All language subtitles for Vamperifica.2012.

CAMPBELL (VOICEOVER):
Throughout history, my people

have born the mark of demon.

Feared by our mortal prey, we
the hunters became the hunted.

For centuries, we were
doomed to live in disgrace.

Forced by our hunger
to feed on the margins

of human civilization.

Then in one glorious
moment, one vampire

rose up to take
back the night sky

that was so rightfully ours.

His name was Raven.

To avenge a single
vampire's death,

Raven joyfully ripped through
10 humans like cattle.

Singlehandedly, he vanquished
their armored battalions,

cutting their soldiers down
as a scythe does wheat.

Raven's heroism reigned
until he encountered

a powerful priest, who
according to legend

had killed over 200 vampires.

That battle raged on for days.

Raven defeated the priest,
but was gravely wounded.

As he lay bleeding, his
dying words were a prophecy.

His dark soul would return, he
said, reincarnated as a human

in some future generation.

He bid me to find him
and to bring him back.

As word of his death spread,
vampires lost all hope.

They would no longer hunt, nor
feed, nor care about our race.

Now we're nearing the
point of extinction.

For centuries,
I've been in search

for the reincarnation of Raven.

Now, at long last, I found
him, born again as a human.

I'll change him back, restore
our vampire race to glory,

and avenge the
blood of our king.

[music - aqua, "barbie girl"]

TRACY: I'm pretty sure
I just lost my appetite.

CARMEN: Why do you
always get so upset?

I just think a terrible word.

It's gross, it's disgusting,
and it's degrading.

How can it be
gross and disgusting?

It doesn't have a
vowel sound in it.

Hello, the letter U.

OK Tracy, since when do
we say the word "koont."

Last week?

Remember, that asshole
Ally called me a "koont."

It doesn't count.

Why?

Because he was drunk.

Carmen, it definitely counts.

Even though he said "koont,"
what he meant to say--

OK, what are we arguing about?

Oh yeah, the most
horrible word ever said.

This is fucking retarded.

We need a second opinion.

Maria, can you
help us for a second?

Please?

Thanks.

What?

OK, I know this sounds
weird, but what do you

think about the words C-U-N-T.

Fuck you.

God.

Someone had her
period this morning.

At least she isn't
pregnant again.

[laughs]

Let's go.

I'm tired and this food takes
like it came out of my ass.

Let's leave Ms. Sanchez
a little something.

[laughs]

Let's go.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know.

I was thinking about
going to the park.

You?

I have to write
this paper, but.

But you don't feel
like doing it, do you?

Great.

So what we'll do is
we will go the park,

get coffee, and then buy
things we can't afford.

Oh my god, I love
being in financial debt.

Me too.

Oh, wait, actually
before we meet tomorrow,

I have that interview about
that play I was talking about.

Do you think
you'll get the part?

I hope so.

You're really sure that's him?

Of course.

Yeah, well, yeah,
well, it's good, yeah?

Have her come.

OK, well I'm with a student.

All right.

Wow.

Everyone wants to be me.

So Carmen, your audition
went very well yesterday.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It reminded me of my
first audition in Germany.

Brought back memories.

I was young.

It was preschool, but.

- That wasn't my first audition.
- That's right.

I forgot.

I'm so sorry.

You were in those other plays?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, um, you
did not get the part.

Josh, I know it was my
first time singing and stuff,

but I mean, if you
just give me a chance.

Let me tell you a story.

When I first came
here to this school,

I was the awkward, shy guy.

You know?

But then I discovered how
talented I was and still am.

Carmen, I can't have talentless
people coming onto my stage

and performing.

I can't have the
dean seeing my plays

with horrible actors in them.

It will destroy my legacy.

You've seen my
other plays before.

You know I have something.

Yeah, well those
were great comedies.

They weren't comedies.

Exactly.

Carmen, do something else, man.

Be a chef or be a sailor or--

But I really
want to do acting.

Carmen, listen, I'm telling
you this now because I don't

want you to have
to wait until later

to have your dreams crushed.

OK?

I can crush them right now.

It's more humane.

I mean, is there
anything I could

do to prove to be in the show?

Because the dean said
I was very talented.

Well, he lied.

Hey.

Haven't I seen you before?

What?

I've seen you
somewhere before.

Probably one of my shows.

- Romeo and Juliet?
- Nope.

Never done that.
- Hamlet?

This school doesn't
produce Shakespeare.

I'm sure you're great.

Whatever.

I don't have time to
hear your bullshit

right now, so just fuck off.

That dick said I have no talent.

What a cock.

Well, maybe should audition
for something else, you know?

I mean, there's got to be
other plays at the school.

And if not, then you can do
something outside of school.

Fuck school.

No, I just think I might
just focus on my work.

Carmen, you don't work.

Oh yeah.

So I made an appointment with
Michelle Landon about our nails

tomorrow at 2:00 PM.

Wait, we?

Yes.

I didn't ask you to make
an appointment, did I?

Well, it's OK.

Like, I'll pay,
so we can pretend

that it's your birthday.

OK, fine.

So I came home last night
and there was this guy

sitting on my doorstep.

And it was weird,
because I thought

he was one of the people
that lived in the building.

And I started talking to him
and he looked vaguely familiar.

And I was like, oh my
god, I think I know him.

So I was like, oh
hey, guess what?

Like, I really want
to give you a blowjob.

Come upstairs, I'll
give you a blowjob.

Me.

Tracy.

Blowjobs.

Fellatio.
Strangers.

Wait, what?

Why are you not
paying attention to me?

I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry,

but those two people
look really familiar.

I mean, don't they
seem familiar to you?

Familiar?

I mean, odd.

Odd.

Well yeah, all
goth kids are odd.

I guess.

[screaming]

What the fuck, Peter?

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just finished my exams.

I just got home this morning.

You're a jackass.

You couldn't call
like a normal person?

No, I can't.

Why would I do that?

This was great.

Jerk.

So after classes,
we would go to the pub

and get a couple drinks and
then we'd go back to my place

and get a couple drinks
and then one thing would

kind of lead another and well.

That's so sweet.

Sweet?

I don't call a post-bar,
pre-bed fuck sweet.

Ow.

I'm just saying
I think it's really

sweet that you found someone.

That's cool.
- Yeah.

It was a nice fling.

Fling?

Yeah, what are you gonna
take her to the sock hop now?

Ooh, how about a drive.

And then maybe she
can give you a handjob

in the front seat of your car.

You guys are so
hilarious, oh my god.

I remember why I left now.

CARMEN: Go back to your college.

[laughs]

It's great you're back.

I thought you were going to
stay there a little longer.

Yeah, I wanted to, but I got
kind of homesick, so, I just.

Aw.

Do you want to come
with Carmen and me?

We're going to get
a manicure tomorrow.

That's actually the reason
I came home was to come get

a manicure with you and Carmen.

But thank you for the invite.

I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Well, this is my stop.

OK.

But call me tomorrow if you
finish up with your manicure

and you want to hang
out or something.

I will.

OK.

All right, well say hello
to your brother for me.

That's creepy.

He's 13.

He's way too young for you.

OK.

[laughter]

All right, I'll
call you tomorrow when

you're done with your thing.

- OK.
- Have a good night.

You too.

Bye.

I asked her out
but she said no.

Well, she's a bitch.

You deserve better, Peter.

Yeah.

She's a mooch off the old cunt.

Carmen.

[inaudible]

Come on, guys, we're
going to be late.

We decided to take a late
lunch and hide in the library.

Want to come?

You guys are going
to get in trouble.

Oh look.

It's Carmy.

Yeah, you have a sissy name.

Go fuck yourself.

[yelling]

Pussy.

[screaming]

Get away from my friend!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks for helping me.

Bitch, please.

Anyway, don't worry, Carmen.

I'll always protect you.

Thanks.

Till the end of time.

[music playing]

[gasps]

[door slams]

[gasps]

There.

Done.

That's it?

I'm sorry, that's
the best I can do.

You're going to have to wait a
month and let them grow back.

They won't grow back.

I bite.

What, do you want me
to feel sorry for you?

I'm a beautician,
not a therapist.

I don't work miracles.

You know, I want
my money back.

Absolutely not.

You're a whore.

[laughs]

What are you laughing
at, you little twit?

Excuse you?

Don't call her that.

What are you, retarded?

Have a good afternoon.

Give me my money back, bitch.

You two need to leave
or I'll call the cops.

Do it.

Yeah.

Do it, I dare you.
Yeah, right there.

911.

OK, come on, Carmen.

We need to go now.

Get out.

You're a thief.

I'm calling the cops.

You're a thief.

Thief!
Thief!

What is wrong with you?

That slut stole our money.

I was paying anyway.

God, you went
totally PMS on her.

You have been on
edge all day long.

I didn't get any
sleep last night.

Why?

Because I kept dreaming
about dirty whores.

I'm hungry.

I want lots and
lots of cheese.

You get the crackers.

CAMPBELL: So you really
want to be an actor?

I'm sorry?

You.

You're the guy
in all those plays.

Yeah, the wrong plays.

What do you want?

Just trying to say hi.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I don't
talk to people I don't know.

I'm not a fucking loser.

So go away.

What way?

You know, you have some nerve.

I am tired and upset and
you're, like, pissing me off.

And you probably have no
idea who you're talking to

or what you're talking about.

Yes, I have done some
plays, but you probably

haven't even seen any of them.

And you know what?

You're creepy.

Yeah, you're creepy
and you look like you

haven't gotten a tan like ever.

And last, but not least,
you are annoying, so

leave me the fuck alone.

You're supposed
to be a vampire.

A what?

Vampire.

Yeah.

Now you're crazy.

Really?

Are you serious?

What is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, am
I disturbing you?

Am I taking a shit
on your perfect day?

Because right now
my day is shit.

And-- what the fuck?

Why are you yelling
at the old lady?

Some guy is stalking me.

Finally.

Thank god.

No, stalker equals bad.

Carmen, who's stalking you?

I don't know.

He's pale, dark
hair, kind of tall,

and he said I was a vampire.

And he's like totally nuts.

Where'd he go?

I turned around
and he was gone.

What a creep show.

And last night there was two
people standing in my room.

And when I turned on the
light, they were gone.

I mean, what the
fuck is going on?

Nothing.

And nothing is going
to happen to you.

Or at least if it does,
I'll be right next to you.

Thanks.

You told him he was a vampire.

I thought it would work.

You looked completely insane.

He won't remember his past life.

No human can.

He will only remember
once we turn him.

What else could I do?

I'll do it.

Really?

What are you going
to do, sit down

and have a tea party with him?

Tell him about the massive
battle with Father Luke?

Talk to him about our
virtual extinction?

Shut up.

Or maybe just jump
right into his bed.

Now that you mention it.

I don't think you're
exactly his type anymore.

I'm everybody's type, baby.

Don't call me baby.

Baby.

- I said don't call me baby.
- Baby.

I'm not a baby.

- Baby, baby, baby.
- I'm not a baby.

Baby.

CARMEN: Do you know
anything about vampires?

A little.

Why?

I've just been
having weird dreams.

You're having weird dreams?

I took a nap before I got
here and I had a nightmare.

I know about the school play.

So?

So.

Maybe that's why you're
a little stressed out.

I'm not stressed.

I am fine.

You've been snapping at
everyone left and right, dude.

I mean, why don't you
just go to talk to Josh

and see if he'll give you,
like, a tiny little part

or something?

Just go talk to Josh.

I'll go talk to him tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll get something.

Will I?

No one's giving me
anything my whole life.

I've always had to work for it.

And even then I never
got what I wanted.

OK, so what do you want?

Well, I want to be a star.

I just want a life
that's better than this.

I don't want to be
a fuck up anymore.

- Dude, you're not a fuck up.
- No, I am.

I mean, I can't get along
with anyone except for you

and Tracy, and I can't even
hold a job more than a week

and I'm going broke.

You know, I used to blame
my mother for leaving me,

but she knew when
to cut her losses.

She knew the day I was
born, I would be a loser.

Maybe that's why
she left me this.

For luck.

Dude, don't say that.

You don't know why she left you.

She could have been really
young or on drugs or something.

She didn't even
put a picture in it.

Even I had to do that.

- What'd you put in there?
- Nothing.

It's embarrassing.

OK.

Well now you have to tell me.

If

It's, um, it's us.

It's you, me, and Tracy.

God, why did I stop
taking my Prozac?

[laughs]

Hey, Carmen.

You're going to be fine.

You sure do like them books.

Al, what do you want?

Where's your butt buddy?

Buzz off.

You want to play?

Are you, like, drunk?

A little.

Go away.

Don't you have your little
whore Maria to play with?

You know you want me.

You've been making
fun of me and my friends

since the third grade.

[laughs]

I'd rather fuck a sheep.

Baa fucking baa then.

You'll like it.

I'm going to call the cops.

[laughs]

Whatever, bitch.

[laughs]

Hilarious.

[knocking]

Oh, that's so good, yeah.

Little bit slower.

Little slower.

Oh, it's great.

[inaudible]

Wow.

Here, sweetheart.

Take that.

What a suck up.

Yeah, yeah, she's
quite good, actually.

I'm working on her technique,
but she's talented.

Yeah.

Why didn't you knock?

Did you think of knocking?

I did.

I knocked.

What do you want?

Josh, if there's
anything I could do,

anything for a
course or an extra--

Sing.

What?

- Sing.
- In here?

Yeah, sing.

OK.

(SINGING) It's a grand old
flag, it's a high flying flag,

and forever she may wave.

She reminds me the one,
of the one I love and--

Stop.

I'm sorry, you are
so not talented.

Excuse me?

It's horrible.

It's absolutely horrible.

You're named after an
opera star, Carmen,

and you can't sing.

I don't understand how
you were previously cast.

Seriously.

Your voice is annoying.

You're not convincing leading
man, or frankly, any man.

Regurgitating lines
is not acting.

Hold on.

You have no right to
talk to me like that.

And I can't stand you.

I actually literally
can't stand you.

You repel me.

OK?

I'm amazed that you
have any friends at all.

God bless them.

[phone ringing]

Hold on.

Hold on one second, please.

Why don't you try something
a little less challenging?

I mean, I can imagine most
things are challenging for you,

but you could try.

You know, you can
go fuck yourself.

You'll never get ahead here.

Yeah, go back to Nazi
Germany where you belong.

Wow.
I will see you in Auschwitz.

CARMEN: Fuck you.
- Yeah.

You and me.
- Cunt.

JOSH: See you later, cutey.

- Asshole.
- [inaudible].

CARMEN: You're a dick.

JOSH: Oh, hello mother.

Carmen.

I can't believe he
spoke to me like that.

You know, this was
all Peter's idea.

I didn't want to go
down there and beg.

You need to take
a breather, OK?

Just relax.

No, I'd rather be
stressed right now

than take a fucking breather.

He's eating away at our souls.

Eating away at the pall.

Evil is all around
us, even in our minds.

[distant screaming]

[gasps]

Don't be afraid.

Who the hell are you?

Emily.

I'm an old friend of yours.

I don't know anybody
by the name of Emily.

Yes you do.

You just don't remember.

Why is that?

Because it was your past life.

You need to get
out of my house.

I have a bat.

The man you met yesterday
at the market, his name

is Campbell.

So?

We are vampires.

Oh my god.

I know it sounds
crazy, but you

were one too in your past life.

You told us to change you
back when you were born again.

I don't believe you.

Wait.

Before you turn on
that light, there's

something you need to know.

What?

I have strange eyes.

Don't scream when you see them.

What happened?

A priest tied me to a
chair, bleached my eyes.

It was a long time ago.

You used to like them.

Can you see?

Yes.

They healed.

Vampires feel pain, but
we are not easily damaged.

You go out in public
looking like that?

No.

I only show my true
self to people I adore.

Why am I even
still talking to you?

Because it is
your soul talking.

Once upon a time, you
took comfort in me.

You might want to feel
that comfort again.

What do you want?

To change you back.

You're nuts.

No offense.

I can prove it to you.

OK, then prove it.

Yeah, those can be implants.

I walked into your home
even though it was locked.

The back window
was open for air.

Come with me and
I'll show you proof.

I don't know about this.

You can handle it.

Did you have a
nightmare tonight?

How did you know that?

You're really deep
in your human husk.

Huh?

When a human is sleeping
and we are close by,

they sometimes get a signal
inside them to awaken.

Human instinct.

Oh.

Wait a second, weren't you guys
walking around during the day?

Isn't that against
the law or something?

Law?

No really, how do you
guys walk in the day?

Ever heard of sunblock?

Oh.

You're taking me
to a strip joint?

No.

We're going to feed.

You need to know that
this person won't be hurt.

They can hardly feel it.

Goodnight.

See you tomorrow.

Got a cigarette?

$2.

I don't have any cash.

Nothing's free.

[screaming]

Are you people crazy?

What are you?

You said she wouldn't get hurt.

Well, maybe teensy weensy.

Some people eat chickens,
others eat cows, we eat humans.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Do we chase him?

No.

He'll run straight home
and lock the doors.

He's going to lock the
window that he left open.

Then he'll go into the kitchen
and lock the back door.

He'll try to calm down.

There'll be a glass of water
waiting for him on the counter.

He'll drink the entire
glass, every last drop,

and fall into a deep sleep
just as he puts the glass down.

[music playing]

[growls]

[slurping]

Night night.

[choking]

Please.

We need you.

Find my soul
and bring me back.

What?

After I die, find me.

Bring me back.

[sputtering]

I promise.

We both promise.

[bird cawing]

[music playing]

[screaming]

CAMPBELL: Restore our
vampire race to glory

[phone ringing]

CARMEN: Um, beep.

[laughs]

Hello, Carmen.
It's me.

Hey.

I haven't heard from you in,
like, a day or something.

I'm getting really worried.

If you get this in time, meet
me at Materials at 7:00, OK?

And if I don't hear
from you, I am,

I'm going to send
out a search party.

OK, bye.

You can't see her or that boy.

CARMEN: But they'll be worried.

You can't tell them
what happened to you.

I understand that, jackass.

If you have to call her,
you have to break it off.

Tell her you're moving.

Relax.

You guys act like I
was born yesterday.

You kind of were.

OK, shut up.

I was reborn yesterday.

That doesn't mean I'm a child.

I'll figure out what to say.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

- Greetings.
- Greetings.

I'm Brother Jones.

I'm and I'm Sister Jones.

We are from the
Church of Love.

Church of Love.

Do you love your life?

Do you want to live forever?

Forever.

I'm already covered, thanks.

Oh, thank Jehovah.

We are saved and living
in a loving kindness.

And going to heaven.

And now we have met
a transcendent spirit.

A transcendent spirit.

You know, there are
two people inside that

would love to learn about the
penetrating hands of Christ.

You should go talk to them.

Oh, can we?

We'd love to.

Come right in.

Lead the way, oh spirit.

Oh, motherfucker.

If he's not here
in five minutes,

I am sending out a
fucking search party.

Well, Well, well.

Isn't this my lucky day?

What do you want?

Nothing from you.

Where is your friend?

He's meeting me here
in a couple minutes.

Poor thing.

You say that with such doubt.

Don't you have a
corner or something

that you need to be on?

I mean, it's a recession.

Doesn't everybody want
a cheap whore to fuck?

[laughs]

Wow.

Did I hit a nerve?

Hm?

No.

You smell and it's
making me sick.

Nice comeback.

She's right.

You smell like ass.

Ass.

I know you're poor,
but the sun is free.

Take a walk.

You look pasty.

I slept all day yesterday.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

I thought those
people kidnapped

you, those total weirdos.

What happened?

I'm fine.

By the way, I don't find it
appropriate to leave fuck you

as a tip.

That was four days ago.

Get over it.

Why don't you go back to
that loser Al you're fucking?

And this coming from the
biggest loser of all time.

You will never
amount to anything.

Your acting is so bad
you can't even get a part

in a community college show.

And your mother was a skanky ho.

Guess you finally realized
she never loved you, since you

finally took off that necklace.

Cat got your tongue?

Never been loved?

That's something we have
in common, isn't it?

Your grandmother.

Every time it was your
birthday, she seemed to forget.

But for everyone
else's, she remembered.

Right up until her death.

Now, what was that all about?

How did-- how did you know?

What is the matter with you?

Did you not hear what she
just said about my mother?

Yes, but I know she isn't
exactly a Harvard graduate.

What was that?

What do you mean?

You're acting funny.

And you're acting like it's a
game or something, like you're

playing cat and mouse.

[buzzing]

Peter's calling me.

I have to go.

Are you OK?

Just peachy.

All right.

I'll see you later.

Stop being a weirdo.

Something wrong?

What happened to that
necklace I was wearing?

Why would you want that?

Because my mother
gave it to me

before she put me
in the orphanage.

So?

So it means something to me.

I've had it my whole life.

This is your new life now.

You don't need that anymore.

I know what I need.

He has too much human emotion.

You are too impatient.

Give him a couple of weeks.

CAMPBELL: We've been waiting
200 years for a plan.

I'm hungry.

I think I'm going to go
find something to eat.

May I come with you?

No.

I think I'm going to find
a certain cattle alone.

[music playing]

[growls]

[thundering]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hey Maria.

Oh.

It's you.

What are you doing?

Have sex with another skanky ho?

Something like that.

Say hello, skanky ho.

Hello, skanky ho.

Wow.

What a way to spend
your last moments.

Even with her last
dying breath, she still

admits that you're a whore.

Now, doesn't that
tell you something?

[laughs]

[thundering]

[panting]

Boo, bitch.

Get away.

[laughs]

[music playing]

Well hello, Dirty Sanchez.

[screams]

[music playing]

I need you to talk to Carmen.

He's changed.

She's gotten pale.

And we bumped into Maria
today and he acted like--

he acted like he was
going to kill her.

Well, I mean, let's be
honest, nobody likes Maria.

But you know, Carmen can be a
little over-dramatic sometimes.

I know.

You really care
about him, don't you?

He's my best friend.

I see.

I mean, I care
about both of you.

Really?

You care about me?

Well, yeah, of course.

I mean, I know you.

Yeah.

I know you too.

LIBRARIAN: The library will
be closing in five minutes.

- We should.
- Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

if it makes you feel any better,
I'm going to talk to Carmen.

Oh, thanks.

That's good.

Yeah.

Well, this is my stop.

[laughs]

God.

That was-- that was weird.

Yeah.
I know.

I know.

It was so weird.

I'll, um.

I gotta go home.

I'm fine.

[sighs]

God damn it.

Oh, it's you.

- Who'd you think it was?
- None of your business.

I don't see Peter and
Carmen with you anymore.

Well, you're not
very observant then,

because I just left Peter.

And Carmen?

He's busy.

More important
things than you?

Al, I don't know why
the fuck you follow me,

because I don't like you, OK?

So get the fuck away.

You've always been
a fucking bitch.

What are you doing?

Get the fuck off of me.

Something I should
have did a long time ago.

[screaming]

No, stop!

No!

[screaming]

No, stop, get off of me!

No!

[screaming]

Maybe I'll come
by your place later.

We'll have a nice,
romantic dinner.

[thundering]

[screams]

Jesus, what the fuck
are you doing here?

Jesus doesn't
live here anymore.

What do you want?

You touched her.

You hurt her.

I didn't touch anyone.

Thou shall not lie.

Get out.

Stop.
Stop.

Did you like it when she
screamed for you to stop?

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

CARMEN: Sorry?

Sorry isn't good
enough, now is it?

Now, what am I
going to with you?

Think.

Think, think, think.

Eat you?

Eat me?

I don't think so.

Your blood would probably
taste like shit anyway.

Eat me?

Yeah, eat you.

You know, blah, I'm
going to suck your blood.

Not like, eat your twat or
toss your salad, because that'd

be just plain silly.

Fuck you.

Haven't you done
enough fucking tonight?

Where's that weapon
you used on here?

What weapon?

Oh, you know, that weapon.

Now, where is it?

Where is that silly
little weapon?

[screams]

There it is.

You don't like what you see?

Well, look away then.

[knocking]

Uh, hi.

Is Carmen home?

Carmen doesn't
live here anymore.

Excuse me?

Who the hell are you?

[growls]

Wait, those aren't--
those aren't real, right?

CARMEN: He raped her.

EMILY: So you killed him?

CARMEN: Of course.

EMILY: You didn't drink him?

CARMEN: I don't
drink pig's blood.

EMILY: Perfectly good
meal goes to waste.

You don't understand.

He raped Tracy.

He raped Tracy.

I don't eat what
hurts my best friends.

She's a human.

We can change her.

We'll talk about this later.

Whatever.

Wait.

What?

Bitch alert.

Oh, great.

If it isn't my
favorite customer.

You know I always was.

What do you want?

To say hello.

Well, goodbye.

Is there a problem?

Who the fuck are you?

She's so sweet.

And I missed my meal tonight.

Looks like you're
the main course.

You people are fucking freaks.

[laughter]

Great.

Running.

It's great exercise.

But my feet hurt.

You can't run.

I know this is all frightening,
but it only lasts a minute.

You'll go numb and then
everything will go black.

[screams]

What are you?

Take a wild guess.

Her blood tastes like
nail polish remover.

Carmen, don't you know there
are vampires in Africa who

don't have any blood to drink?

And?

I don't know what happened.

It's like everything
went out of whack.

But Carmen, you should have
seen the look on his face.

It was like-- it was
like he had no soul.

It was deadly.

CARMEN: I know.

You know about Al?

Don't you have anything to say?

The situation
has been handled.

Handled?

What are you talking about?

What's the matter with you?

Hello?

I'm fine.

That's what you keep saying.

You keep saying that you're
fine, but you're not fine,

are you?

You didn't even call
me back last night.

I called you.

Where have you been?

I've been busy.

I have a life.

You have a life?

Excuse me, doing what?

Excuse me, Tracy,
but some people

have personal lives they
wish not to talk about.

Some people?

We tell each other everything.

What is this?

Is it your new buddies?

What?

You're jealous, Tracy?

Are we back in high school now?

As I recall, you're the
one who had trouble making

friends in high school, Carmen.

Not me.

I'm sorry, Tracy,
for venturing

out by myself and moving
on from this life,

even though you can't.

To tell you the truth, I'm--

I have better things to do.

You could at least do
me the favor of listening

after what I've been through.

I already did.

Fuck you, Carmen!

How does it feel to be dead?

Ha ha.

Funny.

Does cleaning make
somebody a little bit grumpy?

How irresponsible can he be?

I don't think we should
have brought him back.

He is still learning.

Learning?

Look at this mess.

He didn't feed or anything.

Our race could be
discovered and destroyed,

and of course, I'm the
one cleaning it up.

And that boy came
by looking for him.

Lucky I didn't kill him.

It's that girl.

We have to do
something about her.

Oh?

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

I am not jealous of
a silly little human.

Oh really?

What about Zelda?

Zelda?

When he was first
a vampire, he was

involved with that girl Zelda.

He was very close with her and
insisted we change her for him.

Almost got us killed
before she was staked.

Tell me you don't remember.

Tell me.

I have no idea who
you are talking about.

Zelda.

You know, the large
breasted woman.

They weren't that large.

Melons.

TRACY (ON PHONE):
Hi, it's Tracy.

Leave a message or get lost.

Hey Tracy, it's Peter.

Listen, something really
weird is going on.

I went over to
Carmen's last night

and some guy answered the door
that I'd never seen before.

And OK, I know this
sounds really weird, but--

Tell me about it.

Holy shit.

Wait, how did you get in here?

What?

Do I have to show you my fangs?

Wait, are you?

Are you?

Yeah.

I mean, it's so cool.

I mean, I couldn't
believe it either.

And they told me I'm like
this big king and it's just--

Are you going to kill me?

What?

Where would you get that idea?

From that asshole
that answered your door.

Oh please, Campbell?

His bark is worse than his bite.

Bite.

That's kind of funny.

No, that's not funny.

I'm sorry, Peter.

That was in poor taste.

[laughs]

Sorry.

Hold on.

Hold on for just a second.

Enough, Carmen.
Stop.

OK.

Peter.

Hello.

I would never hurt any of you.

God, they have no power in
that department, trust me.

You're kidding, right?

What are you doing?

What have you done?

Well, I killed Al.

I mean, he almost
gave me a back sprain.

Such a fat ass.

What?

Why?

I have my reasons.

OK.

What about Maria?

I haven't seen Maria in a while.

Oh, consider that a blessing.

Whoa, dude.

What about Josh?

Did you just go kill him too?

Oh dear, I almost
forgot about him.

I mean, with all this crazy
vampy stuff happening,

I just haven't
had time to think.

So what, you're just killing
whoever pisses you off?

I'm just having a little fun.

Fun?

What happens when
Tracy pisses you off?

What happens when
I piss you off?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

I mean, Tracy already pissed
me off and she's fine.

I can't trust you, Carmen.

Oh.

Well, I mean, it's going to
take some time, that's all.

Here.

Call Tracy.

She needs you.

MAN (ON TV): A couple of beers.

He seems nice.

Between you and me,
I'll have her clothes

off by the end of lunch.

And having a date would--

Leave my friends alone.

Humans are not your friends.

Did you or did you not
hear what I just said?

We heard, your majesty.

I can't even watch TV anymore.

I know.

Now, the '50s, that was
the true golden age.

Whatever happened
to Jackie Gleason,

Art Carney, Sid Caesar.

Imogene Coca.

- She was all right.
- She was brilliant.

I never found her that funny.

You're an idiot.

Don't look at me.

I don't know any
of these people.

I love Sarah Michelle
Gellar though.

What?

That's offensive.

Don't you dare say anything
about my little Sar Sar.

Besides, watching television
just reminds me of how

much I want to be a performer.

What stopped you?

Not what.

Who.

Who?

Would you help me?

Always.

I'm coming mean for you, Josh.

Hey Carmen, it's me.

I just wanted to say
that I'm really, really

sorry about our fight and Peter
and I are going to the play

tonight.
You should meet us there.

Let's just, we'll forget
about what happened

and we can make fun
of people in the show.

OK, I'll talk to you later.

All right, bye.

VOICEMAIL: Message erased.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

So we're going
to kill him, right?

For the last time, yes.

But no wasting food this time.

God.

Don't have such a
[inaudible] attack.

I guess he's not coming.

I'm sure he's fine.

He's just going through some
stuff right now or something.

Let's just leave him alone.

Remember, we're here
to feed, not just kill.

You guys can feed.

I want his head.

You need to stop doing this.

Doing what?

Doing what?

Killing people for fun.

It's nonsense.

It's a waste of time and energy.

We need to stop wasting food.

I don't eat what I hate.

Repeat the plan.

Please.

That's better.

Emily and I will look backstage.

You, you can go
check his office.

If he's not there,
check the seating areas.

The seating areas?

Yeah, the theater where the
people sit and watch the show.

You mean the house.

God, you call yourself an actor.

Oh, fuck you.

Anyway, if you find him
first, send him to me.

[background chatter]

He is the holiest of holies.

Work it, Mary.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me.

You don't belong here.

Get out or I'll call security.

Yeah, great, that was
the lead and now everyone's

going to be looking Josh.

[belches]

Just go.

Excuse me, may I help you?

The question is,
who's going to help you?

That's very funny.

You're making a joke.

Who are you?

Critic.

You're a critic?

Are you a student?

I don't recognize you.

Excuse me?

Oh, schizer.

Are you Jessica's boyfriend?

Listen, I'm sorry, OK?

She came.

We were working on Heinrich
Mueller play, all right?

I was helping her.

Things happen.

Somebody wants to drink you.

Somebody wants to drink me?

OK, listen, I have a
play in about 35 seconds.

[growls]

Boo.

Do you know where Josh is?

I don't know,
but I don't think

you're supposed to be here.

[laughter]

[music playing]

(SINGING) (SINGING)
When you shine

your light on me,
right on me, I want you

to shine it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a boy who used
to dread his fate.

But now I know I'm
something great.

And you thought I
was second rate.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a dime a dozen wannabe.

But now I'm strong as I can be.

So to those who once gave
up on me, ha bloody ha.

I lived in fear
but now I'm here.

Ha bloody ha.

Now I got class and I kick ass.

Ha bloody ha.

I've come to grips.

Read my lips.

Ha bloody ha.

This is the one life
that you've got.

Better shit or get off the
pot. 'Cause you'll be too old.

And your blood,
it will turn cold.

And it won't flow
down to your twat.

I was a virtual non entity.

Distant, poor obscurity.

And now I live for eternity.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a kid who couldn't go far.

But take a look
at how things are.

If you don't think that
I'm a star, ha bloody ha.

I've got pride from deep inside.

Ha bloody ha.

There's no doubt I'm coming out.

Bloody ha.

I've found my way.

That's what I say.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Bite me.

[cheering]

Campbell's got him.

But everyone loves me.

[cheering]

There you are.

We've been looking
everywhere for you.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

And you said I'll
never get ahead.

What?

Look, you can wear it
as a hat or something.

See?

We have to get out of here.

I'm calling Carmen.

No, just don't worry about it.
Let's just go.

I'm calling him.

Just give me your phone.

Yeah.

Hey.

I don't know what I just saw
in there or what's going on,

but we need to talk.

Why are you and Peter
keeping secrets from me?

This is childish.

Give me a call.

We need to talk.

Why are you and Peter
keeping secrets from me?

This is childish.

Give me a call.

If humans keep finding out
about our existence because

of your poor judgment,
we will be wiped

off the face of the planet.

Do you understand?

Listen, bitch, I'm your
so-called king, right?

The ruler of all vampires,
your so-called savior?

Right?
- Yes.

Good.

So I'm going to tell her anyway.

What I say goes.

Your majesty, it has
been a long day for you.

What is best, I think, is for
you to sit quietly and come

to a rational decision.

We'll briefly leave you alone.

He's not a king.

Why won't you tell me?

Because you're going
to think that I'm crazy.

God damn it, Peter, just tell
me what the fuck is going on.

Carmen is a fucking vampire.

What?

Look, I know--

I know you're going to think
that this sounds stupid,

but I mean, come on.

Haven't you noticed
how pale he looks

and the way he's acting
around people like Maria?

And what about his
two new friends

that were stalking him before?

I don't understand.

Why?

How?

Where is Al, Tracy?

And where is Maria?

And where is Michelle Landon?

Didn't he have a
problem with her?

Because I saw her on
the news this morning.

They just found her dead.

Please.

Carmen killed
those people, Tracy.

I know that he did.

Everyone that he had
a little problem with

is ending up fucking dead.

I don't--

I don't-- I don't
believe this, OK?

This is fucking retarded.

He's gone too far.

Campbell, calm down.

We will figure something out.

Oh, I've figured
something out all right.

He wants to fool around
and do whatever he wants?

I'll do exactly what he does.

Campbell.

No.

We'll kill those two.

We'll kill everybody.

Campbell.

[distant screaming]

What the hell is going on?

[screaming]

We're gonna die.

We're all gonna die!

Come on, we gotta
get out of here.

Come on, come on.

[screaming]

Campbell.

Tracy.

Help me.

Please.

Help me.

I can't.

[coughing]

Peter.

Peter, what happened?

Why did you do this to us?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

I didn't know this would happen.

I could save you.

Don't.

I don't want to be like you.

Go.

Go to Tracy.

You can still get to her.

Get help.

Just let me go in peace.

Peter, I'm sorry.

[coughing]

Just go.

Go.

I knew it would
come down to this.

I don't want to fight you.

Oh, Emily.

Poor, sweet Emily.

That priest should have
killed you a long time ago.

[grunting]

Where is she?

Please, Carmen, this
is not going to end well.

[grunting]

Fine.

I'll find her myself.

It's taken me 200
years to find you.

[grunting]

Don't make me do this.

[grunting]

If I can't have you, no one can.

It was a long time ago, Emily.

My soul has changed.

I am Carmen now.

To me you'll always be Raven.

I should have died
with you back then.

[gasps]

You're too late.

She's dead.

[moaning]

Not yet she isn't.

[grunting]

You fool.

You think you have power?

You have nothing.

You betrayed me.

You took my friends from me.

I'm supposed to be your king.

Just a king in training.

And you get an F.
Pathetic piece of shit.

You're a waste of time.

That's why your mother
abandoned you in this life.

I should never have
brought you back.

[yelling]

You were a king once.

A great leader.

But now you're just broken.

Oh look.

The sleeping bitch awakes.

Go back to sleep,
sweet little lamb.

Where did you go?

Right behind you, dip-shit.

[yelling]

God damn little brat.

You're a failure.

Like Emily?

She's dead.

[screams]

Nobody hurts my friends
and gets away with it,

you son of a cunt!

[grunting]

Aren't you dead yet?

Why won't you just die?

Because I owe
it to my friends.

By the way, I am not broken.

Tracy.

Tracy.

Vampire.

Please forgive me.

Please.

I'll always forgive you.

Please don't leave me.

You're my only friend.

I'll always
protect you, Carmen.

Till the end of time.

[crying]

TRACY (VOICEOVER):
Till the end of time.

TRACY: What are
you thinking about?

I really want to
cut that bitch's face.

Some other time.

But you got to kill
your old English teacher.

Wasn't that funny?

[laughter]

He was like, he was like,
please don't hurt me, please.

He was a total fuck-wad.

He was like a total C.

Oh, you didn't say the C word.

That's very sweet.

Well, I've changed.

Me too.

[laughs]

Wait a minute.

You just hacked up a man and
that word still bothers you?

I still have morals.

OK, like, you're delusional.

[laughter]

Remember when we
used to eat these?

Yeah.

People are so much better.

Cut it out.

This is a classy joint.

Silly bitch.

PETER (VOICEOVER):
I never thought

we would end up like this.

I always thought that I
would get married and have

kids, maybe even with Tracy.

And Carmen would either
be incredibly famous

or go to jail for
something stupid.

But becoming a vampire
with a destiny?

I never saw that coming.

After Carmen left
me in the hallway,

his mom came and changed me.

She's ashamed that she abandoned
him after she became a vampire,

even though she hoped
that by leaving,

he could lead a normal life.

She's not going to appear
again until her guilt can pass.

She told me that I
must protect them,

and that Carmen and Tracy need
to survive to lead a race back

from near extinction.

Many battles will be fought
and a long road lies ahead.

So now I guess it's up to
me to guide and protect

them without them
knowing, like a guardian

angel or a babysitter.

Well, one thing's for sure.

They sure are a
couple of crazy kids.

Bitch, please, I will cut you.

You look like a
dirty whore on crack.

[laughter]

[music playing]

CARMEN: (SINGING) When you shine
your light on me, right on me,

I want you to shine
it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha ha ha.

This is the one
life that you got.

Better shit or get off the pot.

'Cause soon you'll be
too old and your blood it

will turn cold.

When you shine your
light on me, right on me,

I want you to shine
it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

'Cause soon you'll be
too old and your blood it

will turn cold.

Ha bloody ha.

[music playing]