Original subtitles

CAMPBELL (VOICEOVER): Throughout history, my people

have born the mark of demon.

Feared by our mortal prey, we the hunters became the hunted.

For centuries, we were doomed to live in disgrace.

Forced by our hunger to feed on the margins

of human civilization.

Then in one glorious moment, one vampire

rose up to take back the night sky

that was so rightfully ours.

His name was Raven.

To avenge a single vampire's death,

Raven joyfully ripped through 10 humans like cattle.

Singlehandedly, he vanquished their armored battalions,

cutting their soldiers down as a scythe does wheat.

Raven's heroism reigned until he encountered

a powerful priest, who according to legend

had killed over 200 vampires.

That battle raged on for days.

Raven defeated the priest, but was gravely wounded.

As he lay bleeding, his dying words were a prophecy.

His dark soul would return, he said, reincarnated as a human

in some future generation.

He bid me to find him and to bring him back.

As word of his death spread, vampires lost all hope.

They would no longer hunt, nor feed, nor care about our race.

Now we're nearing the point of extinction.

For centuries, I've been in search

for the reincarnation of Raven.

Now, at long last, I found him, born again as a human.

I'll change him back, restore our vampire race to glory,

and avenge the blood of our king.

[music - aqua, "barbie girl"]

TRACY: I'm pretty sure I just lost my appetite.

CARMEN: Why do you always get so upset?

I just think a terrible word.

It's gross, it's disgusting, and it's degrading.

How can it be gross and disgusting?

It doesn't have a vowel sound in it.

Hello, the letter U.

OK Tracy, since when do we say the word "koont."

Last week?

Remember, that asshole Ally called me a "koont."

It doesn't count.

Why?

Because he was drunk.

Carmen, it definitely counts.

Even though he said "koont," what he meant to say--

OK, what are we arguing about?

Oh yeah, the most horrible word ever said.

This is fucking retarded.

We need a second opinion.

Maria, can you help us for a second?

Please?

Thanks.

What?

OK, I know this sounds weird, but what do you

think about the words C-U-N-T.

Fuck you.

God.

Someone had her period this morning.

At least she isn't pregnant again.

[laughs]

Let's go.

I'm tired and this food takes like it came out of my ass.

Let's leave Ms. Sanchez a little something.

[laughs]

Let's go.

What are you doing tomorrow?

I don't know.

I was thinking about going to the park.

You?

I have to write this paper, but.

But you don't feel like doing it, do you?

Great.

So what we'll do is we will go the park,

get coffee, and then buy things we can't afford.

Oh my god, I love being in financial debt.

Me too.

Oh, wait, actually before we meet tomorrow,

I have that interview about that play I was talking about.

Do you think you'll get the part?

I hope so.

You're really sure that's him?

Of course.

Yeah, well, yeah, well, it's good, yeah?

Have her come.

OK, well I'm with a student.

All right.

Wow.

Everyone wants to be me.

So Carmen, your audition went very well yesterday.

- Really? - Yeah.

It reminded me of my first audition in Germany.

Brought back memories.

I was young.

It was preschool, but.

- That wasn't my first audition. - That's right.

I forgot.

I'm so sorry.

You were in those other plays?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, um, you did not get the part.

Josh, I know it was my first time singing and stuff,

but I mean, if you just give me a chance.

Let me tell you a story.

When I first came here to this school,

I was the awkward, shy guy.

You know?

But then I discovered how talented I was and still am.

Carmen, I can't have talentless people coming onto my stage

and performing.

I can't have the dean seeing my plays

with horrible actors in them.

It will destroy my legacy.

You've seen my other plays before.

You know I have something.

Yeah, well those were great comedies.

They weren't comedies.

Exactly.

Carmen, do something else, man.

Be a chef or be a sailor or--

But I really want to do acting.

Carmen, listen, I'm telling you this now because I don't

want you to have to wait until later

to have your dreams crushed.

OK?

I can crush them right now.

It's more humane.

I mean, is there anything I could

do to prove to be in the show?

Because the dean said I was very talented.

Well, he lied.

Hey.

Haven't I seen you before?

What?

I've seen you somewhere before.

Probably one of my shows.

- Romeo and Juliet? - Nope.

Never done that. - Hamlet?

This school doesn't produce Shakespeare.

I'm sure you're great.

Whatever.

I don't have time to hear your bullshit

right now, so just fuck off.

That dick said I have no talent.

What a cock.

Well, maybe should audition for something else, you know?

I mean, there's got to be other plays at the school.

And if not, then you can do something outside of school.

Fuck school.

No, I just think I might just focus on my work.

Carmen, you don't work.

Oh yeah.

So I made an appointment with Michelle Landon about our nails

tomorrow at 2:00 PM.

Wait, we?

Yes.

I didn't ask you to make an appointment, did I?

Well, it's OK.

Like, I'll pay, so we can pretend

that it's your birthday.

OK, fine.

So I came home last night and there was this guy

sitting on my doorstep.

And it was weird, because I thought

he was one of the people that lived in the building.

And I started talking to him and he looked vaguely familiar.

And I was like, oh my god, I think I know him.

So I was like, oh hey, guess what?

Like, I really want to give you a blowjob.

Come upstairs, I'll give you a blowjob.

Me.

Tracy.

Blowjobs.

Fellatio. Strangers.

Wait, what?

Why are you not paying attention to me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

but those two people look really familiar.

I mean, don't they seem familiar to you?

Familiar?

I mean, odd.

Odd.

Well yeah, all goth kids are odd.

I guess.

[screaming]

What the fuck, Peter?

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just finished my exams.

I just got home this morning.

You're a jackass.

You couldn't call like a normal person?

No, I can't.

Why would I do that?

This was great.

Jerk.

So after classes, we would go to the pub

and get a couple drinks and then we'd go back to my place

and get a couple drinks and then one thing would

kind of lead another and well.

That's so sweet.

Sweet?

I don't call a post-bar, pre-bed fuck sweet.

Ow.

I'm just saying I think it's really

sweet that you found someone.

That's cool. - Yeah.

It was a nice fling.

Fling?

Yeah, what are you gonna take her to the sock hop now?

Ooh, how about a drive.

And then maybe she can give you a handjob

in the front seat of your car.

You guys are so hilarious, oh my god.

I remember why I left now.

CARMEN: Go back to your college.

[laughs]

It's great you're back.

I thought you were going to stay there a little longer.

Yeah, I wanted to, but I got kind of homesick, so, I just.

Aw.

Do you want to come with Carmen and me?

We're going to get a manicure tomorrow.

That's actually the reason I came home was to come get

a manicure with you and Carmen.

But thank you for the invite.

I appreciate it.

You're welcome.

Well, this is my stop.

OK.

But call me tomorrow if you finish up with your manicure

and you want to hang out or something.

I will.

OK.

All right, well say hello to your brother for me.

That's creepy.

He's 13.

He's way too young for you.

OK.

[laughter]

All right, I'll call you tomorrow when

you're done with your thing.

- OK. - Have a good night.

You too.

Bye.

I asked her out but she said no.

Well, she's a bitch.

You deserve better, Peter.

Yeah.

She's a mooch off the old cunt.

Carmen.

[inaudible]

Come on, guys, we're going to be late.

We decided to take a late lunch and hide in the library.

Want to come?

You guys are going to get in trouble.

Oh look.

It's Carmy.

Yeah, you have a sissy name.

Go fuck yourself.

[yelling]

Pussy.

[screaming]

Get away from my friend!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks for helping me.

Bitch, please.

Anyway, don't worry, Carmen.

I'll always protect you.

Thanks.

Till the end of time.

[music playing]

[gasps]

[door slams]

[gasps]

There.

Done.

That's it?

I'm sorry, that's the best I can do.

You're going to have to wait a month and let them grow back.

They won't grow back.

I bite.

What, do you want me to feel sorry for you?

I'm a beautician, not a therapist.

I don't work miracles.

You know, I want my money back.

Absolutely not.

You're a whore.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at, you little twit?

Excuse you?

Don't call her that.

What are you, retarded?

Have a good afternoon.

Give me my money back, bitch.

You two need to leave or I'll call the cops.

Do it.

Yeah.

Do it, I dare you. Yeah, right there.

911.

OK, come on, Carmen.

We need to go now.

Get out.

You're a thief.

I'm calling the cops.

You're a thief.

Thief! Thief!

What is wrong with you?

That slut stole our money.

I was paying anyway.

God, you went totally PMS on her.

You have been on edge all day long.

I didn't get any sleep last night.

Why?

Because I kept dreaming about dirty whores.

I'm hungry.

I want lots and lots of cheese.

You get the crackers.

CAMPBELL: So you really want to be an actor?

I'm sorry?

You.

You're the guy in all those plays.

Yeah, the wrong plays.

What do you want?

Just trying to say hi.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people I don't know.

I'm not a fucking loser.

So go away.

What way?

You know, you have some nerve.

I am tired and upset and you're, like, pissing me off.

And you probably have no idea who you're talking to

or what you're talking about.

Yes, I have done some plays, but you probably

haven't even seen any of them.

And you know what?

You're creepy.

Yeah, you're creepy and you look like you

haven't gotten a tan like ever.

And last, but not least, you are annoying, so

leave me the fuck alone.

You're supposed to be a vampire.

A what?

Vampire.

Yeah.

Now you're crazy.

Really?

Are you serious?

What is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, am I disturbing you?

Am I taking a shit on your perfect day?

Because right now my day is shit.

And-- what the fuck?

Why are you yelling at the old lady?

Some guy is stalking me.

Finally.

Thank god.

No, stalker equals bad.

Carmen, who's stalking you?

I don't know.

He's pale, dark hair, kind of tall,

and he said I was a vampire.

And he's like totally nuts.

Where'd he go?

I turned around and he was gone.

What a creep show.

And last night there was two people standing in my room.

And when I turned on the light, they were gone.

I mean, what the fuck is going on?

Nothing.

And nothing is going to happen to you.

Or at least if it does, I'll be right next to you.

Thanks.

You told him he was a vampire.

I thought it would work.

You looked completely insane.

He won't remember his past life.

No human can.

He will only remember once we turn him.

What else could I do?

I'll do it.

Really?

What are you going to do, sit down

and have a tea party with him?

Tell him about the massive battle with Father Luke?

Talk to him about our virtual extinction?

Shut up.

Or maybe just jump right into his bed.

Now that you mention it.

I don't think you're exactly his type anymore.

I'm everybody's type, baby.

Don't call me baby.

Baby.

- I said don't call me baby. - Baby.

I'm not a baby.

- Baby, baby, baby. - I'm not a baby.

Baby.

CARMEN: Do you know anything about vampires?

A little.

Why?

I've just been having weird dreams.

You're having weird dreams?

I took a nap before I got here and I had a nightmare.

I know about the school play.

So?

So.

Maybe that's why you're a little stressed out.

I'm not stressed.

I am fine.

You've been snapping at everyone left and right, dude.

I mean, why don't you just go to talk to Josh

and see if he'll give you, like, a tiny little part

or something?

Just go talk to Josh.

I'll go talk to him tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll get something.

Will I?

No one's giving me anything my whole life.

I've always had to work for it.

And even then I never got what I wanted.

OK, so what do you want?

Well, I want to be a star.

I just want a life that's better than this.

I don't want to be a fuck up anymore.

- Dude, you're not a fuck up. - No, I am.

I mean, I can't get along with anyone except for you

and Tracy, and I can't even hold a job more than a week

and I'm going broke.

You know, I used to blame my mother for leaving me,

but she knew when to cut her losses.

She knew the day I was born, I would be a loser.

Maybe that's why she left me this.

For luck.

Dude, don't say that.

You don't know why she left you.

She could have been really young or on drugs or something.

She didn't even put a picture in it.

Even I had to do that.

- What'd you put in there? - Nothing.

It's embarrassing.

OK.

Well now you have to tell me.

If

It's, um, it's us.

It's you, me, and Tracy.

God, why did I stop taking my Prozac?

[laughs]

Hey, Carmen.

You're going to be fine.

You sure do like them books.

Al, what do you want?

Where's your butt buddy?

Buzz off.

You want to play?

Are you, like, drunk?

A little.

Go away.

Don't you have your little whore Maria to play with?

You know you want me.

You've been making fun of me and my friends

since the third grade.

[laughs]

I'd rather fuck a sheep.

Baa fucking baa then.

You'll like it.

I'm going to call the cops.

[laughs]

Whatever, bitch.

[laughs]

Hilarious.

[knocking]

Oh, that's so good, yeah.

Little bit slower.

Little slower.

Oh, it's great.

[inaudible]

Wow.

Here, sweetheart.

Take that.

What a suck up.

Yeah, yeah, she's quite good, actually.

I'm working on her technique, but she's talented.

Yeah.

Why didn't you knock?

Did you think of knocking?

I did.

I knocked.

What do you want?

Josh, if there's anything I could do,

anything for a course or an extra--

Sing.

What?

- Sing. - In here?

Yeah, sing.

OK.

(SINGING) It's a grand old flag, it's a high flying flag,

and forever she may wave.

She reminds me the one, of the one I love and--

Stop.

I'm sorry, you are so not talented.

Excuse me?

It's horrible.

It's absolutely horrible.

You're named after an opera star, Carmen,

and you can't sing.

I don't understand how you were previously cast.

Seriously.

Your voice is annoying.

You're not convincing leading man, or frankly, any man.

Regurgitating lines is not acting.

Hold on.

You have no right to talk to me like that.

And I can't stand you.

I actually literally can't stand you.

You repel me.

OK?

I'm amazed that you have any friends at all.

God bless them.

[phone ringing]

Hold on.

Hold on one second, please.

Why don't you try something a little less challenging?

I mean, I can imagine most things are challenging for you,

but you could try.

You know, you can go fuck yourself.

You'll never get ahead here.

Yeah, go back to Nazi Germany where you belong.

Wow. I will see you in Auschwitz.

CARMEN: Fuck you. - Yeah.

You and me. - Cunt.

JOSH: See you later, cutey.

- Asshole. - [inaudible].

CARMEN: You're a dick.

JOSH: Oh, hello mother.

Carmen.

I can't believe he spoke to me like that.

You know, this was all Peter's idea.

I didn't want to go down there and beg.

You need to take a breather, OK?

Just relax.

No, I'd rather be stressed right now

than take a fucking breather.

He's eating away at our souls.

Eating away at the pall.

Evil is all around us, even in our minds.

[distant screaming]

[gasps]

Don't be afraid.

Who the hell are you?

Emily.

I'm an old friend of yours.

I don't know anybody by the name of Emily.

Yes you do.

You just don't remember.

Why is that?

Because it was your past life.

You need to get out of my house.

I have a bat.

The man you met yesterday at the market, his name

is Campbell.

So?

We are vampires.

Oh my god.

I know it sounds crazy, but you

were one too in your past life.

You told us to change you back when you were born again.

I don't believe you.

Wait.

Before you turn on that light, there's

something you need to know.

What?

I have strange eyes.

Don't scream when you see them.

What happened?

A priest tied me to a chair, bleached my eyes.

It was a long time ago.

You used to like them.

Can you see?

Yes.

They healed.

Vampires feel pain, but we are not easily damaged.

You go out in public looking like that?

No.

I only show my true self to people I adore.

Why am I even still talking to you?

Because it is your soul talking.

Once upon a time, you took comfort in me.

You might want to feel that comfort again.

What do you want?

To change you back.

You're nuts.

No offense.

I can prove it to you.

OK, then prove it.

Yeah, those can be implants.

I walked into your home even though it was locked.

The back window was open for air.

Come with me and I'll show you proof.

I don't know about this.

You can handle it.

Did you have a nightmare tonight?

How did you know that?

You're really deep in your human husk.

Huh?

When a human is sleeping and we are close by,

they sometimes get a signal inside them to awaken.

Human instinct.

Oh.

Wait a second, weren't you guys walking around during the day?

Isn't that against the law or something?

Law?

No really, how do you guys walk in the day?

Ever heard of sunblock?

Oh.

You're taking me to a strip joint?

No.

We're going to feed.

You need to know that this person won't be hurt.

They can hardly feel it.

Goodnight.

See you tomorrow.

Got a cigarette?

$2.

I don't have any cash.

Nothing's free.

[screaming]

Are you people crazy?

What are you?

You said she wouldn't get hurt.

Well, maybe teensy weensy.

Some people eat chickens, others eat cows, we eat humans.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Do we chase him?

No.

He'll run straight home and lock the doors.

He's going to lock the window that he left open.

Then he'll go into the kitchen and lock the back door.

He'll try to calm down.

There'll be a glass of water waiting for him on the counter.

He'll drink the entire glass, every last drop,

and fall into a deep sleep just as he puts the glass down.

[music playing]

[growls]

[slurping]

Night night.

[choking]

Please.

We need you.

Find my soul and bring me back.

What?

After I die, find me.

Bring me back.

[sputtering]

I promise.

We both promise.

[bird cawing]

[music playing]

[screaming]

CAMPBELL: Restore our vampire race to glory

[phone ringing]

CARMEN: Um, beep.

[laughs]

Hello, Carmen. It's me.

Hey.

I haven't heard from you in, like, a day or something.

I'm getting really worried.

If you get this in time, meet me at Materials at 7:00, OK?

And if I don't hear from you, I am,

I'm going to send out a search party.

OK, bye.

You can't see her or that boy.

CARMEN: But they'll be worried.

You can't tell them what happened to you.

I understand that, jackass.

If you have to call her, you have to break it off.

Tell her you're moving.

Relax.

You guys act like I was born yesterday.

You kind of were.

OK, shut up.

I was reborn yesterday.

That doesn't mean I'm a child.

I'll figure out what to say.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

- Greetings. - Greetings.

I'm Brother Jones.

I'm and I'm Sister Jones.

We are from the Church of Love.

Church of Love.

Do you love your life?

Do you want to live forever?

Forever.

I'm already covered, thanks.

Oh, thank Jehovah.

We are saved and living in a loving kindness.

And going to heaven.

And now we have met a transcendent spirit.

A transcendent spirit.

You know, there are two people inside that

would love to learn about the penetrating hands of Christ.

You should go talk to them.

Oh, can we?

We'd love to.

Come right in.

Lead the way, oh spirit.

Oh, motherfucker.

If he's not here in five minutes,

I am sending out a fucking search party.

Well, Well, well.

Isn't this my lucky day?

What do you want?

Nothing from you.

Where is your friend?

He's meeting me here in a couple minutes.

Poor thing.

You say that with such doubt.

Don't you have a corner or something

that you need to be on?

I mean, it's a recession.

Doesn't everybody want a cheap whore to fuck?

[laughs]

Wow.

Did I hit a nerve?

Hm?

No.

You smell and it's making me sick.

Nice comeback.

She's right.

You smell like ass.

Ass.

I know you're poor, but the sun is free.

Take a walk.

You look pasty.

I slept all day yesterday.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

I thought those people kidnapped

you, those total weirdos.

What happened?

I'm fine.

By the way, I don't find it appropriate to leave fuck you

as a tip.

That was four days ago.

Get over it.

Why don't you go back to that loser Al you're fucking?

And this coming from the biggest loser of all time.

You will never amount to anything.

Your acting is so bad you can't even get a part

in a community college show.

And your mother was a skanky ho.

Guess you finally realized she never loved you, since you

finally took off that necklace.

Cat got your tongue?

Never been loved?

That's something we have in common, isn't it?

Your grandmother.

Every time it was your birthday, she seemed to forget.

But for everyone else's, she remembered.

Right up until her death.

Now, what was that all about?

How did-- how did you know?

What is the matter with you?

Did you not hear what she just said about my mother?

Yes, but I know she isn't exactly a Harvard graduate.

What was that?

What do you mean?

You're acting funny.

And you're acting like it's a game or something, like you're

playing cat and mouse.

[buzzing]

Peter's calling me.

I have to go.

Are you OK?

Just peachy.

All right.

I'll see you later.

Stop being a weirdo.

Something wrong?

What happened to that necklace I was wearing?

Why would you want that?

Because my mother gave it to me

before she put me in the orphanage.

So?

So it means something to me.

I've had it my whole life.

This is your new life now.

You don't need that anymore.

I know what I need.

He has too much human emotion.

You are too impatient.

Give him a couple of weeks.

CAMPBELL: We've been waiting 200 years for a plan.

I'm hungry.

I think I'm going to go find something to eat.

May I come with you?

No.

I think I'm going to find a certain cattle alone.

[music playing]

[growls]

[thundering]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hey Maria.

Oh.

It's you.

What are you doing?

Have sex with another skanky ho?

Something like that.

Say hello, skanky ho.

Hello, skanky ho.

Wow.

What a way to spend your last moments.

Even with her last dying breath, she still

admits that you're a whore.

Now, doesn't that tell you something?

[laughs]

[thundering]

[panting]

Boo, bitch.

Get away.

[laughs]

[music playing]

Well hello, Dirty Sanchez.

[screams]

[music playing]

I need you to talk to Carmen.

He's changed.

She's gotten pale.

And we bumped into Maria today and he acted like--

he acted like he was going to kill her.

Well, I mean, let's be honest, nobody likes Maria.

But you know, Carmen can be a little over-dramatic sometimes.

I know.

You really care about him, don't you?

He's my best friend.

I see.

I mean, I care about both of you.

Really?

You care about me?

Well, yeah, of course.

I mean, I know you.

Yeah.

I know you too.

LIBRARIAN: The library will be closing in five minutes.

- We should. - Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

if it makes you feel any better, I'm going to talk to Carmen.

Oh, thanks.

That's good.

Yeah.

Well, this is my stop.

[laughs]

God.

That was-- that was weird.

Yeah. I know.

I know.

It was so weird.

I'll, um.

I gotta go home.

I'm fine.

[sighs]

God damn it.

Oh, it's you.

- Who'd you think it was? - None of your business.

I don't see Peter and Carmen with you anymore.

Well, you're not very observant then,

because I just left Peter.

And Carmen?

He's busy.

More important things than you?

Al, I don't know why the fuck you follow me,

because I don't like you, OK?

So get the fuck away.

You've always been a fucking bitch.

What are you doing?

Get the fuck off of me.

Something I should have did a long time ago.

[screaming]

No, stop!

No!

[screaming]

No, stop, get off of me!

No!

[screaming]

Maybe I'll come by your place later.

We'll have a nice, romantic dinner.

[thundering]

[screams]

Jesus, what the fuck are you doing here?

Jesus doesn't live here anymore.

What do you want?

You touched her.

You hurt her.

I didn't touch anyone.

Thou shall not lie.

Get out.

Stop. Stop.

Did you like it when she screamed for you to stop?

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

CARMEN: Sorry?

Sorry isn't good enough, now is it?

Now, what am I going to with you?

Think.

Think, think, think.

Eat you?

Eat me?

I don't think so.

Your blood would probably taste like shit anyway.

Eat me?

Yeah, eat you.

You know, blah, I'm going to suck your blood.

Not like, eat your twat or toss your salad, because that'd

be just plain silly.

Fuck you.

Haven't you done enough fucking tonight?

Where's that weapon you used on here?

What weapon?

Oh, you know, that weapon.

Now, where is it?

Where is that silly little weapon?

[screams]

There it is.

You don't like what you see?

Well, look away then.

[knocking]

Uh, hi.

Is Carmen home?

Carmen doesn't live here anymore.

Excuse me?

Who the hell are you?

[growls]

Wait, those aren't-- those aren't real, right?

CARMEN: He raped her.

EMILY: So you killed him?

CARMEN: Of course.

EMILY: You didn't drink him?

CARMEN: I don't drink pig's blood.

EMILY: Perfectly good meal goes to waste.

You don't understand.

He raped Tracy.

He raped Tracy.

I don't eat what hurts my best friends.

She's a human.

We can change her.

We'll talk about this later.

Whatever.

Wait.

What?

Bitch alert.

Oh, great.

If it isn't my favorite customer.

You know I always was.

What do you want?

To say hello.

Well, goodbye.

Is there a problem?

Who the fuck are you?

She's so sweet.

And I missed my meal tonight.

Looks like you're the main course.

You people are fucking freaks.

[laughter]

Great.

Running.

It's great exercise.

But my feet hurt.

You can't run.

I know this is all frightening, but it only lasts a minute.

You'll go numb and then everything will go black.

[screams]

What are you?

Take a wild guess.

Her blood tastes like nail polish remover.

Carmen, don't you know there are vampires in Africa who

don't have any blood to drink?

And?

I don't know what happened.

It's like everything went out of whack.

But Carmen, you should have seen the look on his face.

It was like-- it was like he had no soul.

It was deadly.

CARMEN: I know.

You know about Al?

Don't you have anything to say?

The situation has been handled.

Handled?

What are you talking about?

What's the matter with you?

Hello?

I'm fine.

That's what you keep saying.

You keep saying that you're fine, but you're not fine,

are you?

You didn't even call me back last night.

I called you.

Where have you been?

I've been busy.

I have a life.

You have a life?

Excuse me, doing what?

Excuse me, Tracy, but some people

have personal lives they wish not to talk about.

Some people?

We tell each other everything.

What is this?

Is it your new buddies?

What?

You're jealous, Tracy?

Are we back in high school now?

As I recall, you're the one who had trouble making

friends in high school, Carmen.

Not me.

I'm sorry, Tracy, for venturing

out by myself and moving on from this life,

even though you can't.

To tell you the truth, I'm--

I have better things to do.

You could at least do me the favor of listening

after what I've been through.

I already did.

Fuck you, Carmen!

How does it feel to be dead?

Ha ha.

Funny.

Does cleaning make somebody a little bit grumpy?

How irresponsible can he be?

I don't think we should have brought him back.

He is still learning.

Learning?

Look at this mess.

He didn't feed or anything.

Our race could be discovered and destroyed,

and of course, I'm the one cleaning it up.

And that boy came by looking for him.

Lucky I didn't kill him.

It's that girl.

We have to do something about her.

Oh?

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

I am not jealous of a silly little human.

Oh really?

What about Zelda?

Zelda?

When he was first a vampire, he was

involved with that girl Zelda.

He was very close with her and insisted we change her for him.

Almost got us killed before she was staked.

Tell me you don't remember.

Tell me.

I have no idea who you are talking about.

Zelda.

You know, the large breasted woman.

They weren't that large.

Melons.

TRACY (ON PHONE): Hi, it's Tracy.

Leave a message or get lost.

Hey Tracy, it's Peter.

Listen, something really weird is going on.

I went over to Carmen's last night

and some guy answered the door that I'd never seen before.

And OK, I know this sounds really weird, but--

Tell me about it.

Holy shit.

Wait, how did you get in here?

What?

Do I have to show you my fangs?

Wait, are you?

Are you?

Yeah.

I mean, it's so cool.

I mean, I couldn't believe it either.

And they told me I'm like this big king and it's just--

Are you going to kill me?

What?

Where would you get that idea?

From that asshole that answered your door.

Oh please, Campbell?

His bark is worse than his bite.

Bite.

That's kind of funny.

No, that's not funny.

I'm sorry, Peter.

That was in poor taste.

[laughs]

Sorry.

Hold on.

Hold on for just a second.

Enough, Carmen. Stop.

OK.

Peter.

Hello.

I would never hurt any of you.

God, they have no power in that department, trust me.

You're kidding, right?

What are you doing?

What have you done?

Well, I killed Al.

I mean, he almost gave me a back sprain.

Such a fat ass.

What?

Why?

I have my reasons.

OK.

What about Maria?

I haven't seen Maria in a while.

Oh, consider that a blessing.

Whoa, dude.

What about Josh?

Did you just go kill him too?

Oh dear, I almost forgot about him.

I mean, with all this crazy vampy stuff happening,

I just haven't had time to think.

So what, you're just killing whoever pisses you off?

I'm just having a little fun.

Fun?

What happens when Tracy pisses you off?

What happens when I piss you off?

No, nothing.

Nothing.

I mean, Tracy already pissed me off and she's fine.

I can't trust you, Carmen.

Oh.

Well, I mean, it's going to take some time, that's all.

Here.

Call Tracy.

She needs you.

MAN (ON TV): A couple of beers.

He seems nice.

Between you and me, I'll have her clothes

off by the end of lunch.

And having a date would--

Leave my friends alone.

Humans are not your friends.

Did you or did you not hear what I just said?

We heard, your majesty.

I can't even watch TV anymore.

I know.

Now, the '50s, that was the true golden age.

Whatever happened to Jackie Gleason,

Art Carney, Sid Caesar.

Imogene Coca.

- She was all right. - She was brilliant.

I never found her that funny.

You're an idiot.

Don't look at me.

I don't know any of these people.

I love Sarah Michelle Gellar though.

What?

That's offensive.

Don't you dare say anything about my little Sar Sar.

Besides, watching television just reminds me of how

much I want to be a performer.

What stopped you?

Not what.

Who.

Who?

Would you help me?

Always.

I'm coming mean for you, Josh.

Hey Carmen, it's me.

I just wanted to say that I'm really, really

sorry about our fight and Peter and I are going to the play

tonight. You should meet us there.

Let's just, we'll forget about what happened

and we can make fun of people in the show.

OK, I'll talk to you later.

All right, bye.

VOICEMAIL: Message erased.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

So we're going to kill him, right?

For the last time, yes.

But no wasting food this time.

God.

Don't have such a [inaudible] attack.

I guess he's not coming.

I'm sure he's fine.

He's just going through some stuff right now or something.

Let's just leave him alone.

Remember, we're here to feed, not just kill.

You guys can feed.

I want his head.

You need to stop doing this.

Doing what?

Doing what?

Killing people for fun.

It's nonsense.

It's a waste of time and energy.

We need to stop wasting food.

I don't eat what I hate.

Repeat the plan.

Please.

That's better.

Emily and I will look backstage.

You, you can go check his office.

If he's not there, check the seating areas.

The seating areas?

Yeah, the theater where the people sit and watch the show.

You mean the house.

God, you call yourself an actor.

Oh, fuck you.

Anyway, if you find him first, send him to me.

[background chatter]

He is the holiest of holies.

Work it, Mary.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me.

You don't belong here.

Get out or I'll call security.

Yeah, great, that was the lead and now everyone's

going to be looking Josh.

[belches]

Just go.

Excuse me, may I help you?

The question is, who's going to help you?

That's very funny.

You're making a joke.

Who are you?

Critic.

You're a critic?

Are you a student?

I don't recognize you.

Excuse me?

Oh, schizer.

Are you Jessica's boyfriend?

Listen, I'm sorry, OK?

She came.

We were working on Heinrich Mueller play, all right?

I was helping her.

Things happen.

Somebody wants to drink you.

Somebody wants to drink me?

OK, listen, I have a play in about 35 seconds.

[growls]

Boo.

Do you know where Josh is?

I don't know, but I don't think

you're supposed to be here.

[laughter]

[music playing]

(SINGING) (SINGING) When you shine

your light on me, right on me, I want you

to shine it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a boy who used to dread his fate.

But now I know I'm something great.

And you thought I was second rate.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a dime a dozen wannabe.

But now I'm strong as I can be.

So to those who once gave up on me, ha bloody ha.

I lived in fear but now I'm here.

Ha bloody ha.

Now I got class and I kick ass.

Ha bloody ha.

I've come to grips.

Read my lips.

Ha bloody ha.

This is the one life that you've got.

Better shit or get off the pot. 'Cause you'll be too old.

And your blood, it will turn cold.

And it won't flow down to your twat.

I was a virtual non entity.

Distant, poor obscurity.

And now I live for eternity.

Ha bloody ha.

I was a kid who couldn't go far.

But take a look at how things are.

If you don't think that I'm a star, ha bloody ha.

I've got pride from deep inside.

Ha bloody ha.

There's no doubt I'm coming out.

Bloody ha.

I've found my way.

That's what I say.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Bite me.

[cheering]

Campbell's got him.

But everyone loves me.

[cheering]

There you are.

We've been looking everywhere for you.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

And you said I'll never get ahead.

What?

Look, you can wear it as a hat or something.

See?

We have to get out of here.

I'm calling Carmen.

No, just don't worry about it. Let's just go.

I'm calling him.

Just give me your phone.

Yeah.

Hey.

I don't know what I just saw in there or what's going on,

but we need to talk.

Why are you and Peter keeping secrets from me?

This is childish.

Give me a call.

We need to talk.

Why are you and Peter keeping secrets from me?

This is childish.

Give me a call.

If humans keep finding out about our existence because

of your poor judgment, we will be wiped

off the face of the planet.

Do you understand?

Listen, bitch, I'm your so-called king, right?

The ruler of all vampires, your so-called savior?

Right? - Yes.

Good.

So I'm going to tell her anyway.

What I say goes.

Your majesty, it has been a long day for you.

What is best, I think, is for you to sit quietly and come

to a rational decision.

We'll briefly leave you alone.

He's not a king.

Why won't you tell me?

Because you're going to think that I'm crazy.

God damn it, Peter, just tell me what the fuck is going on.

Carmen is a fucking vampire.

What?

Look, I know--

I know you're going to think that this sounds stupid,

but I mean, come on.

Haven't you noticed how pale he looks

and the way he's acting around people like Maria?

And what about his two new friends

that were stalking him before?

I don't understand.

Why?

How?

Where is Al, Tracy?

And where is Maria?

And where is Michelle Landon?

Didn't he have a problem with her?

Because I saw her on the news this morning.

They just found her dead.

Please.

Carmen killed those people, Tracy.

I know that he did.

Everyone that he had a little problem with

is ending up fucking dead.

I don't--

I don't-- I don't believe this, OK?

This is fucking retarded.

He's gone too far.

Campbell, calm down.

We will figure something out.

Oh, I've figured something out all right.

He wants to fool around and do whatever he wants?

I'll do exactly what he does.

Campbell.

No.

We'll kill those two.

We'll kill everybody.

Campbell.

[distant screaming]

What the hell is going on?

[screaming]

We're gonna die.

We're all gonna die!

Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Come on, come on.

[screaming]

Campbell.

Tracy.

Help me.

Please.

Help me.

I can't.

[coughing]

Peter.

Peter, what happened?

Why did you do this to us?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

I didn't know this would happen.

I could save you.

Don't.

I don't want to be like you.

Go.

Go to Tracy.

You can still get to her.

Get help.

Just let me go in peace.

Peter, I'm sorry.

[coughing]

Just go.

Go.

I knew it would come down to this.

I don't want to fight you.

Oh, Emily.

Poor, sweet Emily.

That priest should have killed you a long time ago.

[grunting]

Where is she?

Please, Carmen, this is not going to end well.

[grunting]

Fine.

I'll find her myself.

It's taken me 200 years to find you.

[grunting]

Don't make me do this.

[grunting]

If I can't have you, no one can.

It was a long time ago, Emily.

My soul has changed.

I am Carmen now.

To me you'll always be Raven.

I should have died with you back then.

[gasps]

You're too late.

She's dead.

[moaning]

Not yet she isn't.

[grunting]

You fool.

You think you have power?

You have nothing.

You betrayed me.

You took my friends from me.

I'm supposed to be your king.

Just a king in training.

And you get an F. Pathetic piece of shit.

You're a waste of time.

That's why your mother abandoned you in this life.

I should never have brought you back.

[yelling]

You were a king once.

A great leader.

But now you're just broken.

Oh look.

The sleeping bitch awakes.

Go back to sleep, sweet little lamb.

Where did you go?

Right behind you, dip-shit.

[yelling]

God damn little brat.

You're a failure.

Like Emily?

She's dead.

[screams]

Nobody hurts my friends and gets away with it,

you son of a cunt!

[grunting]

Aren't you dead yet?

Why won't you just die?

Because I owe it to my friends.

By the way, I am not broken.

Tracy.

Tracy.

Vampire.

Please forgive me.

Please.

I'll always forgive you.

Please don't leave me.

You're my only friend.

I'll always protect you, Carmen.

Till the end of time.

[crying]

TRACY (VOICEOVER): Till the end of time.

TRACY: What are you thinking about?

I really want to cut that bitch's face.

Some other time.

But you got to kill your old English teacher.

Wasn't that funny?

[laughter]

He was like, he was like, please don't hurt me, please.

He was a total fuck-wad.

He was like a total C.

Oh, you didn't say the C word.

That's very sweet.

Well, I've changed.

Me too.

[laughs]

Wait a minute.

You just hacked up a man and that word still bothers you?

I still have morals.

OK, like, you're delusional.

[laughter]

Remember when we used to eat these?

Yeah.

People are so much better.

Cut it out.

This is a classy joint.

Silly bitch.

PETER (VOICEOVER): I never thought

we would end up like this.

I always thought that I would get married and have

kids, maybe even with Tracy.

And Carmen would either be incredibly famous

or go to jail for something stupid.

But becoming a vampire with a destiny?

I never saw that coming.

After Carmen left me in the hallway,

his mom came and changed me.

She's ashamed that she abandoned him after she became a vampire,

even though she hoped that by leaving,

he could lead a normal life.

She's not going to appear again until her guilt can pass.

She told me that I must protect them,

and that Carmen and Tracy need to survive to lead a race back

from near extinction.

Many battles will be fought and a long road lies ahead.

So now I guess it's up to me to guide and protect

them without them knowing, like a guardian

angel or a babysitter.

Well, one thing's for sure.

They sure are a couple of crazy kids.

Bitch, please, I will cut you.

You look like a dirty whore on crack.

[laughter]

[music playing]

CARMEN: (SINGING) When you shine your light on me, right on me,

I want you to shine it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha bloody ha.

Ha ha ha.

This is the one life that you got.

Better shit or get off the pot.

'Cause soon you'll be too old and your blood it

will turn cold.

When you shine your light on me, right on me,

I want you to shine it all night on me.

Ha bloody ha.

'Cause soon you'll be too old and your blood it

will turn cold.

Ha bloody ha.

[music playing]