Original subtitles

[suspenseful music]

[music continues]

[blues music]

-I'm gonna take a break! -Hang on a second, mate!

We need to stop!

Look, there's not much further to go now!

Dude, you said that like a million times already!

What's the hurry? These trees aren't going nowhere!

Come on, you losers, like, I'll be walking,

just as long as you guys and I ain't complaining, am I?

We're not getting anywhere!

It's just tree, after tree, after tree, and oh, look!

-another tree! -Look, we're setting up

a camp properly! You need to go in deep.

I'm talking balls deep as well, cause otherwise,

you stand up being bothered by other campers!

Now, I can see why I've never aided in Cub Scouts!

Well, the Scouts made me the man I am today!

Well, it looks like you're point is walking back skills

-to come in handy! -What we'll do,

we'll set up at the next available spot, yeah?

Yes, we will but don't blame me when you get woke up

at three in the morning by some drunken scout,

pissing against your tent!

[blues music]

♪ Everything seems Right in place now ♪

♪ Heaven above Beneath us hell ♪

♪ In between comes A brain new life ♪

♪ Don't miss the show ♪

-Right, everyone OK with this? -[Pam] Finally!

Anything!

Thank God! [giggles] Alex has finally found a place!

[Tina] Yeah, well, I like it!

Yeah, well, OK. We'll put the campfire there!

Me and Tina will set up here!

And you two can set up way over that side!

Just remember, stay at least two meters away for the flames!

Yes, sir, drill sergeant! Sir!

-How long to put up the tent? -Not as long as it takes

for Tim to realize that you can do this without an iPhone!

You put it to your ear, numnuts!

You got enough for tent erections?

Tim, we're gonna need some logs!

-For what? -[Alex] For burning!

-We've got! -[Alex] We've got firelighters

but we can't cook food with firelighters, can we?

Alright! I'll get some after I've done this!

-[Tim] Why? -Because, I like them

to look pretty! And... thin!

We're in the woods! [unintelligible]

-anymore! -Well, it's not about you,

it's about me! And it's girly, and I'm a girl!

You're still girly, I like your feet!

You two might want to hurry up! It's gonna get dark soon!

But you're the one that has walked for an hour!

Besides, who made you mister boss!

I became the boss, when drugs and alcohol

destroyed both of your brain cells, and now,

your common sense, has failed to realize

that if it rains, you're going to get wet! Clever!

I can't do this man! It's like I'm doing a broth!

-Where are you going? -I'm going to the loo!

-In the woods? -Yeah! I'm going to the loo

-in the woods! -Well, I hope it's only

-a number one! -So do I!

And don't take forever, we have work to do!

Yeah, we do! Why don't you get started while I'm gone?

Like, that's gonna happen!

What, mate? How's it going?

Hey, I've been hiding because it is cold outside!

Oh! Now it's raining, Alex, you deep, deep, doping,

cub scouting, tent erecting, freak!

[branch cracks] Hey!!

Don't sneak up on someone when they're vulnerable!

Just gotten dripped on my shoes!

Pam? You wanna see my dick? [dark voice in the woods]

You only have to walk! You don't have to sneak up on me

to get a glimpse, you know! You own this big boy!

Tell you what! I'm done now!

You wanna come and give it a shake?

I shouldn't have smoked that black shit!

[music builds] [knife slices]

What is taking that moron so long?

Bet he's taking dope, that dirty bastard!

Knowing Tim, he's probably just trying to skip camp duty!

Just go and tell him, you're having trouble,

and he'll come back! They always do!

[Pam calls] Tim?

All done! What do you think?

We'll test it out, to make sure it can stand the vibrations!

What kind of vibrations are you thinking about?

Not the kind that seismologists will be looking for, anyway!

-I guess we could test it out! -[Pam] Tim?

What about them, if they'll catch us?

Catch us? You do realize we're not fourteen anymore!

Certainly not your parents! Look! There's nothing

to worry about! Unless...

-What? -Oh, you want them to catch us!

-That is just dirty! [laughs] -I thought you liked dirty!

Come on you lazy sod, I'm not gonna do all the work!

I've never even been in a tent before, let alone pull them up!

Look, if you don't come out, right now, then somebody

is not gonna get laid all weekend!

Timmy!

Timothy!

Your two little friends wanna come out and play!

Timmy?

Well, screw you moron!

Tim? I can see you, you dork!

[ominous music]

What the hell have you been eating?

[music building]

[screams]

-What was that? -What?

-Outside! -It's probably just Tim and Pam!

[unintelligible]

I don't want them to see me naked!

I thought you liked being caught, you weirdo!

Look, I definitely heard something!

Alright, fine! If I go out and check it out

and no one's there, can we carry on?

-Maybe! -Is that a definite maybe?

-Well, we'll see! -Fine! Take a look!

It's not healthy to stop a man pre-ejaculating!

It's not good for the circulation!

And then, in the Cub Scouts!

Stupid twit, teasing girl guides.

[heavy breathing in the woods]

[ominous music building]

[Alex] Shit man, you scared me! I thought we were the only ones

up here! Look, we're not on private property, are we?

So, you got that! What the fuck you're doing?

[Alex screams] No! No! [knife slices]

[ominous music]

[Tina screaming]

[dark voice giggles]

-Good idea people! -Ah, here we go again!

I could be at home watching my favorite soaps!

Instead, I'm stuck in a stuffy car!

It's summer! Besides, it's only a one-time thing!

You know, the outdoors isn't my thing!

Well, watching soaps isn't my thing either!

-It's only a couple of days. -A couple of days, now, is it?

What happened to just one night, babe, I promise!

Well, see, camping is not really a one night thing!

You have to make it a two-night thing to get a real feel for it!

And what am I supposed to use for the bathroom,

-over the next couple of days? -Well, look! it's the woods!

It's like a big communal bathroom!

Happy days!

Are you expecting me to listen to you or something?

I'm checking out the relationship they've got,

-at least! -Depends on the couple.

I think I was married to the one-night stand, kind of life!

You know what I mean? That way, there's no confusion

on either side. Everyone knows and understands!

-How lovely! -And the fuck with the system,

you know! Whatever you wanna call it!

It's just eh... we call each other up

-and wham bam funky mam. -Back off, sitcom!

I can smell what you ate for breakfast!

Cindy? What you're reading, Cindy?

Porno.

It's not a gizmo, it's a novel!

Yeah? You mean the sequel to that movie about

-the Scottish junkies, yeah? -Yeah!

Do you think people can see into the future?

Because I... predict you and me will get it on tonight, yeah?

People who say they can see into the future,

do so get money from the old and the gullible!

You're not old? It's not the money I want!

Who you're staying with tonight?

Hun, you're way out of your league!

Share with what you're used to! Your own hand!

If you're not getting it from Dawn, you're not getting

-any from anyone! -And what's that supposed

-to mean? -I know your reputation,

and, you know, that's all you've got!

So she likes sex, big deal! We all do!

Well, not as much as her, from what I've heard!

like, her appetite for sex, is like,

Kevorkian’s appetite for alcohol.

And so, I like sex! Who doesn't!

My personal business, is none of yours!

I'll fuck who I want, when I want! Fuck off!

-Sitcom, you're driving! -What? Me?

-You wanna drive or not, Sitcom? -Yeah, I wanna drive.

Oh, Duncan! The reason we drink a lot of narf,

is we gotta share a turf with southern monkeys like you,

It's northern monkeys, you cock!

♪ I for sure have my pride But wasting my time ♪

♪ I'm feeling good Without your love ♪

♪ So what do you care Still telling me no ♪

♪ I'm feeling good today ♪

Guys, don't leave anything behind, yeah!

We're not coming back, until we head home!

Looks like you need a big strong man to help you up!

Well, if you see one, be sure to send him my way!

There's a track down here, we can follow.

Will it take us to a place to camp?

-Well, it should! -How long is it?

Well, as long as you want. the actual track is 40 miles,

but, there's an open site, two miles down the road.

Open site, hey? I didn't realize you liked performing,

in front of an audience! I was hoping we'd get

-some time alone, this weekend. -Not a chance!

[Dawn] Whatever!

-You're alright? -Yeah, I thought I saw someone!

You probably did! That's why we're going in deeper!

To get away from people!

♪ And I don't feel like I don't feel like ♪

♪ Feel like ♪

♪ Coming back ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Home, sweet home!

-It's about time, I'm knackered! -Knackered? I didn't even

have a boyfriend to carry my backpack anymore.

It's the longest track I've ever done in my life!

Only track, more like!

[Kirsty] Which means it's the longest then, isn't it?

Wow, a rope swing! Maybe I'll get my action from that!

And if I get there before you?

I don't believe it! There's a rope swing but no bathrooms!

Oh, look at them fighting over a piece of rope

like a couple of two year old's.

They're probably both hung on two year old's!

-Who's older? -I am!

-Oh, that's not fair, granddad! -I'm older than both of you!

-What was that for? -Yeah! Move along, old man!

You smell like one of the originals or something.

He does, hey! [giggles]

Hey, you wanna take Sitcom and get some firewood?

[both giggle]

Yeah, you go get some logs as well!

I'm setting up the camp.

So how come you and Duncan are still together anyway?

All you seem to do is argue about everything!

We don't argue about everything! Just still important stuff!

Besides, we do really well together in bed.

-Alright. -What?

Sex is the most important part of a relationship!

-Oh? -And trust I guess.

I can't take anymore, I need to pee!

I can't go with someone watching me!

Please don't tell Duncan I did this!

How about you? How come you're not seeing anyone?

Well, I'm not really looking, cause...

-You're into Matt? -What?

-Can you keep a secret? -Well, it depends, why?

When we stopped for gas I overheard Matt and Duncan

talking, and I'm pretty sure Matt has a thing for you!

-Really? -What did he say?

-Can I have a tissue? -He said that?

No! Can I have a tissue?

-Sorry, I got one! -No worries!

Anyway, Matt was saying,

he wants to get to know you better, and maybe more!

Really? You're not just making this up?

I swear, on my life!

I noticed him looking at me a couple of times,

when he thought, I couldn't see him, but...

Well, I noticed it too!

So, you should ask him!

-No, I couldn't! -Oh, come on!

What have you got to lose?

How's the tent coming along?

How's it look, like it's coming along?

From here, it looks like you're doing the inside out.

It is stitched wrong!

Just take your time! Follow the instructions!

I don't have any instructions!

[reading Spanish]

Hey! It's in Spanish!

English is on the back, genius!

I know what you're doing back there.

-Why you're not saying anything? -I can't be bothered!

-Oh, you'll like it! -As much as I like you!

You've got by far the finest seat meat I've ever seen!

Trust me!

That's a compliment cause I love porn!

No, wait! Not a lot of porn, just like the normal amount,

you know! I'm not a pervert or anything!

He says, checking out my, seat meat, as he puts it!

What's wrong with admiring beauty from afar?

Sorry, [unintelligible]

Is this all you're going to do?

You just keep hitting on me every chance you get!

-That was my plan, yeah! -We're supposed

to be looking for firewood! Remember!

Well, you could burn your bras!

We could pretend it's a 70!

Look, I was only kidding!

We're in the woods! What do you expect from me,

the heavenly, choir boy?

Let's behave like animals, back in nature!

All nudists!

[Sitcom] Piss off! It's mine!

OK!

Logs?

[Kirsty] We couldn't find any!

Right, cause there's not enough trees in the wood, hey?

Yeah, Sitcom!

How about you and me have a swinging context?

What do you mean?

Whoever swings the highest, wins!

What's the price?

A night with the most gorgeous girl here!

-Kirsty! -What the fuck?

You're on!

I have to see this!

[Kirsty] If you lose, I'll do it you know!

Fuck you!

I'll beat him! Just relax!

Ladies first!

[snapping]

Yes! Oh! [both laugh]

Oh, the drama!

[Duncan laughing]

-[Matt] You're alright, Sitcom? -[Cindy] Can you move?

Sitcom?

[sighs heavily] I can still trust. Did I win?

-What you guys up to? -Just been sitting here,

-drinking tea, like, ever! -Tea?

It's like being at my mum's house!

[Kirsty] Ah, stick the kettle on that!

-Well, out! -[Dawn] Oh no!

-[Kirsty] What? -Sorry!

No tea! Right! We're going back to bed then!

[Duncan] Oh, no, no, hang on, it's not even late!

Anyone know any scary stories?

Yeah! That will keep me up all night!

Good!

-[Kirsty] Matt? -I don't know any!

How about an urban legend?

Urban legend, ghost story, what's the difference!

Well, some ghost stories are almost definitely fake.

Whereas urban legends might be true!

Don't be stupid!

All urban legends have been proven untrue!

I would never do this test.

cause I bet whenever!

Will somebody just tell a fucking story!

I think Sitcom has got a scary story!

-And it's true! -Yeah!

[Matt] So, what happened in this area?

The reason why we have a nickname,

Camp Happy Dreams, Camp Nightmare!

Seriously? They should have named it after the madman!

-Bullocks! -[Matt] Oh, yeah?

Where did you hear about this?

A place of answers!

Where ever lies nothing but the truth!

Found it about a month ago.

That's why we chose to camp here.

Stop riveting on about it and just tell us!

With pleasure!

But it's not for fainthearted, so, that doesn’t include you!

Just tell us!

Alright! But you've all been warned!

There used to be this Ranger.

that patrolled this camp at night, right!

I mean, it was a boring job, because, not much happened!

Not much to do, just checking trees out!

Anyway, he had this girlfriend, he was deeply, and I mean,

deeply in love with, and he planned to marry her.

Hang on! You forgot the bit about her melon breast!

Shut up! God, you're so annoying!

So, he's madly and deeply in love with his girlfriend

with the melon breasts.

He then decided to prove his love for her.

One weekend, he brought her up here!

Exactly where our camp stands now,

for a night filled with romance, and sex and kissing.

After a passionate evening, he popped the big question.

She agreed to be his wife, and that was like

the perfect start of a happy ending, right?

After they were married, he was back at work,

but, driving around and patrolling the area.

Only this time, you know, his tent was set up

in the same spot, where him and his fiancé

had been the weekend.

As he got closer, he overheard the familiar sound of a woman

having amazing, intense, oh, orgasms!

-It was his wife! -Why would you cheat

on your husband, with his workmate,

in their workplace? I'm sorry, but this is just

some bullshit side of the story.

I'll end it there then!

No... wait! I want to hear the rest!

-[Dawn] Me too! -[Matt] Yeah, me too!

Whatever! It's not like it was scary or anything anyway!

So this southern Ranger, stirred furious anger!

He went back to his jeep, and he pulled out

the first he could find. A large machete.

He went back to the tent and he pulled out

his wife's lover, slicing his head,

clean off his shoulders. She curled up inside the tent,

hoping the Ranger would leave, but the last thing she saw,

was a machete, coming towards her face.

[loud screams]

Ridiculous! I would have ran while he was killing her lover,

and never looked back!

Shhhhhhhhhhh.

After the murders, he never returned home,

or never came back to work.

But he lurks around here, still at camp, at night mainly,

away from society. A society he can no longer live in.

Looking for innocent campers, to slice and dice.

Feeding a raging fire he can't put out.

And on nights like tonight,

they say, you can hear the screams of innocent victims,

begging for mercy.

Begging for him to put his machete to rest.

-[loud cry] -You idiot!

[laughs] You pussies scare way too easy!

It's not true!

Just because someone jumps doesn't mean they're scared.

It's a natural bodily reaction.

-Oh, excuses, excuses! -You don't really think

we believe that story!

You can sit there and think it's another made up urban legend,

but I assure you, it's not!

Let me guess! He wears a white mask too!

Oh, no, actually, he wears his old Ranger outfit.

So cliched!

Keep telling yourself that, when you're trying

to sleep tonight! Speaking of sleep,

Dawn! I'm hitting the sack!

You want to catch an erection?

[Dawn] Oh, I'm sure it's little, so, no thanks.

Soothe yourself, just eh, make sure you're keeping

an eye out for the Sparrow.

I'm sure he's some place close by.

You're kidding! His name's Sparrow?

So, not scary!

It's not the name you need to be afraid of!

[tent zip]

Well, if there's no more tea left, I'm heading to bed too!

That was the best sex ever!

-Beats my bedroom! -Oh, shit!

Here we can actually make some noise.

Haven't got to worry about your dad, busting

-with that cricket bat! -[laughs]

-Why, he's crazy! -He's not that bad!

You're right! You have to smack me in the head,

with that thing! Pass me a cigarette, babe!

Ah, I forgot I got us some weed!

I stole it from my mum's dresser.

Your mum smokes weed?

Doesn't every mum?

No! Where is it?

Ehm, it's in my pack.

I think I left it by the campfire.

Free weed!

Your mum's enough, and she smoked weed!

So, that tells me, I should bring you both out here!

Ah, you're disgusting! Get out!

Oh, I love you!

How is it?

That too in a bit!

[dark voice in the woods]

-Again? -Oh, no, it just keeps

-my skin smooth, honey. -Oh.

I heard a noise outside the tent.

You're tripping, man!

No, no! I heard a noise against your pack, as well.

So, we're in the woods! It's probably an animal!

Relax!

It didn't sound like an animal to me.

Here, take this!

Ah! That's the last time that you smoke my mum's weed!

Look, better safe than sorry, OK?

If there's nothing there, you can laugh with me

all night long! How does that sound?

Alright! Hey, hurry back!

I'm in the mood for round 7, baby!

Fucking twigs!

Anybody there?

This is a great idea!

Anybody there?

Alright!

I'm not playing games!

Screw this shit!

Hey babe! You can't go to sleep yet!

We're supposed to fool around some more!

Come on babe, I got scared stiff out there!

[ominous music]

[knife slicing]

[loud scream]

Who the fuck's alarm signal was that?

That wasn't an alarm signal!

[both] Dawn!

I didn't think you were that desperate!

Hey! It's not what it looks like, OK!

-It's ketchup! -Ketchup?

Tomato sauce! I made you all a surprise breakfast!

You could have had my eye out, you bellend!

I came in to see if she wanted to cook breakfast in bed.

So, you're trying to poison me as well as kill me!

Wow, wow, wow! Cook breakfast?

Yeah!

Yep! You're right!

Only Sitcom can induce that kind of fear in a woman!

I thought I was being romantic!

It's OK! I'm fine!

-Thanks Matt -Eh? Come again?

Thanks for being the first to see if I was OK earlier.

Oh! No worries!

So, I was wondering, how about we go take a walk?

Just the two of us.

You can bring your breakfast, if you prefer!

I don't think so!

Oh, maybe later then?

Now what? You're here to try and kill me again?

I just wanna say I'm sorry, for, my tent, so, sorry.

I made your favorite though. Egg and bacon omelet, yeah?

Or, I could put it in my pants,

and you could go and get it there.

Beta Killer!

[soft electronic music]

♪ Sitting in the parking Affirmation ♪

♪ As I'm lonely As a lonely Man can be ♪

♪ And I'm trying to find My name through relations ♪

♪ And I'm losing you ♪

♪ And I'm losing you ♪

-You wanna go for a walk? -Definitely!

Yep! He must be gay!

Sitcom, you still got that omelet you made me?

Yeah, but I really don't think I should stand up now.

Alright!

I said, beat it, not eat it!

-Thought you didn't want it? -I want it!

See, I get cranky when I skip breakfast,

in the morning.

And there's only one other meat that will put me

in a good mood for the rest of the day.

-Sausages? -Close!

Why don't you come back to my tent and find out!

Don't mind me asking--

Why exactly did you ask me to take a walk with you?

Don't know! Just eh...

You don't have to beat around the bush!

I've noticed you looking at me when you think I don't see you.

Plus, Cassy told me you're interested in me.

I'm gonna kill Duncan!

Oh, no! Relax!

Duncan didn't tell her!

She overheard you two on the way up here.

Now I feel like a twat.

Don't!

And he's cute he told your friend about me!

Although, you probably should have come up to me

-and introduced yourself first! -I wanted to!

I mean... a nice... smart... single...

Well, I wasn't single but...

-I was lucky. -Was?

[dark voice laughing]

That... was wicked!

Oh dear! I didn't know Sitcom was such a good cook!

I didn't even know he could cook!

So, how about Sitcom's story last night?

-What about it? -I mean, he was kinda spooky!

Come on! You hear stories like that all the time,

-in places like this. -Alright, so, you're not afraid

-in the slightest then? -[giggles]

-What's so funny? -Come on! Give me some credit!

What? You're saying that you're not afraid!

Nope, not one bit!

Then why were you kicking in your sleep last night?

I think, someone had a little count nightmare!

OK! So what if I did? Wow! Big deal!

I always get them when I'm not in my own bed, or yours!

Well, tell me about it!

There's nothing to tell!

-Kirsty! -No!

It's just a stupid dream, come on!

Exactly! So, you don't need to know!

Right! Whatever! I was only kidding anyway!

What are you doing weirdo!

Would it be scary if I'd have a white mask on my face?

You would be scary, even if you'd had "murderer"

tattooed on your forehead!

Guess who just did Dawn?

-Matt used to date her! -What?

What's that look for?

You'd have done the same thing!

I'm not a whore!

I... wanna say... sorry for, you know, like...

-I didn't know that you and-- -It's alright.

-We were over. It's fine. -Are you sure?

I don't want you to kick the shit out of me!

Seriously! We're over!

So... So, it's cool, yeah?

Yeah, we're cool!

[Sitcom] Thanks for telling me.

-Aren't you gonna say anything? -About what, exactly?

-About Sitcom and me, maybe? -Why? You are single!

I don't think you're getting the message!

Maybe I am! But just banging some other guy

is not gonna make me jealous! It doesn't work like that!

I dumped you! Remember! What we had, is over!

-It's been over! -It's only over if you really

-want it to be! -I'm done, Dawn!

-Guess who just did Dawn! -What? Ranger Sparrow?

No dickhead! Me, actually!

Despite you've been begging her for the last 24 hours!

I did alright! Ask Matt!

-Ask Dawn! -You know... maybe he did!

-How was it? -It was alright, you know!

Northern girls are more better.

Why? Because they're less fussy?

No! Because they're more giving,

if you know what I mean!

Don't worry baby! You are very giving!

So, what's the plan for today, chief?

What if we go berry picking? Saw some bushes on the road up!

-People piss in those bushes! -Oh, well, smart-ass!

Have you got a better idea? I don't have any,

-that's why I'm asking! -Look out! Wanna play?

-I'm up for it! -Yeah, I'm on Cindy's team.

You come all the way out here,

and you still want to kick a ball around!

[fast paced cheerful music]

♪ I for sure have my pride But wasting my time ♪

♪ I'm feeling good Without your love ♪

♪ So what do you care Still telling me no ♪

♪ I'm feeling good Without your love ♪

[ominous music]

We're tied, 6 - 6. Looks like we're gonna

-have to go into-- -[Matt] Extra time.

-Nice kick, Duncan! -Nice pass!

Wouldn't have made it without you!

Hm! Should make good players more often!

Did you just smack her on the ass?

Check her cheeks for hand prints.

Have you ever heard of just telling someone,

they did a good job!

I would have smacked your bum too,

but all you've been doing this entire game,

is complain about your hair,

and bitching how your clothes might get... you know, just...

-stay cool, woman! -Vile creature!

Yes, I am!

What happened out there? I thought you could play?

-I can! Fucking Duncan. -Well, what's up with you then?

Oh! You want a bit of barbie!

Don't we all?

How am I expected to concentrate,

when I can't take my eyes off her?

Just eh... you think someone you're not attracted to?

Is that what you do?

Yeah, like eh... Well, I'm thinking your mum.

You are disgusting, you know that!

Now I know why you wanted to come to my house last week.

Thanks for the sick tip.

Alright, you pussies, it's extra time.

Unless you guys want to save yourself the trouble,

-when, four feet... -[Sitcom] Wouldn't dream of it!

Alright, fine, then get ready for your walk of shame

back to camp.

In case you don't remember, the score is 6 - 6.

Oh, not for long!

How about we mix things up a bit?

I'm listening!

Sudden death. One goal.

You miss, you lose. You score, you win.

You can even pick your goalie, if you like!

Yes, please, no more running!

Shut up! I'm the captain!

Sounds too easy! What's the catch?

No catch!

Unless that football is bigger than your real ones?

-Wow, you're saying I'm a wimp! -Maybe I am!

Oh, you're saying I've got teethed genitals?

Either way, you decide Duncan!

OK! You're on! Who kicks first?

Anyone got a coin?

Here! Call it tails!

-Tails it is! -Looks like you're in trouble!

Come on guys! We haven't got all day!

I'll make it quick, so you don't have to suffer that much!

What the fuck!

Alright! Yes!

Alright, that's not fair! You cheated!

Fuck!

Tough shit! It was fair and square!

Oh! For fuck's sake!

Typical footballer! Pussy, yeah!

-What did you say? -Me?

-Yeah, you! -I just said that you

first preferred kissing chicks,

to watching you play football, that's all!

It's a game, mate! Just get over it!

-Yeah? -I believe I owe you this!

I bet you love shoving all those naked men!

You need to go down on the steroids, man!

He's just, fucking, a lonely bit of savage beast.

Well, big words for you, ain't it!

I've been hit in the head a lot!

At least I managed to get myself a girlfriend.

And Matt's got Cindy!

And what do you have, apart from

that stupid bandana on your head?

We're just a bunch of strangers on Facebook!

Oh, yeah, and us!

Well, we're too good at being your friends!

Let go of me!

It's true!

You can stop trying to tell me what to do all the time!

I'm fucking sick of it!

Sitcom, where are you going?

-[Matt shouts] Sitcom! -[Sitcom] Getting the ball!

I'll show him.

-Guys? -We're going home!

Haven't you forgotten we came in the same vehicle?

Well, we're all going home then!

Look, I'm not having fun. My friends are questionable!

And Kirsty needs the bathroom!

Alright! If that's what you want,

let's go home, I'll pack my bags!

-Sitcom not back? -No!

You need have known that, if you hadn't taken

the romantic route back!

I'll go find him! Will leave you two love birds to bond!

Sitcom? You need a hand?

You know I'm good with my hands!

Even on wankers like you!

[ominous music]

What do you mean, you didn't see him?

He can't just disappear into thin air!

Like, I've been telling you! I called out his name

and he wasn't there!

-And you didn't see him at all? -No! All I saw was this ball,

covered in blood!

That's not blood, that's ketchup!

You know, he was making his breakfast earlier?

Ketchup, rubs off! OK?

Will somebody just get me some more fucking water?

Maybe he's hurt!

If he was hurt, he would have come back to us,

or we would have seen him.

Maybe he wandered and got lost or something!

Well, either way, he's not here!

Maybe the Ranger got him!

Well alright! I'm only joking!

[Kirsty] It's just a cheesy legend!

Be honest! Haven't you felt

like someone is watching you? Cindy saw someone

-on the ride up! -No, I thought I saw someone!

Don't be ridiculous! It's not true!

You, yourselves said the legend was true!

Alright, it's Sitcom's story!

I don't know if it's true or not!

Knowing Sitcom, he probably made it up!

What? You guys said you didn't believe it,

now, you're like, all scared of it?

You're such a knob, Duncan! You and Sitcom!

Wow, wow! Is telling scary stories a crime?

Last time I checked, it was part of the whole camping experience!

Where is he then? If it's all part of a big joke?

A joke? What are you on about?

You expect us to believe that Sitcom

has gone off into the woods, and got killed

by some made-up Ranger! Come on Duncan!

-Give it up! -Look, I'm telling the truth!

I don't know where Sitcom is!

Do you really expect us to believe that?

I'm not lying, OK? If this is a joke,

then I'm not on it, I'm not in on it!

Come on! He's probably out there taking a dump.

He's not gonna shout, hey I'm over here,

while he drives the kids off, is he?

-What exactly is he doing then? -How many times! I don't know!

Is this story about the Sparrow real or not?

For fuck's sake! I don't know! Maybe!

Who the fuck cares anyways! Look! it's the middle

of the afternoon, not even a mad axe man goes out killing

-during the day! -This isn't a horror movie!

Kirsty! Stop!

-What do you think? -I'm not sure!

It's definitely blood!

But Sitcom has never done something like this before!

Something's not right!

I think we need to find him!

Maybe we should just call for help!

Great! No signal!

If there's no signal, then what are you doing?

Here's my number.

Come on, Duncan, we're going!

Can I come?

I think it's better if you stay here with Dawn.

If anything weird happens, while we're gone,

head for the Cruiser and lock yourselves inside.

-What took you so long? -What's the rush?

I'm gonna find Sitcom.

Are you just gonna leave us here?

Don’t worry! I'm sure everything will be fine!

Just hang tight! If this is a joke, and you're in on it,

-you're walking home! -You're so melodramatic!

I hope nothing happens to him!

The gig's up!

Hey, Sitcom, where are you?

Sitcom!

If you can hear us, say something!

Just won't be allowed to leave him alone for five minutes!

Something like that!

Can you please stop doing that!

I'm sure Duncan will be back soon!

Where did you say he was hiding again?

Uh? Oh, you know what! Up yours!

I told you! I don't know!

Just checking!

Can you please have another look?

I just had a look a minute ago!

It's the last time!

[loud ominous]

-I just saw someone! -Oh, not you, as well!

Was it Matt or Duncan?

I don't know! Have a look yourself!

[suspenseful music] Hey!

-Sitcom has a bandana, right? -He has, yeah.

That miserable son of a bitch!

I can't believe, I believed him!

-Oh! -Kirsty!

Oh, look, it’s Ranger Sparrow!

He's got a big, bloody machete!

Let me guess? It's to make up the size of your dick, right?

Cause after all, you couldn't even please your own wife!

[foreboding music]

Are you just gonna sit there, or you gonna turn around,

and use it, lip dick?

Alright, Sitcom, you can take that stupid shit off,

now I know it's you!

[dark voice]

Oh, shit! I'm sorry! Ooh! [music building]

Someone's gotta go back and check up on them!

Don't look at me!

-Me? -Kirsty's your responsibility.

We don't have a choice!

-We can stay here! -You dragged me here,

thinking I was lying to you!

And now, you want me to walk all the way back,

just because you must score points

with your new girlfriend?

Comes a hundred meters, that way!

What happened to brothers before hers?

Welcome to the 21st Century!

Don't be surprised if me and the girls leave you out here.

100 meters! That way!

And who did you leave the keys with?

-I gave them to Dawn! -Did you realize she's

pissed off with me?

She would leave us all stranded in a heartbeat!

Why is this my fault?

Your girlfriend's the one with the issues!

Kirsty! What happened?

Kirsty, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

[crying] Please, wake up!

No!

Fuck!

[foreboding music]

You're not fucking real! He made you up!

[music building]

[Duncan screams]

-Are you seeing anything? -Yeah!

Lots of trees!

Matt! I think you should see this!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

But the same ketchup!

[foreboding music]

[music builds] [Cindy screams]

We'll go back to the camp! Cindy! Come on!

-Dawn! -Kirsty!

Duncan! [shouting]

-Duncan! -Dawn! Dawn!

[Cindy screams]

-What's happening? -Dawn! Dawn!

Dawn!

We got to get to the van!

Let's go! Let's go!

-Thank god, it's you! -[Matt] What's going on?

[Cindy] What happened?

-It's the Ranger! -Tell me, you are kidding!

Oh, he's real! I saw him kill Kirsty!

-Sitcom's dead too! -Oh, my God!

Gimme the keys! The keys!

-He was chasing me! -Just keep moving!

[music builds] [Dawn screams]

[foreboding music]

Is he dead?

[Matt] You want to check?

Be my guest!

-No fucking way! -Oh, no!

But she's new! Come on baby!

-I got to get to the engine! -No, that's too dangerous!

You wanna get out and push?

Do, what you do best!

Scream!

-[Dawn] Anything? -No!

Or maybe we're worried about nothing!

I mean, Matt smashed his head up pretty badly!

-Hurry up! -I'm trying my best!

-Well, what's the problem? -I don't know!

-Did you do it? -Alright, try now!

-Shall I try again? -Yes, try it!

Come on, Matt, get your ass back in here!

-What the fuck is he doing? -Oh, my God!

-Try forward now! -We'll hit Matt!

He's dead! Just do it! [screams] Do it now! Dawn!

[engine]

Well, what are we gonna do?

[ominous music]

[Dawn screams]

[slicing]

Dawn?

[music builds]

[suspenseful music]

[door creaking]

[music builds] [dark voice laughs]

♪ Everything seems Right in place now ♪

♪ Heaven above Beneath us hell ♪

♪ In between comes A brand new life ♪

♪ Don't miss the show Join tonight ♪

♪ Please don't wake me up ♪

♪ The sun is just too bright ♪

♪ I've gone round the bend ♪

♪ I don't feel like I don't feel like ♪

♪Feel like Feel like ♪

♪ I just feel like go insane ♪

♪ Well, boy You've got no choice ♪

♪ Hands up The show is on ♪

♪ Brand new life Begins today ♪

♪ In the end All missions fake ♪

♪ So please don’t wake me up ♪

♪ The sun is just too bright ♪

[dark voice laughs]