Original subtitles

[Music]

Brick Bardo: It's a cruel world.

It's kind of lonely when you're only a foot tall

like this little Ginger who got shrunk by aliens.

Maybe a visit from Dollman will cheer her up.

I know meeting a chick my size would make me feel better

about being stuck on this planet.

[Music]

[Fighting]

Play time.

[Fighting]

[Music]

[Fighting]

A Bum: Uh-oh.

Look at this place.

[pause] What a joint.

[Noises]

A Bum: Make all the fucking noise you want.

Don't mean nothing.

I'm here and I'm warm and I'm dry.

Well, not too dry.

But this is my port in the storm.

Good evening, everyone.

Hope you don't mind sharing your home with me for the night

and if you do, fuck you.

[Pause]

Judith Grey: Sir, I'm here at Toyland.

Now whoever it was I heard before has dropped into one

of the main storage bins.

Over.

Over is right, Grey.

I told you that house is off limits.

What the hell are you doing there?

Judith Grey: My job.

Bullshit.

You're on suspension; remember?

Judith Grey: Sir, like I told you before, I have known

for months that there's something going down here.

I don't want to here this shit, Grey.

Judith Grey: Sir, I'm going

to give you my stakeout position.

Yeah. Standing in front of my desk.

I'm sending a unit to pull your ass out of there.

You're done, Officer.

Judith Grey: Not yet.

[Music]

[Laughing]

A Bum: There's more fun than [inaudible]

[Laughing/Horn]

[Music]

Thanks for helping us out, asshole.

[laughing] Let's get rid of this creep.

[Music]

Judith Grey: Jesus Christ.

Not quite, slut.

[Fighting]

You're full of this shit.

It takes magic to fight magic, bitch.

Judith Grey: [Inaudible]

Miss me, miss me.

Now you got to kiss me.

[Fighting]

Drop the gun.

Now.

Judith Grey: You guys don't understand.

Do it.

Judith Grey: Look, I'm a cop.

You were a cop, Ms. Grey.

Turn around.

Judith Grey: What?

Up against the wall.

Move it.

Judith Grey: You don't know what you're doing.

I was firing on a suspect that escaped through that air duct.

Uh-huh.

You're under arrest.

Judith Grey: What's the charge?

Discharging a firearm

in the city limits will do for starters.

This is for your own good, Ms. Grey.

We don't want anybody to get hurt.

Judith Grey: Okay.

I've been staking out this place for months waiting

for these suspects to make a move.

And now they finally do and you guys come along

and fuck everything up.

You have the right to remain silent.

Judith Grey: No, it's the goddamn toys.

Go after the toys.

Anything you say can and will be used you.

Judith Grey: You're letting the toys win.

Let go! No!

Yeah, right.

Well, thanks for coming along when you guys did

but I probably would have been able

to handle the weirdo by myself, of course.

You never know when you've got to put it all

on the line in this job.

You know what I mean?

[Music]

Who would have thought a good looking broad

like that going psycho.

Psycho.

All bitches are crazy, squirt.

Don't look so surprised, jerk weed.

I know all about women.

Nice [inaudible], half pint.

You've got shit for brains.

I can use someone like you.

[Music]

Hey, hey.

Rise and shine all you, rodents.

It's a great day to play hooky and hit the beach.

So come on.

Let's blast out under the blue skies and crank it.

Ginger: I'd love to rock out, pal.

Do you know anyone that will come and get me

down off this kitchen counter?

Brick Bardo: Perfect.

Sheik in a bottle.

All I got to do is find her.

Hey, buddy, you seen a girl around here about my size?

Huh?

Brick Bardo: What's the matter?

You never seen a cop before?

[Noises]

This is perfect, baby.

Just the thing to drive GI Joe insane.

Will you get the hell out of here?

Look, you're a public figure now.

Okay. Let's face it.

There aren't that many foot tall cutie pies running

around out there and the public has a right to know.

Don't you have any respect for freedom

of the press for God's sake?

Knock it off.

You're scaring me.

Oh, I think I wet myself.

You could have at least used a bottle opener.

What do you want?

Collins: An exclusive interview

with you wearing a teeny wienie little bikini.

Then you'll leave me alone forever?

All right.

Collins: Great.

Great. Just give me a couple of days.

I'll put some wardrobe together.

I'll call Barbie's people.

Maybe they'll give us a loan.

I'll see you later, doll.

I can hardly wait.

[Scary music]

[Scream]

[Fighting]

Brick Bardo: The exterminator is here.

Don't worry.

You're not dreaming.

Ginger: Who are you?

Brick Bardo: Bardo.

Brick Bardo.

The neighbors call me Dollman.

Ginger: Dollman?

Brick Bardo: Not really.

[pause] Yeah, real.

Ginger: I don't understand any of this.

Did you get shrunk like I did?

Brick Bardo: Come on.

I'll fill you in.

Ginger: Gross.

A month ago I would have just questioned.

I never know anything so small could be so scary.

Brick Bardo: Yeah.

Nightmares come in all sizes.

Judith Grey: I saw your interview.

You know where they are?

Collins: You're wasting your breath.

Judith Grey: You know,

I can make life very difficult for you, Collins.

Collins: Yeah.

Look, cop or no cop.

I don't have to give up a damn thing to you.

Judith Grey: All I need is an address.

Collins: Ever since we ran this story,

I've had people dropping out of trees making me huge offers

to tell them where these two little freaks are; okay?

Judith Grey: Fine.

So what does it hurt you to help me a little bit?

Collins: I made a promise to be discreet.

Judith Grey: What?

Your big offers weren't big enough.

Collins: Let's just say my integrity means a lot to me.

Look, you and I don't have to negotiate

on a cash basis, do we?

Judith Grey: Give me a break.

Collins: You've got assets, baby.

You should learn how to use them.

Well...

Judith Grey: Maybe you're right.

Collins: I always figured that the cops

and the press should learn how to cooperate with each other.

But I can't give up anything until you give something to me.

Judith Grey: Fair enough.

But I've got to have something, just a taste.

Just so I know that your information is good, you know?

Collins: It's the best.

[pause] You're making this tough.

Okay. Okay.

It's a little nothing town called Pahoota.

Judith Grey: Pahoota?

Collins: Pahoota.

Judith Grey: Pahoota?

Collins: Yeah.

I can drive us there.

We can spend the night on the road.

Judith Grey: Sure.

How about when hell freezes over.

Collins: What?

What is this?

Judith Grey: Thank you for your cooperation

with my little investigation of media ethics.

Collins: I'm doing a story on you.

When I'm done with you, you're not going to be able

to get a gig as a crossing guard,

you little prick teasing slut.

Okay. I didn't mean to call you a prick tease; okay.

[Scuffling noises]

Brick Bardo: You well done yet?

Ginger: Can't be too thin or too tan.

Brick Bardo: Or too small.

Ginger: Very funny.

Brick Bardo: Well, these fire stones that Onteros used

to get them to 400 degrees.

People get so tan they were toast.

Ginger: Would I be a babe on Onteros?

Brick Bardo: Yeah.

You'd do all right.

Ginger: Wow.

That almost sounded like a compliment.

Brick Bardo: Maybe it was.

Ginger: You don't talk too much about your home, Bardo.

Brick Bardo: Yeah.

I'm too far away from it.

Ginger: Miss it?

Brick Bardo: Not anymore.

Ginger: Then you should be able to talk about it.

I told you how I got into this whole mess

and I don't even know how you ended up on earth.

What's Onteros like?

Are there bug-eyed monsters all over the place?

Is it real dangerous?

Brick Bardo: Hell.

Your kitchen is dangerous.

Ginger: Come on.

So you're a cop; right?

Brick Bardo: Yeah.

I was a cop.

My beat was Angel City,

a high tech armpit of a city on Onteros.

My job was to nail every intergalactic scumbag I could

get my hands on.

I was damn good at it.

That pissed some people off.

Disappointed you didn't get to kill anyone tonight, Bardo?

You're through.

You goddamn psycho.

Brick Bardo: Hell.

I didn't give a shit about anything except doing my job.

Screw was a wart on the asshole of the universe.

We've spent the better part

of the last five eons trying to kill each other.

You're a very violent man, Bardo.

Brick Bardo: Yes, I know.

It's a violent universe.

I bet you'd thought you'd seen the last of me.

Brick Bardo: I am seeing the last of you, Screw.

After our last encounter this is all they managed to salvage.

I'll see if I can remember the first time.

Conglan bank job.

I blew off your left arm.

Most of my left foot.

And then there was the space extortion.

What did I take?

Two or three legs.

Among other things.

And the last time all I remember was your head rolling

around in the parking lot.

I didn't think it was enough to save.

Modern medicine.

They're doing some wonderful things.

It's too bad your lovely family couldn't benefit

as I have.

But then I think even our best doctors couldn't have done

anything with what was left with them.

Brick Bardo: What do you want?

You've always screwed up my plans.

But this time you won't have a chance because you're going

to be in tiny, tiny little pieces.

I've heard about this custom made monster they use.

Don't worry, Bardo, I'll take good care of it.

Start with his left hand.

How does it feel to be on the other side, Bardo?

[Noises]

Brick Bardo: I don't know.

You tell me.

[Fighting]

Brick Bardo: Screw left the guts of his buddies behind

and took off to save this grungy neck and that's

about all that was left.

[Noises]

I stole a unit from the police garage

and chased his ass half across the universe.

[Machine noises]

[Fighting]

They played a little rough for my tastes

so I gave them a quick lesson in manners.

[Fighting]

Drop the weapons.

Let go.

[Fighting]

Brick Bardo: Her name is Maria.

She reminded of a girl back home except she was a hundred

times bigger.

[Noises]

Maria: I didn't mean to scare you.

You are so small.

[pause] We can't stay here.

They'll be back.

Brick Bardo: I'm not going anywhere.

[Noises]

She took me home to a pit she shared with her ten-year-old son

and a bunch of noisy neighbors who thought I was a freak.

I would have found a way to beat the hell

out of there except Maria needed some help.

Get away.

All of you.

Brick Bardo: She had guts and wouldn't roll

over to some neighborhood scumbags

who are running the streets.

What? Your little friend going

to come over and beat me up?

Maria: Help!

Somebody help!

[Fighting]

Brick Bardo: I nailed them all.

It felt damn good, like I was a cop again.

I had a thing for Maria but it just wasn't in the cards.

Besides I was running low on ammo so I said good-bye.

[Music]

So I figured quiet wasn't such a bad idea.

Ginger: Quiet where?

In Pahoota?

I think you came to the wrong place, Brick, believe me.

I've got a story that will match yours.

It even involves space aliens.

Only this one wasn't shorter than earth people.

He just like to make earth people short.

[Music with machine noises]

Guys from space wanted the music and the babes that went with it

so they used the station to play the intergalactic dating game.

And we were the bachelorettes.

The idea was to shrink us down to portable size,

put us in their ship, and take us home.

The first one to go was Cookie, the waitress.

A very good friend of mine.

Then they went after Bunny.

They really played with her mind.

Then they came after me.

Actually it felt kind of good at first.

Then it got bogged out.

Before we knew it we ended

up in these tacky little space bottles.

[Music]

[Screams]

The DJ and some guys from town fought the monster

and got them to return the other girls to normal size.

But they chased them away before they got a chance to rescue me.

[Noises]

Where's Ginger?

[Screams]

Ginger: That was about as trapped

and alone as I ever want to be.

Help! Help!

I never real knew what being lonely was until... until...

Brick Bardo: You're not trapped, Ginger.

You're not alone either.

Ginger: I'm glad you're here, Brick.

[Music]

Ginger: Brick, behind you.

Judith Grey: Sorry.

[Music]

So now I guess I'm Miss psycho cop of the year.

Brick Bardo: How long did they suspend you?

Judith Grey: Six months depending

on the outcome of my hearing.

Brick Bardo: Does your captain back you?

Judith Grey: Are you kidding?

He's the one that had me busted.

Brick Bardo: We had a captain like that on Onteros.

He was a real jerk.

Every time he got his ass in a sling,

he'd use me for the fall guy.

Judith Grey: Sounds like we work for the same guy.

Brick Bardo: Except your pain

in the ass was bigger sort to speak.

Judith Grey: So are you going to help me?

Ginger: You mean hunt down the possessed toys?

Judith Grey: I didn't imagine them.

Ginger: Come on, lady.

This whole thing sounds crazy.

Toys that come to life and kill people

to help a demon from hell.

Tell me another one.

Judith Grey: Okay.

Hey, how about a girl who gets shrunk by a monster

from outer space and lives with your alien boyfriend

in the kitchen drawer, huh?

Ginger: Ha.

Judith Grey: Do you believe that one?

Brick Bardo: Ladies, please.

Ginger: She's already been kicked off the police force

for being nut-so.

Said there was some chicken delivery guy who fought the toys

with you the first time.

Why don't you ask him for help?

Judith Grey: I did.

He won't talk to me.

He won't talk to anybody.

He's... he's scared.

Ginger: That's convenient.

Judith Grey: It's true.

Brick Bardo: What about your kid?

They might want revenge on the both of you for screwing

up their plans a year ago.

Judith Grey: Yeah.

Well, I took him to my sister's.

He'll be safe there.

Ginger: You're acting like you believe her.

Judith Grey: Bardo, partner up with me.

You can go where those toys go.

You're the perfect size to help me kick their butts.

Brick Bardo: I'm kind of liking the quiet, Ms. Grey.

Judith Grey: It would be a hell of a job.

But if you can't, you can't.

I'm sorry to waste your time.

I thought you might still be a cop.

Brick Bardo: Wait a minute.

Ginger: Brick, don't.

Brick Bardo: I am still a cop.

Ginger: I just don't want anything to happen to you.

Brick Bardo: I can take care of myself, maybe this lady too.

I just never had a partner who looked like you.

Ginger: You're a little compact for her, aren't you?

Brick Bardo: I didn't mean it that way.

She's a cop in trouble.

Okay. You got me.

Judith Grey: Great.

Ginger: Actually you've got us.

Brick Bardo: Wait.

I don't want you tagging along.

Ginger: The hell I'm not.

She might decide she wants to play house with the Dollman

and I'm going to be right there

to show her who's built better for the job.

Besides I'm nurse.

If anything does happen to you, somebody's got to patch you up.

[Music]

Brick Bardo: What's the layout?

Judith Grey: Two floors

with an air conditioning system running through the whole place.

Brick Bardo: You can flush the toys out from one side.

I can bait them from the other.

Ginger: If they're there.

Judith Grey: We'll see them soon enough.

Brick Bardo: If we bust this case at all,

it'll square it for you.

Judith Grey: You know, I don't even care

if the department knows about this.

I just want to kill those little bastards.

That's far enough.

Get the hell away from her.

[Suspense music]

You can do all this shit.

What do you need me for?

The first asshole was just an accident.

We need a steady supply of blood to reach our full strength.

I can get you all the hookers you need as long

as you keep your end of the bargain.

You're going to protect us until we can summon the master?

Yeah. As long as he gives me everything that I want.

No problem.

Believe me.

Your life's going to change.

[Noises]

Judith Grey: Quiet.

Brick Bardo: Get me inside.

I'll take care of that.

Judith Grey: Set.

Brick Bardo: Set.

[Music]

[Noises]

Baby, you're mine.

[Suspense music]

This one's back for another ass kicking.

[Noises]

Officer Grey doesn't give up easy.

[Suspense music]

Ginger: They don't look alive to me.

Judith Grey: Yeah.

Well, this is just kid stuff.

[Music]

Brick Bardo: I haven't been hunting

since I landed on this planet.

This ought to be fun.

Judith Grey: The toys come in through that duct

so they can be any place in the whole building.

Brick Bardo: So let me in there

to meet the sons of bitches.

Ginger, you take cover.

Ginger: I'm no wimp, you know.

Brick Bardo: Yeah, I know, baby, but you don't have a gun.

We do.

[Gun shots]

Jesus. Who's out there?

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Who?

Brick Bardo: Drive them back.

Judith Grey: They'll stick their heads out again.

They love to play this cat and mouse shit.

[Noises]

Hey, bitch, how much ammo you going

to waste before you give it up?

Judith Grey: That much, you little bastard.

Hey, don't fuck with my friends.

I thought I got rid of you, you crazy broad.

I'll be damned.

More living dolls.

Judith Grey: Put the gun down.

Hey, I'm not sharing this shit with anybody.

[Gun fire]

Brick Bardo: Nice shooting, officer.

I wish I were 5 feet taller, no offense.

Judith Grey: Thanks.

We don't have much time.

That was two of the toys.

But there's more and they can go anyplace.

It's your turn now, Bardy.

Good luck.

[Noises]

Look out.

[Fighting]

Judith Grey: See.

I wasn't kidding.

Brick Bardo: Hang in there, Judith.

Judith Grey: Just finish the job; okay, Bardo?

Brick Bardo: Count on it.

[Noises]

Brick Bardo: Wait.

This is no good.

We don't know this place.

They can jump out anywhere.

Ginger, we need to find an advantage point.

Ginger: Look up there where we can get out.

Brick Bardo: I can't do that.

Ginger: If we get out of here, we could get some help.

Brick Bardo: I can't.

I made a promise cop to cop.

You wait here.

Look. I'll compromise.

I'll see what I can do up here.

You go [inaudible.]

Ginger: I don't want to leave you here.

Brick Bardo: I don't like the idea either, Ginger.

I really don't.

[Music/fighting]

Ginger: Brick, watch out.

[Fighting/noises]

Ginger: Brick.

Brick.

[Chasing noises]

Ginger: Brick!

Brick Bardo: Ginger.

[Music]

Ginger: Brick, up here in the bins.

[Chasing noises]

Why don't you join the party in the next room?

Better watch that first step.

It's a killer.

Ginger: Brick.

Brick, get up.

[Fighting]

Have a nice baby nap, Bardo?

Ginger: Brick.

Brick Bardo: I'm okay.

Are you all right?

She's a bit tied up at the moment.

Brick Bardo: Ginger, what's going on?

Actually it's more like what's coming off.

[laughing] I told you this is a party.

You might even call it my bachelor's party before my big

wedding night.

Brick Bardo: Wedding night?

You heard right, shithead.

Me and the doll chick are going to engage

in some marital bliss and start a family.

Brick Bardo: What the hell are you talking about?

You're a fucking toy.

That's right.

I'm a fucking toy and come midnight that's exactly what

I'll be doing to doll chick.

But first I want to have my party.

Let's start up the entertainment, boys.

[Music playing]

I love it.

It's really going to tear you up.

[Music]

That's done.

This is the best bachelor party a guy could ever ask for.

Brick Bardo: You said something about midnight.

What's going to happen?

The master arrives.

That's what's going to happen.

Brick Bardo: The master?

Who's he? A fucking Ken doll?

That's real funny, jerk-off.

We've got a couple minutes.

I suppose I could tell you the whole story before you split.

About 67 years ago on Halloween night some dipshit tried

to give him a body by letting the master do the nasty

with some bimbo.

Unfortunately they blew it somehow

and the kid was born dead.

So being the real brain trust that they were,

they had some rug rat trick

and treaters bury the demon baby in the ground.

They didn't realize that some day some yo-yos would build this

warehouse over the burial site.

For 66 years the master was a prisoner inside the corpse.

Looked like he'd never get another chance

until that pregnant slut Judith Grey showed up.

Her holier than thou spirit helped to fuck up everything.

That was a year ago and here we are again, Halloween night.

The master says it's going to go inside me.

And then the doll chick here, she'll have a kid

and finally the master will have the body he needs.

Oh, by the way, I got my baby doll a baby doll nightie.

It's for later when we make baby doll love.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

[Noises]

Looks like this is the end of Brick Bardo.

[Eerie noises]

Brick Bardo: Run.

Get the hell out of here.

Split him a new asshole.

[Buzzing noises]

Grab that whore.

[Fighting]

We're still going to bump and grind, baby-cakes.

[Music]

[Struggling noises]

[Suspense music]

Oh, now come on.

Baby.

Ginger: No.

Just relax.

Ginger: Stop it.

Take it easy.

Ginger: Stop it.

It's going to be fun.

Just think of it as kind of a baby surprise.

Ginger: Get away.

Maybe sort of like a little prick.

[Laughing]

It's almost time for your big bang, baby.

Put it on, cupcake.

I don't want to lose the romantic mood.

Ginger: Put it on yourself, you perverted mutant rat.

Fuck it.

You won't need it anyhow.

We're going to be

in our birthday suits once we get started.

[Noises]

Brick Bardo: Eat this.

[Gun shot]

[Music]

Brick Bardo: Pop goes the weasel.

Hey, hey.

Easy. Oh, you like to struggle.

Well, I like the rough stuff too, baby.

You know how babies love to nibble on things.

Ginger: Stop.

Get away from me.

Get away.

Open sesame.

[Screams]

Witching time.

Ginger: Stay away from me.

Stay away.

And away we go.

Ginger: What?

It's happening.

I'm changing.

[Noises]

I think you'll truly enjoy this, my dear.

Ginger: No.

Get the hell away from me.

Get the hell away from you?

You've got it all wrong.

I'm going to get the hell inside you.

[inaudible] suckers.

Too late, Bardo.

Drop the gun or I'll kill the girl.

Brick Bardo: Bullshit.

You're not going to kill her.

You need her.

I've waited this long.

I can wait another year.

It depends on you.

Well, it seems your Dollman doesn't think as much

of you as you believe.

Ginger: Don't listen to him, Brick.

Now drop it on the floor.

[Music]

Ginger: No, no.

Get over here.

Here's the plan, Bardo.

You try anything and I'll break her neck.

Do we understand each other?

Brick Bardo: Yeah.

Now, tell you what?

I'll let you watch me do the nasty with Ginger.

You'll be the first to experience my human birth.

Ginger: No.

It will be a real honor for you.

Ginger: Don't listen to that creep, Brick.

Remember he's still just a doll.

How wrong you are, my dear.

I have all the tools necessary now.

Ginger: All the tools.

[Gun fire]

Brick Bardo: Ginger.

[Music]

Ginger: What are we going to do now?

Brick Bardo: Call the cops.

Tell them Judith Grey died in the line of duty and after

that we've got to find our way back home.

[Music]

Brick Bardo: Pahoota.

What? You say you want to come here?

Brick Bardo: I said Pahoota, pal.

What's the matter?

You don't hear so well?

[Inaudible]

Brick Bardo: Step on it.

We're a little short of patience if you know what I mean.

[Inaudible]

[Music]