Original subtitles

♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪♪

♪♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪♪

[Lenny] Previously on Black Monday..

Somebody is trying to kill anyone

Somebody is trying to kill anyone

who was close to the Jammer Group.

My masterpiece.

[Lenny] Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated

It’s Lenny.

It’s Lenny.

Well, at least we know who the fucking killer is now.

All we need to do is make sure we’re all together

in one place and then--yagahh!

in one place and then--yagahh!

We catch him in the act. We’ll do it at the wedding.

Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve. That’s like a fun-fecta.

Dawn, will you fake-marry me?

Dawn, will you fake-marry me?

-I will fake-marry you! -[both laughing]

Well...

-High five, then. -[Dawn] Okay.

-High five, then. -[Dawn] Okay.

♪♪ bright classical music ♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Keith] Hey let’s get some more

fucking baby’s breath in there, please.

And why the fuck am I not hearing

And why the fuck am I not hearing

a sound check on that band?

Look alive, people. We got three hours.

Let’s go, go, go!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[door opens]

Wow, you look amazing.

Wow, you look amazing.

Motherfucker, knock!

I coulda had my pussy out.

Dawn, I’m gay.

Well, then you really don’t need to see it.

Jeez! What’s up with you?

Jeez! What’s up with you?

And what’s with the sheet?

You know, if you’re gonna make it an orthodox wedding,

you might wanna lose the bacon lobster roll station.

No, it’s bad luck for the groom

No, it’s bad luck for the groom

to see the bride before the wedding.

Oh, you mean the sting sham wedding?

To pull this shit off, we’re gonna need

all the fucking luck we can get.

all the fucking luck we can get.

What’s up, motherfuckers?

We got the perfect plan. [laughs]

-Wait, no, no! No peeking. -[Mo] All right.

-Wait, no, no! No peeking. -[Mo] All right.

Oh, okay.

All right, well, buckle up,

because "black tie optional"

is about to become "brown pants guaranteed."

is about to become "brown pants guaranteed."

-Ugh. -"Dress to impress?"

More like, "Dress to mess yourself."

[laughter]

[laughter]

We should have been working together for a long time.

I know, man.

I mean, I might have lost a fiancée,

but I feel like I’ve gained a lifelong accomplice.

Aww!

[Dawn] And I feel like the only people

who are gonna be shitting themselves tonight

who are gonna be shitting themselves tonight

are you two hos.

How much fucking coke did you do?

-Not that much. -I didn’t even really like it.

-I mean... -No.

-You wanna do it? Sure. -Do you wanna do some now?

-You wanna do it? Sure. -Do you wanna do some now?

[Mo] I mean, if the bride wants to do it, it’s your day.

[Blair] Do you have any back there?

All right, so since I’m back

to being a Republican Party pariah

that nobody cares about/believes,

that nobody cares about/believes,

getting Lenny’s confession

is gonna be completely up to us.

That means no backup, no FBI.

It’s a sting without the police.

It’s a sting without the police.

And much like The Police without Sting,

it’s gonna fuckin’ suck, but we can do it.

Yes, we can do it.

Yes, we can do it.

We have been grinding

on this motherfucking thing all day, right?

And we have come up with a perfect plan.

-Yeah. -Tells us the fucking plan!

-Yeah. -Tells us the fucking plan!

-Jesus! -Okay.

Sodium pentothal.

Isn’t that salt?

No, that’s sodium chloride.

No, that’s sodium chloride.

No, that’s the stuff

that makes your teeth hard?

That’s sodium fluoride, Dawn. Fuck!

Oh, you’re gonna make a fertilizer bomb

and blow ’em up?

and blow ’em up?

That’s sodium nitrate, you fucking idiot.

What, are you fucking homeschooled?

-Look at a periodic table. -Fuck you!

-It’s like a chemistry exam? -You’re dumb! You’re dumb!

-It’s like a chemistry exam? -You’re dumb! You’re dumb!

It’s truth serum. Jesus Christ!

Sodium pentothal is truth serum.

Just like in season 5, episode 14--

Let me guess. Hogan’s Heroes?

Okay, don’t ridicule, Dawn.

All right, that show was basically a master class

on how to fuck with people.

on how to fuck with people.

All we gotta do

is get it into Lenny’s drink.

[Mo] And then we taunt him

with the vows that Blair and I wrote,

which are specifically designed to goad Lenny

which are specifically designed to goad Lenny

into confessing in front of everybody.

Uh, standing O?

In three, two, now?

In three, two, now?

Can I be honest?

As a longtime Mo plan fan,

I’m underwhelmed.

I mean, this is relying a lot on TV logic

I mean, this is relying a lot on TV logic

and truth serum.

Does that even work?

Oh, fuck you, Keith.

You think that criminals

are just gonna reveal their whole plan?

are just gonna reveal their whole plan?

Uh, yeah, Dawn did, and so did her cellmate.

That’s why she went to prison and how she got out of prison

because criminals like credit.

because criminals like credit.

You know what, mind your fucking business, Blair.

No one fuckin’ asked you.

I’ve got a better plan.

Keith confronts Lenny.

Keith confronts Lenny.

-Okay. -Then what?

Well, that’s it.

I mean, he’s the one Lenny wants revenge on the most.

I mean, he’s the one Lenny wants revenge on the most.

Why else would he accept Keith’s invitation

to the wedding so last minute.

I mean, he did say, and I quote,

"I would love to be your plus one to get my revenge."

"I would love to be your plus one to get my revenge."

Exactly.

So all Keith has to do

So all Keith has to do

is get in a room alone with Lenny,

and he’s definitely gonna try to kill him.

-Nah, it’s a terrible plan. -Yeah.

-Nah, it’s a terrible plan. -Yeah.

Uh, you know what?

Now that I’ve had a second

to kind of digest Mo and Blair’s plan,

it’s kinda growing me.

it’s kinda growing me.

I’m on your side, guys.

Yeah, so it’s three against one.

-Ding dong! -[Mo laughs]

[Blair] Keith knows to leave the planning to...

[Blair] Keith knows to leave the planning to...

[both]...the plan boys!

[both grunt]

Oh, we did it at the same time!

Even the sound, right?

Even the sound, right?

[Yassir] What’s up, you fucking losers?

Look what I got.

It’s truth serum from my drug dealer.

It’s truth serum from my drug dealer.

Yo, this plan might actually work.

But that’s what happens

when the plan boys ride out again!

when the plan boys ride out again!

-Only Mo and me are plan boys! -Don’t say it

like you’re a part of it; you’re not in it.

You dumb bitch!

We’re getting tattoos, not you.

What’s with this ugly-ass sheet?

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Kiss you, hug you ♪♪

♪♪ Whatever might cross your mind ♪♪

♪♪ Whatever might cross your mind ♪♪

Lenny Leighman, as I live and breathe...

despite some people not wanting that to be the case.

despite some people not wanting that to be the case.

Oh, Congressman Pfaff.

You’re almost as difficult to kill as I am.

[both chuckling]

[both chuckling]

[both laughing loudly]

[both laughing loudly]

But now I am back and better than ever, baby.

-Mm-hmm. -And all it took

-Mm-hmm. -And all it took

was another excruciating year of surgical procedures,

and here I am, ready to get my revenge.

and here I am, ready to get my revenge.

Mm.

Well, not a lot of subtext there.

Well, why don’t we have a toast

to our improbable survival, huh?

to our improbable survival, huh?

-Cheers. -Mm.

[Blair] Oh, no, it’s not a real toast

unless we both drink.

unless we both drink.

Oh, no, the bubbly hurts my tum-tum.

My baboon thymus transplant

has really thrown a wrench into my immune system.

has really thrown a wrench into my immune system.

Monkey wrench, you might say.

Baboons are apes, you stupid person.

Baboons are apes, you stupid person.

-Sure. -Mm.

Well, why don’t I head over to the bar

and get us a bourbon?

-No. -Manhattan?

-No. -Martini.

-No. -Martini.

-No. -Bellini.

-No. -Margarita.

-No. -Sangria.

-No. -Cognac.

-No. -Whiskey Mac.

-No, sir. -Sex on the Beach.

-No, sir. -Sex on the Beach.

-No. -Kentucky peach?

-No. -Boilermaker?

-No. -Mind eraser?

-Uh-uh. -Pimm’s Cup?

I’m not a big fan of alcohol.

I’m not a big fan of alcohol.

Sorry, I should have led with that.

My father drank himself to death in one sitting.

He made us kids watch.

He made us kids watch.

Sad, sad, sad.

Why don’t I go over

and get you a nice glass of ice water then?

That’s okay; I am not thirsty, except for revenge.

That’s okay; I am not thirsty, except for revenge.

Yes, you keep saying that.

Yes, you keep saying that.

[laughs]

Ha!

♪♪ Oh yeah ♪♪

Oh, shit.

Sorry, I thought you were already out there.

Sorry, I thought you were already out there.

No. What’s the point?

Uh, I guess you’re right.

I mean, I already have seen you.

I mean, I already have seen you.

And you can kind of throw superstitions out the window

when we’re makin’ a mockery of the entire institution.

when we’re makin’ a mockery of the entire institution.

No, I mean, what’s the point of any of it?

Marriage, love, life.

Marriage, love, life.

Goddamn, PMS Dawn.

Lighten up. This is your wedding.

No, it’s not.

It’s some other bitch’s wedding.

It’s some other bitch’s wedding.

I’m in some other bitch’s dress.

Motherfuckers are out there eating

some other bitch’s shrimps.

some other bitch’s shrimps.

Something borrowed?

-Tell one more joke. -[Mo] Wait a minute.

Come on, Dawn.

Come on, Dawn.

-Tell one more. -Take it easy.

Look, look, look.

I know this isn’t your dream wedding, okay?

It’s my nightmare wedding, actually.

It’s my nightmare wedding, actually.

When am I gonna have a normal life,

where I’m not lying to everyone all the time,

where I’m not lying to everyone all the time,

where I’m not cheating?

When am I gonna have the life that I wanna live?

What is the life you want?

I don’t know, but not this.

You know, there’s just something about

pretending to get married to catch an evil twin

who’s trying to kill all your friends

who’s trying to kill all your friends

that makes a gal question her choices.

That’s a strange laundry list of things

That’s a strange laundry list of things

that you needed for that to happen.

Take it to heart, Mo, ’cause you know what?

Take it to heart, Mo, ’cause you know what?

♪♪ soft music ♪♪

I think I got shit wrong.

What? What shit?

What? What shit?

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

We’ve got a problem.

Lenny doesn’t drink anything.

You guys look very cute.

-[Mo] Oh, thank you. -[Dawn] Thank you.

-[Mo] Oh, thank you. -[Dawn] Thank you.

[Blair] And the crowd went wild for the shrimps.

They’re almost gone. What do we do?

How is that possible?

We had more than 30 pounds of shrimps!

We had more than 30 pounds of shrimps!

Don’t you worry, ’cause we are the plan--

-Ow! -Oh, my gosh.

I saw that coming. He wasn’t ready.

I saw that coming. He wasn’t ready.

Are you serious? Your shoulder hit my rib.

I’m more fragile than I look.

My shoulder shouldn’t be anywhere near your ribs.

-It should be on your back. -God damn!

We do this back-to-back thing.

We do this back-to-back thing.

[Dawn] All right, guys, look!

I think I know the one thing that Lenny drinks.

Mm.

Mm.

I never took you for a milk man, Mo.

But only if it’s fresh and warm like this.

But only if it’s fresh and warm like this.

-Warm, you say? -[Blair] So good.

You’re something of a milk guy yourself.

Aren’t you, Lenny?

Mm, I dabble in dairy.

Mm, I dabble in dairy.

Sure.

Be my guest.

♪♪ smooth music playing ♪♪

[both chuckle]

[both chuckle]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Look, I know you consider me a monster

Look, I know you consider me a monster

from time to time.

-Leonard. -No. We all have bad days.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

-No, no I’m-- -Oh.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

To you, Maurice.

To you, Maurice.

Enjoy this moment while you still can.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Hey, now, bottoms up.

Blair here said it’s not a proper toast

Blair here said it’s not a proper toast

unless we both drink.

Oh, did Blair say that?

Did I? I don’t know.

Did I? I don’t know.

-Oh, Blair. -[Blair chuckles]

-So I’m waiting. -Of course.

Woof-dah.

Tastes like milk.

Tastes like milk.

-Maurice. -Fantastic.

-[coughing] -Oh, my God.

-Jesus. -Well, I’m glad Lenny drank it.

-Jesus. -Well, I’m glad Lenny drank it.

But are you gonna be okay? Fuck!

Don’t worry about me, kid.

I can handle my pentathol.

I can handle my pentathol.

Question: were you very attracted to me

when you first met me?

I knew it.

I knew it.

♪♪ bright classical music ♪

[Yassir] What is a vow?

What is the meaning of a vow?

What is the meaning of a vow?

I’m seriously asking,

because what I thought was a vow is actually an oath.

because what I thought was a vow is actually an oath.

And what I thought was an oath is a promise.

-And then I tried to find vow. -Yassir.

Right.

Right.

Let’s just get on with the vows.

Mo...

-[Yassir] Dawn... -Thank you.

-Take it away. -Yes.

Hello, Mo.

Hi, Dawn.

[Dawn] The host with the most,

the groom with the broom in his pants.

the groom with the broom in his pants.

[scattered murmurs]

Yeah, we killed.

It’s me, Dawn, and I’m so grateful

we finally made it to this day

we finally made it to this day

when so many others did not.

Goddamn, we lost a lot of folks this year...

Goddamn, we lost a lot of folks this year...

[Mo] Mm.

...to a punk-ass killer

too chicken shit to confess to his crimes

too chicken shit to confess to his crimes

like a cool serial killer would.

like a cool serial killer would.

Even the FBI profiler described him as,

quote,

quote,

"A man so physically gross

he can never be loved.

he can never be loved.

So he should quit playing

and just admit his shit.

and just admit his shit.

Otherwise, he is the biggest...

pussy

pussy

since the Macy’s Day Garfield float."

[sighs]

[sighs]

"Ay, dios meow," indeed.

-God, I love you, Dawn. -What?

-God, I love you, Dawn. -What?

Oh, I love you, Dawn.

Okay. Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

Okay. Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

We are getting married. [clears throat]

Anyways, the nutless coward--

It’s like somebody walks into your life,

It’s like somebody walks into your life,

and you just can’t imagine

what life was ever like before them.

what life was ever like before them.

Wow. Mo, I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know what souls are made out of, Dawn,

I don’t know what souls are made out of, Dawn,

but you and I have the same one.

Okay, what is happening?

I am totally whacked out on truth serum right now.

I am totally whacked out on truth serum right now.

Okay. Okay.

[whispers] Mo, read the cards.

[whispers] Mo, read the cards.

-Okay. -Just--you gonna read ’em.

I don’t need these cards. I gotta be honest, literally.

I don’t need these cards. I gotta be honest, literally.

Mm.

I’m not gonna promise you

that I know how to solve all your problems,

but I’ll tell you one thing, babe,

but I’ll tell you one thing, babe,

I promise you, you will never have to face them alone.

♪♪ warm music ♪♪

♪♪ warm music ♪♪

And all the things that you wanted to do with my butt

that I was too insecure to let you do before, have at it.

that I was too insecure to let you do before, have at it.

No! Really, Mo-Mo?

I’m still gonna be down to have regular sex

I’m still gonna be down to have regular sex

with you, too, in your vagina.

[Dawn] Just remember you said it.

’Cause I wanna do some pretty obscene things to your ass.

’Cause I wanna do some pretty obscene things to your ass.

-Ha! -Okay.

Well, that was beautiful,

yet tonally inconsistent, which is...

yet tonally inconsistent, which is...

It was.

...pretty on brand for us, I’d say,

but for the most part-- you know what?

but for the most part-- you know what?

Actually, if anyone here has any reason

as to why these two should not marry, speak now,

as to why these two should not marry, speak now,

or forever hold your shit in, ’cause we don’t wanna hear it.

[coughs]

Does anyone here have a comment or a reaction

Does anyone here have a comment or a reaction

or a confession that might be admissible in a court of law?

or a confession that might be admissible in a court of law?

Now would be a great time to share that.

-I... -Oh, Jesus Christ!

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

-[phone ringing] -...should take this.

-[phone ringing] -...should take this.

Carry on.

Epstein, baby.

No, I’m not doing shit.

No, I’m not doing shit.

-No, you owe me a steak dinner. -Go on?

Keep going. Keep going!

[Lenny] Well, fuck your mother.

Oh, when did she pass?

Oh, when did she pass?

[Yassir] All right.

Uh, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Uh, I now pronounce you man and wife.

-Kiss the bride. -[both laugh]

-[Blair] Whoo! -Kiss the bride.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Pamela, I love you so much.

-What? -Will you marry me?

-What? -Will you marry me?

Oh, my God. Yes!

Really, Karen? On my fucking day?

Really, Karen? On my fucking day?

Let those lesbos have a moment.

♪♪ Ba-dee-ya say do you remember? ♪♪

♪♪ Ba-dee-ya say do you remember? ♪♪

♪♪ Ba-dee-ya ♪♪

Come on, you gotta go talk to her eventually.

You can’t keep avoiding her.

You can’t keep avoiding her.

After all that crazy shit I said

in front of all these people?

Take it from us.

A fake marriage requires a very real commitment.

I just don’t understand why the truth serum

I just don’t understand why the truth serum

worked so well on you, but not on Lenny.

Well, he’s mostly monkey by now, right?

-Baboon. -Baboon.

-Baboon. -Baboon.

Hey, may I cut in so we can talk for a second?

Oh, hey, babe.

The plan boys and Keith are in the middle

The plan boys and Keith are in the middle

of doing some planning

about this Lenny Leighman situation, so--

Fuck no. You know what? It’s time for my simple-ass

OG plan where Keith confronts Lenny alone

OG plan where Keith confronts Lenny alone

while he’s in the bathroom.

Fuck this. No, your plan failed,

and I’m not gonna go risk my life now because you wanna--

and I’m not gonna go risk my life now because you wanna--

Keith, the plan boys did all the heavy lifting.

Dawn has chipped in.

-You’ve done shit. -Shit.

-You’ve done shit. -Shit.

-[Keith] Shit? -Yeah.

I fucking planned this whole wedding.

-No, you didn’t. -You did what?

Okay, but I should have.

Okay, but I should have.

I mean, this dance floor is crooked,

it’s a cash bar, and we’re almost out of shrimps.

Who the fuck is eating all the goddamn shrimps?

Who the fuck is eating all the goddamn shrimps?

Anita, bitch, I know it’s you.

You got four shrimp on your plate!

Calm down, baby.

Calm down, baby.

For Christ’s sake. Now you, go!

[Dawn] And grab one of those videographers

-to get it all on tape. -[Blair] Good idea.

He could kill me. You realize that?

He could kill me. You realize that?

Yeah, but then we would have him killing you on tape.

-On tape. -Ah!

I--I just--

I--I just--

-[Blair] Give me your phone. -What?

[Blair] I’m calling Mo.

Keep your phone open in your pocket.

You keep this phone open in your pocket,

You keep this phone open in your pocket,

and then if there’s a problem,

just say the word, and we’ll come get you.

-Like a safe word? Okay. -Yeah.

All right. So what if it’s like a--

Punani, non-negotiable.

Punani, non-negotiable.

-She’s the bride! -Punani? No, no, no.

You want me to die sounding like a fucking asshole.

-Well, it’s how you live, baby. -[laughter]

-Well, it’s how you live, baby. -[laughter]

You know what? I don’t wanna do this.

-You wanna be a plan boy? -Yeah, you wanna be a plan boy?

Like, for real?

Like, for real?

You can get jumped in or sexed in.

Think about it.

All right, I’ll fucking do it. Watch me.

All right, I’ll fucking do it. Watch me.

Hey, buddy, come with me. Come on.

[Dawn] Get ready, because we’re about

[Dawn] Get ready, because we’re about

to bust that ass wide open tonight.

What’s wrong with the front, Dawn?

I’ma fuck that too.

I’ma fuck that too.

Now come on in here.

I want you to hide in the kitchen

and don’t stop rolling no matter what.

and don’t stop rolling no matter what.

Keep me in a two shot or a swingle.

Go, go, go, go. Quick. Be quiet.

Go, go, go, go. Quick. Be quiet.

♪♪ tense music ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Ugh! There you are. Are you hiding from me?

No.

It’s not all about you, Dawn, all right?

It’s not all about you, Dawn, all right?

This is my sham wedding day too.

Okay.

So you wanna talk about those vows now?

So you wanna talk about those vows now?

Oh, you mean how my "ay, dios meow" line

killed ’em out there?

No, I mean, you love me.

No, I mean, you love me.

You love me.

Come on, Mo, just admit it. You love me.

Come on, Mo, just admit it. You love me.

I...

-[Yassir] What’s up? -[Mo] Hey, Yassir.

-What’s going on? -Hey, man.

I got a little bit of bad news.

I just spoke to my dealer, and this dumbass

I just spoke to my dealer, and this dumbass

mixed up the pentathol with phosphodiesterase.

Wait, what’s phosphodi--

Wait, what’s phosphodi--

It’s a boner killer.

Yeah, it prevents EF, erectile function.

Why the hell would somebody sell that, Yassir?

Why the hell would somebody sell that, Yassir?

I don’t know!

Why would he sell truth serum?

Dude’s full service, bro.

Dude’s full service, bro.

We’re lucky to have him.

Is it permanent?

What do you care? You just wanna do butt stuff.

What do you care? You just wanna do butt stuff.

[toilet flushes]

Ooh, that--

Mm. Keith.

Mm. Keith.

Lenny, we need to talk.

Oh, we need to talk.

Oh, we need to talk.

Sure, I’ve got some time to kill.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I hope that threat was not too bald.

Mm, I hope you enjoyed your time as a Leighman

Mm, I hope you enjoyed your time as a Leighman

because you know what they say.

"Hair" today, gone tomorrow.

After this, who knows where you’ll "beheaded."

After this, who knows where you’ll "beheaded."

[Keith] I’m sorry, do you have

all those menacing puns, like, preloaded,

’cause I feel like everyone’s coming to the table

with a lot of stuff, and I don’t ever, like, go home

-and think about-- -Yeah, Keith,

I have been dreaming about this moment

ever since, if I had to say, probably back around the time

ever since, if I had to say, probably back around the time

when I watched a wolf gnaw off my penis!

when I watched a wolf gnaw off my penis!

Which I had nothing to do with,

just for the record.

just for the record.

So let me guess, you want revenge.

I feel like I’ve been super upfront about that.

I feel like I’ve been super upfront about that.

So that’s why you killed all those people.

Right?

[laughing] What--what people, Keith?

I have already gotten my revenge

I have already gotten my revenge

by showing up here

and looking like a million freaking dollars.

’Cause as we all know,

’Cause as we all know,

the best revenge is looking good.

So you didn’t kill all those people?

So you didn’t kill all those people?

No.

You’re not the killer?

Keith, the only killer here is my killer bod.

Keith, the only killer here is my killer bod.

-[chuckles, grunts] -[suppressed gunfire]

Fuck! Punani!

Fuck! Punani!

Punani! Punani!

Ha-ha, nice try, Keith,

but I am an immortal,

but I am an immortal,

unkillable fucking god!

[suppressed gunshot]

Punani!

Punani!

Punani! Punani?

-Punani. -Punani?

-Punani! -Punani!

Holy shit.

It’s over. Keith, you did it.

It’s over. Keith, you did it.

Guys, I didn’t do it.

-Who did? -I did.

[all gasping, shrieking]

[Blair] And you are...

[Blair] And you are...

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

I still...

-[gasps] -[all] Corkie!

-I knew it was a girl! -That’s right.

No one ever pays attention to the videographer.

No one ever pays attention to the videographer.

Now let’s see if you can guess who gets to die next.

Now let’s see if you can guess who gets to die next.

[Mo] I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be Blair.

[all speaking at once]

It’s not me.

It was a rhetorical question.

All of you. God bless it.

All of you. God bless it.

You people never shush!

Uh, Corkie, don’t you wanna take us through

Uh, Corkie, don’t you wanna take us through

the how and why of all of this just for funsies?

I thought you’d never ask.

I thought you’d never ask.

After Blair so casually destroyed

my perfect life with Roger,

my perfect life with Roger,

I became somewhat obsessed

with taking from him what he took from me.

with taking from him what he took from me.

All those summers spent at daddy’s NRA-sponsored

Big Guns, Little Nuns Camp really paid off.

Big Guns, Little Nuns Camp really paid off.

Sadly, what didn’t kill Blair made him stronger.

Sadly, what didn’t kill Blair made him stronger.

So then I tried to rig Blair’s

electroshock therapy equipment

to send him to hell,

to send him to hell,

but it ended up taking that devil Dr. Egon instead.

Well, what about your father, Pastor Newell?

Well, what about your father, Pastor Newell?

As the other person who is responsible

for my Roger’s death, Daddy had to go.

for my Roger’s death, Daddy had to go.

When Blair shot him on TV,

I mean, I couldn’t resist life imitating art.

I don’t think it works like that.

I don’t think it works like that.

[Corkie] Then at my father’s funeral,

when you lied to my face

and defended my father’s cruel legacy,

and defended my father’s cruel legacy,

yes, I had to do something.

But that poor, innocent bystander--

-[Corkie] Hey. -Hey!

-[Corkie] Hey. -Hey!

-Hey! -[all] Hey!

No one here said

that this all went down perfectly, okay?

that this all went down perfectly, okay?

I mean, there were definitely some whoopsie-daisies

along the way-sies.

[Blair] No, whoopsie-daisies. I have them all the time.

I killed my dad.

I killed my dad.

-Wait, what? -Oh, Blair.

-Wasn’t it liberating? -And poor Wayne?

[Corkie] That car bomb was meant

for all of you.

for all of you.

But it only killed Wayne.

[lock chirps]

[all shouting]

[all shouting]

Oh, now, I didn’t kill Mrs. Blackmore,

but I have to admit, it killed me to read

that yet another person had died in Blair’s tragic orbit.

that yet another person had died in Blair’s tragic orbit.

[laughter]

And unfortunately, her death did kill my Pfaffashions IPO

And unfortunately, her death did kill my Pfaffashions IPO

and HGTV’s chance of revival,

which is why I killed Larry Leighman.

which is why I killed Larry Leighman.

But why’d you cut his head off?

-And his dick? -[Corkie] Happy accident.

I walked in on him masturbating

I walked in on him masturbating

while choking himself with piano wire, as men do.

-Ugh. -Yeah, autoerotic asphyxiation.

And after I shot him,

And after I shot him,

that last sweet death rattle

caused him to pop and lop his own...

caused him to pop and lop his own...

heads off.

-[all groan] -Oh, God.

-[all groan] -Oh, God.

Tore his dick right off, did he?

That’s right.

He was, like, jerking off in the elevator,

or he was jerking off and then you--

No, I put him in the elevator to scare you.

-Oh. -[both] It worked.

-[all speaking at once] -That was very effective.

And then there’s Tiff.

Suddenly she’s living the life that I was promised.

Suddenly she’s living the life that I was promised.

Smokin’ hot, successful, married to a handsome,

Smokin’ hot, successful, married to a handsome,

-loving yet sexually... -Undemanding?

Yes, undemanding congressmen,

Yes, undemanding congressmen,

but she took it all for granted.

And so, yes, I put her in her place.

-Mm-hmm. -The ground.

-Mm-hmm. -The ground.

Okay, a little misdirect, but I like that.

-[crowd screaming] -[Blair] So, in the end,

it really wasn’t any of their faults.

it really wasn’t any of their faults.

It was truly just mine.

You’re forgetting all the people who made you...

You’re forgetting all the people who made you...

who...you...are.

who...you...are.

[Yassir] Come on, y’all,

help me count down the New Year.

help me count down the New Year.

Let’s ring in the ’90s together, huh?

And now...

[all] Ten...

...the grand finale.

...the grand finale.

[all] ...nine...

-Okay. -I have a question.

We were all together last night.

Why didn’t you just kill us then?

-I had a thing. -Really?

-I had a thing. -Really?

-[Corkie] That’s right. -Ah, schedules are schedules.

[all] ...four...three...

[all] ...four...three...

[Yassir] Now y’all know I had to celebrate this shitty

new decade with my shitty friends.

No! Whatever I did, I’m sorry!

[all cheering]

[all cheering]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

♪♪ dramatic music ♪♪

[gunfire]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

[Yassir] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This fine-ass lady’s the one who’s been doin’ all this?

This fine-ass lady’s the one who’s been doin’ all this?

Yes, told you it’d be a girl.

What’s your name?

Corkie.

Corkie.

What’s the motive, Corkie?

-[Mo] Are you fuck-- -[Blair] Mostly me.

She’s out of her fucking gourd. Are you serious?

I just went over everything already inside.

I just went over everything already inside.

I wasn’t in there for that.

Do you wanna run it from the top?

-[Keith] Just shut up! -I’d rather not.

-[Keith] Just shut up! -I’d rather not.

[all speaking at once]

You guys got to hear the story!

Look, crazy, you were right about one thing.

Look, crazy, you were right about one thing.

No one pays attention to the videographer

or his camera.

or his camera.

That’s right.

We got your whole confession on tape, lady.

-Don’t tell her. -Don’t tell her that.

-Don’t tell her. -Don’t tell her that.

Just like we planned. The plan boys!

[gunshot]

-Oh! -Aww.

You’re a good shot.

Okay. I think this is it, gang.

No. No, no, no.

No. No, no, no.

It’s me you wanna punish, right?

-So--so just let them go. -Yeah.

-So--so just let them go. -Yeah.

I--I keep saying I wanna do something good with my life,

and this would be something good.

and this would be something good.

And without Tiff and Roger, what’s the point of anything?

So...

So...

just have at it, Corks.

I kinda feel like I share some of the blame, you know?

I kinda feel like I share some of the blame, you know?

Oh, you’re fine.

Since I-- the whole Georgina play

and everything just took a hard left.

I’m really sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I guess I’m not a great plan boy.

It’s okay. I love you guys.

Love you too.

You know what?

You know what?

I’m not gonna kill you, Blair.

Oh.

-What? -Not first.

-What? -Not first.

You’re the least sympathetic member

of this cast of characters.

Now, Dawn, on the other hand-- -[gasps]

Now, Dawn, on the other hand-- -[gasps]

-[slow-motion] No! -[gunshot]

[slow-motion] Mo!

[Dawn] Oh, my God! No! No!

[Dawn] Oh, my God! No! No!

What are you doing, Mo?

I told you, I don’t need you to save me.

I told you, I don’t need you to save me.

You’re gonna bring that shit up now?

No, Mo, I’ll never take it back.

No, Mo, I’ll never take it back.

I promise. I love you, Mo-Mo.

We love you!

I would tell you to say your prayers, but with this--

I would tell you to say your prayers, but with this--

[Dawn] Shut the fuck up, bitch!

I am talking to my husband!

Wow, for a group of idiots

Wow, for a group of idiots

who have no respect for anything,

not common sense, decency, or each other,

not common sense, decency, or each other,

I mean, I’m honestly shocked that you all made it this far.

[blade squelching]

[all] Oh!

[all] Oh!

-Oh! -[Dawn] Tiff?

[Yassir] Shit, is that Tiff?

I feel like I should say something cool,

I feel like I should say something cool,

but I just executed my former colleague.

Wait.

Put a Cork in it.

Put a Cork in it.

[laughter]

Tiff, you’re alive!

Totally. Corkie shot the wrong Tiff.

Totally. Corkie shot the wrong Tiff.

What?

[people screaming]

[Tiff] Yes, a brave man named Boy Georgina.

He was a chameleon, but karma got him

He was a chameleon, but karma got him

’cause he looked nothing like me.

-He was incredible husky. -Oh, no.

And after that, police put me in protective custody.

And after that, police put me in protective custody.

They worried if anyone knew I was alive,

even you, I wouldn’t be for long.

But I couldn’t miss Mo’s wedding.

But I couldn’t miss Mo’s wedding.

I mourned you, you know.

-How hard? -So fucking hard.

[both growling]

[both growling]

Someone, call an "ambuh-lance"!

Did you said "ambuh-lance"

in front of all these white people?

The important thing here is...

The important thing here is...

you said you love me.

Oh, God you’re such an asshole.

Oh, God you’re such an asshole.

You said it.

-Damn. -Ugh.

Man, when we get together...

Man, when we get together...

Shit goes down.

-[Mo] Okay? -[Dawn] Okay.

I mean, for real, you’re ready?

I mean, for real, you’re ready?

-For real. Ready. -Okay. No take backs.

No take backs.

Don’t fuck with me on this, Dawn, okay?

We got one shot to get this right.

One chance here.

One chance here.

Otherwise, we risk upsetting the balance of power.

Oh, do you think that I don’t know that?

-Okay. -Huh? I mean, come on.

The window could be closing as we speak.

The window could be closing as we speak.

Exactly, it took a fucking serial killer

and 20 years for the stars to--

-And our egos. -And our egos to align,

and it could be another 20 years until we’re--

and it could be another 20 years until we’re--

Look, fuck! I’m with you.

Okay.

All right. Let’s do this.

-Same time. -Same time.

-Same time. -Same time.

-Okay. -You ready?

-Are you ready? Okay. -Yeah. Okay.

[both] One, two, three.

[both] One, two, three.

What happened right there?

-I fucking knew it. -You pump faked.

-No I didn’t. -You made it look like

-No I didn’t. -You made it look like

you were going to commit and then you--

I didn’t. You did. Your mouth was open.

I watched your lips, you didn’t--

I’m looking dead at your tongue.

It is not forming the proper shape

It is not forming the proper shape

to say the words that you needed to say.

Because I’m looking at your eyes

and your eyes weren’t thinking.

Okay. I pump faked.

That was on me.

That was on me.

-Thank you. -[Mo] Let’s go.

Ready?

[both] One, two, three.

-I love you, Dawn Darcy. -I love you, Mo-Mo Monroe.

-I love you, Dawn Darcy. -I love you, Mo-Mo Monroe.

Oh, my God.

We said it.

We said it.

[Mo] we said it.

[both chuckling]

Uh...

-I knew it. -I knew it too.

You guys enjoy that? Fucking assholes.

You guys enjoy that? Fucking assholes.

-Close the door. -[Dawn] Jesus.

You know what? All right, I’ll get in.

-I’ll go with you. -[Mo] That’s not what I meant.

-I’ll go with you. -[Mo] That’s not what I meant.

No. No, no, no.

[Keith] You know what? She’s right, I need a ride.

My Rolls is busted.

And I’m afraid to be alone.

And I’m afraid to be alone.

So why don’t we all just come together?

-Shotgun! -[laughter]

♪♪ Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Bah-da, bah-da-da-da ♪♪

-Let’s do it. -♪♪ So good to me ♪♪

♪♪ Bah-da, bah-da-da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Bah-da, bah-da-da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Monday mornin’ ♪♪

♪♪ It was all I hoped it would be ♪♪

♪♪ It was all I hoped it would be ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Monday mornin’ ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Monday mornin’ ♪♪

♪♪ Monday mornin’ couldn’t guarantee ♪♪

♪♪ Bah-da, bah-da-da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Bah-da, bah-da-da-da ♪♪

♪♪ That Monday evenin’ ♪♪

♪♪ You would still be here with me ♪♪

♪♪ You would still be here with me ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Can’t trust that day ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Sometimes it just turns out that way ♪♪

♪♪ Sometimes it just turns out that way ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Monday mornin’ ♪♪

♪♪ You gave me no warnin’ of what was to be ♪♪

♪♪ You gave me no warnin’ of what was to be ♪♪

♪♪♪♪♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, Monday, Monday ♪♪

♪♪ How could you leave ♪♪