Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- Christie Brinkley swears by this thing.

She put her whole skin care routine on Instagram.

Oh, and I practiced my audition song

for the first time last night,

and I have to tell you,

I think it sounded better than the original cast recording.

- I'm sure you're going to get a very good part

in the school musical, sir.

- Good part?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm gonna get the best part, Owen.

I'm gonna get the lead.

These kids don't stand a chance.

Okay, keep going. I need a good contour.

- My apologies, sir. That's what I meant.

And what musical are you all putting on?

- We're doing "Oliver!"

I mean, how perfect is that?

- All set, sir.

- Ugh! [skin slaps]

Thanks for nothing, Christie Brinkley.

- I'm so sorry.

I really thought I plugged him in last night.

- Well, you didn't, and now he's dead.

They're going to notice.

- Notice what? He's a fucking sock puppet.

- A scream here, a drool there.

It's the little things.

- It's fine. It's fine.

We just have to get through breakfast.

[door creaks]

"Well, hello, everyone!"

- You're being too obvious.

- [whispers] Relax.

- Morning, Grandpa.

- Hi, baby. Someone sounds chipper.

- See?

[butter knife scrapes]

- Could you be any louder?

[butter knife scrapes loudly] - Yes.

- Philip, you have to eat something.

We have audiences later today.

[thud]

- Speaking of audiences, Mummy,

I was hoping we could have a little audience of our own.

- No. - But Mummy, it would be good--

- Move him.

- So, George, I heard

you're auditioning for "Oliver!" today.

- Ugh. [silverware clatters]

[thud]

- Why are there so many people in our car?

And why does it smell?

- It's not a car, Harry. It's a bus.

And it's not ours. This is public transportation.

- Right. And we're going to?

- [sighs] Work.

We're going to work, Harry, because

HGTV cancelled our show and we need money,

so now, I'm going to my class, and you're--

- Yes, yes. Going to my new job.

And you can't get work acting, so now you're teaching it,

which kind of makes sense and kind of doesn't.

[bus doors hiss]

Well, this is me.

Good luck. - You too.

- Hi, Harry. I'm Robert.

I'm a screenwriter.

And I'm also the shift manager here,

and I'll be training you today.

- I'm very excited!

- Okay, let's just get into it.

What's your favorite drink? We'll make that first.

- I really love tea.

I've always wanted to know how to make it.

Is that too advanced?

- Tea is probably

our most basic drink, other than water.

- I'd love to know how to make that one too.

- You'd love to know how to make water?

- Yes.

Why? Is that like a week two thing?

- I don't even know why I'm auditioning with you guys.

I mean, I'm obviously a lock for Oliver.

I doubt anyone else here is even a tenor.

- I--I mean, we're all tenors.

We're seven.

- Hello, children!

Welcome to auditions.

I'm very excited to be directing

this year's musical.

Now, let's get started.

First up, we have...

Sebastian.

- Uh, excuse me, Miss Kathy?

Yeah, hi. Sorry.

I'm actually on a super tight schedule, everyone,

so I'm just gonna go right now,

if you all don't mind.

Thanks.

- Oh, of course, sir.

We know you're very busy.

- Hi. This is from "Dear Evan Hansen."

It's about a kid who's a real nobody,

like most of you.

Hit it!

["Waving Through a Window" playing]

♪ On the outside, always looking in ♪

♪ Will I ever be more than I've always been ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass ♪

[voice cracks] ♪ Waving through a window ♪

♪ I try to speak, but nobody can hear ♪

♪ So I ♪

[hums with uncertainty]

♪ While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass ♪

[voice cracks] ♪ Waving through a window ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Can anybody see? ♪

♪ Is anybody waving ♪ [music stops]

♪ Back at me? ♪

- That was brilliant, George!

[applause]

- Aw, thank you, guys.

Wow! Standing ovation.

I mean, I was pretty amazing. [chuckles haughtily]

Well, I think you found your Oliver, Miss Kathy.

- I think you're right.

- Everyone else can just be an urchin.

And I'm gonna need an understudy

to cover for me in rehearsals, so...

how about you do that too, Sebastian?

- But, George, you haven't even heard me audition yet.

I was going to sing something from "Spring Awakening."

- Aw, why don't you sing it tomorrow, dear?

I think that was a pretty tough act to follow.

- It was also a tough act to listen to.

- Shh, you're gonna get us both killed.

- It's all right, Greg. It happens.

We've all forgotten to charge him.

Let's fire it up.

- Can I do it this time?

[whirring, zapping]

[powers down]

- [grunting and babbling]

- Well, the good news is, it worked.

- Someone needs to reset the circuit breaker.

- I'll do it.

- oh, Kevin. Thank you.

- Pleasure.

Delighted to help.

[knocks loudly]

- [grunting and babbling]

- Let's get him out.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[music swells]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- Thanks for coming, O.

I'm gonna need all the help I can get

now that I have to carry this fucking show

on my back.

- Of course, sir.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Bad news.

You're actually in my dressing room.

Oh, yeah.

Miss, can you start

moving your kids out of here?

I think there's space in the hallway.

And take all your shit.

[doorknob clicks] Great.

Now that that's taken care of,

let's do a mirror here,

a couch here, and vanity there.

What else?

Oh, let's see. Let's see.

-Oh, maybe get me J. -Lo and Mariah's riders

and just add what they have too.

- I can't take anymore of this, Camilla.

How do I let her know?

How do I let Mummy know that I wanna be king

if I can't even get a word in?

Oh,

I want to be king! I want to be--

[gasps]

You're right.

I'm going into that office

and I'm going to get my audience

whether she likes it or not.

Slap me again.

[sighs] Again.

Harder.

[grunts]

- [raspingly] Oi.

Keep it moving!

- Who's next?

- I am, Mummy. [grunts]

- Don't let him in!

- [panting]

- Oh, hey. I didn't know you were here.

- Hello, Mummy.

- So what can I do for you, Charles?

- Too long have I gone without an answer

to the one question so dear to my heart.

- And what the fuck would that be?

- I, uh...

I just wanted to, uh...

I wanted to know when--

- Well, what is it?

- When you wanted to have dinner this evening.

- Get him out.

- Did you hear her?

Hey, keep it moving, bitch!

Next lad!

- Wow, look at all these people.

You weren't kidding when you said "Suits"

was a global and cultural phenomenon.

- That's not my class. It's an AA meeting.

- Oh. Where's your class?

- Right there. Bye, guys!

Remember, listening is key.

- At least you had people.

- They showed up for marriage counseling,

so I kind of made it that.

How was your first day? - I was fired.

It was so hard,

but they did let me take some expired cake pops home.

Want one?

- Yes.

[ambient music]

♪ ♪

- Is my tea ready? - Almost, sir.

- And you got the manuka honey? - I did, sir.

- And you're stirring it counterclockwise?

- Just like Mariah likes it.

- This tastes like it was stirred clockwise,

but I'll let it go.

I wonder how Sebastian's doing.

Poor thing is probably a ball of nerves.

It's not easy being an understudy,

especially for me.

Oh, I wish you could've seen my audition, O.

"I'll take that Tony, Ben Platt."

[chuckles]

-["Don't Do Sadness/ -Blue Wind" playing]

- ♪ Just winging over things ♪

- Owen, do you hear that? What is that?

- I think it's coming from the auditorium, sir.

- ♪ Nothing going ♪

♪ Going wild in you ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ You're slowing by the riverside ♪

♪ Or floating high and blue ♪

♪ Or maybe cool to be a little ♪

♪ Summer wind ♪

♪ Like once through everything ♪

♪ And then away again ♪

♪ With the taste of dust ♪

♪ In your mouth all day ♪

♪ But no need to know ♪

♪ Like sadness ♪

♪ You just sail away ♪

♪ 'Cause you know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I don't do sadness ♪

♪ Not even a little bit ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Just don't need it in my life ♪

♪ Don't want any part of it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I don't do sadness ♪

♪ Hey, I've done my time ♪

♪ Looking back on it all ♪

♪ Man, it blows my mind ♪

♪ I don't do sadness ♪

♪ So been there ♪

♪ Don't do sadness ♪

♪ Just don't care ♪

- Yay! Whoo-hoo! [applause]

[giggles]

Yeah!

Wow! Yay!

Well done, Sebastian!

Whoo-hoo!

- [gulps loudly]

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[trumpets toot]