Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- I told you,

I'll get you the documents

as soon as there's an opening.

I have to go. I'm walking into breakfast.

Yes, it's a nice spread.

Hi, George. Oh, is that French toast?

- Why? Do I look fat?

I mean, yes.

- Excuse me, I'm late for an appointment.

- I didn't think the pubs were open yet.

- I have a haircut, if you must know.

That's when someone takes scissors and cuts your hair,

in case you forgot.

- God, you're insufferable.

- And you're bald.

- It's like watching "Marriage Story" every morning.

- Don't fill up. Don't you remember?

It's date night.

Well, say something.

- I remembered, dear.

- Oh, I wuv you vewwy much.

- I wuv you vewwy much too.

- Date night?

Well, that sounds like a jolly good time.

- So that means Gan Gan's gone tonight?

- Yes. A jolly good time, Charles.

Fucking dolt.

We're going to The Grill, right handsome?

- For how long, exactly?

- What is up with you?

- The Grill? Why, Camilla and I adore it there.

Oh, it would be so much fun to go with you and Dad.

Can we join?

- No. - Mummy. Mummy. Please!

Oh, Mummy, please! Let us go, Mummy.

It's all I want. Mummy, you must let us come.

- Fine. Shut up. You can come.

God, I am so hot for you, baby.

- I'm...so hot for you too.

♪ ♪

- This just came on the market,

and you're the first to see it, Ms.--

- Uh... Middletin.

- That's so funny.

You look a bit like her too.

But I'm not a royalist. They're so useless.

- Yeah, kind of like real estate agents.

Show me the house I've already seen online.

Oh, wow.

It's smaller than I thought.

I'll let you know.

- Of course, Ms. Middleton.

- Middletin!

It's two completely different names.

♪ ♪

[school bell rings]

- Don't forget, everyone,

science fair projects are due tomorrow.

- Science fair? What?

- Yeah, our projects are due tomorrow.

- Since when?

This is the first I'm fucking hearing about it.

- Since you were in Mustique for a month.

- Well, sorry for enjoying some time off.

Jesus.

I work harder than anyone around here.

Dinesh, I'm not going to maths.

Can you hand in my homework?

- It's blank though. - So fill it out!

- Greg! Greg!

I completely forgot.

Do you know what tonight is?

- Fish and chips Thursday? Yeah.

I mean, I'm excited, but--

- No, no. It's date night.

- Oh, my God. It is!

Guys, it's date night!

[cheering]

- And Charles and Camilla are joining them too!

- Hoorah! - Yay!

- Date...night?

- Yes, Kevin.

When the Queen and Philip have a date night,

there's no family dinner to prepare.

It's the closest thing we have to a holiday.

I'll probably have a pint with the mates later

if you'd like to join.

- Are...we...mates?

- Yeah, of course we're mates, Kevin.

- I was thinking I'd grab a bottle of Whispering Angel

and we can finally start "Game of Thrones."

- Yes! We can see what all the hype's about.

I can't believe we've managed

to avoid every spoiler for 11 years.

- Are you guys talking about GoT?

I still can't believe Bran got the throne.

- God damn it!

- Owen, Cucumbers.

Thank you. It's really been a day.

- Just relax, Your Royal highness.

- I'm so stressed, O. - Why is that, sir?

- I just found out my science fair project is due tomorrow

and I really have to win.

I mean, how would it look if the future King of England

can't even win a science fair?

Not good, Owen. That's how.

- I see, Sir. Do you need help?

- No, but you might.

- Pardon, Sir? - Yeah, well, I mean,

I'm not doing it. Look at me. I'm busy.

I've got fucking cucumbers on my eyes for Christ's sake.

- Understood, Sir.

I'll see what I can put together.

- Put together?

No, no, no. It's got to be great.

I told you I have to win this thing.

Ugh, so much pressure.

I'm getting one of my migraines just thinking about it.

- Not one of your migraines, Sir!

Please, God.

- Just make me a realistic working volcano

with smoke and lava.

You know, all that shit.

- I'll get started right away, Sir.

- Buh, buh, b-b-buh. Wait.

I have 20 minutes left in the mask.

Don't make that face at me.

- Andy, you gotta be kidding me.

I've brought plenty of conflict to the show.

- I'm sorry, Meghan. It's just not working out.

All you talked about all season was your line of ketchup.

And please stop sending me samples.

- I hear you, Andy.

I'll amp it up. I-I'll smash a wine glass.

I'll tell Kyle she has Munchausen syndrome.

I'll accuse Dorit of doing coke.

- Lisa Rinna already did all that.

- All of them?

- Yeah, she's good.

Anyway, I guess we could bring you back as a friend.

- A friend? No, thank you. I'm not that desperate.

- Are you sure?

I mean, that silence definitely says you are, but okay.

Bye. - Wait, wait, wait.

Andy, wait!

Bravo fired me.

Well, not really, but basically.

They only offered me "friend"

of the Housewives for next season.

- Oh, shit. They Vicki Gunvalsoned you.

- How do you even know who-- [grunts]

You know what?

Whatever. I am not a fucking friend.

Fuck that. Those fucking fuckers.

- Fuck.

- And that's his first word.

Great.

- Probably not the best time to tell you

I just lost my last client.

- You only had one client.

- I think my time as a masseur is over.

I guess I broke his neck? Is that a thing?

- Yes! [sighs]

We are screwed.

- Wait, what about your ketchup company?

- That was a dumb idea.

- Then what are we going to do?

Can you get another show?

I mean, not one that you act on, darling.

I know people don't wanna hire you for that anymore, but--

- Well, HGTV did call my agents last week about us,

but at the time I thought we were too good for them.

- We're not, darling.

♪ ♪

- Did you make your collections?

These envelopes feel a little thin.

All right. You can go.

- You just hit me with you hat.

- Let the car know I'll be right down.

- Yes, Your Majesty.

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, Gan Gan. Have fun at The Grill.

Tell Rudolpho George sent you. He'll take care of you.

- Sweetheart, I'm the fucking Queen of England.

- She's such a bad bitch.

[mischievous music]

- I have the documents.

Repeat. I have the documents.

- Charlotte, what were you doing in Gan Gan's office?

- I wasn't in Gan Gan's office.

- I literally just saw you leave.

- You're so funny, George.

Making things up.

- Don't try to gaslight me!

- I think someone needs some fucking glasses.

- Did you-- did you just curse at me?

- I said you need some fun glasses.

Okay? Bye, George.

- Owen comma research Lasik eye surgery full stop.

- Camilla, this was a bold move on your part--

inviting us to their date night.

Ooh, I'm nervous.

Mummy, I want to be king.

Yes. That's what I'll say.

Exactly right, Camilla. She's had her go.

Now it's my turn.

I'm not a little boy any longer.

I don't have to go running whenever she--

[loud knocking] - Charles! Hurry up!

We're leaving!

- Coming, Mummy.

- What do you think, Your Royal Highness?

- I'm not sure.

- But, Sir, look.

- I know I told you I wanted a volcano,

but now I'm thinking--

mm, it's a bit basic.

It seems a little played out, you know?

I was just texting with Sebastian

and he's doing a volcano too.

So, yeah, I just--

I don't see this winning.

- I doubt Sebastian's volcano will be as good as this one.

- Owen,

I'm trying very hard not to slap you.

Now make...something...

that...will win.

[music playing, indistinct chatter]

- Philip, you look so handsome in candlelight.

- Your Majesty, this is the--

- Just shut up and put it down.

Philip and I get this every time.

You have to try it. - Lovely.

As long as there's not any shellfish.

Camilla has-- - I don't know. Just eat it!

- Because if it's shellfish-- - Eat it, you pussies!

See? Delicious.

- Mmm. It is. Scrummy! Mmm.

So...

there's something I must talk with you about, Mummy.

Barely noticeable, darling.

- Whatever it is Charles, make it quick.

I'm exhausted.

You have no idea how much work it is

to be the head of a state, family, and syndicate.

- Syndicate? - It's an expression!

- Then I'll be brief.

Mummy, I want to be--

[liquid rushing]

Well, this was fun.

[exciting instrumental music]

- It's okay that we know the ending.

It's all about the journey. - Totally.

There's still so much we don't know.

- Guys, they're back early. We gotta get up there.

Oh, Ned Stark.

I was so bummed when they cut off his head

at the end of season one.

- Motherfucker!

- Did you hear Camilla threw up

all over the Queen? - Yes.

It's the first thing that's come out of her mouth in years.

[laughter]

- William, I didn't have a hair appointment this morning.

I actually-- - It's fine.

- No. I meant I didn't go--

- I said it's fine.

I don't care.

I'm tired, Kate.

[sighs] Great.

I feel a shit brewing.

- It's Ms. Middletin. I'll take the house.

Middle-tin!

[lively instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[computer beeping]

- And the winner is...

Prince George.

[applause]

- This is it?

That's a fucking particle accelerator.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪