Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[car door closes]

- The whole trip is casual,

so let's just do Gucci, Prada, Tom Brown.

Are you excited to go to the Caribbean, Owen?

- Of course, Your Royal Highness.

- You know, this is gonna be like a vacation

for you, too, O.

I mean, I might ask you for a picture or two for Instagram,

but other than that, you're barely gonna see me,

so bring plenty of books.

- I will, sir.

- You could sound more excited, Jesus.

How many butlers get to go to Mustique?

Not a lot, that's how many.

- I'm very excited, sir. - Do you even tan?

What happens to that skin?

Does it just get blotchy or-- never mind.

Why am I asking him questions?

Hey, O, do I have the legs for this swimsuit?

And don't lie.

- There's nothing you can't wear, sir.

You have a body made for clothes.

- Aw, thanks, O. This is gonna be such a fun trip.

Too bad your wife couldn't make it,

you know, 'cause she's dead and all.

You know what? No. It's better just us anyway.

- I can't believe we get to go to the Caribbean.

- It's a dream.

It's all a wonderful dream, Douglas.

- This is going to be the honeymoon we never had, Greg.

- I know! And I think it's just what we need.

- Oh, do we need something?

I thought we were happy. - We are!

That's not at all what I meant. I'm just saying--

- Do you still find me attractive?

- Come here.

- [sobbing]

Shh.

- I'm being so silly.

♪ ♪

- Excuse me. Yeah, hey.

Are there any of the cashmere Hermès blankets?

This one is cotton, and it's slicing my skin.

- I believe those are the only blankets on board,

Your Royal Highness.

- This plane fucking sucks.

Go. Stop looking at me.

- Sluts.

- Wha-- - Sluts.

- Oh.

- Oi! Nuts!

- Right away, sir.

Can you get me some mixed nuts? - I'm on break.

- [slowly] Mixed nuts.

- Brilliant. Thank you, Kevin.

Are they warm? - Duh.

- So where is it you're from, again, mate?

- Scotland.

- Got it.

- I can't wait to see you in that bikini, darling.

Yes, all anybody is going to be talking about is your figure.

- [coughs] Blech.

[retches]

- Is there anything you need, Your Royal Highness?

- Yeah, an airsick bag.

You having fun back there with your little friends?

I guess this is like Spring Break for you people.

- Just wanted to make sure you have everything you need, sir.

- Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

Remember, this is your vacation, too, Owen,

so just have fun, okay?

Really, don't worry about me.

- That's very kind, sir.

- Actually, O, before you go,

get a pic of me in my seat here.

I'll pretend I'm looking out at the clouds.

[camera shutter clicks] Ugh.

You didn't use portrait mode?

Never mind.

It's fine. It's fine.

Plane photos are passé, anyway.

All I need from you this trip

is one perfect Instagram, O.

Got it?

Now get back in economy.

- So, after we arrive,

do you think we could possibly--

- No. - Well, what about--

- No. - Or even--

- No. - Right.

Well, lovely chatting.

- He's not giving that one a rose?

- Nope.

- But he just fucked her.

♪ ♪

- Welcome, Your Majesty.

- [belches loudly]

Excuse me. Thanks.

[waves crashing]

- Your Majesty. - Yum.

Is there anything more beachy than thick, rare roast beef?

- Camilla in a bikini comes to mind.

- We're eating!

- Has anybody seen Owen?

"Owen, comma, where the fuck are you, question mark,

question mark, question mark."

- [grunting]

- Hello, all. Sorry we're late.

Our flight was delayed-- you know, JetBlue.

- We don't know. Gross.

- It was Mint, though. Tell them, we were in Mint.

- Oh, they gave you a mint. How lovely for you.

I have some gum in my purse if you'd like.

- No, we were in Mint.

It's like their business class. It's really nice.

They give you these cookies and--

- Meghan, I'm begging you to stop now.

- And then people kept wanting to get a picture.

You know, because I'm on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."

So a lot of people coming up to us.

- Uh-huh.

- There was something you needed, Your Royal Highness?

- Yeah, my fucking butler.

I'm sitting here cutting my own meat like an animal.

Ugh, not now, not now.

- Do you want a picture here, sir?

I'll do it in portrait mode this time.

- Do I want a picture of me eating roast beef?

No, you idiot. Later.

- Children, would you like to go play in the sand?

- Wait, are you- are you talking to me?

Is she talking to me?

- Go play with them, William. - You play with them.

- Oh, and I brought some of my homemade ketchup.

I'm coming out with a line of condiments--

ketchups, mustards, that sort of thing.

- We're really taking LA by storm.

- Yeah, and the show has been a great platform

to help me promote my brand.

- It's already a brand. It's called Heinz.

- Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

There, good as new.

- All it would take is one giant wave.

- I was thinking the same thing.

You okay, Kevin?

- Water.

Beautiful.

- Careful, you're starting to burn.

- Isn't he always that color?

- Watch and learn here. [grunting]

On the head. Off the-- On the--bing, bang!

Oi, Georgie! Football!

- No, I don't want to. Get away from me with that.

- Ready? Ready? Ready? Go on. To me!

- I said knock it off with that.

- Yes, I told you. I'm working on it.

Hi, George.

- Hey. Why do you have two cell phones?

- It's a toy for little girls. See?

- Okay, whatever. [camera shutter clicks]

Great. You ruined it.

Oof! I said knock it off!

- Look, we have to be careful.

George is starting to get suspicious.

I don't know! I guess he's not as fucking dumb as he looks.

Oh, the weather has been great. Thanks, yeah.

- So all you'd have to do is Instagram yourselves

using my ketchup-- it'd be a huge help.

- I see.

Well, that's something we'll definitely think about.

- Who's that? - That's your nephew, Archie.

- You're pulling my leg. Why have we not met before?

- You've met him, like, a thousand times.

So are you gonna do the fucking Instagram or not?

- Is the pressure okay? - It's great.

- Great.

So what do you do for work?

- I really don't want to talk, if that's okay.

- Right.

I just figured since it's a beach massage.

- Camilla, are you going to take that robe off

and show Mummy your figure?

Yes, darling.

Mummy, doesn't Camilla look like a Victoria's Secret model?

- If Victoria's secret is that she's an old cow, then, yes.

- [laughs]

- That's not-- That's not her secret.

We might need to start feeding these people more.

- When did "Vanity Fair" become such a piece of shit?

You know, you don't have to stand there

with that umbrella, O.

You can go for a swim or something. I'm good.

- But then you would get sunburned, sir.

- Oh, no, it's fine. I only get golden brown.

I don't have the complexion of a 65-year-old alcoholic

who's been outside twice.

- If you're absolutely certain, sir.

Water does look nice, sir.

I've never been in the ocean.

I'm not quite sure I even know how to swim.

- Really? Aw, that stinks.

In that case, you can take more pictures of me.

I really need a good one for Instagram.

If no one knows I went to Mustique, it's like,

why did I even go, you know?

- Absolutely, sir. - Oh, get a few of me here.

[camera shutter clicking]

Ugh. None of these are usable.

Do it again.

Well, it would be nice if you gave me a little direction.

What do I do? Where do I move? Hello!

- Of course, sir. Uh, turn this way.

- Sunglasses on or off?

- Let's try it with them on, sir.

- Mom, tell Louis stop.

- [crunching]

- Pringle? - No.

- [crunching]

- I'm making it official. I hate him.

- So are we still considering this our honeymoon?

- Once of Prince Philip's balls

got caught in the bathtub drain!

I need someone right now!

- No.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

- So, yeah, we're hoping

the ketchups and mustards are gonna be sold

at Whole Foods, which, you know, would be huge.

Oh, and they're all organic, in case anyone was wondering.

- We weren't. - [laughs]

- That's two today.

How are your balls? Good.

- Ow.

Sorry.

Ow. Ow.

- Oh, Harry, I just found out you had a son.

Congratulations, old man.

- Daughter, but thank you.

- Son, and you didn't just find out.

[sighs] Is it me? - No.

- Anyway, I was saying I had a sunburn.

Ow. That's why I look like a monster.

Oh, sorry. Not that you look like a monster.

Oh, God, I never know what to say to him.

- Just a heads-up--

Camilla had a bit of a mishap earlier today.

They all understand, darling.

There might be some unfortunately,

well, racy photos appearing online later.

Oh, and if anyone found a bikini top in the water,

it belongs to Camilla.

- I thought that was two fishing nets.

Sorry.

- I knew it was a boy. I just forgot.

- Please just let me be annoyed.

♪ ♪

- There's barely anything to work with here.

They're all fucking blurry. Do you have tremors?

- I apologize, Your Royal Highness.

I am a very poor photographer.

- Yeah, you are.

Does my face look as bad as I think, O?

- Not at all.

Why, I think it makes you look rugged, sir.

- Like Chris Hemsworth? - Sure.

- Thanks, O.

I know you wouldn't say it if you didn't mean it.

Help me get ready for bed.

Ow.

- I'm sorry you didn't get

your perfect vacation Instagram, sir.

- Oh, I just posted something.

- Oh, I'm in that.

- Yeah, it's cute. It's very us.

- Very us, sir.

- Ooh, it's doing well.

Dame Kelly Ripa already liked it.

- Well, good night, sir.

- Would you stay until I fall asleep?

- Of course.

Sir, I think you forgot to tag me?

- I didn't.