Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

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[choir vocalizing]

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- Tonight, there was a royal throwdown

between the Queen of England

and the Queen of QVC herself,

Lisa Rinna.

So, Lisa, where did you leave it with the Queen?

Are you banned from England? - No.

The queen and I are totally fine.

We talked it over,

and it was honestly just a misunderstanding.

We're getting tea next week.

- All right. Good to hear.

Meghan, you seem pretty angry with Dorit

over her behavior with the Queen's guards.

- I just thought it was completely inappropriate

and I just think if you're gonna pretend

to have a British accent,

maybe you can pretend to know the British customs too.

[audience oohing]

- Okay, we're gonna go to the phones.

Caller, what's your question?

- Hey, Andy, big fan. - Aww, thanks.

- I love everything you do, and I've been watching you

since I was three and I-- - Thanks, caller.

What's your question? - Sorry.

My question is for Meghan.

Meghan, besides "Holder of Briefcase 24"

on "Deal or No Deal,"

what do you think your most impactful role was?

- Is this George?

- I thought I made my voice

sound different enough when I called in, but nuh-uh.

- It was a very good effort, your Royal Highness.

- Thanks, O.

Ooh, put in my diary that I have a microcurrent facial

with Joanna Vargas at 5:00 Monday.

- Sir, I believe you have the Queen's charity event

for Gorgensteins then.

- With the fuck is Gorgensteins?

I've never even heard of that.

- I'm not actually sure myself, sir.

- Ugh. So what am I wearing

to this event I just found out about?

- I took the liberty of setting something aside, sir.

- Ooh. Who would have fucking guessed?

A Peter Pan collared shirt with blue shorts.

The same outfit you suggest every event.

- I think you look very nice in this outfit, sir.

- You know, maybe it's my fault,

taking fashion advice from someone

who's worn the same uniform every day for 55 years.

- It's practical, sir.

- You know, I have a uniform too,

but I accessorize it.

I wore a scarf with it just the other day.

Burberry tartan will never go out of style.

But you wouldn't know anything about that.

- I feel very inadequate. I am very stupid, sir.

- O, O! It's all right.

Don't cry. Jesus.

I'm just stressed, okay? Give yourself a hug for me.

Go on. Do it.

Did my hug make you feel better?

Good. Now, I don't want to look nice.

I want to look iconic. I need a stylist.

Who dresses Kaley Cuoco?

She always looks cute and fresh.

- I don't know who that is, sir.

- You don't know who anyone is.

Brad Goreski styles her. I'm gonna DM him.

I don't blame you, Owen. You just don't know any better.

Give yourself a little playful punch on the shoulder.

There you go.

- I'll get you the documents,

but I'm going to need more time.

Hi, George.

- What--were you just-- never mind.

- [groaning]

Spot me, boy. Spot me, son.

Georgie. [huffing]

Georgie.

Get 'ere, now.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, who do you have to fuck to get a mimosa around here?

- I apologize, your Royal Highness.

Right away. - [babbling]

- Make it two, Mary.

- I'll have another as well.

- Maybe just orange juice for Kate.

- Maybe just champagne.

- Yay, yay, yay, yay.

- A little buzzy buzzy for my good boy, hmm?

- Mummy, Camilla had a smashing idea.

Yes, darling. We decided.

She's going to cohost the Gorgensteins charity event

with you, Mummy. - She couldn't cohost a shit.

- That's hilarious, Gan Gan.

I-I don't really get it, but it's still hilarious.

- Get him a bib, you half-wit.

- Mummy and Camilla! Camilla and Mummy!

You two are going to smash it.

- The only thing I'm gonna smash right now

is your thick head.

And what the bloody hell is Gorgensteins?

- It's that disease, right?

- I thought it was a type of plant.

- Could it be both?

- I'm warning you all right now, though,

Camilla is an amazing speaker,

and she has a barnburner of a speech

all locked and loaded.

Care to give us a little sneak preview, Camilla?

Ooh, she's saving it all for the big night.

- Yeah, I don't really get her appeal yet, to be honest.

- Can you stop with the fucking gum?

- All right, I know we've been short staffed lately,

so I think you'll be excited to hear

I'm interviewing a young lad later today.

Please make him feel at home

as he'll most likely die here along with the rest of us.

- I hope the new guy's hot. - Stop.

You think? He could be our third.

- I thought we were just joking about that.

- Oh, yeah. We totally were.

I was just doing a joke off of that.

- Oh.

Look, if you're bored-- - I'm not!

- So here's the deal, Brad.

I have a big charity event this Monday for Gorgensteins.

You're familiar?

- Of course, so sad.

- Right.

So I wanna look chic,

but I don't wanna look like I'm trying too hard.

What's on trend right now? What do you love?

- Well, I love what Balmain is doing

with their summer collection, Balenciaga sneakers.

I think crossbody bags are-- - Stop right there.

I love everything you're saying.

I think we're gonna be best friends.

See, Owen? Brad gets fashion

like I get fashion.

What do you think of Burberry tartan?

- Oh, God, it's so tired.

- [laughs] Totally.

[knock at door]

- Ah, you must be here for the job interview.

Well, come in. Come in, sit.

So we're looking for a rock star--

an all-round team player with a high degree

of coordination, mental fortitude,

and, most importantly, thick skin.

Turnover can be high,

but if you can get through the first couple of years,

it's the best job in the world.

- Hey, Philip shit all over the stairs again.

I'd go up, but I'm on break.

- Exciting stuff happening all the time here.

Let's see your CV.

Hmm.

Not much hospitality experience,

and I don't see a name on here.

I think this is just a napkin.

- Keebeen.

- I...

I don't know what that means.

Is that your name?

- Keeebeeen.

- Kevin? Your name's Kevin?

- Keebeen.

- Kevin, you're hired.

And if you have any friends who you think might be up

to the task, let us know. Or any family.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- No...family.

[flames crackling, faint shrieking]

- All right, lad. Here's an apron

and a shit bucket. Welcome aboard.

- This seems so boring. Too safe.

Ugh, and it feels cheap.

- It's Armani. - Armani Exchange?

- Armani. But I totally get it.

Don't worry.

Why don't we try the next look?

I have a feeling you love it.

- [sighs] Fine.

None of these outfits are even worth doing a montage.

- You look amazing, and it's definitely not boring.

- I look like a chubby little Lorax.

- No way. I think you look great,

and it really brings out your eyes.

- I look like I should be directing air traffic

at Heathrow.

- Are there a lot more of these?

- Just the two.

Why would you even fucking suggest this?

- But you asked for this suit to be shipped from Milan.

- Yeah, well, I didn't ask for your attitude.

Does that come complementary with your shit service?

Owen, see this man out.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Goreski. - It's all right.

I used to dress Anne Hathaway.

- Thank you for all you're doing with Gorgensteins.

- No, thank you.

We couldn't do it without your help.

- We met at last year's garden party.

Do you remember me? Patsy.

- Yes, of course! Patsy.

I saw you the second you walked in

and I said, "There's dear Patsy."

Kill me.

- You never should have told me to get a stylist, Owen.

Brad stunk. - I apologize, sir.

- Stop trying to change me.

I'm iconic. I always have been.

Right? - Quite right, sir.

- I'll take one of those.

Ugh. Never mind.

Does he have Gorgensteins?

- Everyone, everyone, gather round.

As you all know, my two favorite girls

put together this brilliant event for Gorgensteins.

Mummy, you're always talking about charity.

Why, I remember you mentioning it the first time we met.

I was seven, I believe, and you looked at me and said,

"Who is this charity case?"

So inspiring. Now to the main event.

Camilla has a little speech prepared

that's going to knock your socks off.

Come on, darling. You can do it.

Sugar cube?

There we go.

[microphone feedback whining]

[thunder crashes]

[all exclaiming]

- [groans]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Now that we're finally alone, William, we need to talk.

- About what? - Us.

I'm not sure if you don't care about me

or if it's that you don't care about anything at all.

- That's not fair.

- I don't know when you stopped trying,

but it's like you're on autopilot.

- That's not fair. - See?

I can't take it any longer!

Smash a vase.

- You're being unreasonable.

Stomp your foot.

- And I'm trapped in monotony.

Charity event today, an award ceremony tomorrow.

Fund-raisers, dinners, over and over and over.

I can't live like this.

I married you because I loved you,

and now I'm not sure I love anything at all.

I'm unhappy, William.

- Who isn't?

- Scream.

- [shrieking]

- Get ahold of yourself.

[gasps] How dare you.

I'll sleep in the guest palace tonight.

Slam the door behind me.

- Shall I cry, Ma'am? - Oh, no, thank you.

I'll do it myself.

[door opens and shuts]

[crying]

[thunder crashes]

I have got to get out of here.

[dramatic orchestral music]

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