Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

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- Can you hand me my iced mocha, Owen?

- Of course, Your Royal Highness.

- Uh, shake it.

Jesus.

They made it wrong today.

Was it the guy with the lightning bolt tattoo

across his face again?

- I believe so.

- I told you to have them make it again if he makes it.

And, also, how about if you've got a lightning bolt tattoo

across your face, don't be a fucking barista?

Am I right, O? - Course you are, sir.

- [mockingly] Of course you are, sir.

That's what you sound like.

Holy shit, O, listen to this.

"Meghan Markle to join the 11th season

of 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.'"

She doesn't even live in Beverly Hills.

She lives off Fairfax,

and that's like the least of it.

A reality show? Can you imagine, O?

Oh, so thirsty for any kind of attention.

I would die before I would be on her reality show.

I don't care how many times they ask me to star in it.

I mean, kill me now, am I right, O?

- Yes.

Kill me now.

- And what are you doing to my hair, Owen?

I told you I wanted to look like Chris Hemsworth

not Kris Jenner.

- It looks very smart, sir.

Why, you look even more handsome than Chris Hemsworth.

- Really?

Aw, thanks, O.

I fucking love you today.

Hug?

[dramatic choral music]

- Just follow my lead, Harry.

I've been on TV for years, so I'm kind of a pro.

- Yes, the very famous show "Suits."

- Yeah.

And everyone does reality TV now,

so don't worry about this being a step down for me

because it's not.

- I wasn't until you just said it.

- Plus, it's a really good platform to promote my brand.

- What is your brand?

- Oh, I don't know.

I'll think of some piece of crap.

Let's just start filming.

- We've been filming. - Oh, fuck.

Okay, just be natural.

Whatever you would normally say, but make sure

you ask me about my lunch with the girls yesterday.

Specifically Dorit.

- Hello, Meghan.

How was your lunch with the girls yesterday?

Specifically Delete?

- Dorit. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm just not feeling her, I guess.

But I hope we can move forward.

- Well, I'm gonna go give a massage

to someone I met at Costco.

- Oh, right.

That's your job.

And I'm gonna have a drink with Lisa Rinna

and Erika Jayne to talk about why I wasn't feeling Dorit

at lunch yesterday and how I hope we can move forward.

- Is it my line now?

- No, it's not anybody's line.

It's reality, Harry.

- Got it. So whose baby is that?

- This is our baby, Harry.

- Oh.

Hello, you.

All right, well, I'm off to... Echo Park.

Sounds posh.

Was that okay?

- Maybe let's just do the whole thing again.

♪ ♪

- Don't you just love Meghan? - Oh, she's great.

It's so refreshing to meet someone who's actually sweet.

It's like, thank you, God.

People are so awful now.

- I know.

People need to be kinder to each other.

- Excuse me, I'm visiting from the Midwest,

and can I get a photo?

- No, you can't get a photo.

We're filming a goddamn show.

- Yeah, get the fuck out of here, Ohio.

- Oh, my God, you look gorgeous.

- You look fabulous.

- Hey, Meghan.

- I love what you're wearing, Erika.

- And your whole look is so cute.

- Thanks. Zara.

So... I have an idea.

I was thinking of maybe hosting a little group trip.

- We love a trip!

- What would you think of about going to London

to visit my in-laws?

They have a ton of guest rooms.

- Uh, at Buckingham Palace?

Yes, please.

- And I promise we will be nothing

but refined and gracious.

You need to get this woman the fuck away from me.

[loud fart]

- Camilla, knock off the farting.

- She's sorry, Mummy,

Something must have upset her tummy.

I love your farts, darling.

- So Meghan texted me to a-- oh, Jesus,

I can smell it all the way over here, Camilla--

to ask if she could film her show here.

I'd die of embarrassment if I were on that show.

Could you imagine?

I mean, I told her yes but, like, I don't want to be on it.

I can't think of anything worse.

Excuse me, do you have any tea that doesn't take like piss?

Thanks.

I mean, I'll probably have to be on it a little.

You know, I am her nephew,

and Bravo is always looking for new Bravolebrity to pop.

Anyway, whatever.

It's gonna suck.

Ooh, that's hilarious, Ganpa.

Bravo loves a pratfall.

Very LuAnn in the bushes.

Yeah. You'll be good on the show.

- You guys! You guys!

They're going to be filming

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" here.

- No way, dude.

- We're going to be on TV, bitches.

- This is a dream, Douglas.

- I know. [gasps]

We could be a spin-off, Greg.

They love gay people in the States.

- A spin-off! - Totally.

And they're going to be so much nicer to serve.

They're Americans.

They're friendly and down-to-earth.

- They'll probably treat us like we're one of them.

- Yes, finally.

There's no class system in America.

We'll become friends.

They might invite us for dinner.

- It's going to be heaven. Sheer heaven!

- We'll be laughing and joking and having fun.

It'll be like we're not working at all.

[all cheering]

- I wonder if I could fuck one of them.

Yeah, I'm gonna fuck one of them.

- Oh, my God, the guys with the hats.

Look, girls. The guys with hats.

- All right, calm down. - Oh, my God, Kyle, look.

They're so adorable.

Let's see if we can make one smile.

- Fuck off.

No way you get me--

[laughs] - Oh, shit. You smiled.

- Please don't tell.

- You're not supposed to tickle them, Dorit.

- Okay, Meghan, relax.

I didn't know there were rules.

- Of course there are rules. That's their whole thing.

This is how she was with me at lunch. I can't.

- This is cool and all, but, honestly,

Turks and Caicos would've been more fun.

- Yeah, is there even a pool here?

- [grunting]

- Why did you bring that with you again, Harry?

- You know, in case someone wants a massage.

I'll do a few out calls. Make some pin money.

- Auntie Meghan, hello!

Oh, I've missed you.

- Uh...hi.

- I heard you weren't getting along with Dorit.

I feel terrible. - What?

Where did you hear that?

- Come, come inside, everyone.

I am so thrilled

to be cohosting this trip with Meghan.

Hey, Lisa,

we know each other from Instagram.

- Do we? - We do.

- I don't remember. - Well, we do.

I'm George, by the way.

Love the show.

Just tell me if you want me

to do anything again.

I'm great at improv.

- Hello. Welcome to Buckingham Palace.

May I take your bag?

- Yeah, you can take my fucking bags.

What am I gonna do, take them myself?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I just-- - I don't care.

- I might have misjudged this.

♪ ♪

- Girls, this is like that villa

we stayed at in France.

- Um, it's not, Kyle, but okay.

Charlotte, get out of here.

Get out of here.

Sorry. Nobody.

Anyway, Meghan, you were saying Dorit's such a what?

- What? No, I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything, Dorit.

- Well, I heard it somewhere.

- She hates Delete.

- You need to knock it off

and you're hitting everyone with that table.

- Did you--did you see what I did?

I just stirred the pot.

Well, you'll tell me if you want me to do anything again.

So, yeah, I think it's going well.

I mean, I had this really funny bit with Lisa Rinna

that I'm sure they'll keep in.

I'm just keeping it real, though.

That's what works.

Pushing doesn't work, Owen. That's not what they want.

Andy gets mad when you push.

- I'm sure you're extraordinarily charming.

And you're very telegenic.

- Is not--is that coming from Bravo?

What did you hear?

- No. Is just coming from me, sir.

- I don't care about you.

I can't get a read on this producer at all,

but I guess they only say something

if you're not doing a great job, right?

More powder. I'll tell you when to stop.

Ugh, do I even look handsome?

- Of source you do, sir.

- Well, say that!

♪ ♪

- Meghan, your friends are so interesting.

And I thought everyone in L.A. was just a vapid alcoholic.

- No, that's just you.

- There's enough liquor in the world

to make you tolerable.

- You have a lovely home. - Yes.

It's Buckingham Palace, you fucking idiot.

What a stupid thing to say. Who are these people?

- Jesus. - These are my girlfriends.

- Your girlfriends? What are you, in high school?

Camilla, stop slurping.

- She's sorry, Mummy. She knows she slurps.

We've talked about it. She's seeing someone.

- The camera loves you, darling.

- I think you're fucking fabulous, by the way.

- Oh, thank you, baby doll. - I could be a friend.

Just putting it out there.

You know, like "friend of Erika" when they show me.

Talk to the producers. See what they say.

I'm in L.A. a lot.

- Oh, where do you stay? - I stay in the--

I don't--stop grilling me, Teddy.

And why are you here?

Weren't you fired?

I swear, I'm in L.A. all the time.

And if I really pull my weight, who knows?

Maybe I get to hold a diamond next season.

You'll talk with Andy.

- So I'm curious.

What do you guys think about Brexit?

- You think we care?

You, Mary, I don't like this.

- Of course, Your Royal Highness.

I'll have something else prepared for you.

- I don't like mine either.

- Yeah, no one's inviting us to dinner.

- That's not cool, Dorit.

- She did it.

- You know, I've had enough of you.

First that thing at lunch, and now this?

- What happened at lunch?

- Shouldn't you know?

- I thought we were moving forward, Meghan.

- Well, we're not.

- Yeah, she hates you, Dorit.

- Hates.

- Okay, enough!

- Do you see what a pot-stirrer I am?

Tell that producer I know how to bring it.

Oh, and I have no filter.

- Can I keep this?

- Uh, it's like solid gold

from the 1500s, but sure.

- Sorry, I've got an out call in Shoreditch at 9:00.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry. Can someone call me a cab?

- He seems to be doing well.

- What the fuck is going on with Harry?

- How dare you talk about Harry?

- I'll say whatever I want, bitch.

You're in my house now.

- I like her. - She's good, right?

- Come on. You want a piece of me?

- I will fuck you up, girly!

- Uh, I feel like the focus is starting to shift off of me.

Maybe in editing you'll fix it?

- Let me go. Let me go!

- She's not worth it.

- Let her go! I can take her!

Come on, you want to talk about my husband, lady?

- Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, she's not talking about Harry Hamlin.

That is such a trigger for her.

This is good stuff though.

I mean, this is the trailer, am I right?

He doesn't say much, does he?

Well, I'm definitely in the show if I'm in the trailer.

- Dad, do you have any cash for a cab?

- Oh look, Grandma's on the money.

I never noticed that before.

- Yeah, can we do this whole dinner again?

- Let me at her!

♪ ♪

- Yeah, I'm in the show.

[both grunting]

- Is this when we get our spin-off?

- All right, shut up.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪