Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[bell rings]

- Hi, Sebastian.

Whoa. You look tired.

- I am.

George was texting me all night

about the guest list for his playdate.

I was up till 9:00 p.m.

Where were you? You left me.

- I'm so sorry, Sebastian.

I wanted to watch "Paddington 2" with my parents,

so I told George I couldn't text

because it was a "prayer night."

He still thinks I'm Muslim.

I'm making the rules up as I go along.

- That's smart.

We all need time off.

How was "Paddington 2"?

- Excellent. [giggles]

Shh! Shh! Here he comes.

[lively classical music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, God. I feel sick.

- Hi, George! Aw, looking good!

- Hi, George. - Hey, guys.

Sebastian, you look like shit.

Everyone excited?

Today's the big day.

Playdate at George's house.

- Absolutely. I can't wait.

- Everyone's talking about it.

The event of the season. - I know, I know.

It's going to be amazing.

Good luck throwing a party after this.

I can't imagine having to follow it up.

Social suicide.

Oh, by the way, Sebastian, I can't make it

to your birthday party next weekend.

- Hi, George.

- Hey...

Ree...

- Amelia.

- Re-Amelia. Of course.

Your name is Reamelia now.

- What time should I come over today?

- Come over? Um... [laughs]

What do you mean, "Come over"?

[whispering] Is she on the list?

Oh, the playdate.

Ugh, I completely forgot.

Ah, I guess come by my place at 3:00?

Super casual.

Oh, it's the big palace in the middle of the park.

You can't miss it. [chuckles]

I like her, Reamelia.

Weird name though.

- Hi, George!

- Uh, yeah, hey, Charlotte.

Don't quite know why you're shouting.

- I'm excited for your playdate!

- Did you get an invite? - No.

- Well, I would get a little less excited then.

Oh, excuse me, dear, I have to take this.

Owen, comma, under no circumstance

is Charlotte allowed to attend my playdate, full stop.

Also, comma, did you pick up

my refill of Propecia, question mark?

[phone chirps] Ooh, what's this?

"Meghan Markle just posted a photo."

"Running lines with my love.

♪workingactor, ♪LAlife, #setlife."

Ugh, she's not even on a set.

That's it, I'm muting her.

- "Excuse me, miss. Where are the bowties?"

- "Back wall, aisle three."

- I feel like you're making a meal out of it.

Young Sheldon's just trying to buy a bowtie.

Let's just take it from the top,

but this time, a little less.

"Excuse me, miss. Where are the bowties?"

- "Back wall, aisle three."

- I don't even think they need this scene.

They could just cut to Sheldon with the bowties.

- [sighs] This sucks.

On "Suits," I was a series regular.

I was Rachel Zane, attorney at law.

- Wasn't she a paralegal the first six seasons?

- Ugh, I don't know.

Anyway, how's your job search going?

- Oh, you were serious about that?

- Yes! We need jobs!

- Okay, okay, well,

there is one thing I always wanted to do,

but I don't know.

- Aw, you can tell me, Harry.

- It's silly. You'll laugh.

- I promise I won't.

- I want to be

a massage therapist.

- [snorts, chuckles]

[clears throat] What?

- I know, it's a moon shot.

A crazy dream.

I've always been afraid I couldn't do it.

That I wasn't cut out for it.

But I always wanted to heal with my hands.

- A massage therapist?

- You never had a dream when you were a child

to be something everyone else said was impossible?

Like an astronaut or prime minister or masseur?

- [sighs] I wanted to be a princess.

- Oh.

Well, you kinda fucked that up.

♪ ♪

- [inhales]

- Don't you dare sneeze, Camilla.

Don't you do it.

- Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Mummy! Mummy!

Watch me! Watch me!

Are you watching?

[grunts]

[muttering] At least she didn't see.

- I saw. Loser.

"Woman, 63, becomes pregnant in the mouth

with baby squid after eating calamari."

See, this is the journalism that matters.

- [mumbling]

- Yes, don't worry. I'll show you the pictures.

- Little early for a fourth glass, don't you think?

- Why don't you go hit another ball

through a fucking loop?

- Fair.

- [sneezes]

- It was me, Mummy. I sneezed. Not Camilla.

Ah-choo! Oh, there I go again.

- I'm watching you, Camilla.

You hear me?

I'm watching all of you fuckers!

- [mumbling laughter]

- Oh, yes, you like the pictures, don't you?

[upbeat dance music playing]

- Hello, dear. Name?

- Amelia.

- Amelia, Amelia.

Sorry, I'm not seeing it.

I have a Reamelia, just not an Amelia.

- Oh, I forgot. I'm Reamelia.

- Hello, Miss Charlotte. - Hi.

- I'm so sorry, I'm afraid I don't have you on the list.

- Oh.

- Hold on.

Let me see if there's a way

I can sort this out.

- Owen, so help me God.

- Sorry, Miss. [phone rings]

- Excuse me.

I'm making progress.

Do not call this number again.

Hi, I'm Charlotte!

- So I don't know, I don't know.

Can the Labour party take it back?

I guess, but Corbyn really put them in a hole.

Anyway, everyone enjoying themselves?

Everyone have a drink?

You? You? You're good with juice?

Are--are you sure?

No, no, it's no problem at all.

Hey, hey! Get the fuck over here.

She wants more juice.

Martinelli's sparkling, right?

I'll take a Georgetini.

And get Owen over here. - Right away, sir.

- All right, guys, well, don't let me keep you.

Have a great time!

- I'm having so much fun, PG.

- Owen, Owen, did you hear that?

One of them just called me PG.

Is that my new nickname?

- I believe it is, Your Royal Highness.

- [chuckles] Oh, I have a nickname.

So remind me again,

where are we now in our schedule?

- Right now it's mocktails and coloring hour, sir.

- Classic playdate activities.

You know, not everyone's cut out for hosting.

The trick is making people feel like

they're completely at home.

- George, may I use the bathroom?

- Yeah, there's a porta-potty in the driveway.

And it's for pee-pee only!

Fuckin' animals.

- Quick, does anyone know what a Georgetini is?

- A Georgetini?

- Yes, Prince George just asked for one.

Oh, my God, did he just make it up?

Did I make it up?

I don't know anymore.

- Hey, hey, it's going to be okay.

Remember the breathing meditations we started doing?

- That's not helping now, Greg.

- Prince Philip bit me!

- Bloody hell, not again.

Ooh, that looks deep. Get the medic!

- I'm on break, bruh.

- You know, O, I think this playdate

is a big success.

- Oh, certainly, sir.

I haven't had this much fun since--

- Okay, well, of course it's more fun

than whatever life event you were about to reference.

Your life's a low bar.

Sebastian, Dinesh. What's it look like out there?

What are people saying? Tell me everything.

- Everyone is having the best time.

- Yeah, and I've heard some people say

it's even better than "Paddington 2."

- Ooh, and that was really good.

Perfect.

So everyone's here,

and everyone's having a great time.

- Yes, well, almost everyone.

- Almost?

- I--I mean, yay! - Who's not here?

- Oh, just one person. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

- Who didn't show up to my playdate, Sebastian?

- Olivia Rogers!

Olivia Rogers! [sobs]

- Olivia Rogers?

I don't even know who that is. Some nobody.

Why didn't she show up to George's playdate?

Owen, Owen, I need you!

- I'm right here, sir.

- I don't understand. why wouldn't she come?

Does she hate me? No! Who could possibly hate me?

Everyone loves me. I'm PG!

This is the hottest event of the year, right?

Right, O? - Yes, of course.

Why, even Charlotte couldn't get in.

- That's right, thank you.

She couldn't even get in.

You know whose fault this is? - Um...

- You should have made sure everyone was in attendance.

I had to hear it on the street.

The fact that she was even on the list, some nothing,

and then to have the audacity to not show up?

Oh, she'll show up all right.

You get here her right now, Owen.

You handle this.

I've gotta be calm.

I've got guests.

- Excuse me, where's the--

- The porta-potty's in the driveway!

♪ ♪

- I got the job!

I'm gonna be the first masseur

from the royal family.

Thanks for all your help, darling.

- Okay, well, I actually didn't do anything,

but I'm glad you have a job.

- Yeah, well, it's technically not a job.

Don't know where you heard that.

- Well, from you. Like, a second ago.

- I'm actually just Pham's intern for now,

but not everybody gets that.

Like, there was another guy in there.

- He didn't get it?

- No, we're both Pham's interns.

So how was your audition?

- [sighs] Not great.

Iain Armitage said he didn't click with me.

Can you believe that?

- You know what? Fuck him.

What a mingebag.

- Whoa, easy, he's 11.

- Meghan? Harry?

- Lisa Rinna! So nice to see you again.

- We've never met. - Oh.

Why do I feel like I know you?

- Well, I've been on TV for 50 years,

so maybe it's that.

Cute baby! What's his name?

- Meghan? - Archie.

- And your kids are Amelia and Delilah Belle, right?

I read about them in "People Magazine."

- Yes! Listen, Meghan.

I'm sure you're getting tons of offers...

- She's actually not.

- Would you ever consider joining

"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"?

- Uh--are you serious?

- Yeah, I think you guys would be great.

- I'm kind of still on hold for "Young Sheldon," but...

- Let me talk to Andy.

- You know Andy Cohen?

Meghan, she knows Andy Cohen!

- Okay, you need to just--

the things you know and don't know

are very confusing to me.

- Oh, shit, there's Lisa Vanderpump.

I'll have them call you.

- They hate each other!

What?

♪ ♪

- And that is how you make a Georgetini.

- Oh, thank God.

- Breathe. Just breathe.

- You were right. It does help.

- Olivia has arrived, sir.

- About fucking time. Get her over here.

Oh, hey, Olivia, glad you could make it.

I forgot you were even invited, to tell you the truth.

So were you, uh, busy earlier or something?

Because you weren't here, and everyone else was,

so that part was weird.

- I was at my dad's funeral.

- What? [chuckles]

Oh, my God.

That explains it! [laughs]

Oh, you have no idea what I just put myself through.

I didn't know what was going on.

But you were just at your dad's funeral.

I knew there had to be a reason.

God, I really know how to work myself up.

And for what?

That can't be good for me. Fucking Owen.

Hey, hey. Let's get her a Georgetini.

That'll make you feel better.

Would you excuse me for a second, dear?

Hey, O, this girl's dad just died.

It's gonna bring the whole party down.

Can we get her out of here?

Thanks.

Is everyone having fun?

Yeah, they're all having fun.

This is a huge success.

Better than "Paddington 2," they're saying.

Better than "Paddington 2."

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪