Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[teapot whistles]

[dishes clanking]

- Afternoon tea service in one minute!

Afternoon tea service in 55 seconds!

Leave him!

45 seconds.

- Hey, who do I talk to if I need Thursday off?

[fanciful violin music]

♪ ♪

- Lovely.

Everything looks absolutely scrummy.

- Yum, yum,

I fucking love tea.

- Can I feed Camilla

a sugar cube?

- Just one.

- Oh, she took it!

- She's a good girl.

- Would you pour a little bit of tea

down Prince Philip's throat?

- With pleasure, Your Royal Highness.

It's, uh...

closed, ma'am.

- Here, let me give it a try.

Sometimes it sticks.

All right, grandpa.

Let's open your mouth for William.

[straining]

It's really stuck this time.

- Is it like opening a jar?

Maybe run it under hot water?

Why am I even participating in this?

- Oh, neat, Demi Lovato is nonbinary.

Hm, good for them.

Oh, look, you got it open.

- There. Good as new.

- I would like a treat! I would like a treat!

The Queen would like a treat!

- Ooh, Mummy, look at all the yummy, yummy yummies!

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Yummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.

- You sound like a fucking idiot.

That's why you're not King, in case you're wondering.

- Sorry, I got caught up.

- A selection of all your favorites, ma'am.

- Where's the flummery tart?

Where's the flummery tart?

I don't see it!

I don't--oh! There it is.

I'll have that.

- Very good, ma'am.

- Gimme, gimme!

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom,

nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

- So I went online to see what was new

with Uncle Harry and Auntie Meghan

and I couldn't find a thing.

Isn't that odd?

I would've thought she'd have at least popped up

in a tampon commercial by now.

- [clears throat] Excuse me.

- You're fired.

- Sorry? - You heard me.

I won't tolerate your constant coughing and hacking.

- Oh, Mummy, don't. I love that one.

- You are so weak, Charles.

Like this fucking tea.

Get him out of here.

- Oof. - Bye, Felicia.

From this day forward,

you will be in charge of the tea service.

- I don't know what to say, ma'am.

I'm honored.

- And I want you to know

that I'm super easy

and just have fun with it.

- Oy! Tea!

Mmm. [slurps]

Thank you.

- Okay, that kid freaks me out.

- Okay, slow down.

What exactly did she say to you again?

- A promotion!

She gave me a promotion, Greg!

Oh, I didn't think things could possibly get

any better after our wedding.

[gasps] With the extra money,

we could start saving for a surrogate!

- Nothing would make me happier

than for us to raise a baby

in this drawer.

- That dresser has two drawers.

- Twins! Could you imagine?

- I could.

Don't you see? It's all happening for us.

We're going to be one of those couples.

It's just... - What?

- Tea service is a lot.

Do you really think I'm up to it?

- You listen to me, Douglas Mitchell Thorpe.

I knew when I met you that first day

changing Prince Philip's diaper

that you were destined for even greater things.

- That was already more than I had ever dreamt for myself.

But I've learned to dream bigger.

Thanks to you.

- I believe in you.

Just make sure she has that fucking tart.

- Mwah.

[alarm clock ringing]

Do you feel rested?

- Not really.

[dramatic melody]

- Hey, Harry, I'm gonna--

Okay, what are you doing?

- Hanging out.

You know, relaxing.

- Um, okay.

It looks like you're standing kind of rigid and formal.

Not at all relaxed.

- Really? No.

Opposite, actually.

- Jesus. What did they do to you?

Anyway, would you mind looking after Archie?

I have an audition. - Is it for Martin Scorsese?

- It's for "Last Man Standing,"

but my agent said it could be recurring.

- I'm sure it's wonderful, darling,

and only sounds shitty.

- Yeah, thanks.

Okay, see you later.

Oh, would you pick up some milk?

[dramatic melody]

- Everybody, may I have your attention?

[dishes clanging]

I said, may I have your attention?

We are about to begin tea service.

I know some of you are anxious,

some of you are frightened,

but know this.

We do this for our Queen!

It will be difficult,

some of us will fall.

But together, we will succeed!

We will give them biscuits.

We will give them tea!

We will give them scones,

or we will die trying.

For he today that sheds his blood with me

shall be my brother!

[cheering]

- Brava! Brava!

- Edmond?

Bring the flummery tarts!

- Right away.

- Now does anybody have a question?

- Yeah, who do I talk to if I need Thursday off?

[mysterious music]

[hissing]

- Back! Back, I say!

The tarts.

Cheers. Thanks, mate.

- Can nobody fix that?

[metal squeaking]

- I think the hinge is broken.

- Just leave it.

It's easier to put stuff

in that way.

See?

Happy as a clam!

[cell phone rings]

- I told you, I'll call when it's safe.

- Wait. What's going on with you?

- George is pretty!

- [chuckles] Oh, my God, thank you!

- Camilla, you should ask Mummy

if she wants to do Pilates with you.

Yes, she would adore it!

Mummy, Camilla's desperate

for you to do Pilates with her.

- You know when I'm available, Camilla?

When fucking hell freezes over.

How dare she say I need Pilates!

- She's gonna think about it and get back to you, darling.

- Flummery tart, ma'am.

- Puh! I don't like this.

- But...

it's been your favorite for 90 years.

- Yeah, and I just got sick of it.

Now take it away!

I never want to see it again!

- Of course, ma'am.

Ah, fuck.

- If I ever see that tart again,

you piece of shit,

you will be serving tea

out of your severed head.

Do you understand me?

- Yes, of course, ma'am. Apologies.

- I think he's doing a rather good job.

- Yes, bang on.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- Excuse me, milk?

- Fuck off. - Right.

Okay, Arby.

Milk? - Go to hell, asshole.

Aww, cute baby.

- Thanks!

♪ ♪

Milk?

- End of aisle one.

- For your kindness, sir.

- Um... okay.

- What'd he give you? - Get away, it's mine!

- Fuck me.

The whole aisle is a refrigerator!

- So today it went, you know...

okay.

- I think you did fabulous.

Doesn't everyone think Douglas did fabulous?

- Don't.

Now, first order of business, the flummery tart.

We don't need them. Ever again.

She went off.

- So what do we do about those things down there, then?

- [holding] Yeah.

Somebody needs to take care of that whole...

"situation."

So I'll leave that to...

somebody.

Any other thoughts?

- Reminder, I'm not here Thursday.

- I know!

[dramatic melody]

- Hi, Kate, it's Meghan. I was just wondering

if you've heard from Harry?

- Meghan?

- Meghan Markle, your sister-in-law.

Oh, never mind, he's here.

- Wonderful, darling.

- Who is that? - Meghan.

Some tosser gave her our number.

Oh, shit!

- Don't miss her.

Where have you been?

- The most incredible thing happened.

I found this place-- you're not gonna believe it.

Stacks and stacks of food as far as the eye could see,

and people just roaming the corridors taking it!

- Mm-hmm. - So how was your audition?

- The show was canceled by the time I got there.

- Well, we don't need you to work anyway

because I'm able to find this!

Game on, America!

- Okay, well, you don't get paid for that, but...

I'm super happy for you.

You're figuring things out.

I guess. What happened to your ring?

- I gave it to the working people.

- We're the working people!

[sighs] I'm sorry, I just--

I need a drink.

[mysterious music]

- I don't know about this.

- It's like getting rid of mice.

- Okay. Right, that makes sense.

Mice. They're like mice.

- It's very humane.

- Good, good.

[hissing]

Holy shit!

[roaring]

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Ah, that's done.

So what are the big plans for Thursday?

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- Ugh, people keep sending me stuff.

It's literally never-ending.

Hey, do you want a jar of La Mer?

- I would love a jar-- - [chuckles] I'm kidding.

These are, like, 500 pounds.

Okay, let's go over my day tomorrow.

- You have school and nap and snack, Your Royal Highness.

- Okay, I'll need reminder texts for all of those.

Really good job lately, O, you've been crushing it.

- And you have a playdate later this week, sir.

- Why am I just hearing about this now?

- It's been on your schedule for weeks, sir.

- I'm not in the mood for one of your excuses,

so spare me.

[sighs]

First, we'll need a theme.

Start thinking Truman Capote's

Black and White Ball and--oh, here I am

doing all the work again, big surprise.

And I want the guest list kept very exclusive.

Do you understand me? - Of course.

- If Charlotte shows up, so help me, God.

You know what?

This is gonna be fun, O!

- I have no doubt with you hosting,

it will be the party of the decade, sir.

- Aw, thanks, Owen.

I feel bad about before now.

You can have that jar of La Mer if you want.

The one that's cracked in half, not the good one.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

[mysterious music continues]

♪ ♪