Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[car door closes]

[silverware clinking]

- Pleasant weather.

- Stop jabbering, you two. We're not Italians.

- Gan Gan, you look so beautiful today.

I don't know why they didn't cast Angelina Jolie

to play you in "The Crown" or Gisele.

- [grunting and babbling] - Settle. Settle.

- Get the defibrillator paddles ready.

No, no. We're good.

Charlotte, can you move over, like, half an inch, please?

- Sorry, George. [cell phone rings]

- And who the hell is calling you?

- No one.

- Camilla, whatever it is

you're dying to say, just spit it out.

- Oh, no, Mummy, she's fine.

That's just how she swallows.

I could put the curtain around her if you'd prefer.

No? It's all good, darling.

She loves you.

- [grunting and babbling]

- He looks good. Fit.

- Oh, shut up. - You shut up.

- [grunting and babbling]

- Yeah, you look amazing today, Ganpa.

This is a sexy family.

You know, for British people.

- Hey, Owen? - Yes, Your Royal Highness?

- When you're clipping my nails,

can you at least try to act like you're enjoying it?

My toes are absorbing a lot of your resentment.

- I would never want you to think that I didn't--

- Eh, eh. Less talk-y, more clip-y.

Ooh, Kelly Ripa just posted a Throwback Thursday photo

of her eating a bagel on the set of "All My Children."

"OMG. Coffin emoji."

I love Kelly Ripa.

I feel like we could be friends.

- Of course you could, sir.

- I know. That's why I said it.

Let's see if she liked my comment yet.

Uh, hold on. Is she--

is she even following me?

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Kelly Ripa doesn't follow me.

- Perhaps she unfollowed you by accident, sir.

I've done that.

- Wait, you're on Instagram?

- It's mostly just pictures of me in my garden

or of my deceased wife.

- Ugh, not the dead wife again.

Babe, move on.

Anyway, you're right.

Kelly obviously unfollowed me by accident.

- Yes, of course.

That's probably what happened, sir.

- Probably? What do you mean probably?

- I don't think I said "probably."

I believe I said "definitely."

- Did you?

- I did...sir.

- Oh, okay. Thank you.

Just for that, I'm going to go on your Instagram--

there you are, @OwenPalace, aw, cute--

and like this picture of you.

Like. - That's my wife, sir.

- Jesus.

I'm unliking it.

[dramatic musical sting]

- I love you. - I love you, too, Douglas.

- Tomorrow is that thing, right?

You know, that thing. What's it called?

- Your investiture ceremony, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, it's tomorrow.

- And that is when I do what exactly?

- It's when you select certain men and women

to knight and make dames, ma'am.

- I know what it is, you tosser!

- What the fuck? - No idea.

- And will there be the little thing that I like to eat?

You know, that little tart. That thing.

- Yes, ma'am, the flummery tart.

Of course. As always.

- Good, I fucking love that thing.

- She's got a lot of-- - Don't.

[choir vocalizing]

♪ ♪

- Unbelievable. [sighs]

Unbelievable. [sighs melodramatically]

Don't make me sigh again, Dinesh.

- Sorry, sorry. What's unbelievable?

- Kelly Ripa still isn't following me.

I've got to do something to get her attention.

- I love Kelly Ripa.

I feel like we could be friends.

- What a stupid fucking thing to say.

- Oh, look, your grandmother

is making Greta Thunberg a dame.

- Ugh, Greta Dumbberg is more like it.

I said Greta Dumbberg is more like it.

[forced laughter]

Don't laugh if you don't think it's funny.

Wait, Greta Thunberg is going to be a dame?

You know what that means.

- Maggie Smith is dead? - What? No.

What does that have to do with anything, Sebastian?

- Doesn't a dame have to die before there can be a new one?

- That's what I thought, too. - That doesn't even make any--

All right, both of you just shut up.

[bell rings] Well, that's the bell.

Really fun day, guys. Text me later.

Free Britney!

- I never know where we stand with him.

[light orchestral music]

- [snoring]

[grunting]

- Hey, Gan Gan?

- Who's there? Who's there?

- It's me. It's me, Gan Gan.

- Oh, hello, sweetheart.

- Oh, Jesus. My fucking heart.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you something.

- Would you rub my feet while you do?

- Um...okay.

- [moaning]

- So my good friend Kelly Ripa--

- "Kelly and Ryan" Kelly Ripa? - Yes, that's her.

So I thought maybe you could make her a dame for me.

- Has she done anything else? - I don't think so.

But Helen Mirren's a dame,

and she hasn't done anything either.

- That's true. Okay, stop rubbing now.

Sure. - Thanks, Gan Gan.

- Excuse me, Your-- - [grunts]

[gunshot] - [shrieks]

[groaning]

- Everyone stop fucking startling me!

- All...right. Well, thanks again.

- ♪ Stupid love, love ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want your stupid love, love ♪

- Excuse me, Your Royal Highness.

- Oh, hey, O. No, it's cool.

Come on in. Okay, Google, turn off.

[music stops] Guess what.

Gan Gan just agreed

to make Kelly Ripa a dame.

- Splendid, and she's also

honoring Greta Thunberg, I hear.

- Well, Kelly's someone who actually deserves it.

Do you know how early she has to get up for that show?

Anyway, she's obviously going to follow me after that.

- Happy ending, indeed.

Ooh, I almost forgot, sir.

You received a postcard today

from your Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan in LA.

- A postcard? Let me see that.

What the hell are they doing in LA anyway?

[dramatic musical sting]

- Uh...hey.

- Did you know it's cold in there?

- Yeah. It's the refrigerator, Harry.

- Must be an American thing. - Um, it's not.

So I was thinking maybe later, I could show you around LA.

We can go to Hollywood Boulevard.

Actually, it's kind of disgusting.

Or maybe the Santa Monica Pier. [gasps]

Never mind. That's kind of gross, too.

And whatever. We'll figure it out.

I am just so happy to be back!

- For sure! But wait.

Watch this.

Amazing, right? - Okay.

- I have to tell you, this might be

the smallest palace I've ever been in.

- Well, it's an apartment, so--

- Yes, an apartment palace. I know that.

Lots of tiny palaces inside one big palace.

- You really need to stop thinking in terms of palaces.

We have to get jobs.

I have to start auditioning again.

- Oh, yes, you were on the very famous show "Suits."

More popular in the States than even "Friends," you told us.

- Yeah, I might have oversold that a little bit at the time.

- Look, I love you, and I'm willing to do

whatever I need to do in order to be with you, Meghan.

- Aw, and I love you, too.

I think it's important we do this ourselves, Harry,

and not live off your family. - I agree.

We'll just have to find a way to make £50 billion on our own.

- Fuck.

- The queen's investiture ceremony

starts in ten minutes.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving!

- Oh, my God. I have to shit so bad.

- You there, go get the trays of flummery tarts.

- Yeah, I'm new.

I don't--uh, I-I don't know what that is.

- I'll show him. Come with me.

They're the queen's favorite tarts.

- Neat.

I don't suppose I could poo first?

- It's down here.

- This is where you keep the tarts?

- Just a little bit further.

Down this corridor.

The tarts are very complicated little pastries.

There's a whole process to making them.

It's a little weird.

[eerie music]

[creatures growl]

- [hisses]

- Jesus! - Easy, easy!

[creatures hissing]

♪ ♪

Back!

♪ ♪

- They--they didn't have eyes.

- Centuries ago, several bakers were brought down here

until they perfected the royal family's favorite treat,

the flummery tart.

They never saw the light of day.

Eventually they started breeding.

And then over the decades, they kind of evolved into...

Is it politically incorrect to say monsters?

- My God.

- I told you it was a little weird.

- Are the tarts that good? - I'm not a fan.

[indistinct chatter]

[grand orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- It's so lovely to meet you.

I'm Kate, the duchess of Cambridge.

- And I'm William, the duke of Cambridge.

And these are my teeth.

- Hey, I'm Kelly Ripa,

the...woman of New Jersey.

- Of course, you're being honored this evening.

And may I ask for what specifically?

- I have no idea.

- [munches loudly] - Ugh, sickening.

I can't watch you eat.

- Finally, she leaves.

- You two are a fun pair.

Hey, Greta. - Hi, Kelly.

- Hey, Kelly, Kelly! Hey--hey, Kelly!

It's me, George.

Get out of here, Greta.

- Oh, hey. - Yeah, hey.

So this is cool, right?

- I know. I'm gonna be a dame.

Did Maggie Smith die?

- No, Maggie Smith didn't die.

Why does everyone--

Anyway, it's so fun

that we're Instagram friends

and we're finally meeting in person.

- Oh, is that how we know each other?

- Yeah, that's how.

Like, I follow you, and you follow me.

- Are those those fucking tarts I like?

[cell phone rings] - I can't talk now.

They're all watching me.

And I'm watching them.

Hi, Mummy!

- Yep, here it is. Kelly Ripa, following, see?

I bet if you go to @PrinceG2013,

you'll see the same thing.

Do it. - Um, okay.

Oh, I-I guess I wasn't following you.

Sorry. Am now.

- Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. I don't care.

- What the hell are you doing? We're not in Japan, dear.

Curtsy next time.

Someone tart me!

- I thought she'd be nice. - Yeah, she's not.

- Hello, I'm Prince Charles, and this is my wife, Camilla.

You know, a lot of people think

Camilla should have a chat show, too.

She's got quite the gift of gab.

Breakfast show chat, darling?

You're going to love it, Kelly. She's so good.

Go on, darling.

- Yeah, I kind of preferred your other wife.

[dramatic orchestral music]

- That was fun tonight, O. Wasn't it?

You've missed, like, ten spots already, by the way.

How hard is it to apply face cream?

Fuck.

- Apologies, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, the evening was a huge success.

- It was also freezing today,

so you notice Greta didn't have much to say.

Oh, look at this! Dame Kelly Ripa, following.

She changed that fast. - See?

I told you, sir. It was a simple mistake.

- Yeah, yeah. Anyway, now I can do this.

Unfollow. Bye!

Don't let me do that again, by the way.

Pull me back, O.

Why do I care if Kelly Ripa follows me?

That was, like, a lot of wasted energy.

- I do see now how it was my fault, sir.

- Aw, don't feel bad, O.

Look! Look what I'm doing.

@OwenPalace, follow.

- Oh, sir.

- Okay, Google. Play Lady Gaga.

- ♪ I want your stupid love, love ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ I want your stupid love, love ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Now it's time to free me from the shame ♪

♪ I gotta find that peace ♪

♪ Is it too late, or could this love ♪

♪ Protect me from the pain? ♪

♪ I would battle for you ♪

♪ Even if I break in two ♪

♪ Freak out, I freak out ♪