Original subtitles

♪ Now although we know our duty ♪

♪ Must be done ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Happy one ♪

♪ While I'm lurking on a dozen dirty thresholds ♪

♪ Dirty thresholds ♪

♪ A peeping guilty party's in my sight ♪

♪ In my sight ♪

♪ They can mill to those temptations ♪

♪ At the flesh hold ♪

♪ While I sacrifice my conjugal rights ♪

♪ Just the rights ♪

♪ Once I had to tail a bloke for an annulment ♪

♪ An annulment ♪

♪ And I waited in the rain ♪

♪ While he had fun ♪

♪ He had fun ♪

♪ And until that time I never knew what dull meant ♪

♪ Knew what dull meant ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Always waiting in the rain ♪

♪ While they have fun ♪

♪ They have fun ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Happy one ♪

♪ While I keep ♪

♪ A watch on dim suburban houses ♪

♪ Suburban houses 3

♪ In the hope ♪

♪ Of catching ♪

♪ Couples in the act ♪

♪ I reflect ♪

♪ It's them as gits ♪

♪ To shed their trousers ♪

♪ And I've often tasted envy ♪

♪ That's a fact ♪

♪ Lust can overtake the guilty ♪

♪ Like a brainstorm ♪

♪ By the morning, in the oven there's a bun ♪

♪ There's a bun ♪

♪ As for me, I'm left there waiting ♪

♪ In a rainstorm ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Always waiting in the rain while they have fun ♪

♪ They have fun ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Always waiting in the rain while they have fun ♪

♪ They have fun ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Always waiting in the rain while they have fun ♪

♪ They have fun ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

♪ Always waiting in the rain while they have fun ♪

♪ They have fun ♪

♪ A detective's lot is not a happy one ♪

Now, our readers would like to know

the full story.

- So, where do I start?

- You could try the beginning.

- Ah, the beginning.

It seems so long ago.

We were living somewhere in England.

My husband became extremely jealous.

I really can't think why.

- Utta.

Utta!

- Hello, darling.

Poor Jeffrey.

I think his work was getting on top of him.

He was in chemicals, you know.

And, also, he had a lot of trouble with some Japanese.

Oh, wait a minute.

- HEY-

Wait a minute.

I should have told you the reason why his work

was getting on top of him

was because he had discovered this nerve gas.

The army was mad about it.

Deadly, was it?

No,

It didn't kill people.

Just one little poof and it paralysed their legs a bit.

You mean it paralysed them temporarily?

Yes.

Must have been invaluable militarily.

Eureka.

- Rip it.

- Eek.

- You'll go down in the history books for this.

- So these Japanese got wind of Jeffrey's gas

and they wanted to steal it.

They were led by a famous secret agent called.

Madame Greenfly.

Oh no.

- Oh no.

- I nearly forgot.

There was this Arab airport near London

which was managed by Prince Hassein.

- Pill.

My pill.

- An Arabian gentleman who was always looking for new wives.

- About next month's consignment,

I had considered sending you a slim, young geisha.

- Slim?

Young geisha?

- He had a very big turnover.

Oh, but I should have explained.

Because Jeffrey was jealous, he had gone to see.

Major Upton who had a detective agency.

Jeffrey went to see Major Upton to have me followed.

I don't think he quite realised what he was

letting himself in for.

You will handle this discreetly.

Won't you, Major?

- This firm has a very good reputation, Mr. Armitage.

Not only for getting results,

but for the tack and discretion in which we get them.

- Good.

- Now.

This telephone call on Tuesday.

What exactly did the man say?

- Oh, well I wrote it down.

He said,

"Your wife has got a smashing pair of milkers,

I must say."

- Hm.

This could be very useful.

- "But a married woman didn't ought to flash them

around so much."

And, as one of your brochures happened to arrive

the next morning,

I thought-

- Yes, yes.

I'll put one of my best men onto this.

'Souse me for a moment.

- Well, I don't know.

Tell him it's for the organ fund.

Right, father, yes.

Well, I'll be hearing from you, eh?

- Ah, Hamilton.

N'

- I'm sorry.

Gannet and I are busy.

Owltruss and West are free.

- Oh yes.

Owltruss.

That's a start, Gannet.

Keep it.

- Owltruss.

West.

Are you in there?

- Other door.

- Ah, West.

I've got a little job for you.

- Yes, we're all rather busy at the moment.

Why don't you use the new chap?

What's his name?

- Hobbs.

He's very good.

- Yes, that's right.

He's very good.

- Ah, good.

Right. Good idea.

- Good idea.

- Excellent.

Oh, I use the other door.

- Use the other man. - I use the other man.

- Meanwhile, the Japanese had got into the factory,

pretending they were an official delegation for

the Japanese gas board.

- We are from Japanese Gas Board.

We are official deregation.

- Well, our tour usually starts in the typing pool.

- Excuse me.

What is that way?

- I'm afraid I can't show you that.

- That is where gas produce?

- Yes.

No, no.

I am not allowed to say that.

Lady, gentlemen.

This way please.

- You know what they say about oliental woman?

It's true.

I show you.

- Oh, good heaven's, you're not allowed here.

"No?"

- NO-

- Souvenir please.

- Oh. No, no, no.

- Eh?

- Please give souvenir.

- No, no these papers are secret.

- Now, in this room, we have-

Where are the others?

- We are here.

- But there were nine of you.

- There are nine of us.

- Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Speak English.

Stay where you are.

Out of my way.

- Get out.

What's this?

You're not allowed in here.

Goon.

- Let go me.

Let go please.

- Get out.

- Let go, this is mine.

- It is not.

- I left it here yesterday.

I'm Mr. Armitage's son.

- Oh my legs.

- Trouble at the laboratory.

- Oh my goodness.

- Come on.

Let's go.

What the hell is going on?

- Sayonara.

- Oh, thank God, the formula's still here.

- Ah, clearly got in here.

Tell tale scratch marks.

- Crows are nesting early this year.

- Yes.

If I may say something,

the security could be tightened up here.

Now, our security system is second to none.

We have many satisfied customers.

Perhaps our brochure will explain.

Oh, yes, thank you.

We have four basic schemes.

- In the meantime, these are going in my safe at home.

- Good idea.

At this point, Madam Greenfly also decided

to use Major Upton's detective agency.

- Hamilton.

Simon Hamilton.

Major Upton's number one.

And this is Gannet.

Would you believe, Miles Gannet?

- How do you do?

Miles Gannet.

I just said that.

This way.

Now.

What can I do for you?

- We require information concerning nerve gas.

- Mm hm.

- Ice cream.

Would you like a lolly?

- We prepare to pay generous sum

for sample of nerve gas and plapers.

Describing method of production.

"Plapers?"

- From Armitage Chemical company.

- I know it well.

In my opinion, it's gonna be a very difficult task.

By the way, has anyone ever told you

that you have fascinating eyes?

Slanted, though they may be.

- We are prepared to pay 5000 yen.

' Oh really?

Well, I think it would be fair to tell you

that Major Upton is a little behind the times

in matters like these.

So, uh, it would be essential for you to deal

directly with me.

Briefing.

Briefing.

- Staff briefing. - Excuse me for a moment.

Corning Major.

- Ah, Hamilton.

Staff briefing.

- Oh dear.

Look, this door's stuck again, Major.

- Oh dearie me.

Oh well.

A staff briefing in my office.

Straight away.

- Okay, sir.

I'll get it fixed.

You realise we must stop meeting like this.

This way, Madam.

I'll contact you very soon to discuss the details.

Of course, the fee will be in cash.

- My card.

- Thank you.

- So long.

- 5,000 yen.

- Two quid if you keep your mouth shut.

- O0.

Ow!

- I fixed our door, Major.

- Oh splendid.

- What did you do?

- One of those Japs kicked me.

- Those Japs there?

Oh.

- Hi.

Attention please, men.

I have rather important,

and I think I can safely say,

momentous news for you all.

Oh God.

- Today, I pulled off a rather big deal.

We are going to instal a scheme for security

in a firm not far from here.

The Armitage Chemical company.

“ O0!

- What is the matter, Gannet?

- Cold.

- Hot rum and lemon, Gannet.

Now.

We've got to get this set up as soon as we can.

Maxine, will you pass down the copies of the layout

of the labs, please.

- What exactly are we guarding, sir?

- Good question.

It's a pretty hot target.

But I know I can tell you all.

It's a nerve gas.

— Nerve gas?

- Military.

Hush hush.

Some Japs are after it.

- Really?

Is that very valuable?

- Millions.

Now, orders for today.

Owltruss and West, I want to see you at the labs

in half an hour.

- Yes, Major.

- Hamilton.

I want you to be in charge here during my absence.

- I'm terribly sorry, Major,

but my grandmother's being buried today.

“ Again?

- Wrong woman last time.

Oh?

- Dearie me.

Gannet, you're in charge.

- Oh.

Hot rum and lemon, Gannet.

Hobbs.

- Yes, sir?

I want you to come with me.

I've got an odd little job for you.

Well.

If this works out,

the sky's the limit.

Okay, number one?

- Fine, Major.

Fine.

Al Shubti Airline

announces the departure of the flight 2001 to Manchester.

Passengers are kindly requested to go to gate number two

for immediate departure.

May Allah preserve you.

- Come along, Meredith.

Come along, Maureen.

Hurry up now, girls.

Come on, come on, come on.

A million shaloms, your highness.

Ah, Hamilton.

Well.

How's the prostate?

- Ah, as well as can be expected.

- Allah be praised.

Well, I think I found the sort of thing that you wanted.

Excuse me.

- Mm.

Hamilton.

You have done well.

Particularlarly well.

- Not a bad bunch, are they, sir?

This one on the right, there,

was Miss Black Pudding of 1964.

You smile, Deirdre, smile.

Yes.

Smile, Deirdre.

- On this docket here, I've noted their

collective vital statistics.

You'll notice busts, 285.

Waists, 264.

And, uh, hips, 301.

I've added up the grand total at the bottom.

Bottom.

- Now, about next month's consignment, sir.

- Up there, Major?

- My dear, Hobbs, there's nothing to it.

All you've got to do is keep an eye on Mrs. Armitage.

Watch where she goes and who she sees

and write it down.

Come on.

Get up.

Best foot forward.

' Um, Major?

Isn't there something easier I could do?

Like tackling wage bandits?

- Don't bully, Hobbs.

Owltruss said you're excellent.

- I haven't done anything yet.

This is my first job.

- I wonder what he meant.

On.

Shh.

- Eleanor, answer the door, please.

- Ah, good morning.

- Good morning.

- Is madame at home?

- Who is it?

- Mrs. Armitage.

Yes.

Major Upton.

- Hello.

- Upton Security Limited.

Your husband's asked me to take a look at the safe.

- Oh, yes.

- We've had a bother bother down at the labs.

Rough stuff, but we'll fix it up.

- Well, the safe is in here.

Jeffrey keeps his papers in it.

- Leave it to me.

Nothing to worry your, if I may say so,

extremely pretty head about.

- Ah, Mrs. Armitage.

I'm afraid we're going to have to change this.

Rather old-fashioned.

- Oh.

- I have a new model I can highly recommend.

- Hello?

Yes, he's here.

It's for you, Major.

"Me?"

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Major Upton.

- Sorry to interrupt, sir.

Hobbs here.

The office gave me your number.

It's terribly important, sir.

There's someone with her now.

- What?

- It might be the man, sir.

He's about 50.

Fat.

A bit seedy looking.

Secondhand car deal type.

- What's he doing now?

- He's on the telephone, sir.

Oh my God.

I think he's seen me.

Yes, he has seen me.

Oh.

Ah.

Uh, hey.

Now that he's standing in the light,

he looks younger.

And slimmer.

And not at all seedy.

He, uh, hello?

Hello?

- What's that snoring?

- I don't know.

Maybe an owl.

Come on.

You keep out of the light.

You don't look very convincing.

- But what's all this about?

What happens if a real policeman comes along?

- Well, you just bend your legs like this, you see,

and you say, " 'Ello, 'ello, what's going on then?"

- I see.

- Now stop whining.

I gave you ten quid, didn't I?

And keep your eyes peeled.

If you see anyone coming, you give me the buzz on this,

okay?

- Okay- - Okay-

- Shut up.

- Let's go.

- Hello?

Hello?

Hamilton?

There it is.

How do you hear me, over?

- Now, Gannet, what's the first thing you do

on an operation of this kind?

- Um.

- Hey? Hey? Hey?

Come on.

- Cut the enemy's lines of communication.

- Good lad.

Hello?

Hello.

Hamilton, you fool, where are you?

Right.

Here we go.

- I'm sorry.

Don't hit me.

- Shut up.

- It's a dog.

Nevermind.

Give me the meat.

What's that?

- Meat.

- It's deep frozen.

- Keeps it fresh.

- Well, you'd better just get through that window,

hadn't you?

- Why me?

- Well, you broke the torch, didn't you?

- But there's a dog in there.

- Yeah.

Hello?

- Keep calm.

Look, we can't see the dog, can we, without the torch.

So poor old Gannet has to make friends with

the dear little doggy.

And bring him to the window.

So, nasty old me can tranquillise him and put him

to beddie byes, got it?

Or shall I tell everybody about that nasty

little incident at the park?

Hello?

Over.

He's got my foot.

Shut up.

- All right, Gannet, hang on.

Okay, you hairy monster.

Kiss the world goodbye.

Oh, I do hate dogs.

Gannet.

Gannet.

Gannet.

It's Hamilton.

If you're in the lavatory, please don't pull the chain.

- Evening, constable.

- Evening, all.

- Thank you.

- Where've you been, Gannet?

Don't turn the bloody-

- Good evening.

- What are you doing here?

- Where?

- Here?

- What, here?

What, in this room?

- Yes.

- Oh, in the room.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Allow me to introduce myself, sir.

Detective Inspector Frampton, sir.

At your service.

- Detective Inspector?

Frampton, sir.

Hampton.

- Hampton.

- I think can identify myself.

I've got a card here somewhere.

- If you don't mind me asking,

why have you got a stocking

on your face?

- Oh, acne, sir, acne.

Oh, I can see now why you were suspicious of me, sir.

Oh dear, Oh dear.

- Carry on, inspector.

Oh dear.

I wish you wouldn't do that, sir.

You scared the life out of me.

There's no joy there, sir.

The police station will be very busy tonight.

A lot of crime about.

Get off me.

I'll stab you, mate.

I'm a trained killer.

Get your hands off me, mate.

- Don't muck about. - Constable.

Don't muck about.

- Get your hands off me. - Constable.

- I'll have you.

- Constable.

- Constable, I've found a thief.

- Hello?

What's all this then?

Good evening, all.

- Good lord, what have you?

- A student wrap.

Nothing to worry about.

All in a day's work, sir.

- I've found a felon.

- So, I'd better come along with you, sir.

- Hang on.

I'll run you both to the station.

- Won't be necessary. - Won't be necessary.

- You can handle it. - I can handle it.

- Good boy, sir.

- I'm a judo black belt.

You are not.

- Oh, yes I am.

Go home, you dirty beggar.

- Steady arm, Constable.

- It's all right.

He'll have plenty of time to think where he's going.

- Don't let him hit me, please.

I'll have you out.

- No, no, I didn't mean it!

Yeah, I'll have you.

- Oh.

Oh.

Good boy, Fang.

What, boy?

Go get it, boy.

- Ah, Hamilton, good morning.

- Good morning.

- Have you seen Gannet?

- Well, I thought he might be here, Major.

- Oh, late again?

Oh dearie me.

And we've got a busy day in there.

Now, look, Hamilton, I want you to stay here.

- What's all this stuff, Major?

- The latest model of the most advanced modern

burglar system known to science.

- Where are you taken it at?

- To the laboratories.

We're just deliverin' it now.

- Already?

- Oh yes.

It'll only take 24 hours to instal.

Careful, Henson.

Treat it gently.

New man.

Started this morning.

Excellent references.

Used to be a brain surgeon in Alaska.

Expandin' firm, eh'?

Now, look here, Hamilton.

I want you to stay here and keep an eye on things.

- Major Upton.

Wanted on the telephone.

- Right.

Keep at it, men.

- Henny.

That's a 100,100 ruples.

Drive as fast you can to Brixton, okay?

When I give you the word, stop.

Corning, Major.

- Imperial Bank of Russia promises to pay the bearer.

- Upton here.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Armitage.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Last night?

Oh, he didn't take anything.

Just a thief.

Or, do you think he knew about the...

Yes, yes, I see.

No, no.

On no account, ring the police.

You can't trust them.

- Yes, well there's.

Very interesting, Major.

But you will make sure that you've got

that new safe in my study tonight, won't you?

Yes.

Thank you.

Yes?

Ah, Sergeant.

Yes, now.

Oh, about our intruder?

- He's given us a full confession, sir.

So there's no need to do anything.

Just one thing, sir, you sure there wasn't

a second body there, sir?

Are you quite sure about that, sir?

All right, sir.

Just as I thought, sir.

Yes, good morning, sir.

All the best.

Up your end, West.

Right.

- Butterfingers.

- It's your fault.

You one-armed tratching.

- Good job, then.

West, West.

You go in the van with Henson.

And go carefully.

That stuffs worth a fortune.

We'll follow in the car.

Mr. Armitage requested the best and, by George,

- that's what he'll get. - Okay, boss, here we go.

There weren't anymore Chinese jelly bellies

this side of the chop suey emporium.

Why's he going that way?

Good heavens, you don't think?

- What?

- Get aboard, men.

He had such splendid references.

One from King Hawkin of Norway,

the tallest monarch in Europe in his day, you know.

Answer the door, Eleanor.

It's the man from Carriages.

- Carriages?

Good mornin'.

This is the one.

- Yes, miss.

- Hello.

Sorry to have you around again,

but it was too big.

- That's all right, miss.

Saw you've got a driving licence with you.

- Come on.

Pick it up, Major.

Put your foot down.

Come on.

- Release him.

- Major, what are you doing?

Watch it!

Will you be careful?

- Oh, I think we go left here, Major.

- No, it's right.

Armitage.

Chest standing, oak.

Six by three by three.

Unusual carvings on front.

- Right.

Here, here, don't forget.

Brochures uncle in the 2:30.

- Hey, watch it!

Where do ya think you're going?

Henson's straight over on the corner.

There he is.

- Oh, how boring.

- Charge!

Nevermind, Major, keep going.

Come on.

Try him again.

- We got him, Major.

We blocking him in.

- You scallywag.

You've gravely damaged my motor.

- Eh, how many gallons will it be, sir?

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

Now, look here.

We've got you now.

- This is for you, madame.

- Thank you so much.

And this is for you.

Have a drink on me.

- Ah, thanks very much.

' Bye bye.

Eleanor, put the old curtains back in the chest, please.

- Are you looking for it?

It's in there.

Hard work, eh?

I don't know why she wants a new chest?

Utta.

Utta?

Hello, darling.

Oh, pack me a bag, would you?

I'll be up on my way to Wolkem.

- Okay-

Have a nice trip.

Thank you.

- If you come out of your cabin now,

I may do nothing about it.

Are you coming out?

All right.

Well, I am going to count up to five,

and if you don't come out by the end of it,

you'll wish you've never been born, right?

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

How the devil do you get into this thing?

- What's the point, Major?

You can't.

He's got a locking device on.

Give him three.

- I shall only give you three.

Then I shall open the door with a special key

that only I know the secret of.

Ha, you think I'm bluffing, don't you?

Well, I'll show you whether I'm bluffing.

One.

There's only two left.

- Cannae find the thingamabob.

Can't find the hole.

- Major.

Major.

Let's light a fire under the cabin.

- A fire.

Yes.

Good idea.

Yeah.

Fire.

Ah.

Stick this up his air vent.

Frying tonight, eh?

- Is it up to his socks, Major?

Is it?

- It's comin' up.

Comin' up.

Is it up to his knees yet, Major?

Ankles?

- Deep frying tonight, yeah?

- Major, can you see the whites of his eyes?

- We'll make scampi of you yet, eh.

- Eleanor?

Yes, ma'am?

- Can you take this downstairs, please?

- I must say, he's got an amazing capacity.

- This got you.

Ha ha!

You devil.

- Thank you very much, sir.

That will be 547 pounds, 93.

- Get after him, man.

You chumps rip his leg off.

- Timber.

- Oh.

Oh my God.

Are you hurt?

Is it bad?

- Utta.

- Who are you?

- An ornithologist.

- What?

- Major Upton.

Major Upton.

You're rather late, aren't you?

Is anything the matter?

- Mr. Armitage, you'll never believe what's happened.

- What's happened?

- They've sent the wrong equipment.

- Wrong equipment?

- It's useless.

Will all have to go back.

British industry for you.

- How long will that take?

- No, don't worry.

We'll have the new stuff in a moment.

You rest assured, Mr. Armitage.

- Well, get on with it.

Have you got the new safe in, yet?

- In a moment.

We're just going round to your house now.

- Well, I'll see you there.

Shortly.

Yes?

- Yes.

- Good.

- Hey, you, over there.

Help me, please.

Over here.

- Oh.

Oui.

At your service, mademoiselle.

At once, yeah.

- Poor boy, is he breathing?

- I don't know.

I'll have a little-a listen.

I give him the kiss of life, yeah?

- Don't hurt him.

Get him a glass of water.

- Madame.

I like this boy.

He's a good strong boy, eh?

- Oh, not in there.

In the kitchen.

- Sacre bleu.

In the kitchen, ah?

- You feeling better?

- Oh, fine.

- You seem to know my name.

- Gannet, you little swine, are you in there?

- Mm.

This will make you feel better.

Oh, hello, darling.

- So.

This is what goes on when you think you've got rid of me

for a couple of hours, eh?

Jeffrey.

- Don't talk to me.

- Good afternoon.

- Yes.

- Good afternoon.

So, you're the one, are you?

Well, I've caught you, haven't I?

You gigolo.

You filthy vermin.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

I'm gonna teach you to play with my wife,

you nasty little pimp.

I'm gonna tear you limb from limb.

I'm gonna take two bricks and I'm gonna squash your-

Ah.

Um.

Utta.

Now look what you've done.

So, you're from the

agency, are you?

Watching.

- I was following her and I fell out of a tree

and found myself here.

And she said you were very sweet.

Oh, she was just being pleasant.

Pleasant?

Yes, pleasant.

Utta is-

- Who? - Who?

Ah, Mm.

Mrs. Armitage.

Well, she's a very pleasant woman.

And, if I may say so, a very fine woman.

- Pleasant?

Sit down.

I've been watching her for two days

and I haven't seen any evidence of any...

In fact, I feel rather cheap.

How anyone can suspect such a charming and open woman.

How you can.

Think what a woman was doing anything sordid

or underhanded.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I mean, I know she's attractive and beautiful

to other men.

Enormously attractive.

And, really, quite stunning.

And very, very wonderful.

And, her body in a bikini is...

- Pleasant?

- Ah, Hamilton.

We've got the, um-

- Sorry, Major.

Got to dash.

Looking for Gannet.

- Ah, fine.

Hobbs?

Major Upton?

- Ah, Mr. Armitage, we've brought the safe.

- In here.

That was your man, wasn't it?

- Yes.

- The man who was supposed to be watching my wife?

- Yes.

- Discreetly?

- Oh yes.

- Well, five minutes ago, I find him on this settee

with my wife.

He's quite clearly infatuated with her.

, MY-

God.

He just joined me from another firm.

They said he was one of their best men.

I'll take him off this immediately.

I'll put someone else on.

Um, um.

- Gannet. - Who?

- He's excellent.

Yes, put him on tomorrow.

First thing.

MY-

God.

Where should we put the safe, Major?

- Oh, in the study.

At the double.

I do apologise, Mr. Armitage.

Any of this sort never happened before.

- NO-

Well, I have to go now.

I want you to put these papers in the new safe yourself.

- Of course.

Personally.

My goodness.

- Where to, sir?

- Oh.

Middlesbrough.

We've looked all over town for Ms. Laverne.

She's completely disappeared and it's curtain up

in exactly one minute.

You've got to go on.

Gee, my big chance.

Do you think I could do it, Mr. Flanagan?

Sure, Kate, you've got what it takes.

Guts.

Okay, everybody.

Places, please.

Take it away.

♪ I'm feeling lonesome ♪

♪ Alone with my telephone ♪

♪ Dreaming only of someone ♪

♪ Who'll never phone ♪

- You all right, Owltruss?

- Yes, thank you.

- You're a good lad.

- Thank you.

- Kill it.

Come on.

There it is.

- Ow.

- All right.

Here we go.

Give me the meat.

Doggie, doggie, doggie, d099ie-

Supper.

- But you've killed it.

- It was only a doggie.

Come on.

Oh, gee, Mr. Flanagan,

I made it.

Linda, honey, you did it.

Just listen to that applause.

Broadway just got herself a new star.

- Nighty night, Mr. Armitage, you fink.

- Good night.

- Very lucky I don't give him a good bashing.

- You're very lucky.

He's not giving you a good bashing.

What did you do that for?

- Fun.

- Oh, indeed.

- Shut the door.

Sorry.

- Oh no.

- What's the matter?

- It's a new safe.

I don't know how to open this sort.

— Don't you?

- NO-

- Well then.

Ask Upton.

He'll know.

- Oh yeah.

I think we could possibly wake up Armitage.

Ask him, eh?

- But I meant ring up, up, Upton on this telephone.

From here.

And ask him.

- I like you.

You're better than Gannet.

You're my kind of man.

- Thank you very much.

- Evil.

- Three.

Two.

- Yeah, Major Upton, here.

Who?

Hamilton here.

- Oh, it's you.

What is it?

I'm on a job.

It's a Benson Security, um,

2E.

- Ask him to leave the key under the mat.

- What's that, Major?

Yes.

Three to the right.

Two to the left.

Four to the right.

Seven to the left.

Four to the right.

Six to the right.

Thank you very, very much, indeed, Major.

I've got that, yes.

Mighty night.

- Sleep tight.

- It's going to be a bit of a job.

Take a bit of time.

I just hope Mrs. Armitage doesn't wake up.

Wonder where hubby is, ah?

- Hello?

- Who's that?

- It's the El Coco Club.

- Who is it?

- This is the El Coco Single Men's Dancing Club.

I think you've got the wrong number.

This is a recorded announcement.

Call back later.

- Who was that?

- No idea.

At this time of night, I'd think it was a wrong number.

- Open sesame.

- Wonderful.

- Hello, this is Mr. Armitage's house.

Mr. Armitage speaking and will you please stop

ringing me up in the middle of the night?

- Put your clothes on.

My wife's a slut.

Put your clothes on.

Right.

Where is he then?

- Hello, darling.

- Where is he?

- Who?

- Don't give me that.

He was here last night.

He's even been answering the bloody telephone.

Where is he?

- Have you gone mad?

- Sorry.

Hooray.

I'm free.

Free.

- Hello?

Hello, your highness.

Yes, it's Hamilton.

Look, I think I have something here of mutual interest.

Hm'?

Good.

Yes, well I suggest you have a plane ready at the airport

about 11 o'clock.

Yes, fine.

- Ah, Hamilton.

Sorry to disturb you.

Have you seen Gannet?

- I think he's on the job somewhere, sir.

- Oh really?

- Mm.

- I want to put a tail on Mrs. Armitage.

- Really?

Would you care for a cup of tea, sir?

- Oh, thank you.

Ah.

No, I will not stay here

a moment longer.

Major Upton?

- Sounds like Mr. Armitage.

- Good morning, Major.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Armitage.

May I introduce-

uh? Oh.

- The papers have gone.

- What?

The papers have gone.

They were stolen last night from your new safe.

- Oh no, I don't think so.

- They were stolen.

From your safe.

- Foolproof.

- Stolen.

- If that is so, I can assure you we will find them

and return them.

Forthwith.

You're quite sure they haven't fallen down the back?

- Stolen.

- Mr. Armitage, I do think it's rather unfair of you

to come in here.

Do sit down.

Stolen.

- Please, sit down, and let us calmly sift the evidence.

Have a chair.

- I have never in my life met such a rundown

bunch of morons.

- Oh.

I do beg your pardon, Mr. Armitage.

I'm afraid I rather lost my temper.

Do forgive me.

- Those papers have been stolen

and I want them back.

I can assure you that is

one of the finest safes in the world.

In fact, it is the finest.

I am one of the few people in the country familiar with it.

And, as of last night, I really don't know.

I don't know.

After last night.

- These are the papers.

- What?

- These are the papers that were stolen from the safe.

-Ah.

Stolen.

I said we would find them.

And we have found them, forthwith.

- Why are they here?

- Quite.

- Quite?

Why are they here?

Why are they here?

One thing at a time, if I may say so.

- Why are they here?

- Now, look here, Mr. Armitage.

If you'll just look through those papers,

I will be with you in one moment.

Hamilton!

Hamilton.

Yes, sir?

- Were you in Armitage's house

when you phoned me last night?

- Of course, sir.

- What?

- 'Course.

You told me to go there.

- I what?

- You most certainly did, sir.

You said go to Armitage's house,

open the safe,

and take out the papers.

- I did not.

- You most certainly did.

Then I called you to find out how to open the safe.

- I know but I never told you to break in.

- Yes you did, sir.

- Did I?

I wonder why I told you that?

- Ruddy and precaution?

- Ah, that would be it.

- Seemed very astute to me at the time, sir.

- Wait a minute.

I vaguely remember something.

Upton!

Upton.

- Mr. Armitage.

Oh, may I introduce my number one?

Oh.

- Are you trying to waste my time?

- What?

No.

- What are these papers doing here?

- I sent one of my best men 'round to your house last night

to take the papers from the safe and bring them back here.

- Why?

- Security precautions.

Seemed rather astute.

- Astute?

You instal a foolproof safe and then someone is rumoured

to raid it?

- Exactly.

To begin with, -

- Tip off.

- What?

"Tip Off?"

Oh, tip off, yes.

We had a tip off there was going to be a raid.

So I sent this man to take the papers

and try to apprehend the raider.

Who didn't show up.

- Sounds pretty odd to me.

- Oh, just look here.

When you've been in this business as long as I have,

you know you mustn't trust anyone.

Just think, Mr. Armitage.

We'll have six closed-circuit television cameras

watching day and night.

Six.

The lab will be a fortress.

The entire Russian army couldn't get in.

- Oh yes they could.

- Oh yes, but you know what I mean.

Damn hippies everywhere these days.

Come on,

come on.

- Have a good ride.

Gannet.

Where the devil have you been?

- Um, cold.

- Oh yes.

Hot rum and lemon, Gannet.

Now look here.

I've got a very important job for you.

I want you to come with me to Mr. Armitage's house.

We're going to put the papers in the safe.

One of my best men, Mr. Armitage.

A most loyal trooper.

Ah, thank you.

Now guard these with your life, Gannet.

I want a 24-hour vigil.

- Right.

- Where to, sir?

- Market Harbour.

- Now, Gannet, as my motor car is indisposed,

we're going to travel by omnibus.

- I can't stand them.

Oh please don't make me go.

- What's your game, buster?

- Now, listen, you don't fancy a four week engagement

at the Baghdad empire, do ya?

- I come to correct papers.

- Yeah, well if Major Upton had seen ya,

the game would've been up.

- Have you gets the papers?

- No, I haven't.

And since you lot messed it up,

they've installed a whole lot of new equipment.

I want more money.

More money.

- All right.

I give you 10,000 yen.

- All right, okay.

But I want 200 pounds in cash.

Now.

- Vely well.

But, if anything go long.

If you don't deriver goodies.

My boys will rean on you.

- Ream'?

What?

- La, la, rean.

- Rean.

All right.

I'll get you the gas and the papers in three days time.

- Hello, fellas.

I see you gettin' on with it.

Where's Upton?

- We thought he was with you.

- NO-

Good, good.

Look, you boys can help me.

I want one of those gas cylinders.

- What?

- I want a gas cylinder.

- Why?

- It's a present for my auntie.

- It's impossible.

- I'm prepared to pay.

- But, you already owe me 20 pounds, Hamilton.

- I want one cylinder.

- It's not absolutely impossible.

- 200 quid each, you know.

50 pounds now and the rest later, eh?

- It'll have to be done during the day.

If anything moves at night, the whole place goes up.

- Well you're doing the bloody security, aren't ya?

- What doesn't help is if we got a canister,

we'd never get it past the gate.

Who's that?

- RN“.

Rivit.

Yes, he looks after the animals.

- Does he?

Twit.

Keep the holes small.

- He's got to breathe, hasn't he?

- Well, keep 'em further apart.

- I've got all the stuff.

- Good lad, good lad.

Let's have a look.

- There you go.

- Food. - Eh.

- Coffee. - Eh.

- Reading material. - Eh.

- And,

this.

- I hate dogs.

What's this?

- It's a pantomime skin.

It's the best I could do.

- Yeah?

Put it on, let's have a look at ya.

Very convincing.

Pardon?

- Very convincing.

Oh.

- All right, lads.

Let's have a look at the plans.

What's going on out here?

What are you doing out there?

Oh, Major.

Just something we don't want you to see, sir.

- What?

- Well, it's the fifth anniversary of the firm,

week after next, yeah?

- Oh.

- And, uh, we're preparing a little surprise for you, sir.

I understand.

How very kind.

Deeply touched.

- How are things going at the lab, sir?

- Got most of it there.

I just got the finishing touches.

The cameras is all.

- I see.

Well, congratulations, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

- Goodnight, sir.

- Goodnight.

I didn't see a thing.

- Yippee!

This is a hijack.

Act naturally and do exactly as I say.

Can I help you, sir?

- I've got a wild specimen for Mr. Rivet.

He's a bit peckish.

Oh.

Right, sir.

- You're sure you don't want a little supper?

- Well, if you're going to twist my arm.

- Ah, you want me to twist your arm.

Like this?

- No, no, no, I mean.

It doesn't matter.

- It's so nice to have someone to talk to.

My husband is away such a lot.

- Oh'?

- I wish he were away for good.

I hate him.

- Oh dear.

- I will see you soon?

Don't be too long.

Gannet.

Gannet.

So, there you are, you cretinous little rat.

This is where you've been hiding, is it?

- I couldn't get out.

- You couldn't get out.

Now, listen.

I've got a very important mission for you.

If you screw this up, I'm gonna cut your throat.

Right?

- Right.

- I know when that woman goes to bed.

You go to the study and open the safe.

Here's the combination.

Right?

- Right.

- Look.

Take this camera, photograph the papers,

and then put the papers back.

Right?

- Right.

- Tomorrow morning, Owltruss will be outside

in an invalid carriage at 9:15.

Give him the camera and go back inside

and act as though nothing happened.

Right?

- Right.

Um.

- What?

- How much?

- You mercenary, little swine, Gannet.

- How much.

- All right.

Three quid.

- Oh.

Right.

Any questions?

- I say, that Mrs. Armitage is a little bit of all right,

isn't she?

- Yeah.

- You know.

Dear, Oh dear.

What?

A poof like you?

- I'm not. I could.

- You are. Shut up.

- I'm not.

- You are.

Sh.

Now, remember.

Owltruss.

9115.

Camera.

Or.

Got it?

- I could.

I know I could.

- Stop... stop-

- Good morning.

Hamilton.

Major Upton's number one.

What are you doing, Hobbs?

- Oh.

Frisking you, sir.

Major Upton's orders.

Everyone gets frisked or respective.

- Well, stop it or I'll th, th, th, thump you.

Now, get on the roof and watch for helicopters.

Go on, man.

Move, move.

Goon.

- What can I do for you, sir?

- Cylinder check, Sargent.

I beg your pardon?

- I've come to count the number of cylinders, sergeant.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't-

- Don't argue, man.

Come with me.

Open the door.

- Thank you so much, Sergeant.

Would you just kindly sign this, please?

Full name and address in quadruplicate.

Just to let them know I was here.

- George.

Arthur.

Albert.

Hennel.

Flat 4.

35.

Jude Leaf Grove.

- Thank you.

- Four, six, nine.

Date of birth.

April the 9th.

- Mission complete, let's go.

Hamilton?

- What?

- I can't get it off.

- What?

- The zip.

It's stuck.

I can't tear it.

- It won't budge. - All right, all right.

Don't panic.

When I knock on the door, run like hell for the boge, right?

- Right.

Right.

- Pardon?

- Fascinating game, isn't it?

Sergeant, I seem to have left my hat

in the gas processing room.

I wonder if you can possibly open the door for me?

Could be lapse of...

I don't know why I did that.

Thank you so much.

Do you know I could've sworn I had it with me'?

There it is.

What a silly place to put it.

- Hey, you.

- Ow.

- Hello.

A mouse?

- Say cheese.

- Cheese.

Hello, sailor.

- Happy landing.

Come on.

Put this on.

Come on.

Oh, this poor dumb creature's

got a bucket stuck on his head.

Oh dear.

Is he all right?

Fine, thanks.

- We'll be down the vet.

Wait.

Wait.

Stop.

Where do you think you're goin' with that bucket?

- What? - Pardon?

- You can't walk off with that bucket,

that's property, that is.

- The poor thing's got distemper.

- Keep tellin' them about that.

- Oh bother.

One more heave, Louise.

I would get out and help, but I'm an invalid.

So, see.

- I did.

I must've.

- Hello, darling.

- Good morning, darling.

Just checking the safe, darling.

- Well, there's someone at the door, darling.

You better get some clothes on.

Darling.

- Right.

Darling.

- Oh, good morning, Major.

- Morning, Mrs. Armitage.

Oh, thank you, darling.

We've finally finished side of the lab,

so I thought I'd take the papers back there.

Then you won't be bothered by them.

By us, anymore.

- Oh, it's no bother.

It's nice having you around.

Would you have a cup of coffee?

- Darling of you, but I've got work to do.

- Sure you wouldn't have another cup of coffee

in the kitchen?

- Another time, perhaps, my dear.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- Or, maybe a little drink?

- NO-

Urgent business.

Gannet.

Where are you, Gannet?

- Hearing my maid playing Chopin made me realise

that something was up.

She only played on very rare occasions.

So, I decided to slip into something tight.

Was that wise?

Come out of there, Gannet,

wherever you are.

Quick.

Let me in.

- Ah. What are you doing?

Give me the camera.

- I haven't got it.

- What?

- I've got the papers.

- But, you're meant to stay here.

Drive, drive, drive.

- Thank you, Louise.

Gannet?

Excuse me.

Must go.

Lots to do.

It was at this point I decided

that things had gone far enough.

Why was that lovely detective disappearing

with my mink coat?

So, the Major and I gave chase.

And that was to be my last view of the little home

Jeffrey and I had made together.

Events were beginning to move relentlessly

toward the climax.

I can't stop it.

Have you got the gas?

- Ah!

- And the cameras?

- No, Gannet messed it up.

- I got the papers.

- You twit Gannet.

All right, give me the case.

- No you don't, Hamilton.

Not without us.

I know you're sort, because I'm that sort, myself.

-So am I.

- Look.

I'll collect the loot.

Enough said.

- Hamilton, I wouldn't trust you

with my grandmother's dentures.

- Give me the case.

Well, look, let me put it another way.

- Darling.

What have they done to you?

-Ah.

Hamilton.

You can't fool me with your disguises.

Major.

Major Upton.

Hamilton.

He's stolen the gas.

- What?

- He's stolen the cylinder.

- Oh, that is the most serious accusation.

- Gannet.

- Ow.

- I thought you were one of the unspeakable brown hunters.

- I beg your pardon.

I'm having an affair with her.

- There's something very special between us.

- What are you doing, Hobbs?

- Perhaps I could explain it better if you would

raise your hands above your head.

- What, like this?

You're fired.

You're all fired.

- When will I ever learn?

Where have all the flowers gone?

Ow.

Now then, break it up.

Break it up.

Leave that mouse alone.

Now, which one of you is Hamilton?

- That one.

- I'm Major Upton.

- Are you coming quietly, Hamilton?

- Get off me, you stupid fools.

That's Hamilton.

- Help me, for humanity's sake.

How many roads must a man walk down

before you call him a man?

- Okay, the fuzz, put your hands behind your head

and look natural, else I'll squirt you with this.

- You'll never get away with this, Upton.

I mean, Hamilton.

Okay, Porky.

Throw me the keys.

Thank you.

- I say, Hamilton, I know in for a penny and so forth,

but isn't it, a bit, rather in poor taste maiming policemen?

- Make love, not war.

- What?

Me and him?

- I'll get you, Hamilton.

I'll get you if it kills me.

- Anyone else with moral scruples?

Eh?

Okay, you dirty rats.

Now, you stay back.

Now give me the papers.

I said, give me the papers.

- NO-

- Leave him alone.

- She's with me.

- What?

- We're having an affair.

- You're what?

- Ice cream?

- Okay, buster, come with me.

There's been an accident.

Try the flavour of the month, sucker.

- Quick!

Get after the scallywag.

- We are doing our best, Major.

With the greatest handicaps.

- All my life, I longed to have humanity.

- Get off your stupid suede.

- I'll work the pedals, West.

You steer.

Accelerator.

- Pardon?

- There after us.

Look, turn that bloody thing off.

- I don't know how.

- Christ, I'm numb from the waist down.

I've only been married two weeks.

- All my life, I've been devoted to law and order.

And you policemen

have come along and destroyed everything.

My firm.

You've ruined my firm.

I'll get you.

You, that Hamilton, and waste the filthy, stinkin' vermin.

Are you with me, Hobbs?

- Oh, well.

- Come on out.

Yes or no?

Oh, forgive me, Mrs. Armitage.

I'm afraid I'm a bit on edge.

Would you be very kind and assist me

to the invalid carriage?

Some people are gonna be taught a jolly good lesson.

- Bloody one-way system.

- There she is.

Stop.

Stop, I must have her.

- You'll never get her, man.

Your place is in the transvestite bridge club.

Have you any idea where we're going?

- I can't even see where we're going.

If that's your attitude, Owltruss,

perhaps you'd care to change places.

- Pleasant place, this.

- Yes.

Where's Major Upton?

He went that way in a bath chair.

Come on, everybody into the car.

Come on.

Let's go.

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

♪ When she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪

- Suddenly, we realised the Japanese had borrowed

a fire engine.

For research purposes, I suppose.

And were going licketysplit for the airport.

Following Mr. Hamilton who was escaping to foreign parts

with the gas and the papers.

- I know I'm a good deal older than you, my dear.

But there is a companionship, you know?

I'm not a demanding man.

Say, uh, once every other Friday?

Oh, your moustache is tickling.

I like it, actually.

- He's got his moustache stuck in her ear

and she's just sitting there.

- Shut up and sit down.

- Where are they?

Where are they?

- I know it's no business of mine,

but would the vehicle we're lookin' for be

an off-chocolate colour with the words.

"Upton Security Limited" written on the side

and being driven by a mouse?

Yes.

That's it exactly.

How do you know?

- I passed it 'bout three miles back.

- West, you have the smelliest feet I've ever encountered.

I suppose there's no sign of Upton or Hamilton.

No, there isn't.

Wait a minute.

Armitage doesn't drive a-

He does.

Accelerator.

- Hey, this is ridiculous.

That idiot is gonna follow us all the way to the airport.

I know.

Throw out all the ice cream.

- AYE, aye, skipper.

Bye bye, love.

Bye bye, sweet caress.

Bye bye, happiness.

Bye bye.

How happy, I was.

But if I only had known, at that very moment,

fresh horrors were awaiting us.

Prince Hassein was experiencing difficulties

with his employees.

Al Shutki Airlines request

that the passengers should disregard the present

disturbances.

Normal services will resume as soon as possible.

- What's going on?

- We all go slow.

We are working to move for a collective bargain.

- Oh yeah?

- The bargain is one wife for every statutory hour

worked overtime under paragraph C3 of the agreement.

- You dropped it.

- I will pick it up again.

In my own time.

- Well, don't bother.

I'll take it.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no.

We have entered into contract.

25 new derims for every new piece of luggage carried.

- Take it.

Goon.

- Oh, darling, can't we stay here?

This place reminds me so much of Sweden.

The hum of the insects, the scent of the grass.

- No, no, girl.

No time for that.

Hop in.

After that ice cream.

Al Shukti Airlines announce,

the in-flight movie of the week is Casablanca,

starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman.

- Have you anything to declare?

- NO-

- Have you read this?

Does this case contain any livestock,

meat products,

fish derivatives,

sodium gluconate...

- I'm gonna look for Hassein.

You guard that bag with your life

or I'll give you some of that.

Got it?

Hey, hey-

- Genealogical tables,

table tennis tables,

camels,

camel's hooves,

war goods,

snoots,

quantities of sand paper exceeding 20 kilogrammes

or 17 inches,

whichever b-grade.

- Quick, out the back.

Get the plane ready.

Haifa million.

Straight down the middle.

You and me, right?

- Happy day-

A thousand times, dear boy.

Allah will reward you.

- Hang about, I'll be back in a minute.

Don't go anywhere.

- Hello, Mr. Hamilton.

- No, no.

- Right.

Follow me.

Into the terminal building.

Al Shukti Airlines announces

the departure of flight 239 to Mississippi.

Passengers are kindly requested to go to gate number 2

for immediate departure.

Allah preserve you.

- Artificial ski slope

or cricket pictures made of leather.

Wigs and moustaches, manufactured in...

Hearing aids, glasses,

appliances, religious images,

icons, hair shirts made from any other than human hair.

You're showing this post, sir.

Would you please take a glass of water'?

Cooking stoves, solid fuel burners.

Glass eyes, club feet, magnetic tips,

explaining the mysteries of missionary.

Invertible models of Raquel Welch,

handcuffed bidets.

Jewish midgets on skates,

poisoned unaware.

Bagpipes in the med.

- Well, my husband may have escaped

with his little bit of fluff.

But Major and I were soon to have his gas and papers.

- Portable Zulu ice caps,

mini statues of President Nixon made in bread jelly.

Oh, baby.

- That's where I won, my dears.

Oh, aha!

- Head violins, collapsible Chinese beds.

- Stop-

Stop, fish.

Wait for me!

No.

- Was that the most wonderful thing

that ever happened to you?

- No, but what happened that night was.

Come.

Let me introduce you to my husband.

He's the most marvellous man you ever met.

Darling, I'd like you to meet Miss Evans.

She's a journalist from England.

My husband.

- Miss Evans.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Perhaps you like to join our swinging little circle?

Or a rubber of bridge or little vice bopping.

Anything to pass the time.

Major.

Dinner at eight, please.

- Will do, sir.

Excuse me.

I do hope you won't think I'm being familiar,

but I'm dying for news from home.

We're rather cut off here, you know.

Not even Her Majesty's Christmas broadcast

reaches us.

Oh, I'm Major Upton.

- How do you do?

- I used to own the largest and most responsible

security business in the whole of North Botfort.