Original subtitles

So first I dreamt I was riding a pony.

Woah! Then what happened?

Then I dreamt I was a pony!

Oh, my goodness. You have such a creative mind.

Oh, you're my big girl, Augie.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Oh. How old is your baby?

She's 132 months old.

That's 11 years.

How precious...

and weird.

Okay, time to walk.

Okay, but what do we do first?

Fifty kisses.

Get your grilled witches cheese.

Hot, fresh, and good to eat.

Oh, oh, oh. Can I go get one by myself? Please?

By yourself?

Oh, I don't know, honey. That's, like, ten feet away.

Dad, don't worry. I've got it.

-Plus I'll wear my extra special safety helmet. -[siren blaring]

Okay, be careful, babygirl.

Hey, you, watch out for my daughter, she's walking there.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay.

You get the sandwich, all right.

All right, now it's hot. Now you blow on it, okay.

Okay. Well, she's behind enemy lines in there, okay.

Come back to Daddy.

You come back to Daddy. Three steps more, three steps.

Oh! Oh, I got you. I got you.

Oh, you were away for so long. Oh.

[smooches]

Oh, I love you so much.

I'm your little independent woman, huh, Dad?

So then I dreamt I was a pony.

You so prolific, Yogi.

Oh, my gosh, Yogi. I wish I had dreams.

Oh, hey. Doggie Daddy.

Haven't seen you in a hot minute.

Me and some buds are getting together tonight

for some bowling. How's about you join us?

Yeah, I love bowling.

Back in college, they called me Ten-pin Daddy.

Yeah, Augie and I will see you there.

[coughing]

The cheese made me phlegmy.

Actually, this a grown-ups only type thing.

You could leave Augie home with a babysitter.

Leave... Augie?

Eh, I'm not following.

Just get her a babysitter.

Oh! Okay. So I get a babysitter,

and then you bring her with me and Augie bowling.

-[buzzing] -Uh, no, not all together.

So I stay home with Augie

while the babysitter goes bowling?

-[buzzing] -Leave them home.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So the babysitter stays home,

-while Augie and I go bowling. -[buzzing]

Let me clear this up for you, Doggie Daddy.

Just leave Augie at home with the babysitter,

and then come bowling with us, without Augie. Got it?

A night without Augie?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I guess there's a first time for everything.

-Great. Now get a move on. -[Doggie groans]

They don't call you Daddy for nothing.

Why do they call him Daddy?

Just feels right.

Ah, thanks for babysitting, Jabberjaw.

My pleasure. It's a chance to get all that

hot middle school gossip. [chuckles]

Okay, great. Yeah. I'll, uh, you know,

I'll leave it to it. Yeah.

Oh, hey. You got my cell number in case of emergencies, right?

Oh, we're good, Doggie Daddy.

Great. Yeah. Good. Okay. Yeah. Good.

All right. Leave you to it. Time to go.

So on the subject of boys, you best believe I have a list.

Oh, boy talk. Yeah. You know,

I could stay for that, 'cause, I mean,

there's a lot to talk about. I'm a boy.

Oh, shut your mouth. Go have a good time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

I'm walking out the door now.

I'm on my way out for a night with the grown-ups,

and without my daughter.

Here I go.

One, two...

Hey, guys, look who I brought.

It's my grown up adult friend, Dave.

Uh, adult friend Dave?

He's, uh, he's from out of town, you know?

He's, he's got a big boy job.

I'm Dave.

[all] Dave!

Yes! Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

[softly] They bought it, they bought it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

How's you 401k portfolio?

You've got solid investments?

Yeah, I put all my coins in a piggy bank.

Saving. That's really smart, Dave.

Fore!

And then me said kabunga.

But me barely even kawunga.

I hear you, sister.

Oh, great job, honey.

Uh...

Uh, I kiss all my adult friends when they're successful.

Well, I'm a doctor.

Yeah, he's a doctor.

What's more successful than that?

[retching]

Me successful caveman.

I'm a successful businesswoman.

I have a bowtie.

[all] Where's our kisses?

Oh, well, look at the time. You know, it's,

it's Dave's bed time. Good night, everybody.

Bed time? Look at this guy.

Does he look like a guy that goes to bed early?

Uh, no.

He's a real man, and real men, they, they stay up all night.

Actually, I think they close at ten.

We're gonna rock this place till ten!

Drop the ball!

[all] Rock till ten. Rock till ten.

Rock till ten. Rock till ten.

Rock till ten.

Well, that was the worst night of my life.

But it's over.

So long, Dave.

Honeybunches, breakfast is ready.

There's my baby girl.

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps] What is Dave doing here?

The gang from last night

invited Dave out to brunch today.

-Bye, Daddy. -Brunch?

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Dave's going to an estate sale with the gang.

Estate sale?

[speaking incomprehensibly]

Dave's going out for tapas.

Tapas? [speaking incomprehensibly]

Dave's going to watch football at Tony's.

Augie? She's gone.

I've lost my only daughter.

All because of...

Dave!

[screaming] Dave!

[panting]

[screaming] Dave!

-Duck. Duck. Goose. -[both laughing]

I'm gonna get you, Dave.

Gosh, Dave, you got real limber knees for an adult.

[clanking]

Everybody, I've got an announcement.

-Dave! -That's me.

I realize that before today

my life was like a bowl of sugar cereal.

Sweet, crunchy,

and full of all those weird marshmallows

that aren't soft at all.

And then suddenly I realize

that one of those marshmallows was not a marshmallow.

It was a boogah.

A boogah named Dave in my cereal.

And you try to get the little boogah out.

But you can't. You can't. It sticks to the side.

And you try to flick it,

and you try to grab it with the spoon, but the boogah,

it just keeps going round and round and round.

And then suddenly you've got a whole cereal

that's been contaminated by a stinky little boogah.

So, in summation,

I am not gonna slurp down this boogah serial

and pretend like everything's okay.

Dave, I challenge you to Hock Mar!

-[gasping] -Hock Mar?

What's Hock Mar?

Since the dawn of civilization,

adults have needed a way to settle disputes

through Gigantigolf bowling!

Two contestants enter. Both leave.

I mean, no one gets hurt. This is just a game.

Dave, I'm going to lay this out like a blanket on a baby.

If I win, you're going to take that mustache

and put it straight in that Dave grave

that I dug over there.

And if I lose, I'll go live in that Dave grave

next to the Dave grave that I also dug.

Do we have a deal?

Okay, I'll do my best.

[upbeat music playing]

[roaring]

[birds screeching]

Woah! The final lane.

It's worth a hundred thousand points.

Shunga wunga.

[grunts]

Ah, that was a really nice throw, Dave.

Oh, thanks.

No! That was sarcasm. You were really bad.

And guess what, Dave? I don't want you here.

I don't like you. Because you know why?

You stole my daughter from me.

Doggie Daddy seem like he working through

some personal issues.

Why don't you just call a rideshare and go home?

I wish I had never brought you along!

[crying]

Oh, no, sweetie, I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Dave.

I, uh, thought that was clear

in the way I was angrily addressing him.

I didn't want to have to say this,

but you're being a real boogah in the cereal.

Me?

The boogah?

Oh, my gosh.

I'm no Ten-pin Daddy,

I've been behaving

like a ten-pin doodie.

I don't deserve this victory.

[upbeat music playing]

Doggie Daddy broke a light.

According to the rules of Hock Mar,

that's an instant disqualification.

Dave wins!

[all cheering]

[Boo Boo] Yeah!

Well, this is it.

A daddy without his daughter.

I might as well be dead.

Time to go home, Daddy.

We don't need this anymore.

[gasps] Augie, oh, you're back.

Oh, I thought I was never going to see you again.

Oh, my little starshine, I missed you so much.

I know what'll make you feel better.

Fifty thousand kisses.

Oh, my daughter is back. Oh, she's back.

Hey, you guys seen Dave?

We were supposed to go out for some shabu-shabu.

[theme music playing]