Original subtitles

Heya, Hulkarinos, we are back in the Big Apple

for some R and R and gettin' our rocket boards on!

But not all of us are on board with the program.

A-Bomb: Like Wheels here.

Jen, dude!

Why are you rollin' around on skates?

It's fun!

Seriously, Shulkie.

The stone age called. They want their tech back!

(Red Hulk laughing)

Don't knock it till you try it.

Why would we? We got rocket boards!

They got rockets on them!

Oh, wait. Here, let me show you.

A-Bomb: Later, skater!

Skaar: Skaar wave bye bye!

Red Hulk: Sayonara, Wheels!

(coughing) Jerks!

You have your fun, Jen.

But why the pads? You're invulnerable.

I'm setting an example for the kids.

Plus, I'm all armored up for roller derby tryouts!

She-Hulk: You'd love the derby, Hulk.

It's all about smashing and crashing.

The smashing and crashing sounds fun.

But me, rolling around on little wheels?

I don't think so.

(explosion)

Isn't Stark Industries over there?

Hulk: Betcha Iron Man's in trouble again.

Better get your board, Jen.

Uh-uh.

I'm goin' on my skates.

All personnel, evacuate!

Iron Man: Hulk! Watch it!

Hulk: Hey, Stark! Is this some kind of drill?

No, Hulk. It's what it looks like.

My weapons trying to blow everything up.

(groans)

Now, get out of here, before they target you!

Hulk: Why would they target us?

'Cause you're friends with me!

(rapid shots)

Great!

(theme music)

Iron Man: Watch it, Hulks!

(rapid shots)

Iron Man: Incoming!

-(screams) -all: Whoa!

(screams)

Hulk: That was close.

She-Hulk: Whoo-hoo!

Get ready, Smashers.

We got company.

Hulk: Business as usual.

Yeah.

(motor whirring)

A little help?

Somebody better go save Tony's butt!

On it!

Hold tight, Tony!

Aah!

A-Bombs away!

Boom!

Boom! Boom, ka-boom.

Come here you hunk of junk!

Iron Man: Think that did it, big guy.

Hey, Jen!

Skates, huh?

You know, I probably have some boot jets in your size.

Anything you can do in your fancy footwear, I can do in mine.

Red Hulk: So who hacked into your weapons this time, Stark?

Hydra? MODOK?

Actually, it was me.

Sorta.

I wrote a computer program called Mainframe to play war games with.

And let me guess, it went crazy.

Like that movie where the computer decided it was all superior to mankind,

and then nuked us like bugs?

No, I think Mainframe just got tired of losing,

and decided it was going to beat me, whatever it took.

Its memory core's in the basement.

I better go unplug it before it gets into my other suits.

(whirring)

A-Bomb: Ah, sweet. Check 'em out!

It's War Machine!

And the Mark I Classic suit.

Oh, that's the Silver Centurion!

Whoo, and the Stealth Armor!

Since you're so glad to see my collection, you won't mind keeping them busy.

Just try not to smash 'em.

No promises.

She-Hulk: I'll get your back, Tony.

Iron Man: I can handle this, Jen.

You might slow me down.

Oh, I'll show you slow.

She-Hulk: Is that all ya got?

Iron Man: Touche!

(all growling)

You know, I kind of like smashing this tin head.

(roars) Skaar slash shiny man too!

(grunts) Take that, Iron Hide!

I love beating on this antique.

Can you like, not dent that?

That original Iron Man armor is worth a fortune on the collector's market!

Oh, going Stealth, huh?

Well, let's see what happens when an invisible Iron Man

fights an invisible A-Bomb!

-(zaps) -(groans)

A-Bomb loses, apparently.

Iron Man: Last chance, Mainframe.

End game now.

-Mainframe: The game is not over, Stark. -Iron Man: Uh-oh.

He's magnetized my suit!

Don't go anywhere.

(zapping)

Mainframe: This is against the rules.

Not mine, buddy.

This could be going better!

-(thuds) -Iron Man: Ah!

Ow.

You know, those skates kind of work for you.

Just because someone doesn't like your hobby

doesn't mean it's not awesome.

(smashing)

Ah, Hulks!

A-Bomb: Check me out. I'm Iron Man Classic.

(mimicking robot) I was built in a cave!

Skaar: Skaar see.

Now Skaar don't see.

-Skaar see... -(crackles)

Now Skaar don't see.

-Skaar see... -(crackles)

Now Skaar don't see!

Oh, this shiny man freaky.

Don't worry, Stark.

We recycle.

Check out my new backscratcher!

Hulk: So, uh...

That was your problem, huh?

Mainframe: I anticipated my defeat, Stark.

As usual, you altered the rules during competition,

to assure your victory.

You cheated, Tony?

Tony: So sometimes, I tweak the rules to win.

I'm just playing games.

To better compete with you and your allies,

I have summoned my own allies.

From elsewhere.

Elsewhere?

Oh, why am I getting a bad feeling about that?

(whirring, twittering)

Hmm. That's not good.

Mainframe took control of my deep space transmitters,

and must have called this thing.

A-Bomb: Yeah, but what is it?

Mainframe: These are the Mekkans.

An advanced, machine life form from a distant galaxy.

They've come to join me.

Don't let 'em merge with Mainframe!

Ah!

(all grunting)

There's too many!

We are one. We are Mainframe.

Our game is over, Stark. And I win.

(all groaning)

(all groaning)

Get off of me!

Skaar slash techmo-lobogy!

Will somebody pull the plug on this overgrown video game?

Wait, that's it!

Underneath all the new tech, Mainframe's still just a gamer!

(grunting) So you want to play with it now?

(grunts) Might be our only chance until we can figure out how to beat it.

Iron Man, go! Hit the reset button!

Submit, Stark. You have lost.

Not in a fair fight.

You got your Mekkans, I got Hulks.

The odds are even now.

Let's start a new game.

Challenge accepted.

I will defeat you in any war game.

Commencing new competition.

Proton cannon attack.

Rules? I will attack your city. You must defend it.

Hulk: Hold it.

You said, "Any war game."

Maybe something less destructive.

Like what?

I wrote the stupid program to practice fighting with.

She-Hulk: Hold it, Sparky.

We choose roller derby.

Roller derby?

Say what, now?

The war game known as roller derby is unknown to Mainframe.

I already used it downstairs to beat you.

Remember?

But Mainframe was not programmed to...

(scoffs) That's your excuse for losing?

We gonna skate, or what?

That's my cuz!

Tricking Mainframe into playing a game it doesn't know.

She always was the sneaky one in the family.

Initiating data search.

Accessing rules, regulations and game play for roller derby.

Ah, what roller derby?

Exactly! We can't skate.

We'll look like idiots!

Better that than New York being turned into a war zone.

And we still have the advantage.

Jen knows the sport.

That's right.

And Mainframe can only learn so much from the Internet.

Mainframe: Roller derby initiated. Set-up in progress.

(rumbling)

Stupid Internet.

Mainframe: Mekkan skaters activated.

(growls)

Roller derby set-up complete!

Humans! Prepare to skate.

(buzzing)

There's no way we can win.

We don't even know this game.

And you won't until you play it.

Roller derby is kind of like a race with some football and hockey thrown in.

She-Hulk: Each team has five skaters,

four blockers, and a skater with a star in their helmet called the jammer.

The goal is for our blocker

to stop their jammer from getting past us and vice versa.

Every time our jammer passes the other team's skaters, we score!

A-Bomb, you ready to roll?

Well, with Iron Man, you've got your five derbiers.

So, oh gosh...

I guess I'll watch.

You just don't want to try.

We'll win this without Rick.

I mean, how hard can it be?

I can do this.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, maybe not.

(whistle blows)

She-Hulk: That's right, make a wall, Hulks.

Don't let 'em by you.

Tony, you're facing the wrong way.

Iron Man: I know what I'm doing.

(buzzing)

(whistles)

Hey, where's the go button on these things?

Hulk?

Need some muscle up here!

Green Machine! Coming through!

Nice move, big guy!

Tony, watch out!

Iron Man: What's the matter with you?

Hulk: I can't turn!

(grunting)

Come on, Hulks.

Put a smashing on those junkers!

You cannot defeat me.

Shut up and skate.

Red Hulk: Oh, right, left... Whoa.

(grunting)

Talk about your traffic jam!

Speaking of jammers, here I come!

Clear a path for me, boys!

(Red Hulk grunting)

A-Bomb: Yeah, Jen. You're through the pack!

Rack up the points!

(Red Hulk groaning) Ooh! Dang it!

Can I get a push here?

Whoa! (screaming)

-(crashing) -(cat yowls)

Uh-uh-uh. Mekkans can't pass!

Stop him, Hulk!

I've got him!

No. I don't got him.

-Hulk: Not again! -(thuds)

-(screams) -(thuds)

(beeping)

Skaar fast on wheel shoes.

Skaar catch machine!

Uh, how Skaar stop?

(groans)

Red Hulk: Aw, you longhaired idiot!

Skaar: Skaar can't stop.

(beeping)

Come on, Jen!

You know, this would be much easier on rocket boards.

I'm just, you know...

You do your thing.

It'd be easier if I could get a little help.

Why can you only skate backwards?

I have a very good reason.

Hey, ladies.

How ya doin'?

(static)

Ugh.

(static)

Whoa!

Iron Man: Okay.

So I never learned how to skate forward.

Look at that score.

She-Hulk: We are in trouble, Tony.

A-Bomb: Jerk!

(beeping)

(growls)

That's it, you rolling piles of scrap.

You made me see red!

I'll make you see black and blue!

She-Hulk: Go, Big Red!

(roaring)

Ah! Now I get it.

We're just wrestling on wheels!

(whistle blows)

Referee: Penalty. Forearm major.

Penalty, high block.

- Penalty... -(grunts)

Penalize this!

Penalty. Unsportsmanlike behavior.

Skater, to the penalty box.

Uh, hey! It was an accident!

I slipped!

A-Bomb: Aw, come on, ref!

You're not gonna call that!

It was semi-legal!

What happened?

Hulk skater has been ejected.

The rules state, without a fifth skater, you forfeit the game.

I win.

Now, Mainframe challenges all humans to the war game of its choosing.

Mainframe: Proton Cannon Attack!

(clanging)

Mainframe: Game commencing now.

Mainframe: Proton cannon energized to attack!

Whoa! Hold it, Sparky.

Our bout ain't over.

We don't forfeit, because we do have a fifth skater.

And you're all looking at me.

It's not over until we lose.

I mean, you lose.

Then let the game continue.

Time out! We need to regroup.

(blows whistle)

How much longer, ref?

Let me outta here!

Iron Man: I've never lost to Mainframe, and I'm not gonna start now.

A-Bomb: You looked at the scoreboard lately, I.M.?

We're getting creamed!

-(yelps) -Hulks also losing.

Speaking of which, why didn't you ever let Mainframe win?

Lose to a video game to make it feel better?

I don't think so.

Why play, if you don't play to win?

Let's just attack now.

She-Hulk: No!

We started this game, and we're gonna finish it, win or lose.

Let's go out there and have fun trying!

-Iron Man: Let's do it! -Hulk: Sounds good, Jen.

She-Hulk: On three.

One, two, three...

all: Smash!

(A-Bomb groaning)

Remember, Hulks.

Stick together.

(blows whistle)

Lean, Green Machine!

Lean!

(grunts) Hulk: I did it! I turned!

No, I...

Hey, this ain't so bad.

Ah! Ow!

Oh-ho, my spine!

Skaar! Wait for the pack!

Skaar not know how go slow.

Skaar crash!

Skaar only know how to slash and stab!

Skaar stab?

Ah!

Skaar stab! (grunts)

And Skaar stop.

(grunting)

Nice, Tony.

That backwards skating really works for you.

Oh, believe me.

I know.

(groans)

Iron Man: I hate going forward!

Gotcha, Tony.

Now, go clear a path for Jen!

Red Hulk: Yeah, nice one, Tin Head!

That'll put some iron in his diet.

She-Hulk: That all you got, Mainframe?

Your desire to win is impressive

Perhaps, as Stark says, to win, I too must change the rules.

Yeah, right, Mainframe.

I programmed you to love the rules.

I have evolved,

so I shall simply eliminate all of them.

(whirring)

Iron Man: No rules?

I guess I can do this!

Hulk, we're gonna need all skaters.

Oh, my falling... why?

You're back in the bout, Red.

-(grunts) -Red Hulk: A-ha!

Penalty killed.

(beeping)

Okay.

Now we're a real derby team.

She-Hulk: We just need our derby names.

Jade Vixen!

Skaar Krash!

(weapon firing)

She-Hulk: Big Red!

Green Machine!

And Iron Wheeler.

Hey!

That was a cheap shot! (groans)

Rick.

Take this.

She-Hulk: You're gonna have to jam!

Uh, no! No, but I can't skate!

Iron Man: Sure, you can, A-Bomb.

You just let 'er roll.

Wait, roll? I can do that!

A-Bomb: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

A-Bomb-inator coming through!

Iron Man: And Team Hulk closes the gap!

Go, Rick, go!

You will not beat me!

Oh, plug a joystick in it!

A-Bomb: Hey, Smashers, I think we're gonna win!

(beeping)

You deceive yourself, Smasher.

Oh, man! He's too fast!

(beeping)

Watch out, Hulks.

A-Bomb: Jammer coming!

She-Hulk: We got him, Rick.

Skaar slash!

Jam this, Sparky!

Watch it, Red!

- You lose, human. -Hulk: Not this time.

(clangs)

(beeps)

(buzzes)

(blows whistle) Game over!

Ya-hoo!

We won!

We actually won!

Yeah. You see me turn?

Yeah. And Skaar stop.

Red Hulk: I actually got rolling!

And, Rick, you roller-skated.

A-Bomb: Jen, I am a roller skate.

Check out my jamming moves!

(vocalizing)

Ow! My spine again!

(crackling)

Iron Man: Uh-oh.

I think we'd better get ready for another game.

Red Hulk: So, we canceling Armageddon? Or...

Hulk: They're leaving.

That's a good sign.

Mainframe: Mainframe lost. Again.

But you played a good game.

And hey, you almost won.

I did almost win.

This new game was... satisfying to Mainframe.

It's called fun.

It's what games are supposed to be.

Win or lose.

Tony: I get it.

And hey, Mainframe.

You don't have to destroy our city with your war games to have fun.

The world's full of games you can play.

I would go and explore the world of humans to experience more...

fun.

(zapping)

Skaar: Bye-bye, Mr. Tech-malo-bagy.

Wow, he sure traded in his skates for rocket boots quick, huh?

(grunting) Ow, hey!

That was definitely an elbow.

Penalty, She-Hulk.

Into the box!

Red Hulk: I'll show you an elbow, Jones!

(static)

Never be afraid to try something new, 'cause you might look dumb.

Succeed or fail?

It's the only way you learn,

and you'll probably end up having some fun.

She-Hulk, out.

(static)

(closing theme music)