Original subtitles

(heroic music)

Hey, Hulkarinos. Yeah, we are still wanted fugitives,

but life on the run doesn't have to be all bummer all the time.

Look, we're having a Hulk-sized weenie roast.

(sizzling)

Dude, you're gonna burn yours, like always.

-I know what I'm doing. -Stubborn.

I heard that.

-(Devil Dinosaur grunts) -(Skaar munching)

Skaar want more. Skaar want more now.

Yeesh! Learn some patience, already.

You're worse than the lizard, here.

Aw, leave him alone, Shulkie. You ain't so perfect yourself.

At least I'm more perfect than you.

See, that's your flaw, right there.

You're too competitive.

So what? Everybody's got flaws.

Except me, of course. I am perfect.

Yeah, a perfect egomaniac.

(growls)

Not to mention that hot-headed temper of yours. Whoa!

Well, your flaw, Jones, is you can't stop flapping your yap.

A-Bomb: I got a lot to say. Get off of me!

-(all speaking indistinctly) -Break it up, boys.

No, stop it, stop it.

Can't we all get along for one night

-without smashing each other? -(clamoring)

(grunts)

That's it! I'm gonna make this team cooperate

if it's the last thing I do!

All: Stubborn.

What, you think that's my flaw?

That...

and you can't cook.

I'm not stubborn. I'm just not a quitter.

Why should I give up when I don't have to?

(radio static)

A-Bomb: Well, it's my S.H.I.E.L.D. scanner.

I synced it to my tablet

in case any reports come in on The Leader.

Mayday! Mayday! This is Nick Fury

with an all-points distress call.

The Tri-Carrier is under attack.

I am ordering all personnel to evacuate.

-(thudding) -(Fury struggling)

Who could hit S.H.I.E.L.D. so hard they'd be forced on the run?

We need to get up there and help.

Wait, no. It can't be.

(roaring)

It's us!

(theme music)

She-Hulk: Hulks to S.H.I.E.L.D. Tri-Carrier,

this is S.M.A.S.H. Jump Jet incoming, over.

Fury, do you read?

Does someone wanna tell me why we're headed toward the guys

that want to lock us up and throw away the key?

'Cause whoever's impersonating us has access to a flying fortress

that can level an entire city.

Either that, or the whole fake-us attack footage was a fake,

and we're walking right into a trap.

Hulk: There go the escape pods.

If it is a trap, they did a Hulk's worth of damage

to make it look real.

(all grunting)

Well, defenses are still active.

Hang on, I'm going in.

Red Hulk: Watch it, Shulkie. You're gonna crash us, as usual.

Want to have a piloting contest? Oh, it's on.

Sit down, Red.

Time for Skaar to buckle up.

Red Hulk: She's coming in too hot.

(grunts) Out of the way. Let me drive. Ah, come on!

Only one too hot around here is you, lobster face.

Will you two knock it off? This ain't another competition.

Uh, guys, maybe this isn't the best time to be arguing.

Both: Quit your yapping, motor-mouth.

-(alarm blaring) -Both: See what you did?

(growls)

A-Bomb: Well, we're definitely going down, now.

Abandon Jet!

Hulk: I'm not giving up the Jet.

This is no time to be stubborn. We need to bail.

Skaar bail.

Hulk: I can do this. Hold together, baby.

Wait. You're gonna need a rocket-board, kneejerk.

A-Bomb: Whew! That was close, but we made it.

Hulk: But now we're gonna need a new ride.

She-Hulk: Guess everyone bugged out.

(laser guns firing)

A-Bomb: Not everyone.

-(glass shattering) -(roaring)

Fury, what happened here?

You monsters are too slow. I'm all that's left.

You'll never get control of this ship.

(groans)

A-Bomb: But it wasn't us!

We're innocent.

Forget it, he's out cold.

Red Hulk: Whoever's impersonating us is gone.

Hulk: How's he doing, Jen? Gonna pull through?

(beeping)

She-Hulk: It's just a mild concussion,

but it'll be a while before he can tell us what went down here.

Red Hulk: So maybe his security cameras can do the talking for him.

(beeping)

Display all Hulk-related footage from the last 24 hours.

Hulk: Abomination!

General Blonsky reporting...

with prisoners.

Scaly man. Skaar slash! (grunts)

Easy, Shaggy. It's just a hologram.

(Skaar groans)

(sighs) Impulsive as ever.

(alarm blaring)

Tri-Carrier computer: Initiating replay of 0800 hours.

Hulks brought on board Tri-Carrier in the custody of Army personnel.

Red Hulk: Well, that definitely wasn't us.

Skaar slash... Skaar?

I did your job for you, Fury.

All five Hulks apprehended single-handedly.

(groans) Can you believe this?

I know, right?

Can you imagine the webcast I could do with this tech?

"Hulk, and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.,

in fully immersive, interactive 3-D!"

Abomination: If you need me, I'll be at the White House

collecting my medal from the President.

Didn't know they gave out medals for capturing phony Hulks.

Something tells me Abomination was after more than a hunk of tin.

Red, switch to the detention deck and fast-forward a few hours.

Tri-Carrier computer: Initiating replay of 0900 hours.

No way these cheap knockoffs were strong enough

to break out of those fishbowls.

Even we're not strong enough to break out of those fishbowls.

Speak for yourself, kid.

(growls)

Tri-Carrier computer: Warning, threat level one escape in progress.

All security to the detention sector.

A-Bomb: Pretty convincing knock-offs.

What are you talking about?

Your twin didn't yammer on enough to convince me.

Yeah, well, your twin was hot-headed enough to convince me.

(crashing)

That is some sick, interactive 3-D right there.

The real me ain't dumb enough to bust out of the stockade

then charge right back in.

(groans)

These aren't holograms. This is real!

A-Bomb: Dude, they are exactly like us.

Red Hulk: Let's get those fakers.

(grunting)

Unless they get us first.

(growls)

Red Hulk: Here they come.

What are those things?

Whatever they are, they're strong as us.

Gotta lead them away from Fury.

Everyone, pick a partner and smash.

Fake Hulk: Hulk, smash!

Fake A-Bomb: A-Bomb's away!

Oh, you wanna play some A-Bomb b-ball?

Prepare to get schooled, poser.

-Fake Skaar: Skaar slash! -Skaar: Skaar slash more!

Fake Skaar: Skaar slash!

Fake She-Hulk: Oh, it's on.

Wait, do I really say that?

(grunts)

Fake Red Hulk: Here's Red in your eye.

They got our lines, our moves, and our muscles.

Fake A-Bomb: A-Bomb's away.

A-Bomb: Wait, you look like me, so your momma would probably

look like my momma, so...

-Oh, that doesn't... -(thwacks)

-(crashing) -(cat yowls)

Skaar: A-Bomb talk too much.

-No, sword! (grunts) -(gas splattering)

Don't get stuck in airplane.

(grunts) Skaar need sword to slash, now!

Skaar, look out! (groans)

(groaning)

(sword clanks)

Skaar got sword back.

That's what you get for leaping before you look, nature boy.

-(Red Hulk groans) -Here's Red in your eye!

Red Hulk: You lousy pretender.

Get this through your thick, fake skull.

Nobody gets the drop on the one and only original me!

Especially not some two-bit clone.

(Red Hulk grunting)

(yelling) I hate clones!

(crashing)

Hulk, smash!

Ah, smash this.

(roaring)

(groaning)

(crashing)

(grunts)

Where are you? What are you?

Premise. How does one defeat monsters?

Conclusion. By building better monsters,

hence these dopplesmashers.

Leader. Should have known.

You also should have known that all the time

you behemoths kept me prisoner,

I was studying all your flaws, foibles,

and idiosyncrasies.

The Leader: Abomination was kind enough to procure

these S.H.I.E.L.D. Life-Model Decoys,

which I programmed to exploit those very flaws.

(grunts)

Then we'll just swap dance partners.

Red Hulk: Do-si-do, dog-boy!

(growls) Faker!

(grunting)

Whoa!

(thuds)

The Leader: Brilliant, Hulk, except I saw it coming a mile away.

Dopplesmashers.

You pathetic ogres, so predictable,

so easily distractible.

Uh, anybody see my double?

Oh, it's on.

(crashes)

(all shrieking)

-Grab on! -(all grunting)

Hulk: Hang on, Smashers. I'll pull us up.

Tri-Carrier computer: Warning, weapons activated.

Red Hulk: Uh-oh, that's not good.

Tri-Carrier computer: Target acquired.

Why are they aiming at a mountain?

That ain't just any mountain, kid.

Red Hulk: That's Cheyenne mountain, as in NORAD headquarters.

The control base for all of the army's nuclear missiles.

Let me guess, Leader and Abomination

want to nuke the nukes and trigger World War III.

Then they'll take over what's left.

Oh, and blame us for starting the whole mess.

And he calls us predictable.

None of this would have happened

if you weren't such a pig-head, Greenie.

Well, better a pig-head than a hot-head.

There you go, running your mouth again, Rick.

Skaar want patience. Skaar want patience now!

Enough!

Forget our weaknesses, and focus on our strengths.

We're a team. Now pipe down and start swinging.

Stubborn to the end.

I heard that!

(all grunting)

(alarm buzzing)

Tri-Carrier computer: Warning, Tri-Carrier on collision course.

Impact in T-minus five minutes.

(loud thudding)

(crashes)

Now, let's show them how a team smashes.

Red Hulk: Here they come.

(splattering)

(Fake Hulk grunts)

Oopsie-daisy, Nick. Aha!

This looks like a good hiding place.

Yeah, he'll thank me later.

(grunting) If he doesn't put you in front of a firing squad first.

Fake Red Hulk: Here's Red in your eye.

Here's green at your back.

Oh, it's on.

Looks like the morphing metal bot can't decide who to smash.

But we can.

Step one, soften him up. Step two...

Hulk's team smash!

Skaar: Oh, looky.

Tech-mo-lo-budgy hiding inside goo.

(thudding)

Looks like we ain't the only ones teaming up.

They're all over, Greenie.

-Fake She-Hulk: It's on. -Hulk: Get off of me!

Hulk: Hulk smash fake Hulks! (grunts)

-Hulk, smash! -Uh, you can stop now, big guy.

If these things were just liquid metal, what was powering them?

Watch it, Jones. That's a portable gamma reactor.

-Ew! Sorry, I asked. -(crashing)

Oh, figures. Leader always has a back-up plan.

And that's enough radiation to set off World War III.

But I don't want to live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland

with giant mutant cockroaches.

Quit your yammering, Jones.

The reactors are completely harmless.

Unless...

(reactors powering up)

(beeping)

Unless they're set to explode.

(beeping)

Skaar slash blinky boxes.

She-Hulk: Bad idea,

unless you want to turn blinky boxes into boom boxes.

Please tell me you can disarm them.

'Course I can.

(beeping)

(Red Hulk groans)

Just not in four minutes, 45 seconds.

Then we'll have to make sure

they blow up outside of Earth's atmosphere.

How? This ain't no missile silo.

What about the Hulk containment chambers?

Got rockets on 'em to shoot us into space

in case we got too frisky.

So, what are we waiting for? Let's load 'em and launch 'em.

(mechanical whirring)

A-Bomb: Oh, seriously?

Who puts robo-legs on gamma reactors?

(Skaar giggles)

That would be me.

However, runaway reactors

are about to become the least of your problems.

The Leader: I had my dopplesmashers program the Tri-Carrier

to crash into the NORAD nuclear bunker as a failsafe.

You see, unlike yourselves, my plan is flawless.

She-Hulk: You know what your flaw is?

(grunts) You talk too much.

-Like A-Bomb. -Hey!

Hulk: Jen, take the helm.

We'll round up the reactors.

I've never flown anything this big.

You mean crashed anything this big.

She-Hulk: That's it.

I'm done competing with you and your swelled red head.

You wanna fly this crate, be my guest.

Uh, no. No, I'm good.

Well, then, go make yourself useful, General.

(metal clangs)

(frizzles)

Sometimes it pays to keep your mouth shut.

Huh, who knew?

Skaar... (sniffing)

Skaar: Not slash.

(grunts)

Skaar patient.

(crashes)

Hulk: You're not getting away from me.

(groans) I see you.

(grunts)

I'm gonna smash all of ya.

Huh? Hmm.

Gotcha!

I know,

I should have just locked 'em up in the first place.

Maybe I am a little stubborn.

Whatever you boys are doing, do it fast.

I can't hold this million-ton bird in the air much longer.

Red Hulk: Working on it, Shulkie.

-Red Hulk: Move it, troops. -A-Bomb: Bombs away.

You know, because they're bombs?

Incoming.

(metal clatters)

(beeping)

Okay, Red. Start the launch.

(grunts) I'm locked out of the system.

Oh, right. My bad.

-Jones. Big dummy. -(beeps)

Tri-Carrier computer: Purge sequence initiated.

(beeping)

(explosion)

-Yes! -Oh, yeah!

-Outstanding. -Skaar like!

A-Bomb: Okay, that can't be good.

I can't pull up in time. Need more power.

Get to your rocket-boards, now!

(grunts) Hulks are the strongest there is.

A-Bomb: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(laughs) Lucky you got me around.

Oh-ho, still the one-and-only Smashers.

Skaar: Yeah, Hulks!

(all grunting)

-Hulk: Jen! -(circuits crackling)

-(Skaar sniffing) Jen? -(She-Hulk coughing)

Jen?

Any landing you can walk away from.

Dude, you were epic.

Jen rocks.

Technically, crash-landing is still a crash, Shulkie.

Ow!

Oh, think you could have done better, tomato face?

And you call me the hot-head.

Oh, you two. (sighs)

Abomination: Attention, Hulks!

Surrender yourselves now.

We have you surrounded.

She-Hulk: I'm guessing they're not here to thank us.

Fury: You monsters are in a world of trouble.

Oh, he's definitely not here to thank me.

What's it gonna be, Hulks?

Skaar slash.

Not this time, Shaggy.

First, I wanna talk to my lawyer.

We're innocent.

You got no authority over me, Fury.

I'm a general. You're a director, whatever that is.

I outrank you.

(footsteps clanking)

A-Bomb: Hulk-Busters.

Red Hulk: At least we'll go down fighting.

No.

Hulk: I give up.

We surrender.

-Say what, now? -Now is the time to be stubborn, Hulk.

No, it's not.

Take 'em down.

-(grunts) -(electricity zaps)

Fury, the truth will come out.

(helicopter whirring)

Hmm.

A-Bomb: I can't believe it. We're going along quietly?

-A-Bomb: We never go along quietly. -(laughs)

You know we can bust out any time we want, Blonsky.

Yeah, but we're gonna play this one by the book.

Nobody's perfect.

Me and my team have flaws,

but we always do the right thing,

or at least try to,

and we're gonna keep trying.

Hulk out.

(closing theme music)