Original subtitles

(heroic music)

Red Hulk: Incoming, Greenie!

-(rumbles) -(Red Hulk laughs)

Ha! Missed.

Don't worry, Hulkies. No one was in that thing.

Just taking a break from follow-The-Leader to play a little "dodge train."

Red Hulk: Iron canons loaded with 50 tons of steel locomotion.

Let's see you dodge this, Shulkie.

-Who's dodging? -(thuds)

You're out, Rulkie.

Hands up, Skaar.

(grunts)

(thuds)

Hulks train with trains.

(chuckles)

Been using this old depot as a hideout

while we're on the run from...

everyone.

But keeping the team strong can still be fun.

Plus it keeps us pumped up and gamma ripped.

Hulk: Yo, Red, diesel engine comin' your way.

Red Hulk: Back at you, Greenie.

Throw a big one next time, huh?

Oh, come on, guys.

I'm strong enough to play on the big-boy court.

Work within your limits, Rick.

Aw, no train, no pain.

Red Hulk: Incoming, Jones!

Oh, no problem, Red, it's easy--

(thuds)

(laughing)

(coughs) I just slipped is all.

Face it, kid,

strength is not your strength.

She-Hulk: You've got other strengths.

I mean, turning into a ball is really...

Round. (laughs)

A-Bomb: And lame.

-A-Bomb: Hey! -Come here, ball boy.

So, who's up for a little dodge Bomb?

Crazy.

A-Bomb: Come on, guys, I hate ball sports.

-(grunts) -(whirs)

(thuds)

-(roars) -A-Bomb: Devil, no, no!

A-Bomb: That is it. Course correction time!

(grunting)

You kind of deserved it.

What is that?

(distant whooshing)

We got incoming!

I got it! I got it!

(rumbles)

Yeah, so I don't got it.

Rick!

(theme music)

Hope he balled up in time.

(groans) Ow.

A-Bomb: I'm okay, okay?

-(growls) -A-Bomb: So, what hit me?

Whatever it is clearly targeted our location.

Flamey space ball from Leader?

Some new military Hulk-busting weapon, more like.

No.

Looks like something

-alien! -(hissing)

Agents, smash!

Take it apart, Hulks.

(whirring)

(grunting)

(buzzing)

(dings)

(grunts)

Rick! Look or ball up.

-Uh-uh. No lame roly-poly powers. -(thumping)

A-Bomb, smash!

-Whoa! -(rumbles)

(buzzing)

Hulk: Time to knock its block off.

-(grunts) -(crackles)

(siren blaring)

Someone wanna tell me what that was all about?

(crackles)

(speaking alien language)

translator: Local combat dialect found.

Translating...

Xemnu: Listen up, Earthies.

This is Xemnu,

the undisputed fighting champion of the galaxy.

On a thousand worlds,

I've never been defeated in physical combat.

I've heard rumors about you so-called Agents of S.M.A.S.H.

So, I sent my scout-bot to assess your strengths.

Xemnu: You passed.

Most of you.

So what'll it be, Earth-wimps?

You accept Xemnu's challenge?

Or are you too weak?

No time, no interest,

and nothing to prove.

So, do us a favor and get--

-Your furry, white butt down here! -Rick!

Yo, the Agents will take you on anytime, anywhere.

Let the record show that the challenge has been accepted.

No one accepted anything.

Too late to wuss out now, green one.

Choose your Earth combat arena.

New York, Las Vegas... What'll it be?

Sahara desert,

where no one will get hurt,

except you.

Xemnu: Then we shall battle in the Sahara in one hour.

For the fate of the Earth.

So says Xemnu.

She-Hulk: Um, the fate of the what?

(laughs nervously)

Red Hulk: Thanks, spike-for-brains.

Now we've got to go take down this space wackjob before he messes up Earth.

Rick, never let your mouth make promises your fists can't keep.

Hey, I'm sick of being called a weakling.

I'll prove I'm strong enough to play with the big boys.

(A-Bomb scoffs)

A-Bomb: No show!

Yeah, I scared him off.

(aircraft whirring)

Xemnu: Get ready, Earth.

Here he is.

Champion of a hundred galaxies.

Xemnu the Titan!

(canned applause)

Of course, he wears fur.

I am also known as Xemnu the Undefeated.

Xemnu, The Living Hulk.

Wait, what was that last one again?

(thuds)

Huh. I was told there'd be some Hulks.

Guess they run smaller in these parts.

There's five Hulks here.

And you ain't one of them.

A-Bomb: Oh, nice waist-wear.

Xemnu: Hey, like it?

It's yours, if you win.

In all the universe,

there's no greater symbol of strength.

She-Hulk: So, let me get this straight.

If you win, you destroy our planet.

And if we win, we get a belt?

He who wears this belt

is the undisputed champion of the Cosmos.

Plus, it does this...

(beeping)

Xemnu: Simple ring, for a simple species.

Hmm.

Xemnu: Today's match, Xemnu versus Earth's furious foursome.

"Colonel Crimson."

"Jade Maiden."

"The Manimal."

"And the Green Monsoon."

A-Bomb: Oh, I get it.

Saving the Blue Bomber for the main event.

Right?

Sorry, boy, cool name,

but the rest of you is weak sauce.

You'll get ringside seats, though.

(grumbles)

(bell dinging)

Oh, no,

we're not letting you end this fight quick.

I want a piece of this loudmouth.

-Skaar: Hey! -I got this.

Red Hulk: Let's go, furball!

Ooh, Colonel Crimson.

That's four-star general to you.

-(thuds) -(groaning)

Xemnu: Boo!

Ready to surrender, soldier?

(grunts)

Nice move.

Here's mine.

It's called gamma blast to the face.

Ooh, never bring a gun to a slug-fest, Colonel Cheater.

Disqualified!

-(thuds) -(groaning)

(rumbles)

Oh, Red should have creamed him.

-I'm going in. -No way.

I'll soften up this wannabe for ya.

(grunting)

(yells)

Next up, the Manimal!

You hurt Skaar's red friend.

Now Skaar hurt you!

-(Skaar grunts) -(sword clangs)

Lose the knives, choppy. You could get hurt.

(shatters)

(growls)

-(grunting) -(clanging)

You remind me of the savage beasts I fought on Badoo.

-Ferocious, brutal, incredibly stupid! -(yelling)

(tumbles)

Hulk: That's it.

I've been watching his moves. I can take him!

No way, Rick. Jen, wait!

Now entering the ring, to clean this creep's clock,

Jade Maiden!

She-Hulk: Brace yourself, tough guy.

(grunts)

-(thuds) -(groans)

Oh, feisty.

Actually, I have a rule of never punching a female of any species.

Don't hold back for little old me.

Of course, that doesn't go for

-kidney-elbowing! -(thuds)

(groaning)

-Pile driving! -(groaning)

And my own signature knee-knocker.

-(thuds) -(groaning)

(grunts)

Those are all fair.

(growls)

(thuds)

Oh, now you've done it.

Get ready for a Hulk-sized beatdown, yak-face.

Ah! At last! The headliner.

Xemnu versus the Green Monsoon.

The irresistible force meets the immovable object.

This is the match I've been waiting for my whole life.

It'll be over quick.

-(thumping) -(grunting)

Xemnu: Come here!

Yeah!

(high-pitched scream)

Time for my finishing move!

(rumbles)

Yeah!

(rumbling)

(breathing heavily)

Oh, man, what a letdown.

He knock out Hulk?

Nobody knocks out the Hulk.

Ever.

You'll pay for that!

Sorry, junior, you don't even rate an exhibition round.

-(thuds) -(A-Bomb screams)

Xemnu: Let my undefeated record show,

the Hulks of Earth have lost!

(groans)

Oh, what hit me?

Same thing that's about to hit Earth.

(screams)

(rumbling)

(all groaning)

-Xemnu: Break, planet! Break! -(rumbling)

-(grunting) -(thumping)

Hmm.

Not quite the sweet spot I was hoping for.

But every world has one.

I'll find it.

You can't destroy Earth.

There are billions of people here.

Xemnu: If you were so worried about your people,

you should not have accepted my challenge.

Red Hulk: A-Bomb, you big doofus.

This is all your fault.

I didn't know what we were fighting for.

(vehicle whirring)

(tense music)

My tooth!

That was no fair fight.

She-Hulk: Tell me about it,

the creep went after my knees.

He fights dirty.

No one, and I mean no one,

ever owned me like Xemnu did.

So much for the strongest one there is.

Guess no matter how strong you are,

there's always somebody stronger.

Time to sulk later.

This guy's a real world threat, and we've gotta find him.

(beeping)

Scanning for any seismic activity.

(scanner beeps) Got a hit.

Unusual quakes emanating from a rift valley in Iceland.

This mid-Atlantic ridge is a meeting of two major tectonic plates.

-Oh, no. -That's what he meant by "sweet spot".

He cracks that rift,

it'll split the Earth like a coconut.

Yeah, yeah, so we gotta stop him.

-But how? He nuked us last time. -(groans)

She-Hulk: So, we call in some more muscle.

Thor, Power Man, the Thing.

Who all know we're wanted by the army, remember?

By the time we convince them, it'd be too late.

I was the bigmouth who put the entire Earth in jeopardy.

If I wasn't such a weakling, I could make it right.

Well, I always say, when you're out of dumb ideas...

try something dumber.

(tense music)

A-Bomb: Here goes nothing.

(beeping)

Computer: Danger. Radiation levels rising.

(powering up)

(beeping)

-(beeping) -Guys...

I'm getting reports of tremors and tsunami forming all along the ridge.

We're out of time. Full throttle.

(engine cranking)

-Someone set the gamma core to overload. -(alarms beeping)

I'm losing power.

Where's Jones?

Rick!

Hulk: He's gone into the reactor.

Red Hulk: Exposure to that much gamma radiation

could fry him.

What's that blue goon think he's doing?

Re-creating the blast that changed him.

Shut it down! Now!

-Skaar, slash! -(crackles)

(smoke hisses)

Skaar shut down for good.

(engine whirring)

-(alarm beeping) -Everyone brace for impact.

In three, two, one...

(crashing)

(rumbling)

Guys, guys, I'm okay.

Uh...

No, I'm not.

(growls)

Rick, what have you done?

Just made myself the strongest one there is.

So long, A-Bomb.

Hello, Uber-Bomb.

Whoa... I just gotta adjust...

(shattering)

Uh, hi, Jen.

Rick?

-What happened to you? -(crashing)

There is such a thing as too strong, Rick.

No way.

I've just gotta get the hang of--

-Whoa! -(clanking)

Nice. We only have one jump jet.

Hmm...

Jump jet.

(loud thudding)

Yah-ha-hoo!

Red Hulk: Well, at least the kid's saving us some gamma power.

-(Xemnu grunting) -(rumbling)

-(grunting) -(thumping)

Uber-Bomb: Yo, ugly!

Hulks? Shouldn't you be wallowing in humiliating defeat

or evacuating the planet, or something?

Ain't gonna be no evacuation.

Gonna be a grudge match.

So, the towel boy rises to contender?

Let the brawl begin!

(bell dings)

-(growls) -(thuds)

Ooh. Finally,

an opponent with the strength to offer a true challenge.

Winner take all?

I intend to, yak-face.

-(thuds) -(grunts)

That actually hurt.

It's awesome!

-Do it again. -(thuds)

(crashing)

Jen, Red, Skaar, there are cities up there.

Brace up the sides.

(all grunting)

Rick, you're doing more harm than good.

Use your camo powers.

-(straining) -(power crackling)

Ew, gross.

I can see what you had for lunch.

Mmm, hot dogs.

(grunts)

Nah, no can do.

I lost them.

Oh, do we need a potty break here?

-The only thing that's gonna break is you. -(footsteps approaching)

-(grunting) -(thumping)

(cracking and rumbling)

(cracking and rumbling continues)

Whoa.

Thanks for the assist, blue guy.

You're even better at world-wrecking than I am.

Whoops.

This place is tearing itself apart.

Yeah, glorious, ain't it?

But we can still finish our fight before the world ends.

Sorry, fight's off.

Xemnu: Not an option. I challenged, you accepted.

Now, we finish.

(cracking and rumbling)

(grunts)

Rick, stop helping!

You're the only one who can hold off Xemnu.

(growls)

-(grunts) -(thuds)

(rumbling)

Hulk: That's the idea, Rick. Smash that creep.

But I keep making things worse.

Maybe strength isn't my greatest strength.

-(warbling) -Suddenly don't feel so good.

(groaning)

Little A-Bomb's back.

Fighting at that power level must have

used up all the extra gamma radiation in your system.

So, now I'm in trouble.

No, now you're A-Bomb.

You have other strengths. Use them.

Back to your weak, wimpy self, I see.

Disappointing.

Yeah, I guess... So, I guess the fight's off, huh?

Alas, the fight must continue.

It'll just be quicker and less fun.

Careful, Jones, he'll cream ya.

He can try.

-(roars) -(whirring)

-Xemnu: Hey! -A-Bomb: Later, skater.

Xemnu: Hey, kid. Don't you want that shot at my belt?

A-Bomb: Wahoo-hoo!

Not really. But I'll take your ride.

-(thuds) -Xemnu: No, you won't!

(rumbling)

(crackling)

Red Hulk: The Earth is cracking like an egg.

And we can't stop it.

I got an idea.

Hulk: Up there! That suspension bridge.

Whoa! What do you think you're doing?

This is against the rules.

Now, we're playing by my rules.

(gasps)

(engine whirs)

(tense music)

We've got to keep this fissure from spreading.

Hulk: Skaar, Jen, grab a cable and pull.

(rumbles)

Made it! (gasps)

(panting) The blue area of the moon.

Oh, nothing can get broke up here.

-(groans) -Slam!

Except you.

And after you are defeated,

I've got a front row seat to the end of your world.

Oh, that's gonna be tough, once I give you the beat-down of your life.

(laughs)

You couldn't before.

What makes you think you can do it now?

You're weak.

-(crashing) -What's this?

Xemnu: Hey, where'd you go?

(whirs)

Peek-a-boo. Got my powers back.

-(whirs) -(thuds)

(groans)

My scout-bot didn't report these abilities.

-(thumps) -(grunts)

A-Bomb: That's because I didn't realize how strong they are.

See, I've finally realized...

Strength isn't how hard you can hit or how much you can lift.

It's what you can do with what you've got.

(whirring)

(rumbles)

Cease these cowardly tactics!

Show yourself!

A-Bomb: Oh, you wanna see me? Fine. How are you at ball sports?

-Xemnu: I don't play! -(thumps)

A-Bomb: We call this game "Dodge Bomb".

-(thuds) -(screams)

A-Bomb: And you're out.

(rumbling)

I did it.

Oh, yeah! Defeated the strongest dude in the galaxy.

A-Bomb: Oh, I forgot.

Earth!

-(rumbling) -(grunting)

Hold on no matter what.

(straining) Can't. It's slipping.

We're losing it.

(whooshing)

We got incoming again.

A-Bomb's away!

(rumbling)

-Yeah! -(rumbling)

Red Hulk: Jones did it!

That ice should fill the rift.

Uh-oh.

She-Hulk: Whoa.

(rumbling)

(groaning)

(grunting)

(growling)

(rumbling)

(heroic music)

Dude.

(electronic clanging and beeping)

-(thumping) -(grunting)

A-Bomb: Undefeated. Oh, eat that, big guy.

I picked the strongest fighter.

I guess strength isn't everything.

Oh, yeah, sure, says the guy who pulled the entire Earth back together.

(whooshes)

(distant crashing, rumbling)

(smoke hissing)

A-Bomb: What do you want now, Xemnu?

Another championship fight?

Xemnu: Xemnu is no longer the champion.

You are.

-(thuds) -(A-Bomb yelps)

A-Bomb: That's pretty heavy.

I've been defeated.

My quest to be the strongest has failed.

No more will I challenge worlds...

or destroy them.

-Well, that part's good. -(clanking)

Hey,

why don't you come over here and chill out with us for a while?

(tense music)

-This is more enjoyable -(videogame playing)

than actual combat.

Shall we play for stakes?

If I win, I destroy your sun.

How about you get the last donut?

Xemnu: It's on!

(videogame clanging and thumping)

-(A-Bomb grunting) - Knew the kid had more in him.

He's full of surprises.

Maybe that's his greatest strength.

(crashing)

Like I always say,

speak softly and carry a big smash.

Hulk out.

(closing theme music)