Original subtitles

(ominous music)

(whooshing)

A-Bomb: Oh! Shaky enough for you, Leader?

How can he sleep through this storm?

I haven't been this nauseous

since I swallowed a mouthful of Ego's big, snotty, green--

Oh, man, I'm gonna hurl.

Don't do it, Rick.

Jones is gonna spew again?

Come on, Shulky, keep the boat level.

(grunts) Believe me, I miss the Jump Jet, too.

Leader's ship handles like a rusty shopping cart.

Yellow, get in mouth! (grunts)

We've been lost in space for a while now,

and the team is starting to get homesick.

And seasick.

Soon as I clean up these barf bags, I'll send out another distress call.

Wastin' your time, kid.

Thanks to Leader, everyone on Earth thinks we're criminals.

They don't want us to come home. We're doomed.

-(clanking) -Hmm.

Come here, you!

Red Hulk: Watch it!

Hey! What's the big idea?

You wanna mope around, Mr. Crabby-pants? Fine.

But remember, you used to be an army general

who inspired his troops.

So don't go bringin' 'em down with ya.

I'm just tellin' 'em the truth!

Haven't you noticed everything keeps getting worse?

This is hopeless!

COMPUTER: Exiting magnetic storm. Ship stabilization initiated.

Communication restored.

Hulk, get up here.

We've got an incoming transmission.

Cap to Hulks. Can you read me?

(all cheering)

Greetings, smashers. Boy, am I glad to see you.

We've been scouring the galaxy for months.

You're a sight for sore eyes, Cap.

We're based on a nearby planet.

I'll transmit the coordinates. It's time to get you home.

About time.

Red Hulk: Got a lock on Cap's signal. It's comin' from straight ahead.

(suspenseful music)

(heroic music)

A-Bomb: Whoa! Check out our high-profile welcoming party!

(gasps) It's all five of them!

Huh. What's with the new hardware?

Who cares? The Avengers came lookin' for us!

Feels like a dream, Cap.

You're not dreaming. You're under arrest.

(theme music)

(growling) Under arrest?

For your crimes back on Earth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, we were framed for the destruction of Vista Verde.

This is a ginormous misunderstanding.

We've got Leader locked up on the ship.

(grunts) We'll prove it.

-Come on. -But you also have weapons on that ship.

And resisting arrest makes you hostile.

So, Avengers, attack!

(all groaning)

So that's why they brought out the heavy artillery.

To bring us down!

-(Captain America grunts) -Time out, Cap!

Last thing I wanna do is swing on a friend.

We are not your friends.

-(electricity crackling) -(groans)

Lousy Avengers. (grunts)

Earth doesn't give a spit fleck about us, unless it's to put us in the slammer.

Right, Stark?

What? You run out of witty banter, robot pants?

What happened to a fair trial?

A-Bomb: Since when does Mr. Arrows use a gun?

A-Bombs away!

Take it easy, Widow.

Avenger or not, I will putt you into orbit!

(Skaar growls)

Hey! Hey, whoa!

Skaar hate pointy fly sticks.

-(clanging) -(grunts)

I'm gonna lose my temper in about three seconds.

-Three! -(both screaming)

That ain't Iron Man! We've been had!

They're Skrulls!

The Skrull, evil, intergalactic,

prune-faced shape-shifters always messing with Earth.

Also, they smell like stinky feet. (flies buzzing)

(all grunting)

I knew that Red hair was fake.

Red Hulk: And I knew this was too good to be true.

I was right. As usual.

No one would go this far out of the way lookin' for us,

unless it meant trouble.

This whole planet is probably Skrull central,

and we've walked right into their trap!

Best strategy now, hop back on that ship

and blast off this pointy-eared hornets' nest.

Hold it, Red. If the Skrull did lure us here,

chances are they're after Earth again.

Yeah? Well, what has Earth done for us lately?

-I'm outta here! -(Hulk grunts)

You're not goin' anywhere, Captain Negative.

Hey! That's General Negative to you, soldier!

Star-Lord: Hey, Hulks!

The Guardians of the Galaxy?

A-Bomb: Gamora, deadliest woman in the universe.

Groot, some kind of giant tree dude.

Drax, basically, the Guardians' version of Skaar.

Rocket, a talkin' raccoon with big guns.

Oh, yeah, never call him a raccoon.

And Star-Lord, the half-human leader of the bunch.

Those aren't the Guardians. It's more Skrulls.

I'm not fallin' for that again, you clay-faced creeps!

Rocket: Watch it!

-Hold up, Red. They might be-- -(groans)

Cease fire or get spanked.

A-Bomb, Skaar, Jen, lock the phony Avengers on our ship.

We'll handle these fakers.

You heard him, Smashers. Move!

(grunts)

Can Skrulls usually do that?

It'll be the last time this one does it. (grunts)

Come and get it! (groans)

Strange choice, taking on the Hulks' form, this far from Earth.

(grunts)

We're the real thing.

So enough with the masquerade. The jig is up, wannabe Shulky.

(groans)

I am Groot.

Hulk smash Skrulls!

-(grunts) -(groans)

Skrulls definitely can't do that.

Guardians, these are the real smashers! Stand down!

(roars)

Hulk, it's really us. We fought The Collector, remember?

Had Christmas dinner in a crummy diner in the desert.

Any of this ringin' a bell, big guy?

(exhales) Collector?

Christmas? Oh, yeah.

Hulks, stop fighting.

See? Some people do care about us.

Thanks for answering our distress call.

Distress call? No.

We've been monitoring this sector for weeks.

Got word the Skrulls are tryin' to build some kind of super soldiers.

"See? Some people do care, blah, blah, blah."

So, we all know we're the Guardians.

How about provin' you're all Hulks?

Come on, smashers. Tell him something only a Hulk would know.

Hmm.

Well, I know the little raccoon there would make a good hat.

Yup. That's the Red jerk, all right.

Guess we should have studied harder...

before we took your friends.

(all gasping)

Skrull: We only need the ones with gamma energy.

Destroy the rest!

I am Groot!

(roars)

Where are my friends?

(groans) We don't know.

-(bone cracking) -(groans)

If they ain't gonna talk, let me take my temper out on 'em.

Sorry, Red. But Groot hasn't had breakfast yet.

And he likes when his food has some fight in it.

I am Groot.

I'll talk. Your earthlings are on a ground transport train to the hive,

headed that way.

Skrull: Their gamma energy will be harvested for use in a weapon.

-Weapon? -(zaps)

-We got a train to catch. -(both groan)

My ship is built for combat missions. I'll drive.

(whooshes)

Star-Lord: You find it, Rocket?

Rocket: Give me a micro-sec, will ya, flyboy?

The thick vegetation on this mud ball is jammin' the scanners.

(blows)

Red Hulk: We ain't never gonna get home.

At least you got a home to go back to, angry one.

Name's Red.

Or if you wanna get technical about it, it was General Thunderbolt Ross.

Four stars.

I, too, have a title. I am called The Destroyer.

Ooh, fancy. I like it.

There she is.

Wow. That looks less like a train

and more like something I'd flush down a toilet.

Hmm. Don't suppose you got a giant boot we can drop on that snail trail.

Star-Lord: Incoming!

Rocket: Take evasive action... or not.

Uh, we're crashin'. Go!

Red Hulk: Hey, you raisin heads!

Guess what? I shoot back.

Me, I just smash.

(skrulls groaning)

Hulk: Keep the pruneys busy.

-We're gonna go find A-Bomb and-- -(shouting)

Super-Skrull!

All this time, searching the cosmos for you,

and you come right to us.

Now, for an easy revenge.

Revenge for what? You tried to destroy my planet!

You still cryin' about me kickin' your fake butt?

(all grunting)

(liquid bubbling)

Take that as a "yes."

(groaning)

New plan. You three find the others.

We'll handle Super-Skrull.

Yeah, I bet splittin' us up is the surest way to-- Huh? Fine.

I am Groot!

-(grunts) -Hold him, buddy! I'll blast him.

(groans)

(growls)

Rocket: Take that, you fantastic fake!

(grunts)

Groot! Whoa!

You'll burn, along with your tree.

Hulk: Tree? Haven't you heard?

He am Groot!

(Red Hulk yells)

Hey, try and keep up! And bring some firepower next time!

(grunts) Aren't you the whiner who said splitting up was a bad idea?

(grunts)

A general, he calls himself.

-(snort, spits) -Hulk: Wait up.

Super-Skrull's down.

-Where? -Hulk: Right here.

(grunts)

(both groaning)

These are green, too. So they must have gamma as well.

Lock 'em up.

A-Bomb: You know, if they can change into any shape they want,

why do they run around looking like moldy raisins?

(Red Hulk grunts)

-What took you so long, pouty pants? -(Red Hulk groans)

Wow. I'm actually glad to see you. Hey! What about the chains?

Keep your pants on. Let me free dog-boy first.

Phony Red.

(Red Hulk groans)

Red Hulk: You dummy!

That was the real Red.

Uh...

(grunting)

(growls)

(gasps) Huh?

Super-Skrull: Behold!

My winged minions come to end your journey.

This is where you get off.

(chuckles, grunts)

Rocket: Oh, man. I hate bugs.

Star-Lord: Rocket, blast the Skrull while you can.

Rocket: I got his smug chin in my sights.

(screeching)

(all screaming)

(all groaning)

(rumbling)

Thanks, big guy.

You know, you're the only green thing I don't want to put a blaster into today.

Rocket: It's hopeless. The jetpacks are fried.

We're stuck here.

Red Hulk: Gets worse.

Dog-boy kicks me off the train.

Your two bruisers were about as useful as the bunion on my big toe.

I am Groot.

Uh, thanks for clearin' that up.

No guns, no ride, outnumbered,

and stuck with a talkin' tree and a rodent.

You wanna go, you cranky old goat?

Yeah, come on! Let's do this, cuddles!

-Oh, let me at him! I will pulverize him! -(growling)

-You hear me, buddy? -Hey, things stink right now.

That's all the more reason to keep hope alive and stick together.

It's not all bad.

I'll bet this swarm is border patrol for their base...

Which should be close.

I'm gonna guess that that there is our hive.

Red Hulk: And there's a Skrull takin' a dip.

And check out those weird pods on the top of the towers.

Hulk: Something's moving around inside of 'em.

-Rocket: Wait a minute. -(binoculars whirring)

-Focus. -(binoculars whirring)

-(binoculars whirring) -Rocket: Focus.

-It's them! It's the Hulks! -(pod whirring)

(all scream)

Disgusting. What are they doing? Givin' 'em a reverse bath?

It's Gamora and Drax in the pod next to them!

Hulk: At least they're alive.

(monster groaning)

(roaring)

For now.

The Skrull are zapping the gamma right out of my Smashers.

Red Hulk: Turnin' themselves into what? Skrullks?

One guess as to what the beast is for.

The Skrulls have had their eyes on Earth for a long time now.

So what's the plan?

Ain't no plan for this scenario!

Hey! Our friends down there need us!

You didn't get your medals out of a gumball machine, General.

We can beat these odds.

Hate it when greenie's right.

Time to quit belly-achin' and execute.

One difference between me now and me then...

(grunts) Bigger guns.

All right. Those shape-shiftin' swamp bats

have one tactical advantage workin' for 'em.

Camouflage.

We gotta beat 'em at their own game.

Can't believe this was my idea.

Hulk: Smells like someone left a dirty sock

full of mayonnaise in the sun.

Red Hulk: (groans) Just wait till you get it in your mouth.

(gagging)

-(electricity crackling) -(both screaming)

-(electricity crackling) -(all groaning)

We gotta hurry.

Hey, this is fun and all, but does anyone else feel

like we're havin' the power sucked out of us?

'Cause I think that's what's happening.

Skaar not like being battery.

Uh-oh.

Looks like the Skrulls figured out

Drax and Gamora don't have any gamma power to steal.

Take them to the disintegrator pit.

-Hey, team ugly! -(grunts)

Let 'em go . or I'mma come over there and...

And I'll-- Jen, help me finish this threat.

Uhm, makin' 'em giant isn't enough. They gotta give 'em hammers, too.

Hulk: And I'll bet you that ship is bound for Earth.

Not with those goons on it! Charge!

(Hulk grunts)

Uh-oh.

(groans)

(grunts)

Give me that. Nice one, jade-jaws.

Let me show you how it's done.

(growls)

Get off me, you shriveled little knobs.

(grunts) Whoa, whoa!

-Red Hulk: Oh, hey! -Now!

(machine powering up)

(all groaning)

I am Groot.

(growls)

I am Groot!

Heck yeah, you are.

Surprise! We knew this was your big day and planned something special.

-(groans) -You don't stand a chance against me.

Look around you, human.

That's "half-human."

And when I look around, all I see is your plan going down in flames.

(grunts)

We're gonna need some muscle on those big creatures.

They believe us Hulks,

then we shall smash like Hulks!

(groans)

(groaning)

(laughing)

Is that all you got?

Go get some more guys. Make this a fair fight.

-A-Bombs away! -(whooshes)

-A-Bomb: Whoo-hoo-hoo! -(growling, thuds)

(A-Bomb laughs)

-(groans) -(thuds)

Double hit! I love this tree.

A-Bomb, where's the Super-Skrull?

Getting his butt super-whipped by Star-Lord and Rocket.

Alone? Without their weapons?

A-Bomb: Oh, yeah. Probably the opposite.

-(explosion) -(grunting)

-(grunts) -(thuds) (grunting)

-Huh? -(grunts)

Guardians of the Galaxy. You hardly live up to your name.

Wrong.

Star-Lord: And the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. live up to theirs, too.

Thanks, Hulk. I almost had him.

Until he busted out the combined powers of the Fantastic Four on us.

I'll handle him. You two find a way to blast that invasion ship.

Try and stop me.

(Skrulls growling)

(growling, grunts)

Let's get him, troops!

-(all groaning) -(thuds)

A-Bomb: They're too powerful.

You gotta fight fire with fire.

You wanna torch these monster island rejects?

Not quite.

Cannonball!

Red, no!

Red!

(laughing)

That pool contains raw gamma energy.

-(electricity crackling) -He'll be consumed!

Melted to slag!

(yelling)

Your friend still lives?

Looks that way, don't it?

Hey, creeps! Get ready to see big Red!

(all grunting)

-Drax: Well done. -Gamora: Impressive.

-I am Groot. -Yeah, Red, bring the pain!

Show 'em what's up!

(groans)

-(groaning) -(thuds)

How are you planning on blowing up their ship with no explosives?

It's got a power source and wires. What else do I need?

-(beeping) -Uh-oh.

(beeping louder)

-Rocket: You might want to run! -What?

(explosion)

Super-Skrull: Grow as big as you want.

We have the numbers.

Yeah, but we got the heart.

(loud explosion)

Red, alley-oop me!

(grunting)

(groaning)

(all groaning)

Rocket: That goop was made to merge with the Skrull physiology.

Good thing he used up all the gamma, punchin' the prunes.

Just lucky you ended up back to your normal size.

(groans) I haven't felt this nauseous since that chimichanga eating contest.

Hmm. And you still lost that.

But this day, you have won.

Well done, General.

You saved a lot more than the day. This could have been a lot worse.

(Red Hulk groaning) I'm not gonna make it!

(groaning, panting)

Star-Lord: This nav drive contains a star map

to get you back to Earth.

Good luck out there, Hulks.

(Red Hulk retching)

(toilet flush)

Oh, you hear that? We got coordinates for Earth, sucker!

You are goin' down!

Red Hulk: Punch it, Shulky. Let's go home.

That loudmouth Red remembered who he was today.

A hero, who knows holding onto hope is the key to--

-(Hulk grunts) -Blah, blah, blah.

Hulk out! (laughing)

I always wanted to do that.

Red Hulk, over and out.

(closing theme music)