Original subtitles

Ladies and gentle-hulks of all shapes and sizes,

I give you the mighty,

the mystical, the magnificent...

(fanfare music plays)

A-Bombo the great.

(A-Bomb coughing)

Thank you, lovely assistant She-Hulk.

(applauding)

For my first trick, I need a member of the audience.

You, green hulk-ish fellow. Think of a card, any card.

Hmm. Let's see.

Okay, got one.

Is it...

This card?

-(A-Bomb stammering) -Skaar: Oh!

A-Bomb make cards fall down!

(groans)

Uh...

That's not right.

(claps)

Oh, man, bring out the ventriloquist act.

This is painful.

Give him a break, Red.

He's been practicing for a while now.

Okay, maybe I've only been practicing a week.

But how hard can this magic thing be?

I read, like, ten books.

Okay, I copied some guy I was watching online.

But he was awesome.

The classic, sawing your assistant in half trick.

You sure about this?

Trust me, there's fake legs in the bottom.

I got it all worked out.

Faint-hearted members of the audience, I suggest you look away.

Ah...

(saw rasping)

Hey, I can feel the saw.

A-Bomb: Funny, it didn't look this hard on the internet.

She-Hulk: It's not working, A-Bombo. I'll just hide in the box.

A-Bomb: Uh, for my next trick,

prepare for your minds to be blown

as I make the lovely She-Hulk disappear from the mystical box

and re-appear into that box across the stage.

Awesome.

Why don't you make yourself disappear?

One more peep, and I'll make my fist disappear in your face.

That would be magic.

A-bomb-cadabra.

Hmm.

Ah!

Hmm.

Hello? Did you forget somebody?

Skaar: She-Hulk alive! Magic!

(laughs) Magic.

(Red Hulk groans) I'm out of here.

Worst magic show ever.

Hulk: Hold up, Rick.

I asked an old magician pal over to give you some pointers.

Maybe take you under his wing for a few days.

If A-Bomb really wants to learn, he's in for some hard work.

This is a man who spent years studying magic.

In all of its forms.

(whirring)

Hulk: You can call him Doctor Strange.

Whoa.

(opening theme music)

Dude! I mean, Doctor... Strange.

That's one of the coolest tricks I've ever seen.

It's no trick, A-Bomb.

I've mastered the mystical arts.

The willful manipulation of reality at the quantum level.

It's science, not trickery.

Oh, no, I get it. Stage magic is like the basics of real magic.

And you are gonna help me get my wizard on.

-Are you sure about this, Hulk? -Hey, you owe me.

So give the kid a chance. I bet you he'll surprise you.

That's what troubles me.

Prepare yourself, A-Bomb, for initiation into the great art.

(chiming)

A-Bombo disappear!

(A-Bomb shrieks)

(laughs) That was so cool! Can we do it again?

Are we in your super secret lair?

Yes. Welcome to my Sanctum Sanctorum.

And now... Wait.

Doctor Strange: Did you bring cameras with you?

Check it out, Hulkies.

Doctor strange aka the Sorcerer Supreme

is gonna teach me how to teleport.

It takes years to master traveling spells,

I was thinking of starting small. This way.

A-Bomb: This is so cool!

Do us both a favor and don't touch anything.

These are magical relics, not common trinkets.

-Doctor Stanger: Understood? -(groans)

A-Bomb: Not a problem, Doc. Won't touch a thing.

Doctor Strange: The entire sanctum is a mystical gateway to other realms.

It was constructed to keep

the inter-dimensional entities they contain

from escaping into our world.

That's why you must touch nothing.

Whoa, Jen would dig this. She's into antiques, too.

Not the Mirror of Amathea. It creates your moral opposite.

-Ooh, that's a good trick. -Get away from it!

(growls)

(grunting)

A-Bomb: I hate having to fight someone as good-looking as you!

(yelps) Doc, I'm pulling me into the mirror!

I summon the Enchanted Chains of Astaroth.

(groans)

(grunts)

(growls)

Be gone! I banish you both back to the mirror realm!

(crackling)

I said don't touch anything.

And you keep touching things.

I'm sorry, I... I just...

This was a mistake.

I thought you could be a help while I attend to important arcane matters,

-but now... -Please, dude.

I mean, Doc. I'm just curious.

Hey, why don't we take a shortcut?

You could loan me one of your crazy magic necklaces.

That's not how magic works.

The Eye of Agamotto is an ancient mystical relic, not a toy.

It can access infinite dimensions.

And, no, you cannot touch it.

Wow, you read minds too?

Awesome!

If you're going to work with me,

know there is no quick and easy path

to master the mystical arts.

Doctor Strange: Let us begin your lesson with a small list of simple tasks.

Oh, cool, like demon-banishing and potion-making?

What? Sweep floors?

Dust shelves?

Vacuum?

These are chores!

There is no greater lesson

than the one found in the mundane, my young friend.

Oh, but, but...

(growls)

(distant gunshots)

(laser firing)

Hulk: Annihilus, annihilated!

You're ka-doomed!

Hulk: Blastaar, blasted!

Absorb this, Creel!

(grunts)

Hope A-Bomb's okay.

Strange isn't an easy guy to get along with.

Way I see it, Rick's getting the weekend at magic camp

while we're stuck training.

Gotta stay sharp. Hone our skills.

Speaking of, where's Red and Skaar?

Skaar: Skaar make magic fire!

Skaar magic man!

Red Hulk: My head burning ain't no magic trick!

I'm gonna mangle you, Skaar!

I'll tear ya limb from limb!

(grunts) Really?

You know, maybe we all could use a break.

Let's go check up on Rick.

(sighs) This isn't learning mystical arts, this is slave labor.

A-Bomb: Ooh.

Maybe I can find a shortcut in here.

A wind spell. Great idea!

I'll blow the dust right out the door.

Ceekeatar...

Cinsatta...

(stutters) Cincinnati?

(thunder crackles)

(wind howls)

Ooh, I did it!

Oh, who needs studying? This stuff is cake.

Oh, what did I do?

Okay, there's gotta be a reverse spell in here.

Um... Magana...

Sarana... Banana?

Cinsatta cinsatala!

A-Bomb, there are

no shortcuts.

Doctor Strange: Mastering the mystic arts takes patience.

Start by focusing on what you are doing in the now.

Then teach me something! Anything!

Just keep at your chores and pay attention to what you're doing.

I am overly occupied.

The forces of Dormammu, the evil one, are rising.

So if you bother me again, I am turning you into an iguana.

Okay, okay, talk about touchy.

All I did was ask Doc if we could take a pizza break.

(A-Bomb sighs) Seriously?

(groans)

Come on.

(groans)

"Merkava vee."

Oh, sweet! I'm learning spells.

This is so cool. Doc! I did it!

Doctor Strange: Seravata, kasala...

A-Bomb, what are you...

The spell's been broken! Get away!

(growls)

(Doctor Strange yells)

No!

It's all my fault.

The Doc told me he needed to focus, and I messed him up.

It's not like you meant to banish Doctor Strange

into a dimension of pure evil or anything.

But he did.

Dimensional door? Give me a break.

It's all Vegas tricks. Smoke and mirrors.

And you bought it, A-Bomb.

Magic real.

Try and remember the spell Strange said that opened the portal.

I can't remember.

I checked the cameras. They all glitched!

Wait a second.

Doc pulled out a book

when he was lecturing me on being a total mess-up.

Come on.

A-Bomb: Got it! This is it.

I saw that guy. Door-mommy or something.

Dormammu.

She-Hulk: Let me see that.

"...a powerful being trapped in the infernal Dark Dimension,

"forever trying to break down the magical barrier to earth.

Dormammu would conquer the lives of all mankind."

(mockingly) Ooh, the boogeyman's coming to get us.

Yeah, and the only person who could stop him was Doctor Strange.

No, we can too.

But I won't let Strange be stranded in that Dark Dimension a minute longer.

So get cracking on that book, Rick. Now.

I'm on it.

(rustling)

-How we doing? -Okay, I think... I think I have it.

Servassia...

Sava sarata-sana?

(burps)

-Skaar: Magic! Magic! -(crows cawing)

Skaar: See, Red?

Red Hulk: Ah, ya bombed me, you dang-blasted poop-hawker!

Uh, zervassin...

Zervasseen?

Is it with a "sin" or a "seen"?

Uh, a beard?

-(laughing) -Are you serious?

I am not having this waxed.

Neesaverx?

Hey... Hey! What's going on here? Hey!

Uh, zervassy? Zervacious?

Neesaverx?

(groaning)

Stupid parlor tricks.

Focus, A-Bomb. Take your time.

Servassa...

Sava...

Zara-tasama...

Seraveen.

A-Bomb: Huh?

-Yes, I did it! -Hulk: You three stay here.

Smash anything that comes through that isn't me or A-Bomb.

We'll find Doctor Strange.

-Hulk: Whoa! -A-Bomb: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hulk: Welcome to the Dark Dimension, Rick.

A-Bomb: This place is blowing my mind, Hulk.

Seriously freaking out.

Just keep your mind on our mission, Rick.

A-Bomb: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

-(shatters) -Huh?

-(roars) -(yelps)

Hulk: Will you stop goofing around?

Hulk: Strange? That you?

Um...

(A-Bomb gasps)

What the heck are those?

Whatever they are, they look pretty smashable.

Good thing I can do a trick, too.

Bibbity-bobbity-bash!

A-Bomb's away!

Boom! Oh, these guys are kind of fun to break.

(A-Bomb grunts) Hey. Oh, hey, wait! Hey, wait!

Rick!

Magic real. Look at sparkly door.

Yeah, Red. How can you think magic is bogus

when you're staring into a dimensional gate?

So strange has a fancy light show.

Big whoop.

I'll find the off switch and show ya it ain't real.

Yeah? And I suppose they aren't real either?

Huh?

Red Hulk: That's a good trick.

(footsteps rumbling)

Get off of him!

Thanks, big guy.

(grunts)

Doctor Strange: Back into the shadows, foul one!

It's Doc Strange!

And door-mommy!

Hulk: Dormammu.

This is the end, Dormammu.

Even if I have to give my very life, I will keep you here forever.

(groans)

You lowered your defenses, mortal.

And I won't stop until all the lives on earth are mine!

Beginning with yours.

-(chiming) -(grunting)

(Dormammu laughing)

Doctor Strange: Beware, Dormammu. Beware the Eye of Agamotto.

(grunts)

Doctor Strange: By the light of all that is good, I strike thee!

(Dormammu groaning)

Hulk: Get him, Doc!

(screaming)

(groans)

(gasps)

Hulk: I got ya!

Can't believe you came. How did you do it?

I opened the door, boss-man.

Doctor Strange: Excellent. And you closed it?

A-Bomb: Uh... No.

Not good. Dormammu's hordes will march on earth.

Can you teleport us, Doc?

Too weak.

My battle with Dormammu drained my strength.

This is my fault.

Should've been me who got Rick to practice,

instead of shoving the job off on to Strange.

Doctor Strange: My powers are slowly restoring.

I can feel the portal growing close.

Hulk: And there it is. Let's move. We're almost out.

(all grunting)

(Red Hulk roars)

Where do these things come from? An assembly line?

She-Hulk: It's about time!

Can someone close the door now?

Xerasala.

Xala xalaveen!

(wheezes)

(groans)

We did it. The earth is safe.

(sighs) I'm sorry, Doc. It's all my fault.

I quit. I learned my lesson.

Dormammu: No. No, you haven't.

Not yet.

(Doctor Strange screams)

Red Hulk: Ah, enough with the fancy light shows.

(flame roaring)

(all screaming)

Finally, I am free!

The world will bow down

before the Dread Dormammu!

None shall challenge what rightfully belongs to Dormammu!

The earth is mine.

Not while the Agents of S.M.A.S.H. are around, sizzle lips.

(roars)

Foolish green beast.

Your power is nothing to me.

(Dormammu snarls)

Doctor Strange: You will not pass.

You will never escape while I still breathe, demon.

A condition easily remedied, Sorcerer Supreme.

(grunting)

Smash him, strange!

Fall, demon!

So ends our game.

(Dormammu growls)

-Doc! -(groans)

You must contain the evil.

Keep Dormammu from the outside world.

My apprentice knows how.

What? All I know are a couple of cleaning spells.

And how to sweep and dust really well.

Use the house, A-Bomb.

Doctor Strange: Remember your lesson in the mundane.

You gotta believe in what he taught you, Rick.

Let's put out this fire.

Kerala-beram!

(chimes)

(gasps)

What trickery is this?

I'm trapped in here!

A-Bomb: I know, right?

Dormammu: It's you?

How dare you keep me from freedom?

Just me, dormouse.

And now it's time to banish you

back to the darkness, you evil jerk.

Cinsalla sally... Salty?

Oh.

Hey, change me back, you two-dollar merlin!

Oh, so now you believe in magic, huh?

(all groaning)

The Sorcerer Supreme has fallen. So shall you.

(groaning)

I knew my day would come,

for I am tireless and unwavering.

Unlike you undisciplined apes.

My time is now!

(all straining)

What was that spell?

I gotta remember. Focus.

Oh! Cinsetta cinsatala!

(Dormammu groans)

A-Bomb: Yes!

You made wind?

You never needed magic for that, Jones.

Another foolish trick?

Ha! You toy with forces you do not compre...

She-Hulk: A-Bomb, you idiot. You made two Dormammus?

The reflection's his opposite. He's the good guy.

A-Bomb: Yet another magical miracle courtesy of A-Bombo the great!

(groans)

Good job.

Now let's send match-head straight back to limbo.

(Hulk roars)

Release me, mortals! I command it!

Everyone, step aside.

Dormammu: You cannot do this to me!

No!

Magic.

It is just too awesome.

I gotta say. I'm impressed, Rick.

Never thought you'd learn so much in one day.

Well, you know, they're just little tricks,

but you have to start small.

And even the simplest of spells can save the world.

Now Red believe.

I'll believe it when A-Bomb makes these donkey ears disappear.

Okay, so there ain't no shortcuts.

But I don't think I'm into magic anymore anyway.

This is the only magic I need.

(straining)

(laughs)

I think I'll take up something else, like ventriloquism.

Look at me, I'm Red Hulk. I like weapons. Whoo-hoo!

I should be leader.

I don't shower much, but I'm always right.

(gibbering)

Who's the dummy now?

That's the last we'll hear from A-Bomb for a while.

-(pops) -(clatters)

Red out.

(closing theme music)