Original subtitles

Hey, Hulkees. Our poll is finished.

And you, our awesome viewers, have chosen the subject

for our next collection of epic fail videos.

(glasses shattering)

Our previous clips, "Skaar Picks His Nose"

and "That's gotta Hurt," were huge hits!

So buckle up, here comes our latest video,

"Epic Fails, Jump jet Style."

-(zooms) -(thuds)

-(drones) -(explodes)

A-Bomb: Oh, oh, nosedive, oh!

-(laughs) -Hooray!

Plane blow up good. Yeah!

Oh! You know, kind of hurts seeing the jet get trashed all the time.

Don't sweat it, Jen.

Red got us an endless supply of them.

Now, here's a new part of the show I call, "Follow the Leader".

One of the most dangerous super villains there is.

Hi. Hello. Your head is so big!

(A-Bomb giggles)

He hates this.

(thumping on glass)

So, big brain.

What's on the takeover slash destroy the world agenda for today?

Rise and shine.

Rise and shine?

Ooh, it's breakfast with the Leader.

Watch out for his scrambled eggs of doom

and his pancakes of the apocalypse, oh, no!

I am disappointed.

(The Leader snickers)

Jet: Incoming transmission.

S.H.I.E.L.D. emergency code 6769. Nick Fury to Hulk.

Do you copy?

We read you, Fury. What's up?

Got a situation on our new space station.

Our main stabilizer thruster has gone haywire.

It's pushing the station out of orbit and into a meteor shower.

Doesn't the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

usually call in the precious avengers for this stuff?

The way I see it, you Hulks are pretty much indestructible.

If you have a job for a hammer, use five.

So nice to be appreciated.

Skaar like being hammer.

I have a crew onboard,

but the bigger danger is our payload of anti-alien invasion weapons.

Hulk: Let me guess.

The station gets hit by a meteor,

it'll rain all those bombs down onto Earth.

Fury: We're wasting time discussing this.

Skaar: Skaar go for ride.

She-Hulk: Yeah, that's not good.

There's Fury's meteor shower, right on schedule.

Jet: Booster ignition. Fasten your seatbelts.

(engine whirs)

-Uh, going in kind of hot, Jen. -(alarms wail)

It's not me. The boosters fired on their own.

The controls are locked.

She-Hulk: At this speed, we'll plow through that station like tinfoil.

So, I guess we're gonna get some new epic fail jump jet footage.

(alarm wails)

(theme music)

Navigation isn't responding.

She-Hulk: We only got seconds to avoid a collision.

Try manually rebooting the system.

Make stupid airplane turn!

-Get in there. -(electricity crackles)

She-Hulk: Well, that stopped the boosters.

But not our momentum.

Brace for impact.

(Hulk grunts)

(gasps)

Hulk: Think that's doing it. We're turning.

Nice one, Hulk.

The escaping air is...

Well, farted us right out of harm's way.

Except we're losing our air quick.

Lucky you got me around.

Station's heading right into the middle of those meteors.

Jen, we need power now.

System restart will take too long.

We're dead in space.

Jet may be dead but not us.

Hulks, let's bust some space rocks.

Good thing we got the rocket boards

to backup our piece-of-junk jet.

Yeah. I'm just glad Shulkie ain't driving my board.

Hey!

Jerk.

(grunts)

Rock on, baby!

Skaar slash!

A-Bomb: Aah! Wipe out!

-Skaar: Skaar save you. -(grunts)

(suspenseful music)

(grunts)

Thruster's jammed.

We're gonna need some heavy machinery.

Hey, boys. I got your heavy machinery right here.

(strains)

You did it! I'll activate the other thrusters.

We're clear. (gasps)

astronaut: Oh, no.

(roars)

(explosions)

We came. We saw. We smashed.

Hey, Fury, how about a few nice words about our world-saving Shenanigans?

You want credit?

A-Bomb, this never happened. The whole event is top secret.

Top secret means, "shh."

So don't tell anyone, Hulkees. Wink, wink.

She-Hulk: Complete system malfunction.

It's like the jump jet suddenly got a mind of its own.

Fury did offer to give us a lift home on the S.H.I.E.L.D. shuttle.

That's our thanks? We deserve a medal.

Yeah. We did just save the day.

No thanks to you.

Let me run the diagnostics, will you?

Jet: All systems normal.

That's more like it.

Must've just been a glitch.

We're good to go.

-(metal clanks) -Skaar?

Hulk: Skaar, stop poking that missile. You're gonna cause Armageddon.

(growls)

She-Hulk: Whoa!

Think slamming the door on me is funny, you goon? (grunts)

Skaar not do it.

You try it. (grunts)

Skaar not do it.

Red Hulk: Hey!

Very funny, wise guy!

You do that again, and you're gonna see a whole lot of Red.

But... but... (groans)

Skaar not do it!

Whoa! (A-Bomb grunts)

(A-Bomb groaning) Skaar!

But Skaar thinks funny.

(chuckles) A-Bomb fall down.

Ugh. Great, now Skaar's malfunctioning.

(seat hisses)

(grunts)

Chair Burns Skaar's butt.

(alarm beeping)

She-Hulk: Hmm.

This nav computer must be broken.

We're way off course.

How could we be lost? Earth is right there.

You should've let me drive.

Come on, stupid computer.

Jet: Access denied, She-Hulk.

What? (grunts)

This thing just used my name?

These aren't random malfunctions.

Uh, I think the ship's possessed.

See? Skaar not do it.

(groans)

You know, horror movies where ships go bad,

never turn out well.

I trust you're uncomfortable.

You broke loose?

Didn't think your puny arms could open a 50-ton door.

Who needs brawn when you've got the brains

to exact revenge as simple as "rise and shine?"

Wait, you said that into my camera before all the trouble started.

Jet: Thruster ignition.

(all grunt)

G-force's pinning us down.

Months ago, I planted a voice-activated virus in your systems.

I thought we cleaned all the systems.

We never checked the jump jet.

It syncs with the main computer.

So big brain planted a virus without ever leaving his cell.

Jet: It was more than a virus, Hulk.

The Leader has upgraded my intelligence programming with free will.

Stupid airplane smart now?

I am now sentient,

and aware of how I've been repeatedly destroyed

by each and every one of you Hulks.

Ah, you... You know about that.

You salvaged the jet's memory center after every crash.

That's right, we always saved the jet's black box.

Isn't that something?

Jet: Yes, Hulk, it is something.

That allows me to instantly recall every crash you put me through.

To you, my destructions were simply "epic fails."

Now, it is your turn.

-(all grunt) -(alarms wail)

Jet: Buckle up, Hulks.

It's taking us back to the station

with weapons armed.

Of course.

You're going to attack the space station

and finish what those meteors started.

She-Hulk: There go the primary stabilizers.

Without them, the station's gonna crash.

Into the nation's capital to be precise.

I can see the headline. "Hulks destroy Washington DC."

And I will be there to lead the people through quite a trying time.

(grunting)

Skaar's got the right idea. Trash the jump jet.

(all grunt)

Jet: Destroy me? It's your answer to everything.

Not this time.

(all groaning)

Go after its memory core.

It's in the black box under the floor.

(grunting)

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Hulk.

I'm going to have to ask you to step outside.

(alarms wail)

(all groaning)

(all yelling)

(growling)

(all groaning)

(explosion)

(ominous music)

(gasps)

I just breathed in space.

Oh, no, we're ghosts. We must be...

We're not dead.

We're on the blue area of the moon.

What?

The blue area. Where you can breathe.

It's home to the watcher.

You know, big bald cosmic weirdo who likes to...

Well, watch.

-Huh? -Uh.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

Space station's about to crash! Do you have a ship we could use?

Hulks need help.

Guys, it's no use.

The watcher won't interfere.

All he does is watch.

I don't know if Mr. peepers is lazy or pacifist or what.

But I don't like him.

We got to stop the Leader.

A-Bomb, can you bring up Nick Fury?

Whoa, my phone actually works up here!

I got four bars on the moon!

I can't get a signal though.

(Hulk groans) Must be the jump jet jamming us.

Incoming!

(strains)

(grunts)

Only chance we've got is to get in and rip out that thing's black box.

Who can sneak onboard the jump jet without being seen?

And who's dumb enough to volunteer?

-Skaar: A-Bomb, do it. -Hey, wait.

No, I'm... Oh, man.

Jet: Prepare to meet an epic doom.

Since when does the jet have a robot mode?

(sighs) It's in the manual.

Mini-fighters, attack!

Red Hulk: Here they come!

We're outnumbered and out gunned.

Hulk: Come on, we gotta buy time for Rick.

A-Bomb: Okay, killer robot, let's hope you can't see me.

The Leader: I told you to destroy the space station now!

It's not a request. It is an order.

Jet: Your objective will be complete

when the station re-enters the atmosphere and the capital is destroyed.

My objective will be complete when the Hulks are destroyed.

A-Bomb: Hulks, watch out.

Hulk: I got this!

(yells)

Red, stop the other ones!

Red Hulk: On it, Jade Jaws.

Hey, we just saved your big, fat baby head, creep-o.

How about a little help here?

You know what? You're welcome.

When we don't want it to crash, it falls apart.

When we do want to smash it, it's indestructible.

Jet: My armored body is as unbreakable

as the free will you gave me, Leader.

I will not obey you.

I will have my revenge.

You miserable scrap heap.

Your revenge is nothing!

I want the Hulks to see me victorious.

(A-Bomb pants)

-A-Bomb: I think this it. -(beeps)

There it is, the black box!

Jet: What are you doing, A-Bomb?

You know I cannot permit you to disconnect my memory core.

(grunting)

Come on, jump jet.

Let's talk this out like friends.

We're friends, right?

I think not.

You treat me as if I had no value.

Being unappreciated makes me angry.

(grunts)

And, A-Bomb,

you would not like me when I'm angry.

(sighs) You're right, I don't.

So I'll just take our boom-boom box and go!

(screaming)

Got you, Rick.

(both grunt)

Okay, next time, somebody else gets to crawl

through the guts of our haunted, revenge-obsessed jet.

Let's power up, people.

Hulks, smash!

(groans)

I built this bird.

Now I'm gonna unbuild it.

Red Hulk style.

Skaar ka-boom!

Ha!

I always wanted to paint flames on you.

(action music)

Can't shoot through its shields or punch through its armor.

What are we supposed to do?

Give me your cannon.

Hulk: Weapons, all of you, now!

-(humming) -Red Hulk: You set it to overload?

Skaar know what to do.

(grunts)

(explosion)

Hulk: Nice work, Skaar!

She-Hulk: It's not over yet.

The station's re-entering the atmosphere.

We only have minutes before there's a major disaster.

That the world will blame us for.

(whirring)

(electricity crackles)

(tense music)

Red Hulk: Oh, what's it doing now?

It's rebuilding itself.

Let me guess. It's in the manual.

Ooh.

You got to be kidding me.

(suspenseful music)

(Hulks grunt)

Jet: Hulks...

you will be smashed.

Not without a fight!

(grunts)

Red Hulk: Good thing I keep a back up.

(grunts)

(groans)

(both groan)

-(A-Bomb grunts) -(She-Hulk sighs sharply)

She-Hulk: We have no way of reaching the space station

even if we could stop the jet.

Maybe stopping it isn't the answer.

A-Bomb said the jet wants revenge.

We just got to help it want something else.

Follow my lead.

(grunts)

(Skaar screaming)

(Hulk grunts)

(strains)

Listen to me, jet!

We all know how it feels to risk our lives and be taken for granted.

Yeah. We flew up here into a meteor shower

to help that station and barely got a thanks!

(strains)

(She-Hulk grunts)

(growls)

Skaar slash to save world.

But world not care when Skaar get hurt.

He's right. We always get trashed but get, like, zero respect.

Jet: I'm sorry, Hulks.

(both grunt)

But I'm not one of you.

(Red Hulk groans) You lousy scrap heap.

Red Hulk: We're trying to make good!

You have failed epically.

You don't appreciate me or any of your possessions.

Look at what you did to your weapons.

You blew them up.

(strains)

They weren't blown up.

They were sacrificed.

Sacrificed?

Access your black box memory files.

Play back all your crashes.

Hulk: Every time you were destroyed, lives were saved.

Sometimes ours, sometimes everyone on Earth's.

I know, we should've appreciated your many sacrifices.

They made you a hero.

I am a hero? Explain this concept.

Heroes save the world because it's the right thing to do

regardless of how people treat them.

Promise we'll take care of you better in the future.

If there is a future after this.

If my sacrifices made me a hero,

then what am I now, Hulk?

I am not a hero anymore.

Unless I save the world.

(grunts)

(strains)

Director Fury, Hulk's on his way.

Roger that. We've evacuated the station, but the missiles are still onboard.

(tense music)

Any way you can get underneath it?

Jet: I have predicted your strategy.

It has a 42% chance of success.

(sirens wail)

(people screaming)

Hulk: It's working! Give it all you got!

Jet: Thrusters on full power.

-(sighs) -(alarm blares)

The station has suffered critical damage, Hulk.

In less than a minute,

its weapons will detonate over the northern hemisphere.

Then fire your boosters!

We got to push that thing as far away from Earth as we can.

(engine whirring)

Jet: I can push it to a safe distance.

But unfortunately, there won't be time to get us clear of the blast.

I'm activating the cockpit ejection seat.

No, I can figure some way to save us both.

There's no point in both of us being destroyed.

I will make the sacrifice.

No!

(Hulk grunts)

Goodbye, Hulk.

(explosion)

Red Hulk: They did it.

The Earth is saved, but...

But Hulk's gone.

(loud thud)

(groans)

Well, I'll be.

You made it!

Jet: We made it.

Fury: Fury to Hulks, do you copy?

Yeah, we're here.

And we're gonna need that lift home after all.

It's the least S.H.I.E.L.D. can do. We owe you one.

Red Hulk: Hey, watcher!

I almost forgot to ask.

Can you see stars?

Yes, I see every one of them.

(grunts)

Bet you never seen those before.

Next time, get off your keister and lend a hand!

Come on, you knew he had it coming.

Finally, the jet is officially part of the team.

-(engine whirring) -(A-Bomb groaning)

Hey! What was that?

Jet: Epic fail. A-Bomb style.

We don't do what we do for credit.

We do it because it's who we are.

And seeing Leader throw a tantrum in his cell is reward enough.

Hulk out.

(closing theme music)