Original subtitles

(alarm blaring)

man 1: Warning. Cell breach in sector three.

Block all exits. Danger level alpha.

(alarm buzzes and gate closes)

Hey, Hulkies. We're cruisin' to the vault,

The max security prison for supervillains.

Why? There's a riot going on,

And the agents of S.M.A.S.H. Are on the way To restore the peace...

with some grade-A smashin'.

Or in my case, grade A-plus.

Step on it, Red.

Riot's now at jailbreak by absorbing man and the wrecking crew.

Wreckers versus smashers? Awesome.

They busted into the vault's armory,

Got their weapons back.

That's enough oomph to pancake Denver.

But don't worry. We'll pancake them.

Red Hulk: And you better hurry, Greenie, or you'll miss it.

You beat me? That'll be the day.

(whooshing)

Ah, so it's a race.

(engine roaring)

That big tomato thinks he can keep up with our new jump jet?

(chuckles) We're powered by an upgraded gamma reactor

twice as efficient as the old one, and non-polluting.

We're going green.

-Are you being serious? -(thuds)

Ooh, pretty light.

Skaar like flashy screen.

-(crackling) -(yells)

Skaar punish sparkly light.

(clangs)

Save it for the battle, kid.

(grunts)

Shouldn't his rough edges be smoothing out by now?

Hey, he's still settling in.

No, he's regressing.

He hasn't learned to eat, speak, or act like a Hulk.

He has no manners at all.

-(grunts) Skaar have manners. -(squelching)

Big, green manners.

(swishes)

-'Least he stopped chasing the mailman. -(squelching)

Hey, I trust Skaar completely.

Skaar, you lead the charge.

-But not until-- -Skaar lead. Skaar lead good!

-(Skaar grunts) -She-Hulk: Hey!

(yelling)

(scoffs)

(whistles)

He's a work in progress, you know?

Two steps forward and, uh, one leap back.

Right out of the jet.

man 2: Hulks, you're clear to land.

(whooshing)

She-Hulk: So, where's "Slashy the Barbarian"?

Hulk: Probably mopping the floor with wanna-be escapees.

Skaar might have rough edges,

but he can hold his own against anyone.

(man grunts)

Listen. What's that?

(loud thud)

(screaming)

-(thud) -(all grunt)

(tense music)

-Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. -(whirring)

The absorbing man.

(laughs)

Taking out one dumb monster

Was no sweat for Carl "Crusher" Creel.

Smashing three ought to be a blast.

(whooshing, jangling)

-(clanks) -(grunts)

(theme music)

(growls)

Absorbing Man: Say goodnight, doofuses.

Absorbing Man's busting out.

(roars)

(thuds)

(groans)

(laughs)

(roaring)

(rumbling)

Come on, Skaar.

We gotta plug that hole before more villains escape.

(rumbling)

You got the right to remain smashed.

You got the right to smell my feet!

-(grunts) -(thuds)

You used to be tough.

Now you need a fancy jet

and team green to hold your hand.

What kinda Hulk are ya?

-(grunts) -(clanks)

Right now, I'm a really ticked off Hulk.

-(both grunting) -These ought to do it.

(both grunt)

Skaar: Skaar help Hulk.

-Skaar, no! -(rumbling)

Look, the other bad guys are breaking out.

-(crackling) -(grunts)

-(thuds) -(groans)

(grunting)

Don't let the wall fall. Don't--

(clanks)

(rumbles)

A-bomb: Yeah, that boom was Titania,

Piledriver,

Thunderball, Bulldozer, and The Wrecker,

A.K.A. The Wrecking Crew.

Vacation's over, crew.

Let the wrecking begin.

-(grunting) -(thumping)

(engine rumbling)

Huh?

(gunshots)

Time to save some green butts.

(chuckles) Is that a crowbar?

These clowns escape prison or a hardware store?

-(grunting) -(thumping)

No one fights The Absorbing Man without going through me.

We're partners in crime and love.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

(grunts)

Ever wonder what it's like to get run over by a bulldozer, punk?

Nah, not really.

(yells)

(grunts)

(yells)

Skaar, don't let him touch you or your weapon.

(sighs) Stubborn, headstrong,

won't listen, can't control himself.

(chuckles)

Kinda like the old me.

(grunts)

(zapping)

Thanks for the power-up, you stupid caveman.

Appreciate you covering my back, wrecking losers.

Absorbing Man: Titania baby, I'll write you.

Hey, get back here, you two-timing deadbeat!

-(thuds) -(yells)

She-Hulk: Boyfriend's not the only deadbeat, honey.

Speaking of which, where is The Absorbing Man?

-(engine powering up) -I don't know.

Hulk: Oh, no.

(whooshing)

(groans) We just got that jet.

-(gun cocks) -Big deal. We'll get another.

Stop. Shoot it down, and there's no telling where it'll crash.

Hey!

-Skaar shoot! Skaar shoot good! -(rapid gunfire)

Skaar, no!

-(explodes) -A-Bomb: Oh!

Well, that's one way to stop a bad guy from getting away.

Crash like that wouldn't stop him.

(owl hooting)

Hulk: See anything?

Red Hulk: No sign of The Absorbing Jerk anywhere.

(gasps) I found the flight recorder.

(beeping)

Computer: Warning. Crash imminent.

No. No!

(yells)

Got away, huh?

Rock, steel?

He could've absorbed anything to help him escape.

Could have tracked the jet and caught him if you hadn't lost control.

(mutters)

Whoa, Hulk, you used to be the same way.

Yeah, and Hulk changed.

(sighs) Skaar needs to change too.

I've got to get him help.

(sniffing)

Red Hulk: Ha. Like what? A dog trainer?

Hmm.

Samson: Sit. Sit down.

Please. Sit.

Skaar, I'm Leonard Samson,

but you can call me Doc.

I'm a licensed psychologist who specializes

in metahuman anger management.

(chuckles) Maybe you've read some of my books?

Don't usually allow my sessions to be taped,

But a video log

- could help Skaar digest his... -(pages tearing)

(Skaar swallows)

(spits)

Book taste bad. Your hair green?

(laughs) Yes, I have green hair.

Because, believe it or not, Skaar,

I used to be just like you.

Filled with gamma rage,

walking through walls instead of opening doors.

But I learned how to fit in, how to be normal.

And, Skaar, I'm going to change you to do the same.

Hulk: Hold it there.

Tell me again why we had to haul that wreck all the way home?

Hulk said there's a clue to how absorbing Man

got away in there somewhere.

Only clue I wanna find right now is the one that leads me to lunch.

Who's up for some pizza?

-I'm down. -Count me in.

Barely any gamma energy left from the blast.

Makes no sense. Like it was...

Absorbing Man: Absorbed?

Hulk, guess who's coming to dinner.

(laughs)

(growls)

Don't know how you pulled this abracadabra act,

but you're going back in the cage.

(groans)

Ah, I bet you, absorbing that gamma power made me as strong as you are.

(clanks)

I feel like I could take on...

or take over a country.

(Hulk roars)

-(thuds) -(grunts)

Only thing you're gonna take over is another jail cell.

(grunting)

Samson: I'll ask again, Skaar.

Please move to the door.

It's time for your...

first lesson in...

being civilized.

Now, I want you to knock on the door,

but wait patiently until I give you permission to come in.

Okay, Skaar, go ahead and knock.

(clangs)

(rasping)

-And knock. -(crashes)

-And knock. -(Skaar yells)

-And knock. -(clangs)

(struggling)

Skaar: Skaar's butt stuck.

-(farts) -(coughs)

-And knock. -(grunts)

Green hair tell Skaar knock. Skaar knock.

Now, Skaar come in.

Perhaps we're not ready to knock on doors.

Let's back up and start simple.

When you want someone to do something,

you ask, "please".

Why?

Because "please" is the magic word.

Why?

Because, Skaar, it's the polite thing to do.

-Civilized. -Why?

Because it just is. That's why.

(groaning)

Now I know why you like being the Hulk.

You got the power to smash all you want

without a care in the world.

-(grunts) -(thuds)

Listen to me.

You can't handle this kind of power.

(yells)

Only a matter of time before you lose control.

(roars)

You'll be a monster, Creel.

(groans)

Ain't no more Crusher Creel.

My small-time days of robbing banks is over, Hulk.

The Absorbing Man's going global.

I'm big-time now.

(crackling)

Hey, look at this.

I can even absorb stuff without losing my gamma goodness.

-She-Hulk: Silly, Creel. -Huh?

Gamma is for Hulks!

-(thuds) -(groans)

How are we supposed to have a nice pizza dinner

with you twerps rattling around down here?

Bring him down!

(zapping)

(laughs) Yeah! Give me more power.

You kiddin' me?

-(groans) -Back off, stumpy arms.

Oh, no. He did not just slug our pet dinosaur.

He did. He definitely did.

You just bought a world of hurt, Creel.

Hulks, smash!

Skaar slash.

Okay, Skaar.

And what does this one say to you?

Samson: Think about it.

Skaar...

slash.

And this one...

Does it look like a bunny? Maybe a birdie?

Skaar slash.

Skaar slash.

(sighs) Not everything has to be slashed, Skaar.

Ah, Skaar hungry.

But, Skaar not want to eat book again.

Right. This is a perfect time for a break...

and a gentleman's lunch.

Some things require finesse,

not slashing, Skaar.

Like a nice meal.

Watch.

Mmm.

Green hair, Skaar know how to cut.

-Skaar slash! -(shattering)

(sighs)

Maybe we should try the salad.

Uh, the salad fork is on the right side.

(munching)

Skaar like green water meat.

(chomping)

Yummy!

Skaar, please.

You can have dessert,

but not until you relax.

Skaar, no slashing.

Use your spoon.

Like this.

(groans) Stupid spoon.

(slurping)

What? Skaar not slash.

Samson: Yes.

Skaar not slash.

Very well.

(zapping)

Bad time to send Skaar to charm school.

Could really use the extra hands.

(growls)

Absorbing Man take all power.

Smash all Hulks!

(clanks)

(all grunting)

(crashing)

Not only did he lay us out, his grammar's getting seriously awful.

Red Hulk: He smashed clear through the floor.

Hulk: Yeah, Creel's got the gamma fever.

He won't stop until he has all the power he can get.

Oh, no.

He's going after the base's reactor core.

Relax, Skaar.

Just as the balls in the middle remain still,

you can be part of the action without smashing or slashing.

-And to help you, I'll use hypnosis. -(balls tapping)

You're getting sleepy, Skaar.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

And when you wake up, you will be civilized.

You will be polite.

You will not slash.

You'll only return to your old ways

when you hear the magic words, "please..."

-(rumbling) -(grunting)

Hey, we're in session.

-(grunting) -(rumbling)

Skaar, slash!

(Hulk grunting)

Skaar, what's wrong with you?

(distant thumping and grunting)

(slurps)

Hulk not say magic word.

(roars)

-(grunting) -(rumbling)

Skaar, do something!

Hey, shaggy, any time now.

Hulk: Skaar, come on!

(grunts)

Skaar civilized.

A-Bomb: What did Samson do to you?

(yells)

(groans)

This isn't working.

We need to be draining his energy.

You think he'll sit still for that?

(grunts)

-(thumping) -(grunting)

(yells)

You want some?

Hmm. No, thank you.

Dude, a little help with sponge man would be appreciated.

Skaar change for Hulk.

Hulk not want Skaar to fight.

(growls)

(sighs) All right.

Didn't want Skaar to trade fighting for afternoon tea.

Just hope he'd learn how to open the fridge

without slashing the door off.

So we're down a man-child.

Still got a job to do.

So, would Mr. Fancy pants care to watch us stop the bad guy?

I would indeed. Thank you.

(growls)

-(Hulk roars) -(thuds)

Hulk: Don't hit him. Just hold him down.

Whoa, whoa!

You call that holding him down?

Hey, Fido, I hope you've been using your time off

to come up with a plan.

Don't fight. Be polite.

Less with the touchy-feely and more with the smashy-slashy.

(yelling)

(roaring)

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -(groans)

So uncivilized.

(tense music)

Jackpot.

We can't let him reach the reactor.

(growls)

computer: Warning, emergency lockdown initiated.

-(alarm blaring) -(screams)

-(grunting) -(thumping)

He's breached the core.

(laughs) Yeah!

(laughs)

(crackling)

-(grunting) -(thumping)

Yes, now me am strongest there is.

Now me absorb world.

She-Hulk: He's lost control of his powers.

He's absorbing everything.

A-Bomb: Jerk's turning into a black hole.

The world is next!

(yells)

Red Hulk: Hey, is... Is that dog boy?

What is Skaar doing in there?

Skaar, you have to stop him!

Skaar, please!

Skaar: Please.

-(shatters) -(grunts)

Absorbing Man: Too slow.

Skaar: Bald man, get civilized.

Please.

(whirring)

(groaning)

(warbling)

Absorbing Man: You turned me into paper.

But I was gonna absorb the world.

(rustling)

Absorb this.

-(grunting) -(crinkling)

(groans)

Skaar figured when Creel's power's maxed out,

he'd absorb the paper too.

-(clanks) -(Absorbing Man groans)

(A-Bomb chuckles) Way to go, Skaar.

Hulk: We owe one savage Hulk for saving our butts today.

Skaar,

thanks.

Hulk are welcome!

(sighs) So my methods didn't stick.

Skaar is a product of his environment.

Being around you hyper-aggressive types isn't helping him change.

You know he's talking about you, you fight-happy slob.

That's you. He's talking about you.

(grunts)

Least I win my fights, junior.

Ugh.

Watch where you're pushing, you apes.

-Don't even make me... -A-Bomb: Hey...

(overlapping dialogue)

(laughs)

They'll never change.

Never.

(laughs) They're never... Never gonna.

Never, never, never.

(Samson continues laughing)

That guy should see a doctor.

Well...

Tried to change Skaar into someone he just isn't.

There's a difference between changing and growing.

And he seems to be doing that.

(Skaar grunts) Come here. Come here.

- Who's a silly boy? Who's a silly puppy? -(snarling)

-(thuds) -(yells)

(crackling)

(groans) Hulk out.

(closing theme music)