Original subtitles

(tense music)

(groaning)

(grunting)

Hulk: Can't keep hiding forever.

Time for you to step out of the shadows.

(dings)

So, you coming?

Ultimate Spider-man, ready to go.

Uh, where exactly are we going?

(grumbles)

Spider-man... Being labeled a menace is getting to him.

And I know how that goes.

Figured I'd bring the kid to meet my support group.

(chomping)

This is your support group?

Spidey! Check it out, Hulk fans.

I can't believe we got the Amaze-ball Spider-man on the web show.

Say what now? These cameras follow you everywhere?

Yeah, and you're just in time for our gut-buster burrito-eating contest.

I'd better not.

My delicate arachnid constitution.

Plus, I have reservations at the grown-ups' table. Peace out.

Jameson: ...trusted news source J. Jonah Jameson here...

This is it? We're playing cards?

(groans) it ain't cards, it's poker.

Jameson: ...Green goliath the Hulk is even worse...

Grab a chair, wall-crawler, and I'll deal you in.

Who plays poker in a mask?

It's an unfair advantage.

Ah. I understand.

Kind of a newbie at poker.

Kid sits next to me.

Huh? Ugh!

Gee, thanks. I guess.

As if this city wasn't suffering enough

with our own masked menace Spider-man,

the rampaging monster known as the Hulk has been spotted.

Imagine if the two became a regular team-up.

Lock your doors! We're looking at threat level orange!

(grunts)

-(thudding) -(electricity crackling)

Nice! That's how I'd do it too.

My Spidey-sense is tingling.

Yeah. That hand stinks.

No, it's... (groaning)

Okay, who's the party crasher?

Don't know, don't care.

So let's smash it already!

(all scream)

Nobody trashes my poker night!

It's clobberin'...

-She-Hulk: Ben! -Thing: That's it!

(zapping)

Uh, Hulk?

Is this part of the game?

No, it's not.

(theme music)

(groans)

Spider-man: What do we do now, Hulk?

Hulk: Time to smash. (yells)

(crashing)

(bystanders scream)

(grunts)

Yeah, sure. Go hang out with the Hulk.

Play some cards. It'll be a hoot.

(grunts)

(groans)

It's the Hulk!

-Run for your lives! -Let's get out of here!

(all screaming)

Come on! Hulk's the good guy.

Let 'em run from me.

Gets them out of harm's way.

-(firing beam) -(groaning)

(grunts)

(whirrs)

(grunting)

(yells)

Hey, leave some for us!

(groaning)

(screams)

Whoa!

That thing, it just zapped all our friends!

No. Look up there.

I'm betting that thing teleported them

into that spaceship or whatever it is.

Why did we get left behind?

Don't know, but we're gonna find out.

(tense music)

Hello? Hello?

Dang it! I can't get a hold of the Fantastic Four or the Avengers.

Probably got them, too.

Let me guess.

We're just gonna fly up there and go in blasting.

Yup.

Well, don't just sit there, web-head.

Man the weapons!

Less talking, more shooting.

Just like a video game, except "game over"

really is game over.

(blasting)

(groans)

(grunts)

Ew! Smells like Hulk ear.

(retches)

(boosting)

Hulk?

Big gun, Hulk. Hulk?

I see it!

Well, turn!

(boosting)

(zapping)

Spider-man: You are unclear on the whole turning concept.

Hulk: Bought enough time to get you into a spacesuit, didn't I?

Spider-man: Yeah, She-Hulk's spacesuit.

Thanks a lot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's the closest thing we have in your size.

Besides, it's a good look on you. (laughs)

Hilarious.

What do we do first?

Shut down the tractor beam or rescue the beautiful princess?

Will you shut it?

-(Spider-man grunts) -Stay behind me.

Don't get hurt. And be quiet.

Yeah, 'cause you're as quiet as a little green mouse.

Spider-man: Whoa. You were right.

They're all here.

The Fantastic Four, the Avengers.

Hulk: And my agents of S.M.A.S.H.!

Paralyzed in some kind of prison bubbles.

(zapping)

Spider-man: And what is that?

(whirring)

(crackling)

Spider-man: And there's the Thing.

The Collector: Magnificent, isn't it?

Every major hero, including many rare and unique ones,

most in mint condition.

So what are you, some kind of collector?

I'm The Collector!

And I know who you are.

The rampaging Hulk

and the masked vigilante Spider-man.

I've researched this planet to learn which heroes to collect.

From monitoring your trusted information dispenser J. Jonah Jameson,

it's clear that you two do not qualify.

I don't qualify as a hero?

You can't listen to anything J. Jonah Jerkface says.

I mean, wolverine? Wolverine is a hero and I'm not?

That guy runs around stabbing people!

And he smells like wet dog,

which in itself is a punishable crime.

You're letting them go now!

(grunts)

Ooh! That looks like it hurt.

(zaps)

(grunts) Yep.

The Collector: You're not heroes. You're menaces.

(chuckles) Undesirable and in poor condition.

You're not collectible and you have no value.

Spider-man: Oh, not the trash chute! (grunts)

(groaning)

(Spider-man screams)

Menaces indeed.

But look at these interesting gamma-powered variants.

The red one, the blue one,

the primitive one.

And even a rare female variant.

(laughs)

And they're all mine.

(both grunt)

Oh, how humiliating.

And of course, it's all been caught on camera.

(door opens)

Spider-man: Whoa!

Oh, great. Someone turned up the heat.

That's not another teleporter.

No, it's a disintegrator.

(whirring)

(both grunting)

Note to Spidey, next time the Hulk takes you into space,

don't go.

Too late now.

Figures. I put on a mask, try to be a hero,

and get thrown out with the garbage.

A mask doesn't make you a hero.

It's the guy beneath it.

(groans)

(machine whirring)

(grunting)

Oh, this is not good!

(crackling)

(grunting)

Spider-man: I've got an idea! (grunts)

(Spider-man groaning)

You think those puny spidey webs are gonna hold my weight?

(Spider-man groans) These puny spidey webs will hold,

but my super-springy slingshot is only gonna work

if you're strong enough to get us out of here.

Status update, bug-man. I do strong!

All right. (grunts)

Hulk, anytime now. Hulk?

Okay, now!

(Spider-man screams)

(Hulk groans)

-It worked. -Of course, it worked.

I wish J. Jonah Jerkison was around so I could rub it in his face.

Been there. Kids gotta learn you can't control how people see you.

You can only control the things you do.

The Collector: Ultra rare, this hero.

So valuable, in near mint condition.

Fitting he's the last of my acquisitions.

Now, it's time for phase two.

-Spider-man: Phase two? -Hulk: Stay here and watch my back.

I'm on it.

(grunts)

(alarm blaring)

Hulk: Stop!

Guys, he's coming back!

My precious collection!

What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

-A-Bomb: Oh, hey, who did that? -(all groaning)

What died?

It was me. Revenge of the burrito.

Hey, I was stuck in there with it.

Ugh! Makes me want to climb back into my pod. Ugh!

My collectibles! Out of their packaging!

You're no longer in mint condition

and more trouble than you're worth.

(zapping)

This way. We'll have to come back for the others.

Wait for me!

Perhaps I'll salvage some meager value from you

once you're in pieces.

(Hulk roars)

Probes,

hunt down and exterminate those defective collectibles.

It's time to execute my plan

to make my collection priceless.

Make his collection priceless? What does that even mean?

(all grunt)

Work it out later.

(panting)

Spidey coming through!

(all groaning)

We gotta go back. We can free the Avengers...

Hulk: No time!

Spider-man: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Cover us! -Spider-man: Whoa!

Okay, will do!

(grunts)

(gunshots)

(laughing)

(thudding)

(Hulk grunts)

(both grunting)

(gunshots)

Okay, what's our plan?

Well, our favorite fully-articulated space hoarder said

he'd make his collection priceless.

So how do you fix it so your action figures are one of a kind?

You wreck everyone else's.

Or you wreck the place they came from.

You mean that maniac is going to destroy the Earth?

Yup. We have to find out what he's gonna use and smash it.

Look for a big cannon, a giant robot...

Spider-man: A really humongous bomb?

(beeping)

That'll work.

Hulk: We don't have much time before this firecracker pops the Earth.

So what? I can disable it.

A-Bomb, you help him.

Both: I gotta work with him?

(both grunt)

Spider-man: If the probes are after us, the collection room might be unguarded.

Good point. Jen, use the teleporter to beam the others out of here.

Skaar will cover you.

All right, Shaggy, you're with me. (Skaar grunts)

Spidey, you're with me.

Really? You want me with you?

I mean, sure.

If you need me for the big throw-down, I'm in.

People underestimate the webhead.

He's just a kid but he's tough.

Handy in a fight. And he's smart.

Let's do this thing.

Get this party popper open and cut the blue wire.

Or is it the red wire?

Will you zip it?

I disposed of ordnance in the military.

It just requires a little bit of patience!

-Neither of which... -Shut up!

I'm trying to concentrate! (grumbles)

Yeah, let's see, green...

Blue.

Red!

(grunts)

(beeping)

Uh.

This bomb is making me mad!

(grunts)

I don't think that's working.

(clanking)

-Red Hulk: Quick, hide! -A-Bomb: All right, all right!

(grunts)

(whirring)

Skaar?

See that thingy there?

No smashy-smash.

We need it to get back to Earth.

Skaar know. Skaar not dumb.

-We need a distraction. -(roars)

(grunts)

Skaar is awesome.

I mean, he's a wild dog, but he's awesome.

(grunting)

(grunts)

Great. The controls.

Sure, just use the teleporter, he says.

Beam the others out.

What about the part where I don't read alien jerk language?

Maybe this?

(groaning)

(yells)

Oops. Maybe not.

(beeping)

Hulk: Kill him!

Whoa!

(groaning)

I'm okay.

No, I'm not.

I could hear your footsteps from a galaxy away.

Think of how valuable my collection of earthlings will be

when they're the last ones left alive.

No one on your planet wants you. So why should I?

You are unworthy.

You are making me angry, you obsessive little twerp!

Obsessive little twerp?

(both groan)

(both grunting)

(both groaning)

(beeping)

A-Bomb: How's it coming, Red?

(grunting)

Ha-ha! Now we're cooking!

Cut the red wire and disarm this baby

in no time.

(rumbling)

Red? The bomb's gonna drop.

Red Hulk: I'm working on it!

(tense music)

Have you lost your mind?

No, I found the answer.

I smashed the door thingy, so they can't open.

The bomb can't drop.

You're welcome.

Oh, so it'll blow up in here!

With us! Great idea, kid. Great idea!

So...

Maybe we run for it?

(beeping)

(grunting) She-Hulk: Come on, come on!

Has to be some way to shut that thing down.

We're running out of time here.

(device boosting)

(grunting)

I needed that.

Yeah! Smashy-smash!

Whoo! (laughs)

(both grunting)

Ow!

Organs squishing...

Kid, I might not be a hero, but you are.

New York City's lucky to have you.

I'm sorry no one ever got to see your true hero self.

What is he talking about?

What does he mean, "true hero self"?

Everyone knows a true hero isn't the costume,

but the guy beneath the mask.

Yeah, but you knew that, right?

(groans)

There's a hero underneath here?

This I must see for myself.

And are you ever in for a treat,

for I am the amazing, spectacular, ultimate Spider-man!

No.

You're just some mundane adolescent earthling.

(groans and growls)

Nothing special at all!

That's the point.

(Hulk screams)

(The Collector groans)

You hear that coming a galaxy away?

Never thought your giant green ninja skills would come in so handy.

I never thought your ability to talk would come in so handy.

Sorry for you folks at home,

but my identity has to remain a secret.

(beeping)

Only got seconds before kablooey.

Jen, get us out of here!

Teleport hub's online.

I think I can send everyone back in one shot.

Spider-man: Hey, I think it's working!

(screams)

-Hulk: Where have you two been? -Red Hulk: Saving your butts!

(zapping)

(groans)

(beeping)

But, my collection.

(explosion)

Whew! Nick of time.

We all present and accounted for?

Everybody.

Plus one.

I was wrong about you.

Despite what I've heard, you're not menaces.

We never saw ourselves as menaces.

And we aren't.

You've proven that you are among the greatest of Earth's heroes.

Next time, I'll come for you first.

Uh, and that's a good thing, how?

Hey, night's still young.

We could finish our poker game.

Or you, me, Skaar, and Hulk

have a late night gut-buster burrito-eating contest.

What do you think?

Hulk: Twenty-five burritos and counting.

(chomps)

Hulk out. (burps)

(closing theme music)