Original subtitles

Previously on Black Monday...

Somebody is trying to kill anyone

- who was close to the Jammer Group. - My masterpiece.

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

It's Lenny.

Well, at least we know who the fucking killer is now.

All we need to do is make sure we're all together

in one place and then... yagahh!

We catch him in the act. We'll do it at the wedding.

Tomorrow's New Year's Eve. That's like a fun-fecta.

Dawn, will you fake-marry me?

I will fake-marry you!

Well...

- High five, then. - Okay.

Hey let's get some more

fucking baby's breath in there, please.

And why the fuck am I not hearing

a sound check on that band?

Look alive, people. We got three hours.

Let's go, go, go!

Wow, you look amazing.

Motherfucker, knock!

I coulda had my pussy out.

Dawn, I'm gay.

Well, then you really don't need to see it.

Jeez! What's up with you?

And what's with the sheet?

You know, if you're gonna make it an orthodox wedding,

you might wanna lose the bacon lobster roll station.

No, it's bad luck for the groom

to see the bride before the wedding.

Oh, you mean the sting sham wedding?

To pull this shit off, we're gonna need

all the fucking luck we can get.

What's up, motherfuckers?

We got the perfect plan.

- Wait, no, no! No peeking. - All right.

Oh, okay.

All right, well, buckle up,

because "black tie optional"

is about to become "brown pants guaranteed".

- Ugh. - "Dress to impress?"

More like, "Dress to mess yourself".

We should have been working together for a long time.

I know, man.

I mean, I might have lost a fianc�e,

but I feel like I've gained a lifelong accomplice.

Aww!

And I feel like the only people

who are gonna be shitting themselves tonight

are you two hos.

How much fucking coke did you do?

- Not that much. - I didn't even really like it.

- I mean... - No.

- You wanna do it? Sure. - Do you wanna do some now?

I mean, if the bride wants to do it, it's your day.

Do you have any back there? All right, so since I'm back

to being a Republican Party pariah

that nobody cares about/believes,

getting Lenny's confession

is gonna be completely up to us.

That means no backup, no FBI.

It's a sting without the police.

And much like The Police without Sting,

it's gonna fuckin' suck, but we can do it.

Yes, we can do it.

We have been grinding

on this motherfucking thing all day, right?

And we have come up with a perfect plan.

- Yeah. - Tells us the fucking plan!

- Jesus! - Okay.

Sodium pentothal.

- Isn't that salt? - No, that's sodium chloride.

No, that's the stuff

that makes your teeth hard?

That's sodium fluoride, Dawn. Fuck!

Oh, you're gonna make a fertilizer bomb and blow 'em up?

That's sodium nitrate, you fucking idiot.

What, are you fucking homeschooled?

- Look at a periodic table. - Fuck you!

- It's like a chemistry exam? - You're dumb! You're dumb!

It's truth serum. Jesus Christ!

Sodium pentothal is truth serum.

Just like in season 5, episode 14...

Let me guess. Hogan's Heroes?

Okay, don't ridicule, Dawn.

All right, that show was basically a master class

- on how to fuck with people. - All we gotta do

is get it into Lenny's drink.

And then we taunt him

with the vows that Blair and I wrote,

which are specifically designed to goad Lenny

into confessing in front of everybody.

Uh, standing O?

In three, two, now?

Can I be honest? As a longtime Mo plan fan,

I'm underwhelmed.

I mean, this is relying a lot on TV logic

- and truth serum. Does that even work? - Oh, fuck you, Keith.

You think that criminals are just gonna reveal their whole plan?

Uh, yeah, Dawn did, and so did her cellmate.

That's why she went to prison and how she got out of prison

because criminals like credit.

You know what, mind your fucking business, Blair.

No one fuckin' asked you.

I've got a better plan.

Keith confronts Lenny.

- Okay. - Then what?

Well, that's it.

I mean, he's the one Lenny wants revenge on the most.

Why else would he accept Keith's invitation

to the wedding so last minute.

I mean, he did say, and I quote,

"I would love to be your plus one to get my revenge".

Exactly.

So all Keith has to do

is get in a room alone with Lenny,

and he's definitely gonna try to kill him.

- Nah, it's a terrible plan. - Yeah.

Uh, you know what?

Now that I've had a second

to kind of digest Mo and Blair's plan,

it's kinda growing me.

I'm on your side, guys.

Yeah, so it's three against one.

Ding dong!

Keith knows to leave the planning to...

... the plan boys!

Oh, we did it at the same time!

Even the sound, right?

What's up, you fucking losers?

Look what I got.

It's truth serum from my drug dealer.

Yo, this plan might actually work.

But that's what happens

when the plan boys ride out again!

- Only Mo and me are plan boys! - Don't say it

like you're a part of it; you're not in it.

- You dumb bitch! - We're getting tattoos, not you.

What's with this ugly-ass sheet?

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck!

? Kiss you, hug you ?

? Whatever might cross your mind ?

Lenny Leighman, as I live and breathe...

despite some people not wanting that to be the case.

Oh, Congressman Pfaff.

You're almost as difficult to kill as I am.

But now I am back and better than ever, baby.

- Mm-hmm. - And all it took

was another excruciating year of surgical procedures,

and here I am, ready to get my revenge.

Mm.

Well, not a lot of subtext there.

Well, why don't we have a toast

to our improbable survival, huh?

- Cheers. - Mm.

Oh, no, it's not a real toast

unless we both drink.

Oh, no, the bubbly hurts my tum-tum.

My baboon thymus transplant

has really thrown a wrench into my immune system.

Monkey wrench, you might say.

Baboons are apes, you stupid person.

- Sure. - Mm.

Well, why don't I head over to the bar

and get us a bourbon?

- No. - Manhattan?

- No. - Martini.

- No. - Bellini.

- No. No. - Margarita. Sangria.

- No. No. - Cognac. Whiskey Mac.

- No, sir. - Sex on the Beach.

- No. - Kentucky peach?

- No. - Boilermaker?

- No. - Mind eraser?

- Uh-uh. - Pimm's Cup?

I'm not a big fan of alcohol.

Sorry, I should have led with that.

My father drank himself to death in one sitting.

He made us kids watch.

Sad, sad, sad.

Why don't I go over

and get you a nice glass of ice water then?

That's okay; I am not thirsty, except for revenge.

Yes, you keep saying that.

Ha!

? Oh yeah ?

Oh, shit.

Sorry, I thought you were already out there.

No. What's the point?

Uh, I guess you're right.

I mean, I already have seen you.

And you can kind of throw superstitions out the window

when we're makin' a mockery of the entire institution.

No, I mean, what's the point of any of it?

Marriage, love, life.

Goddamn, PMS Dawn.

Lighten up. This is your wedding.

No, it's not.

It's some other bitch's wedding.

I'm in some other bitch's dress.

Motherfuckers are out there eating

some other bitch's shrimps.

Something borrowed?

- Tell one more joke. - Wait a minute.

Come on, Dawn.

- Tell one more. - Take it easy.

Look, look, look.

I know this isn't your dream wedding, okay?

It's my nightmare wedding, actually.

When am I gonna have a normal life,

where I'm not lying to everyone all the time,

where I'm not cheating?

When am I gonna have the life that I wanna live?

What is the life you want?

I don't know, but not this.

You know, there's just something about

pretending to get married to catch an evil twin

who's trying to kill all your friends

that makes a gal question her choices.

That's a strange laundry list of things

that you needed for that to happen.

Take it to heart, Mo, 'cause you know what?

I think I got shit wrong.

What? What shit?

We've got a problem.

Lenny doesn't drink anything.

You guys look very cute.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

And the crowd went wild for the shrimps.

They're almost gone. What do we do?

How is that possible?

We had more than 30 pounds of shrimps!

Don't you worry, 'cause we are the plan...

- Ow! - Oh, my gosh.

- I saw that coming. He wasn't ready. - Are you serious?

Your shoulder hit my rib.

I'm more fragile than I look.

My shoulder shouldn't be anywhere near your ribs.

- It should be on your back. - God damn!

We do this back-to-back thing.

All right, guys, look!

I think I know the one thing that Lenny drinks.

Mm.

I never took you for a milk man, Mo.

But only if it's fresh and warm like this.

- Warm, you say? - So good.

You're something of a milk guy yourself. Aren't you, Lenny?

Mm, I dabble in dairy. Sure.

Be my guest.

Look, I know you consider me a monster

from time to time.

- Leonard. - No. We all have bad days.

- No, no I'm... - Oh.

To you, Maurice.

Enjoy this moment while you still can.

Hey, now, bottoms up.

Blair here said it's not a proper toast

unless we both drink.

Oh, did Blair say that?

Did I? I don't know.

Oh, Blair.

- So I'm waiting. - Of course.

Woof-dah.

Tastes like milk.

- Maurice. - Fantastic.

Oh, my God.

- Jesus. - Well, I'm glad Lenny drank it.

But are you gonna be okay? Fuck!

Don't worry about me, kid.

I can handle my pentathol.

Question: were you very attracted to me

when you first met me?

I knew it.

What is a vow?

What is the meaning of a vow?

I'm seriously asking,

because what I thought was a vow is actually an oath.

And what I thought was an oath is a promise.

- And then I tried to find vow. - Yassir.

Right.

Let's just get on with the vows.

Mo...

- Dawn... - Thank you.

- Take it away. - Yes.

Hello, Mo.

Hi, Dawn.

The host with the most,

the groom with the broom in his pants.

Yeah, we killed.

It's me, Dawn, and I'm so grateful

we finally made it to this day

when so many others did not.

Goddamn, we lost a lot of folks this year...

Mm.

... to a punk-ass killer

too chicken shit to confess to his crimes

like a cool serial killer would.

Even the FBI profiler described him as,

quote,

"A man so physically gross

he can never be loved.

So he should quit playing

and just admit his shit.

Otherwise, he is the biggest...

pussy

since the Macy's Day Garfield float".

"Ay, dios meow", indeed.

- God, I love you, Dawn. - What?

Oh, I love you, Dawn.

Okay. Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

We are getting married.

Anyways, the nutless coward...

It's like somebody walks into your life,

and you just can't imagine

what life was ever like before them.

Wow. Mo, I don't know what to say.

I don't know what souls are made out of, Dawn,

but you and I have the same one.

Okay, what is happening?

I am totally whacked out on truth serum right now.

Okay. Okay.

Mo, read the cards.

- Okay. - Just... you gonna read 'em.

I don't need these cards. I gotta be honest, literally.

Mm.

I'm not gonna promise you

that I know how to solve all your problems,

but I'll tell you one thing, babe,

I promise you, you will never have to face them alone.

And all the things that you wanted to do with my butt

that I was too insecure to let you do before, have at it.

No! Really, Mo-Mo?

I'm still gonna be down to have regular sex

with you, too, in your vagina.

Just remember you said it.

'Cause I wanna do some pretty obscene things to your ass.

- Ha! - Okay.

Well, that was beautiful,

yet tonally inconsistent, which is...

It was.

... pretty on brand for us, I'd say,

but for the most part... you know what?

Actually, if anyone here has any reason

as to why these two should not marry, speak now,

or forever hold your shit in, 'cause we don't wanna hear it.

Does anyone here have a comment or a reaction

or a confession that might be admissible in a court of law?

Now would be a great time to share that.

- I... - Oh, Jesus Christ!

... should take this.

Carry on.

Epstein, baby.

No, I'm not doing shit.

- No, you owe me a steak dinner. - Go on?

Keep going. Keep going!

Well, fuck your mother.

Oh, when did she pass?

All right.

Uh, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Kiss the bride.

- Whoo! - Kiss the bride.

Pamela, I love you so much.

- What? - Will you marry me?

Oh, my God. Yes!

Really, Karen? On my fucking day?

Let those lesbos have a moment.

? Ba-dee-ya say do you remember? ?

? Ba-dee-ya ?

Come on, you gotta go talk to her eventually.

You can't keep avoiding her.

After all that crazy shit I said in front of all these people?

Take it from us.

A fake marriage requires a very real commitment.

I just don't understand why the truth serum

worked so well on you, but not on Lenny.

Well, he's mostly monkey by now, right?

- Baboon. - Baboon.

Hey, may I cut in so we can talk for a second?

Oh, hey, babe.

The plan boys and Keith are in the middle

of doing some planning

about this Lenny Leighman situation, so...

Fuck no. You know what? It's time for my simple-ass

OG plan where Keith confronts Lenny alone

while he's in the bathroom.

Fuck this. No, your plan failed,

and I'm not gonna go risk my life now because you wanna...

Keith, the plan boys did all the heavy lifting.

Dawn has chipped in.

- You've done shit. - Shit.

- Shit? - Yeah.

I fucking planned this whole wedding.

- No, you didn't. - You did what?

Okay, but I should have.

I mean, this dance floor is crooked,

it's a cash bar, and we're almost out of shrimps.

Who the fuck is eating all the goddamn shrimps?

Anita, bitch, I know it's you.

You got four shrimp on your plate!

Calm down, baby.

For Christ's sake. Now you, go!

And grab one of those videographers

- to get it all on tape. - Good idea.

He could kill me. You realize that?

Yeah, but then we would have him killing you on tape.

- On tape. - Ah!

I... I just...

- Give me your phone. - What?

I'm calling Mo.

Keep your phone open in your pocket.

You keep this phone open in your pocket,

and then if there's a problem,

just say the word, and we'll come get you.

- Like a safe word? Okay. - Yeah.

All right. So what if it's like a...

Punani, non-negotiable.

- She's the bride! - Punani? No, no, no.

You want me to die sounding like a fucking asshole.

Well, it's how you live, baby.

You know what? I don't wanna do this.

- You wanna be a plan boy? - Yeah, you wanna be a plan boy?

Like, for real?

You can get jumped in or sexed in.

Think about it.

All right, I'll fucking do it. Watch me.

Hey, buddy, come with me. Come on.

Get ready, because we're about

to bust that ass wide open tonight.

What's wrong with the front, Dawn?

I'ma fuck that too.

Now come on in here.

I want you to hide in the kitchen

and don't stop rolling no matter what.

Keep me in a two shot or a swingle.

Go, go, go, go. Quick. Be quiet.

Ugh! There you are. Are you hiding from me?

No.

It's not all about you, Dawn, all right?

This is my sham wedding day too.

Okay.

So you wanna talk about those vows now?

Oh, you mean how my "ay, dios meow" line

killed 'em out there?

No, I mean, you love me.

You love me.

Come on, Mo, just admit it. You love me.

I...

- What's up? - Hey, Yassir.

- What's going on? - Hey, man.

I got a little bit of bad news.

I just spoke to my dealer, and this dumbass

mixed up the pentathol with phosphodiesterase.

Wait, what's phosphodi...

It's a boner killer.

Yeah, it prevents EF, erectile function.

Why the hell would somebody sell that, Yassir?

I don't know!

Why would he sell truth serum?

Dude's full service, bro.

We're lucky to have him.

Is it permanent?

What do you care? You just wanna do butt stuff.

Ooh, that...

Mm. Keith.

Lenny, we need to talk.

Oh, we need to talk.

Sure, I've got some time to kill.

I'm sorry.

I hope that threat was not too bald.

Mm, I hope you enjoyed your time as a Leighman

because you know what they say.

"Hair" today, gone tomorrow.

After this, who knows where you'll "beheaded".

I'm sorry, do you have

all those menacing puns, like, preloaded,

'cause I feel like everyone's coming to the table

with a lot of stuff, and I don't ever, like, go home

- and think about... - Yeah, Keith,

I have been dreaming about this moment

ever since, if I had to say, probably back around the time

when I watched a wolf gnaw off my penis!

Which I had nothing to do with,

just for the record.

So let me guess, you want revenge.

I feel like I've been super upfront about that.

So that's why you killed all those people.

Right?

What... what people, Keith?

I have already gotten my revenge

by showing up here

and looking like a million freaking dollars.

'Cause as we all know,

the best revenge is looking good.

So you didn't kill all those people?

No.

You're not the killer?

Keith, the only killer here is my killer bod.

Fuck! Punani!

Punani! Punani!

Ha-ha, nice try, Keith,

but I am an immortal,

unkillable fucking god!

Punani!

Punani! Punani?

- Punani. - Punani?

- Punani! - Punani!

Holy shit.

It's over. Keith, you did it.

Guys, I didn't do it.

- Who did? - I did.

And you are...

I still...

Corkie!

- I knew it was a girl! - That's right.

No one ever pays attention to the videographer.

Now let's see if you can guess who gets to die next.

I'm pretty sure it's gonna be Blair.

It's not me.

It was a rhetorical question.

All of you. God bless it.

You people never shush!

Uh, Corkie, don't you wanna take us through

the how and why of all of this just for funsies?

I thought you'd never ask.

After Blair so casually destroyed

my perfect life with Roger,

I became somewhat obsessed

with taking from him what he took from me.

All those summers spent at daddy's NRA-sponsored

Big Guns, Little Nuns Camp really paid off.

Sadly, what didn't kill Blair made him stronger.

So then I tried to rig Blair's

electroshock therapy equipment

to send him to hell,

but it ended up taking that devil Dr. Egon instead.

Well, what about your father, Pastor Newell?

As the other person who is responsible

for my Roger's death, Daddy had to go.

When Blair shot him on TV,

I mean, I couldn't resist life imitating art.

I don't think it works like that.

Then at my father's funeral,

when you lied to my face

and defended my father's cruel legacy,

yes, I had to do something.

But that poor, innocent bystander...

- Hey. - Hey!

- Hey! - Hey!

No one here said

that this all went down perfectly, okay?

I mean, there were definitely some whoopsie-daisies

along the way-sies.

No, whoopsie-daisies. I have them all the time.

I killed my dad.

- Wait, what? - Oh, Blair.

- Wasn't it liberating? - And poor Wayne?

That car bomb was meant for all of you.

But it only killed Wayne.

Oh, now, I didn't kill Mrs. Blackmore,

but I have to admit, it killed me to read

that yet another person had died in Blair's tragic orbit.

And unfortunately, her death did kill my Pfaffashions IPO

and HGTV's chance of revival,

which is why I killed Larry Leighman.

But why'd you cut his head off?

- And his dick? - Happy accident.

I walked in on him masturbating

while choking himself with piano wire, as men do.

- Ugh. - Yeah, autoerotic asphyxiation.

And after I shot him,

that last sweet death rattle

caused him to pop and lop his own...

heads off.

Oh, God.

- Tore his dick right off, did he? - That's right.

He was, like, jerking off in the elevator,

or he was jerking off and then you...

No, I put him in the elevator to scare you.

- Oh. - It worked.

That was very effective.

And then there's Tiff.

Suddenly she's living the life that I was promised.

Smokin' hot, successful, married to a handsome,

- loving yet sexually... - Undemanding?

Yes, undemanding congressmen,

but she took it all for granted.

And so, yes, I put her in her place.

- Mm-hmm. - The ground.

Okay, a little misdirect, but I like that.

So, in the end,

it really wasn't any of their faults.

It was truly just mine.

You're forgetting all the people who made you...

who... you... are.

Come on, y'all,

help me count down the New Year.

Let's ring in the '90s together, huh?

And now...

Ten...

... the grand finale.

... nine...

- Okay. - I have a question.

We were all together last night. Why didn't you just kill us then?

- I had a thing. - Really?

- That's right. - Ah, schedules are schedules.

... four... three...

Now y'all know I had to celebrate this shitty

new decade with my shitty friends.

No! Whatever I did, I'm sorry!

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This fine-ass lady's the one who's been doin' all this?

Yes, told you it'd be a girl.

What's your name?

Corkie.

What's the motive, Corkie?

- Are you fuck... - Mostly me.

She's out of her fucking gourd. Are you serious?

I just went over everything already inside.

I wasn't in there for that.

Do you wanna run it from the top?

- Just shut up! - I'd rather not.

You guys got to hear the story!

Look, crazy, you were right about one thing.

No one pays attention to the videographer

or his camera.

That's right.

We got your whole confession on tape, lady.

- Don't tell her. - Don't tell her that.

Just like we planned. The plan boys!

- Oh! - Aww.

You're a good shot.

Okay. I think this is it, gang.

No. No, no, no.

It's me you wanna punish, right?

- So... so just let them go. - Yeah.

I... I keep saying I wanna do something good with my life,

and this would be something good.

And without Tiff and Roger, what's the point of anything?

So...

just have at it, Corks.

I kinda feel like I share some of the blame, you know?

Oh, you're fine.

Since I... the whole Georgina play

and everything just took a hard left. I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm not a great plan boy.

It's okay. I love you guys.

Love you too.

You know what?

I'm not gonna kill you, Blair.

Oh.

- What? - Not first.

You're the least sympathetic member

of this cast of characters.

Now, Dawn, on the other hand...

No!

Mo!

Oh, my God! No! No!

What are you doing, Mo?

I told you, I don't need you to save me.

You're gonna bring that shit up now?

No, Mo, I'll never take it back.

I promise. I love you, Mo-Mo.

We love you!

I would tell you to say your prayers, but with this...

Shut the fuck up, bitch!

I am talking to my husband!

Wow, for a group of idiots

who have no respect for anything,

not common sense, decency, or each other,

I mean, I'm honestly shocked that you all made it this far.

Oh!

- Oh! - Tiff?

Shit, is that Tiff?

I feel like I should say something cool,

but I just executed my former colleague.

Wait. Put a Cork in it.

Tiff, you're alive!

- Totally. Corkie shot the wrong Tiff. - What?

Yes, a brave man named Boy Georgina.

He was a chameleon, but karma got him

'cause he looked nothing like me.

- He was incredible husky. - Oh, no.

And after that, police put me in protective custody.

They worried if anyone knew I was alive,

even you, I wouldn't be for long.

But I couldn't miss Mo's wedding.

I mourned you, you know.

- How hard? - So fucking hard.

Someone, call an "ambuh-lance"!

Did you said "ambuh-lance"

in front of all these white people?

The important thing here is...

you said you love me.

Oh, God you're such an asshole.

You said it.

- Damn. - Ugh.

Man, when we get together...

Shit goes down.

- Okay? - Okay.

I mean, for real, you're ready?

- For real. Ready. - Okay. No take backs.

- No take backs. - Don't fuck with me on this, Dawn, okay?

We got one shot to get this right.

One chance here.

Otherwise, we risk upsetting the balance of power.

Oh, do you think that I don't know that?

- Okay. - Huh? I mean, come on.

The window could be closing as we speak.

Exactly, it took a fucking serial killer

and 20 years for the stars to...

- And our egos. - And our egos to align,

and it could be another 20 years until we're...

Look, fuck! I'm with you.

- Okay. - All right. Let's do this.

- Same time. - Same time.

- Okay. - You ready?

- Are you ready? Okay. - Yeah. Okay.

One, two, three.

What happened right there?

- I fucking knew it. - You pump faked.

- No I didn't. - You made it look like

you were going to commit and then you...

I didn't. You did. Your mouth was open.

I watched your lips, you didn't...

I'm looking dead at your tongue.

It is not forming the proper shape

- to say the words that you needed to say. - Because I'm looking at your eyes

and your eyes weren't thinking.

Okay. I pump faked. That was on me.

- Thank you. - Let's go.

Ready?

One, two, three.

- I love you, Dawn Darcy. - I love you, Mo-Mo Monroe.

Oh, my God.

- We said it. - We said it.

Uh...

- I knew it. - I knew it too.

You guys enjoy that? Fucking assholes.

- Close the door. - Jesus.

You know what? All right, I'll get in.

- I'll go with you. - That's not what I meant.

No. No, no, no.

You know what? She's right, I need a ride.

My Rolls is busted.

And I'm afraid to be alone.

So why don't we all just come together?

Shotgun!

Let's do it.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -