Original subtitles

(SQUAWKING)

(SQUAWKING)

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

I've got you now.

That's it, my little misunderstood friend.

Nibble the powdery cinnamon bliss.

(SQUEAKING)

No!

Your path ends in death!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(BABY CRYING)

(BABY LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SQUEAKING)

No!

You have been saved.

No charge.

(ROARS) (SCREAMS)

This is certainly an ironic situation

with an apex predator there

and me over here, holding this little guy

at the bottom of the food chain and all.

Hey, Mom! Look what I found!

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Ace Irwin Ventura, you get out of that habitat

and away from that man-eating alligator this instant!

Okay.

Stay!

(ROARING) (SCREAMING)

Ugh!

How many times have I told you...

A million!

Visiting me at the zoo...

Is a privilege, not a right.

And this is the last time I get to come here...

If you're gonna behave this way!

I'm serious, Ace.

You're always serious, Mom.

And do you know why?

Because you're not gonna lose me like you lost Dad.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I don't know why I had to save him, I just did!

It's a mouse, Ace.

That's why we have traps here.

You are not, I repeat,

not responsible for every stray animal

in every corner of this planet.

I'm not? No!

(SQUEAKING)

Now give me the mouse.

And the hedgehog.

(SQUEAKING)

And the guinea pig.

And the ferret.

(FERRET DOOKING)

And the toad.

(CROAKING) Oh, there we go!

What?

Baby gator.

What baby gator?

Fine, here.

Now you're late for school.

Let's go. Hey, what's that?

Ace!

What's going on over here?

Honey, honey, come back here.

Ace, okay, look. Pong Ping?

The Chinese government has loaned us Pong Ping and Ting Tang,

the world's most famous pandas.

And there's gonna be an unveiling next week.

Now, Ace... I know.

I promise, no trying to find missing pets,

or helping animals or anything.

Even if they're about to get run over.

Okay, that's not what I mean.

And I will try to be normal.

Thank you, A.J.

Now will you please go to school?

Okay.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Normal.

Normal.

Must be normal.

BOY: Hey, Tara. Is it true what happened to your pet?

TARA: Yeah.

I woke up this morning

and my pet rabbit, Mimzy, was totally gone.

Rabbit Mimzy, lost.

Of course we're depressed.

Our skunk's been missing two weeks.

We're emotional wrecks about it.

I will be normal.

My friend Bethany can't find her chinchilla.

It's an animal-nabbing epidemic!

BOY: Laura, what about you?

You think that's bad?

The other day, Greeny, my incredibly rare emerald green koi fish

vanished right out of the aquarium.

(SCREAMS)

PRINCIPAL: (ON INTERCOM) Your attention, please.

I have some sad news.

Mr. Chompers, our beloved swim team mascot, has gone missing.

ALL: Aw!

PRINCIPAL: Any student with information

is requested to report to the pool immediately.

Well, he's gone.

Do you know where our mascot is or not?

Well, I wouldn't say I know where he is.

But you know who took him?

Not exactly.

But you have some kind of lead?

Define "lead."

Forget this loser!

No! Wait! I can find him.

What makes you think that?

I just know I can.

Ooh, what are you, some kind of pet...

...finder guy?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Just give me four days. What do you got to lose?

You got 72 hours.

Okay. 72 hours.

That's like two weeks.

That's great!

(BARKS)

I know what Mom said, but this is important.

She won't find out.

(GROWLS)

Now, cowboy up, dog,

because we're not just gonna go find Mr. Chompers.

I hear a whole lot of lost pets calling my name.

* I need a shot

* I need a shot of ambition

* I need a hit

That'll do it. (BARKS)

This is the busiest intersection in town, Ox.

(TIRES SCREECHING) (CRASHING)

Thousands of people will see this.

Recognize your Mimzy?

No.

Number three, hop to the right. (FLATULATES)

Uh-oh! Number one just went number two.

Number four, stop doing that to number three!

Would you guys stop multiplying?

Well, how about now?

Lost hamster, milk for Milton.

Help find Milton.

Runaway rodent.

Do a brother a solid.

Milk for Milton.

Please, help find Milton.

I found Milton!

No.

I didn't find Milton.

Offensive action! Three, two, one!

(FLATULATES)

(SQUEALS)

Now, that's offensive.

Stop toying with our emotions.

That's not Breezy, moron!

ALL: Skunk!

(STUDENTS SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

It's called "papering the town," Oxnard!

Very effective method for disseminating information.

(BARKS)

(BARKING)

That's not true.

I treat every one of my missing pets exactly the same

no matter who they belong to.

Well, here we are, Ox.

Casa de Laura Wilson's house.

The scene of the crime.

(BARKS)

Sorry, old friend, now's not the time to tell Laura how I feel.

I am not scared to talk to her!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah, well, watch and learn, Puppy Chow.

We'll find her pet,

and then I'll find time to express how I really feel.

Hi, Ace.

Oh, my God, you're pretty!

What?

(OXNARD WHIMPERS)

Um... your koi fish.

She's itty-bitty.

Yeah, she sure is.

Much like a grunion.

Stand aside, ma'am.

Clues don't find themselves, you know.

Oxnard, while I'm young?

Crime scene is secure. No sign of any forced entries.

Initial suspects include the scuba man and the treasure chest.

Remember when I brought her into school

as part of my report on unusual animals?

The next morning, when I woke up, Greeny was gone.

Really?

Case number 349A49320451.

Neptune Alpha Charlie Horse.

Missing green koi fish.

Answers to Greeny.

Question.

Have you tried calling her?

Calling her?

She's a fish. (MUMBLES)

May I?

Sure.

(GARGLES)

(CONTINUES GARGLING)

Well, she's gone.

Yeah.

Owner is one Laura Wilson.

Smart. Funny. Great listener.

(SNIFFS)

Excellent personal hygiene.

A smile that'll make you feel like pudding inside

and skin like peaches and cream,

except for maybe this one spot on her perfectly formed chin.

Possibly a pimple?

A pimple? Where?

Oh! I'm such an idiot.

(BARKS) ACE: No one asked you.

Er, um, Oxnard and I must be going now.

Anyway, your lovable collection of aquatic friends

will have their emerald companion back in, um...

...three days.

Really? I promise.

You broke your promise.

What did I tell you?

That I'm not responsible for the well-being

of every stray animal in every corner of the planet.

But, Mom, I had to.

Do you think I like scooping poop all day? I don't.

I got this job so that you could see animals as much as you want

whenever you want,

safely and with complete supervision.

Yeah, but it's not the same, okay?

I want to find lost animals.

I love it.

Okay, I tried every other extracurricular activity

you wanted me to and I mastered them all.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What?

(VOCALIZING)

Next.

(WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES)

Bananas.

P-r-e-t-t-y.

Pretty. JUDGE: That is correct.

Your word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

P-R-E-T-T-Y. Pretty.

(BUZZER RINGS)

* Oh

* Who's the man? * You're the man

* Who's the man? * You're the man

(SNIFFS)

* That's what I thought, yeah!

* Who's the man? * You're the man...

ACE: This was a dumb idea!

(LOUD SPLASH)

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Okay, maybe I didn't master all of them

but maybe athletics aren't my calling.

Wait, was Dad an athlete?

A good speller? An entertainer?

This is not about your dad.

We'll talk about him another time.

Mom, you always say that.

I'm not ready for that talk yet.

We can have it when you're older.

(OXNARD BURPS) I am older, Mom.

I'm 12 years old,

and I'm starting to have all these weird feelings

and I don't have a dad for "that talk."

Honey, everybody your age has those feelings.

No, Mom.

(SLURPS)

Not these feelings.

That's it!

You are not eating out of a dog bowl.

You are not sticking your head out of a car window,

and you're gonna use the toilet for something other than drinking.

And you're gonna be like other kids!

But, Mom, this is who I am.

No, it's not.

It's who you're acting like.

(ANIMALS SCREECHING AND HOOTING)

(SQUEALS)

(GASPS)

(FLATULATES)

Morning!

Good morning, Mom.

Hey, what's with that hat on?

What hat?

Ace.

It's what all the kids are doing.

You said you wanted me to be like them, so here you go.

Not at the table.

Mom. Mom, the cereal!

Oh, my God.

What?

It's happening. What is it?

(DOOR SLAMS) Put your hands up!

(GASPS) (SOLDIERS CLAMORING)

(OXNARD BARKING)

Don't move!

Melissa Ventura?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, one more punch and you get a free yogurt.

The Cinnamon Hippo?

Is that like Chuck E. Cheese? Never mind that.

Russell Hollander, NBFW.

National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife.

Smart kid. I'm in charge here.

Do you have any idea how often they let a member of Fish and Wildlife

lead a SWAT team?

Yeah. Never.

You guys don't even get badges.

You wear patches.

Give me that.

Try that again and I'll have you arrested for assaulting a federal officer.

Okay, fine, jeez.

But, technically, police dogs outrank you.

MAN: Ranger Hollander? They're towing your car, sir.

Again? MELISSA: Hey. Wait a minute.

Can't you just tell us what you're looking for?

Your case is the biggest thing in service history.

They're even calling guys back from Alaska for this.

Playing dumb is not gonna work.

You left a lot of evidence at the crime scene, Mrs. Ventura.

We found your shoeprints all over the place.

In English, Ranger Smith.

Ting Tang has been stolen.

(GASPS)

My mom works for the zoo.

Of course her footprints were there.

And your bank accounts show you've been living paycheck-to-paycheck.

I suspect a panda cub brings big bucks on the black market, huh?

We found something, sir!

Look at this.

Your ransom note?

MELISSA: Somebody sent that to us.

I don't even know what that means.

And this. (MELISSA GASPS)

(GRUNTS) A tranquilizer gun.

Sir, your finger...prints.

Recently fired.

They give us all tranquilizer guns.

I used it to sedate a chimpanzee.

Oh, that was actually very funny.

He grabbed a hold of this tourist's leg and started...

That's enough, Ace.

Melissa Ventura...

...you're under arrest.

What? (GROWLS FEROCIOUSLY)

Down, boy! Down, boy! Down, boy!

Down! Down!

It's all been a mistake. This has all been a mistake.

There you go. There we go.

We'll sort it all out.

Oh, God. It's like chocolate.

They're so good. I know.

Oh!

Come on.

I am not going anywhere till I can make a call for someone to stay with my son.

Give her the cell phone.

It'll be all right, Mom. I'll find Ting Tang.

No.

You promised. I don't want you to do anything, Ace.

One call.

(SIGHS)

Okay, while you walk, come on.

I'm gonna call his grandfather.

But, Mom, Grandpa's gonna be on a cruise

for another four weeks.

I'm calling your other grandpa.

What other grandpa?

Grandpa...

Ventura.

Huh?

Rex?

It's Melissa.

(MAN WHEEZES)

(MEOWS)

(MAN CONTINUES WHEEZING)

Come on, Spark.

Come on, Spark.

Sorry about that.

Ooh!

Hello, Ace.

Grandpa?

First thing, your mom is fine.

She's gonna have a bail hearing on Friday.

You can see her then.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT)

Darn hairballs.

What can you do?

My cat's on his 8th life.

There are some spots he's simply too old to lick himself.

(CHOKES)

Too much information.

Well, Ace, I haven't seen you since you were a baby.

What are you now, 84?

Grandpa, I'm 12.

Right. Dog years.

84 years old.

I'll bet you're helping animals by now, aren't you?

Come on, show me your office!

Come on, Sparky!

Come on, Sparky, here we go!

That a boy.

So, these are the animals you're trying to find, huh?

Well, I was, but then Mom said it was too dangerous.

Re-ea-eally?

LAURA: (ECHOING) Hi, Ace.

(CHUCKLES) You obsess much?

What, about Laura? No, not really.

Sometimes. Maybe.

Yeah, I do.

Hey. Grandpa?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure thing.

What was my dad like?

Well, what does your mom tell you about him?

Nothing.

She says that he disappeared on a business trip

when I was a baby

and that I'm too young to know the rest.

Yeah, well, your mom's got good reasons why she doesn't wanna talk about him.

But can I ask you this?

Have you ever wondered

why you keep looking for lost animals?

Because... Because why?

I don't know.

Because you're a Ventura!

A Ventura.

Now, although it took a long time

for our ancestors to develop a kinship with the animal world,

eventually, we won them over, even the carnivores.

Down through history, the Ventura line continued.

Including Charles Ventura Darwin.

You know who he was, don't you?

He was the evolution guy, right?

Survival of the least

loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser-est.

Did you know a Ventura would never harm an animal?

One of your ancestors, the great Antarctic explorer,

Sir Ernest Ventura Shackleton,

although he and his crew were starving to death,

they would not eat a penguin.

Jacques Ventura Cousteau

who invented the scuba suit

so that finally man could commune with his watery brethren.

Fit like a glove.

So, you see, Ace Jr.,

the Ventura line has a long and storied career

of animal advocacy

communion, and search and rescue.

Well, was my dad like the other Venturas?

I've probably said too much already.

But your mom was in trouble,

and I thought you needed to know.

So, what you're saying is

is that I should go out and try to find Ting Tang?

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

Saying what?

Your Y chromosome has the Ventura mutation.

You're one of us.

Come on, Sparky.

Um, Grandpa? I'm pretty sure he's dead.

He's not dead.

He's sleeping. Come on.

You hear what he said? My goodness.

My goodness.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, if I say over the wall, it's over the wall.

Don't be a maverick. Let's go.

(ROARS) (SCREAMS)

Jeez, I didn't know the lunch lady had a night job.

RUSSELL: Russell Hollander, NBFW CSI: Orlando.

I like the way that sounds.

I left no stone unturned, no clue undiscovered.

Case closed, Melissa Ventura.

You are guilty.

That guy is one big-time sick monkey, my friend.

(GROWLS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Case number 349A49320452.

Alpha Beta Delta Airlines.

Missing panda cub.

Answers to Ting Tang.

Or if you speak Panda.

(GROWLING)

On loan from national government.

Country... China.

Crime scene shows no sign of disturbance.

As expected, my mom's shoeprints are everywhere.

And the only other prints are panda...

Or are they?

Holy roly poly!

I knew it.

(ROARS)

Uh-oh.

Hey! Look, Pong Ping, I'm a family friend.

I knew your uncle when he was here, Chan Chin, or...

Bing Bang, or...

Hong Kong?

Wang Chung?

You miss your cub?

Yeah, I miss my mom, too.

But I found some really important clues while I was here.

I'm not the world's greatest...

...pet sleuth?

Finder?

Investigator? I don't know.

But I'll try.

I promise.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning! Warning!

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Hey, kid! Are you Arnold Plushinski?

Yeah, but call me A-Plus.

Argh! You're dead, Plushinski!

I mean it! Move!

Uh-oh. That can't be good.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Proximity alert. Proximity alert.

(SCREAMS) Give up the gummies, Plushinski,

and the horror will end!

Never!

Excuse me! Yes.

Move!

(SCREAMS)

Move it! Out of the way!

Where is he?

Can't hide the gummies forever, Plushinski!

Where'd he go?

(BELL RINGS)

Hello?

A-Plus?

ARNOLD: Why are you talking to me?

Who just said that?

ARNOLD: No one ever talks to me, except bullies.

You're not gonna beat me up, are you?

No.

I need your help.

Oh! In here.

(GASPS)

What the...

Awesome!

(WHISPERS) Awesome.

(RATTLING)

(EXHALES)

Holy cellar dweller, Batman!

This place is... How did you build this?

This whole place was forgotten about during a renovation

but I found a way in.

Made my lab.

I can't believe I have a friend

and I didn't even have to grow him in a petri dish.

Oh, my God, those are giant gummy worms.

Hey! (STUTTERS)

That's a bully-tracking device.

Eh? They transmit to my GPS here.

A bully eats a harmless-looking candy

and it gets into his digestive tract.

I can track him for up to 18 hours.

12, if he eats chili.

So, how can I help you...friend?

Um...

I have some measurements that I need analyzed.

ACE: (OVER RECORDER) These prints are one point five millimeters deep

as differentiated from these, which are two point three millimeters

and these, which are five millimeters.

Fascinating, Captain.

These measurements clearly indicate

prints made by three very different organisms

weighing approximately 125 pounds,

183.253 pounds

and 390 pounds, respectively.

So, anything else?

How long would it take for you to hack into a website called

www.pandafanatic.com?

We're in like Tolkien.

Here's a picture of the guy who runs the site.

His e-mail address is m.sickinger@ penningtoncorp.net.

Pennington Corporation.

That's Pennington, Jr.'s father's company.

Oh, he's so cool.

Isn't that the kid who rides to school in the limousine every day?

Yes. And he's extraordinarily popular.

Of all the tables in the cafeteria,

his is the furthest away from mine.

(LAUGHING)

Do you mind if I keep one of these?

Of course. Okay.

I'll just, um, be on my way.

I'll be on my way. I will talk to you later.

Really?

And you won't even pretend like I'm not there or give me a swirly?

No, no!

Awesome!

(WHIMPERING)

ACE: Grandpa, I'm pretty sure he's dead.

No! He's just a good actor.

Dead dogs don't get dinner!

All right.

Hard day at the office?

It's just that I found all these clues to help Mom's case,

but... to do that, I had to break my promise to her.

So, you're working on a case?

Yeah.

You know what they call those working on cases, don't you?

Yeah. Cops.

Face it, Grandpa, I'm just a kid who lied to his mom.

I don't know what to do.

Well, you can start by being who you are.

Who you were born to be.

Now, lying to your mom is one thing,

but lying to yourself, Ace Jr.,

son, that leads to a life of disappointment.

That's not normal.

I will be normal.

Ha!

Hi, this is Pennington Jr., with a very special message just for you.

You're invited to my birthday party. Lucky you.

Yes, I'm invited, I'm invited, I'm invited.

I'm invited!

ALL: Whoo!

(SCATTING) Press.

Perez Ventura, I'm here to interview Pennington Jr.

(GRUNTS)

No, not on the list.

List? What list? I don't care about no stinking list!

I'm with The Daily Rumor Mill.

School paper?

Familiar with freedom of the press?

It's in something called the Constitution of the United States.

You should read it sometime.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tase me, bro.

First amendment violation!

Put me down! Let him through.

Put him down, boys.

Now that's admissible evidence.

I haven't been humiliated like this

since they started making us shower after P.E.

(GRUNTS)

We're on a tight schedule. You got three minutes.

(CAMERA CLICKS) Oh!

Is that a forest up there?

Man, you gotta clip those nose hairs.

You could make a teddy bear out of that.

Wow!

Clean up Bigfoot here real nice.

We Penningtons pride ourselves

on our good relations with the press

but the invitations have already been recorded.

There's really nothing I can do.

Waiter, lunch. Please, take this pass.

It will get you into the school gymnasium on the day of the party

where we'll be webcasting the whole thing.

It'll make headlines.

Oh, that's terrific, sport.

Here's a few for you.

"Billionaire Boy In Liposuction Incident."

Or, "I Had Pennington Jr.'s Alien Love Baby."

I'm great with Photoshop.

You're threatening to invade my privacy and blackmail me unless I give you information.

I'm paparazzi. It's what I do.

But I will get off your back

if you tell me about this guy.

Dr. Michael Sickinger.

A brilliant scientist who worked for our animal genetics laboratory.

It's one of the finest.

Indubitably.

Unfortunately, he's quite insane.

Incontinently.

He harbors a bizarre hatred for panda bears.

Incomprehensibly.

Does he still work for your father?

Oh, no. We fired him just a few weeks ago.

I believe he's now the Chief of Non-Telegenic Species Research

at the Dinosaur Fossil Foundation.

What?

I don't know what it means either.

You'll have to ask him yourself.

Oh, I will.

(CAMERA CLICKING RAPIDLY)

Bye-bye, then.

Every shot I take, a Picasso.

(SIGHS)

No touching the camera!

Where is my rabbit, loser?

Nice to see you, too, Tara.

You were supposed to find Breezy a week ago.

You owe us for the extra therapy session.

I can't comment on an ongoing investigation.

Ah! Holy magenta, you guys look like a box of crayons!

Uh-oh!

Why do you guys always travel in a flock?

Ladies, is this really necessary?

Can't we just talk this over like civilized adults?

You can IM me and I'll text you back!

You said I had 72 hours!

You've had eight days.

Two kinds of people, people.

People that pee in the pool and people who lie about it!

Find Mr. Chompers or you go swimming again tomorrow.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(MOCKING GIRLS)

What?

Get to class, Ventura!

(MOCKING TEACHER)

I gotta break into Dr. Sickinger's office

at the museum so you can upload his hard drive.

Oh, I can only do that in my lab.

Would you get out of there?

Come on, the coast is clear!

Sounds like a three-man job.

Hey, why are you all...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

With the wet, okay?

About the three-man job...

I know someone.

But it's gonna take all my power of persuasion

to convince this beautiful animal lover

to commit a level-five felony.

Please help me break into the Dinosaur Fossil Foundation

so we can stop the guy who stole Ting Tang

and save my mom before she's sent to prison!

(GASPS)

Um, okay.

Really?

Yeah.

Are those from my mom's garden?

Nah. (OXNARD BARKS)

Shut up.

Right this way, folks. Stick together.

Okay.

You are all in for a very special treat.

The rarest, most complete Tyrannosaurus skeleton in existence.

It has an estimated value of $100 million.

A-ha.

Do not touch it.

$100 million?

You want your koi fish back, you're hot... or not.

Don't worry, this plan is gravy.

Everybody, stay close. We're on a tight schedule.

Come on, T-Rex, cool.

I'm sorry, sir. No pets allowed.

He's my Seeing Eye dog.

He's facing backwards.

And you're not blind.

I can see again! I can see!

It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

Sir...

I mean it, you... Fine. I'll take him off.

I'm so sorry about all this.

(BARKS)

Uh-uh! Make him stop doing that!

He's a dog, it's a bone.

Do the math.

Oh, jeez.

Oxnard Hueneme Carpentaria Ventura, you get back here right now!

Sir, that is a priceless skeleton unearthed in the Badlands of...

Oh, puh-lease! This thing's lasted millions of years.

It's going to survive a little doggy love nibble.

(CREAKING)

Maybe not.

Oh, my! (PEOPLE GASPING)

Okay, okay.

I told you it would work.

Now go, I'll meet you in the Dinosaur Cavern, go.

(GASPING) (PEOPLE MURMURING)

Security!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on. let's go!

(ROARS) (SCREAMS)

(ANIMALS SCREECHING AND HOOTING)

(DIALING)

A-Plus, are you there? ARNOLD: Affirmative.

Oh, this is so cool.

Now I have two friends!

Let's start a band. Do you play an instrument?

I used to play the bagpipes,

but my legs are too skinny for a kilt.

Come on! I'm in the office and it's really freaky in here.

Tell me what to do.

Oh!

GUARD: Don't let him get away!

Huh! (GUARD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Argh!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

Ha!

Okay. Your program's running.

ARNOLD: One other thing.

What?

In my Instant Messenger,

can I move you from "Contacts" to "Buddies"?

No.

Can I put you on my Fave Five?

No. MySpace add?

Denied!

But we're friends now, right?

Sure, A-Plus. We're friends.

And you're a girl, right?

Duh.

So I can call you my girlfriend, right?

Ew! Not!

Fine, be that way.

GUARD: There he goes, there he goes!

Get out of my way, get out of my way! No, I'm going first!

(GROANING)

Okay, it's finished.

GUARD: He's over there!

Beep, beep!

Copy that.

Come here!

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Jeez, with the sneaking up on me, okay?

Mission accomplished.

Where's Ox?

Well, I don't know, he's a lone wolf.

You're putting that bone back.

Fine, I will.

GUARD: All right, he's in the tunnel!

Give me a flashlight!

Let's go this way!

(GUARDS GRUNTING)

GUARD 1: Stay where you are! GUARD 2: Come on!

GUARD 3: Fan out.

Do you Heely?

* I got a girlfriend

* Only she don't know it yet

Shall we? Let's do.

* Get up! Get up! Let the good times roll

Fun time's over.

(GRUNTS) Huh?

* Feel like everyone else just needs to see through different eyes

* From the outside looking in we shout the anthem of our lives

* And just like everyone else

* I feel the pain each time I try

Go!

* But I'll fight the bitter end *

Hey, that's my girl!

Ha, got you!

(GROANS)

Ha-ha! Got you!

(WHISTLES) (GUARDS GROANING)

ACE: Vamonos!

LAURA: You're not gonna let him keep that, are you?

I'll put it back later.

Hey! Good job, Ox.

Where are the kids?

Where did they go?

Which way?

What?

Bunch of idiots!

Oh, man!

Her financial situation is dire, and, as the bears' keeper

she has ready access to the panda house at any time.

The agency's skilled forensics team has concluded

that the only fresh footprints at the crime scene

belong to Mrs. Ventura.

I object!

JUDGE: Excuse me.

Who are you?

Ace Ventura Darrow Hutz Junior, Esquire,

of the following law firms, one minute.

"Dewey, Fleeceum and Grab, Wiley, Little and Weasel,

"Shakem, Down and Hard, Cheap, Ambulance and Chaser, Imontha, Take and Lovitt...

"Ben, Dover and Grunt"

and the non-profit Mater Innocentus. My mom is innocent.

Your Honor, I represent the defendant.

Your Honor, this is ridiculous.

He's a 12-year-old behavioral case and the defendant's son.

He can't... JUDGE: This is a bail hearing.

Character is pertinent.

Continue, young man.

Ow, that must've hurt and it's only gonna get worse.

Pay attention.

Thank you, paralegal Laura.

You're very welcome.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS) (ALL GASP)

(ACE FLATULATES) Come on, Your Honor!

Pardon me, Your Honor. My bad.

(ALL MURMURING)

ACE: Thank you, pretty paralegal Laura.

LAURA: You're very welcome, Mr. Esquire.

Come on, boys.

Drop it. (GROANS)

Okay. I'm good, I'm good.

The only footprints that Agent Hollander and his personal CSI,

Complete Stupid Idiots, found at the scene were...

(PANTS) Okay.

Okay, a little help. It's getting really heavy. bailiffs, please!

(GASPS)

And let me remind you, you're under oath, mister!

Actually, I'm not. I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth!

Be seated, you maggot, immediately if not sooner!

(PANTS)

(BARKS)

Anyway,

the only footprints that Ranger Blockhead

found in the habitat

besides my mom's shoeprints, were panda prints.

The average panda weighs 352 lb,

with a body mass index of 21.34.

At over five feet in length,

the panda has slightly offset weight distribution.

They use a thumb-like, modified sesamoid bone for stability

and they would create a five-millimeter deep footprint.

But, as you can see, these are 2.3-millimeter deep footprints

that I just created by adding 75 lb to my weight.

A man weighing 183 lb would indeed establish

a print depth of 2.3 millimeters.

We are looking for a 183-lb man,

not a... Mom, how much do you weigh?

110. You wanna be free or not?

Uh, 135.

135-pound woman.

If the footprints don't fit, you must acquit.

(APPLAUDING)

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL) JUDGE: Order!

Order. Thank you, thank you!

That's Ventura with a "V" as in victory.

I plead for acquittal, Your Honor.

Game, set, match!

Cut, print, moving on and scene!

Let me get this straight.

You trespassed on a federal crime scene.

Or...

you're just making all this up.

Um, well...

Mmm. ...it's a hypothesis.

A theory, if you will.

Well, that's terrific, tiger.

But, listen, right now,

the grown-ups have to send your mommy to jail.

Unless, uh, someone else wants to put on

a Halloween costume and vandalize the courtroom.

(ALL LAUGH)

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL) Order.

I'm sorry, young man. It's an interesting theory.

But this case involves an endangered species,

international relations.

Bail is set at $500,000.

Oh!

Melissa Ventura, you're remanded to the custody of the state of Florida.

(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL) (SQUEALS)

MELISSA: Ace,

where did you get all that information?

You promised that you wouldn't. Yeah, but Grandpa said

that he... He carries around a dead dog, Ace.

It's not dead, it's just sleeping.

I thought I could help you solve the case

by finding Ting Tang or something,

but no one believes me, not even you.

Of course I do.

I just don't want to lose you.

Like you lost dad.

Yeah, like I lost dad.

I realize now that no matter what I say,

you're gonna be who you are.

I want you to know the truth about your dad.

I just didn't talk about him or what he did because I...

I didn't want you to follow in his footsteps.

Well, what happened to him?

(SIGHS)

He was on a case.

Using an ultra-light plane, he was leading

a flock of disabled Canadian Snow Geese back to their

winter breeding ground in Miami.

(SOBS) They said that he got disoriented

and he vanished from radar somewhere over the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, Ace.

Time is up. Gotta get you on the bus. Oh, oh, ah...

I've been saving something for you.

Your father bought this.

He wanted you to have it when you were old enough

and now you are.

Look up in the attic. You'll find it there.

No, Mom, I promise, I'll be normal.

Be who you are, Ace!

No, Hollander'll find the real panda-napper

and we'll be a real family again.

I love you, Ace!

I love you, Mom.

Ace, I'm so sorry.

So, what do we do now?

Nothing. I'm a loser.

It's over.

Sorry about your koi fish.

Come on, Ox. (OX SQUEALS)

Hey, Laura, where the heck is Bermuda?

I have no idea.

That's not what I think it is, is it?

I guess.

Your mom gave that to you?

Yeah, but it's not important.

What about the animals?

Animals have never brought me anything but trouble.

I gotta be like everyone else, Grandpa.

You can't.

Well, I will if it kills me.

You'll never be like everyone else

'cause you're one in a million.

Just like your ancestors.

Just like your father.

Eat your own food, Ox.

I've been trying to get you to figure this out,

but I guess I'm just gonna have to come out and say it.

Say what?

The magic word.

Don't you know what you are?

I'm... I'm a kid, right?

You're more than that.

You're a pet...

...detective.

Like my dad?

Yeah.

Well, what was he like?

Just like you.

And you know...

...this thing you threw away?

This is the key to your future.

(SWITCH CLICKS)

(GASPS)

All righty, then.

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

(TARZAN YELLS)

* Trix are for kids and men are for tricks

* Ace, he's the number one pet

* Dick, no need for a fireman

* When your cat's up a tree

* He's the one that you hire, man

* Down with the ladies as a lover

* Undercover

* Yo, tell 'em where he's at, my brothers

* Yo, Ace is in the house

* Yo, Ace is in the house

* Yo, tell 'em where Ace is at

* Yo, Ace is in the house

Nice outfit.

(GIRLS GIGGLE) Let's talk fashion.

Tara's wearing the latest in the "Spoiled and shallow" collection.

Love the shoes. Hate you!

Ventura, our therapist said for us to order you

to stop inflicting emotional damage on us.

Franken Berry called.

Count Chocula wants his wardrobe back

and the sun's out, get back in your caskets.

Is there a veterinarian in the house?

Because these are some sick puppies. Ahhh!

Hey, watch the hair!

Oxnard, I need you!

(BARKS)

(GROWLS)

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

Time for another motivational dunking, dork!

No, but you don't underst... (OX GROWLS)

(BARKING)

Jeez, next time you're late like that, I'm buying a cat.

(ALL SCREAMING) (BARKING CONTINUES)

Tell your dog to back off, Ventura.

Are you crazy? I'm not going near him!

He looks rabid

and he can smell your fear.

(GIRLS SCREAM) You are...

Spartan! (OX BARKING)

What about our alligator?

I told you I'd find him and I will.

But right now I've got bigger fish to fry.

Oxnard! (OX BARKS)

Allons-y,

muchacho!

Oh, and sorry about that whole buying a cat thing.

Ace?

Ventura

Junior...

...Pet Detective.

Um, okay.

What's wrong?

The question, young Laura, is what is right.

The answer...

Everything.

So, you feel like solving that case?

Thought you gave up?

Even Tiger Woods shanks one from time to time.

But the past is past.

Now, A Plus?

Wow! This table is great.

I looked through Sickinger's hard drive.

He's a biological researcher specializing in... Hmm.

...non-telegenic, endangered organisms. GIRL: Hey!

In English, Mr. Spock.

He advocates for ugly animals.

He planned a demonstration for like-minded activists

at a publicity stop for a famous feline.

Okay, I didn't understand a word you just said

except for "ugly animals" and "Sickinger."

He's organizing a protest at Tabby the tabby's autograph session

at the Animals Actors Studio at Universal, Orlando.

Oh.

Well, it looks like we're going on a field trip.

L'chaim!

I'll take a few of these for the road.

Two percent next time. A field trip?

Wait, do I need a permission slip? ACE: No, you don't!

WOMAN: Have a meow-tastic day. (CAMERAS CLICKING)

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day."

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!" Thanks for coming.

Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!"

Thanks for coming.

Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!"

There's Sickinger!

Tabby says, "Have a meow-tastic day!"

No justice, no peace!

Equal treatment for ugly species!

No justice, no peace!

Equal treatment for ugly species!

Take him down! He's an eco-terrorist!

(CROWD GASP) OFFICER: Cease and desist immediately

or I'll be forced to use this!

Don't even think about moving!

Slow down! Just stop!

(ALARM BLARES) Ah!

SICKINGER: Tase me! Don't tase me, bro!

OFFICER: Get him! No justice, no peace!

No justice, no...

(SICKINGER CHOKES)

We shall not be silenced!

Be quiet!

Ugly animals of the world, unite!

You have nothing to lose.

This guy is crazy. But your leashes!

We shall not be silenced!

(ELECTROSHOCK WEAPON ZAPS) Ouch!

WOMAN: Ahhh! Tabby is gone!

Find Tabby! Tabby's gone!

Yikes! Tabby's been nabbied.

Tabby! Tabby! This is bigger than I thought.

Tabby! Sickinger must be running

some sort of criminal animal-napping network.

Oh, the humanity!

Tabby! Tabby! Where is Tabby? I know you don't want to, Ace,

but you better talk to Hollander.

WOMEN: Tabby's gone. Now he'll listen to you.

You're not listening! I'm sorry, what? (CHUCKLES)

Dr. Sickinger. We saw him.

He was creating a distraction at the Animal Actor's stadium, when Tabby the tabby vanished!

This is a major criminal network.

We have evidence.

Tabby the tabby. Catnapped.

Ting Tang. Well, you know what happened to him.

Princess. Championship West Highland terrier.

Her Majesty was stolen from a meaningless, self-important

international dog show last week! Freedom the hawk.

Mascot for the Stars and Stripes Burger Company.

His freedom was taken away when he was stolen from

the Jacksonville veterinarian last month!

They even took Snuggles, the fabric softening bear.

They took Snuggles?

Yes! And?

Sickinger's organization is stealing famous animals!

Yeah.

Jeez! You're welcome for solving the case, doing your job!

Need me to wipe your butt for you?

I just did!

So, when can I get my mom back?

Ten, 20 years, I'd say. What?

You see, doorstop, a major investigation

like this takes on a life all of its own.

I think your mom's guilty

and I spent all morning on CNN saying she is.

Her case is putting this agency on the map.

I mean, look at all the stuff they gave us.

And that's just the beginning. Get this.

"CSI: Fish and Wildlife."

Guess who's gonna play me?

Gumby. (GROWLS)

I didn't want it to have to come to this, Russell.

But now it's on. Uh-huh.

Ha! Ha!

Out. (MUMBLES) With the pushing!

I am gonna get Sickinger, solve this case,

prove my mom's innocent

and show the world what an idiot you are!

Uh-huh. Nice hair. (ALL LAUGHING)

TOUR GUIDE: This used to be the most pristine

Tyrannosaurus skeleton on Earth.

Formerly valued at $100 million.

ACE: (CLEARS THROAT) How much is it worth now?

(SIGHS) Substantially less.

Please

do not

touch it.

Let's move very carefully to the gift shop.

I don't think it looks that bad.

Here, you put it back.

You put it back.

SICKINGER: Yes? Dr. Sickinger...

(GRUNTS) ...I presume.

(STAMMERS) Wait!

Uh... Uh... Who are you?

Ace Ventura, Jr.

Pet Detective.

(LAUGHS, SNORTS) You're kidding me, right?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

(LAUGHS) I get it!

Young supporters of the cause, yes!

Oh, it's brilliant! Yes, yes.

You're never too young for political mobilization, huh? Huh?

We don't want to join your movement.

Look, buddy, my mom's in jail because of you.

Oh. So tell us where the panda is,

so we can get him back to the zoo.

If I were going to steal an animal from the zoo...

...the panda is the last one I'd take.

I don't think you understand.

(GUITAR PLAYS)

SICKINGER: This is the Madagascan aye-aye.

Ugh.

The Proboscis monkey.

Ah! Big nose. Ugh.

SICKINGER: (CHUCKLES) The Chinese Paddlefish.

Oh. Ugh.

The Marabou Stork.

(SQUAWKING)

Yeah, all of them endangered.

Yet, no one's ever heard of them.

You know why?

No.

They're hideous.

Ugly.

Butt-ugly, actually. You got it there.

Ugh! Ugh! Whoops! (CHUCKLES)

(CHOKES) Sorry, that one's from vacation.

Ugh! Ace, shoot me now.

Lights, lights.

And this has what to do with the panda?

Well, everything!

We put all of these "cute" creatures in zoos

and then we spend insane amounts of money to protect them.

And for what? Huh?

(GAGGING)

I started the Pandafanatic website to, uh... Ugh!

To get attention for my cause.

That's all.

I didn't kidnap Ting Tang.

Or any of those other animals.

All species of animals, including the ugly ones

should be treated with the same respect as the cute ones,

like pandas.

I think I just busted this case wide open.

Amigos...

(PLAYS GUITAR) ...vamonos!

I... I have a car.

Ace! So, what's going on?

Well, here's the plot up until now...

Our perpetrator is stealing famous animals

and there's none more famous than Calypso!

He played the hero Unicorn

in the epic trilogy that they shot in New Zealand.

His owners are doing a benefit magic performance today

and I got a feeling our thief is gonna try and steal him there!

Punch it!

Here's the plan. Doc, you watch the exits. Ox...

(OX GROWLS)

...you watch Doc. Let's go.

Hi. (GRUNTS)

ACE: Okay, when we get past this,

A Plus, Laura, split up.

Whoever finds Calypso, call in.

We'll stake out the perpetrators

and wait for them to reveal themselves.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER)

I've been looking around here all day.

I... I can't find Calypso. (HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE)

He's right over there.

For my next illusion... A PLUS: Oh!

Magic show. I need a volunteer!

ALL: Me!

A volunteer, anyone!

ACE: Me! Pick me! Who wants to be in the show?

ACE: Me.

You. How about you? No, not her, not her!

No, no, no, me! (CHUCKLES)

Hey, wanna-be magic man, right here. Anyone else?

No, me. Me. Sure, son.

Okay, go inspect the box.

You'll see that there are no mirrors.

There are no strings. (HORSE SNORTS)

There are no trap doors.

This is not an illusion. What's he doing?

I don't know.

Ace Irwin Ventura, Jr

at your service. As real as it gets.

Don't worry, you'll be okay. This is what I do.

Are there any back doors?

There are no back doors!

Are there any mirrors? No mirrors!

All right, go on.

ACE: Stranger danger! Thank you. Give him a big hand!

Raise the box.

You won't believe what you're about to see. Everyone, remain calm.

One, two, three!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

And now...

Close the box.

Raise the box, gentlemen, raise the box.

I'm a professional, so nobody try this at home.

And now...

Calypso!

(BOX DOOR BANGS) (ALL GASP)

What the...

MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT: What happened? HORSE OWNER: Where's my horse?

Where's Calypso?

That horse gets $6 million a picture. Where's Calypso?

Houdini, I want him back now. That kid... That kid right there.

The volunteer. He must know something.

ACE: What, me? No, no, no.

Where would I be keeping a horse that big, in my pocket?

Where's Calypso?

I don't know! Why don't you check

your mother's house? No, no, he's just joking.

Come on! HORSE OWNER: Kid's got my horse.

Just get him!

HORSE OWNER: Hey... Hey, kid! What are you doing?

MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT: Stop! ACE: Slow down, Simba!

LAURA: Ace, Calypso's really gone?

ACE: Yeah, my plan worked! A PLUS: What plan?

ACE: I fed him one of your homing devices.

Strawberry gummi, he loved it.

Now he's gonna lead us to whoever's behind all this treachery.

Get him! Stop!

ACE: Doc! Sickinger, start the car!

I think they have rabies!

Don't let them get out... (GROANS)

Here. Dog. Car, car.

(GROANS)

(OX BARKS) Seatbelts!

ACE: Seatbelts? What, are you kidding me? Let's go!

SICKINGER: Okay, here we go!

Where's my horse?

They're getting off the highway at Palm Grove.

That's where the rich kids from our school live.

But where exactly?

My invitation!

(MIMICKING LAURA) My invitation.

(MUSIC PLAYING) You're invited to my birthday party

this Saturday

at 3421 Tropicana Avenue.

Okay, party people.

Suit up!

Party. I haven't partied since '99.

ACE: Ox, vamonos! (BARKS)

SICKINGER: Here. Left? A PLUS: No, wait! No, up there.

A PLUS: No, wait! Wait, stop, stop! Stop right here!

Stop? No, no.

Stop? Stop! Stop here!

I'm stopping, backseat driver!

All right, Laura and I are going inside.

If we're not back by 3:00,

implement...

...Plan B.

Synchronize watches. Let's go.

ACE: A red carpet? What is this, an awards show?

Where's Joan Rivers when you need her?

Hey, you, make sure no weirdos get in here.

Talk about filthy stinking rich.

You guys in line, where's the back of the line?

Do you know where the back of the line is?

Hey, how's the wife and kids?

What's the word I'm looking for, Laura?

It's very regal. Uh, Exactly.

Egomaniacal. MAN: The iPod, please.

Thank you. Holy Shaq!

How many puberties have you gone through?

(BEEPS)

All right. Thank you.

Wear the wristband at all times.

Whoa. Invite only, kid. He's my date.

What, did you lose a bet?

(LAUGHS) You're killing me, Smalls.

How about you pick on somebody your own size?

Like Sasquatch.

Now band me.

Gray areas are off limits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ALARM BLARING)

Electronic device. Here.

Don't touchy the hair.

I haven't been treated this badly

since I got sick in a country with socialized medicine.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

Ten thousand shares of Exxon stock!

Awesome!

I got a Rolex.

Didn't you bring him a gift? Yeah, I got him the one thing he doesn't have.

What? Nothing.

Holy real estate!

You know, this place probably has its own ZIP code?

I bet you we're gonna need an exit visa to get out of here.

Shh! KID: Best party ever!

Bananas!

(THUDS) WAITRESS: No!

MAN: Get out of the way, please. Make room for Mr. Pennington.

Ooh, it's Mr. Big Scary Billionaire Man. MAN: Get out of the way.

Pirates of the Caribbean

is the other side of town, sport.

Don't touch me.

MAN: Stay back, people. Thank you.

Out of the way, please. He was mean.

MAN: Get back there, please.

Young ladies and gentlemen...

...may I direct your attention

to the sky!

The Pennington Estate now proudly presents

the moment we've all been waiting for.

Put your hands together and welcome my son,

Pennington, Jr.!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Wow! Big deal.

PENNINGTON, JR.: Hi, how are you? Great to see you.

Thanks for coming.

How are we gonna get inside?

Oh, I know.

Let's crash into the back door

in our million dollar personal helicopter.

Ace.

I'm working on it.

Oh! Hey, Laura, glad you could make it.

(SCREAMING CONTINUES) Hi, how are you?

Well, I asked my father for the best party ever

and, as you can see,

what a Pennington wants,

a Pennington gets. (CHUCKLES)

So, for the next four hours... I got it.

...please, do not embarrass yourselves... Let's go.

...by breaking any of the following rules.

Dad.

Gifts in the party bags are not tax deductible.

Do not take any photos.

Anyone found to be outside of the designated areas

will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Have fun, kids!

(APPLAUSE)

PENNINGTON, JR.: We'll cut the cake in 45 minutes.

Until then, happy birthday to me!

Ace!

(GRUNTS) I'm thinking.

Down here.

Yeah.

ACE: Ow! Watch the hair!

(BOXES CLATTERING)

Will you stop spinning? I'm dizzy.

Let's go.

Ooh, the tunnel of love.

In your dreams, Ace.

How did you know about that?

Oxnard. Big mouth!

I got it.

ACE: Follow me.

Who's the man?

They could have seen you!

Why do you keep doing that?

That's just how I roll, baby.

(SNIFFING)

If Scooby-Doo has taught me anything,

it's that one of these books will activate a secret door.

(CONTINUES SNIFFING)

Earthy, sweet,

a strong bouquet of bamboo with a slight infusion of crocus.

Just a touch of wild grass and...butt!

I smell panda poop.

Excellent year.

(EXCLAIMS)

How did you know that?

I'm a meddling kid.

(SNIFFS, GASPS)

Dookie marks the spot.

Must be

Poo-mas. (CHUCKLES) Or Jimmy Poo.

The Penningtons think they're smart,

but they're actually quite poo-pid.

(CHUCKLES) We've caught them brown-footed.

They really stepped in it.

Okay, Ace, enough with this crap.

What... Oh... (GIGGLES)

You said "crap." You did. Okay, fine, fine.

(PHONE RINGS)

MAN: National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife, how can I direct your call?

Oh, yes, um, I have an anonymous tip for Agent Hollander.

Is he currently on

doodie?

(WATCH BEEPS)

Uh, gum! I need a piece of gum!

Here.

We received an anonymous tip instructing us to come to this address.

From whom?

Anonymous.

The tip said that the case of the missing panda cub

has been solved! (GROANS)

You're the one who called in the tip?

That's it, Short Stack.

Now you're in big trouble. No. He's in big trouble!

We found these shoes in his closet!

It proves that my mom didn't steal the panda.

I think I understand.

This cartoon

has taken advantage of my son's hospitality.

He's found some cheap costume store haberdashery,

snuck it in as a birthday gift and planted it in my home

and now he expects you to believe that I used these ridiculous things...

in the commission of a crime? (CHUCKLES)

Yes!

Can you believe this guy? I mean, he's pathetic!

I'm glad I'm not in his shoes!

No pun intended. He's been trying to save his mom with

all sorts of crazy theories.

Get rid of these.

He came by the NBFW command center

just the other day. National Bureau of Fish and Wildlife?

Yeah. I play golf with your director.

You'll have to join us for dinner next time he's in Florida, Agent...

Hollander. Russell Hollander. No.

That would be great. So, how's the panda investigation coming?

I read that there had been... Hey, Hometown!

You're not here to be interviewed!

Now arrest this guy and let my mom out!

Uh, would you excuse me for one second, Mr. Pennington?

Call me Pennington.

Don't you worry, Ventura.

I'm gonna make an arrest, all right.

Two of them, in fact. Because you're out of control!

Oh, you wanna see out of control? Let's go, right now! Ha!

Ha! I win, Bedhead.

Take these two in.

Ex-squeeze me?

(GRUNTS)

I'm gonna make sure you're both locked up until the panda case is completed.

We don't need any more distractions.

(WATCH BEEPING)

Three o'clock!

What the hell is that? (HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE)

Plan B.

SICKINGER: Sorry! Sorry! (PANDA SQUEALING ON STEREO)

Ah, panda song.

Here we go.

Uh-oh. Hello!

Hello. The sweet sound of a mother panda

calling her young.

Hello! Uh-oh.

Oops! We're out of power!

The house is clean!

(PANDA CALLING)

Check around back!

Okay...

HOLLANDER: They're small. Why'd you let them go?

They're little people! ACE: Turn it up! Go!

Ting Tang will hear his mom calling him! Come on, you guys!

HOLLANDER: Catch up with them!

Let's go! Go! Get the guy with the boombox!

(OX BARKS)

Stop!

ACE: Over there, lead them over there!

(SICKINGER EXCLAIMS)

(PANDA CALLING STOPS)

Congratulations.

You found my horse stalls.

HOLLANDER: Sir, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

Just get him off my property!

Silence! They're all here.

Come on, Half Pint, I'm getting tired of this. Ha!

Don't go near those doors!

(GASPS)

ACE: Princess! (BARKS)

Tabby! (MEOWS)

Otter! Piggy!

(PIGGY SNORTS) (OTTER SQUEAKS)

Tortoise! Freedom the hawk! Be free!

Possum! (POSSUM SQUEALS)

(CHUCKLES)

(SQUEALING) Ting Tang, I found you! Touchdown!

Go to the haystack! I'll be right back!

HOLLANDER: Oh, no, you don't. (PENNINGTON CHUCKLES)

(HORSE SNORTS)

Come to me, my jungle friends!

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEALS)

(MEOWS) Whoo!

(YELLS)

Vamonos, amigos.

You had everything, sir. Why did you do this?

I decided to start an animal collection.

I wanted only the most famous pieces.

Smooth ride for stolen property, Pennington.

And what a Pennington wants...

...a Pennington gets.

Mr. Pennington, Sr., sir,

you're under arrest.

Chicka, chicka, chicka. Wack!

Yahtzee!

Oh, what's that on your tie?

(SNORTS) I win.

Exit stage left. Come on.

(QUACKS) He's going to jail, he's going to jail!

Ace, you're a really great pet detective.

(CHUCKLES)

What can I say?

Like father, like son.

(GULPS) I'm good, I'm good. Let's go.

LAURA: So, um, when are you gonna find my koi fish?

I just solved a huge case!

I'm working on it.

Nothing to see here.

Just one of your fellow classmates

taking down a powerful billionaire

for stealing celebrity animals.

Hey, I know where you're going and my future license plate is going to be

"A-C-E, JR." Oh!

Where's he going?

Like father, like son.

Like father, like son!

Come on!

You guys want your pets or not? Come on!

(KIDS YELLING)

GIRL: Let's go get our pets!

(SQUEAKS) DANIELLA: Mr. Chompers!

You stole our pets? (ACE GRUNTS)

I'm the pet detective here.

He stole your pets.

He wants to be just like his dad. (GRUNTS)

"He wants to be just like his dad."

(CHUCKLES) Cruel, shallow, and selfish.

You forgot filthy rich and egomaniacal.

We're Penningtons. We can have whatever we want!

Oh, you're quite a pair.

But this time an Ace trumps a pair! (CHUCKLES)

You did not just make that lame joke.

Oh, I did, sir, and you and your dad

are going to look great in matching orange jumpsuits.

(LAUGHS)

You think you're a good detective?

Solve this. (MR. CHOMPERS ROARS)

The fish...

...is about to disappear.

(GASPS) (ALL GASPING)

Greeny! No!

Come on, I need help!

Open his mouth, I'm going in.

SICKINGER: No way! Ooh! Five of you are going on a mission.

Couple of you probably aren't coming back.

(SCREAMS)

Ace, be careful!

ACE: What the... Mazel tov.

DANIELLA: Easy, Mr. Chompers.

That's where my hair dryer went.

ACE: His mouth is closing! People, his mouth is closing!

I think I got him! I got him!

SICKINGER: Careful!

Ew! I think I just squeezed his liver, it's disgusting!

(ALL CHEER) Greeny!

No!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GRANDPA: Way to go, Sparky!

Grandpa, what are you doing here?

I'm taking ten minutes off from retirement to help you wrap up your first case.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Hey, Sparky, good going, good, Sparky!

I told you, I told you he was sleeping.

Who had the hamster?

And the snake, and the turtle, and...

Thanks, Ace. It's what I do.

Now, uh,

Laura, since I solved your case...

...there was something I kind of wanted to tell you.

What?

Um...

Well, it all kind of started

when I met you in third grade Don't be shy, Ace.

You like me.

You have a crush on me.

No.

I have a huge crush on you!

That's what I just said.

I'm good, I'm good now.

All right, let me just get my sea legs. This way.

I am Ace Ventura, Jr., Pet Detective

and I declare all of your cases

closed!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL: (CHANTING) Ace! Ace! Ace! Ace! Thank you!

GRANDPA: Ace Jr...

...you the man!

Actually, you know what, Grandpa? You're right!

I am the man!

Whoo!

Get over here, Laura.

Whoo!

(TING TANG SQUEALING)

(APPLAUSE)

MEN: Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) I am so proud of you, Ace. MONKEY: Ventura!

Thank you, honey. I love you, too, Mom.

All righty, then!