Original subtitles

Wait! Negatus! Come on! I'm telling you,

I've found them, the missing ones.

-And you're sure? -Yes, if I had a reputation, I would stake it on it.

If we're quick we can save them all before Dick rises.

But we must hurry, come!

Sorry I took so...

Wait, Debbie! Wait...for...me!

Damn it!

They're all here.

The missing ones!

Oh, my God! Come on!

Well, don't just stand there, help me! We need to get going.

Oh, yes?

Going anywhere nice?

Ha-ha-ha!

Why are you doing this? Well, you said it yourself.

Bad...wig.

WIG CACKLES

Far, far ago,

the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world to save us from the shadows.

Or so I'm told!

Parasite. For quillennia that word plagued my species,

cast out and left to dry by a world that feared our powers,

while these blanks with their stupid bones

and opposable thumbs grew strong!

They're not blanks, they're people!

They are mere hosts for something greater, just like...

-Me. -Yes.

For years I searched for the perfect host, one long-forgotten,

but with powerful connections.

Dick!

Morning, Wood, time for my beating?

Imperatrix is dead.

You're free to go.

That's even better! I'll fetch my things.

'He was perfect. My time had come.'

Are you OK?

Yes. Yes!

I feel like a new man.

And slightly warmer.

And so began my rise to power!

Harnessing my cuddly influence.

It was easy to dupe the dull-witted populace,

hosts for a whole army of my loyal offspring.

A new generation of my blighted race.

Only one thing was missing...

The perfect host for my perfect bride - you!

Your bride? Well, don't sound so surprised!

I'm a catch! I've got ambition, great hair...

Um... Well, that's about it, actually,

but that's enough for my backcombed beauty...

the Queen Beehive.

Dyeing... My roots need dyeing.

In time, my pretty.

But first... Let's give you a little body.

Time for your appointment!

Please, no!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, and, Negatus, we would very much like to thank you for your loyalty.

Well, vouchers are always nice!

But, sadly, we cannot.

Say what now?

Did you think we didn't know of your treachery?

Uh-oh!

No, I...

changed my mind, I brought her to you...

Too little, too late, my friend.

You will be taken to the Marsh of Jodie to rot in its foul miasma.

No, please! I have so much to give! Ooh, like what?

Um...

I was kind of hoping we could stay quite vague about that.

-Hmm. -You don't understand...

He's not who you think he is! Lord Cutts,

our friend here kindly led us to the Elders' hideout.

Perhaps you could go there and, um...

Kill them all?

HE CHUCKLES

HE CACKLES

So...

My Queen.

My King.

HE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS

WIG CACKLES

THEY CACKLE

There. So, you see the problem?

Oh, yeah, that's nasty.

I'd get some help if I were you.

I already did!

Debbie, no!

That's the Elders gone, Debbie gone, there's only one thing for it...

You know that thing we said we'd never do?

The thing in the bath?

No, the other thing.

-Come on. -Ah... Long journey ahead.

Isn't it obvious?

Cuddly Dick is going to kill Negatus unless we go and save him.

No way! His Darkness has abandoned us more times than I can count

and a lot more times than Jeff can count.

I can get to five now, but only if I miss out the one before three.

-Oh! -Please, Neil, I know there's a good creature inside of you.

OK, fine.

But that's cheating, because you saw me eat it.

Oh!

Come on, then.

PHONE RINGS

CACKLING Isn't laughing fun?

PHONE RINGS

Debs, it's me.

Look, what's going on?

I've got house contracts here still not signed.

They need to be in by 5pm

otherwise the Waters will pull out of the sale

and I really don't want to test the Waters.

Thank you!

Dad, I forgot, can you sign this for the museum trip?

Yes, sure.

Ben, have you got yours?

Mum signed mine. Oh, right, so she signed that?!

Have you still got it?

Let me see?

Get your coats. Daddy's got to do something...

morally questionable.

Meanwhile, two brave travellers set off in search of salvation,

over the Mountains of Foe,

through the Forest of Wooo

and across the Swamp of Budget-Prohibitive Monsters...

ROARING

Aah, my ear!

..finally reaching The Vaguelands,

home to those not wishing to be found.

Finally, I think this is the one.

You wait there. I'll try not to run off(!)

Anyone home?

No sign of him in there. You didn't look very hard.

Well, I was pretty thorough, but I can double-check

if it makes you feel any...

Well, I've checked the loft,

checked the garage and he's not in the stables...

Ha! He's still got it!

-What? -Right,

we know you're in there and we're not going anywhere

until you show yourself.

Oh, for the love of...!

I'm retired!

The Time Being!

Whatever it is, I can't help you.

We had an agreement, no more time travel outside of these walls,

not after last time.

Oh! Is this place bigger on the inside?

No, it's just open plan.

Oh!

Mm. Well, that's too wet. I'll make a cake.

Sorry it took so long, I burnt the first one...

Damn timers didn't go off!

CLOCK BELLS RING Aah!

Well, it's too late now!

Look, I know what we agreed, but this is important.

You know the chosen one, Debbie Maddox?

We really need... HE SPEEDS UP TIME

..took the Elders as well!

Yeah, sounds terrible, but there's nothing I can do.

If you meddle in the past, you mess up the future, it's a minefield.

But this is different. The present is already ruined.

He's right, even I can't maintain my usual cheery optimism(!)

Please, you have to undo this.

OK, fine, but on your heads be it.

Great! So, where to?

Well, when did it all go wrong?

So, you see the problem?

Oh, yeah, that's nasty.

I'd get some help if I were you.

I already did!

Debbie, no!

I came and got you.

OK, then what happened?

This did! You said to go back to when it went wrong.

Yeah, that does sound like me.

Terrible idea, we're far too late, she's already gone.

Let's go home and make a cake!

Wait, no, if this is too late, we go back further.

Back to when? I mean, when does anything really begin, you know?

Easy, this all began with that bozo in the wig.

My friends, I will fix this, but for the moment you must run, run!

This is it, the day Dick took the Elders' chamber.

OK.

Brothers and sisters, the time is now...

Oh! Job done! Him and the wig are asleep or dead or something

and Debbie never gets caught! Bully!

So, let's get back to the previous present.

You mean back to the future?

-Who's the time traveller here? -Uh.

And we're home! Now, in terms of expenses, do I invoice you or...

Uh! Oh, no, down! What?

The last of your rebel friends will be neutralised by nightfall.

Now to conquer your realm!

No-o-o-o!

Kill them all!

OK, it's not ideal, but could we live with it?

I-I think we could live with it.

Gods, we've made it worse!

Without Dick in charge, the Overlords have gone to war.

Yeah, they'll do that.

Luckily, I have a tried and tested way to undo a bad timeline.

Which is?

Brothers and sisters, the time is...

..now!

Seriously, this is your solution - shovels?

Well, you can use rakes, but it gets very messy.

What unrealm are you lot...? Oh!

I resent being used for that.

Sorry.

Hey, me again.

It's done.

Contracts are signed, sealed and delivered to the solicitors.

Maybe don't ask me how, hm...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..but Glasgow here we come!

I promise I won't do the accent when we're up there.

Hear that, kids? The adventure is on!

Well, don't be like that!

What's Birmingham got that Glasgow hasn't, eh?

Lailah.

Marcy. Petra.

Auntie Ruth.

She's not a real auntie, is she?

The pond we found notes in.

The treehouse.

Mr McNeil's dog.

Hamster Heaven.

Christmas Tree Corner.

Granny and Gramps.

I know. Look...

Sometimes...

..grown-ups,

you know, they...

Ugh! It's moments like these

I really regret having you lot clipped!

It's OK! If Neil grabs the cage,

the momentum should snap the rope

and send you crashing to the far side.

But won't that hurt?

Not that I'm a coward, it's just, I've got this dodgy knee, you see,

and... Don't worry, it'll be fine...

Yeah...as long as we get a clean launch.

-Jeff?Huh? -Cut the rope in five, four, three...

-One! -No! Argh!

Two, Jeffrey!

-What happened to two?! -Well, at least you've got company now.

Things could always be worse.

-Ah. Ah! -You just had to say it, didn't you?

But if we came here to stop us from changing things in the future,

then doesn't us coming here also change things?

Good question, I'll try not to get too scientific about it,

but, basically, the way that time travel works is thus...

You have a timeline.

Here's the past... Now...

..of future events!

That all makes sense now.

Excellent, and remind me to come back

and put a chalkboard here at some point.

So, what now?

Cake? Do you want a cake? I could eat a cake.

Well, whacking Dick didn't work, so,

I guess we need to go further back in time.

Pick a moment when we can stop Debbie ever getting into this mess.

Well, when would that be?

Well...

Oh, it's beautiful here, Mr Havelock.

It seemed only fitting.

You see, Miss Fanshawe...

-Yeah? -Uh, Rachel...

-Oh! -The thing is, I was rather wondering...

Yes?..if you would do me the honour...

Yes?..of...

-Yeah? -Of...

-Yes? -Sorry, coming through! Urgent business! Whoa!

Yeah, a little rough terrain there! Quick, there it is!

And you're sure this is it?

Yes, the first time Debbie came through.

If we stop this, she never came to Yonderland.

She's safe.

Huh? What unrealm?

I thought you went through to get what's-her-face?

Uh! He's right!

Past me is still in Debbie's world.

If we close the portal, that means I never come back, which means...

Oh, for the love of...

Sorry, past me, that timeline didn't work out, yeah.

What's going on?

Nothing, just a nightmare.

Probably woodworm!

..never came to Yonderland. She's safe.

-Oh, don't! -Huh? That does not end well for you.

No, we need to go back further.

We find Nick as a sapling, start a small fire...

No, we need a new plan!

Just going further and further back in time is not working!

Well, don't shout at me, I told you this wouldn't work!

If you're Professor Doctor Time Travel Expert Man all of a sudden,

what's your big plan, little fella?!

I don't know! I don't come up with the plans, that's Debbie's...

Uh! That's it!

Debbie will know the answer. Let's pick a time and ask her.

No! You can't get someone to solve a problem in their own future,

the universe will implode!

Or they'll get slightly confused, it's one or the other.

It's OK. I think there is a way.

Oh, come on!

Woodworm!

Oh! Lose some weight!

What happened? Where am I?

Well, you know the New Forest?

-Yeah? -Wow! Did I really used to look like that?

I mean, that hair!

I don't know, I think a lot of people preferred it.

So, where to?

The Imperatrix has already won!

PUNK MUSIC PLAYS, EVERYBODY SCREAMS

'And that was Ram Raid by The Kiss Pistols.'

So that music's not in my head?

'You're listening to DJ Chaos on Panic FM - smashing hits,'

while you smash windows.

Hey!

Follow me. I think I've got a lead.

Right, here they come.

You distract old me and you so I can talk to her.

This is weird in so many ways.

Hello, gorgeous.

Come here often? Huh?

Give me a minute here. All right, be quick.

So, panic in the streets, eh?

Quite the pickle. So, what you thinking?

Well, if I can find the DJ, then I can use his broadcast to...

Yeah, yeah, but generally speaking, with problem-solving,

-what's the big secret? -Um, there is no big secret, you just...

A bit of thought, really, goes a long way.

-Like less is more. -Uh!

Less is more! That's it!

Well, what's what?! Oh, nothing, just...

-Back to work! -Yeah.

Uh, pretty face, but not much of a kisser.

Good work, sweetheart.

-Oh! -We're thinking too big.

Really? We just put make-up on a stick.

With the time travel! The further back we go,

the more our meddling snowballs.

You mean...?Yeah.

-What do you mean? -I'm saying we should go back

by the smallest amount, change one LITTLE thing.

-Is that it? -I feel I made quite a big sacrifice for that.

Hang on, what's the little thing?

< Riot sale!

Get your Debbie wigs!

Hm.

I've found them, the missing ones.

-And you're sure? -Yes, if I had a reputation, I would stake it on it.

If we're quick we can save them all before Dick rises.

But we must hurry, come!

Come on!

Sorry I took so... Wait, Debbie!

Wait...for...me.

Damn it!

Why are you doing this?

Well, you said it yourself...

Bad...wig.

WIG CACKLES

-Elf! -What the...?

Oh!

Who the hell is...?The Time Being. The shovels are my idea.

Debbie, I'll explain in a sec. Don't worry, I'm...

just going to change one little...

-thing! -What are you doing, you fool?!

Oh!

Oh, dear. Oh!

Good lord, I feel...

I feel more like my old self.

A bit colder, though.

Good. Welcome back.

Now, put this on your head and say exactly what I tell you to -

the future of the realm depends on it.

My lord...

Um, Debbie's escaping... That way! Quick!

Uh...

Ah, the old Scooby-Doo!

Not a sentence.

We did it! We actually did it!

He's right! We're back in the now!

And with no repercussions of...

Oh, actually, what do we do about spiky head?

We could stick to the Wig's plan and let him rot!

-I don't want to die! -No.

If we do that, then we're as bad as that thing.

It's OK, I know what to do with him.

There's more than one way to turn back the clock.

What about the Elders?

Well, if the Overlords are locked up now, then I guess they never...

More tea, anyone?

Now then, did we decide about lockers?

Hang on. If none of the bad stuff happened,

then I never would have come and found you, which means we...

Elf? Elf!

All right, don't shout!

You're the one who shut the flipping door in the first place!

Ooh! What's happened here?

You're the best friend I ever had.

OK.

Friends, it seems that under the spell of some foul follicles

I was less than cuddly towards you,

and for that, I offer you my sincerest apologies.

You owe your thanks to a humble elf, but above all,

to the sage advice of...

ALL: The Chosen One!

Oh, get off it!

We are most grateful to past you and alternative him for saving us

from those awful things, which now never happened.

-Am I drunk? -And I've made a card for the Time Being

to express our gratitude for his theoretical assistance.

I'm not sure that reads how you think it does.

Well, the important thing is that we have our lovely Dick back

and all the complications are dealt with.

Oh, my God!

Peter sold the house.

THEY GASP

Oh, you're back. Yeah, I'm back.

Look, Debs...

I'm only thinking of the family.

It's just, you know, all our memories are here

and the kids don't really want to go.

And then there's my mum and dad...

What are you saying? Well, didn't you get my text?

I went back to the solicitors...

Well, I can't go, Debs.

You know, I can't go to Glasgow.

Oh, God, do you hate me?

No! No, I love you, you massive tit!

I just think we would have regretted it, you know?

And you can't turn back time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Don't worry, Your Darkness, we'll visit every week!

What? For the whole three months?

-Two, Jeff!Oh. -Two!

I can visit twice a week if you sign this form.

What the hell's a...

con-jug-al visit?

Oh, Gods!

Mmm! Oh, I have missed the shallow trappings of consumerism,

but I might still wipe with leaves for the time being.

I fail to see what he gets out of it.

But, well, each to their own.

I'm just so glad to be back to my old self again,

though I am thinking of looking into plugs.

Oh, do it! I've never looked back and it is a new age.

The chosen one's returned

and there's no more talk of this "Scot Land".

Oh, is that a real place?

I assumed it was some sort of weird fantasy thing.

You know, if there's one thing I've learned from this episode,

it's that even when death seems so close at hand,

if you have faith in your friends...

it may not truly...be the...