Original subtitles

Come on, guys, you can watch this rubbish later.

TV:'..how much this means to you. I want this 110%.

'Cos at the end of the day, singing is me destiny.'

Look at this - next-door's cat's gone missing.

Stolen...probably.

Honestly, the crime rate round here! We are getting out just in time.

Where's the remote?

Debs, can you please remember to sign this today?

There's no off switch! There's literally no off switch.

Debs, contracts. Needs to be at the solicitor's today.

-Uh-huh. -Problem?

No!

Good. Nothing.

Right, is that ACTUAL nothing

or upset with me for reasons I can't guess nothing?

I said "nothing", so...

OK, well, if nothing's wrong, then...then I'll be off.

-OK. -Right, come on, kids!

Come on, Daddy, time for school!

GLASS SMASHES

Don't worry. It's just some pickle. You've got a spare.

-What are you doing?! -Food for the Elders. You said it was all right.

At least take some vegetables.

Hang on!

-What's all this?! -Ah, right, well.

I just took stuff I knew you wouldn't miss.

You know, remote control, the single sock, the window keys,

batteries... That is exactly the sort of stuff people DO miss!

What are you doing with it?

I'm selling it.

Stuff from this world is worth a fortune on the other side.

And I've still got those debt collectors on my back. I need the money.

OK. Take it.

Take it all. What do I care?

I'm moving, apparently. So whoever buys this place can deal with all the permanently locked windows.

So you take everything. Knock yourself out.

No, no. It's OK.

I do know where to draw the line.

MEOWING

I'll put it back.

Oh!

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour

come from a distant world

to save us from the shadows.

That's what your mum said, anyway.

It's feeling much more like a home already.

Is it possible just to buy the golden bits of fluff?

I don't know. Look, guys, can we please just get back to the mission?

Has anyone heard from our secret spy?

Ah, the secret spy? Yes.

No.

We've not had contact for quite some time with the secret operative

we call Agent Negatus.

Eh? Eh?

And they call it intelligence work!

So our double agent has gone completely silent and no-one's concerned about this at all?

I'm sure Agent Negatus will report in soon enough.

Whoever he is!

Yes! Telly's working. Just needed more ham.

ALL: Yes!

-'Yes, it's him! -And me.'

Here to say, don't forget to tune in later for... Miss Smashing!

-I don't want to do it. -Yes, it's the beauty contest anyone can enter,

but only the smashingest will win.

They won't. They're all rubbish.

Feminism still hasn't reached here, then.

Feminineising?

Like equality for women. Have you never had any bra-burning?

Of course we have. Only last week I saw someone burning a bra.

No, not a bra - a witch.

And she burned just as well as any man, so...

'..with a top prize of one million gold whatnots!

'So come on down to Miss Smashing, the beauty contest with a difference.

'No, it's not. It's the same.'

So glad Miss Smashing's back. It's like real life, isn't it, but on the screen

-and with more crying. -Yes.

The last time Smashing was on, we had that awful dictator, remember?

It's a wonder we never rose up and deposed him.

Something must have...

..distracted...us.

And now the show is just suddenly back on?

Doesn't that strike you as a bit strange, guys?

Guys?

Guys!

Ah, Your Eminence. There you are.

Negatus.

-Monsters. -Demons!

-Ow! -So, how are you enjoying your luxurious new quarters, No 2?

Ah, they're great, but... You did get your pillow chocolate last night?

Oh, THAT'S what was in my hair.

Nothing but the best for my right-hand man!

-Rrraarrgh! -Rrraarrgh!

Yes, speaking as your right-handed man...

I was just wondering what it was you actually wanted me to do.

Now, THAT is a wonderful question.

And you asked it

really well.

Right, yes.

But does it come with any actual power?

Increased access, for example? Codes, keys, code keys?

All in good time. Now, I really must go out for the day. I've got important business.

And you want me to be in charge? No problemo.

No, no, no. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.

You just keep on what you're -doing. -But I'm not doing anything.

Oh, so modest!

You've got to love this guy.

LAUGHING: I'm telling you!

Ooh, spying's really hard.

Hmm... I just wish I knew what to do.

Forget about spying. Work for Dick. He likes you

and he's given you more than Debbie ever could.

Hmm...

No! Forget about spying.

Just work for Dick. He likes you and he's given you more than Debbie...

That's what she just said.

Oh, well, there's no dilemma, then.

What? No! We stick with the plan.

My thirst for vengeance against Dick and his cronies

cannot be quenched by mere -hair chocolates. -Pillow chocolates.

Yes, that's what I meant. Ooh...hang on!

You lot, go and fetch all the snacks from my mini-bar.

I've just had a brilliant idea.

HE CHUCKLES

Forget about spying and just work for Dick.

-We've just done that. -Oh!

CONTINUOUS BEEP

You do know it hasn't started yet?

Yes, but if we look away, we might miss the first split...

I missed the first split-second!

'Good evening and welcome to the all-new series of Miss Smashing!'

CHEERING

Here to tell us who's smashing and who's not, please welcome our judges!

Yes, please, it's John of Temple Meads...

I'm sure they'll all be simply charming.

..timeless beauty Crone Vallandres Diego!

Class never goes out of style!

..and he's a little cross... it's Tony Positive!

I'm keeping an open mind.

CHEERING

But don't forget, our judges are just here for a guide.

As always, the contestants' fate rests with someone very special.

You...

know it! It's the Magic Mirror.

Clap, you proles!

Yes, the judges rate our lovely contestants,

but it's our marvellous mirror that decides who will stay...

..and who will go.

So why exactly are we here?

Eye candy.

< LAUGHTER The snacks you requested, o, stagnantest of puddles.

Ssh!

OK, here's the plan.

Dick is out, so now's our chance to see what's inside that secret room of his.

But we need to keep the overlord out of the way.

Oh, I get it. So we open up a snack stall, employ them as staff...

No, you crimson cretin!

We pile them up with junk food, stick a movie on, and while they're distracted,

we go snooping.

What's the movie?

Star something. It's episode one. They're always the best. -Yeah. -Right.

Oh, I should just say... Me and the guys have this little skit we like to do whenever I go in there.

It is cool. It's cool. It's very much on my terms. Just to give you the heads-up, yeah?

OK.

< BOOING AND CRASHING

They took the bait. Let's go.

Beautiful. Refreshing, and yes, smashing!

CHEERING

Well, I thought you were absolutely smashing!

Like a young me.

Apart from some lumps and warts and the eggy smell.

CHEERING

Well, I'm afraid I have to say...

UH-UH!

I loved her. Ignore that. I just happen to have a giant red X for a head.

I thought she was utterly smashing.

UH-UH! Again, ignore that.

UH-UH! Ignore that. Look at that.

CHEERING

'How does that make you feel? Just really happy and proud.

'And vindicated in my life choices. ALL: Awww!'

Well, don't be. Their opinion's irrelevant.

Yes. The real power lies with the Magic Mirror.

Angelica, would you step on to the Spot of Doom...

I mean Opportunity!

Mirror, mirror, on the television programme,

who is the smashingest of the television programme?

Angelica...

..I judge you...

..in my judgement...

..to...

..be...

She's not the one.

No. She's useful, but not special.

Let's stick her with the others.

..not smashing.

Oh! And you were my favourite.

SHE SCREAMS

GROANING

I love that bit!

-Is she all right? -No idea.

They literally disappear. Never seen again.

What, all of them?

Yes. My cousin was on it a few shows back.

Got mirrored off and nobody's seen her since.

Mind you, she did only want it, like, 85%, so there you are.

That's not entertainment! That's...

I don't even know what that is, but anyone who's on that stage is in real danger.

'And the next to compete for those one million gold whatnots,

it's the gorgeous Elfina!

CHEERING

Oh! Hello, pretty lady!

Oh, no!

'Now, on animals... I'd like to work with children on animals.'

ALL: Awww!

She seems lovely.

It's Elf! In a wig!

Can't you see that?

'So, judges, what do you make of Elfina?

'She's got an odd face and a really weird voice.'

No! UH-UH!

It's against my solid oath of gallantry to besmirch a maiden.

I will take this sleeping draught to avoid this horrible quandary.

UH-UH!

Far be it from me to rock the boat.

Sorry. Did you like her?

No, I thought she was awful. UH-UH!

Never done that before. I probably need a doctor.

Oh, well, three nos. But of course, the real decision is down to our Magic Mirror.

Elfina, will you kindly step on to the Sport of Doom... Opportunity.

-I'd rather not. -Well, I'd rather not be here, but that's life.

Oh, my God! He's gonna be -disappeared. -Ssh!

She's facing the mirror!

Elfina...

..I judge you...

..to be...

..in my magical estimation...

She's not the one.

Indeed. But the people love an underdog. Keeps them watching.

Fine. Keep her.

I don't want to do this any more. I've had a lovely day, thank you, but...

..most smashing!

CHEERING

'Well, that's a turn-up for the books!

'Underdog Elfina goes through to face our other finalists.'

CHEERING

None of this makes any sense. Can't you be happy for her?

That lovely girl is going to get her dream.

It is Elf in a wig!

People have been kidnapped right under your noses.

It's the same with the Late People.

Are you seriously going to sit there and do absolutely nothing?

Looks like there's something in the way of the screen.

Oh!

ALL: Yes!

Do none of you know hand code? -Not really. -No.

-I do! -You know hand code?

Oh...hand code!

I thought you said "Karen Smith". I know a Karen Smith.

Argh!

This means split. That means flank.

That means strike, and that means guards.

What guards?

Well...

A lot of help you are!

Weirdly phrased, but I'll take the praise.

He takes eight - eight sandwiches. And I tell you something else - he doesn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you think you're doing?

I'm guarding the door with you, ain't I?

No, not you! Her.

I need to get into the studio, OK?

-Hey! -Not so fast.

H...e...y!

-More like that? -No, not you! Her.

Look, I'm a close personal friend of one of the finalists, OK?

That's what they all say. Well, some of them.

Actually, I've never heard that before. But that's not the point.

The point is, you are NOT allowed inside.

What if I need the toilet? No, not you! Her.

All right!

HE WHIMPERS Not this again!

Look, sorry, all right? Sorry I made you cry.

Shouting at me!

I'm under a lot of pressure right now.

We're all under a lot of pressure!

Nick! There you are. Where's Elf?

Hairs and makeup.

Debbie! What are you doing here?

Look, you're not safe here. This whole show is some kind of front.

Oh, I get it.

You're jealous, cos all eyes are on me for a change.

No, of course not. But doesn't that strike you as strange?

I mean, look at you! What's wrong with this look?

Nice hair, bit of eyeshadow. Eyeshadow?

Yeah. You know, to give you that gap.

Oh, for God's sake! Elf, listen to me.

I think you're in danger here.

That mirror isn't picking beauty contest winners. There's something dark going on.

Yeah, there is.

You trampling my dreams!

Now, I am going out there to become the nation's sweetheart

and you can either like it or put a lump on it.

It's like it or... I don't care what the right phrase is!

ELF SIGHS

'Send the rejects to the vault. Over.'

No, it stinks! Get it out of here.

Excuse me, honey - you're in the final?

-One of our lucky girls? -Er, no.

Then what are you doing here? It's contestants only.

Security!

Come on, you need to go. No, no, no. I mean, yes.

-You ARE in the final? -Mm-hm.

Please don't send me home. I really want this, like, 115%.

And I'm prepared to be totally out there, because I'm a little bit crazy!

But I'm totally real at the end of the day. I'm not too fazed.

I'm not here to make friends. If people don't like that, they just have to deal with it.

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we've reached the toenail-biting final of Miss Smashing.

Who will the Magic Mirror select to take home the one million golden whatnots?

ALL: Ooh!

And we are down to the last three.

-Four! -Three.

It's four, you old fool! Look.

GASPS

-Oh! -Oh!

You just couldn't let me have this, -could you? -Shut up! I'm saving your life. I think.

So...special contestant number one...

Or should I say number chosen one?

Laugh, damn you!

LAUGHTER

..what is your skill, and is it smashing?

Yes, it is.

GASPS

Stop the show! Stop her!

I can't - she's blown the circuits!

I know you see me.

Well, guess what? I see you.

This show is a sham!

To keep you smiling and clapping while they lie and scheme.

While they take your husbands, your wives,

your sons, your daughters.

There is something rotten in this realm

and it's time you stood up and said, "I am mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!"

CHEERING

She's ruining everything!

No. She's exceptional.

Why didn't I see it before?

She's perfect!

Because where there's smoke and mirrors,

there's always someone behind it.

Isn't that right...

Cuddly Dick?

Oh, yes!

She's the one!

Negatus?

What are you doing in here?

CHANTING: Chosen one! Chosen one! Chosen one!

This has never happened before, Eric.

Chosen one! Chosen one! Chosen one!

Ladies and gentlemen,

it looks like we have a winner!

CHEERING

OK. I'll take care of this.

-Best series ever! -Absolutely! What a journey! What a message!

Let us rise up against Cuddly Dick!

THEY GROAN WITH EFFORT And...

My back... Mine too.

Best not rush things.

Shall we see what's on the other side?

'Scenes of a graphic nature and explicit porking throughout. It's Celebrity Pig Brother.'

ALL: Oooh!

What happened was I fell over in the corridor and I caught my jacket pocket on the door handle.

Were you spying on me?

No, never! Sir, how could you ever question the loyalty of Negotus... Negatus.

Um...is...? Hmm...

Uh...

Forgive me. Such curiosity should be applauded.

It shows initiative. I knew I chose my deputy wisely.

Sit. Sit, sit, sit.

Well, it seems now that the chosen one might have value after all.

And if someone were to find her,

well, then,

that could be valuable for them too.

The GameThing Advanced with 4-D heads-up display.

Ooh!

'What do I do? Debbie broke me out of jail, saw the good inside me.

'But Dick can give me wealth and power.

'And next-generation graphics.

'Debbie or Dick...

'Debbie or Dick...'

Debbie or Dick?

Debbie...? Sorry, did you just say "Debbie"?

Hmm?

Yes!

If it's Maddox you want,

I can bring her to you.

Good boy.

Why do you want to bring her here?

The Late People!

Yes, that's right, No 2.

But why do you need them?

Can you keep a secret?

-SPOOKY VOICE: -Good!

Oh! I was not expecting THAT!

CHEERING

And quite the journey, eh? I bet -you're glad it's all over. -What?

No! No, that was just the start.

People are going missing and we don't know where they are.

I do.

ALL: Negatus!

You're right - it IS Cuddly Dick.

He's got them all. I've seen them. You have?

Can you tell me where? Oh, I can do better than that.

I'll show you.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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