Original subtitles

So, it is decided.

You will return to the occupied chamber

and your former employment with Cuddly Dick,

and you will find out anything you can about the late folk.

Missing...

..of Yonderland. And we will be listening in...

-using this. -Ah.

Yes, now, just think of that ear like an ear.

Hoo-ha! FEEDBACK SCREECHES

Two, three! Seems OK.

Now, they mustn't suspect that you're working for anyone else, OK?

You really need to earn their trust.

Make people believe that you will do anything for Dick.

OK, yeah, I'll be your spy.

But let's talk terms and conditioners.

I want to be one of you guys.

-An elder. -Whoa!

THEY LAUGH

Steady on, sunbeam.

It's not just anyone who gets to -be an elder. -Yes!

Only the most fiercely intelligent -of the realm are selected. -Oh, no!

I think I got too close to the fire again.

THEY SIGH Well... Take it or leave it.

Well, how about we make you chief...

-I'll take it. -No, I wasn't saying...

Pap chat, pap pap. Pap pap.

You're really trusting him?

Well, we have to.

He's on our side, now.

Come on, he's on his side.

He's only interested in personal -gain. -Ah!

My Life With The Chosen One? That is totally different!

Everything I wrote in that book is the truth,

or a version of the truth.

And if anything, it is a travesty

that I am now in massive debt,

and they'll never get to hear my side of the story.

Oh, give it a rest. It's not as if...

Why are there two of me?

THEY SCREAM

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces will sweep our realm

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows.

Ooh, just got deja vu.

Well, how do we fix it?

Well, I don't know, it's never happened before.

Maybe if we go back through. Good idea.

-Did it work? -No!

What's going on?

You tell us, we've swapped bodies.

HE LAUGHS

-What did you do?Me? -Yes!

Did you open a freaky fortune cookie or

put a coin in a haunted arcade machine?

I don't know what those things are.

Well, you must have done something.

-Let's...try again? -Yeah.

Oh, no! This is a nightmare!

Look, I'm sure we'll sort it out sooner or later.

Sooner or later? Sooner, please!

Why? You haven't got anything on, -have you? -Oh!

-The open house. -Can't they do that without you?

Oh, yeah - and end up selling the house...?We can't let that happen.

Exactly. OK, OK, let's think about this.

There must be some way to reverse this, which we will work out.

In the meantime, people will be arriving in a few minutes.

We can still put them off. At least Pete's at work.

DOOR OPENS Debs? Is that you?

THEY GASP

Did you have the same idea?

I know the estate agent told us not to be here,

but Sam at work tells me

that people are more likely to buy

if they can smell coffee and cake.

Great!

And I just thought we could be here to answer any questions

they may have about the neighbourhood and schools.

Exactly!

Ah, getting some good ideas for the -new place, yeah? -Yes.

Right, I'm going to go get changed.

Oh, what do you think's more friendly? Jumper or shirt?

Jumper...?

Cool.

-I need a drink. -Don't you dare! We have to fix this.

I'll go and see what's going... You're not leaving me!

Well, I have to be here, that means you have to stay!

-Oh, no. -Look, it'll be fine. You know how time works over there.

I'll just be a few minutes. Just wait here.

And don't speak to Peter.

But don't let him sell the house.

But I should be back in a few secs.

Great.

DOORBELL RINGS

HE GASPS

Clean it up!

HE LAUGHS

It's just a few insignificant villages, my lord.

But they are calling her the chosen one again.

Persistent little creature, isn't she?

Do you think someone should squash her?

Hmm? Hmm? I...

DOOR SWINGS OPEN

Look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, and Negatus has returned.

You've got a nerve coming back here. A nerve and no brain!

Now, now, let's hear what he's got to say, shall we?

My Lord, I have learned my lesson,

paid my dues!

And I stand here before you, helmet in hand,

to beg you forgiveness and pledge to you my undying loyalty.

-That's very commendable. -Hmm.

HE COUGHS

I was...proud.

And...?

And I'll take the bins out,

pair all the socks up.

I'm willing to start at the bottom.

Good!

Because the bottom was very much what I had in mind.

TOILET FLUSHES Oh, that's better.

Why can't they do it for themselves?

Next.

THEY LAUGH

-Laugh it up. -Have you been to the -toilet yet? -Oh!

THEY LAUGH

No, I haven't.

I'm bursting to, actually,

but I refuse to accept that I'm trapped in this body.

Now, can we start talking about how to fix this, please?

The magic of the portal is mystical and mysterious.

-So, you don't know? -No.

I don't see the problem.

I mean, this very much cuts out the middleman, doesn't it?

So, leave it like it is?

-No! -Why not?

Because I'm married, for one thing.

And I'm not leaving an elf to be the mother of my children

and the wife of my husband.

He could do worse.

-What?ALL: -What?

Pap, pap, pap. It's clearly an anomaly with the stick!

How are you feeling, Nick? Utterly miserable.

Seems perfectly fine to me. -CHIEF ELDER: -Quite normal.

Oh, what a thorough diagnosis, thank you.

Now, there's only one thing for it.

-What? -We must give you a new name.

I vote for Delph.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

You're just going to give up?

You can't leave me like this!

Well, what do you want us to do, dear Belph?

We're not scientists.

Scientists?

Hang on.

Ah. Hello.

-Where's the woman? -In here.

Come on, Debbie, where are you?

Don't let me down, girl.

Right. They're here.

A lot of interest in this place because, well,

it ticks a lot of boxes.

Hi. I didn't realise you were going to be in.

No, well, we decided that we could answer any questions.

All right.

Um, well...

That's... Yeah. Erm. OK, so, shall we...?

Yeah, yeah, great.

Well, why don't we start upstairs with you two.

Then, Debbie, if you show these guys around down here. Yeah?

Ah, well, I thought I would just...

Yeah, just come through and I'll...

I'm not sure it takes four people to look at a hallway.

You better follow me, then.

Since Imperatrix hoodwinked me into that abominable robot project,

I've dedicated my life solely to inventions for the

advancement of good.

-So, what have you made? -The fun gun!

Arrgh! Ho-ha!

Ha-ha! Oh, yeah.

It puts the subject in a state of helpless physical ecstasy for

up to ten seconds!

Ohhhh...

-Very useful. -You want a go?

No. Look, this is urgent.

I think Nick might be the problem,

so I'd rather you didn't shoot him with lasers.

-Oh, please. -OK, then, Nick.

Let's have a look at you.

Ah, well, there's nothing there.

Oh, hang on. That's interesting.

-What can you see? -A little hole. Well, yeah.

How else do you think I...

Oh, not that!

A wormhole!

Oh, like a tunnel in the time-space continuum?

No. Like a worm has made a hole in the stick.

-Ah. -And I know exactly what kind.

Ah, here we are. A two-headed timber grub.

It's a curious creature.

If the energy of the portal passed through its body,

it would almost certainly cause an anomaly in your molecular transfer.

Great, so how do we swap back.

You need to recreate the exact conditions of the swap.

OK. And how do we do that?

Easy!

-You need to find the worm. -Oh.

ODD BURBLING NOISE

Psst!

Hey. Here!

I thought you were back in prison.

Let's just say we had to come to an arrangement with one of the guards.

I don't want to talk about it!

-We've come to help, my Lord. -Shhh!

I'm on a top-secret mission,

and I don't need you guys blowing my cover off.

DOOR OPENS

Just saw His Lordship coming out of the forbidden room.

I wonder what he's hiding in -there. -Hmmm.

Must be important. Nobody's allowed in but him.

You'd love to have a peek, wouldn't you?

What do you think His Eminence would say about your curiousity?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

Better be careful what you say...

Or you may not have a tongue to say it.

Or a head to think it.

Or some... Yes, I understand.

-I'm sorry. -Good.

-Breath fresh, sir? -Get off it.

Lollipop?

Oohhhh. Did you hear that?

There's a secret room,

but they'll kill me if they catch me going in there.

Must be another way.

Hmm.

Hello? Hello, can you hear me?

How do I even know this is working?

I mean, what's the point of me talking to you

if you can't talk back?

Ohh. I'm not going snooping around,

it's too risky.

Not putting my neck on the...

-Demons! ALL: -Yeah?

I might have a little job for you, after all.

Mmm. This is nice. So much storage space.

No, yeah, definitely.

You know, I have to say,

I've got such a good feeling about this place.

No, yeah, definitely. I just think...

So, did he tell you?

-Sorry? -Tell us what?

Oh, that is bad.

He was meant to tell you before you came.

Because a lot of people...

are funny about...

murders.

-Murders? -Yes, I said murders.

They were buried right where we stand.

Who?

Three men and a little lady.

Have they gone? What, they didn't want to see upstairs?

Strange. Well, did they say anything?

Peter? Is there any way we could have a look at the loft space?

Yes, of course.

Are you sure this is the spot?

Yes, it was definitely here.

Well, I can't find any worm.

Well, it must have wriggled off.

Or been eaten by a bird. -Not helpful. -You're welcome.

Think positive.

If we search a square cillimetre per minute,

then I estimate that we'll find it

in a matter of months!

Oh, great!

I'm going to spend the rest of my life in this weird little body.

And God knows what's going on in my house!

Hang on. What if the worm didn't wiggle out here?

What if it fell out the...

-Haauuh! -Arrgh!

Oh! Oh, look, a shoe!

Oh, no, that's mine, sorry.

Ha-ha! I'm wearing it! False alarm!

OH, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!

Great news, O, baddest of habits.

We've found the forbidden room.

We could see in through the vent. Yes!

I knew you wouldn't let me down. What did you see?

Oh, the place was crawling with Overlords.

-Coming and going. -How many?

Never more than two at a time.

Facing the wall, like they were hiding something.

Or locking themselves in these tiny rooms.

This is great!

And there was this man with a bad perm and a weird beard.

And the smell of bleach.

Whoa, who, whoa.

Is it possible you've just spent the last three hours

looking into this room through that vent?

ALL: Oh, yeah!

You cretins! Now go and find me the real secret room.

I think that was undercooked!

Second thought,

job swap.

You're a hard little man to find.

Even your pretty wives don't know where you are.

Wives?

Not Melanie, Nicole or Natalie or Shaznay.

We work for your friends at Crapple Publishing.

And guess what.

They want their money back.

Isn't that crazy, huh?

Huh?! So here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to take this here gag off your face

and you're going to tell us where the money is.

I don't know what money you're talking about.

Amnesia.

That's not funny, Mikey. It's a serious condition.

-I'm sorry. -My mother had it when she -fell off a donkey. -OK.

Look, I haven't lost my memory. I'm not even Elf.

I know this sounds ridiculous but we are trapped in each other's bodies.

I'm Debbie Maddox, the chosen one.

Sure, you're the chosen one!

And I'm Princess Gwendolyn of the cloud people.

Come on, Mikey, that's funny.

Well, don't laugh now, it's -patronising. -I'm sorry, OK?

I just...

Come on, Debbie...

I really like the place, I think they're going to make an offer.

That's good news, isn't it?

Are you sure you didn't say something to put that other couple off?

I thought you'd come round to the idea.

Debbie.

What's going on?

Debbie, don't just stand there.

Just talk to me!

Wow.

Hold that thought.

Now I'm going to ask you one last time.

Where's da money?

I told you, I don't know.

Show him your toys, Mikey.

SQUEAKING

-Other side, Mikey. -Oh.

Few minutes with Mikey here ought to listen your tongue.

No!

No, please!

Please!

What the...?

OK, it can be useful. How did you find me?

Crackle pods. Based on lithium smell senses.

Your halitosis guided me here.

Elf's.

Same difference.

Hurry! It's wearing off!

Why, you dirty...

WHISTLING

What do you think you're doing?

I...

-This is a direct betrayal. -Shh!

Guards!

What's this ear?

FEEDBACK

We've lost Negatus.

You're wearing a wire.

Gentleman, what seems to be the trouble?

He was trying to look into your secret room, your brilliance.

-I had to kill him. -But I'm not dead.

Look, he was wearing a wire.

No, no, no, that's yours.

He was lying.

Are you telling me that my most trusted general was a traitor?

Yes.

Well, thank you, Negatus.

It looks like you arrived just in time, doesn't it?

Clean this up.

No, no, not you.

You've already proved that you're beyond that kind of menial chore.

We should talk about promotion, shouldn't we?

But seriously, it is a really nice road.

It's a nice road. It's also a nice house and we haven't seen it all yet

so if you give me five seconds...

Where have you been?

It's torture in here. You want to talk about torture?

I've just narrowly escaped having a tooth extraction

from a couple of debt collectors.

Well, I've just had your husband's tongue in my mouth

and I do not want to stick around for the sequel.

Have you found a way to fix this? It's a wormhole.

What, like a disruption...

No, an actual worm was in Nick when we went through.

An actual two-headed something or other.

We need to put it back in there so we can swap back.

Right, where is it?

Well, we looked everywhere the other side, so that leaves...

Grab it! I'm trying.

Come in, come in, come in.

So, this is probably the best feature of the house.

Hey, get off me tail. Tail, don't you mean me head?

What do you want?

Can't you see we're eating?

Yeah, this is the most delicious stuff we've ever tasted.

I don't care! You're coming with us.

You're getting back in and swapping -us back. -Why should we?

What's in it for us?

How about a whole box to take home?

Um...

THEY CONVERSE

-BOTH: -Deal.

Well, now that we're about to get back to normal,

I'd just like to say, I've learned an awful lot from being inside you.

-Don't say it like that. -I just mean, you've got a difficult job.

Yeah, you two, and four wives?

I don't see them much. Too busy working.

I hear you. Right, now all we have to do is put these buyers off.

How should we...?

This is the...

-Hello. -Hiya!

Everything all right?

We'll be in touch.

You haven't seen the garden yet.

God, I hope this works.

That feels weird.

What on earth happened with them? They seemed so keen!

I think the rats are back.

CEREAL POURS OUT

Bye! And thanks so much.

Going to have to diet after this.

-The worm has turned. -Don't do that.

So, must be nice to be back in your own body again.

Elf?

Oh, sweet momma.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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