Original subtitles

Seriously, Dad, there is a family

specifically looking for a three-bed on this street.

It takes all sorts.

They put an offer in today, but no.

Debbie wants to do this open house.

-Why's that? -Get a rival bid, drive the price up, I suppose.

You're sure Debbie wants to move?

Yeah, of course.

Pete, it's happened again.

What? How?

You're usually such a good driver.

I don't know. It got in my blind spot and I just hit it.

Twice.

OK, go, take your shoes off.

-Hi, Nigel. -Yes?

Why are you dressed like that?

It's good for my back apparently.

What, pyjamas?

No, we're doing juego de mani.

It's an ancient martial art developed in Cuba by African slaves.

Great for golf strains according to Maniseros.

What's Maniseros?

I am Maniseros.

You will join us?

No, I'm going to go swimming. I'm just going to grab a sandwich.

OK, but don't make a mess.

The estate agents are sending around a photographer this afternoon.

ELF CLEARS THROAT

Don't judge me.

I won't.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour

come from a distant world to save us from the shadows.

If that's OK with you.

Hey.

Ah, yes, nearly enough for a roof.

So how are we all getting on?

Oh, you know, cold, homesick and starving.

You can't have run out of supplies already.

We're down to the basics, Debbie.

It's the last lemon and we've almost run out of mixers.

We did book a cocktail waiter, but he's late.

Yes, four, nearly five days now.

-Days? -That's nothing.

People have been getting later and later lately.

-Have they? -Yeah. My cousin Belmont has been late for weeks now.

That's not late, that's missing.

Potato, patootoo.

Seriously, guys, if people are going missing, that's bad news,

and it's got Cuddly Dick written all over it.

We have to find out what he's up to.

We're going to need a mole.

What use is a mole?

Like a man on the inside.

A man inside a mole?

I mean like a plant.

And the mole eats the plant?

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

I mean like a person who is a bad guy but who might

have a grudge against Cuddly Dick.

OK, let me know when this stops being confusing.

That's it. Look.

Negatus?

Oh, yeah, he'd be perfect,

if he didn't want to kill us all and he wasn't in prison.

But what if we could break him out of prison?

Then he'd be in our debt.

And we could make him our plant in a mole...

costume...man.

But he's in Yonderland's high security death prison,

Maximum Bygraves.

Nobody's ever broken out of that place.

Well, nearly nobody.

-Huh? -I was just a kid, man.

Just a kid who didn't know any better.

But you know how to break out?

Oh, yes, yes. In fact, I know the escape route

like the back of my hand, because I got it tattooed on the back of my...

Oh, no, it's actually on my bum cheek.

So it is decided. Debbie, you will get yourself thrown in jail

for some minor offence and then you will break Negatus out.

-Why me? -Well, it was your plan.

Come on, Debbie, let's go study my buttock.

Has anyone got any other ideas?

-Anyone? Anyone at all? -No.

Anyone?!

Operation Break Negatus Out Of Prison - plan 704.

We use the inherent height of the perimeter fortification

as an obtuse-angled fulcrum for the rung-based stealth extraction tool.

You mean put a ladder against the fence?

Erm, yeah. If you like.

What if it's an electrified fence?

It's 30 feet high, Rita -

I very much doubt it's also electrified.

FRAZZLING AND SCREAMING

It's also electrified.

And where is it going to?

It's going first-class to Kissandcuddleland.

No problem.

And one first-class.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

There you go. Have a lovely day.

Yeah, all right.

Hands up.

This is a robbery.

I'm sorry, love, that's the next window.

Next.

Just some unmarked bills and some light screaming please.

HE SCREAMS LIGHTLY

Thanks.

That's lovely, thanks so much.

Same again please.

Honestly, what does someone have to do to get arrested around here?

WHISTLE BLOWS

-You're under arrest. -What? Why?

You've just trebled your sentence.

-Are you serious? -Oh, you just don't know when to stop, do you?

Rhetorical question, doesn't count.

Oh, I think that was my tummy.

We're fresh out of chow.

However will we survive?

My friends, I'm glad you asked.

Who said that?

I did.

And that's lesson number one.

Camouflage.

Lesson?

That's right.

I know what you boys are going through.

I had to learn about life in the wild the hard way, and ever since

I've made it my mission to teach anybody

new to this forest what nature is all about.

So you guys ready to learn?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're not just going to blindly trust some complete stranger

to lead us...

I'm completely won over.

Take one.

They're yours now.

When it comes to survival, these little guys will open your eyes.

Oh.

I think mine's opened something else.

I'm not sure Debbie is as keen on this move as you are.

It sounds like she's putting it off.

Please.

Talking, it interrupts the flow of the ginga.

Your mum still hasn't forgiven me for moving her to the Cotswolds.

That was 35 years ago.

I rest my case.

Which part of, "Talking interrupts the flow of the ginga,"

do you not understand?

The end bit.

OK, look, let's take a break before we attempt the bambosa.

Great.

Should have gone swimming with Debbie,

I bet she's having a lovely time.

See you in a quillennium.

F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Freezing, isn't it?

Would you mind moving away from the radiator?

Thanks ever so.

Do you know where I might find a man called Negatus?

He's about this tall, ridiculous facial here.

Oh, yes, I know him.

Got mixed up in some sort of trouble.

Ended up in...

the hole.

The hole?

NARRATION: I didn't think much of Negatus

when I first laid eyes on him.

But over time I came to think even less of him.

Are you finished, sir? -Yeah. -That's a good one, sir.

Broken, scrawny kind of fella.

A sad sight, some would say.

A pitiful, brainless...

Shut up, Norman!

I didn't think much of Negatus the first time he told me to shut up.

HE SCREAMS

Look, I know how this is going to sound,

but I'm here to break you out.

Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

Listen, you and I have a common enemy.

What? Gluten?

Cuddly Dick.

We need to put the past behind us and work together.

Oh, do we now?

Pray tell, what exactly is in it for me?

Well, you want to get out of prison.

That's a really good answer.

But how do I know I can trust you?

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

-So am I. -Yes, but you didn't get yourself arrested on purpose

to get in here.

-No, you didn't. -I know.

Look, I have the escape plan all worked out.

And as the slow man mulled this kind offer, the pretty lady

started to consider rescuing the amphibious inmate instead.

-OK, I'm in. -Great.

First we need to share a cell for the night.

You really should have put that in your pitch.

No, I mean a specific cell.

Is there a guard we can bribe?

I believe Snitchy McBung is open to the odd kickback.

OK, great, come on then. Wait a minute.

I haven't finished alphabeticising the library.

We haven't got time for that.

Fair enough. Sorry, guys. I only got up to baboon anyway.

Charges are set.

Enough to blow a hole right through that darn wall.

Right, let's do this.

I tell you, you're lucky I'm here.

You nearly left this behind.

COUGHING

Maybe just dig a tunnel.

Right, here we are, cell 414.

Thanks for the bung.

No more cold coffee for me.

Bagsy top bunk.

Right, this is the cell.

Now we just need to wait for the guards to change shifts.

We just need five clear minutes without a patrol.

Can I ask you a question?

You just did.

What turned you so bad?

You sound like my last therapist.

You had a therapist?

Yeah.

Till I killed her.

She was always harping on about one incident she said was a

"turning point" or whatever.

As a kid I had a little pet dog, Scratchy,

but one day my father decided to teach me what life was all about.

So he killed him and fed him to me in a pie.

Oh, my God.

That's so sad.

Is it? S'pose, yeah, whatever.

It actually makes me think of you in a whole different way.

Oh, does it know?

At least you knew your real father.

I never even had a chance to meet mine. I often wonder

what sort of person I'd have become if we'd spent time together.

What would we have talked about?

I guess that's why I envy Peter.

-Who's Peter? -My husband.

Oh...

GUARD: Evening, Steve, are you all right?

Yeah, not bad.

They're switching the guards. We have to go now.

I think my back might be feeling better already.

Remind me to listen to you more often in the future.

No, I think it's me that should listen to you.

Look at this. She knew we had photographers coming around today.

She's trying to sabotage the move.

Well, I did try to tell you there was something...

What are you doing? Ringing the state agent.

If they want the place, they can have it. I'm selling the house.

You're just angry. Damn right I'm angry.

Perhaps Debbie is having some sort of identity crisis.

She's been here for a long time.

Hi, this is Peter Maddox. I'd like to speak to...

Please don't go.

What?

I'm sorry.

-Dad. -It's just...

I would miss you so much.

Dad.

Dad, look.

We'll come back and spend every Christmas down here, I promise.

There's some great golf courses near Dundee.

Are there?

Yeah.

Best in the world.

Like you.

Right.

We better get on with the...

Where did Maniseros go?

MANISEROS (WITHOUT ACCENT): What are you on about?

No, no, no, no.

I told you that I was going out tonight this morning.

I did!

Looks like someone else is having an identity crisis.

I did!

Shut up!

ACCENT RETURNS: Anyway, I'm running a class

so speak to you later, my darling.

Right, now, it's straight down here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No can do.

That wing belongs to the Sister brothers,

the baddest, maddest gang in all the land.

We'll never make it through there alive - there must be another way.

No, we have to follow the map or we'll never get out.

I am not going that way.

Negatus, people are going missing out there,

and if that's down to Cuddly Dick,

then there's no telling what he might do to them.

Remember what your father did to that little dog?

Cuddly Dick could be doing that right now to innocent people.

OK. But if we're going to stand a chance in there,

we're going to need our mad dog faces.

Here's mine.

HE GROWLS

All right? Let's see yours.

SHE GROWLS

Maybe leave the mad dog -face to me. -OK.

THEY GASP

Well, well, well.

Look who it is, Ron.

Who is it, Ron?

I don't know actually.

But if they think they can just waltz into our wing,

they can think again, right, Ron.

No, I'm left, Ron.

Now, look here, guys...?

If you don't let us pass,

I might just have to teach you a lesson in manners.

HE GROWLS

Now then, have we got a problem here or...?

SLURRED SPEECH

Oh. I think you just lost a tooth.

I'm going to be sick.

So much for the tough guy.

Yeah, let's get him, Ron.

Yeah.

Hang on. What's she doing?

THEY CACKLE

Oh, that is hilarious.

That is hilarious.

Are you doing a funny face?

Funny face.

It didn't make me laugh, but I prefer satire really.

Night, Ron.

Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.

I said wakey-wakey.

Tony, come alive.

Alive and ready to jive, over.

We have two prisoners who have turned into pillows.

I repeat, two prisoners who have turned into pillows. Over.

Are you sure they haven't escaped, Steve?

OK, I see what's happened. I am in hot pursuit. Over.

Ever since my parents left me in the forest,

nature has been my best friend,

my companion,

and sometimes even my lover.

Now it's time for lesson number two, finding food.

Luckily nature's pantry is all around.

All you have to do is open the door.

Great.

Can anyone see the handle?

Tell me, where has Mr Fluffykins gone?

He's called Gerald. He's called Mr Fluffykins!

They are pre-named.

Where has he gone?

I'll show you, he's over here.

Come this way. Look. Look what he has found.

Look what he has here.

-Oh, yes. -Look.

Nickberries - delicious and good for your heartbeat.

Thank you, Mr Fluffykins.

WHISPERS: Gerald.

These little guys have got so much to offer.

He's right.

Mine's left little berries in my pocket.

Don't eat the brown ones.

Oh, no, dead-end.

No, there's a trap door here somewhere. Check the floorboards.

GUARD: Fugitives in D-wing. In hot pursuit.

Help me look.

Come on, let's face it, we're done for.

Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse.

I found it.

Tony, you're not going to believe this - the prisoners have turned into two floorboards.

I repeat, the prisoners have turned into two floorboards. Over.

Are you sure it's not a trap door, Steve?

What is wrong with me?

Get your head in the game, Steve.

This must be the secret tunnel.

The secret tunnel is a sewer.

I know you're down there. Quick, I'll go first.

No, no, I'll go - make sure it's safe.

How times change, eh, Maddox.

Not so long ago I wanted to kill you.

Now I'm prepared to jump into a pipe full of prisoners' pap to help you.

SPLASHING AND GURGLING

Oh, my mistake, here's the secret tunnel.

I want to kill you again.

And this should be the prison yard.

We did it. Told you we'd get in.

There, I told you we'd get out.

Debbie and a...swamp beast?

It's Negatus.

Oh, wow, you really stink.

I've been in a sewer!

First rule, no random killings.

-Good rule. -Come on, we've got to get out of here.

ALL: What the...? Why are you...? How did...? But you're not...?

ALARM RINGS

OK, guys, what have we learned?

That as well as being adorable, these little lovelies show us

the trivial nature of our pampered existence at the end of the day.

Good, I like it.

Ooh, ooh.

Purple one.

They've taught us how simple life can be if we just learn to live

as one with the world.

Very good.

That's right.

Now club them to death.

ALL: What?

Nature is brutal, guys.

That's the real lesson here.

It's kill or be killed.

If you think it's not, then you're deluding yourselves.

Now...

get clubbing.

But we don't want to.

Of course you don't.

Do you think I wanted to be raised by snakes?

Every hug goodnight could have been my last.

That's what nature is really like.

And if you want to stand a hope in hell of living in it,

then you're going to need to toughen up, boy.

Kill them.

Kill them all.

He's psychotic. I told you we couldn't trust him.

Since when can't you trust strangers with cute animals?

Come on, you cowards.

We are going to make a pie.

FRIGHTENED MOANING

Negatus, Daddy made you a pie.

Scratchy, boy.

Nooooooo...

OK, boy?

CHEERING

Hugs.

It's nice.

What smells?

Me.

Oh...

Yes, it seems that he wasn't quite ready for the bambosa.

Stop doing the voice.

Sorry, it's force of habit.

Hi, I'm back.

Debbie, is there some reason...?

Do you not want to move?

Yeah. Yeah.

I need a new for sale sign.

Well, I ran into it with my car. Yeah.

Can I just check? Are we still on for the open house?

It's just we're on a bit of a clock with our Glasgow move.

Sorry, did you say something?

No, nothing.

Help me get him up.

Come on, Dad.

Yeah, I need a replacement for sale sign.

Must look a bit odd.

I've seen stranger.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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