Original subtitles

Oh, this is no way to live, hiding out in our own land.

I know. What if it rains?

-Think of my hair! -Think of your...

RUSTLING

-Did you see something? -Yes.

SCARY MUSIC QUICKENS

THEY YELL

Chill out, brothers, we've all got one.

No, not that. We thought there was something the woods.

It must have just been our imaginations.

-Yes.Yes. -Just our imaginations.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces

would sweep our realm until only Yonderland remained.

But they told also of a saviour, come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows.

Thank goodness!

But we can't stay here, Debbie, because of the wisp.

-The what? -The wisp.

-The half person. -The gasman.

-The 50-50. -The old gasman.

-Whoo! -Whoo-whoo!

-Oh, you mean a ghost! ALL: -What?

We all saw it, or heard it,

or heard the others say they saw or heard it, so...

So it is decided - we shall return to Debbie's loft and stay there

for the foreseeable future.

No, it is not decided.

You are here to win back the trust of your people,

to show that you're all in this together.

Hiding in my loft is not going to send out the right message.

But we prefer it in your loft.

Come on, guys, I'm stalling my move to Scotland to help you out,

the least you can do is meet me halfway.

Halfway to Scotland? In the Middlesboro?

No, I mean take a stand.

This place would be fine if you just make a bit of an effort.

Maybe she's right! Cut down some trees, make a roof.

Why don't you pick up an axe?

-How?! -Well...

It's the twins' birthday, OK? I've really got to go.

So here's the plan -

we're going to show everyone we are still the good guys,

no matter what Cuddly Dick says.

Elf, we need to find someone who needs our help, OK?

So if you hear anything, come and get me.

-Right. -Now, come on, guys, hearts and minds.

Kidneys and legs.

What are you doing? I thought we were naming body parts.

CROWD MURMURS

Oh, here he comes, here he comes!

Could you hold my little one, Mr Dick?

He has terrible lung cack.

But of course!

BABY CRIES -Crowd: -Aw!

He's cured now.

Thank you so much for setting our land straight, Mr Dick.

It's the least I can do to put us back on track

after the betrayal of the previous administration.

Terrible business.

Now, I want you all to consider yourselves well and truly cuddled.

Oh, thank you so much!

-Thank you! -All right.

You're my favourite!

He's a lot taller in real life.

Disgusting creatures.

Yes, I know, but if we keep them cuddled, we keep them quiet. Shh.

Ah, my lord, we have some new volunteers

-for your research. -Good work. Did anyone see you volunteer them?

Not a soul, mein lord.

Excellent. Cuddle, cuddle.

Were you hoping for a firmer cuddle?

I've got the cake!

-Ben, skateboard, again! -Sorry!

Right, clown's booked for one. Party bags are all done.

-Whoa, whoa. -So... Did you just say clown?

Yeah, he did loans. He's amazing.

He does balloon animals,

well, mainly snakes, which is cheating, but...

Pete, you know I'm scared of clowns, they freak me out.

I don't want one in the house. That's making me...

OK, OK, I forgot.

It's fine, I'll just cancel the clown and I'll book a magician.

Right, thank you. I love you.

WATER DRIPS

Oh, for the love of...!

I think that plumber did more harm than good.

That is very possible. It's the last thing we need.

We've got open house on Monday.

Well, we could just move it to the following week.

-Or the one after. -No!

We've already delayed it once because of your...

very good idea to repaint the bedroom ceiling.

That was definitely a weird patch.

Hm. Well, look, we can't delay it again.

Otherwise, we're going to be renting in Glasgow

and trying to sell this place from 300 miles away.

-I know what you're thinking. -Do you?

You can't believe that this is going to be the last birthday in

this house.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Well, then, all the more reason to make it the bestest birthday ever.

Mm-hm.

Just not with a clown.

CELL DOORS CLANG

HE MOANS

-Um, Mr Big. -Huh?

I was just wondering if I could have -a go on the bed. -I'm using it.

Not really, you're just using the pillow, so...

What are you insinuating?

Oh, no, not insulating anything, I was just saying,

you're quite small so maybe you don't need the whole bed?

HE GRUMBLES MENACINGLY

Hit him, Tiny!

Oh!

MR BIG LAUGHS

What are you in here for anyway?

Oh, well, I might ask you the same thing.

Few murders, assault and battery, extortion,

a couple of bank robberies.

You?

Oh, nothing, just similar, really. He got caught doing some graffiti.

Where did you even...?

Guard, while you are here, there's been a bit of a mistake.

I have some friends in B wing, little red things,

perhaps I could get a transfer to there, please?

-Please. -This is a present, sunshine.

No special treatment.

Silk sheets and scented candles you wanted, boss?

Handsome. Bring it over, then.

Yes, Mr Big.

HE GRUMBLES

She'll never go for it.

But Debbie said, and I quote, "Find someone in need of help."

Well, I'm in need of help.

The publishers want the advance back for my book.

-Well, give it to them. -I can't, -I spent it all, didn't I? -On what?

You were there!

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, yeah, that.

Now they're sending the debt collectors after me.

And if I can't find the cash, -we are done for.We? -Yeah.

We're a team - brains and beauty.

I fail to see what you bring to the party.

Well...

Please, I beg, just give me more time! Oh.

What do you think you're doing? You'll get yourself killed,

you silly moo.

Aah!

What the hell's going on?

Oh, it's getting worse by the minute.

They're using canon now, the scoundrels.

Someone has to do something, we need help!

Lady, this is your lucky day.

Save me a crispy one.

If anything, it's worse than before.

That was definitely something.

But Debbie told us there was nothing to be cared of.

Well, she's not here, is she?

TWIGS SNAP

HE PASSES GAS

That was me.

THEY GASP

Boo!

THEY SCREAM

Enjoy your meal.

-Ow, stop it! -I told you, Jeff, it's nothing personal.

In here, you've got to prove your tough.

-That's right.

-Ow! -What?

What does a hard man have to do to get some chow around here?

You feel me?

Demons!

-ALL: -Hello, boss.

Boss? I think you'll find I'm the boss around here.

-Yeah, Neil. -Ow!

-Yeah, Jeff. -Ow!

Yeah... Oh.

You don't mind if I take your lunch -too? -Actually, I do...

..not mind at all. Here you are. Bon appetit. Bon appetit.

It's for Tiny, you see, he has quite the appetite.

Now, I hope you saved me something nice.

Well, did you, Neil?

Well, did you, Jeff?

Ow! Well... Oh.

Whoa!

Oh.

Listen up, punks, Mr Big is dead.

That's right, there's a new boss in town.

Look, is this going to take long?

I've got 20 kids arriving any minute and Pete thinks

I'm out buying candles.

You said to get you if we found someone who needs help.

Oh, and you might want to...

What's it called?

Type of bird, also means get down. Duck?

SHE SCREAMS Get down!

Oh, my God, it's a war zone. Yes, very observant of you.

You said you wanted help, -well, here it is. -Oh.

No. We all know the truth about you, thank you very much.

What, from Cuddly Dick? That's propaganda.

Look, you're in the middle of a war zone,

I think you need all the help you can get.

OK, fine, just short,

controlled bursts and watch yourself on the recoil.

Come out, come out!

Ammo, ammo!

Down!

I thought you were the victims here? Oh, yeah, they are the bad guys.

Honestly, they fire indiscriminately with

no thought of the human cost.

Aaaah!

Ha, ha, you missed me!

Your aim is about as good as your short crust pastry.

Oh, yeah? Well, eat this!

Sorry, what exactly are you -fighting over?Cakes. -Cakes?

Yeah, they are kind of a baked good, sometimes with a nice topping.

I know what cakes are, thank you.

I mean, why would you go to war over them?

It's the annual cake bake here by the lake,

you have no idea of the care we take.

All year we plan the cakes we'll make.

So it's a high-stakes cake bake.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Look, this is silly. Can't you resolve this peacefully?

I mean, cakes aren't exactly worth dying for.

Clearly, you've never tasted my black forest gateau.

Look, that's it. Cease fire. Cease fire.

Look, I just want to talk. OK?

Right, now, how did this start?

Well, the judges were late.

Late? They still haven't turned up.

And they made us leave our cakes out all night.

And some trollop stole my petal sponge,

and they knew it was best in show.

OK, well, let's not use...oh, don't flatter yourself, I'd have

won hands down if someone hadn't fingered my figgy madeleine.

OK, well, look... And one of you donkeys flattened my mille feuille.

If I find out who it was, I'm going to fix bayonets,

I'm going to come down there and I'm going to...

Oh, shut up, Sue!

Everybody knows that my dog can pipe out better icing than you.

Oh, seriously, come on... Right. -Wheel out the canon. -No, no, no.

Wait, wait!

Call for backup?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, a thousand apologies, my lord.

So, how can I help you?

It's Debbie of Maddox, my lord.

One of our spies has seen her.

-She's in Yonderland. -Oh, I see.

What was she doing?

She's trying to help some ladies resolve a dispute

about some baked goods was Mac HE SNICKERS

They don't even want her help.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

THEY LAUGH

Get out.

My lord.

KIDS CHATTERING, MUSIC

Not too fast, please.

DOORBELL RINGS Right. OK, OK. Keep doing it.

Keep going. Go round. Let the magic begin!

OK. Right.

All right, where's the birthday girl?

-Um... Problem? -Sorry, mate, you're not what I was expecting.

-I've still got my trousers on. -No.

From the ad, I thought I was booking a magician, Magic Mike.

No. No, no. Magic Mike, like the film, Sexy Strippers.

Have you seen it?

-Have you seen it? -Aye.

Look, can you do any magic at all?

I do a thing called the Elephant where I pull my pockets out...

I think we'll leave it there. Thanks for coming.

ELDERS TALK OVER EACH OTHER

We all saw it, it was terrifying! Awful!

Yes, but putting the wisp aside for just a...

But it came right up to us, -right into my grill. -Right.

It's just that there is this local war and I need to go home, so...

I'll show you what it looked like. Forget about the wisp.

This cake war is a real thing that you can actually do

something about, like speak to both sides, broker a truce.

-Arms and brains. -Hearts and minds.

How can we focus on this cake issue when there's

a malicious wisp on the prowl?!

I don't know what it is that you think you're seeing,

but I can assure you there's absolutely no reason to be...

CLOWN MUSIC PLAYS EERILY

Debbie?

Are you sure it looked like this? Yes.

OK, well, there's nothing to be scared of.

The next time that you see...

it, you just ask it nicely what it wants.

Now, I am very calmly going to leave you all to it.

Boo.

ALL SCREAM

You said there was nothing to be -scared of. -I know I did.

You said we should just... I know what I said. Thank you.

Hi.

-I'm Debbie. -Boo.

My name is Boo.

OK.

WHISPERS SCARILY: Will you be my friend?

GANGSTER HIPHOP PLAYS

Whoa!

CELL DOOR BUZZES

Oh, Falsberg, probably the -best beer in Yonderland. -Probably.

-And a pipe. -Oh. Love a pipe to chow down on. Mm!

How did you get this in here? Smuggled inside a prisoner.

HE CHUCKLES

I think you mean smuggled inside BY a prisoner.

No.

And I've given up smoking.

-Any news from the floor? -Yeah.

Apparently, Tiny's not happy with his new cell.

HE MOANS

And he says you're a coward. Ha! Course I'm not.

Says he wants a fight you in the yard this afternoon.

You better shut him up. Otherwise,

the other cons are going to start questioning your authority.

It sounds like there's only one thing for it.

You three better take him down.

-DEMONS: -Huh? Show him how tough I am.

Oh, that's the other thing. You've been released.

Yes!

Not you. Those three.

-DEMONS:Yes! -What? Why?

-Good behaviour. -That's ridiculous. One of them killed a man.

Not according to the evidence.

'Listen up, punks, Mr Big is dead.

'That's right, there's a new boss in town.

'Me, because I killed him.'

Quite ambiguous, really.

'Just now, with this.

'Just me, on my own, solo, unaided.'

OK, I can see how that might look, but...

'The killer, just to spell it out, is Negatus.

'N-E-G-A-T-U-S.

'Is anyone not clear who killed him?'

HE SIGHS

Can't they just stay until after yard time?

No.

So, you see, it's a hereditary thing.

My parents were the same, white as a wisp.

And then I started to notice it made people kind of scared,

so I tried to make myself look more friendly.

I painted on a smile, died my hair a fun colour,

started in with the music and wearing colourful pom-poms

and whatnot, but I don't know, it just seemed to make things worse.

NOSE TOOTS

Oh, that's just my deviated septum. It does that when you touch it.

NOSE TOOTS, THEY LAUGH

-Give us a go? -Well, sure.

NOSE TOOTS

THEY LAUGH

What about the ridiculous shoes? I've just got big feet.

Sorry. HE WHISPERS

Um, well, look, now that you know he's not a gasman,

can I please get to the party?

Yes. And we will go and see if we -can start this war. -STOP the war.

Oh, lucky I checked!

Write that down."Stop war."

What ever would we do without you, Debbie?

I honestly don't know.

Could you bring me back some food?

I'm awful sorry to ask, but the last time I ate was

a couple of days ago, and that was just a teeny tiny bit of cake.

-Cake? -Mm-hm.

-And who gave that to you? -Nobody.

It was just kind of out on display.

What?

-Hi. -Are you hiding from me?

Actually, I was just looking for you, I couldn't see you anywhere.

I'm 8'11".

Well, I can only really see personality, so...

Are you ready to roll?

Actually, I've got this recurrent medical issues with my knee.

Well, that's OK, I'm only going to hit your face.

That's very decent of you.

Well, go on, then, ask him. Just ask him.

So, it was you?

Stole my petal sponge?

Yes, ma'am, sorry, ma'am. And you mauled my madeleine?

Yes, ma'am, but just a teeny, tiny piece.

OK, well, you see, I'm glad that we got that sorted.

And it were you, flattened me mille feuille?

Oh, actually, no, that was me.

But only because Edith said -you'd gobbed on my Queen Anne. -What?

Oh, get over yourself. All right, now, ladies...

Here we go again!

I will put you both in a mixer and -turn you into Kool-Aid. -Ladies!

Can't you see?

How easily we've all been reduced to petty feuding, ready to kill each

other over who did what to whose delicious buns and cakes and pies?

Deborah, we owe you an apology.

You truly are the Chosen One.

You've shown us how futile and disruptive it is when we turn

against each other.

Well, I am glad that you have seen the error of your ways.

When it was him all along!

-Get him! -Wait!

CHILDREN GASP

Oh, hello, children. I was just...

THEY LAUGH

I'm sorry, I...

THEY LAUGH

What I wanted to say was, please don't...

THEY LAUGH I am the great...

Oh.

Sorry.

THEY LAUGH

BLENDER WHIRS

CHILDREN GASP

I'm sorry. I'll leave now.

Ah!

NOSE TOOTS

Brilliant! Where did you find him?

I thought you only went out for candles.

Well, I have connections. Oh, and candles.

Seriously, well done for facing -your fears. -Well, well done you.

This is a great party.

SHE SOBS

There's always one.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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