Original subtitles

-GRUFF VOICE: -The city sleeps. But with the Chosen One gone,

evil will not rest for long.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

This realm needs a new hero. Watching, guarding, poised...

Oi.

What you doing?

Do you have any idea how long it's taken me to get the babies to sleep?

It's a litter of 32.

And they can rest easy this night,

for I am the winged warrior of justice!

The feathered face of fair play!

I am... The Bird.

-And I'm The Bee! -NORMAL VOICE: -I don't know this man. -Shh!

I don't... But I'm your trusty -companion. -No, you're not!

Well, don't be like that. Stop following me.

I'm only trying to help. -Go away! -Shh!

PUPPIES MEWL

BARKING

HE SOBS

Far, far ago the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces

would sweep our realm until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour, come from a distant world

to save us from the shadows!

Allegedly.

'And there's castles and hills and lochs and sheep.'

Honestly, Debs, something tells me

you're going to love it here.

What about all the crime?

Remember that thing we watched, with -all the gangs? -What, Braveheart?

That was like 100 years ago. You're -not getting cold feet, are you? -No.

Although we will in Scotland. Minus 27 in 1982, apparently.

Look, Debbie, as I said to you on our wedding night -

stop worrying and prepare to be excited.

The house is on the market,

I'm looking for a place up here - what is there to worry about?

-Ahh!Ahh! -Who's that?

Erm, the plumber. There's a problem with the toilet. How's the ballcock?

-Bit personal. -Oh, Debs, he's back. Oh, let me listen.

BAGPIPES PLAY

Look's like Cuddly Dick's got control of the press.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Pete, I'm going to have to go. Pete?

Pete? BAGPIPES CONTINUE

-Pete!Brilliant. -Pete!

But Dick was always our friend! How could he do this?

I don't know, but we're safe here. It is the perfect temperature.

-Oh, please. -Sorry.

And I do love these crunchy crapples.

Ah-ah, they can't be good for you.

Nothing tasty ever is. -And don't lean on the pipes. -Sorry.

Guys, you can't stay here. I'm moving house - remember?

If Cuddly Dick is saying that you're all traitors, then you need to go

back to Yonderland and prove that he's wrong.

You need to stand up for yourselves!

But what if we're not safe there?

What are you wearing?

Oh, we weren't doing impressions of you if that's what you think,

because we weren't.

I know, why don't you go back to Yonderland and see

if it's safe for us to return?

After all, the people love you, Debbie.

Eh, I'm down here.

Oh, yes, sorry, my mistake. OK, fine.

I'll go back and see how the land lies, but you stay out of sight.

And no poking around the house, under any circumstances.

"Under any circumstances"(!)

THEY LAUGH

You've got to admit that's good!

..question where the money's going.

But the new taxes ARE necessary, to fund my...

To fund research.

Sorry, do you mind if I just...?

Well, then we shall crush any protests.

No, we need to find a way to keep this cuddly.

Negatus, would you be able to advise...?Me? Yeah, sure.

I always find the best way to deal with unrest is to go in hard.

No, would you be able to advise housekeeping

that we need some more napkins?

SNIGGERING

-Oh. -Oh, and empty that bin, would you? There's a good boy.

I know exactly what's to be done, I shall call a press conference.

I will deal with this personally.

Sorry, sir.

LAUGHTER

Oh-ho-ho-ho, you're all so funny, aren't you?

I know what you're doing!

And you can blooming well stop it!

Ooh.

LAUGHTER

Oh, you've done it now! Cos I quit.

And ignore the signs I've put up in the hallway, I hope you DO slip.

LAUGHTER AND JEERING

-What kiss? -Just sexing it up a bit.

'Now, I am aware that there is some disquiet about the new taxes,

'but I'm afraid I've discovered some irregularities'

in the accounts of the previous administration.

Particularly in the Chosen One's expenses.

What expenses?

Now, obviously she's wonderful and it would be terrible

if we discovered that Debbie had betrayed us all,

but the figures do speak for themselves.

Seriously, who's going to believe this?

Stupid cow, I knew we shouldn't trust her. Boo!

BOOING

Don't pull out, don't pull out.

Oh, great(!)

Let me make one thing absolutely clear - whatever has happened,

I want to cuddle you all.

Mmm. TOWNSFOLK COO

The cuddle may be painful at first,

because it involves the raising of taxes...

QUICKLY:..and the closing of schools, hospitals and theatres,

but you can read about how it is all Debbie's fault in my new book.

Oh, what a pack of lies.

A Pack of Truths, available in all bookshops, good and bad.

I'm going to buy that right now.

Quite right.

And in other news, singer Sanga Sexpants,

famed for such songs as Where's My Baby?,

Bring My Baby Back and...

He's turned the whole realm against -me. -And bang goes my book deal.

-BOTH: -Tavern?

Well, look who it is. Going to put these on expenses, are ya?

This is insane. A minute ago I was the Chosen One.

Are memories really that short -around here? -Well, they, uh...

What was the question again?

BELL TOLLS

GLASS SMASHES AND PEOPLE SCREAM

SINISTER CHUCKLING

THEY WHIMPER

Hey, fellas, come on, please, I don't know what you expect me to do!

Get all the cash out the till, and step on it!

OK... Cash here.

What are you doing, you idiot? This is a robbery.

You said, "Step on it." This is perfect, Debbie.

Go and sort it out and show everyone we're still the good guys.

Save your book deal, you mean. No. But also, yes, please.

OK.

I thought I could smell something.

Looks like this nest is full of rotten eggs that need...

..removing.

I am The Bird.

And I'm The Bee!

-NORMAL VOICE: -I don't know this man.

But I'm here to help. I don't want your help, buzz off.

-GRUFF: -Prepare to feel the force of my feathers!

Maybe you should prepare to feel -the force of my fist. -Why not?

CACKLING

Ugh!

Don't know my own strength. Now, who else wants some? Why not try this?

STRAINING: It's heavier than it looks.

Huh! Ha!

-Come on then, let's go. -Ah-ha!

HE MAKES KARATE NOISES

-Agh! -You're going to regret the day you...

Here, take that. And that.

GRUNTING AND SMASHING

Stay out!

Yeah, that's what I thought, run home to Mommy!

Not my mommy, your mommy.

No need to thank me, justice is its own reward.

For I am The Bird.

And I'm The Bee. Don't know this man.

Ow!

Oh, no, that's the third local business this week he's smashed up.

That damn bird is worse than the criminals!

All right, just calm down. I am calm, I just talk like this.

Oh, sorry.

Does anybody know who this Bird character is?

Why should we tell you, thief?

-BAR CUSTOMERS: -Yeah!

Look, if I can find a way to stop The Bird from smashing up

the town, would that prove you could still trust me?

That Cuddly Dick is lying?

-ALL: -Well, it would be a start.

But he wears a mask on his face, how you gonna find him?

Dust for fingerprints, check security cameras,

bit of doorknocking.

Or...just follow the trail of feathers.

Oh, yeah, do that.

Well, sooner or later we're just going to have to.

I think it would be OK if it's just number onesies.

STOMACHS RUMBLE

I've eaten too many crunchy crapples.

RUMBLING CONTINUES

Ahh...

EXOTIC BIRD CALLS

BELL TOLLS

-Yes? -Yeah, I was wondering if I could speak to the... The Bird?

There's no Bird here.

Just a charming millionaire playboy with legitimate business interests.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ah.

Then I fell out of the vat of glue and into the pillow factory,

an that explains why I look like this.

Anyhoo, gotta get on,

run some figures up the pole and see if they walk.

Because I am a businessman. Christopher!

How many times do I have to tell you? You do NOT come in here.

Yes, father, I was just showing Debbie...

No, no, I don't want to hear it. -Get out, boy. -Yeah, sorry.

Cant stand people who blether on all the time.

Mr Paine... They love the sound of their own voice, don't they?

Mr Paine... I like men of action.

That's why I like shooting. "There she is" - bang, dead, mount.

Beautiful, aren't they? Do you shoot?

Mr Paine, look, I know this is going to be very hard for you to believe,

but your son is masquerading as a vigilante superhero.

-Oh, I know all about that. -What? Ridiculous, isn't it?

Still, keeps him out of my hair - idiot.

But he's causing chaos out there.

Better out there than in here.

Business is struggling enough as it is.

A lot of hot guff about customers finding me rude and dismissive!

Now, go away! Archibald!

Archibald! Archibald!

Arch... Ay!

Archibald, show these people the door, open it,

and then throw them out.

Yes, sir.

Meet me in the garden in five minutes, Miss Maddox.

I have something very important I wish to share with you.

So... Here we are again, Negatus.

An outsider, an exile. Social piranha.

BIRD CRIES

THUMP

HE SIGHS

What now, old friend?

Don't ask me, mate.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, who the hell are you?

I'm you, you idiot. Do I really sound like that?

Yeah. Weird, isn't it?

Listen, I've had an idea, you should get the band back together.

What, Hot Eagle?

No, I think I killed the bass player.

No, I mean the demons.

Cuddly Dick's made you look like a fool, and you're not,

no matter what Dad said!

Time for you to regroup, get yourself some

sweet, sweet revenge - what do you think?

I think I like the way you think.

But then I would think that, cos you're me.

Well, yeah, but I'm a slightly sexier version of you, so...

Ooh, yeah, there she is. I'm coming back, baby, don't worry.

-I'll see you later. -Ooh, who's that? Hey, I want some of that!

That's it.

I'm going to find my demons,

and I will get revenge on that stupid Dick!

Young Christopher has long yearned for his father's approval.

And when you left the realm, there was an opening for a hero.

And so, The Bird was born.

His plan is to eradicate all crime and then reveal

his true identity, thus making his father proud.

No-one can stop all crime, he'll just get himself killed.

I fear the same thing, Miss Maddox, which is why I became...

The Bee!

Oh, God, it's the other one.

You? But you can barely walk. Nonsense.

Dodderiness is the first thing they teach you in butler school.

In truth, the royal jelly that my beloved hives provide

keeps me fighting fit and limber!

Why go to all this trouble? Just tell Chris to stop being the bird.

He denies it's him, even to me. Until...

I dunno, ask Clive, he had them last.

Eh, there's no-one there, mate.

Sorry, I should have said, I can -also converse with the bees. -Right.

Oh, we've really got one here.

Until his mission is complete, he will just carry on being The Bird.

I need...

Well, it must be in the folder with the car insurance, I'm talking!

I need your help, Miss Maddox.

Look, if Chris won't listen to you, what can I do?

I don't know how to stop superher...

Oh, have you got a plan to stop him?

Maybe. Next time, let The Bird go out alone.

ALL: Omm...

Now that your cheques have all cleared,

it's time to learn the final lesson of enlightenment.

I want you now to reach into your past

and visualise someone who has caused you pain.

-BOTH: -We see him.

Really? I mean, excellent, my children, but remember,

he is just a memory come to torment you.

He's right there.

I know he must feel very real to you,

but he can no longer hurt anyone.

ALL GASP

Come on, let's get you out of this mumbo jumbo joint.

But...you abandoned us. No, Cuddly Dick tricked me.

Something he'll soon regret. Now, where's Jeffrey?

I'm receiving enlightenment.

HE SHUDDERS

I really don't think you are, mate.

SALOON STYLE PIANO PLAYS

Nobody move, I am The Cat.

No, you're joking, not another one?

And this is a cat...burglary. No, robbery.

Cat robbery. Is that a thing? I can't look and I can't not look.

You...empty the till.

-No, into a bag, to give to me. -Oh, yeah, that makes more sense!

Well, well, well, looks like some kitty cat has strayed into...

a pub.

This day just keeps getting better and better, dunnit?

You better leave now, pussy cat,

or I'll scare you so hard they'll have to change your litter tray.

Twice.

For I am... The Bird.

-NORMAL VOICE: -I don't know this...

Oh, he's got the message. Yeah, I know who you are, Mr Bird.

It's just that you're no match for me

without your precious Bee to protect you.

We'll see about that!

-Agh! -Stop leaving drinks there, John!

Sweet moves, cat lady.

Listen, Bird, you're not cut out for the hero game, give it up.

Never. Try this for size.

PAINED GRUNT

Well, well, look who it is, eh?

Where's your wee, little, furry friend, eh, birdbrain?

Looks like we need a recipe for battered chicken, eh, lads?

Well, that's just, like, breadcrumbs, salt, some sort of oil,

you can use a ground...

Colin, it's a threat. He's clearly not a real bird, look at him.

O...K. OK. Whoa, gents, hey.

Me and The Bird here, we were actually

in the middle of something, so if you could just...

Ah!

GRUNTING AND SMASHING INSIDE

-What are we going to do? -Mmm...

What's that?

Master Paine has been embroiled in a gang fight in a local tavern?

What? Where did you hear that?

WASP SQUEALS

Oh, this charade has gone on long enough.

I'm going to put that boy over my knee.

Mr Paine!

THEY GRUNT

-Where is it? -If you'd just let me... If you'd just let me, wait...

What is it, man?

I have a great secret that I must share with you.

I am... Yes?

Well, I'm not. But, eh, very flattered.

HE GASPS Oh, no!

BIKERS CACKLE

Say bye-bye, birdie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait - let's just think this through, shall we?

How this all ends, for all of us.

I mean, I'm the victim here, right?

I'm going to get all the sympathy, compensation even.

And what about you guys? Look around, all these witnesses.

You'll be wanted men. Jail, possibly.

You can forget about getting a mortgage.

Well, me and Gwen were looking to buy.

It seems to me you're putting in all the effort here,

vis-a-vis kicking and punching me in the body and head,

and I'm the one who reaps all the benefits,

and that just doesn't seem fair to me.

Does it seems fair to you?

-No really, no. -No.

Didn't think it would. So listen, guys, what I propose here

going forward, I buy everyone here a round,

and then we can discuss how to harness your talents

in a legitimate business concern.

-Yeah?Aye. -All right. Farlsberg? Farlsberg?

Have a look at the wine list.

Coming right up. -Thank you very much. -Cool.

Nice guy.

Father...

I just wanted to make you proud.

Guess I failed. I have never been so...

..impressed. Those bikers were about to tear you wing from wing.

I've never seen a negotiation like -it. -He's right, that was amazing.

I mean, I could have...

SHE MAKES KARATE NOISES

You have got a real way with people. Which is something you need, right?

Well, that's it, you can save the business, be my negotiator.

You mean...work with you?

Yeah, I underestimated you, Chris.

We may not be all that alike, but you are and you always be...

a Paine.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. Uh.

This is making me marginally less cross, which is interesting.

And problem solved, see? You can always trust the Chosen One.

I thought you'd left Yonderland.

Yeah, well...

Things change.

Ho-ho-ho, yes. Excellent.

With the gang back together I'll finally take my ingenious revenge.

Oh...

HE TUTS

No. You forgot the S.

Huh? 'The other end, you idiot.'

Honestly, you want something doing, you have to do it yourself.

Give it here!

So why didn't you do it in the first place?

To ensure I wouldn't get caught.

This isn't how it looks.

CELL DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS

PRISONERS SHOUT

So...they put you in with Mr Big?

HE WHIMPERS

HE LAUGHS And meet my associate, Tiny.

-DEEP VOICE: -Hello.

GORMLESS CHUCKLE

Surprise!

They flew me home, seeing as I'm such a big cheese.

TOILET FLUSHES

The hollow throne empties itself!

Oh, hello.

-Bob! -Hello, Bob. Peter. You must be the plumber.

Yes.

Like your hair.

-You a fan of Elvis? -Elvis?

Oh, elves! They're OK.

Just don't lend them any money!

HE LAUGHS

Pete. Hi. You're back early. Hey, you.

I'm just chatting to the plumber here about Elvis.

Where's your suitcase?

I must have left it in the cab. Scuse me, Bob.

Right, it's time to evacuate. I already have.

I never want to talk about that. Come on, up, up, quick, quick!

The city sleeps. The Bird has gone.

But new eyes watch over the realm this night.

This again, is it? Seriously, mate, if you wake up the babies I will...

Fear not, my friend. For I am but a buzzing in the darkness.

I am the...

BEE BUZZES Yeah, all right, but there's a spare one in the cupboard.

Well, can't Carol sort it?

OK, all right.

Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm The Bee! -Shh!

PUPPIES BARK

HE SOBS

Subtitles by Ericsson

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