Original subtitles

-We should do that curry night. -Yeah.

All right, yeah.

Ruddy turncoats! You were right.

All seem to think this Cuddly Dick character would make a better leader than me. Can you believe that?

No, I was surprised too.

I mean, none of us have even met this Dick.

Oh, well, suppose I'll just have to settle for deputy leader.

ALL GRUNT

Come on. That's clearly what he wants.

Why else would he gather all the overlords in MY lair?

-Geographical convenience? -Because he sees me as a kindred spirit with proven leadership skills.

That's right. Even these stiffs would have to admit I'd make an excellent second-in-command.

Oh, Voltarick... When you look at me, do you see a number two?

Yes, I do.

In the bag, hmp!

Far, far ago, the Ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world, to save us from the shadows!

If we're lucky...

Right, then - tickets, money, passport.

You don't need a passport for Scotland, Pete.

It's for HR, or in case I elope,

because I hear those Glasgowan girls

really love a senior network analyst.

It's Glaswegian, and I'm not sure they do.

Now, the kids are staying with Mum tonight, so why don't you go back through some of these house details?

I have looked. They just don't seem very homey.

I want somewhere that gives us everything this place does.

More or less.

That's me.

-No second thoughts? -No.

-Time to move on. -Yeah. Great.

All right, I'm coming.

-Ready? -Yes. And no.

Whit-woo! Can't do the whistle, but you look nice.

Thank you. You too. New suit?

-And pants. Came into some money. -Oh, did your numbers come up?

I don't know what that means, but if it's, "Did you get a lucrative publishing deal?" the answer's yes.

-I've written a book. -What?

"My Time with the Chosen One". Is this about me?

Once you've gone I'm out of a job, so I thought, time to cash in.

Oh, and I got a few adverts too, so if anyone asks you if you like Kenlucky Fried Lizard, just say yes.

OK.

It's not too late to change your mind.

-We'll miss you. -Likewise.

But I have to do this.

The time's right.

Come on.

♪ Thank you, Debbie

♪ You're still our Chosen Oone

♪ Now you've killed your twin sister

♪ Your work

♪ Is

♪ Done ♪

APPLAUSE

The choir there.

-Thank you. -Well, the speeches are spoke, and the songs are sung.

So I suppose the time is upon us

to bid farewell...

HE GASPS

..to the Chosen One.

It's OK. It's OK.

Embarrassing...

Now, to remind you always of the magical talking stick that brought you to our realm,

we would like to present to you a non-magical, non-talking replica,

what we like to call a stick.

Stick.

We do have sticks in my world, but this is lovely.

-Thank you. -Told you. Should have got her vouchers.

ALL: Speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech, speech!

Speech, speech -I feel like an idiot.

We can get you one. We have loads.

No, I feel like I'm an idiot for leaving this place.

But you brought me here to do a job, and that job's done.

So, while I will miss you all more than I can tell you,

I know that you're in safe hands now.

Aw!

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah!

Sorry, was this a robes ON situation?

Yes...

There's a lovely Elfish word for a loss you can't quite face.

-Oh, really? What is it? -I'll tell you next time.

I've got something special for you.

-Is it a splinter? -Oh, you know me so well.

Now might be an appropriate moment to thank the ever-diligent portal guardians

Grintalian, Gobscrew, Grotelli -

Yeah, yeah, thank you. The book's out soon, in waferback.

I hope you all devour it.

And Nicholas T Stick.

Not writing a book.

Who, with his final portal closed, can now look forward

to the retirement that he so richly deserves.

And let us not forget your endlessly hardworking Elders.

Well done.

They of course took the very difficult decision

to cast out the Chosen One whom you love so dearly.

ALL GROAN

What?!

I wouldn't say cast out. After talking with Debbie, we thought it best -

Thought? Yes, you thought.

They thought that it was best, because as you know,

they do love to do YOUR thinking for you.

No-one thinks for me! I think for myself.

UPROAR

I have a bad feeling in my waters.

And it's not just the kidney stones.

Pete, hey.

-Are you there yet? -Yeah, I've just checked in.

-Are you all right? -Yeah, yeah.

-Just...missed you. -Oh, me too.

I didn't sleep well on my own.

-Oh, yeah? -No, I think it's the pillows in the bed,

and they sometimes turn the air conditioning up too high.

I don't know how to turn it down, so I end up either freezing or boiling.

ALL PROTEST

I cannot understand this growing outrage,

tinged with a whiff of burgeoning rebellion.

After all, you were all asked to vote on the eviction of the Chosen One.

Are you saying your leaders...

ignored your wishes?

It looks that way.

Gentlemen, say it isn't so.

Um, if...if...

Please, please - whatever you do, don't start throwing things.

They've started throwing things.

-Who do we hate? -Elders!

-How do we shout that? -Shout!

-Who do we hate? -Elders!

My friends, I will fix this, but for the moment you must run. Run!

I'll knock your block off.

Huh?

Brothers and sisters, the time is now.

The Chamber of the Elders is ours!

The Realm is ours!

ALL CHEER

Whoo! Come on, yeah!

Three cheers for His Eminence... No, four.

Hip-hup...

Well, don't just stand there. Go and get my things.

THEY GASP

-I think we lost them. -Oh, no, look!

Agghh!

Turns out shouting, "They went that way!" works surprisingly well.

What happened back there, brother?

Cuddly Dick happened. He's kidnapped Nick, and turned everyone against you.

Don't be ridiculous. Dick loves us, and we love Dick.

He's the nicest man in the Realm. That's what he wants people to think.

He's up to something, and we need to find out what.

Yes.

Ah, welcome to our new chamber of governance.

It's Dissectus, isn't it? What a pleasure!

I hear such good things...all of them bad.

-Where are we? -Old storm drain.

It'll take us right under the main chamber.

I can't see my hands or my face.

-Maybe it fell off.What?! -Shush.

Seriously, if I was to snap in half while being beaten over your head,

I'd die happy.

Come now, my knobbly friend. Why so dour?

After all, all your arduous portal-making days are over now.

Voltarick, would you be good enough to look after my aged friend?

Make him feel as though he's part of the furniture.

HE CACKLES

Mr Dick? Mr Dick sir, Mr Dick?

Dei Negatus. I'm so looking forward to toupee... TODAY!

So looking forward to today, not toupee.

Said it again... Please, Negatus, relax!

-Sorry, a bit nervous. -I have a very special role for you.

What's that? It's a wollipop!

It's yours.

Shall we?

I was, thinking, your minions...

Perhaps they'd be happier somewhere a little less rarefied.

I see what you mean.

Well, you heard the fellow...

Get lost.

But...

So, we can see into the Chamber from here, see what Dick is up to.

Shush!

Shut up!

Shush.

Oh, yes, that's much better. It certainly improves the ambiance.

The ambiance?!

The ambiance?

We are overlords.

Creatures of war, and I will not serve such a weak and simpering fool!

You are an unhappy soldier, aren't you?

And I so hoped I'd found a kindred spirit.

At least let's part in a friendly manner.

Huh? Huh?

Come on! Come on!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, yes...

Mmm...

HUMS

HE GROANS

HE GASPS

Anyone else have any concerns? I've plenty of love to go round.

No, thank you... All right, actually.

The people of this realm will wish to pay for their errors of judgement.

But firstly...

Bagsy the biggest bedroom!

HE LAUGHS

-Oh, no. -What is it?

-Nick! -Not the retirement I had in mind.

-Cuddly Dick must be stopped. -We shall fight to the death.

-Perhaps a strongly worded letter? -No, we need a plan.

-We need a miracle. -We need a Debbie.

Debbie... But how do we get Debbie?

With Nick up there, and me down here?

ALL PONDER

Hang on. I think I've had an idea.

HE EXHALES

Great. Some breath.

-We're saved! -No, you halfwit. My sawdust from where they drilled the screw holes.

Of course. If he can blow enough sawdust down here, I might be able to make a portal.

Try again.

HE EXHALES

Pete? It's me.

I hope you like surprises, because I have just bought...

a multipack of unlabelled crisps.

I'll see you when you get back.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

OK, that wasn't one at a time, but I think I've got the message.

So, Cuddly Dick is evil, he's seized control of the Chamber,

turned the people against you, and turned Nick into a bear...?

-Chair, but otherwise, yes. -We need your help, Debbie.

Yonderland needs you.

You owe me £98.20.

Yes!

Right, if I'm going to help you with this Cuddly Dick problem, then we need a working portal,

which means we're going to have to rescue Nick.

Let's turn, shall we, to the little matter of positions.

Sitting always gets my vote.

Crouching's good too, but it can create thigh burn.

Positions as in jobs.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool.

Dissectus, head of defence.

Voltarick, propaganda.

Lord Catz... Kill them all.

National Health for you. Good, thank you.

Now, equality. that's something none of us wants, is it?

Your Eminence, I can't help but notice there's a name missing off the old list here.

Oh, Negatus!

As I could have forgotten you!

The Vice-President.

Of refuse and sanitation.

Of what and what now?

Oh, this is outrageous!

They can't seriously have given me one minion.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm the President. YOU work for me.

Ha...

OK, here's the plan. We go in at night.

The portal will bring us back out in the storm drain.

But there's no telling how long it will last.

No going back now.

The first job, then - we need to find a way into the Chamber from the storm drain.

Can't be done. The only service hatch opens from the other side,

and the vents are far too small.

He's right. Nothing bigger than a baby would fit through.

And they have very poor motor skills.

No, wait, that could work. I have some little fans.

-I'm in. -Oh, thank God.

The cavalry's here.

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, brilliant job. Thank you. Anything for you, Debbie.

-So, any chance of a snog? -No.

But thank you. You're a good man. Woman...

Oh...

OK.

There's only one way up into the main chamber,

so you can bet it'll be guarded.

-Kirk.Douglas.Michael. -Douglas.

Armed guards who will tear us to pieces in a furious hail of...

IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE

BABBLES

OK, OK. We get the picture.

So, we're going to need some sort of distraction, then.

Not a problem. I have a very particular set of skills.

VOICES

CLEARS THROAT

SNAKE CHARMER MUSIC PLAYS

Told you. It also works on livestock.

Don't look directly at it.

No!

It's left at the statue, and it's a clear run all the way to the Chamber side door.

So then we just have to...

It's locked!

They changed the code!

I can solve that. All I need is a quill.

One, two, three, four...

Two, two, three, four.

No... Three, two, three, four.

-So what then? -The only way is up.

Baby. Sorry, bit over-familiar.

I meant the air vents in the roof.

And how do you propose we get up there, genius?

Oh, I don't know. Why don't we ask your mum?

-You want to dance, do you? -You want some, because I'll give it you!

Brothers, please! We could always enter...

..the void.

-You mean the wall cavity? -Yes.

What did I say?

GROANING

SPLUTTERS

ECHO

After you.

OK, now, from the skylight to the floor is about 90 feet,

so whatever you do, you mustn't let him...

What... It said it was long AND strong.

Just stick to the bed sheets, OK?

That ought to do it. Now, how do you stop this thing?

We have to go. That portal could burn out at any moment.

Yeah. Look, guys, no more rehearsals.

We're just going to have to hope the rope holds.

Is there any way to reduce his weight?

Well, according to my calculations, there might be a way to reduce his overall mass

by nearly 50 per cent.

How?

What about losing the moustache? Don't push it, mate.

OK...

OK...That's it, that's it. I'm going.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

How can I show Dick I'm worthy of promotion?

If only I could find a way to demonstrate my keen eye, sharp wits, and boundless intellect.

My Gods...

Intruders!

It's Dick! Cuddly Dick!

This guy, agghhh...

-Are you sure? -Yes, sir. They're here. They've come for the stick.

They're trying to re-open the portal! Wake the troops. Initiate lockdown.

The screws are stuck!

SNORING

He's right here, Your Eminence. Sleeping like a baby.

Stick.

I saw -Cancel the lockdown.

Easy.

I've got him.

Oh, Gods. It's an idiot convention.

Well, don't be like that.

But I definitely saw -Come on.

That ought to do it. Now, how do you stop this thing?

We have to go. That portal could burn out at any moment.

Guys, no more rehearsals.

We're just going to have to hope the rope holds.

Is there any way to reduce his weight?

♪ ..it's time to rise up

♪ Get your hands up

♪ Wer'e taking over the game, and if you're looking for change

♪ I suggest you do the same

♪ Come on, y'all, it's time to rise up

♪ Get your hands up... ♪

Wait, wait.

Where in realm are we going to live?

I cannot rule while Debbie is still here.

The people love their... CHOSEN One too much.

Unless...

We turn their love to hate.

Yes. Yes!

This is only temporary, OK?

So don't go making yourselves...

..at home.

Subtitles by Ericsson

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