All language subtitles for Yonderland.S03E01_Engllish

Yes?

ALL: Cuddly Dick!

I'm back!

Far, far ago,
the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces
would sweep our realm,

until only
Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,
who sorted all that out,

so everything's fine now.

And will probably stay that way
forever, I should think.

Oh, for God's sake!

Ah! No!
Why would you do that?

OK, cough once for good news.

Pete.

You got the job.

Yes!

Yes! I don't believe it. I genuinely
thought Tony would get it.

I guess he didn't want to move.
Well, his loss is your...

What do you mean, "move"?

Well, it's head office.

Glasgow?
Yeah.

Well, we did talk about moving, you
know, new beginning, big adventure.

Yeah, at some point.
Well, there's no time like the pr...

Actually, God, I've got to go. We
can celebrate this later, yeah?

It's going to be amazing.

ATTEMPTED GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:
Glasgow, here we come!

I can't do the voice.
Pete, we have to talk about this.

We will, we will. Tonight.

I'll text that estate agent and get
him to call you about a valuation.

You know what this is, don't you?
Fate.

Oh, good, more fate(!)

Good morning.
Not really.

Pete's applied for this job, but
it's at his head office...

Yeah, must be tricky.

Anyway, you're needed back
in the real world.

For the last time,
they're both real.

Yeah, but ours is better, especially
since you killed your sister.

Will you stop saying that?
And call her Imperatrix.

All right.
Put your knickers in the wash.

MUSICAL RINGTONE
Oh, who's that?

Jesus, they're keen.

Keen? Do they have an album?

No, it's an estate agent.

Ah. Well, he's very talented.

No, he doesn't actually play...

It doesn't matter, what do you want?

Something's come up,
or rather, someone.

Oh, and word to the wise,
don't mention the glasses.

What glasses?

Oh, yeah, bring those up.
Thanks a bunch(!)

Oh, well done(!)
Since when did you need glasses?

I don't.
Oh, come off it.

You had no idea how many fingers
I was showing you.

If I had fingers, you know which one
I'd be showing you!

OK. Well, I think they suit you.

They really bring out your...

grain.
They're awful.

They're not even straight.

Well, your eyes aren't straight.

What?
Nothing.

Anyway, we should get back
to the chamber.

The big guy's back.
Who, Negatus?

Who? Oh, him, no.
He's been quiet as a mouse.

No trouble there.
Oh, well, we'll see about that.

He's an evil overlord.

I very much doubt he's sitting
around with his feet up.

Welcome back to the
inter-realm wrestling...

Uh-oh, pizza for breakfast!

The boss isn't going to like that.

Oh, no, that's right - she's dead.

Get in!

Papers!

Gently. Gently. Release!

"Libraries reopen.

"Peace across the land."

Must do something about that.

At some point.

Morning, o shadiest of greys.
Any plans for today?

Well, it's only half an hour till
Come Dine On Me.

Today they're eating Alison.

And, maybe after that, you could
think about exerting some

control over Yonderland? Because it
has been three weeks since...

Yeah, yeah.

I suppose it is about time I did
some actual evil overlording.

It's arrived!

Yes! Finally.

The Gamething 360 with
virtual reality headset.

My ticket to a fantasy world of
goblins and elves.

Erm... What about the whole
"being an evil overlord" thing?

You know, exerting a little power?

Yeah, yeah. That.
Maybe tomorrow.

Oooh!

Or, you know, the next day.
Oooh!

Sorry, Cuddly...?

Dick. Yes, Cuddly Dick.

"Cuddly" is a nickname, of course,
as I am rather partial to a hug.

Yes. Yes, I noticed that.

And so you used to work hair?

Here?
Sort of, yes. I was the chamber's

representative to Kiss-and-Cuddle
Land until the dark times came.

When Imperatrix seized control,
Dick got slammed in jail.

I might have lived out my days
within those walls

had you not brought
down her cruel regime.

Well, really, my contribution
wasn't bad wig.

That big.
No, no. No modesty, please.

I owe you my life.

Oh, should I raise an invoice?
Or...?

Well, look, if I helped in any way
at all, then you're very welcome.

Oh! She's more adorable than you
led me to believe.

I am so pleased I got this chance
to speak to you before you went.

-Went?
-Went?
Jinx!

Went where?

Oh, I assumed that since you've
fulfilled the fate of the scrolls,

you'd want to pick up
your old life again.

There we go.

We haven't discussed that
at all, have we?

Well, if you don't, I mean, that's
wonderful news for Yonderland,

wonderful for everyone.

-It's just wonderful.
-Well, you know,
it may seem calm now,

but in my experience it's never long
before there's an urgent matter that

requires my immediate attention.

An urgent matter that requires your
immediate attention!

What can we do for you, brother?

I've received an OMG.

-OMG!
-OMG?
It's like an SOS, but more serious.

The tummy tellies pick up certain
broadcast frequencies

from their mahoosive aerials.

No, those are my ears.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

You should be. I'm already
self-conscious. I don't need...

I'll see if I can pick up
the signal again.

STATIC WHIRS, NOISE EXCERPTS
OMG!

OMG! Can anybody read me?

OMG!
Yes, my friend, we can read you.

Thank the gods.
We're at the fringes of the realm.

We need your help.
We need the chosen one.

Well, I'm here. What's wrong?

A flood. A most terrible flood.
The water keeps rising.

You must come at once.

I can't stop the rain,
that's just nature.

No, no, no, there has been no rain.

That is what I'm trying to tell you.

The water, it come out of nowhere.
We are under attack.

Again?
I have to go to them.

Agreed.
How will you ever find them?

The signal.
Yes, the signal.

Can you track it?
Yes.

My species can sense
where the signal is strongest.

Here, take Lucy, my youngest.

She should be able to lead you
to the source.

I'll care for her
like she was my own.

Well, don't worry too much,
I've got hundreds.

What?

Get back, you filthy orc!

Ow! Medi Pack! I need a Medi Pack!

Is he still playing?

Five hours now.
Has he stopped at all?

Had a wee?
No, and yes.

In that order.
I'll get the mop.

It can't go on like this.

I haven't tortured anything
in weeks.

And I think Geoff's gone feral.

JEFF GROWLS
Give me that. Drop it.

Yeah, well, all we can do is hope
it's just a passing phase,

and try and make the
best of the situation.

The birds!

RITA CLEARS THROAT

Ooh, a sexy princess.

Engage.

Still not talking?

No, my lord. Still no mouth.

Hmm. Keep trying.

WATCH BEEPS

Strange. An anonymous message on
the overlord's network.

A threat?
Coordinates.

A meeting point.

I'll ride at noon. Prepare a bear.

Well, the signal's getting stronger,
so we're on the right track.

Ah, look at this.

That's weird.

Pot, kettle, black.

Oh! Spoon, bin lid, orange.

-What?
-I thought we were playing two
things and a colour.

OMINOUS NOISES
What was that?

Oh, no.
OMINOUS NOISES

DEBBIE SHRIEKS
Debbie, wait! Debbie, wait!

I think it's a...

trap.

Ah, I see you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I hope you enjoy the show.

♪ We're caught in the trap again

♪ I wove from my abdomen

♪ Softer than silk,
but strong as steel...

It's less terrifying than
I expected.

Don't be fooled. It's a tune-antula.

-A what?
-A musical spider.
They feed off applause.

What you mean, they feed off...?

Oh, it doesn't matter.
Life 's too short.

Let's just...
Oh, my hands are stuck.

And you can see the problem.

We can't clap,
and he won't stop until we do.

So we could be stuck here for ever?

And that's not the bad news.

What's the bad news?

He only knows one song.
Oh.

♪ We're caught in the trap again

♪ I wove from my abdomen... ♪

♪..so strong,
and the show must go on...

OMG! OMG!
Debbie, where are you?

♪ And on and on, yeah, and on! ♪

Yay! That's brilliant!

Thank you very much.
Clap, clap, clap.

Let's do it again.

Yeah. Nice try.

♪ We're caught in the trap again...
It has to be actual clapping.

I'm probably not the most helpful
companion under these circumstances.

Debbie, where are you?

This is ridiculous.

Even if we could clap, who goes wild
for someone who knows only one song?

Hang on. One song, that's it!

What's what?
The estate agent.

The one who plays music in your
phone.

No, he doesn't actually
play music in my...

Yeah, whatever.

It plays sound, right, your phone?

Yes, but not the sound of applause.

No - if he had a decent set he
wouldn't need a captive audience.

People would want to applaud.

He doesn't need a giant web,
he just needs...

Some more songs.

Can you reach my pocket?

Got it.
OK, now you need to unlock it.

It's 1, 1, 1, 1.

You should change that.
Not now.

OK, red button at the bottom,
and then you just...

♪ She's the one who can rock my
world

♪ She's the one, and you know she
makes me go oh, oh... ♪

♪ I can't wait to see you... ♪

That's a whole lot of notes played a
whole lot of ways, pretty mama.

Yeah, well, there's a whole lot
of other songs out there.

You could have them, if you want?

Expand the old repertoire.

And do you think that would
give me the clap?

What?

Oh, yeah.
People would applaud, definitely.

-Web or no web.
-Well, how much for
the whole darn lot?

Well, if you let us go,
they're all yours.

Not in the eyes of the record label,
plus publishing rights.

What are you doing?
Just...

You've got yourself a deal,
pretty mama-cha.

Brilliant!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I freed the woman.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And this is for you.

-There.
-Wow, that's a hunka hunka
burning tunes right there.

Thank you, very much, missy.
Much obliged to you, much obliged.

Debbie, where are you?

The water, she is still rising.

Yeah, sorry. We got tied up.

We're on our way. Come on, Elf.

Oh, and good thinking
with the phone.

What can I say?
I learned from the best.

Well, come on.

Yeah.

How do you work this mama-jammy?
PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hello?

-Uh-huh?
-Hi, yeah, listen, it's Hugo
from Hartson's here.

I've had a look in the diary,
and, basically,

I can view the house on Thursday,
if that's cool with you.

And there's been far more rebel
activity since Imperatrix died.

I may have to eliminate
the Decimal Tribe.

I heard you'd rounded them up.

Strange.

Ow!
Coordinates?

Right, well, the signal is coming
from around here.

Well, I don't see anything.

No, me neither.
Debbie, where are you?

We're near, I think.

Things have got worse.

Darkness has fallen.
Something is blocking out the sun.

I can still see it.
How is that even...?

Give him to me a second.

OK, Nick, can you see anything, like
a village or any sign of a flood?

Nothing, and all the sap's rushing
to my handle.

I'll just have to get you higher.
Argh!

Gosh, now there's earthquakes.
What?

My glasses!
Which I definitely don't need.

Whoa, careful.

Swap back again?

The sun. He is back.
This is so weird.

No, he is gone again.

No, it's back.
It's gone.

It's back. It's gone.

It's back. It's gone. It's back.

OMG! OMG!
Now, that is one tiny problem.

Please, come in. OMG!
There you are.

Oh, you're a lot bigger
than I was expecting.

Yeah, well, if I'm honest,
you're a little bit smaller.

Can you help us?

Yeah. Just give me a second.

Ah.

Yeah. I might leave this one out
of the memoirs.

Oh, it's you.

Listen, Rita, what happens in the
game stays in the game, yeah?

Oh, yeah, whatever.

Bit wrinkly, Boss.
Maybe time to get out?

What's the point?

What's the point in anything?

With Her Eminence gone, there's no
orders, no rules, no direction.

Mm.
Ugh.

Ugh, right, that's it!

You're getting out of that bath
right now, Mister!

I mean, Lord Mister.

He's right. Her Eminence may be
dead, but you're still an overlord,

and it's time you started acting
like one.

Why? It's not like anyone's
going to see me.

THROAT CLEARANCE

NEIL GROWLS
Easy, boy. Easy.

Debbie, how can we
ever thank you?

Well, I only turned off a tap,
so that's probably plenty.

Yes, so tonight, we celebrate.
We do some dancing,

some of us maybe do some kissing...
Stop it.

And tomorrow, we pack.

Pack for what?
The move.

I think it is clear that it is
not safe for us here any more.

We need to move to higher ground.

But this is your home.

Yes, and a very nice one
it has been, too,

apart from the
Great Fire of Fag Butt.

But the Mighty Flood of Drip -
surely that is a sign

that we need to move on.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe it is.

And now, let the fireworks commence.

Idiots.

Oh, no. Not again! No! Run!

OK.

Well? Why are they here?

I don't really know. They said
they'd followed some sort of sign.

Sign? What the hell does that mean?

Oh!

Sausages.
Fate.

With Her Eminence gone,
they're looking for a new leader,

and where has fate brought them?
GEOFF GROWLS

Precisely - here.

They need a new boss, and they want
me to stick my hat in their ring.

-Uh?
-Demons, go fetch me my clothes
and polish my helmet.

I'm about to blow their socks off.

Oh, and I'll need socks.

She was good as gold.
And so cute.

You sound like you want to keep her.
Do you want keep her?

Come on, then.
Excellent work, as always, Debbie.

Love to Bob Peter,
and we'll see you next time.

Now then, lockers -
do we really need them?

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
I need them for my robes.

Well, pop them under the stool.
Sorry, erm...

Was there something else, Debbie?

Yeah. There's something I need to
get off my chest.

-Is it a robe?
-No, it's... Well,
it's something you said earlier.

Me?
Yeah.

It's just, I'm not sure that
you still need me.

No, we said you could go, didn't we?

-Yeah.
-No, I mean, I'm not sure that
you need a chosen one any more.

Are you joking?
Don't need a chosen one!

Let her speak, please.

Please. Let her speak.

I always said I would be here as
long as you need me,

but with Imperatrix gone,
maybe you don't.

What about today? The flood.

A few weeks ago, I was stopping a
killer robot from destroying

the world, and today
I turned off a tap.

Ah, but you had to find
it first, didn't you?

You tracked it to its source.

That was your idea.

Well, what about the tune-antula?
You stopped that.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. It was your phone.
Yeah, and who thought of it?

This is a very big decision, Debbie.

Maybe you should sleep with it.

On it.
On it.

OK. OK, fine.
I will think about it.

But what if I don't change my mind?

Well, I don't think you
won't not change your mind.

Well, then, your wise and caring
friends will respect your decision.

Won't you?
-Yeah.
-Right.

Hi, yes, I'd like to arrange
a valuation, please.

Oh. Actually, is there anyone other
than Hugo?

OK, how do I look?
-Very dapper.
-Sex on legs.

All right, tuck it in.
Now, then, I've got my speech,

got my breath mints. Lucky Heather.
Well, the head of Lucky Heather.

Can't remember why I killed her now.

Anyway, strap in, people,

for you are about to witness the
dawning of the age of Negateus.

That's it -
you're going to puppy classes.

CLEARS THROAT
Shhh! Gentlemen, it is my gr...

And ladies. Sorry.
Always forget.

It is my great pleasure to welcome
you to my humble abode.

Now, I know
you come here looking for answers.

For direction, for leadership,
which is why I am so pleased...

What's this?

Yes. Haven't got to the good bit
yet. Just wait, it gets really good.

Which is why I am so...

-CUDDLY DICK:
-Brothers, we stand
together at the dawn of a new age.

Join me, and I shall achieve
what Imperatrix never could.

Soon, Yonderland will be ours!

MANIACAL LAUGH

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