Original subtitles

(bright music)

(eerie music) (woman vocalizing)

- [Ethereal Woman] Bill, come to me.

- Bill, Bill?

You're meant to be down on one knee with champagne.

And?

The speech, William, the speech we wrote together.

- Sorry, just nervous.

- No, you're not.

You're not nervous.

- Thank you.

- You're immature.

Can you please just say the speech?

- My darling Kristy.

- Oh my God, Bill.

- [Ethereal Woman] Bill, forget her.

- Bill? Bill?

- [Ethereal Woman] Don't marry her.

- Can you please concentrate?

- [Ethereal Woman] Come to me.

- You do know this is the story

I'm meant tell our kids.

You know what, I knew it!

I knew you'd screw this up!

Oh, what, you're going for a swim now?

Now that's it?

That's it! We're over!

We're through!

Call me when you wanna propose properly, you dickhead!

(eerie music)

- [Ethereal Woman] Come to me

(water whooshing)

(woman hissing) (man gasping)

(ominous music)

(suspenseful music)

- [Male Caller] Hello? I need your help!

- [Female Caller] My books are reading themselves!

- [Male Caller] My truck's stolen itself.

- [Female Caller] The costume shop comes alive at night.

- [Male Caller] My glasses aren't letting me see.

(creepy music) (woman vocalizing)

(crickets chirring)

- [Announcer] Maybe there's no music playing.

Maybe it's not snowing.

Maybe there's no Mexican truffle place.

But there's no maybes about my feelings for you.

I love you. (audience laughing)

- You see how he's treating her?

That's how you gotta treat Kath

on the big date tomorrow.

- Not a date.

We're just grabbing dinner.

(Jenga blocks rattling)

- Ha ha ha! Jenga, again!

- Far out!

- Anyway, look, here's a little consolation pressie for you.

- What is it?

- I know you've banned me from giving you surprises,

but it's nothing really.

- It's just that last time it was nothing,

it was a snake.

A corsage? (peaceful music)

- Yeah, for your date.

- Well, thank you Gregor, but it's not the 1950s.

You don't expect me to wear a suit as well, do you?

(telephone rings)

- Hello, Coolum Beach Police,

This is Officer Banks speaking.

Sorry?

You've locked a nudist in your shed?

- She's been banging like that since I called you guys.

- She?

- Yeah.

I caught her trying to steal my Nan's clothes

off the line.

- Jesus!

- I know, right?

And so naturally, I wanted to confront her about it,

and she just went wild!

She's a strong one, too.

- [Gregor] Yeah?

- I think she's a Swedish backpacker.

- [Toby] What makes you say that?

- 'Cos she was drunk

- [Toby] Right.

- And naked.

(suspenseful music)

(wind whooshing) (metal banging)

Careful, now.

She's got a mean right hook on her.

I'm gonna film this on my phone

at the bottom of Nan's stairs.

(eerie suspenseful music)

- I love this shit.

(Gregor laughs)

(door creaking)

- Hi, I'm a police officer,

I'm here to help.

Here, will you take my jacket?

Bottoms oh.

No, no, no, no, Gregor, no.

Pants stay on.

- Pants stay on.

Here you go, just pop that on, too.

I'm Officer Banks, Toby Banks.

What's your name?

- My name is Lola.

- You see, she's drunk.

She can't even talk proper.

- It's an accent.

I think it's Norwegian.

- I think it might be Swedish, maybe.

- It's not Swedish, it might be Danish.

- [Gregor] Banks said it might be Danish, not Swedish!

- What makes him a professional?

- Oh!

(eerie music)

Lola, you're safe now,

It's okay.

Come with me and we'll look after you.

- [Gregor] He's got a girlfriend, you know.

- We're just grabbing dinner.

(thunder rumbles)

- Can you please lock the shed,

Mr. I'm-Professional-At-Determining-Everyone

(eerie music)

- [Gregor] What the?

- So, you, after a bit of a wild party,

you got left behind by your friends?

- Yeah.

- And, you've lost your bags, too?

- Yeah.

- And your passport?

- Yeah.

- Ah, that is so annoying, isn't it?

- And your camel, too?

- Yeah.

- I told you she's drunk.

- She's Norwegian.

Or something, I don't know.

Look, Lola, I'm sure you must be scared,

but I want you to know that you're safe here,

and that I'm gonna help you sort all this mess out.

I promise.

(Lola gasps)

It's okay, no, no, no, that's okay, it's all right,

it's not hot.

It's fine, it's fine.

It's all fine.

(eerie music) (woman vocalizing)

- Why?

But why?

But why?

You really want me to say it, don't you?

Okay, fine.

Harry, can we please borrow the swimming club's dinghy?

Yes, we'll have it back to the carnival-

Thank you, good-bye.

What is it Banks?

- Sarge, I picked up this girl last night.

- You don't need to tell me that sort of thing, Banks.

- What?

No, no, no, she's lost, she needs our help.

- We got an actual missing person's problem here, okay?

William Kay disappeared on the king tide last night.

It may have been a shark.

- A shark? - Shh!

We're trying to keep it quiet.

- [Female Officer] Sarge?

(Neil hums)

- I'm taking the dinghy out today,

so personal problem will have to wait.

- What, no, no, it's not a personal problem, Sarge.

She's lost, she's got no passport, or money,

or place to stay.

Don't we get her a hotel or something?

- We're not Luther, Banks,

we can't afford to throw money

at every problem that comes our way.

- Sarge, we just picked up the harpoon.

- [Neil] Good job.

- Sarge, sorry, but what am I supposed

to do with her?

- Oh, sorry, Banks,

there's a shark on the loose, okay?

I can't hold your hand this time.

You're gonna have to take care of it yourself.

(eerie music)

- Lola!

Listen, the backpackers, it's full,

but, you're more than welcome

to come and stay at my place,

just until we get this sorted out.

How does that sound?

- Yes, thank you.

- Oh, okay

- [Kath] Banks!

- Oh!

Thank you.

Hi, hi Kath.

- [Kath] Who's this?

- Oh, this is Lola.

Yeah, I found her last night.

She had her passport stolen and her backpack.

She's a backpacker.

She's from Sweden, I think.

Or Norway.

- Well, wherever she's from, she's very pretty.

- No, she's not pretty.

- She's gorgeous.

- Hi, lovely crabs, Kath.

- Oh, thanks Gregor!

- All right, which one of yous is gonna be me lucky crab?

- So, looks like you've got your hands full,

I mean, if you wanna reschedule dinner,

if you're busy with Lola?

- Oh, no, no I am not busy.

No, tonight is perfect.

- Okay, well, see you at seven then?

- Yup, good, seven it is.

Seven it is.

- Hey, this better be the last time

I get crabs from you, Kath!

(Gregor laughs)

- Bye.

(peaceful music)

So, you know you'll be in here, and,

oh, just made it.

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

And I will be out there in the other room

on the floor.

- You're not sleeping with me?

- No, no.

- You don't like me?

- Yes, you're very nice.

- So, we can both sleep here then.

- Pardon?

(suspenseful music)

- I want you to sleep with me.

(shoulder thuds)

- No, I've gotta go to the toilet.

(door thuds)

(Gregor humming)

♪ And you're going to be good eatin' ♪

(Gregor laughs)

- Oh, see the pot?

In the pot.

Ah, I love this bit the best!

(suspenseful music)

Ouch! You bit me!

Holy shit, (indistinct).

(Lola speaking in foreign language)

Did you just call me an orange?

Let's see how you like it!

(dramatic music)

(Lola screams)

Ow.

Ow!

My hair!

(Lola screams)

(toilet whooshing)

(Officer Banks whistling)

- Whoa! What is going on here?

Gregor!

(Lola yelps)

No! Lola!

No, no, no, don't go in there yet, please!

What have you done?

- She bit me!

(Lola crying)

- Lola?

Are you okay?

Lola?

(knuckles tapping)

Lola?

- [Gregor] What the?

- Come out here, we can talk out here in the fresh air.

Lola, please.

Some vegetarians have very strong views on the issue.

You know, actually, it's going up on the list.

Yep.

- She's no vegetarian,

she's a mermaid!

(eerie music)

Well, you saw how she defended the crab,

and you saw how she reacted when you spilled the water,

also, she's shedding scales!

She's strong.

- She's Norwegian.

- Strongest woman I ever fought.

- She's a Viking, you gotta-

Wait, what?

- She wants to eat your heart, Banks.

That's what she's here for.

Either that, or it's because you're a bit fat.

They like that, too.

Come in, let me read you something from the book.

(Toby groans)

(eerie music)

On any king tide, the temptresses of the deep

lure unsuspecting sailors to the water

with their siren song.

The king tide is tonight, Banks.

(dramatic music)

- Stop slamming things down!

You know, I appreciate

that you are trying to look out for me,

in your own way.

- So, it's agreed?

We'll kill her together!

- No, Gregor, you're being ridiculous.

Lola is not a mermaid.

(ethereal music)

- [Lola] Banks,

you're not fat. - Banks.

Banks, don't listen!

- [Lola] You're skinny

(upbeat rock music)

- I told ya, she's a siren!

- Well, if she's a mermaid then, where's her tail?

- On land they appear in human form.

(Banks scoffs)

They only show their tail when they're

wet!

(suspenseful music)

- Whoa!

(Lola screams) (men shouting)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You realize what you did was wrong?

You're aware that a 68-year-old-

- Hey!

- 47-year-old.

Can't go barging in on a-

I don't even know how old she is!

- Mermaids are immortal, they live forever.

- Far out, Gregor!

You seriously invaded someone's boundaries there!

- Well, what'd you want me to say to her?

I'm sorry, you're trying to eat me best friend?

- Gregor, I understand that in your head

you're looking out for me,

but you're gonna have to apologize to her

and you're gonna have to mean it.

(eerie music)

- Hey!

Is that the Water World shirt I gave you?

- Stop it! Stop it!

Hi, hi, hi, Lola, how are you?

I'm sorry, you're just gonna have

to get used to Gregor's eccentricities.

But he has something he wants to say.

Gregor?

- Ah, Lola, let me say, truly, sincerely,

from the bottom of my heart,

I apologize.

I'm sorry that I saw your tail.

- Okay.

All right, all right,

we got off to the wrong start there.

Again.

Why don't we all just go back into the van

and relax, and play some games?

Lola, what would you like to play?

- Swimming?

- What about fish?

(eerie music)

- Do you have a six?

- No.

- Gregor?

Good, you're picking this up really quickly.

- Thank you.

Had enough?

Scared?

- A little, but I won't consider myself

in trouble 'til I start shedding scales.

- Come on.

(ominous music)

Sarge!

Sarge, is everything all right?

- They found that missing kid.

Turns out he was swept out on the king tide.

Wasn't a shark, unfortunately.

- [Toby] Oh, that's annoying.

- I know.

So won't be able to use this harpoon now.

I thought we could store it here

with all the other police junk we never use.

- Yeah, sure, that's good.

Just...

- I see you're getting along very well with Lola.

- What, oh yeah, no, well she's just staying here

'til we can find her a room at a hostel.

- It's just that I heard that you were meeting Kath.

- We're just grabbing dinner.

- Well, you're a professional policeman, Banks.

You treat people with respect.

- Well, thank you.

- No, I meant that as an order.

- Right

- Kath's a special girl, Banks.

You don't mess her around.

(Neil coughing)

Better get goin'.

- Okay.

(people clapping)

(dramatic music)

- That cheer just now.

Was that for me leaving?

- What? No!

No, no, we're just playing.

- You remember what I said, Banks?

- Yeah, yes

(calm guitar music)

- The usual, thanks, Tony.

(man slurps)

Lovely.

Well, it's nice to see you alive, Bill.

Look, you don't have to feel ashamed, son.

I mean, we've all been caught in a king tide.

(eerie music)

- What?

- Let's talk about that king tide.

- [Toby] Mrs. Marylise, it's not a date.

We're just grabbing dinner.

Yes, that's what she said.

Please stop crying, Mrs. Marylise.

Yes, I know it's a happy cry.

I've gotta go now Mrs. Marylise, I've gotta go now.

Okay, bye-bye!

Bye-bye!

- Are you leaving me?

- Yeah, sorry, yeah, just for a couple hours.

- Aw, please don't go.

I want you to take me on the beach

for a walk.

- I've got a date-

I mean, I'm just grabbing dinner.

Okay, bye-bye.

(eerie music)

- [Lola] Banks, stay with me

You're not fat.

You're skinny.

(goat bleating)

- Well maybe we do have time for a quick one.

A walk! A quick walk. One.

Doesn't matter.

- Thank you.

I'm so hungry.

- Hungry?

- No, I'm from Hungary.

- Oh, right.

Everyone's been wondering.

(eerie music)

- It's hazy, I mean, the only thing I remember

clearly is the song.

It was the most beautiful song I ever heard.

It's like it called me out to the ocean.

(ghostly hissing)

- Like Chumbawamba?

- Yeah.

- [Gregor] Yeah.

- Anyway, the song stopped

and that's when it attacked me.

It was vicious, you know,

it was like biting and clawing and dragging me under.

I thought I was gonna die.

- What did it look like?

- It was a girl.

She looked Swedish or Norwegian or something.

And she called me an orange.

You know how they say

your whole life flashes before your eyes

when you're about to die?

All I saw was Kristy.

I guess sometimes you don't know what you've got

'til you're about to lose it.

(Gregor slurps)

- I know exactly what you mean, son.

- No, wait!

What do I do about Kristy?

- Look, love's a precious thing, Bill.

When you find it, you better damn well make sure

you hold onto it.

- Thank you.

- But, Kristy Wilson's a massive bitch.

You dodged a bullet there, mate.

(dramatic rock music)

Banks, Toby Banks!

(eerie music)

(waves whooshing)

- Lola, we really have to go back now, okay?

- Stay with me.

- No, Lola, I have to go.

Okay, what are you-

- Let's go swimming.

- I really can't do this.

- You don't like me?

- No, I do.

It's just

there's someone else I like more.

And, plus, it's a king tide,

it's full of blue bottles and stuff out there, yuck.

- [Lola Voiceover] Toby Banks.

Forget her.

Don't go.

Stay with me.

(intense rock music)

- [Toby] Gregor?

- You're right, I pressed the wrong button.

Was meant to be a song about how sorry I am.

- What are you doing?

- I've come to apologize.

- She was going for a swim.

- Yeah, but it's a king tide,

I mean, there's all those blue bottles

and stuff out there.

- Yeah, yeah I know.

- You know, I really wanna apologize to you, son, and Lola.

I think it was something that Rosanne said

before she won the lottery.

She's incredible.

She said, "You know in life you don't get many real friends,

Jackie, so hold 'em close."

Well, Banks is my friend,

and Lola, I gotta admit, when you came along,

I got a bit jealous and

so, I'm really sorry.

- Gregor, that's actually really beautiful.

That's maybe the first time I-

- Don't you have a date to get to?

- Well, it's just a dinner, but, yeah, I do.

So what do I do with Lola?

- I'll take care of Lola, don't worry.

- Is that okay, Lola?

(Lola speaking foreign language)

- Yeah, that means yes.

- Oh, you speak Hungarian?

Okay, great.

Okay, well, I'll see you back at the caravan.

(waves whooshing)

(suspenseful music)

- You picked the wrong fat cop there, sweetheart.

(stomach rumbling)

Hungry?

- [Lola Voiceover] Let's play some board games.

I love Claws of Doom.

- Ain't gonna work with me,

I'm 86% deaf.

Now listen, girly, we don't like your type around here,

coming in, stealing our jobs,

eating our coppers,

but if you decide to stick around chasing Banks,

I have no other choice,

but to end things right here and right now.

(energetic music)

Now start swimming!

(eerie music)

(bright music)

- Thanks.

I still can't believe my other plans fell through.

- That's okay.

- Had a big dinner at home,

just heaps of friends.

They'll be mad at me tomorrow.

- What happened?

- Possum problem at home.

- That's annoying.

- I'm used to it.

Did you know in New Zealand,

there's about 30 million possums.

That's about seven per person.

- That's interesting.

- I thought so, yeah.

- [Announcer] Table 47.

Steak and chips and a prawn cocktail.

- How are you?

- Good, good.

- I think about you.

From time to time.

- Neil, I thought that we talked-

- Sorry I'm late, I got caught up.

- With Lola?

- Yeah.

She wanted to go for a swim.

- Well, (coughs) I should probably go...

- No, Neil, stay.

We're just grabbing dinner, right Banks?

- Yeah, we're just grabbing dinner.

- Great!

Well, I know what I want.

I'm thinking of getting the chicken

with the sesame seeds on top of it.

They use this new sauce,

and people say it's disgusting but it is beautiful...

(gentle piano music)

(crickets chirring)

- [Female Announcer] Some things just aren't meant

to work out, I guess.

- [Male Announcer] Yeah, like dinosaurs,

the Ice Age and (indistinct).

(people laughing)

But not us.

(peaceful music)

(door squeaks)

- Hey, you're back early.

- Yeah.

Where's Lola?

- Oh, her backpack turned up

and so she decided to move on.

- Seriously?

- Seriously.

Well, you know with these Swedish birds are like,

in, they're out

- I thought she was Hungarian?

- I thought you were on a date.

- Yeah, yeah I was.

Just me and Kath, and Sarge.

It was very romantic.

- Shoulda worn that corsage.

- Yeah.

- I know what would make you feel better,

how 'bout I make you a lovely spider?

- Did Lola even say anything about me?

- She asked me to give you this.

(tender piano music)

Now, how about that red lemonade

from the locked cupboard, eh?

- You could've just said she wanted to give me a kiss.

- Ah!

(phone rings)

- Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

- [Male Caller] Hi, look, my shirt's just shrunk

like it's been in the dryer.

- [Toby] Yes?

- [Male Caller] Well, I don't have a dryer.

♪ I can't feel

♪ Won't leave this ground

- Tomorrow, everyone in Coolum will turn into trees.

- I knew this was gonna happen eventually.

- [Toby] Adrian's Enchanted Florist.

- He lives here all alone, masturbatin'.

I'm becomin' a tree.

- You're only 47.

- I lied to you, Banks.

I'm not 47.

- Gregor?

(melancholy music)

♪ I won't walk

♪ From this town alone