Original subtitles

(gentle upbeat music)

(gentle somber music)

- [Bosh] C, Q, (chuckles)

D,

R,

P.

- [Beth] We shouldn't be doing this.

- Beth, shut up and close your eyes.

Oh, evil spirits, hear us. (Tim chuckles)

We welcome you tonight to our gathering.

(whispering) Beth! Throw the nugget.

Now, accept our offering and arise,

denizens of the nether regions.

(bell jingling)

- (whispering) Did you hear that?

- Beth, shut up, okay? Just throw the nuggets.

- Bosh, no, please! - No, Beth,

your job is to throw the nuggets, you fat arse.

- I'm not fat! I lost that weight.

(Bosh scoffs) (bell jingling)

- Look, Bosh, maybe we should just go back to mine, yeah?

- Tim, you know your mum banned me till next Wednesday.

(air whooshing) (creature moaning)

(gentle suspenseful music) (bell jingling)

- Who's there?

Hey!

(branches rustling)

(Tim chuckling)

Pussies. (Beth sighs)

(creature shrieking) (dramatic music)

(all screaming)

- Hello? I need your help. - My books

are reading themselves. - My truck's stolen itself!

- [Woman] The costume shop comes alive at night.

- [Man] My glasses aren't letting me see.

(upbeat ethereal music)

- [Elaine] I'm sorry to call you so early.

- I'd just put some fish fingers in the micro.

But if it's an emergency.

- No, no, no. You did the right thing, Elaine.

This is very serious.

You must be very shaken up.

- Oh, it was horrible.

I mean, I can still see it when I close my eyes.

- (exhales sharply) So, where's the body?

(birds chirping) (gentle ominous music)

(flies buzzing)

Where's the rest of the body?

(all retching) - [Man] Oh, god.

- Ah.

You're bird watchers.

Damn it. - I know.

It's senseless.

- That's a barred cuckooshrike.

- We stayed up all night last night

watching the breeding ritual. - Pervert.

- Stop! Gregor, stop it.

- (sobs) And then this morning

Clem found the male of the pair.

- It was a cat. - Oh.

- (stammering) I can come down to the station

and make a statement, if you'd like.

- It was a blur. - You said it was a cat!

- Stop. - No, it all happened so fast,

it looked like a blur.

- It was either a blur, or a cat.

- Gregor, stop it.

Okay? Just... - As I was saying,

I can come down to the station

and make a statement if you'd like.

- Yeah, well, that won't be necessary, thanks, Elaine.

We don't actually take statements about cats killing birds.

- (stammering) So you're just leaving?

- Yes. I'm sorry.

- [Phone] Say cheese! - What?

- It's for Twitter.

- Well, I'm glad somebody's taking this seriously!

(Clem sobbing) (gentle solemn music)

And you shut up, Clem!

You're not the only one who's hurting here! (sobs)

(Toby gasping)

- Oh, someone's been in here.

- Bears. (chuckles)

- It's those damn kids!

- Well, you started it.

- What? What are you talking about?

- Well, you never should have taken his skates.

- His Rollerblades, and I confiscated them

because he was riding them without a helmet.

- That's bullshit, Banks.

- (sighs) It's the law, Gregor,

and they have got to learn to respect it.

- Son, they're not gonna learn to respect you or the law

until you learn to respect yourself.

You've gotta learn to relax, mate.

It's nothing that, uh, some fish fingers

and a game of Hero Quest can't fix.

- That's easy for you to say.

They're scared of you. - Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, kids are kids.

Don't you remember when you were their age?

You know, strawberry spiders and licorice snakes?

Catching worms in the rain? (Toby scoffs)

Hey! Loosen up, dude. (chuckles)

(dramatic music) Me fuckin' games!

Those little shits have stolen me board games!

Oh, I'll ram their heads so far up their arses!

(phone ringing) - Gregor, Gregor! Shh, shh!

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Banks speaking.

- They've stolen me Blossom tapes as well.

The whole series!

(gentle music)

- [Elaine] These cats must have a curfew.

- Look, look, you're preaching to the choir.

I couldn't agree more, and Elaine,

thank you for your statement, and again,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

- [Elaine] Thank you, Neil. (phone ringing)

- Buh-bye.

(Elaine scoffs)

- [Elaine] Bye, Neil.

- Get in, Banks.

(Neil clears throat)

Why didn't you take a statement from Elaine?

- Because it was a dead bird. - A bird that attracts

the tourists, Banks.

Hervey Bay has whales, Noosa has the 200-pound groper

and Coolum has the shrike.

- But, uh, a cat killed a bird.

That's not a crime.

- It is in Coolum.

Did you know that the Coolum Birding Society

funds the Police Ball every year?

- No. - And do you know

who's president of the Coolum Birding Society?

- Elaine? - And do you know

what will happen if she's unhappy with the police?

- She'll stop funding the ball?

- (gasps) Will she?

What fabulous skills of deduction!

Well, I've got another case for you, detective.

Catch that cat!

- What?

Mm, Sarge, please. I'm a policeman.

- Banks, we can't have a killer cat on the loose.

Not this close to the Police Ball.

I need you to protect those birds and catch the cat.

Go on, get. (gentle music)

- [Phone] You have a Twitter!

- (chuckles) My stolen Blossom tapes

are already trending on Twitter. (laughs)

Those punk kids don't stand a chance. (chuckles)

So, what's happening?

- We have to catch the cat.

- Ah, I see.

Well, there's nothing I like better than chasing-

(car horn wailing)

Pussy. I was gonna say pussy.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

I gotta go and see a man about a crab pot.

(car door bangs) - Hello, Officer.

Not used to seeing you around this bright and early.

Hard night? - Yeah, actually, um,

I've been investigating a murder.

- I heard.

I saw Elaine down at the bait shop.

She told me about the bird.

- Yeah, yeah, well, the, um,

the shrike is a very rare bird.

It's, uh, it's Coolum's 200-pound groper.

- Right. - Yeah.

They mate for life, you know.

The shrike, not the groper.

Not that I'm an expert on groping.

Groper. (chuckles) Groper.

(both chuckling)

(milkshake splats) (Toby shouts)

- Ha, ha, ha! - Jesus Christ!

- Sorry, Officer. I was aiming for the bin.

- Bosh Mackenzie!

Just, just one sec. I'll handle this.

That's...

Seriously?

I know it was you who broke into the police van

last night. - Uh-uh.

- I know it was you who stole those board games.

- You're the only thief here.

Speaking of thieves, where's my blades?

- Your blades were confiscated

because you were not wearing a helmet.

Which is nothing compared to, uh,

the destruction of police property.

You can go to jail for that.

I think.

Okay? You got it, you all got it?

Good.

Good.

I'm sorry you had to see me like that, Kath.

- Hey, Banks!

I'm gonna get my blades back,

and I'm gonna get you, you hear me?

(Toby chuckles)

- Well, you don't, you don't have to do that.

- Sh! Shut up and stay still.

- Do you think milkshake stains?

- (chuckles) Shut up.

(gentle music)

- Mrs. Merrylease, please, stop.

It's not a panther, it's a cat.

There are absolutely no panthers in Coolum.

Charlie Hutton? (sighs)

What, the guy who owns the video store?

No, he's a member of the Black Panthers, Mrs. Merrylease.

He's never killed a bird.

Oh, he has, has he?

Look, Mrs. Merrylease, I've gotta go now, buh-bye.

(car door bangs) Buh-bye.

Where have you been?

Is that a crab pot? - Modified.

It's a cat pot now. (chuckles)

The hunt is on!

Come on, Banks, let's go and catch that little fucker.

(dogs yapping)

- Hi, Elaine. Um...

(tuts) Mrs. Lawson? I'm here to help.

I've got cat traps.

- And cherry slice.

- Cherry slice?

(gentle ominous music)

That cat deserves to be stripped of all of its fur,

and made to trot around the town square naked,

in nothing but its bare pink skin.

- Absolutely! Well said, Elaine.

- The, uh, crab, cat traps are set.

- Ah, you've had a change of attitude.

Sergeant Lloyd mentioned the Police Ball, did he?

- (clears throat) So tell us, Elaine,

what happened last night?

Did you, uh, see the cat? - No.

But I did hear its bell. - A bell?

A stray cat doesn't have a bell.

(wings flapping) - Ah, a bird's landed.

(bird chirping)

- [Elaine] It's the barred cuckooshrike.

(bell jingling)

- I know that bell. (ominous music)

(animal snarling) (trap snapping)

- Crab-cat traps. Yes, I've got him!

- Oh, no, no. (stammers) Wait, wait, wait, Banks!

Wait! (dramatic music)

(gentle mysterious music)

(Toby sighs) (bell jingling)

(dramatic music)

(Toby screams) - Ah! What the hell?

Get off me, you pervert! - No!

What? What are you doing here?

- Bird watching? - What?

Were you ringing a bell?

- What? - Okay, seriously,

I am warning you.

Stop mucking me about.

Okay? Or else! - Or else what?

(Beth scoffs)

(leaves rustling) (Bosh screams)

(dramatic music) (all screaming)

- [Gregor] (chuckling) You all right, son?

- What? Yes. (panting)

(wings flapping) (animal screeching)

(claws whooshing) (bird screaming)

(bones snapping) - No! (sobbing) No!

(gentle melancholic music) No! Where were you?

- Sorry, Elaine, there were these kids, and...

- Sorry won't bring 'em back. Now they're both dead. (sobs)

- [Toby] Sorry, Elaine.

It was as good of a bird, I...

(gentle foreboding music)

What makes you think the cat's here?

- [Gregor] 'Cause this is

where I left him. - What?

- His name was Napoleon.

- (sighs) Ah, Gregor, I am tired.

Is there any way you can quickly and, I don't know,

clearly tell me what you're talking about?

- Many, many years ago- (Toby groans)

- There was a spate of bird murders.

The killer was a gruesome tabby named Napoleon.

He killed so many beautiful birds.

Don't you wanna know how many birds he killed?

- Not really, no. - Seven!

- Right, well, it's not really that many birds,

not for a cat. (Gregor chuckles)

I mean, you know, I know it's not great,

but it's sort of in a cat's nature, isn't it?

- Is it in a cat's nature to leave a signature?

Every victim had a single slash across its chest,

and a leg missing, just like the bird today.

I tried to stop Napoleon, but he'd have none of it.

(exhales sharply) It got really ugly.

It was an asymmetric war.

I had weapons, he had brains.

- You went to war against a tabby?

Come on, Gregor. - He was a monster!

And I killed him. - You killed a cat?

- He was asking for it! - Right,

and now, according to you,

this cat has come back from the dead.

How, in your mind, is this possible?

- Ah, no, no, no. Those shitty kids.

Don't they know

the power of these games they're playing with?

This is where I buried him.

- [Toby] Why did you give him a tombstone?

- Respect.

- Ah, look, they're digging up graves as well.

- Oh, no. This has been dug from within.

(tense ominous music)

It's fresh, Banks. (panting)

Napoleon!

He's back!

(owl hooting) - Right.

Well, uh, I'm gonna go back to the car,

and I'll see you back there when you're done

eating the dirt.

Okay. Buh-bye.

(wind whistling) (insects chittering)

(gentle foreboding music)

Far out! Those kids!

What? (sighs) Why?

- [Phone] Say cheese. - Oh! Gregor!

What have, what have I told you

about creeping up on me?

- He's out there, Banks. He's watching.

(stammering) I can feel him.

(bell jingling)

We've gotta go right now.

Right now! - What?

We can't drive with that tire. We're gonna have to walk.

- (chuckles) You mean you have to walk.

Hurry up, Banks.

- [Toby] You realize those Rollerblades

are making us go slower than a walking pace.

- [Gregor] We don't wanna get caught

in any guerrilla warfare.

- There's nothing out there,

Gregor. - Oh, yeah?

Well, he took out our transport,

and now it's out there flanking us.

- If there's anything flanking us, it's Bosh and his mates.

- I can't believe you're scared of those kids.

- Yeah, well, I can't believe you're scared of a cat!

Ah, here, here, kitty kitty cat.

- Stop it. Stop it, Banks. - Sorry. Uh, here, zombie cat.

- Banks! You are such a douche bag.

- I know what that means, Gregor.

- Yeah? Why don't you explain it to me, then?

(branches snapping) - [Toby] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Bosh? (animal growling)

If you're out there, you're in big trouble.

(animal hissing) - Banks. Don't go.

It's a trap!

(animal snarling)

(car horn honks) (Toby shouts)

Oh! Thank you, Jesus!

Shove over, Kath. There's a cat on the loose.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Sorry about the worms.

They're a bit smelly. (chuckles)

- Really? I, (clears throat) I hadn't noticed.

- You are a terrible liar.

So how are you finding Coolum?

- Well...

- What?

- Uh...

I don't think many people like me around here.

- Oh, yes, they do. People just act funny around police.

But they like you.

I like you.

Though I'm a little bit surprised you haven't called me yet.

I mean, I thought we were gonna grab a bite sometime.

- Yeah, yeah, I was. I was gonna call.

There's been just- - How's next Saturday night?

- Uh, yeah.

Good, great. Perfect, definitely, yeah.

(gentle music) * It ain't nothing special

♪ It's just me

- Look, can you turn that shit off?

I'm trying to listen. It's out there!

- Don't tell Gregor,

but I'll pick up his truck in the morning.

- Okay. Thanks. - No worries.

- [Gregor] Hey! Forget about your stiffy, son!

We got work to do! Come on!

- Bye, Kath. - Bye.

(gentle wistful music)

(rifle cocking) - Whoa! Okay, stop.

I hope, is that a, is that a tranquilizer gun?

- (chuckles) Haven't had to use her

since the last time I killed Napoleon.

Now it looks like I'll have to

kill him again. - Right! Good.

Okay, well, we'll take, we'll take the gun

and we'll go back to the reserve.

And we, we tranquilize the cat

and then Elaine will fund the ball,

and then Sarge will like me again.

Well, he probably won't like me,

but maybe he'll hate me less.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Let's go.

(metal clanging) (dramatic music)

- We're not going anywhere.

(metal rumpling)

- It's those kids. - Ha, ha! It's Napoleon!

(metal scraping) (metal screeching)

- Far out! (metal thumping)

Okay. Look, you're not getting your blades back!

- No, don't go out there, Banks.

If this was Hero Quest,

the fat dwarf would be the first one to go.

- I'm not fat!

Gregor, this isn't Hero Quest.

(rifle cracks) (Gregor groans)

- [Gregor] Ow! - What?

Gregor! - Geez! (groans)

- Are you all right? Are you...

(stammers) There's an old man in here!

- [Gregor] I'm 47.

- Gregor? (sighs) Okay, this is ridiculous.

Stay here. I'm gonna call Sarge.

(gentle ominous music)

They cut the phone line.

(dramatic music) - It's been chewed.

Things are gonna get cray-cray.

(bell jingling) - We'll stay here

until the morning.

It's not worth getting hurt over a bunch of kids.

(Gregor chuckles)

- Ow! Have you done this before?

- Once.

With a koala.

My, um, ex-girlfriend and I found it on the road.

- (sighs) Ah, well.

Here's to koalas and lost loves.

- No, actually, Gregor, sorry, I can't really.

I'm on duty. - Ah.

- Hey, shouldn't you go a bit easy?

- (sighs) I ain't had a drop of whisky in 20 years.

The wife cured me of that little mischief.

But when I saw that second bird today...

We've all got our demons, Banks.

- Greg...

Gregor, why are you getting so upset about this cat?

- Because it's already taken so much from me.

- What do you mean?

(gentle wistful music)

I did not know you had a wooden leg.

- The cat took it.

It used to belong to my wife.

- The leg? - The cat!

My wife got Napoleon to keep her company

while I was at the war.

But when I got back, (sighs)

that's when the real fighting started. (chuckles)

That cat hated me. (chuckles)

So it started acting out.

Little things first, like, yeah, clawing the sofa,

meowing when it wasn't hungry.

But then it got worse.

It went after my wife's birds.

Each night, it got into her aviary

and took another victim.

God knows how it kept getting in. (chuckles)

But each morning I found a new bird

with a slash across its chest and a leg missing.

It broke my wife's heart.

So I killed it.

(sighs) After it was done, I presented the cat to my wife.

Do you know what she said?

- "Killing cats is illegal"? - Yes.

That cat kills love, Banks.

(Toby sighs)

Ah.

- You never talk about your wife.

What happened to her?

- I don't know.

(metal clanging) (dramatic music)

- Gregor! Gregor!

- Ow! (gasps)

- Look, Gregor, I want you to stay here.

I'll be back.

- Oh, no, please don't go, Banks. Please.

- They might be violent, crazy,

deranged, really good-looking,

but like you said, they're only kids.

It's time I earned some respect.

(tense foreboding music)

- Wait, Banks!

Don't go out there unarmed.

(hinges squeaking) (wind whistling)

- You kids are not getting your blades back!

You need to learn that you can't just bully people

to get what you want!

You need to learn to respect the law!

(door thuds) - [Gregor] Get off me!

- Gregor? - Banks! Help!

(dramatic music)

Get off me!

Oh, great shakes! (groans)

- You little bugger!

(Toby yells) (Bosh screams)

Wow! You just never learn, do you?

- Hey, I just want my blades back.

They're really expensive. - Not only

are you not getting your blades back,

you're coming to the police station with me,

whenever it is they open. (Bosh sniffing)

What?

What are you doing? Stop that, don't.

- Have you been drinking on duty, Banks?

- What? No, what?

- I can smell it all over you.

- Nice try.

No one's gonna believe you. Mm.

- Yeah, you could take that risk.

Or maybe you could just give me my blades back

and I won't tell anyone. - No.

I'm doing the right thing,

and maybe you'll learn something from me.

(cat screeching) (dramatic music)

- [Gregor] Ah! (Bosh and Toby screaming)

- [Toby] Whoa!

- [Gregor] Shoot it! - Whoa!

(rifle cocking) (Gregor grunting)

(cat screeching)

- Get it off of me! (cat hissing)

Ow! (cries) (cat snarling)

Aim properly, Banks! (Toby shrieks)

(rifle cocking) (cat screeching)

(rifle cracks) (Gregor grunts)

Ah - Ah!

Wait. I'm sorry!

Okay.

(dramatic music swells)

(rifle cracks) (Toby gasps)

(cat moans)

- I'm gonna get you for this, Banks.

(cat moaning) (Gregor exhales deeply)

(gentle music)

- [Toby] Okay, what do they call the Tube in Paris?

- I don't know. - "Le Tube."

- They do not. - That's what it says

on the card. - Le liar.

- Ah, what?

I'm le telling the truth, that is what it says

on the card. - Let me see, then.

- No, it's in le French. - Let me see le carte.

- I don't wanna embarrass you-

- Show me. - with your lack-

- That's bullshit, Banks. It's the Metro.

- [Toby] Gregor!

- What the hell happened? - Don't worry.

The kids have gone. - We've got nuggets on.

- Nuggets?

Hey, what's Kath doing here?

Did you bone her? - No, Gregor,

I was dropping off your truck

and Banks told me what happened.

- Ah. Where's Napoleon?

Where's Napoleon? - Okay, settle down.

It's okay, it's all right.

He's, he's right there. The cat's right there.

(dramatic music) And it's not a zombie.

- [Neil] Banks?

- Just rest, okay?

- Kath! - Neil.

- What are you doing here?

- I just dropped Gregor's truck off.

- Banks, what happened here?

- Oh, I, um, just need to do a bit of housekeeping.

- Yes, clearly you do.

Well, at least you caught that cat.

Where is it? - In le bedroom. (chuckling)

(Neil chuckles)

- You know, Banks, uh, Kath and I have known each other

for quite some time. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. And she's been to my place as well.

- [Kath] Didn't have nuggets, though.

- No.

No, we didn't. (clears throat)

Better get this cat back to Elaine

so she can write me a check.

(truck engine revving)

- (inhales deeply) Oh, man.

(gentle solemn music)

(bell jingling)

- That one's for you, my dear.

(gentle music) * I've got feet

♪ That won't leave this ground

- There is no shark in Coolum.

- [Toby] I picked up this girl

last night. - You don't need

to tell me that sort of thing. - No, no, she's lost,

she needs our help. - I heard

that you were meeting Kath. - Oh, we're just

grabbing dinner. - She's very pretty.

- No, she is not.

- [Gregor] She's a mermaid!

- [Toby] I appreciate that you are trying to look out for me

in your own way. - So, it's agreed?

We'll kill her together!

(woman screams)

- [Toby] What is going on here?

♪ I won't walk

♪ From this town alone