Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(light hearted music)

- [Man] You're listening to 86.9 Coolum FM,

and remember folks, there's nothing lovelier

than a well-trimmed bush.

At least that's what the judges

of the Tidy Town competition say,

and it's only two days till they arrive in Coolum,

so keep those gardens gleaming and keep on rockin'.

(game beeping)

- [Game] Please feed me.

- So you're a junkie too, huh?

- Pardon me?

- Pocket Petz.

Hooked on 'em for years.

What, something funny about my life?

- No.

- You know what?

I'll, ah, I'll finish these transfers.

- You take off.

- Cheers, Kurt.

(ominous music)

(headphones chanting)

♪ Mow, mow, mow, mow, mow

(engine rumbling)

♪ Mowing somewhere, mowing somewhere ♪

♪ Grass is always growing somewhere ♪

♪ And if you have it a lawn that needs a shave ♪

♪ Mowing somewhere

(Kurt screaming)

(mower thuds)

- [Man] Hello, I need your help!

- [Woman] My books are reading themselves.

- [Man] My truck's stolen itself!

- [Woman] The costume shop comes alive at night.

- [Man] My glasses don't make me see.

(dramatic music)

(ominous music)

- I swear to you it's there.

You heard the clip clop!

- I heard someone clip clop.

- Jeez, you get angry quick.

- What do you expect?

I've just spent seven hours lost

in a storm water drain looking for a sewer horse!

- Quarter pony!

As if a horse could fit in a sewer.

Oh, that's going to stain.

(man whistles)

Bears.

- Sarge?

What are you doing?

- Toilet time is private time, Banks.

More to the point, what have you been doing?

- It's a long story.

Involving a horse.

- Quarter pony.

- This is a police caravan.

Get out.

Right out!

I thought I made it pretty crystal clear, Banks.

Your job is to sit here and answer the phone,

not run around town all night with that lunatic.

- They said Charles Manson was a lunatic.

- Get out.

But since you've chosen to neglect your duties,

it's my phone that's been ringing off the hook.

- Sarge, I'm sorry.

What's happened?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe someone trashed the park

with a ride-on mower, right before Tidy Town finals.

- [Gregor] Tidy Town is political bullshit.

- Shut up, Gregor!

- Sarge, I'm really sorry.

If there's anything I can do--

- Well you can start by cleaning up last night's mess.

And I don't even know why I'm doing this,

but I'm putting you in charge of keeping

this town vandal-free until after judging.

If there's so much of a shrub out of place, it's your ass.

You got it?

- [Gregor] Got it!

(door knocks)

(cell phone ringing)

- Talk to me.

Where?

(dramatic music)

Kurt Graywater.

- [Phone] Say cheese.

- Always knew he was trouble.

Well, I figure he drove the mower off that cliff,

prevailing tides brought it back around,

washed up on the beach.

- Right.

Sorry, Sarge, but why would

he drive his mower off the cliff?

- It was drugs.

- Uh-uh!

There's no drugs in Coolum.

- That's not what the paper says.

- Madge, you can't believe the Noosa Times.

They've slandered us before and they're doing it again,

oh, right on the eve of Tidy Town.

- It's ice all right.

Why don't you look at his eyes?

- Clem, grow up!

Act your age, it's not ice.

- Glass?

Tina?

Biker's coffee?

- Ah, Sarge, maybe we could check it out?

- Okay.

- [Clem] Yeah, check it out.

- Let me say it loud and clear.

There's no ice in Coolum.

There's no drugs here at all.

This is a Tidy Town.

Now why don't you all just go home,

the police have important work to do.

Speak a da English, go home!

- Right, okay everyone.

If we could all just move along please.

- Not you, Banks.

You've got a garden to clean.

Choppy-chop.

(dramatic music)

Gregor, what are you even doing here?

This is a crime scene!

How'd you even get in here?

It's a crime scene.

You're not a policeman.

(dramatic music)

- Dig a broad, shallow planting hole.

Two, identify the trunk flare.

Is this the trunk flare?

Gregor!

We've got work to do!

- Hey, Gregor, you old dickbag!

Woo!

- Piss off!

- [Boy] Hey, Mr. Waters, you old dickbag!

- What was all that about?

- Oh, bloody internet troll.

- No, who was the kid you were talking to?

- Oh, that was Tom.

He used to work at the radio station with Kurt Graywater.

In fact, Tom was the last person to see Kurt alive.

- Was it drugs?

- Oh no, no, no, no.

Tom said the hardest thing

that Kurt was ever on was herbal tea.

But he was on the hard stuff.

Stuff like white pomegranate and bronze fennel, Chinese--

Why don't you go and talk to her?

- What?

No, no, I wouldn't know what to say.

- Tell you what, let's have a bit of a practice, all right?

You and me.

Ah, you be Banks and I'll be Kath.

- No.

- All right?

Okay.

Hi, Banks.

- I'm getting a drink.

- Would you get me a lemonade?

- Oh, no, no.

You can't have fizz.

(dramatic music)

- [Game] Feed me.

Feed me.

(headphone chanting) (ominous music)

♪ Mow, mow, mow, mow, mow

(Tom groans)

- Hello again, Mrs. Merrylease.

Yes, I did see the paper

and I have been assured that there is no ice in Coolum.

How do I know?

Well, I'm a police officer.

Yes, I don't.

Yep, okay.

Can you turn that down, please?

What, no, Mrs. Merrylease, that was not an ice rage.

I'm not on ice.

(phone rings)

Hello, Mrs. Walls.

Have you been speaking to Mrs. Johnson?

I know you've seen the article

and I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told,

Mrs. Sheehan, it wouldn't be the first time

a newspaper has lied though, would it?

I mean, remember that article about

the person who was tying a bird to the front

of their windscreen wipers, then driving around filming it?

Well, that didn't happen either, did it?

Oh, it did?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Key.

He sounds like a lovely bird.

If there are any drugs in Coolum, Mrs. Merrylease,

you will be the first person I call.

Yes, I realize that that didn't come out right.

Okay, well I've gotta go now.

Bye-bye.

- You know, Banks, you've really got

to learn how to talk to old people.

What I do, I imagine how it would be to be old.

- You are old.

- I'm 47.

- Yes, you're 47.

I know.

Mrs. Merrylease thinks I'm on ice.

- Well, are you?

- No!

- Well, I don't know what you get up to when I'm not here.

- You're always here.

- Well, not in the mornings.

Oh, most mornings.

(phone rings)

- Hello, Coolum Beach Police,

protecting an ice-free community.

(woman screaming)

- Sorry?

Sorry, can you speak up, please?

I can't hear you over the--

(mower engine rumbling)

Mower.

(dramatic music)

- Right, this is Gwen Bell's house.

- Do you know her?

- Well, I took her on a few sympathy dates

after her husband died, you know,

but she started to get all, like, clingy and weird.

- Oh, no, what happened here?

(suspenseful music)

(Banks cries out)

- Hello, Gwen, this is Banks, my new partner.

- Partner?

- Yeah, look, why don't we

all just sit down, have some Milo,

and you can tell us everything that happened, Gwen, huh?

You do have Milo?

- You know I do, pet.

(gnome shatters)

- Sorry.

- Mr. Kerfuffle was a fourth generation gnome.

- Right.

- No Milo for Banks.

- And extra Milo for Gregor.

(both chuckles)

- Let's do this quick.

What biscuits do you have?

(Gregor slurping)

- Everyone will look at my yard tomorrow

and say that I lost the Tidy Town Award for Coolum.

- Oh, heaven's above!

- What?

- My Milo has popped to the top.

- Here, have mine.

- Gwen.

Can you tell us what happened?

- Can you tell us what happened, Cookie Face?

- I heard someone in the shed.

And then the mower started up.

I looked outside,

and this young boy was destroying everything.

- Can you describe what he looked like, Gwen?

- Like he was on drugs.

That ice.

You know it puts the devil in you.

- Okay, did you see which way he went?

- Look, he's only young, Gwen.

He's trying to help.

- He went that way.

- Thank you.

(Gregor slurping)

- Right.

Let's go, Gwen.

- I tell you what young people need.

- Mm?

- A good dose of National Service.

- Ah, it did wonders for me.

- That'd get them off drugs.

- There's no drugs in Coolum, Gwen.

- That's not what Mrs. Merrylease tells me.

- Young people today have no respect.

With their shirts hanging out.

And messy hair.

And they're fat.

- Are you sure he went this way?

(group sniffing)

- Do you smell something?

(dramatic music)

- Hurry!

Hurry!

(dramatic music)

- My shoes!

(dramatic music)

- My husband's mower.

- My shoes.

- [Gwen] He cherished that thing,

it was the love of his life.

- Gwen, I'm, I'm so sorry.

(hand smacks)

- You're all on ice.

- Ow, ow!

Gwen!

(eerie music)

(eerie music)

I'm not fat.

If anyone's fat, Gwen's fat.

Who do you think is fatter out of Gwen and me?

Seriously.

Be honest.

- Truth hurts sometimes.

(toilet flushes)

- No!

- This place really needs a woman's touch.

- Oh, look, just leave things where they are!

- Do you need a hand, Gwen?

The tea's in the--

- Top right cupboard.

- Right.

- The sugar's just--

- Bottom left drawer.

I see you've painted the ceiling, pet.

(Gwen humming)

- Gwen?

What are you humming?

- Hmm?

I don't know.

It's just stuck in my head.

- This is serious, where did you hear that?

- I think, that young kid was singing it.

- That kid that destroyed your garden?

Try and remember the words.

- Ooh, um, mowing somewhere.

- Come on, Cookie Face, you can do it.

You can do it.

♪ Mowing Somewhere

♪ The grass is always growing somewhere ♪

- We're in big trouble.

Just, no, Gwen.

Gwen, I like you as a friend.

That's all.

(eerie music)

You ever had a song stuck in your head?

- A lot of Culture Club, yeah.

- No, like, I mean a jingle.

- No.

- The last time I heard that song I was just 15 years old.

It was the jingle for Coolum's

first lawnmower shop, Mowing Somewhere.

The first time it was played

on the radio, it put a spell on people.

They went mower crazy, buying two or three at a time.

It was madness.

We, uh, we tried to lock 'em out,

but they burnt the place down.

I escaped through a cat flap at the back,

but poor Joe, he was too fat to fit.

He died.

Whoever's doing this isn't on drugs.

They've heard that jingle.

And if we don't find him, it won't

be just goodbye Tidy Town, it's goodbye Coolum!

- Mm, Gregor, are you on ice?

- You don't believe me.

You think I'm a massive dickhead,

just like the rest of them.

- Jingles don't turn people into mindless killers.

- Yes, they do!

They're meant to possess you, control your mind.

This one's a powerful one, son.

It'll put your soul in a box and shit all over it.

- Well, okay, where is a kid

going to hear a jingle from 50 years ago?

- That's what we're about to find out.

After it happened, I destroyed every tape.

But one of them must have slipped through the net.

Mind you, it was a pretty old net.

Stupid to use it.

But that tape is here somewhere, I'm sure of it.

- Yeah, well, you were also sure

that there was a horse that lived in Coolum's sewers.

- Quarter pony!

You heard the clip-clop.

(suspenseful music) (game beeping)

- [Game] Please feed me.

Feed me.

Please feed me, feed me.

So hungry.

Please feed me, please feed me.

Feed me, feed me.

- Pocket Petz.

Oh, my God.

There really are drugs in Coolum.

(headphone chanting)

♪ Mow, mow, mow, mow, mow

- It only takes one listen.

Ah, eureka!

Ah!

Who's ever doing this has been listening to this tape.

We've got to destroy it.

Now I've got a chainsaw

and some lighter fluid back at the caravan.

(engine rumbling)

- Did you hear that?

- It's him.

He's here.

- He's cut the power.

(engine rumbling)

- It's Tom!

- These are new batteries!

No, Tom, put the brush cutter down and come quietly!

I know it's drugs.

- Hey, hey, he can't hear you.

He can only hear the jingle!

- Hurry!

Unlock the door!

- [Gregor] I'm trying!

- [Banks] It's the key with the ladybug pattern.

- That's the key for the gymnasium hall.

- [Banks] It had an animal pattern!

Try the zebra one!

- Please, shut up, shut up!

You're confusing me.

Got it!

It was the ladybug key.

(Banks yells) (Gregor chuckles)

I broke it.

Sorry, son.

I didn't know me own strength.

- [Banks] This is really going to hurt!

- I knew this is how it was gonna end.

(engine dies)

(Tom thuds)

- Oh, now it works!

Ha.

Yeah, his name's Tom Guerney.

I think it's an ice rage.

No, we're not at the police station.

We're in a caravan.

It's in a park.

Yes, a caravan, it's in Tickle Park.

Quick, just, can you send the ambulance, please?

Thank you.

(Tom groaning)

How hard is it?

(Tom grunting)

Now, Tom.

You're suffering from a withdrawal.

Or an overdose.

You've taken something.

Is it ice?

Okay Tom, now.

(Tom spits)

Really?

Really, Tom, I've looked in your bag

and I've seen the Pocket Petz, okay?

I know you must be on something.

What is it?

(Tom retches)

Yuck, my sheets!

- I found it.

- What have you been doing?

Look at my sheets!

- We've got to work fast, before he completely loses it.

- What?

- We've got to help him get his soul back.

- What are you talking about?

- Tom has gotta sing the jingle with soul.

- He doesn't need a sing-a-long, Gregor.

He needs a tranquilizer.

Or a bucket.

- Tom, sing along with me.

♪ If you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪

♪ Shave, shave, shave

♪ Mowing Somewhere

♪ Grass is always growing somewhere ♪

♪ And if you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪

♪ Mowing Somewhere and save

- It's working.

Tom?

(dramatic music) (Tom growling)

- Come on, come on!

- Tom.

Tom!

- Sing it!

Sing the jingle, Banks!

- What?

- [Gregor] Sing it.

- I can't sing!

- It's on the pamphlet.

The words are on the pamphlet.

Sing it, sing it!

♪ Mowing Somewhere

- Sing it with soul!

♪ Mowing Somewhere

♪ The grass is always growing somewhere ♪

♪ And if you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪

♪ Mowing Somewhere

- Shh.

- Is that vomit?

♪ Mowing Somewhere and save

- Gregor?

What's happening?

- It's all right, Tom.

You're safe now.

Uh, look, I'm going to take a little bit of money

from your wallet to pay for Banks' new sheets, okay?

(sirens wailing)

- [Phone] Say cheese.

- [Woman] Do you think his heart stopped?

- I must think of a sensitive caption for that photo.

- [Banks] He doesn't remember a thing.

- [Gregor] It was powerful stuff in his system.

- So you agree with me?

- What?

- That it was ice?

- No!

It was music.

Music, powerful stuff.

Save your soul or it can take it away.

♪ Mowing somewhere, mowing somewhere ♪

- No, no, no, no.

No, no.

Come on, let's go play Hero Quest.

- Fish fingers, too?

- Why are you asking my permission?

You're 47 years old.

Watch your step.

(gentle music)

- Do you have any idea how much of an idiot

you made me look in front of the Tidy Town committee?

- Sorry?

- One night, Banks.

And you couldn't keep this town clean.

What's the Noosa Times going to say now?

- Sarge, I can't be held accountable

for the actions of someone on drugs.

- I told you, Coolum does not have drugs.

- But Tom Guerney?

- His blood test came back clean.

- What's going to happen to him?

- Punishment.

He made sure we couldn't win Tidy Town,

so he's going to be washing cars for quite some time.

- He attacked me with a brush cutter.

- And not just one car.

Maybe even a bus.

School bus.

Imagine cleaning that.

Not so fast, Banks.

We've got a complaint against you!

- A complaint?

- The officer was rude, mean and quite possibly on drugs.

- No, well, why do you think that was me?

- Oh, she describes you.

Untucked shirt, messy hair.

Fat.

- Gwen.

- You're going to have to apologize to her, Banks.

- Yeah, I painted it myself.

It's to replace Mr. Kerfuffle.

I thought maybe, you know, you could start a new collection.

- Thanks.

I'll call it Fatty.

Constable Fatty.

How's the sausages, handsome?

- They're coming.

I'm going to do something now

I should have done a long time ago.

(CD sizzling)

Well, cover your eyes, cover your eyes!

Go and talk to her.

I'll handle things here.

Go.

(dramatic music)

- Hey!

Heya, Kath.

- Well?

What are you up to?

(grill sizzling)

- Oh, God, help me fucking eyes!

- Help!

His fucking eyes!

- Okay.

(grill sizzles)

(dramatic music)

- No, don't touch 'em, don't touch 'em!

Ow!

Don't touch 'em!

♪ How did God feel

♪ Won't leave this ground

(woman screams)

- Can I have a guess?

The theater is haunted.

- I want you to fix these sets Banks.

We open tomorrow night.

- When a ghost does this, I means you're gonna die.

- Where did you get that?

We're not killing him, don't.

Who keeps moving around in here?

♪ I won't walk

♪ From this town alone