Original subtitles

(light melodic music)

(melodic haunting music)

(metal sign creaking)

(padlock clicking)

(object clinking nearby)

- Hello?

(leaves rustling) (light suspenseful music)

Someone there?

(woman sighs)

(suspenseful music)

(glass shattering)

(creature shrieking)

(metal sign creaking)

- [Man] Hello, I need your help,

- [Woman] My books are reading themselves.

- [Man] My truck's stolen itself.

- [Woman] The costume shop comes alive at night.

- [Man] My glasses are making me see.

(melodic haunting music)

- [DJ Freckles] Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Rise and shine, Coolum, you're listening to DJ Freckles.

- And Stunner. - On 98.6 Coolum FM.

(horn tooting)

The big news this morning is the break in

at Frequent Fryers Chicken.

(man imitating chicken clucking)

So stay sharp, cool and keep on plugging.

(bright melodic music)

- [Danielle] Hi, you've reached Danielle.

Leave me a message. (phone beeping)

- Hi, Danielle, good to hear your voice

on the machine again.

I'm here, safe, so yeah. (bus rumbling)

Pity that you couldn't see me off like you promised.

But you know, hey.

Um, so this is, I don't know,

like the fourth time I've called.

Um, I'd just love to talk to you.

Bye-bye.

It's Toby, by the way, it's Toby Banks.

(phone beeping)

- [Voicemail] Message bank is full, sorry.

(Toby sighing)

(traffic rumbling quietly)

Oh, I'm far out, wait, no, no.

Hello, come back, come back, stop, stop!

(sighs) You've got my boots.

(bag thudding to ground)

♪ I'll catch up in the afternoon ♪

(dog barking)

♪ Only one I feel with you

♪ Kiss me as a sign each day

(women giggling)

♪ In our town

- Don't worry,

that'll be the new look at Coolum High next week.

- Really?

- No. (laughing)

Suits you though.

(van door closing)

(melodic haunting music)

(metal sign creaking)

- Ah, Sarge. - No, Johnson,

it's three pieces each, okay?

I'm not discussing it further, finished.

- Nice, Sarge, Banks is here from the city.

- I'm starting today.

You were gonna pick me up from the bus stop.

- Of course, Tony Banks.

- Terry. - Toby.

- Tommy. - Toby Banks

- Banks. - Hi.

- Well, Banks, we're pretty busy today, as you can see.

- Yeah, so what happened?

- Somebody broke in last night, smashed the place up.

Strange thing is not a cent was taken from the till.

- Oh, could have been worse.

(somber melodic music)

- Could it?

(somber melodic music)

(flies buzzing)

- Jesus! - Quite the feeding frenzy.

His cholesterol must be through the roof.

(Toby laughing)

Is that funny? - No.

- [Johnson] Hm.

- Is that, um? - Chicken blood,

I'd recognize that anywhere.

- Any suspects?

- (sighs) Not yet, but rest assured, Banks,

Coolum's finest are on the job.

(camera clicking)

Oh, stand aside, Banks.

There's an artist at work. (Harold laughing)

Boys from news have been trying to pinch Jones for years.

(Harold laughing) Ey?

How was Alice Horton's big day?

(camera beeping) - See for yourself.

- Oh, poor thing,

you can just tell she's pregnant, can't you?

- Hm, dress just doesn't hide it.

- He looks weird. - Hm.

- Honestly, I don't think he's the father.

- No, no.

- [Neil] I think half the town could be,

but certainly not him. - Hey, Sarge.

- Ugh!

Banks!

- It's barbecue sauce.

(camera clicking)

(melodic haunting music)

- [Neil] Welcome to HQ, detective.

- [Toby] This is my office?

- [Neil] Yes, and you'll be living here too.

- What? Does the Deputy Commissioner know about this?

- Oh, he knows, it was his idea.

- This was Dad's idea? - Hm-mm.

- Why can't I just stay at the police station

with everyone else? - We lock it up at night.

- What if I have to arrest someone?

- (laughs) In Coolum at night?

Everyone's asleep.

- But the break in at Frequent Fryers.

- A one-off, Banks, it won't happen again on my watch.

- Sarge, I'd really much prefer to stay at-

- Listen, Banks, this has always been HQ

for Coolum's night shift officer, okay

and your dad thought a stint out here

might do you some good.

Think of this caravan as the front line,

first port of call for people in need of assistance.

Now you do wanna help people, don't you?

- Yes, of course I do. - Good.

- Of course I wanna help people.

- Good.

- Okay well, how do I get around?

- [Neil] You must wear a helmet though.

- Seriously? - Yes, it's a crime not to.

Also we have a possum problem here,

so if you have any trouble just go,

ah, ah, ah, ah! (claps hands)

Ah! (claps hands) and they should back off.

They should. Alright, I'm gonna get going.

(car alarm system beeping)

- Sarge, wait, no, no, Sarge, you haven't told me.

- Just answer the phone. - What?

Is that it, that's the job?

(car door closing) (car engine starting)

Sarge, Sarge.

- What?

- Are there any keys? - It doesn't lock.

- No, Sarge, is it- - Just answer the phone.

(car rumbling)

(gentle piano music)

(thunder rumbling in distance)

(phone ringing)

(Toby sighing)

- Coolum Beach Police.

(sighs) Hello again, Mrs. Merilees.

(sighs) Mrs. Merilees, it's one in the morning.

I know you miss Mr. Cosiosco, but cats die.

Why don't you just put the bowls away?

They're just gonna remind you of him.

So you woke up and your shoe size has changed?

You've been kidnapped?

By your parents, ah, how old are you?

Are you sure they're not,

your brother's shoes or your wife's shoes or?

Yep.

(quirky melodic piano music)

(Toby sniffing milk)

You can't see in one eye?

It's more of a medical thing.

Yes, Mrs. Merilees,

they are like little people, aren't they?

Okay.

I've gotta go now, bye bye.

(Toby sighing)

(gentle piano music)

(Toby breathing deeply)

(object clattering)

(door opening) Argh!

(water spraying) Argh!

- Get out! (Toby gasping)

Get away from my game!

(water spraying) - Argh!

- Who are you? - I'm Toby Banks.

(water spraying) Argh!

I'm the new night police officer, argh!

(water spraying)

- Say cheese. (camera clicking)

- I hope you like chess.

- What? - Checkers?

- Huh? - How about "HeroQuest?"

(box rattling)

In this game, nothing's what it seems.

- [Toby] Right, this isn't "HeroQuest."

- Oh, yeah, yeah,

I had to change the name for legal reasons.

- You made this? - Yeah,

but whatever Milton Bradley tells you,

I came up with the idea first.

- Right, and who do you play in "Crumpet Quest?"

- The wizard of course,

he's the only one that can cast spells.

What about you, are you an elf man?

- I go dwarf. (Gregor chuckling)

- The fattest and most unpopular character

in the whole game, no one likes him.

But I'll tell you one thing, he's a tough little bugger.

- Hm.

Sorry to be rude, who are you?

- Oh, Gregor's the name, I'm night security for the town.

You know, I locked up the toilets, the parks

and just generally keep an eye on things.

It can get pretty weird around here,

once the sun goes down. - Tell me about it.

I've been going through some of these call logs,

some of this stuff's ridiculous.

- Some of those cries for help

are more real than you can possibly imagine.

I call them

the strange calls.

- Hm, good, yes, I call them prank calls.

Listen to this one, um, caller requires assistance.

Rescuing tree stuck up cat, I'll assume that's a typo.

- Sadly, no, poor Mrs. Morris.

Turned out to be a horticultural matter in the end.

- Right.

It rains when I cry.

- Oh yeah, Aaron McCleskey. (chuckles)

When his Sheila dumped him, the soccer fields flooded.

- Alright, um, man owes giant squid millions of dollars.

- Chris Allen, sad story,

hard to believe really.

- Very, yes, it is.

- Strange town, son, you'd better get used to it.

(phone ringing)

(phone dinging)

- Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

How may I help you?

A burglary, for real?

4-6-4? Unlock!

(melodic haunting music)

(car horn tooting)

- Well, are you coming? I got sherbies.

- His, his chicken was stolen. (sobbing)

- Say cheese. (camera clicking)

Say cheese. (camera clicking)

- A chicken, right.

- I, er, I knew Mr. Percival, son,

he was a handsome bird,

wonderful plumage.

- Hm, sure, great.

Maybe it was perhaps

a feral cat or a fox.

- A fox couldn't do this sort of damage.

- A really angry fox.

- It wasn't a fox.

- Okay, so you saw what did it?

- No, but I heard it, it was a monster.

(intense haunting music)

- Okay, um.

PJ,

do you wanna maybe,

why don't you tell me what the monster sounded like?

- Something like. (sobbing)

- Shh!

- So is he crying now?

Or was that the sound that he thinks it made?

- I think he's crying, yeah.

(gentle piano music)

(Gregor chuckling softly)

- Pound Coolum.

Takes your breath away, doesn't she?

Second biggest volcanic boulder in the world.

You know, some people say she's a beacon,

a magnet that draws strange things to the town.

- Gregor, Gregor.

- I found these in the bottom of the coop.

They're human teeth. - Ugh, oh, oh, yuck!

No, no, you don't just go handing that to someone.

- Well, I do.

- Well, you should warn them first or something, yuck!

(Toby groaning)

(phone ringing)

Hi, Danielle.

Hi, how are you?

Thank you for calling so much.

What's that, um, where are you, are you out?

No. (gentle piano music)

I understand, yeah,

with me being here, it's a distance thing.

No, I don't need to know his name.

Oh, Josh, right.

Wait, Josh from touch football?

No, I, doesn't he already have a girlfriend?

Oh, no, I can actually, I can hear her there now too.

Josh is a lucky guy.

No, I don't have to talk to Josh.

Oh, (laughs awkwardly) hi, Josh.

Please, please don't put me on speaker phone.

Hi, everyone.

Yes, okay, well look, I don't, I don't wanna be rude,

but um, I'm at work, so I've got to go.

So have a fun night, everyone, bye-bye.

Fun night.

(Toby sighing)

- Son.

(radio switching on)

♪ Boom, patter, bing

♪ That's the sound a heart makes when it breaks ♪

♪ There must be some mistake

(radio switching off)

(Toby sighing)

- Are you alright, son?

- Well- - Jeez!

(car brakes screeching)

(head thudding) - Argh!

- What the hell was that? - Ow, oh!

(Toby groaning in pain)

(car door closing)

(light haunting music)

- Mr. Percival, I'd know that plumage anywhere.

- Ah!

Ah!

- I, I know, son, come here, come here.

(gentle piano music) - I just can't believe it.

- Don't worry, we'll, we'll find him. (pats Toby's back)

- What?

Do you think that I am upset about a chicken?

Is that what you think all of this is?

- Eh?

- See, the thing is I never get upset, never,

not even when I have to take a three hour bus trip

to Coolum and there's no one there to pick me up,

or when the Sergeant doesn't know my name

or when I see my new office, it turns out to be a caravan,

a crappy, rusty, old heap of shit caravan!

And I don't get upset when an old man hoses me down

and then hands me some human teeth!

And I don't get upset when my girlfriend breaks up with me,

for some reason for a guy who's called Josh

and plays touch football, touch!

And I never, never get upset, when I find myself

standing in the middle of the night in a street

in the middle of the road at three in the morning,

crying in front of a 80 year old stranger!

- I am 47!

- I am leaving!

(car door closing)

(banging on dashboard) Come on!

(somber melodic music)

(phone ringing)

There is no one here!

- I thought you were different,

but you're doing exactly what they want you to do.

They want you to quit.

- It's my dad!

My dad did not send me here to quit.

- That's why they send them all here.

(stapler clicking)

(stapler thudding)

(Toby sighing)

You chicken.

Can you imagine what would happen

if the fat dwarf packed up and left the wizard?

(bag thudding to ground)

- I'm beginning to see why

you're not at home with your wife.

(body thudding) Uh!

- Now listen, son, you rolled the dice.

Now make your move.

You can't skip a turn,

just 'cause you don't like the numbers.

Now don't you think the fat dwarf

wasn't absolutely fucking shit scared,

when he went down into Sublar's Dungeons?

Of course he was!

But when things got hard, he had a partner, the wizard.

They became a team. (gentle melodic music)

Now Banks,

you and I can become a team.

We can really help people.

(phone ringing)

- Hello, this is Toby Banks, Coolum's night desk officer.

I'm quitting, because I've got no girlfriend,

I've got a black eye, I've lost my shoes, I'm a bit fat

and a few other things I don't wanna talk about

and mostly because your town is crazy.

- Help me! (metal sign creaking)

(melodic haunting music)

(sign scraping on road)

- [Toby] Hello!

(Toby grunting with effort)

- Don't, don't come any closer.

Stay ba-back.

Stay away from me, I don't want you here.

- No, no, you called me, remember?

- Yeah, 20 minutes ago.

- Well, it's pretty quick by bike.

- Too late, I'm gonna do what I should've done last night.

I'm gonna bu-bu-burn this place to the ground

and me with it.

- No, no, no, stop, just relax, relax, relax!

Look, putting the torch away, okay?

It's away, huh, huh,

there it goes, okay, now everyone just,

everyone just needs to calm down a sec.

(Nick clucking) Ah!

- Hm!

I don't wanna turn.

I don't wanna be-become-

- Become a criminal?

'Cause that's what you will become, no, no, no.

So why don't we just step away and put the oil down

and we just talk, we just talk like normal people.

- I'm not normal.

You don't know what I've done.

- No, I do, I know all about Mr. Percival.

- Wait, who?

- The chicken you stole. - He had a name?

Oh, what have I done? (sobbing)

Adios. - No!

(oil pouring)

(Nick shrieking)

My eyes!

- Come back, come back, give me your hand before you-

(Nick shrieking) No, no!

(man thudding to ground) - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

(melodic haunting music)

(Toby groaning)

What?

Get lost.

I told you not to follow me.

- It's a good thing I did, isn't it?

Don't take him to see Sarge, Banks.

I mean, the boy is sick.

We can help him.

- I just arrested the guy who broke into Frequent Fryers.

I'm not gonna let him go.

(Nick clucking)

(light haunting music)

- What's your name, son?

- Nick.

- Nicholas, oh, that's Santa's name,

that's beautiful.

Can I ask what happened to your hand?

- Do you guys like chicken?

- Yes, it's delicious.

- I've been eating chicken at Frequent Fryers

every day for six months.

- Jesus! - I've, (clucking)

been eating there so much.

(melodic suspenseful music)

I'm turning into a chicken.

- Well, he's showing all the symptoms.

His teeth have fallen out and he has a fear of foxes.

- No. - Yeah?

- No, no. - Yeah.

- Yes, it's worse than that.

(melodic suspenseful music)

- Oh, gross, gross!

I just vomited in my mouth.

- Say cheese. (camera clicking)

(Nick sobbing) - I've seen this before.

- Where have you seen this before?

- I've seen it before. - Don't make things up,

you've never seen this before.

- I'm telling you I've seen it before.

- Ugh! (Nick sobbing)

- How do you spell disgusting?

- D-I-S- - Gregor, Gregor!

(light haunting music)

- You must think I'm a freak.

- What? No, no, of course not.

- I am a freak, look, look at me, look at my hand.

- Ugh, yes, yep, okay, it's okay.

- I've tried to control my cravings,

bu-bu-but they're too strong.

- Okay.

- Even after you closed down the shop, I still wanted more.

That's why I took Mr. Prendergast.

- It's Mr. Percival.

- I was gonna eat him. (sobbing)

I'm a monster.

- You're not a monster, son, you're a chicken.

(Nick sobbing)

- Before I turn, I need you to write a letter to my dad.

Mum died when I was 10. - Isn't that something,

you might wanna do yourself?

Yep, okay, forgot, sorry.

- It's just that I can't- - Yeah, I know, I know,

I know. - Grip.

- Yep, I get it, I'll do it.

Really loves Frequent Fryers.

So we've got sad at school.

- Hm-mm. - Sad when Mum died

and sad again about losing bike.

Anything else you wanna add?

- Finish it with P.S.,

I'm turning into a chicken.

- Right, is that something

that you wanna leave for the P.S.?

- [Gregor's Phone] Oh, you have a Twitter.

- Can you just turn that onto silent please?

- I'm getting a lot of Tweets about his hand.

- Can I see?

- I don't think so, son, they're mostly pretty negative.

- No, I meant the letter.

(light melodic music)

(Nick sobbing)

That's me? - Yeah, I thought so.

- What's gonna happen to me?

- Well, it depends on the circumstances,

whether you have any priors.

- The transformation will be like something

you've never experienced before.

Here's an aspirin for the pain.

(chickens clucking)

(light melodic music)

They're all waiting for you, Nicholas.

(melodic orchestral music)

(handcuffs clicking)

- Alright, let's go.

(chickens clucking)

(dog barking)

(leaves rustling)

(muffled melodic pop music)

(suspenseful music) (Nick shrieking)

(muffled melodic pop music)

- Banks.

(dog barking)

- [Toby] Sarge?

(suspenseful music) (Nick shrieking)

- This better be good. - It is, Sarge,

I've arrested the guy, who broke into Frequent Fryers.

- Mr. Henderson already confessed to the break in.

- What? - Arthur Henderson is a liar.

- I have told you to keep your nose out of police business.

And I know the glue in my letterbox is you.

(suspenseful music)

(Nick shrieking)

Banks, go home.

- Please, sir, just come out to the car with me.

(dog barking)

(glass shattering)

(cockerel crowing)

(suspenseful music)

(handcuffs rattling quietly)

- [Neil] Great first day, Banks.

(gentle piano music)

- Ah, hello there.

- Hi.

- Sarge tells me you're leaving.

- Yes, I just don't think this is the place for me.

- Oh, that's a shame.

How about a drink?

- I'd love to, I mean, I'm busy now, but I mean-

- You can have Neil's.

- Yeah, cool sorry, yes, that one.

- Okay, well, I guess see you.

- Bye bye.

- Ah, hello there, Cushions.

- I told you never to call me that, Neil, ever.

- Sorry (clearing throat).

Well, I just need your autograph on this and we're done.

It's a pretty tough job, Banks,

I'm not surprised at your decision

and neither is the Deputy Commissioner.

- Dad said that? - Big time,

spoke to him this morning.

Don't worry, not everybody's cut out to help people.

Did Kath leave that for me? - No.

Um, that's the last one, sorry.

- Well, you're not the first person to quit that post, Banks

and you won't be the last. (sighs)

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

(gentle piano music)

- Perfect. (laughing)

(phone alerting) - You have a Twitter.

- They like you, Banks.

- Who? - My Twitter followers.

Gregorsucksballs87 says that you are,

"Fat in a cute way."

- What? - Yeah.

- Gregor, you can't just Tweet a photo of me

without asking. - Well, I did ask.

I asked very quietly and you nodded.

- I was drying my hair.

(chicken clucking)

- Mr. Percival.

(chicken clucking) Do not come in,

you'll scratch the floors. (phone ringing)

You'll scratch the floors just like you did last time.

(phone ringing)

I think you should get that, son!

Now you, chicken, Mr. Percival, get out of here.

- Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking.

How can I help you?

- [Man] Look, there's a griffin

drinking from my swimming pool.

It's not a problem, oh my God!

Oh my God, it's fallen in.

Oh, my God, it's drowning!

♪ I've got feet

♪ That won't leave this ground

- Someone trashed the park with a ride-on mower

right before Tidy Town finals.

- It was drugs. - There's no drugs in Coolum,

this is a Tidy Town!

- Whoever's doing this isn't on drugs,

they heard that jingle.

- [Toby] Jingles don't turn people into mindless killers.

- Yes, they do.

We've got to help him get his soul back.

(chainsaw whirring)

I knew this was how it was gonna end.

♪ I won't walk

♪ From this town alone