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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,339 Are we... are we gonna put it back when we're done with it? 3 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:17,887 Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map. 4 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,517 The rest is just instructions for running a country, 5 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,933 and I'm pretty sure they're online. 6 00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:22,457 It just feels a little wrong... 7 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,000 Morty, are you gonna be a fucking America nerd 8 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,286 or are you gonna be cool 9 00:00:25,329 --> 00:00:26,939 and steal the Constitution with Grandpa? 10 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,529 Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal. 11 00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:34,382 W-Why not just use this again? 12 00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,607 Morty! You just destroyed the map 13 00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,759 and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty! 14 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,437 I'm sorry... w-wait, what? 15 00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,613 It was a Trojan horse, Morty. Never trust the French. 16 00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,330 Alright, fun's fun, but now the federal government's 17 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226 gonna be pissed again. Way to go. 18 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,705 And on America's birthday 19 00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:55,403 or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is. 20 00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:30,196 Seal Team Leader: Rick and Morty! 21 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,545 You are under arrest and surrounded 22 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,093 by an anti-portal shimmer! 23 00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:34,244 Come out with your hands up! 24 00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,400 Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me. 25 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,881 Can't wait to see what a "shimmer" does to my prostate. 26 00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,013 Dad, can you please just end whatever this is... 27 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,841 I understand you're upset, Mr. President. 28 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,539 It's honestly all Morty's fault. 29 00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,299 But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army 30 00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,804 of pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts off my lawn. 31 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,675 Don't tell me what I want, you anti-American 32 00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,024 piece of shit, you terrorist! 33 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,504 You know, you use that word so much 34 00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,071 it's lost all meaning, Mr. P. 35 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,701 It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist? 36 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:58,292 It's a guy you don't like. Big deal. 37 00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,728 Hoo-rah! 38 00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,168 Told you to stand down. 39 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,605 You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men. 40 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,192 Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror. 41 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,869 You want a war?! 42 00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:13,065 I'll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn Phantom Zone 43 00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,762 with a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck. 44 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,701 You're done, Sanchez! You hear me? 45 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,399 Oof. He's really pissed this time. 46 00:02:18,442 --> 00:02:19,941 Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with. 47 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,184 Okay, well thank you, Summer, 48 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,640 but I think I've got a better option. 49 00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:23,839 Dad, no. Ehh 50 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,536 hands are tied, sweetie. 51 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,210 I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the President 52 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,018 into giving me a Presidential turkey pardon. 53 00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,238 Again? How many times have you done this? 54 00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:32,737 I don't know, Jerry, how many years have I lived here? 55 00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,241 Careful how you answer that. 56 00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,112 Geez, Rick, y'know, y-you've done this a lot. 57 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,090 Don't you think the President might see it coming this time? 58 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,812 He probably will, Morty. That's all part of the dance. 59 00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,249 In the past, I've inserted myself 60 00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,338 into the potential turkey pardonee population 61 00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,793 by brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler 62 00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:47,341 prior to the ceremony. 63 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:49,560 But this time, the turkey wrangler's been euthanized 64 00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,929 and the turkeys will be transported 65 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,694 by armored military vehicles. 66 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:56,045 Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control. 67 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,482 - Which we have audited. - Allowing me access to... 68 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,025 - Central computers... - To track the... 69 00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,225 Real armored transports, which he can never... 70 00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:03,661 Totally track and sneak aboard. 71 00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:05,272 And even if he does, he'll be on a truck 72 00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:07,578 full of turkeys and fully armed marines. 73 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,537 Who won't recognize me because the human eye 74 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,365 is inherently face blind to turkeys. 75 00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:14,237 President: Fortunately, those marines won't have human eyes. 76 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,847 They'll have turkey eyes. 77 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,936 Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don't you two 78 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,764 just fuck and get it over with? 79 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,549 Careful, Dwayne. You're only Vice President 80 00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,377 because I need 10% of the white vote. 81 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,075 There's a giant French assassin attacking New York, 82 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,295 and you're using the war room to measure dicks 83 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,297 with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend? 84 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,994 Rick Sanchez is more dangerous 85 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:34,039 than some steam-powered French bitch, 86 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,216 and New York can handle its own global emergencies. 87 00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,479 General? Initiate Operation Deep Gobble. 88 00:03:41,656 --> 00:03:43,484 Coop, not on Thanksgiving. 89 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:44,963 It's what I trained for, Mary Lou. 90 00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,835 It ain't our fight.Baby. 91 00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,446 That little race car driver you got bakin' in your belly. 92 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,274 What world you want him rearin' up in? 93 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,668 One where some... spiky-haired Doctor Who 94 00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,974 in a lab coat can change the color of the sky? 95 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:58,325 Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs 96 00:03:58,368 --> 00:03:59,978 and drive it to a jukebox 97 00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,285 full of our demographic's current favorite music? 98 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,982 Obviously the latter, but... 99 00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,289 Well, that world, Mary Lou, the one with those meals, 100 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:09,466 vehicles, and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer 101 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,163 that world needs a few good men. 102 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:12,861 In a secret Pentagon lab. 103 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,384 Turning into turkeys. 104 00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:16,560 You come back without feathers, Coop. 105 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260 God, I love this country. 106 00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:23,480 Hoooo-ah! 107 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,454 General Green: These pills contain tracking chips 108 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,673 that identify each of you as individuals. 109 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:45,676 That will be important later. 110 00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,867 Alright, boys, search every bird. 111 00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,348 If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin'. 112 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,828 Let me look at you, scum. 113 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,351 Get outta here, you wobbleneck. 114 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,919 Sarge, this... this ain't like the simulation, man. 115 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:12,766 - I don't like it. - Keep it together, Martinez. 116 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,357 Eyes are on the ground, sir. 117 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,533 No sign of Einstein. Stay frosty, gentlemen. 118 00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,971 I want this pardoning pipeline airtight. 119 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,756 Sir! We have hacked the garage door. 120 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,497 We are in. Eyes on the bogey. 121 00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:25,237 Or you've got eyes on a robot. 122 00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,675 All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it! 123 00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:30,286 Those flesh-covered robots should buy us some time. 124 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,462 The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck. 125 00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,812 Ship, go stealth. 126 00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,380 Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that. 127 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,469 Huh. Turkey Marines. 128 00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,123 The President came to play. 129 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,124 Jam those two radios. 130 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,255 Ship: Confirmed. 131 00:05:43,299 --> 00:05:45,127 Ah! Geez! 132 00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,443 Fincher, Rodriguez, come in! 133 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,140 Copy, copy, tango, all good. 134 00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,795 Just a couple of branches on the roof. 135 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,797 Don't ever turn your radio off again. 136 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,340 - We will not surrender. - We will never surrender. 137 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,800 - We will not surrender. - Oh, yeah? 138 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,932 Bring in the David Blaine box. 139 00:06:09,891 --> 00:06:11,675 Damn, is that a David Blaine box? 140 00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,958 I told you we should have just gone to my parents' house. 141 00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:15,940 No, you didn't.Well, I didn't say it out loud, 142 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,464 but it should be well known by now 143 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,204 that I'd always rather be there. 144 00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:20,641 - Oh, God, oh no! - Aw, geez, Rick! 145 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,599 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box! 146 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,166 Then that confirms it. Sir? 147 00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:26,821 No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez. 148 00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,083 Scan the turkey truck! 149 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,476 Huh. That's weird. 150 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,521 ID chips for Fincher and Rodriguez are glitching. 151 00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:32,740 Sanchez... 152 00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,611 I'll deal with this bastard myself. 153 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,743 Sir, don't be a cowboy. 154 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:37,353 You can't get re-elected dead. 155 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,094 System is calibrated, sir. 156 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,985 That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify... 157 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,011 I know, it'll be important later! 158 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,621 Do it. 159 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,017 Reporter: Moments from now, 160 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:51,106 the President will be pardoning a turkey... 161 00:06:53,674 --> 00:06:55,066 Home stretch, Morty. 162 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,025 Here comes dip shit right on schedule. 163 00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,593 Nothing can go wrong now. 164 00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:00,874 Morty: Jesus, is that... Oh, shit. 165 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,204 The President has the upper hand. 166 00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,727 G-Grandpa fucked up. Sunglasses on. 167 00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,531 Act like a turkey. What? Wha... Are you scared? 168 00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,209 Act like a turkey! 169 00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,169 That's Rodriguez and Fincher, sir. 170 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,868 It's Rick and Morty, you useless fucking stump humper! 171 00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:16,348 Sorry, don't tell 10% of your friends I called you that. 172 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,480 Mr. President. 173 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,351 Sanchez, admit it. You lose. 174 00:07:19,395 --> 00:07:21,223 Say it and I'll let your loser ass go. 175 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,681 Did you just try to spit in my face with no saliva gland? 176 00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,663 Just pardon me, dick. Why the hell would I? 177 00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,317 Oh, I dunno, 'cause if I move to Canada, 178 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,579 they'll be the best country! 179 00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,494 I'll peck your Goddamn eyes out! 180 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:32,800 Ow! Hey! 181 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,497 Shit! My plume! 182 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,543 Hey, back off! 183 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:38,893 Blueberries! We got blueberries down! 184 00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,895 Hold your positions, it's a feeding frenzy! 185 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,200 I-I can't see. 186 00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,506 I mean, I can see. 187 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:47,902 270 degrees... It's too many degrees! 188 00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:50,252 Sir, we are losing the mental game down here. 189 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,490 General Green: Keep it together, soldier! 190 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,211 POTUS is still in that pen... 191 00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,916 We just lost New York to France! 192 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,526 Pull out the President right now! 193 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,746 Gobble Tango... I want POTUS out of that pen! 194 00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:08,139 That is an order! Locate the president's chip! 195 00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,706 Roger, roger. 196 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,055 There he is, I got him. 197 00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,275 Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle! 198 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,234 Hey, that's not me! 199 00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:19,847 Package is secure. Pull us out. 200 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:23,241 Computer: Reinjecting subject DNA. 201 00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:33,469 Hoppin' Jehovah, you look like five pounds of shit 202 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,036 in a whore's lunchbox. 203 00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,907 You alright, Mr. President? 204 00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:38,561 Yes. I am 205 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,997 the President. 206 00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,304 Clean his ass up and get him to the War Room. 207 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,653 Hey! Gobble Squad! 208 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,350 You got the wrong guy, you morons! 209 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,702 Look at this dumb piece of shit. Gobbling away. 210 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:50,617 Get back in there! 211 00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:53,533 Alright boys, you heard the VP. Pardon is tits up. 212 00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:55,056 Pack up and ship out! 213 00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,887 As for you, Sanchez 214 00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,541 bon appétit. 215 00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,936 Where is this elevator going? 216 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:08,199 Where all the unchosen turkeys go. 217 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,071 The feeding chamber. 218 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,076 What the fuck is that? 219 00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,165 Not what... who. 220 00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:20,211 The only thing to fear is... me! 221 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:21,604 How the fuck does the White House 222 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,519 have a cloned spider of FDR? 223 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,999 It's no clone, it's FDR. 224 00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,696 He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. 225 00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,046 We asked ourselves "What walks the most?" 226 00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,787 "We?" You're taking credit for this? 227 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,964 The office comes with baggage, Morty. 228 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,226 Rick, I'm afraid to die! 229 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,682 You won't have to be for long, Morty! 230 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,944 We're due to return to human form any second! 231 00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,361 Then what? 232 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:41,078 Then we just have to not get eaten by the spider! 233 00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,843 Oh, so in other words, be afraid to die? 234 00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,429 Morty, if winning an argument is that important to you, 235 00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,628 you were never alive! 236 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,283 Time for a New Deal... Murder! 237 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,459 President: I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were! 238 00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:54,028 Try having an historical administration after Facebook 239 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,379 goes online, you old-timey bitch! 240 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,816 Morty, tear open that panel! 241 00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,079 How's this for a fireside chat? 242 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,518 Woof. You just killed FDR. 243 00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,955 He was a monster, though. 244 00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,913 Don't mythologize him. He was a politician. 245 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,089 Speaking of, you kind of saved our bacon there, 246 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395 so I'll make you a deal. 247 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,179 You pardon us and I'll make you human. 248 00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,659 Wrong turkey. 249 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,443 Man, the face blindness is real. 250 00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,056 I'd like these... men 251 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,840 turned back into humans, please. 252 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,537 Uh, yes, of course, Mr. President. 253 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,714 But I thought we already rehumanized 254 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,106 all the turkified marines. 255 00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:32,066 I'd like these men turned back into humans. 256 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,241 I am the President. 257 00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,546 Yes, sir. Uh, sure thing. 258 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:38,986 Increase their strength by 1,000%. 259 00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:41,379 But... that wouldn't be human. 260 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,557 Turkeys have always been more than human. 261 00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,735 Okay, uh, so right there, now I'm starting to... 262 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:54,741 I am selling New York to France. 263 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:57,918 And giving all of the money to Congress. 264 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,703 Now that's how you do it! 265 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531 He became President today. 266 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,274 That's right, murmur! 267 00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,928 And when you're done, get me some pants. 268 00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,365 If you're the President, who the hell have we been 269 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,802 governing the country with for the last three hours? 270 00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,543 An impostor, you good for nothing idiot! 271 00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,458 You humanized the wrong turkey! 272 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,807 It's possible. 273 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,070 We shouldn't leave anything to chance. 274 00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:23,900 Wouldn't want Congress working with the wrong president. 275 00:11:23,944 --> 00:11:26,555 A very good point, Mr. President. 276 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,296 Do we believe this fine feathered, 277 00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,777 collaborative gentleman to be our commander-in-chief? 278 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,171 Or are we gonna let "Mr. Cash Bar at the Christmas Party" 279 00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:35,477 stay in office? 280 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,132 All in favor of Turkey President? 281 00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,394 You can't be serious. 282 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,830 You think he cares about America? 283 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,180 Is that why this is happening to you? 284 00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:46,706 Because you cared about America? 285 00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,795 Guards, these men are 286 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:49,839 oh, what is the word? 287 00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,493 Uh, terrorists. 288 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:54,365 Okay, screw this. Go, Go, Sanchez laser fists. 289 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:57,325 Oh, shit, I was a turkey for a while, wasn't I? 290 00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:59,196 Okay, guy's pretty strong. 291 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,720 Mary Todd Lincoln! 292 00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,942 Who's dead weight now, bitch? 293 00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,602 You should regain feeling in your ass in a minute. 294 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,232 Sorry my turrets blew up your motorcycle. 295 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,866 Just give me some goddamn clothes. 296 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,955 Must suck to have your only safe haven be my house. 297 00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,348 Y-you want your regular outfit 298 00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,847 or should we dress you like a terrorist? 299 00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,849 I don't need to be here, and I'm still the President. 300 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,808 Oh, glad to hear it. That means you can give me that pardon. 301 00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,374 Or... Or I could put you out with the trash. 302 00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,487 What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country? 303 00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,402 I hate every country in the universe, brother! 304 00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:32,795 They're job placement programs 305 00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,338 for the politicians that invent them... 306 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,798 Okay, Fight Club. 307 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,235 I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! 308 00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,846 You get paid to make sports metaphors! 309 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,325 I clean your litterbox! 310 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,545 So your little nerd paws don't have to touch 311 00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,765 another nerd's nerdy poopies while you're flexing 312 00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,810 your grody little edge lord anus all over it! 313 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,812 Guys, maybe you're both right and both wrong. 314 00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,379 Both: Shut up, Morty! 315 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,270 You little bitch, you destroyed the Constitution. 316 00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:54,662 You're the biggest booger eater here! 317 00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:57,341 Do nottalk to my son that way. 318 00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,778 Sorry, Mrs. Smith. 319 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:00,146 The two of you are ruining Thanksgiving. 320 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,606 Together. 321 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:02,758 And you can both either come to the table 322 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522 and eat food with my family 323 00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,830 or you can keep doing what you're doing at the corner bar. 324 00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,876 Bars actually suck at Thanksgiving. 325 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,226 Dorothy: I'm still trying to sort through this. 326 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,812 One of you wishes you had the personal quality 327 00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,490 known as courage 328 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,579 but the other two of you want actual vital organs? 329 00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,929 This Charlie Kaufman reboot of "Wizard of Oz" 330 00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,626 is destroying itself. 331 00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,063 That's why I need a brain! 332 00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:26,240 I'm doing a terrible job writing this! 333 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,851 Pass the potatoes. 334 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,505 Thank you. Mm-hmm. 335 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,289 Good green beans, Mom. 336 00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,552 The turkey's raw, Dad. Shit's potato bunz. 337 00:13:34,596 --> 00:13:36,598 Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us 338 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:39,079 in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. 339 00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,429 So I guess elections dohave consequences. 340 00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:44,214 Eat my ass, Jerry. I've seen your IRS records. 341 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,434 You can blame me once you have taxable income. 342 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,305 Yes, Jerry is a piece of shit. 343 00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:49,785 I agree. 344 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,787 Um, guys? What's that? 345 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,181 Paula, as you can see, President Curtis has enacted 346 00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,270 a plan to turn all turkeys in America 347 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:57,880 into hybrid super soldiers. 348 00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,882 The move has 100% approval from Congress 349 00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,971 following its third pay raise in six hours. 350 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:02,972 Back to you. 351 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,196 My God, the bastard's unhinged! 352 00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,198 There won't be a single bird left in DC! 353 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:13,809 Oh, wow, wiping out a native population on Thanksgiving? 354 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,377 That's never happened before. What did you just say? 355 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,268 Well, I-I associated Thanksgiving with genocide. 356 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,381 It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to... 357 00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,078 The Crypt of the New World. 358 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,341 That could be our one chance to turn this thing around. 359 00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:25,647 You know about the Crypt? 360 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,301 Ugh, so the treasure's already gone. 361 00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:29,477 Wait, is that why you were stealing the Constitution? 362 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,913 You old fart dick. 363 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,630 The Crypt of the New World isn't a treasure. 364 00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,177 But it might be our only hope. Come on. 365 00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:36,353 But isn't the crypt underneath DC? 366 00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:38,007 The Turkey President's got an army. 367 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:39,748 An actual Army. And an Air Force. 368 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,141 And Marines... Slow down, Morty. 369 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,596 Walk us through every military service. 370 00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:43,883 Does somebody have a pen? 371 00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:45,164 We've got something more powerful 372 00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,798 than every army in the world. 373 00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:49,192 Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech, 374 00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,996 we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies. 375 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,717 Eh, it worked against the British. I'm in. 376 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,590 Birds replacin' people. 377 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,071 What would Johnny Cash or Dale Earnhardt say? 378 00:14:58,114 --> 00:15:00,334 He'd say "It's time to walk the line" 379 00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,336 or "Drive very fast between two of them." 380 00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,077 We don't serve your kind here. 381 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,556 Oh, my God, are you serious? 382 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,254 Read the sign. 383 00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:08,342 He's my boss, Marvin. 384 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:09,647 It's okay. 385 00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,998 Mistrusting Presidents is a patriotic duty. 386 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,782 And that guy on TV isn't me. 387 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,002 He's a turkey infused with my DNA. 388 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,917 I'll be damned. 389 00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,877 Well, I'm racist. 390 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,184 You better not be here to take my man again. 391 00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,794 - Mary Lou. - I'm poor! 392 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:26,882 And pregnant! 393 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,188 With a poor person! 394 00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,667 And I need you. 395 00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:31,408 And 10% of your baby. 396 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:34,934 Now, look, I know it's gonna take more than some speech. 397 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,587 But what is a speech? 398 00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,372 Isn't it just a question? 399 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:40,113 And isn't that a question too? 400 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:41,723 Speeches are words. 401 00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:42,942 Repeated words. 402 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,291 Listed words. 403 00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:46,032 Repeated lists of repeated words. 404 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,642 None of that matters. 405 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:48,991 You know what does matter? 406 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,254 Me. Asking you. 407 00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,865 "Will you do what I say?" 408 00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,824 Just two questions, Chief. 409 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:59,045 Lock? And load? 410 00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,263 They're rhetorical, sir! 411 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,395 Lock and load! 412 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,929 Sir, we've got Rick and Morty coming in what appears to be 413 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,931 an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT. 414 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,412 Or as the millennials say, A-T, A-T. 415 00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,761 So it begins. 416 00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:20,762 Gobblers! 417 00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:22,372 Tonight, we rise! 418 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,816 Aww, geez, geez, geez. 419 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,559 Nice driving, Sanchez. 420 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,257 Wire's down, pen is clear. 421 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,649 You know the Goddamn rules! 422 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:39,975 If you see something clucking or pecking, 423 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,391 put a buckshot in its panties. 424 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,886 Jesus Christ! T-they got Johnson! 425 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,453 He got off easy. 426 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,150 Cooper: Hold off the bastards! 427 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,066 What now, Rick? 428 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,633 Time to turn up the broiler. 429 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,771 Whoa, i-is that... 430 00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,860 The Crypt of the New World. 431 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:21,170 The treasure you were after is this country's oldest secret. 432 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:25,044 One disguised by centuries of Thanksgiving folklore. 433 00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,136 Is that... a turkey dinosaur? 434 00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,789 America's original rulers. 435 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:35,097 Merciless beasts, grazing on the flesh of cowering humans. 436 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,708 Then, in the 15th century, a vessel crashed. 437 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,840 Two vessels, really. 438 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,669 On board... our saviors. 439 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,976 Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do. 440 00:17:55,204 --> 00:17:57,250 Oh, shit, they're gonna fight! 441 00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,990 Morty: No, wait, they love each other! 442 00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:00,688 They were at war when they arrived, 443 00:18:00,731 --> 00:18:03,169 but they united over their hatred of turkeys. 444 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,214 And what they love even more than each other 445 00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,955 is kicking turkey butt. 446 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:07,999 Gentlemen! 447 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:10,263 Ba'ruka Dar Tin'in Yo-Tei! 448 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,747 Coooooooooorn! 449 00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,972 It's working! 450 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,279 Come on, Sanchez, let's power down the humanizer ray. 451 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,633 Whose side are we on? 452 00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,939 I don't know, but we've done enough to pay for college. 453 00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,942 Look, we're almost there. 454 00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,858 Sorry, my turn for a surprise. 455 00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:42,904 Damn, this guy loves arriving from the shadows. 456 00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,298 Look around. You can't beat our ancient warriors. 457 00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:48,692 Can't I? My kind has always dealt with predators. 458 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,738 That's why we sleep in trees. 459 00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:53,828 And that's why, in the wild, we fly. 460 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,180 Now you must choose... 461 00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,748 Fight me, or stop that weapon from turning 462 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:04,404 all of America's turkeys into a new master race. 463 00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:05,946 You dumb dip shit, there's three of us, 464 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:07,233 and two of us are spacemen. 465 00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,148 Obviously they're gonna save America 466 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,299 and bring that monument home, 467 00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:12,238 and I'm gonna kick your ass. 468 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,543 Oh, and, Sanchez? 469 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,023 You got your pardon. Aw. 470 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,981 Shut up, Morty. Come on. 471 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,505 Let's go, bitch. 472 00:19:18,548 --> 00:19:20,159 So be it. 473 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,684 Is it true what Turkey Man said? 474 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:24,859 That turkeys sleep in trees? 475 00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,208 Who the hell cares, Morty? 476 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,949 Let's just deactivate this shit. 477 00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,603 Calibrating. 478 00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,953 Targeting all American turkeys. 479 00:19:31,996 --> 00:19:33,389 Oh, my God, they gave it a voice? 480 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:36,218 Who is this for? We're in space. 481 00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,959 Geez, Rick, I-I-I guess them? 482 00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,395 Morty, use this carefully. 483 00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:40,807 Crack the humanizer core and cut the blue wire. 484 00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,093 You hear me? Blue wire. 485 00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,419 Wha... Why don't we just blow it up? 486 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:44,835 It's a national monument, fuck nut! 487 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,228 We just got pardoned. 488 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,056 You really wanna do this again next year? 489 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,367 You forgot something, Turkey Man. 490 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,978 No matter what you got people to believe, 491 00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,154 I'm still the Goddamn President. 492 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,375 And you forget, in the one day I've had your job, 493 00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,812 I've learned 10 times as much. 494 00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,466 I've underestimated you. 495 00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:08,250 For the last time. 496 00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,301 Rick, they're not exactly primary colors! 497 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,303 A-Are... Are we cool with, like, t-turquoise? 498 00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,522 Are you kidding me, Morty? Just cut the damn thing! 499 00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:24,135 Oh, shit, oh, fuck... 500 00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,486 Targets acquired. Activating weapon. 501 00:20:26,529 --> 00:20:29,706 Oh, shit! Oooooooh! 502 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,447 Heritage destroyed. 503 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:32,579 Morty! 504 00:20:35,016 --> 00:20:37,018 God damn it, you had one job! 505 00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,288 I beat you. 506 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,203 Look at me, you turkey ass bitch. 507 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,554 Wait, why are you... 508 00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:53,295 Is that a wishbone? 509 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,384 I wish to explode. 510 00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,088 Man: The Berlin Wall has come down. 511 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,532 Man #2: It's called the Playstation. 512 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,353 The winner is... "Shakespeare in Love." 513 00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,050 - Playstation 2. - Hurricane Katrina 514 00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,052 - slams Louisiana... - Playstation 3. 515 00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:12,595 - This is Maroon Five... - Playstation 4. 516 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:16,144 - The Cubbies win! - I want a Playstation 5. 517 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,929 I wasn't sure when to pull you out. 518 00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:21,105 I-I assumed you were running through your whole life. 519 00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,237 Yes. 520 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,239 And what a life it was. 521 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:27,808 Gentlemen, thank you once again for saving this nation. 522 00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:29,723 Slloosh garg blurrg. 523 00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:31,290 I don't speak googa. 524 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,379 The CIA only taught me your activation phrase. 525 00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:34,858 But if I could say anything... 526 00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:38,471 I'd say give America one more chance. 527 00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:44,520 Kalaak 'ha benben prilo garg. 528 00:21:44,564 --> 00:21:47,044 Oh, my God, they're gonna fight. Th-They're really gonna fight. 529 00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:49,960 - Aw, they love each other! - Never gets old. 530 00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,484 I'll never get tired of that. 531 00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,790 So... after those aliens discovered America... 532 00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,401 They went into hibernation, 533 00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:58,752 leaving us the technology we used to lead the free world. 534 00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,015 That and also to do stuff like slavery. 535 00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,104 I always thought we were... more special than that. 536 00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:05,106 Like we invented everything and did everything 537 00:22:05,149 --> 00:22:06,586 and that's why we own everything. 538 00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,805 Now I-I-I-I don't know what to feel. 539 00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:10,503 Feel thankful, Morty. 540 00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:12,331 Feel thankful. 541 00:22:43,884 --> 00:22:45,973 I know, baby. 542 00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,845 Coop, honey, should we get Lucky Charms or Kibble Bibbitz? 543 00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,543 You know we can't afford either. 544 00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:53,459 Baby, the President owes you. You saved him. 545 00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,112 Ain't his fault our insurance got cut. 546 00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,592 They gotta build missiles. 547 00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,508 Ugh, fine, just... Can y'all hold Jakey for a second? 548 00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,104 Bag Boy: What the hell's he doin? 549 00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,323 Deli Guy: I think he's foraging. 550 00:23:12,347 --> 00:23:14,131 Crazy bastard thinks he's a turkey. 551 00:23:14,175 --> 00:23:16,220 Well, I refuse to pay for this man's health care. 552 00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:23,706 Did you get any of that? 552 00:23:24,305 --> 00:24:24,925 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 41189

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