Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Benny was here.

What were you doing last night, Benny, huh?

Ah. Dinner time on the trail.

And Benny is...

there.

Eating a turkey leg and drinking whiskey.

Getting pretty wasted.

Oh, he's up. He's up.

He's getting up to take a leak.

And...[CHUCKLES] Oops!

[URINATING]

And he's in the bush,

peeing on himself.

- [URINATING CONTINUES] - Still peeing.

Doesn't seem to care.

And he's back up,

shaking the pee off the turkey leg.

Oh, don't eat that, no!

Gross!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

One bean? That's it?

Lest you forget, we threw most of our food

into the river to save your keister.

Oh.

Well, in that case, this bean looks great.

Can't wait to dig in.

Yummy.

We can't survive on this.

Now I hear there's buffalo in these parts.

- Maybe we can hunt them. - It's too dangerous.

No one's stupid enough to go on that suicide mission.

[IMITATES BUZZER] Wrong.

I'm that stupid.

Todd? Since when do you know how to hunt?

Every summer my parents sent me

to Fancy Dandy's Hunting Camp for Wealthy Boys.

For the survival of my people,

I'm willing to put my life on the line.

Wow. Todd, I gotta admit, that's really cool of you.

Thank you.

ZEKE: Uch. Really?

What does she even see in him?

What do you care?

- You in love with her? - No! No.

I'm just... I'm trying to look out for her as a friend.

And I don't know what he has that I don't have.

BENNY: Money, status, and with that stout body,

you know he's packing a whopper.

- Shall I keep going? - No, that's plenty, thank you.

Benny, I'm recruiting volunteers to join the hunt.

- Can we count on you? - Nah.

I'm more of a people-killing kind of guy.

Once you go people, it's hard to go back.

Well, that's too bad.

We could use a man like you.

I'll do it.

Are you sure, Zeke?

I just... I didn't think you were that kind of guy.

- What do you mean by that? - Oh, nothing.

It's just, you know, you seem more...

You're more, like, sensitive and thoughtful. Um...

Benny, help me out here?

She's saying you're a weenie little bitch baby.

Okay, no, that's not helping.

Well, clearly, you have the wrong impression of me.

I'll show you what kind of man I am. Give me that.

Yeah, it's the other way around, chief.

Yes, I know.

- PRUDENCE: Hey, careful. - Whoa. Whoop! Careful.

Whoa.

Nice weight to it.

Excellent.

WOMAN: That's a beautiful stitch, Granny.

I was nervous about the diamond stitching,

- but now it's my favorite. - [WOMEN CHUCKLE]

This sucks ass.

The men get to go and do this cool hunting trip

and we just have to sit here stitching dumb blankets?

I find it quite stimulating.

[BENNY WHISTLING]

Hey, howdy, gals.

Me and the mistress are gonna hit the hot tub.

Taking a little me day.

I can't believe he's not gonna help with the hunt.

Should have expected as much from a no-good outlaw.

He does whatever he wants, answers to nobody.

It's a life of total freedom.

Who would want that?

- Hey, Benny. - Oh!

I want you to teach me how to be a bandit.

And why would I do that? 'Cause I don't want

to spend my life sewing dumb-ass quilts.

I want excitement and adventure and just,

to do whatever the hell I want.

No offense but you don't really seem like the bandit type.

[CHUCKLES, GROANS COMFORTABLY]

Not the type, huh?

- Hey! - Teach me how to be a bandit now,

- or the whiskey gets it. - All right, all right, all right!

I'll... I'll do whatever you want.

Just leave her out of it.

Huh. Maybe you got some more bandit in you than I thought.

All right, men, listen up.

When we get out on that hunting field,

there's gonna be one rule and one rule only,

and that's kill or be killed.

- MEN: Sir, yes, sir! - Sir, yes, sir!

Oh, I'm sorry, Reverend, I can't hear you.

- Are you ready to test your manhood? - Yes, sir.

- Tell me you're a man. - I'm a man! I'm a man!

Oh, that's good.

Now let's get out there and kick some buffalo ass!

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

They're everywhere. God help us.

That's right, boys.

You're staring into the face of evil.

Really?

[BUFFALO MOOING]

They don't look evil to me.

They look kind of sweet.

Get ready for war!

Sorry, are we looking at the same thing?

TODD: Okay, here's the plan.

John, I want you to take the perimeter.

- Copy that. - Lionel and I,

we'll advance along the southern ridge.

I'm sorry, but is all this strategizing necessary?

It really seems like

you can just walk up and shoot them.

[SCOFFS] That's what they want you to think.

Lure you into a false sense of complacency

and the second you take your eyes off these monsters,

they rip your guts out.

Will they, though?

They look extremely peaceful to me.

Look, that one is just rolling in the grass,

enjoying the sunshine.

And that one has befriended

a little bunny rabbit.

What an unlikely animal friendship.

I can't take it anymore!

I didn't sign up for this shit!

I wanna go home!

Pull yourself together, man. Come on.

Think of the mission.

Come on! Think of the mission, man!

Clearly, I am in the minority here,

but this just does not seem like the test of manhood

it was presented as.

Reverend, don't move.

There's one right behind you.

Yep.

- Oh! - [BODY THUMPS]

[BUFFALO GROANING IN PAIN]

I got it. I got it in one shot, baby!

Yeah!

And it was a massive stationary target,

but sure.

Step 12 of the Cincinnati Twist,

you wanna point your gun

at a 45-degree angle at point X,

X being the person you're aiming to kill.

And let me guess: You start shooting like crazy,

just like every other move.

Yeah, that's right. Wow, you're a quick learner.

All right, moving on. Next subject.

Horse care and maintenance.

Now the first thing you want to get

is a nice pretty brush.

Oh, my God! We have been doing this for hours!

When are we gonna start doing real bandit stuff?

Now that's gonna take weeks.

First, you gotta earn your bandit training permit.

Then you can do daytime robberies,

but only with an experienced outlaw present. Now...

This is bullshit. No, come on, Benny.

I don't need any of these rules.

I'm ready for the real thing.

Oh, okay, hot shot.

Want me to show you the real thing?

It's about to get very real.

[MEN CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Whoo, you see that? One shot, baby. One shot.

Oh, did you see the... [LAUGHS]

Whoa! Stand back.

- It's still alive. - Poor thing. It's in so much pain.

It's your first hunt, Reverend.

Why don't you have the honors?

Oh, no. You're all right. Um, yeah,

this one's got Todd written all over it. Come on.

Thought you wanted to prove that you're a man.

- I do. - Well, a real man

always takes the kill shot.

- Do it. - JOHN: Take the shot, Rev.

MAN: Do it, man. Do it!

Okay, if that's... If that's what it takes.

Uh-huh.

Now get real close up to its face.

[SNORTING]

[QUIETLY] Apologies.

[GRUNTING]

[GUNSHOT]

[ALL CHEERING]

You're a real man now, Rev. How does it feel?

Good. It was cool how the brain exploded all over me.

[LAUGHS]

Fur trappers. Yeah.

Come all the way from "le France"

to collect beaver pelts.

And we're gonna rob 'em blind.

Really? Just like that?

Unless you're scared.

No, I am not scared. I'm psyched.

All right, then. Mask up.

[FRENCH ACCENT] You cannot wear

a raccoon skin hat with a beaver jacket.

Freeze!

Anyone who moves gets one between the eyes.

How was that?

Okay, uh... a couple notes.

Okay. When you walk in,

just, uh, maybe throw it away more.

You know, like, don't try to be a bandit,

just be a bandit.

Okay, yeah, that's good. Felt a little stiff.

Is it cool if I take it again?

Uh... okay.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Whoo.

Freeze.

Anyone who moves

gets one between the eyes.

Okay, that felt good.

I not only believed it, I felt it.

Magnifique. Very scary.

Thank you so much.

I don't know, you guys. I love the fit,

but I feel like it makes me look a little bit fat.

Do you think so?

Dingus. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm not just a bounty hunter, Benny.

I'm also... a bargain hunter.

Really? You're not gonna laugh at that? Huh?

I'm putting myself out there,

trying to be funny, in this heat.

Well, anyway.

Get down!

[GUNSHOTS]

Okay, Benny. What's the plan?

Well, this happens sometimes.

He got the drop on us. So now we just wait

for one of the bullets to hit us, and then we die.

We die? That's the plan?

How much was this one again?

What about the Cincinnati Twist?

You mean just shoot like crazy?

Hey, that might work.

All right, on three?

BOTH: One, two, three!

[YELLS]

♪♪♪♪♪♪

- What are you doing? - I'm grabbing their shit! Ha ha!

Au revoir, bitches!

Ha! That's my girl!

Yeah, I'll take this.

We did it, men.

This'll make a fine addition to my trophy room.

Hey, Rev! Come on, get in on this.

- Uh, no thanks. I'm okay. - Come on, you're the MVP.

You shot the bastard's damn brains out.

Go on, get in there, Rev.

- Get over here! - I said no thanks.

To be honest, I feel sick about what we did.

What I did. Killing an innocent creature

just to prove I'm a man. I mean... pathetic.

Wow. I'm sorry.

I just didn't realize that, um,

the reverend was such a buffalo lover over here.

[MEN LAUGH]

Hey guys, try and guess who I am. Ready?

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Ooh! Look at me!

My name's Ezekiel!

[MEN LAUGHING] I love buffalo so much,

I want to have sex with 'em!

- I don't sound like that. - I like to 69 'em.

That's disrespectful to the buffalo.

Oh! Ooh! [LAUGHS] Actually feels good.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

- [GRUNTING] - [BEAR GROWLS]

Todd. Todd!

[GRUNTING, LAUGHING]

Todd! There is a bear behind you!

- [ROARS] - [SHRIEKS]

- [BEAR GROWLS] - I'm sorry for humping

your friend, Mr. Bear. It was an accident.

- Guys, what do we do? - Get outta here!

What? Run?

- Come on. Let's go! - [BEAR ROARS]

- [TODD WHIMPERING] - In there! In there!

[BEAR ROARS]

[GROWLING]

Whoa. Bad day to wear my velvet underwear.

- Because I shit my velvet underwear. - Right.

[PRUDENCE HOWLS]

Oh, man! I love being a bandit.

That was so cool, remember?

You're like, "One, two, three,"

and it was like, "Pow pow pow pow!"

And they were so scared! Oh, my God.

I feel alive.

Not bad for your first stick-up.

Well, not bad for your first time teaching.

Actually, it's my second time.

I also taught my daughter.

How did I not know you have a daughter?

Tell me everything.

Fine.

But this is just between us outlaws.

Just between outlaws.

The story starts a long time ago.

Yeah. I was on my own back then.

My career was starting to take off

when I met her for the first time.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, you lost, kid?

Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you.

[YELLS]

She was violent and deranged,

like a feral animal.

Ow!

In other words, a chip off the old block.

- Aw... - [BELL RINGING]

Soon enough, we were pulling cons together.

All right, Trig, it's go time.

What's the golden rule?

Get money and kill anybody who gets in the way.

Atta girl.

We were the perfect team.

I was the pretty face, and she was the muscle.

Howdy, mister.

Can I get a lump of ice cream, please?

Aw, I can't say no to that smile.

Gimme all your money.

When I got a gang of my own,

she was my right hand man.

All right, Trig.

It's go time.

Remember the golden rule?

Get money and kill anyone who gets in the way.

Atta girl.

[GUNFIRE]

She was the best outlaw I'd ever seen.

Quick, cunning, and most of all, ruthless.

Aw, we did it, Trig! We're rich!

No...

I'm rich.

[GUNSHOT]

Gosh, Benny.

I'm so sorry.

Your own daughter?

The crazy thing is,

even after all that,

I still miss her.

But hey, that's the bandit life for you.

[CHUCKLES] Can't trust anyone.

But it's worth it for all this freedom.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

No siree bob.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

You think the bear's gone?

I'll check.

[BEAR ROARS]

Nope. Still there.

Hey, I'm sorry I made fun of you earlier.

I'd be dead meat if you hadn't saved my life.

[CHUCKLES] God! I'm such a loser.

- Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. - No, it's true.

The only reason I led this hunting party

was to impress Prudence.

I thought if I could prove to her

how strong and manly I was,

she would fall in love with me again.

A silly thing to want to prove.

Hey, what do you think?

I mean, you're her best friend.

Am I fighting for something that'll never work?

Should I just give up and let her go?

Just shoot me straight. What should I do?

[TODD AND JOHN, ECHOING] Come on, man.

- Take the shot. - Come on.

- Take the kill shot. - Take the shot, Rev.

- Quit being a sissy. - Take the shot, Rev.

[GUNSHOT]

Um...

No, you shouldn't give up. You should...

You should try and make it work.

Tell her how you feel.

I'm no good at the fancy words like you are.

I mean, I could write something

for you to read to her.

Really? You'd do that for me?

Yeah.

Psst! Hey, guys!

The bear is asleep.

I'm gonna lead him that way,

and you two make a run for it.

That's crazy. That's a suicide mission.

It's okay.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I want this.

For myself.

Godspeed, soldier.

See you boys on the other side, huh?

LIONEL: Hey, bear! Come and get me!

Oh, no! He instantly caught me!

- [BEAR GROWLS] - Ah, the bear's eating me

from the feet up!

Half my body is currently in the bear!

- [BEAR GROWLS] - Oh, God! The bear brought

another bear friend!

I am now being eaten by two bears!

From either direction!

This plan could not have gone any worse!

- [SCREAMS] - [BEAR GROWLS, CRUNCHES]

- We gonna head out? - Yeah, I think we should go.

- Okay. - I'm gonna grab my stuff.

Hey, Benny.

- Whoa! - Got the drop on you.

Oop! Don't shoot. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, slick.

Are you ready for another big day of outlawing?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, actually,

Benny, um,

I don't think being a bandit is for me.

You know, I thought I wanted the life that you have,

but, seems kinda lonely.

Are you gonna be okay?

[SCOFFS] Don't worry about me.

I don't need you. I don't need anybody.

I got all the friends I need right here.

Well, uh, if you ever want,

you're always welcome at the quilting circle.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

So I am fighting this stain,

trying everything to get it out,

but nothing's working!

- So what did you do? - Gave up.

Told John he needs to start

pulling his drawers down in time.

Go, Martha. [LAUGHTER]

Sorry I was being kind of a jerk yesterday.

We're just glad to have you back.

And I'm glad I'm here, too.

[CHUCKLES]

You ladies are a hoot.

Turns out, I'm a natural at quilting.

It's a butterfly.

Oh, I see it.

- [OX MOOS] - Oh, the men are back!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Zeke!

- How did it go? - Ah, not great.

Yeah, turns out I am not really the hunting type.

Gosh, I'm just happy you're back in one piece.

- Me, too. - [METALLIC CLANGING]

Excuse me, everyone!

I'd like to read something to my wife.

Todd. What are you doing?

"Dearest Prudence,

You are my best friend.

"But you're so much more than that.

"You're the most amazing woman I've ever met.

"This journey is changing us all

in ways we can't pr..."

Pr...

Predict.

"But I promise

"I will always be by your side.

[MOUTHS WORDS] I love you."

[CHUCKLES]

Todd.

That was beautiful.

I had no idea you felt that way.

Me neither.

JOHN: We got a buffalo!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, man. It's a good thing you and Prude

are just friends or this would really sting.

Yeah. Good thing.

We are gathered together

to mourn the death of Lionel,

who bravely sacrificed himself...

Reverend? Tell us how he died.

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm not sure that's a great idea.

It would bring me peace

to know how my husband spent his final moments.

Very well, then.

Lionel was attacked...

by not one, but two bears...

- [WIFE CRIES] - who ate him alive

as one might an extra-long chili dog.

[SOBS]

- I can stop. - No, please.

It's helping.

[SOFTLY] Okay.

At a certain point, the bears became bored

of eating Lionel, and engaged in a game

of what can only be described as...

bear volleyball.

[SOBS]

Go on.

- Please don't make me. - Please.

You owe me this.

That is when things got "bad,"

as the bears proceeded to place Lionel's head

into a sort of... bear cannon.

[WAILS]

Start again from the top.

But this time more detail.

♪♪♪♪♪♪