Original subtitles

HONEY: Summer, 49 years ago,

Chief and I were just puppies, playing in the backyard,

enjoying what we thought

was an innocent kerosene and meat party.

And then came The Booms.

It was terrifying. [whimpers]

Hair dryer during a thunderstorm terrifying.

And suddenly, Chief was gone.

Chief!

I was worried we'd never find him.

The trail of diarrhea only took us so far.

[whimpering]

We thought we found him

at the toxic waste management facility.

[shouting] [both gasping]

But it wasn't Chief. Just a misunderstood monster.

We finally found Chief two days later

in an abandoned Blockbuster

slurping up videotape like spaghetti.

And that's why I live in dread of Boomsday.

Why do they call it Boomsday if the booms come at night?

Nobody knows, and it's very confusing.

We don't know the exact date, so we have to be alert.

Do we all know the Boomsday warning signs?

Little handheld flags.

Paper plates that have hotdogs on them.

- Kevin wears his fun shorts. - Radio stations breaking format

to play marching band music.

And of course Donnie Cheadle's pool party.

Look, Honey, I get why you're worried about Chief. He's a moron.

But I think we can handle Boomsday.

[loud thump]

- Oh, God. - Oh, no, no, no.

- We're all gonna die! - The booms are coming!

- Wait, Diablo, you're not afraid? - I'm surprisingly chill, right?

My Mom and my Dad and my Randy

are trying out all these new sedatives on me.

The side-effects have been brutal.

[sneezes]

[crows like rooster]

But they finally found the perfect drug!

I feel great and no side effects!

Ah! Knick knack paddy whack!

Give a fish a bone.

[upbeat rock music]

[all barking musically]

? ?

[all barking or meowing musically]

? ?

[music crescendos]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

You guys are nuts!

This is the best time of year.

My favorite beach restaurant just reopened,

and their dumpster overfloweth with half-eaten crab cakes.

I'm gonna jump in here before my trauma swallows me whole.

Last weekend, I accompanied my human on a flight.

And there was another service dog on the plane, so I tried to talk shop.

Cool vest. You know, I didn't see that one on the website

where my human clicked for mine.

That's because you're wearing stolen valor!

He yelled at me that real service dogs

have to go through hours and hours of training,

and it's not just that they're super special good girls

with a perfect baby face.

Please don't handle it well. Please don't handle it well.

- I did not handle it well. - Yes!

We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

If I'm not a service dog,

then who am I, and what's my purpose?

Elsa, as your therapist, that's really not for me to say.

- What about as my friend? - If I were your friend, I'd say...

- If you were my friend? - Oh... no, what I...

okay, what I meant was that when we're in group,

- I can't be your friend... - But outside of group?

This is gonna take a while.

Tchotch, you want that rematch? Let's go!

- Kill each other! - Yeah!

Yeah, um, Elsa, can I get back to you on that?

I just need to see if Tchotchke makes a comeback.

Push her back, Tchotch! She's got no reach!

So, Tabs, can I interest you in a motion-sensor-activated

- floodlight-lit seafood dinner? - Why?

I just thought you might be hungry

- since you're on your own now. - No, I am not on my own.

[cats meowing]

Uh-oh, looks like you're the new Magnolia.

I do not know what this means.

- You will. - Can I call you Magnolia?

- Can I call her Magnolia? - Whatever, it's a cat.

I am back home with Brett and Stelios,

and we are dining on grass-raised tilapia.

So I don't need your help, or anyone's help,

and I never will. I am a survivor.

Thank you very much.

[upbeat music]

Man, I love the beach!

It's like the park, the world's biggest trash can,

and a pool that tastes like pretzels!

Yeah, but the salt air makes my hair too curly,

you always throw up, and it still reminds me

- so much of Big Cookie. - I do always throw up.

Come on and get there already.

Ah!

Chief, are you excited to see Lauren, too?

The beach and Lauren?! Who's Lauren?

She's Jill's best friend. The one who cries all the time.

Oh, so she's like Jill's Big Cookie.

Yes, exactly, except Lauren is still alive.

I know you've been sad since Big Cookie died, Honey.

And I can't replace her.

Aw, thank you, Chief, that's...

- Let me finish. - Oh.

I can't replace her until we get to the beach

and I build a new Big Cookie out of sand!

Aw, let's get there already!

Ow! How does it know?

[rock music]

? ?

Mmm, I can already taste their freezer-to-table fish sticks.

- [caws] - [yelps]

Hey, scram, cat! Those spit-covered clam nuggets are mine!

I'm not afraid of a stinking seagull.

Ooh, well, how about three stinking seagulls?

But I would characterize myself as more horny than stinky.

I'm horny, I'm stinky, and then I'm also kinda hungry.

- So that's me. - Like I'm not horny?

Shut up, we're all horny!

The point is, there's three of us,

and we could kick or eat your ass.

[yelps]

- Lauren! - Jilly-Bean!

- How are you? - Remember the guy I met online

who pretended to be Dan Aykroyd?

He broke up with me!

[crying]

Oh, her! I thought her name was "There, there Lauren."

Female friendship is beautiful. I miss it.

Run free, fur children!

Honey! Honey, over here!

Hey, it's that fussy dog from our couch sometimes!

Hey-hey! Name, name.

- Hi, Elsa. - Elson!

Aw, I'd love to stay and talk, but I've got an ocean to drink.

[laughs]

Oh, new vest?

Yeah, uh, my human calls it my beach vest.

Doubling down on the lie, I guess.

Apparently the only service I'm good for

is making sure she doesn't get sunburned

while she's day-drunk.

Wanna take walkies on the beach?

[laughs]

Ah!

I'm sorry, Elsa.

I need to go lick the sand fleas out of my butt.

- Well, you want help with that or... - No. Thank you.

Yeah, that's cool! Yeah, I...

I need to check on my human anyway, so...

- She might be dead. - No!

- Not dead! - Yo, Elsarita!

I am loving being at the beach with my papa,

picking up babes to crash my mom's boyfriend's

kerosene and meat party.

- Apparently that's a power move. - You're his girl-bait?

It's sad how much I envy your sense of purpose.

I know. I am making my mark on the world!

? ?

Hey, Chico.

Up here, Gray.

What's up?

You wanna come eat some day-old...

Yep, my buddy will take care of this mess.

Thanks, pal.

It would've taken me hours to do that.

Let's roll.

[scarfing]

- Big Cookie? - Huh?

Oh sorry. Oh, I had an Afghan friend,

and you're an Afghan, so I thought maybe...

But, no, she's dead. So you're not her.

- Probably not. I'm Lil' Bunny. - I'm Honey.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, Honeybee.

My human and I are driving the coast, living that ?vanlife.

Two ladies, no rules,

thrice-daily sponsored posts about camping equipment.

Aw, same, same. Yeah, no, I'm cool, too, yeah.

Whoa, you're a natural, curl girl!

I am? Chief, I'm a natural!

[laughing] "Curl girl." What's happening?

What are we playing, and can I play?

Can we?

Hey, gang, we got a new disc diva in the game!

And this dog, with the dad bod.

Yeah, run it back, Honeybee!

Yeah I should warn you, I'm gonna need a perfect throw!

Okay? [heavy breathing]

Yeah, just... one sec, I gotta catch my breath.

[heavy breathing]

- Whoa. Cover me. - Who are we running from?

- No questions. - Copy.

Chief, I think I'm starting to love the beach.

- Now, Daddy? - Ah, not yet.

[laughs] Who lit this for him?

[James Sanderson's "Hail to the Chief"]

? There she is, she's Honey ?

? She's havin' lots o' Frisbee fun ?

? Not a damn thing in her dog brain ?

? But plastic shinin' in the sun ? [both laughing]

Lil' Bunny, I can't remember

if we've been friends for, like, five minutes

- or all our lives, but... - Save it, Honey.

We don't need words. We've got Frisbee.

Yeah. Boy, I wonder where Chief is.

- Who? - You're right. I'm sure he's fine.

Nothing can ruin this day. [laughs]

Who's ready for a hot dog?

[dramatic music]

You're going too fast!

Just keep your eyes on the sky.

- I can cover you from here. - But...

[gasps]

Bye, tiny beach robot!

Whoa, hey, look at the size of those sausages.

Beach, you always deliver.

[grunts]

Can I help you, my flipperless brother?

A talking sausage?

Stop me if this is a personal question,

but how do I eat you?

I'm not a sausage, man. I'm a sea lion.

Uh-huh.

And... and for the purposes of this discussion,

let's just say I don't know what that is.

We are seekers of Zen, man.

Devotees of Mother Sea and Mother Sun.

We take naps, and then we go swimming,

and then we nap some more.

[gasps] Of course. It all makes sense now.

I'm a sea lion!

I'm surprised your beach restaurant is so far from the beach.

We just gotta make a quick stop first.

We need more cats.

What about all the cats at your house?

[all hissing]

They were busy.

Anyway, we're gonna need tough cats,

"weathered by life with nothing to lose" cats.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Proof that cats don't always land on their feet, am I right?

Yikes, that one looks like if Tabitha coughed up a Tabitha.

[gasps]

This was a mistake. Chico, let's just...

Hi, would you say you've hit rock bottom

and have nothing to lose?

Because for some reason, we need some cats like that.

We're going to lunch by the beach.

- Uh... - Uh, forget it.

Why would this stranger cat want to join us?

Right, oh. Where are my manners?

Kevin raised me better than that. I'm Chico.

[Southern accent] And I am Magnolia,

obviously American cat from Nashville, Mississippi!

- Howdy. - Great to meet you, Magnolia.

How'd you get all the way over here from the East Coast?

You know, a submarine.

Chico, let's just go to the fish shack, you and I.

The cats here are just too classy and beautiful.

Magnolia.

- Mmm. Oh, yeah. - [groans]

Turn over! [grunts]

I hate you!

You turned me into a laughingstock.

I'm done wearing this lie.

[grunting]

Little handheld flags.

Hot dogs.

Marching band music.

[dramatic music]

[gasps] Oh, my God. Today is Boomsday!

The booms are coming! The booms are coming!

We're all gonna die! We're all gonna frigging die!

Elsa, take a chill pill! [laughs]

Or in my case, an Acepromazine.

Diablo, you've gotta help me warn everyone.

Whoo, I'm a little lightheaded.

Oh, great, my sidekick's got a sidekick.

[rock music]

Brother Easy, all the signs are there.

- He is the chosen one. - How can we be sure, man?

[farts]

Whoopsie. [laughs]

- Did I fart in my sleep? - Yes, and it was glorious.

Hmm, well, that's a new reaction.

- Hail great gas-blower. - Be cool.

We sea lions have a prophecy of a God-beast

who naps like a stone, devours everything in sight,

and flatulates as unto a great storm!

Be our God, mighty Chief,

and let us serve you forever.

And is this generally the kind of pace you guys keep?

No, no, no, no, no. Dude, on the weekends,

- we really take it easy. - Oh, I am in!

[all barking]

[all snoring]

Well, well, well. Look who's back for a beating.

Did he say eating?

He said "beating." I'll explain after.

- After what? - The beating.

[all cawing]

Remember when Kevin left the TV on loud

crash-y ball for 48 hours?

Push me at them.

- [grunts] - Aw, crap.

Strike, I think.

Damn it, you made more of them. [all cawing]

Aw. [laughs]

[crying]

[both laughing]

I really needed a day like this.

Such a great reminder to stop Fris-doing

and start Fris-beeing.

They can all be days like this.

Join me in the ?vanlife, and we can be best friends forever.

Honey! Honey!

We're all gonna die! It's my greatest nightmare.

Tubular! We'll deal with it in group

unless I run off with my new best friend.

Check it out: slow motion.

[grunts]

Boom-Shakalaka!

Laka laka! Laka laka!

That is pretty impressive. But that's enough!

[grunts]

[both growling]

[whistles]

Oh, my God, fun shorts. It's Boomsday.

That's what we're trying to tell you!

Where's Chief? Where is Chief?

- We haven't seen him! - We have to find him.

That Blockbuster is a chocolate shop now. He could die!

Okay, you guys look that way. I'll find Jill!

Chief, Chief!

[dramatic music]

Fourth of July!

It's the Fourth of July!

How did I miss all this?

Uh, I'm starting to feel less chill.

- Okay, now. - Huh?

No, meds! Stay with me! Stay with me!

Uh-oh.

Jill! Jill!

[whimpering]

Jill, Jill! Chief's missing.

[barking]

There, there, Lauren.

I'm sorry, Honey, Mama's busy.

Why don't you find Chief?

Yeah, that's what I was just telling you!

Oh that's right, I'm a dog.

[heavy breathing] Chief!

We're all gonna die! Chief!

Elsa, my medication is tapering off!

So even though this might be the end of the world,

let's try our best to stay calm!

Wow, those are some monster sausages.

Aw, sausage monster!

It's Boomsday, sausages! Get out now.

Hey, tiny sister, could you cool it with the yelling?

We're trying to pamper our new god here.

What's going on here? It seems freaky and weird.

Oh, I'm a god now. I don't have to do anything.

There's a talking sausage for every need.

Check it out. Feed.

Chew.

Digest.

And complete the cycle.

[burps] Back to one.

- No, Chief, it's Boomsday. - Boomsday?

No, no way. Honey would've warned me.

I mean it's kinda her top priority.

[fireworks explode]

Oh, no. The booms are here. The booms!

[screaming]

God has commanded us to seek shelter

in the kelpy bosom of Mother Sea.

Chief, what are you doing? You're gonna die!

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.

You god needs a little help. Hey, disciples.

Sausages? Tiny beach robot?

[dramatic music]

Chief! Chief!

? ?

Lil' Bunny, I can't find Chief. Help me find him.

I can't. We're heading to Big Sur

to test out the ?Patagonia poochponch.

Come with us.

You'll get your own hashtag-hashtag tag.

Huh, your waters don't run very deep, do they?

- No. - Honey!

- Honey! - Chief, Chief!

Okay, stay there. I'm coming.

[heavy breathing]

[grunting]

Chief!

[triumphant music]

I got you.

Honey, I don't want you to panic, but it's Boomsday.

I know. I know, Chief.

Honey, come on, the booms are getting closer.

Yeah, I'm trying, Chief.

I'm just so Fris-austed.

[all cawing]

I don't know how long this is gonna hold them.

I'm sorry, Chico. I guess the hunger of two cats

doesn't amount to a hill of fish-beans

- in this crazy world. - You mean three cats.

- Magnolia, you came! - Not Magnolia.

Tabitha.

Come on, The Gray One, they're two totally different cats.

Hi, Fancy Feast. You looking for a real man?

No. I'm looking for a mangy trash cat

who knows how to keep a secret.

Seems like you two could use a little help.

[dramatic music]

Tabitha, this is no time for grooming.

I'm not grooming. I'm making ammunition.

[coughing]

? ?

[gulps]

You're gonna have to do better than that.

I am disgusting.

Look, Honey and Chief are in danger.

[fireworks exploding] The booms are here!

Oh, panic overload! Brain shutting down.

Come on, Elsa, can you be more than a dog

who just tells other dogs they're gonna die?

Maybe we don't need pharmaceuticals

or vests to be brave.

Maybe bravery comes from within. Mwah.

Thank you, modesty pixel. Time to shine.

[Jimi Jamison's "I'm Always Here"]

? ?

Wow, I am an amazing swimmer.

- Hold on, I'm coming to save you! - Elson, my friend!

Yes, it's me coming to your rescue.

Remember every detail.

I'm doing it! I'm saving them.

And I'm going really fast.

? ?

Ooh, Elsa, you may be a fake service dog,

but you're a real hero.

I guess it doesn't hurt to have a bestie with a vestie.

- Did I ruin the moment? - Not completely.

Elson, I will never forget your...

[heaving]

[upbeat music]

So much seawater.

[heaving]

[sighs] I'm sorry I got caught up in that Fris-life

just 'cause Lil' Bunny looked like Big Cookie

and I might be a once in a generation talent.

Aw. That's okay. If you hadn't done that,

I wouldn't have been able to play God

- to those easygoing sausages. - Huh?

[all cawing] [hissing]

[grunts]

Uh, I'm sorry I invited you here, Tabs.

I'm sorry I came.

It's the booms! Let's get out of here.

Make a break for it!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Those dirty birds have stopped crapping on our fish.

I wish Magnolia was here to taste these crab cakes.

[warm music]

? ?

Boomsday is actually not that scary

when you're with your friends.

I'm just happy I'm back down to four legs again.

Chief, stay.

[moans]

I used to be a god.

And so it came to pass that Brother Easy took issue

with the Sea Lion Elder for the slipshod nature

of the Elder's sacred prophecies.

"Just this month, we've worshipped a dead whale,

a floating outhouse, and a dog too fat to swim."

And so instead of apologizing,

the Sea Lion Elder did proclaim a holy crusade

against Brother Easy. And thus did Brother Easy say,

"Wow, man, that sounds like a ton of work."

And The Elder Sea Lion did reply, "Tell me about it."

Naptime?

[snoring]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0