Original subtitles

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ZOEY: Growing up, I'd always wondered

what fate would have in store for me.

Who would I be?

Would I change the world?

Would I ever successfully pull off horizontal stripes?

And while fate hadn't revealed

the answers to all my questions,

it had revealed the answer to one,

and it was a biggie.

Because on that fateful night in Mexico,

I said "yes" to becoming Mrs. Zoey Johnson-Jackson.

Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

? Serve it on a platter ?

After three long years of ups and downs with Aaron,

fate had finally brought us together

on a moonlit beach in Mexico

to celebrate our spontaneous quickie wedding.

And just when I was starting to think

I had fate fully in my corner...

- [Siren whoops] - OFFICER: On your feet!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, snap.

Um, uh...

?

- OFFICER 2: All right. - I learned that fate

was a sometimes-y ass bitch.

?

? Watch out, world, I'm grown now ?

? I'm grown ?

? Learn something new every day ?

? I don't know, so I'ma feel my way ?

? Got the weight of the world on me ?

? But no regrets, this is what I say ?

? Watch out, world, I'm grown now ?

- ? I'm grown ? - ? You can tell me ?

? My heart beating so loud ?

? Mama, look, I'm grown now ?

? I'm grown ?

?

Arrested? I am so... humiliated.

This is so humiliating, right?

Yeah, yeah, no. It's definitely, uh,

not a moment of excellence.

I mean, how did this even happen?

Aaron, what are the chances?

Well, I think the chances are pretty good

if you steal a giant pi�ata in the middle of a resort town.

But look, let's not make this a big deal.

It's Mexico. The cops are just trying to scare us.

It's like that show "Scared Straight," but in Spanish.

I feel like all they want is some money, maybe,

and then...

all this will be behind us.

- You think so? - Yes.

- OFFICER: Vamos. - Okay. Hi.

You ain't gotta push me, man.

Listen, I spent all my money at the chapel.

- How much you got? - I got... nothing.

I've got nothing, Aaron. What are we going to do?

'Cause I'm gonna die in jail.

You are a year older than me. You have lived.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you what we're not gonna do, and that's freak out,

- because when you freak out, I freak out. - Okay.

So, what we're gonna do is, we're gonna hit Doug.

He's gonna come to the station with some cash.

And then we'll be free to go.

Yeah, we just gotta hang tight. Phone.

Okay, got it. I got it.

- You can just... - [Laughs] One sec.

- [Laughs] The wife. - [Laughs]

Happy wife, happy life, am I right?

- [Line rings] - I don't think he understood me.

[Band playing lively mariachi music]

?

- [Cellphone vibrates] - The secret to tres leches

is that sneaky-ass third level of milk

really makes it hit.

Bro, enough about your little soggy dessert.

Can we get out of here?

I-I don't enjoy partying with 15-year-olds.

We're partying with Lisette-Maria and Camilla.

I linked up with two local baddies.

They don't speak any English,

I don't speak any Spanish, and you speak both.

I mean, those are literally grown-ass women.

- Are we not having a good time? - No, we're not.

Bro, look.

This just isn't what I expected, man.

I just thought we was coming to the party,

I would help you translate a little Espa�ol,

and then, you know, we Ciudad Aplastar!

Expectations is joy's sworn enemy.

- Bro. - Listen, you're not having a good time

because you can't appreciate the gift

that's right in front of you.

?

?

[Cellphone vibrates]

Honestly, the only thing crazier

than you hacking and smashing Javi's tablet

is you taking a flight out of Mexico

in the middle of the night.

Actually, the smashing shows a fiery temper,

which means crazy in the sack.

- Mm. - So I take that back.

[Sighs] Hi, guys.

Um, sorry to interrupt.

Ana...

can I talk to you for a minute?

Now's not a good time, bro.

[Sighs]

Ana.

VIVEK: Come on.

Really?

Oh, God.

So, you're gonna fly standby back to L.A.

while Javi goes

to an all-you can eat chilaquiles bar with Vivek?

Is that... That's what's happening?

Okay, I guess I didn't think things all the way through.

I was mad, and I didn't want to be around him.

I had to take some sort of stand.

Yeah, your stand should have been

making him go back to L.A., okay?

He's the one who gave you an STD.

- Oof. - No, well...

Technically, he doesn't have it.

But he could have given it to me,

had he contracted it.

Which he didn't.

Okay, I'm sorry, what?

So you took us on this whole song and dance

when you knew that Javi didn't even have anything?

I know we did not just waste a solid 13 minutes

- on this nonsense. - Okay, wait.

So no one here thinks that he was wrong for not telling me?

I just don't know if I care anymore, so...

Okay, listen. I don't understand

why people say they want full disclosure

in a relationship when they obviously don't.

Now I see why Javi kept his mouth shut.

And, shit, I should have kept my mouth shut with Doug.

Well, I kept my mouth shut with Phil,

and it didn't work out great for me, so...

I mean, what is his problem?

Why can't he just be honest with me?

Girl, I don't know, but it sounds like trust

is the real chlamydia in this relationship,

and it needs to get treated.

?

[Indistinct chatter]

[Telephone rings]

Oh, my God.

This shit is getting real.

Aaron, I'm starting to sweat behind my knees,

and I think I'm having my first

international panic attack.

- [Breathing heavily] - Honey, it's okay, all right?

Look, there's nothing to worry about.

L-Look, they're handcuffed. We're not handcuffed.

If we were in trouble, you think they'd let us wander around uncuffed?

- No. Okay. - No, you're right.

I'm okay. [Laughs weakly]

Okay, now, I'm gonna go talk to our man up here, uh,

and get this whole thing sorted out.

We're gonna get back to the villa, where we should be.

This may just be like a little Venmo situation.

Watch me work.

Excuse me, Se�or-o?

Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, I know you probably think that I am

an obnoxious American tourist here to exploit your country

and rape your land for its resources.

That's not the case at all,

because I'm not even American.

- I'm African-American. - Oh, God.

Anyways, uh, listen... I don't want to waste your precious time.

I know you're a busy man, so I'm gonna get straight to it.

What is it gonna take

to get me and my beautiful bride out of here?

[Ding!]

Now, I don't have any money on me right now, per se,

but I do have some money

back at the villa we're staying at,

and this just came to me...

we should go get it together... if you want.

Because I'm saying, the place is very cool.

We have, um, a lot of cute chicks.

Uh... I mean, are they crazy?

Sure, but cute nonetheless,

and I'm willing to make that happen for you.

I'm talking about carnitas, uh...

uh, shredded pork, um, hot sauce,

el swimming pool, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You don't even need swim trunks.

I got the swim trunks. What size you wear?

Extra large?

Nah, you're a large.

Slim, but fit.

Whatever you're into.

If you can just write your sizes down,

that'll work out.

[Ding!]

[Whispering] I don't know.

[Camera shutter clicks]

?

So, I guess it wasn't just a little Venmo situation, huh?

I don't know what you're complaining about.

You're not the one handcuffed to a chair.

Well, I'm also not the one who... hmm, I don't know...

solicited a guard.

Oh, well, I'm... I'm... I'm sorry, okay?

That I offered a man some swimming trunks

so he could cool off from a long day of jail work.

You know what? We're not gonna throw the blame anywhere.

It's no one's fault that we're here.

- Mm. - But to be clear,

there is one infraction that put us here,

and that is you stealing the pi�ata.

Mm. Well, they wouldn't have found us

if we didn't have to linger on the beach

due to your delayed performance.

My d...

You watch your mouth.

It's called a penile pause.

All right? And it was intentional.

- Oh, is that right? - Yeah. Yeah, that is right.

And you know what? Maybe I was a little tired

because I had to cater to your every need.

Oh, got you. So it's my fault?

I'm just saying, you were walking around sulking all day

because nobody wanted to do the activities you wanted to do.

I would have been fine chilling at the villa,

laying back, incessantly having sex.

- Of course you would. - Know what I mean?

Because that's all you ever want to do,

which is exactly how we ended up on the stupid beach.

So, the beach sex was my idea?

You literally said, "I have an idea.

Let's go have beach sex."

Which is why we got arrested.

I don't remember that.

Okay, and we got arrested because you stole a pi�ata,

which led them to us on the beach.

All that other stuff... the theft,

the ridiculous marriage... that's your fault, Zoey.

Okay, fine.

You know, I'll take all the responsibility

for the many mistakes I made tonight,

the biggest one being that I am now legally bound

to a horn-dog with a rattail named Avery.

Yeah, it's hard being married to you, too, Zoey.

Because of your personality.

[Telephone rings]

[Radio chirps]

Can I please get some water?

It's hot!

?

Looks like, uh, you guys

are really vibing over here, huh?

I actually have no idea what she's saying,

but it sounds fire.

?

[Speaking Spanish]

[Chuckles]

Bro, she said we 'bout to go el bang-a en el ba�o.

What?

Watch my cake. I'm going to work, my boy.

Mm-hmm.

?

Whatever that means. [Sighs]

?

[Telephone rings]

You want to know what's stupid?

That we waited this long.

You know, to be together.

[Sighs] It was never the right timing.

You were... You were either with Luca,

or you were... you were on tour with Joey Bada$$.

I was either with Rochelle or saving the university.

And then, finally, after three years,

we're... we're actually together,

and within two weeks

and an amazing first date, we...

decide to get married.

[Indistinct chatter]

It's insanity.

It's...

What's wrong with us?

[Radio chatter]

Okay, yeah, s-sure.

Getting married on our first date

was a dumb, drunk, impulsive thing to do,

but isn't the real issue right now that we're in jail?

Yeah, but we're only in here

because every time we're together,

we don't act like ourselves.

It's like we become these two spontaneous idiots

that... that... that neither of us

can pull the other back from.

But, Aaron, that's not true.

Yes. Yes, it is, Zoey.

Uh, think about it.

Y-You stole a pi�ata the size of a Kia,

a-and I kind of just sat back and let it happen.

Just like I let this dumb-ass wedding happen.

And that's why we're here

and I'm cuffed to this dumb-ass chair.

Well, maybe we're cursed...

because of how we started this relationship

in the first place.

You know, the whole Rochelle thing was super messy,

so maybe this is just karma.

Karma, bad juju, curse... whatever you want to call it,

it's just...

At the end of the day, it's obvious

that we bring out the worst in each other.

?

Wow. Um...

?

Well, maybe instead of cursed, we're lucky,

because at least now we know how we feel

about each other two weeks in.

?

So...

[Radio chatter]

[Lively mariachi music plays over speakers]

She's mad at me.

She hacked my tablet, then smashed it.

I mean, half my thesis was on that thing.

Chlamydia's not even that crazy, right?

[Stammers, sighs] Look, man.

I always try to ride for dicks...

as in "dicks over chicks"... but I can't.

I'm sorry.

For sure, bro.

You don't need to apologize.

What I'm trying to say is,

I learned that lying to someone you care about

never pays off.

I did the same thing when I lied to Heidi

about my drug dealing.

It was the worst mistake of my life.

Really? Not the actual drug-dealing?

Are you kidding me?

There's nothing like dealing a fistful of Captain Cody

to a trembling Latin professor.

But, no, it was the lying.

So be grateful you still have your chick.

I just have my D.

And a broken heart.

?

[Sighs]

Thanks, bud.

?

GUARD: Hey, shredded pork.

Let's go.

- You're being released. - About time.

Thank you, Se�or-o. Appreciate you.

All right, Zoey, come on. We're out of here.

- Let's go. - No.

- Excu... - You're out of here.

She stays.

What are you talking about? I'm not leaving without her.

- Let's go. Come on. - No, Aaron, it's...

- You can both stay. Fine. - No, we're... honestly.

Aaron, all they wanted was one person

to admit they were guilty

of stealing the pi�ata, so I did.

This was on me. Just let me own up.

Why... Why... Why would you do something like that?

- Why the hell would you do something like that? - Aaron, I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God. Hey... - Hey, why... Hey!

- Hey! - Hey, watch the way you touch her, bro!

- Over a pi�ata? Are you guys kidding me? - Hold on.

- V�monos! - Hey, move. Move.

Get off me! Zoey!

Get off me! Zoey! Zoey!

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Indistinct chatter, door slams]

- [Telephone rings] - Yo, come on, my man.

Is this really necessary?

You're m... You're really making her

spend the night in there over a pi�ata?

If this is about money, I can go to an ATM right now.

I told you. It's too late.

Just come back in the morning for her.

No, no. [Bleep] that!

- I'm not going anywhere. - That's fine.

I'd be happy to arrest you for harassing an officer

and throw you in there, too.

?

[Scoffs]

[Sighs]

? All I had was you ?

?

? All I had was you ?

?

? All I had was you ?

?

? All I had was you ?

ANA: I just don't get it. Why?

Why is it so difficult

for you to communicate honestly with me?

Because you know that your reactions

can be a little...

[Sighs]

A lot. [Scoffs]

[Scoffs]

My reactions are perfectly calibrated.

First, when we're about to have sex,

you tell me we won't be having sex.

And now...

now I'm dealing with this STD mess.

I mean, it... it... it's obvious

you have a difficult time sharing information.

No, it's obvious that you have trust issues,

and I trigger those.

Well, I don't know how to fix that overnight.

Definitely not gonna fix it

while we're on vacation with your friends.

Nope.

I think I should go.

You enjoy your weekend,

and we can talk when you get back to L.A.

I think that sounds like a good idea.

[Scoffs lightly]

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

?

[Door opens, slams]

?

After surviving a night in jail,

it seemed fate had answered a few more questions...

like, "Would I ever serve time in jail?"

Turns out the answer was yes.

Would it be the most terrifying night of my life?

That answer was also yes.

[Birds chirping]

Um...

Hey.

- I cannot believe you slept here. - [Inhales deeply]

Yeah, I wasn't about to let you spend

the night in there by yourself.

[Chuckles]

?

When I saw Aaron that morning, I had one more question...

would I do it all over again and spend a night in jail

if it meant Aaron would be released?

Surprisingly, the answer was another yes.

?

So, why'd you do it?

Why did you take the blame?

Because last night when I was down and out

and such a mess, you rallied

and gave me one of the most amazing nights of my life.

I just knew it was my turn to finally rally for you.

[Huffs]

And I'm really sorry for everything.

No, you have nothing to apologize about.

It's... Last night was rough,

and we both said things we didn't mean.

Yeah, and there was a grain of truth

to some of what we said... like, um,

maybe us getting married

not being the brightest decision we've ever made?

[Slowly] Yep.

[Normal] You think maybe we should undo it?

I don't know.

Do you think we should?

Would it be awful if I didn't want to?

No, it'd be a little romantic.

But completely insane.

- Completely. - [Laughs]

[Laughs] Okay, then, how about we agree

that last night was the craziest,

most impulsively amazing night of our lives

and that that night should stay right here in Mexico?

I got to be honest. There's...

There's something extremely sexy

about being able to call you my ex-wife

and my girlfriend.

[Laughs] Well, then.

- Aaron Jackson. - Yes?

Will you divorce me?

I'd be happy to.

[Laughs]

I love you.

I love you too, Freshman.

Yeah?

So let's go get unmarried!

- Let's do it. After you. - Okay.

Somewhere between the Mexican beach,

the Mexican jail, and the Mexican chapel,

we learned that without a marriage application

and a blood test,

our short-lived union wasn't so legal after all.

But we also learned that taking control of our destiny

when fate wasn't on our side

was how we were gonna stay together

and continue to try and bring out

the best in each other.

? Chemical ?

? Yuh, it's so good, baby, yuh, yuh, it's so good, baby ?

? Life's so good ?

- [Laughter] - ? It's so good, baby, yuh, yuh ?

- Oh, my gosh. - Good morning.

Guys, hi. You're finally back.

- Where were you last night? - I mean, you know...

nowhere crazy.

Yeah, we just had a little Mexican date night.

- ? When the chain go ? - ? The chain go! ?

This looks so fancy.

? I'm a star, I'm a star like Michael ?

- ? Wanna be a big man ? - All right so, listen, Zoey.

We were all talking this morning

about how ugly last night got,

and we are all sorry.

Yeah, so, for the rest of the trip,

we have all committed that everyone will be

doing each other, just like you wanted.

- [Laughs] - Really?

[Speaking Spanish]

Ching�n to senior year!

- Okay. Senior year! - Hey!

? Sippin' bottles and the way you lookin' so good ?

What? You speak Spanish?

So I didn't have to translate you last night?

Of course not. Your Spanish is terrible.

I just saw you were in your feelings yesterday,

and I knew you needed to win, so...

Okay, can I just say I love you all,

and this is so sweet?

This is gonna be the best year ever.

- Cheers. - LUCA: Cheers.

- Big cheers. - Big cheers!

- Senior year. - Senior year.

You know that weird virus

that's been ravaging Asia and Europe?

- Yeah? - It's in the U.S. now.

- Yikes. - We'll probably be fine.

- I'm not worried about it. - We're fine.

- Cheers! - Cheers.

- Big cheers. - To senior year!

Ahh!!

Cheers!

Whoo!