All language subtitles for Gossip.Girl.2021.S01E04.Fire.Walks.With.Z.WEBRip.x264 - 5642 - m

"BONAFIDE"
BY EMOTIONAL ORANGES PLAYING...

*GOSSIP GIRL (2021)*
Season 01 Episode 04

Good morning, followers.

Gossip Girl here.

Or should I say "still here"?

You thought I was a person,

but I never said I was.

I'm... a revolution.

And today's act of rebellion?

We know it isn't nice
to reveal a lady's age,

but secret sources tell us
Zoya Lott is 15 today.

Happy Birthday, Z!

May you deserve
whatever you get.

In New York,
there are only two ways

to celebrate a birthday.

You either go big,
or you don't exist.

But not to fear.

If you're leaving a voicemail...

...you obviously
do not know me.

Something tells us...

...this Z-Day will live in infamy.

Because if it doesn't,
then y'all ain't doing it right.

Suit up, sweeties...

and let's see who'll be
the last manqué standing.

♪ We all need something
A little breakthrough ♪

♪ I won't let you down, no ♪

♪ I don't wanna leave you ♪

♪ No matter what comes our way ♪

♪ We gon' make do
When the river runs dry ♪

Ever wake up in the morning

and feel like
something needs to change?

It can be pretty exhausting,
looking in the mirror each day

and promising yourself,

“Today I'm gonna look
the best I've ever looked.”

What if who I am when I wake up
is me at my best?

Starting here, starting now,
I'm going clean.

Free. Effortlessly me.

I encourage you to try the same.

God! "Effortlessly me"?
What is this?

The new girl's Pantene ad?

Au naturel
is stage four terminal.

I almost can't look.

You can needlepoint her pores!

- Oh, Jesus.
- Is everything ready for today?

Not a moment too soon.

As soon as Jules is back on top,
we'll be too.

♪

Gotta say,
it's nice to see you in the daytime.

And I gotta say,
it's nice to see...

...where you really live.

- Are we expecting guests?
- Good morning, Julie!

- Good Morning, Lola.
- I saw your story.

Filter-free is a new look
on you, and I like it.

I have this great
nude foundation from Dior.

No one would ever know
you were wearing,

if you wanted to go that route.

Thanks, but I think
that kind of contradicts

the whole "transparency" thing.

Right, right.

I can't believe they send you
all this free stuff.

I hope you don't mind. I
deep-dived your Insta last night.

- Did you?
- Well, I was so curious

how you got so famous.

I'm trying to do the same thing
with my music, and...

Anyway,

I totally forgot
you were the kid

who interviewed
all those rock stars.

You were so cute!

I've gotta go. Um.
Wish I wasn't meeting my friends

- at Locanda Verde before school.
- Oh, no!

- Your dad didn't say.
- Well, who can keep track?

I'll take one for the road.

Is this pumpkin?

Seasonally appropriate.

Hey.

Is this okay?
If it's too weird, I can...

Go back to hiding her
in your secret apartment

like Josef Fritzl?

- Point taken.
- We promised we'd try honesty.

She clearly makes you happy.

Hey, I'm thinking of you today.

I'm thinking of you too.

Hey, Z,
I can't find my briefcase.

Can you check the table?

Hold up, okay?

I know the rule.

We don't celebrate
until tomorrow.

But that doesn't mean we
have to completely ignore...

That's exactly what it means!

Today is her day. Not mine.

Well, this is yours.
Sadelle's, your favorite.

Had to wait in line
and everything, like a tourist.

Something tells me
you didn't make a wish.

Well, how's this?

I wish that today would go
completely unnoticed,

so that I didn't have to,
yet again, be the girl

whose immunocompromised mom
died having her.

♪ But Gossip Girl already ruined that.

How sweet. People wanna
wish you a happy birthday.

There are bigger
things going on in the world.

Like, repost
some Sonya Renee Taylor

instead of sending me
birthday memes?

I don't even know Angelicah84,
or whatever a "Minka Kelly" is.

- She's...
- Look, there's only one person

to blame for this. Julien.

I'm sure your sister
didn't send your birthday

in to Gossip Girl.
Besides, people know. Big deal.

It had to be Julien.

Who else would know
it was my birthday?

Let me guess.
That's something bad too?

Bad stuff always happens
on my birthday.

Remember that sleepover,

when Bella didn't know
that she had bed bugs?

This is just
a reminder to sign up

for trick-or-treaters
on Halloween.

Today is a good day.
This day brought me you.

Best thing
that ever happened to me.

Too bad it took
the worst thing to do it.

Z...

Here's hoping for no surprises,
no celebrations,

just a normal day.

- Shit, dude. Overkill much?
- It's her birthday.

The only thing
she should be thinking about

is whether she wants to start
her day with a croissant

or a crepe.

Wish all problems
were that easily solved.

You and Audrey?

She still doesn't know
who the girl is, right?

Kinda just been
avoiding each other recently.

Well, I hope
that you're not feeling guilty,

'cause the only thing you did
is kiss some rando girl,

and she, like, fucked someone

that you know, so that's
not equitable at all.

Well, I was just wondering if...

it's the first time
she branched out.

Well, have you talked to her?
Have you been direct?

This is like a role reversal.
I'm giving you advice again.

- Second time for everything.
- I'm just saying,

you're not gonna know
until you ask her. I'd just say

don't kiss anybody
else until you talk to her.

Yes.

Seriously? Not even concealer?

I hate you
for being so blessed.

Sending a posthumous thank you

to your mom on this day
of remembrance.

Thank you, Aud.
You can talk about you now.

Okay, so, I know
that we agreed to pretend

our mutual dalliances
with Max never happened,

but I fear
it's irrevocably shifted

the dynamic between Ak and me.

Really? Sleeping with one
of your mutual,

best friends did that?

Fair, but for me,
it isn't about Max.

Well, it is,
but not in that way.

I slept with someone
of the opposite sex,

which is unacceptable
but not abnormal.

Aki kissed a member
of the same sex.

Not normal at all.

Is it possible
that he's attracted to men...

Obviously
he's attracted to men, Julien!

...and never told you

because you use words
like "normal."

Fair again. But, like,
is he bi? Is he gay?

I mean, what if all this time
that we've been together,

he's been hiding
who he really is?

Hiding inside me?

Just ask him. If he's gay,
or bi, whatever it is,

he's probably scared
of how you'll react.

Just talk to him
without judgment

and listen to his response.

And maybe stay far away
from Max till you do.

Are those crepes?

Good morning, babe.

- Um. We love you.
- But we are appalled.

Because he never did something
like this for me?

No. Because no one wants
to see anyone without a filter.

People do not click to see
how similar you are to them.

They click precisely
for the perverse pleasure

that comes
from worshipping someone

they could never be or have.

I need a break from all that.

- Hmm?
- I wanna be more real,

- more honest, more vulnerable.
- Vulnerability is the disease of the masses.

Right? You're royalty. Strong,
indestructible, unattainable.

Oh, I'm definitely that.

JC, some news.

A friend of mine at Condé says

he heard
they're going to offer you

a slot in one
of the spring Vogues,

shot by Tyler Mitchell

in a Bavarian palace
or something.

- Yeah, let's grab something.
- I'm gonna get a crepe.

Film me eating it?

- Did she just turn down Vogue?
- There was no Vogue.

I just wanted to see
how far gone she really was.

I can almost forgive carbs
and a shiny forehead,

but indifference
to a fashion spread?

Okay, well, what do we...
what do we do now?

All those years of work
for nothing,

when it could have been Suri?
It could have been Zahara.

I... I can't end up working
with my mom in biotech.

- I just can't.
- Don't worry.

The first missile's already
been launched.

It may even have hit already.
And then we'll be on our way.

Surprise!

I didn't know what mood
you would be in,

so I got
a lot of stuff going on.

We got waffles,
we got tacos, we got crepes.

- Happy birthday!
- This... this is really sweet.

Uh. Really, it's... it's just,

I don't...
I don't celebrate my birthday.

Or at least not today.

Is that, like, a...
religious thing?

I mean, I just realized
I never asked you.

Oh, It's... it's not something
that I usually volunteer,

but today
is not just my birthday.

It's also
the anniversary of, um...

- Of course.
- It's just... just a weird day for me.

Yeah, I'll just get all this

- cleared out right now.
- No.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Hey, happy birthday... - Did you
tell Gossip Girl today's my birthday?

Why would I tell
Gossip Girl anything?

I just wanted to tell you
happy birthday.

Today is not
a happy day, Julien.

- Are you trying to fuck with me?
- What?

No. Of course not.

Sure.

They're like pinballs this morning.

- Clack, ding. Clack, ding.
- Pinballs I keep draining.

You seem like
you could use an Ambien.

Or an eight-ball.

This has become a full-time job.

Between the tips from the new
schools... - That Horace Mann!

- They're still at it.
- And everyone here,

constantly sending me stuff
on each other.

Is that why you asked me
if second cousins was incest?

It isn't. I hope.

The only time I get to work
on my lesson plans

or grade papers
is after they go to bed.

Which is never.
And the worst thing

is that something great
just fell into my lap.

Something just for me.

A friend of mine
from The Writers' Workshop

is an editor
at The Paris Review,

and they're doing an issue
on undiscovered writers

and she wants me to submit.
But I... How? When?

Why don't you let us help out,
take our share of the burden?

We're all in this together,

yet you never let us
take the wheel.

Today is Zoya's birthday!

I mean, something is
gonna happen, I can feel it.

She and Julien are fine.
I mean, not friends, but fine.

Besides, who would
cause drama on a birthday?

And this was supposed to be
our thing too. Remember?

Maybe if you let us help more,
it'll lessen your stress?

What's more important?

Crafting posts
on privileged brats,

or getting published
in The Paris Review?

That was a trick question.
You know that, right?

You'll let me know
if anything changes?

You have our word.

- Hey, Z, got a sec?
- Um...

I don't want to be the one
to ruin your day,

but in light of the fact

that I'm your closest
Constance confidante...

You definitely are not that.

Julien doesn't want you here.

She told us she's had enough

of your "consistent,
disrespectful displays

- for attention."
- I had nothing to do

- with the food trucks.
- All I'm saying,

she might seem fine,
but she wants things

back the way they used to be.

- Which means you gone.
- I doubt that's true, Luna.

She's done something.

Something
I'm somewhat responsible for.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, okay?

I didn't know she would use it.

Use what?

- Sorry.
- Oh, hey!

I was just looking
for you, actually.

Me too!

- Who are you texting?
- Uh, my mom.

Oh.

- Who are you calling?
- If you're leaving...

My mom.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- Ms. Keller.
- Mr. Caparros?

You haven't received any tips
on Max Wolfe

the past few days, have you?

Relax.

If I was gonna out
your pet project,

I would've done it
when Black Cube was here.

Just the usual girls and boys
complaining that he's gone

from breadcrumbing
to outright ghosting. Why?

He, um, owes me an essay,

and he hasn't shown up
to class in a week.

Let me know if you
hear anything?

We will.

Hey, look,
I... I really am sorry.

I should've known better.

You don't have to apologize.

I mean, to be honest, I prefer
to keep my birthday low-key.

But I still wanna celebrate you.

Maybe do a little get-together,
handful of our friends,

some food, music.

Your idea of a low-key solution
is a party?

Right, okay,
we can scratch that.

Um. How about just dinner?

Me, you, your dad.
I'll pretend I know how to cook,

and you guys
can watch and laugh.

- That sounds very acceptable.
- Call your dad and ask?

Everything okay, Z?
And if so, can I call you back?

Can't really talk right now.

Dad, what's going on?
Where are you?

Nothing. It's just,
like, a client thing.

I can tell when you're lying.

Look, I really didn't want
to tell you this today, honey,

but someone called in
an anonymous tip

to the housing board,
saying we're

living in Grandma's apartment
without her present.

Boom! Direct hit.

Let World War Z commence.

- Start composing.
- I'm already on my third line.

If you post
Monet's tip and Kate sees it,

- she'll take GG back.
- She's not gonna see it.

Not yet, at least.
Buys us and her some time.

Okay, so...
"This just in..."

- Say spotted, say spotted!
- I didn't spot it.

Hey, followers.

We all know
there's no such thing

- as a civil war.
- Hmm. That's good.

- I'm out.
- Here, let me.

Spies tell us a certain someone

has drawn her own
Mason-Dixon line...

...with herself on one side

and her sister on the other.

But everyone knows
a divide isn't enough.

You have to conquer as well.

Whoo!

Thank you.

And there's a cannon

pointed in only one direction.

- Ciao!
- What's in it?

You'll find out
when you hear the sirens.

Take cover, my pretties.
The glitzkrieg is coming!

I'm so turned on right now

GG says Zoya's planning
an attack on me.

But why?

What could she possibly have
to use against me?

And what've I ever done
that's so terrible?

You were in the "Imagine" video.

And what's this thing
about drawing a line?

She actually thinks
I'm trying to get her evicted?

I've only been nice
to Zoya on her day.

Wished her happy birthday,
acted totally fine

when my ex-boyfriend
filled Fifth Avenue

with food trucks for her.

This attack
is totally unwarranted.

Thing is, it doesn't matter
what you did or didn't do.

She's clearly been waiting
to take you down.

She must've found something
to do it with.

Come on. We've been civil.

Things have been fine
between us.

Really? Or did you
just roll over

and accept
her stealing your man,

your thunder, and your throne?
Julien, there can only be one.

I mean, how many times
did that Mary person threaten

to kill Queen Elizabeth before
she actually cut her head off?

It's time for a show of force.

You want me to murder my sister?

Only socially.
Which is much worse.

- You're going to throw a party.
- When?

Tonight.

On Zoya's birthday?

JC, you've been lucky.

You've never had
to be on defense,

because no one's ever stood
in your way.

But that changed the moment
that you brought her here.

She started taking
what was yours day one,

and she's not going to stop
till she has it all.

Send her back. It's time.

How does throwing a party
stop her from using

- whatever she has on me?
- Julien, if your party is loud enough,

no one's gonna even hear
the sound

of the bomb
she's trying to explode.

Now, call your dad. You're
gonna ask him for a favor.

A big one.

- Hey!
- Did you see this?

Yeah, it's ridiculous.
I'm... I'm sorry.

She's trying to get us evicted,

and now she's throwing a party.

I can't believe she'd stoop
so low to hurt me.

Well, let's not let her,
all right?

How about a phone-free lunch?

And did you see
the follow-up post?

“Special guest to be announced”?

Who's the special guest, the
exhumed corpse of our mother?

Jesus, Zoya.

I take... I take it back.

- Good.
- Let's have that party.

A big one.

- You don't really mean that. I...
- Yes, I do.

The only reason
I didn't want to before

was out of respect to our mom.

So, if she doesn't care
about that, why should I?

Hey, where should we have it?

- Radio City? Governors Island?
- Zoya!

We could have people
to your house.

I'll figure something out,

I guess.

Hey, Aki,

Obie's throwing me
a party tonight.

- You should come.
- He can't.

He's going
to Julien's party with me.

I can go to both.

No, you cannot go to both.
You have to choose one.

So, which party is it gonna be?

Obie's party or the girls party?

I don't have to choose.
Maybe you should choose.

Coming somewhere with me,

or going somewhere
with someone else.

I'm so funny.

Oh, my God.

What just happened?

Oh, Princess Nokia
is playing Julien's party.

You can watch it
on YouTube tomorrow.

I guess you can too.

She got Princess Nokia?

How am I supposed
to compete with that?

- You don't... you don't have to.
- Easy for you to say.

Someone like you
can afford a war. I can't.

Who can we get
to play our party?

Uh, Rihanna?

SZA? Kamala Harris?

I'm gonna see you
after school, all right?

- Hello?
- Forgive me for eavesdropping.

Sounds like
you've got a problem.

I'm a great problem solver.

Um, no thank you,
strange child.

I'm Milo, and I'm not a child.
I'm in eighth grade.

- Aren't you, like, seven?
- Ten.

Meet me after school?

Ew, no!

Clearly you don't know who I am.
My last name is Sparks.

Really Ivanov,
but in this day and age,

- it's best to leave that out.
- Yeah, I don't know who you are,

but I would like to end
this conversation.

Google is your friend.

Once you use it,
I will be too.

- Max, you shouldn't be in here.
- Why not?

It's the school gym...

...and I go to the school.

Wow. You look like shit.

Oh, you should see
the other guys.

You know,
I tried to reach you all week.

I'm sure your friends did too.

Oh, I lost my phone at The Cock.

Just slid out of my hand
in the dark room and, uh...

You're not okay, are you?

That depends on where
the baseline starts.

All this is 'cause
of what happened

- with your dads?
- What happened with my dads?

You need to lay off the drugs
and deal with your shit.

Why don't we deal
with it together?

Oh, I am so overdressed
for this occasion.

Oh, okay,
that's how you like it?

- That makes sense.
- Max, stop!

Stop screwing around
and just fuck me already!

I know you want to.

If you don't,
I'll just tell everyone

- you did anyway.
- Are you threatening me?

I don't know.

Tell you what. Let's ask
Gossip Girl what she thinks.

Shit. I don't have my phone!

- Go fuck yourself, Max, okay?
- Get off me.

Heard through the grapevine
that today's your birthday.

- You... you read Gossip Girl?
- Guilty as charged.

You don't seem
too happy about it.

No, it's just been a long day
and it's only 3:00.

Do you wanna talk about it?

It's just my sister.

You know, since I got here,
it's been this unending battle.

But I thought things
were getting better?

I guess you haven't been
on Instagram.

My phone died. May I?

As you can see,
no more cold war.

It's a full-on offensive.

And...

...there's nothing
I can really do to fight back,

'cause I'm outmanned.

It doesn't matter
how big your battalion is.

It's what you do with it
that counts.

The sad thing about this world

is that people like us

have to constantly prove
we belong.

Honestly, I think
it could be really helpful

for the 99 percent of the world
to see you stand your ground.

Thank you, Kate.
I'm really glad I know you.

You blocked me!

How many pages
of your story have you written?

You said nothing
would happen today.

That nobody causes drama
on someone's birthday.

- Have you watched Bravo?
- When you send me your story,

I'll unblock you.
And not a minute sooner.

I'm doing you a favor.

My mom taught me early on

that it isn't enough
to go to war.

Wars never end.

What you need is a coup.

- Here you go, sir.
- I told you, Shiga.

Only Hawaiian papaya.

We got her from Ivanka.

She's fairly new.

Uh, you were saying?
About a coup?

Coups are the only way
to really gain control.

You assassinate the leader...

...which throws everything
into chaos,

and during the melee,
you install yourself

and restore order
like the savior you are.

I'm praying
you're speaking metaphorically.

I can be.

What's, like, a step
or ten below that?

Fine. We can try what I like
to call the "Succession."

It's got simpler steps.

First, you weaken the brand
you want to buy,

making it ripe for takeover.

No better way
to weaken an influencer

than to cancel them.

Okay, but I don't wanna
make anything up or... or lie.

The good thing about the
internet is that you never have to.

Most people cancel themselves
if you dig back far enough.

My mom would be so mad at me

for taking on
something this easy.

♪ What about that Dries jumpsuit

you wore
to the Palais de Tokyo show?

Mm-mmm. Hailey Bieber
wore it to Erewhon.

Dead to me.

Oh! What about this one?

That's cute. I love it.

Any progress with Ak?

Mm, no.

He honestly thinks I'm the one
who has to make a choice,

which makes zero sense to me.

That's weird. I just got
a bunch of cancellations

for tonight.

Something about Twitter?

What's "Calloway Cancel Party"
and why is it trending?

“There is a difference
between thick and fat people.”

- That tweet did not age well.
- I was 13!

It gets worse.
Jameela Jamil just defended you.

Princess Nokia just cancelled!

- What?
- "There's a difference

between kind and cruel too."

Zoya! Who else?

You really think
she'd go that far?

I told you she's a catalyst
of chaos. What are you gonna do?

You cannot let her
Kim and Kanye you

and then get away with it.

You're right. I'm done playing.

This is not just her birthday.
We both lost our mom today,

and now, we're fighting
over who knows what.

I should be the bigger person
in all of this.

And you know what
the bigger person does?

- What?
- She makes it not just about her.

- If only Aki would do the same.
- Do it for him.

Princess Nokia is playing
my party tonight,

and you are getting an answer
from your boyfriend

by showing him
that you have options.

And very hot ones at that.

This is a photo
of my late mother, Marion,

wearing her favorite dress.

This dress and this photo

are my most treasured
possessions.

She died 15 years ago today,
in childbirth...

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Tonight's party was conceived
to be a charitable affair

to both honor her legacy
and raise funds

for the Lupus Foundation
of America.

She's using our dead mom
to get people

to go to her party?

Look, Julien can be selfish.

I mean, she has
her selfish moments, but...

that is her mom too, you know?
I mean, you ever think

that maybe
that's how she really feels?

It's a PR stunt.

One you're falling for,
of course.

All right, I get that
your emotions are high today,

but you don't have to let this
get to you, all right?

You're Zoya.
You are cool, you are calm.

And you don't care
about petty stuff

- like that.
- You don't get it, Obie.

Look, if my dad
and I get evicted,

we have nowhere to go.

You know? No stockpile
of money to save us.

And I don't know
if we can go back to Buffalo.

Why not?

I'm not letting her
destroy this.

Milo, go to phase two.

I'm ready to do
whatever it takes.

Please explain why
we're learning about a war

between our daughters
from assistants in our offices?

- Ask Julien.
- What? Zoya started it.

Did Zoya put one of my friends
in the awkward position

of having to play
a party she denounced

because it is suddenly
for charity?

- Nokia's still coming?
- Yes, but that is not the point.

And you, young lady.
I don't even know

- what to do with you.
- Why aren't you more mad at her?

She's the one trying
to get us evicted.

No, I'm not.

I don't care
about what's going on here,

I just want it to end.

Between work and appealing
to the housing board,

this is the last thing I need.

I'm sure you feel
the same way, Davis.

Completely.
This fighting is not what

your mother would've wanted.

Especially not today.

Which is why
we have both decided

that since
it's too late to cancel,

this will be a joint party.

Yeah, two young women
coming together

to celebrate their mother.

Hey, either you do it together

or you don't do it at all.
It's up to you.

- Fine.
- Fine.

I will see you tonight, Nick.

And happy birthday, Zoya.

I really thought we left this
kind of trouble behind in Buffalo, Z.

So did I.

This just in.

We hear a tale...

...of two sisters may have

a happy ending after all.

Word is their fathers forced

a sisterly cease-fire.

But does tonight's
newly-conjoined celebration

signal a signed treaty,
or a Trojan Horse?

Time to play truce or dare.

Oh, my God.

She spon-conned you.

She's learning,
I'll give her that.

Julien, we simply must get

a photo together on the step...

...and repeat that your sponsors
so generously provided.

Oh, and the teachers.

So nice of you to invite them.

Nice, now get together.

- Big smile.
- Oh, love it.

-Nice stunt
-Only the best for you, sis.

Three, two, one.

What are you counting down to?

- What is it?
- They set up a GoFundMe.

"For our dear,
destitute classmate,

Zoya Lott's housing crisis.”
If my dad sees this,

- he's gonna be humiliated.
- Look at me.

It's just noise.
Don't pay attention to it.

- You wanna go dance?
- Good thing

I'm already
one step ahead of her.

A step ahead?

Ugh!

I'm being attacked
by Russian bots!

You're being Venmoed
for BJs, HJs, poppers, urine,

your celebrity fleshlight,
and "seven grams of better coke

- than the last batch."
- What?

It's not the Russian bots,

it's that regional bitch.

I'm so glad

you're scorching
her earth tonight.

- Yeah, me too.
- ♪ Body-ody-ody-ody-ody... ♪

What's going on?
The way that you're acting is...

I'm not acting. I'm reacting.
And why aren't you mad at her?

Why isn't anyone?

God, where's Milo?
I need to find him.

♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big titties, lil' waist ♪

- ♪ Body-ody-ody... ♪
- Yo!

You don't look very happy.

You must have tried
a vegan cupcake.

No. Zoya has,
literally overnight,

become somebody
I don't even recognize.

So... I just want this night
to be over.

Seems like you do too.
What's up?

You have that talk
with Audrey yet?

I'm just waiting
for the right time. Why?

♪ Three, two, one
You know I'm the hottest... ♪

Might be the right time.

♪ Ain't ever gotta heat me up
I'm present when I'm absent ♪

- ♪ Speaking when I'm not there ♪
- What are you doing?

Aki, have you met Ravi Solis?

He goes to Andover,
but is down for the weekend

to interview for an internship
at The Criterion Collection.

Akeno Menzies!
I've stalked you on Instagram.

Our mums met
at the last TEDSummit.

It's a pleasure.

Strong grip.

Ravi, didn't you say
that your dance crew finaled

on Britain's Got Talent?
Oh, I'd love to see some moves.

Aki, I trust you have
something else you've chosen

to occupy
your time with tonight?

♪ Been gettin' these niggas
Through the quarantine ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm very well... ♪

I'm starving. Thank God
my dad took care of the food.

At least we know
it's not Pret.

- But it is buffet.
- I lost track of Zoya,

which means
she's up to something.

Hey, when are you gonna give
the birthday girl

her birthday gift?

- When the time is right.
- Okay, well,

here's our gift to you.

We contacted
the videographer herself,

and turns out,
there's a director's cut.

- Hmm.
- And unlike most of them,

this one's better.

- Amazing.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ Curvy, wavy Big
titties, lil' waist... ♪ - Waiter?

♪ Body crazy, curvy, wavy
Big titties, lil' waist ♪

♪ Body-ody-ody-ody-ody
Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody... ♪

Thank you.

♪ Ody-ody-ody-ody
The category is body ♪

♪ Look at the way it's sittin' ♪

Hey, you can head on inside.

Hold on. Name.

Uh, Max Wolfe.

- You're not on the list.
- Cute. I am the list, okay?

So, I'm just gonna squeeze in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! There must have been a mistake.

- What the...
- No mistake.

- Fuck!
- I called Julien's dad...

...and told
him to take your name off

since you'd most likely
be holding.

Oh, holding?
Holding?

Who says “holding”?

Wanna check my breath? Huh?

How many of these
are you on right now?

It's not for me, okay?
It's for inside.

I'm macro-dosing some acid.

Okay, I'm on a Nemo,
and I'm on a Dory, and honestly,

right now you kinda...

...you kind of
look like both of them.

I thought your thing
was very clear boundaries.

And here you are
with all of them broken.

Or is it just you that's broken?

You used to be so hot. And now,
now you're just a bad trip.

Look at that.

More than your year's salary
on the sidewalk.

Two second rule I guess.

- We're getting you out of here.
- Finally, some action!

Seems like a safe space.

May I?

I'll join you. Seltzer?

You know, if you wanna go hard,
I can be your designated driver.

I've been doing it
for seven years.

Well, I've never really been
a "go hard" kind of guy anyway.

Also, I understand
it must've been

really difficult for you.

It was essential.

Are you really getting evicted?

The board's trying.

Most of the units
in the building

have gone co-op
in the past decade.

My mom held out,
but didn't tell anybody

when she was hospitalized.

It sucks, but it's not entirely
without cause.

We did lie about living there
without my mom.

- How's she doing?
- Assisted living.

If there's ever anything I can do
to help... - Thank you. We're good.

You think
they'll behave tonight?

- Uh...
- No chance.

You know, I can't say
we've led by great example.

You know, I know
this is crazy, but...

maybe them fighting
isn't such a bad thing.

Maybe it's Marion
giving us a chance to...

work our own shit out.

♪ If you wanna run away with me
I know a galaxy ♪

- ♪ And I can take you For a ride ♪
- Where have you been?

And most importantly,
what've you been doing?

Lying in wait, of course.

My plan is time-released.

What exactly is your plan?
You never told me.

You just said to stay out
of the splash zone.

She's halfway to wasted.

She's not drinking anything.

She's underage.
Also, our dads are here.

She's not drinking.
She's eating.

An alcosynth that my friend,
Sami, is making sure to get

into everything
she puts into her mouth.

Hope you don't have emetophobia,

because things are gonna get
pretty wet pretty soon.

♪ I need you all night
Come on, dance with me ♪

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

Do I need a retraining order?

- Are you drunk?
- On Dirty Lemon?

Yeah, yeah, so much.

I just thought that I could
appeal to you, all right?

- Old friend to old friend.
- If you think

- we're old friends...
- Julien, come on.

Okay? I know you.

This is not you, all right?

Things between you and Zoya
were getting better,

- were they not?
- God, stop.

- I already have a dad.
- She's gonna lose her home.

I don't think that you did it,
but I know you can stop it.

We're not gonna do this...

because you made your choice,

and now
you have to live with it.

Which is too bad,
because in about ten minutes,

you're gonna wish
you made a different one.

♪ I need you all night
Come on, dance with me ♪

♪ I'm levitating, you ♪

Hey, can I get a, uh,

Mint Ju-lien?

- Told you she would show.
- And I'm glad I did.

It's been five minutes,

and I've seen ten
post-worthy things.

Julien and Zoya are clearly
planning something big.

And is any of it on Gossip Girl?

No! Guest of a Guest
has more inside info

- and they're not even inside.
- Jesus, Kate.

This Gossip Girl thing
is just, uh,

a social experiment, right?

It's not our lives.

What you're supposed
to be doing at home right now,

that's your future, your career.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I was at home, working,

but then as soon
as the party started,

it's all I could think about.

Next thing I knew,
I was out the door

and on the train,
and now I'm here.

- What are you so scared of?
- Maybe her story is bad.

If Gossip Girl reported on me,

you know what she'd say?

"Keller dropped out of Iowa,
six months shy of her MFA."

"Like literary,
great Hannah Horvath before her,

she just wasn't good enough."

This, I'm good at.

This is where
I'm not just read, but heard.

What if, in the end, Gossip Girl
is all I'm good for?

- You're scared.
- I am. Very. The most.

Let's go face those fears then.

“Spotted. Wendy's got this.”

♪ So put your guard up on me
You know I'm with the shits ♪

♪ I put my guard up on you
Girl you better quit ♪

♪ I put my guard up on you
Hit you with the stick ♪

Didn't you say Princess Nokia
was performing?

I didn't realize that was
the main selling point for you.

I like her.

- Huh?
- Don't you?

It's okay, it's okay.
You have my consent.

Okay.

Cool.

So, what's Aki's deal?

You don't have to worry
about him.

We're open.

He's not gay?

Wait. Are you gay?

Why didn't you tell me?

I go to boarding school,
and I'm on a dance crew.

But...

Look, it... it's not like
you asked and... and I said no.

Really, I... I just thought
he was one of us.

Maybe he is. I guess
I have not asked him either.

♪ So I'm misunderstood
The chopper go echo ♪

♪ I miss the sounds
From the hood ♪

Hey.

Hi.

Are you gay?

- What?
- Are you gay?

It's okay.
Look, you can tell me.

I know
I'm your girlfriend,

so it might make it difficult,
but I'm also

the closest person to you

and... I know I haven't been
the most sensitive about this.

I've just been afraid
of the answer, I guess,

but it's... it's not about me.

And I've been
making it about me.

Are you gay?

♪ I put my guard up on you
You know that I'm the shit ♪

I don't know.

Julien, it's so nice to meet you!

Thank you so much
for performing, Nokia.

I am your fannist big.

Oh, baby, I love to party,

but I want you
to drink some water, okay?

My manager told me

you're gonna do a speech,

and then you're
gonna bring me on stage?

- Yes, doing that right now.
- Thank you, baby.

Luna?

What's got you so excited?

Milo Sparks,

you're not tall enough
to ride this ride.

You owe me for that time
I gave Lily Rose Depp E. coli.

What gives?

Fine. Just a little
AV sitch, okay?

Julien's about to show the world
Zoya's true colors,

a whole rainbow of crazy.

Give me a hint?

The reason Zoya
had to leave Buffalo,

from Gossip Girl herself.

♪ 'Cause when we on that
Other side, baby ♪

Milo, I changed...
I changed my mind.

I didn't know you had it in you.

- What are you talking about?
- Your sister's associates

have a video.

Something about why
you didn't invite

your old friends
from Buffalo tonight?

- Oh, my God. I have to stop her.
- Where have you been?

I can't talk right now.
Your ex-girlfriend

is about to ruin
my fucking life!

Huh. Look, I thought
that a one-party solution

was gonna bring
you guys together,

but instead, you've been trying
to, like, destroy her all night.

Maybe her destroying you
is what you get in that bargain.

So, you expect me to wave
the white flag and let her win?

Let her humiliate me

- in front of everybody that I know?
- Why do you care

what anybody thinks?

Well, you didn't a month ago.

Something's changed. You've...

you've changed. It's... You're
not even... -Obie, can this wait?

Please?

Thank you!

In honor of my...
...sis's 15th birthday,

I wanted to talk
a little bit about...

...the woman who really
made all of this happen.

- Our mother...
- Aww!

- ...Calloway Marion.
- Oh, shit.

There's a lot Zoya and I

never got to learn from her,

but we know, from our dads
and deep inside our hearts,

that she was amazing.

But...

...like every person,
she had two sides to her.

She was brave,
brilliant, beautiful,

but she wasn't always honest.

She wasn't... always good.

I mean, she left
her own baby, me,

to run off with another man.

Now, that reckless,
irresponsible,

unreliable part of my mom,
I didn't inherit,

thankfully. But someone did.

And now,

thanks to this video,
we all get to see

just how much of my mom
the supposedly upstanding,

righteous Zoya really got.

This school sucks!

Oh! Oh! Tag the chem lab! Yeah!

This school sucks!

Here comes the director's cut.- -

Okay.

Oh, come on, Emma.
This isn't funny.

- Mother killer!
- Let me out, guys.

- This isn't funny. Let me out.
- Hey, are you upset, mother killer?

- Are you upset?
- Hey, Bella...

- Open the door.
- She's gonna cry.

Mother killer.

What are you gonna do,
mother killer? You gonna cry?

Let me out!

Let me out!

What is this?

- I didn't see this part.
- Let me out!

Of course she goes soft.

- What is this?
- Aww!

This isn't funny anymore!
Let me out!

- Let me out!
- I didn't see this part.

Let me out!

Mother killer! Killer!

- Okay, mother killer!
- Fire!

- Turn it off! Turn it off now!
- Oh, shit!

Stop!

What the fuck, Julien.

Hey, everyone.

I know that video was traumatic.

You're probably wondering
why I played it.

I'm wondering that too.

I hadn't seen the whole thing,

but... that's no excuse.

I just...
thought that she was...

I didn't know
she was being bullied, but...

I guess
when you're a bully yourself,

you don't see that.

Since I can't
turn back the clock,

the very least
I can do is tell the truth.

I'm a bully.

And whether I do it
to your face...

or through your phone
without you realizing...

it's the same thing.

I expect you
to want what I have,

but not be able to get it.

So, if you try to,

I'll do everything in my power
to stop you.

And because I have
considerable power...

I can.

But never again.

Take out your phones.

Do it. Hit record.

I am a bully.

I bully my sister.

I bully my friends, my fans.

And I'm never gonna do it
again, so long as I live.

You have this video.

Dubsmash it, DeuxMoi it.

Gossip Girl it
for all it's worth.

Now...

...how about we put
this pain behind us

and bow down to the Princess?

She's why you're all here.

Z, I love you.

This is what your birthday
was supposed to be.

Nokia.

How you doing?

Well, this is a safe space,

and I don't care what's going on in your school.

We're here to have some fun.

♪ Yes
I'm God's favorite flavor ♪

♪ I'm blessed
And highly favored ♪

♪ He give me
All the blessings ♪

♪ And them blessings
Turn to paper ♪

- ♪ Money ♪
- ♪ That paper turn to money ♪

♪ Got hands
That's stuck in honey ♪

♪ I'm sexy, Playboy bunny ♪

♪ I'm shining, yes, I'm sunny
You don't have a fan for... ♪

Is this the best place to talk?

You've been avoiding this
long enough. Here's good.

- You've been avoiding it too.
- Avoiding what?

Was Max the only one,
or have you been cheating

- on me this whole time?
- What?

Of course he's the only one.

What? You really thought that...

No, definitely not.

Now you go.

I'm not gay!

I don't... Maybe... Sometimes...
I think I'm into both.

But I'm into you,

and I love you,
and I'm attracted to you.

I'm sorry that I slept with Max.

I'm not sorry I kissed him.

Guess that's a start.

You said you were

gonna take me somewhere
to ride out my trip.

- This is why I am tripping.
- I called your dads.

Roy said you haven't been home
in days.

- He's worried about you.
- Roy's only my father on paper.

- That's not true.
- No.

Gideon is my biological dad.

You know, the guy that
Roy screwed over, along with me?

So, you getting fucked up
is supposed to, what,

teach him some kind of lesson?

That you don't care?
'Cause it's obvious

- you care a whole lot.
- Why do you care?

Because some of us don't have
one dad who loves us,

let alone two.

I'm sorry, I... I, uh...

...I didn't know.

Roy made a mistake,
but he loves you

and he's trying to fix it...

because that's what
real dads do.

Don't push him away.
Let him in.

He needs you right now.

Yeah, and what do you need?

Hmm?

For you to get
your shit together

before I find someone else
to care about.

♪ I'm a pretty bitch
On some petty shit ♪

♪ So, don't try me I'm always hungry

♪ Curvy when I get
That munchie ♪

♪ Thick thighs
On my money, hustle ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪
- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪
- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ So, talk that shit ♪
- ♪ So, talk that shit ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

- ♪ It's not my fault ♪
- ♪ It's not my fault ♪

- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪
- ♪ That I'm that bitch ♪

- ♪ So, talk that shit ♪
- ♪ So, talk that shit ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I'm still rich ♪

Last year, my best friend
started hanging out

with some other kids.

Guess I was no longer cool
or something.

On my birthday, she told me
she was sorry,

to come hang out at the school.

At first, it was fun.
They just kept daring me

to do stuff.
Steal a trophy, tag the walls.

I was desperate to fit in, so...

Anyway, they were just waiting
to get me.

Bella had told them
how our mom died.

And so, they... put me
in that room.

You know the rest.

And when I realized
what was happening,

I started to panic.

Like, really... panic.

And all I could think of was
to set off the fire alarm.

You know, I don't
even think I cared

about if I got out of there
alive or not.

'Cause they weren't wrong.

I killed our mom.

She had an illness.
Lupus killed her, not you.

No, you say that,
but you don't have to live...

...with knowing that
the only reason you're alive

is because she's dead.

You're alive
because she wanted you to be.

Because she wanted you.

I'm sorry I never thought about
how much pain you were in.

I'm sorry for a lot of things,
and I'll always be sorry.

Oh, well,
um, I hope you'll stop soon,

'cause it's really nice

to have somebody who knows
what I'm going through.

That's what sisters
are for, I guess.

From now on,

this day is your birthday first.

That's what
she would've wanted...

and that's what I want too.

I'm glad you were born,
Zoya Jane.

Julien Elizabeth.

♪ ♪ - Here.

It's not too late
to turn this party around.

God, I think I really
fucked things up with Obie.

- Can I tell you stuff like that?
- Yes. Because it's true...

and we don't hide
from stuff like that anymore.

♪ Wishing that someone
Would film the way ♪

♪ I'm looking at you right now ♪

♪ I wanna watch it back ♪

♪ And then kill myself ♪

♪ And I know
It's not very sexy ♪

♪ When somebody loves you
This much ♪

All right, followers.

Time to face the music.

Looks like the war
is finally over.

I think your girlfriend
wants to dance.

If you'll excuse me,
I'll go tell Luna

and Monet to put
their weapons down.

♪ Diggin' up old ground ♪

You didn't leave.

Well, how could I?
I'm dating the birthday girl.

For... at least another hour.

I will be very glad
when this day is behind me.

I'm sorry
that that happened to you.

I'm sorry too.
For how I treated you.

You only wanted to make
this day special for me,

and I pushed you aside.

I wasn't myself, and...

I'm grateful that I have
someone like you

who knows the real me.

Apology accepted.

And starting now,

you're gonna get
the birthday you deserve.

How about I call and get you
a suite at the Greenwich Hotel

for a relaxing night alone?

Twelve-hour massage,
room service, whatever you want.

I've never ordered room service
in my life.

Well, tonight
could be the night.

♪ Step on up ♪

♪ Pay them no mind ♪

♪ You're alone with this one ♪

♪ And they're angry
Well, it won't do no good ♪

Thank you.

But would you mind
if I took a rain check?

There's someone I really want
to spend tonight with.

But the thing
about when wars end?

Nobody is ever the same again.

When the dust has settled
and the smoke clears,

only then can we finally face
what we've done.

I did what you said.

And? How'd it go?

He blamed me for everything.

Like it's my fault
that their marriage fell apart,

it's my fault
he fell out of love.

None of this is your fault.

What the fuck
is wrong with me?

- Nothing is wrong with you.
- Yeah? Well,

you're probably the only person
who thinks that right now.

You should go.

Yeah.

I really should.

- Max, I can't...
- Stop? Me neither.

Fuck it.

♪ Step on up
Pay them no mind ♪

No one returns
from war unchanged.

We come back strangers.

Not only to those around us,
but to ourselves.

So, what happens now?

I don't know, but...
we'll figure it out together.

And slowly, little by little,

we either remember
who we used to be,

or we allow ourselves
to become someone new.

Hey, can I give you a ride?

I live, like,
60 blocks from here.

I don't mind.

Who will you be,

now that this is over?

I don't know about you,

but... since it wasn't
the end of the world...

I feel fine.

Scratch that.

Better than fine.

Finally free.

Effortlessly yours...

XOXO...

Gossip Girl.

THEME MUSIC PLAYING...