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1
00:00:02,071 --> 00:00:05,110
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:05,177 --> 00:00:09,151
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:13,226
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,293 --> 00:00:17,201
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:21,309
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,376 --> 00:00:23,781
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:23,848 --> 00:00:24,783
[laughs]
8
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:25,919
Ooh! [growls]
9
00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:27,388
Mommy!
Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,454 --> 00:00:29,458
Duncan!
Duncan!
11
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,570
Jack, hoist me.
12
00:00:34,636 --> 00:00:37,776
We got to get into the attic to
get Jing's Abraham Lincoln hat.
13
00:00:37,842 --> 00:00:39,613
Out attic is filled
with fast‐moving spiders
14
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,584
and that chair
that rocks on its own.
15
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,688
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
16
00:00:43,754 --> 00:00:44,823
Everybody, pull!
17
00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,025
[all grunt]
18
00:00:46,092 --> 00:00:47,161
Harder!
19
00:00:47,227 --> 00:00:50,100
[all grunting]
20
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:51,102
Ugh.
21
00:00:51,169 --> 00:00:54,375
Imhotep.
22
00:00:54,442 --> 00:00:56,245
Okay, I got it open,
so somebody else has to go up
23
00:00:56,312 --> 00:00:59,151
and get the Abraham Lincoln hat
for Jing's school play.
24
00:00:59,218 --> 00:01:00,220
all: Not it!
25
00:01:00,287 --> 00:01:02,358
Not it!
No! This is so unfair.
26
00:01:02,424 --> 00:01:04,462
I went up
for the Christmas angel.
27
00:01:04,529 --> 00:01:06,934
And I'm not sure
I ever came down.
28
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,305
Come play with me, Jack.
29
00:01:09,372 --> 00:01:10,975
Well, somebody's
got to go up there.
30
00:01:11,042 --> 00:01:12,111
all: Not it!
31
00:01:12,177 --> 00:01:13,514
Not it! No!
32
00:01:13,581 --> 00:01:17,354
Jack, it's been on
your honey‐do list forever.
33
00:01:17,421 --> 00:01:20,394
And I immediately put it
on their kiddie‐do list.
34
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:22,097
And we put it
on our Christmas list,
35
00:01:22,164 --> 00:01:24,068
so, technically,
this is Santa's fault.
36
00:01:24,135 --> 00:01:25,505
I do everything
for this family,
37
00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:27,542
and all you do is blame Santa.
38
00:01:27,609 --> 00:01:31,049
Never mind.
I'll just be Mary Todd.
39
00:01:31,115 --> 00:01:32,719
Do you have a straitjacket?
40
00:01:32,786 --> 00:01:34,188
Hurry up, Duncan.
41
00:01:34,255 --> 00:01:36,459
You're gonna be late
for school.
42
00:01:36,527 --> 00:01:39,131
Dunkie, I got you
a PSAT study book.
43
00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,467
Ugh!
44
00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:43,607
Mom, Dad, after much thought
and soul searching,
45
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:45,578
I have decided
not to take the PSAT.
46
00:01:45,645 --> 00:01:47,414
I will not be taking questions
at this time.
47
00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:49,953
Like Hellmann's
mayonnaise you're not!
48
00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:53,326
You are taking that test
so you can go to a good college
49
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:54,796
and then get a job
50
00:01:54,863 --> 00:01:57,101
so you can pay for that college
for the rest of your life.
51
00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:58,637
College is stupid.
52
00:01:58,704 --> 00:02:01,510
Lots of famous people
did not go to college,
53
00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:06,018
like Beyoncé, Steve Jobs,
Phil Spector?
54
00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,287
Ah, Phil.
55
00:02:07,354 --> 00:02:08,991
The master of
the Wall of Sound...
56
00:02:09,058 --> 00:02:10,260
and murder.
57
00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:12,264
Jack, I need
your opinion here.
58
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:14,268
Tell Duncan to do what I say.
59
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,205
Maybe he'll work
on a crab boat
60
00:02:16,272 --> 00:02:18,343
or in a factory canning crab.
61
00:02:18,409 --> 00:02:20,280
Either way,
his crab future's bright.
62
00:02:20,347 --> 00:02:21,683
Happy sailing, Dunker!
63
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:24,221
Dunkie, you would be
the first one in our family
64
00:02:24,288 --> 00:02:25,323
to go to college.
65
00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:26,492
I never went.
66
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,566
My no‐good brother
Stan never went.
67
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:31,837
I just want the best for you
68
00:02:31,904 --> 00:02:35,143
and to rub it in
to my uneducated family's face.
69
00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:36,647
Fine, I'll take the test,
70
00:02:36,713 --> 00:02:38,449
but I'm not reading
the questions.
71
00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,555
And on break, I'm crapping
in the teacher's toilet.
72
00:02:40,621 --> 00:02:42,124
That's all I wanted to hear.
73
00:02:42,191 --> 00:02:45,665
I'm even gonna mark it on the
family calendar nobody uses.
74
00:02:45,731 --> 00:02:48,336
We have a family calendar?
How come nobody told me?
75
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:49,806
Because you'll clog it up
76
00:02:49,873 --> 00:02:52,177
with the birthdays of everyone
in the E Street Band.
77
00:02:52,244 --> 00:02:53,479
[gasps]
Today's Little Stevie!
78
00:02:53,547 --> 00:02:58,231
Hello, 1‐800‐FLOWERS?
79
00:02:58,231 --> 00:03:00,747
Duncan, you excited
for the PSAT?
80
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:01,663
No.
81
00:03:01,730 --> 00:03:03,499
If I wanted someone to tell me
I'm stupid on a Saturday,
82
00:03:03,567 --> 00:03:04,903
I would just hang out
with my sister.
83
00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,609
I take issue with the word
"stupid," Duncan.
84
00:03:07,675 --> 00:03:08,777
It's pejorative.
85
00:03:08,844 --> 00:03:11,617
Pejorative, a word expressing
contempt or disapproval.
86
00:03:11,683 --> 00:03:14,723
Hell, yeah,
I'm so ready for this PSAT.
87
00:03:14,789 --> 00:03:17,327
Why does everybody care
about college?
88
00:03:17,394 --> 00:03:19,131
If I want to learn,
I'll go to YouTube.
89
00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:21,503
If it's not there,
it's not worth knowing.
90
00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:23,206
I can't wait to get
into college
91
00:03:23,273 --> 00:03:24,843
'cause I'm gonna drop out
just like Kanye.
92
00:03:24,910 --> 00:03:27,481
I'm taking the test because
it might snow on Saturday
93
00:03:27,548 --> 00:03:28,984
and I want to be indoors.
94
00:03:29,051 --> 00:03:31,523
Yeah, Duncan, don't you want
to pre‐prepare for your future?
95
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:32,926
I don't need college.
96
00:03:32,992 --> 00:03:35,998
I'm gonna get famous for eating
the most hot dogs
97
00:03:36,065 --> 00:03:36,900
in under five minutes
98
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:40,240
without dunking the buns
in water first.
99
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,576
No college, huh?
100
00:03:41,643 --> 00:03:43,781
Wouldn't even let me
on the tour.
101
00:03:43,847 --> 00:03:45,350
Wait a second.
Aren't you the guy
102
00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:46,753
that ate a wheelbarrow full
of hot dogs
103
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:48,389
without dunking
the buns in water?
104
00:03:48,456 --> 00:03:49,926
In under five minutes.
105
00:03:49,993 --> 00:03:53,867
In that case,
welcome to the Men in Black.
106
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:54,869
Whoa!
107
00:03:54,936 --> 00:03:58,409
I'm not wearing a suit, though.
That's fine.
108
00:03:58,476 --> 00:04:00,681
You know Men in Black
isn't a real job.
109
00:04:00,748 --> 00:04:03,219
Oh, that's what
they want you to think.
110
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,589
Right, Mr. Mitch?
111
00:04:04,656 --> 00:04:05,758
"Men in Black" isn't real.
112
00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:08,229
But "Men in Black 2"
very much is.
113
00:04:08,296 --> 00:04:09,899
Now go study
so you don't end up
114
00:04:09,966 --> 00:04:12,739
an adult drinking bagged milk
on your lunch break.
115
00:04:15,110 --> 00:04:18,717
Dunkie, I put together
a PSAT care package for you.
116
00:04:18,784 --> 00:04:21,623
It's got espresso beans
to keep you awake,
117
00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:24,395
two pencils‐‐one to write with,
one to chew on‐‐
118
00:04:24,461 --> 00:04:26,533
and a whole bunch
of prenatal vitamins
119
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,570
I was supposed to take
when I was pregnant with you.
120
00:04:28,637 --> 00:04:30,541
You're wasting
your time, Mom.
121
00:04:30,608 --> 00:04:33,012
I'm not good at knowing things.
I'm a...
122
00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:33,914
Idiot?
123
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:35,684
Thank you.
No, honey.
124
00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:37,655
You just have
a different way of thinking
125
00:04:37,722 --> 00:04:40,694
because your fontanelles
never closed.
126
00:04:40,761 --> 00:04:43,967
[groans]
Me no want test take.
127
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,203
Too bad.
128
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:49,646
Now, let's go before anything
can ruin my dreams for you.
129
00:04:49,712 --> 00:04:51,148
Stan?
130
00:04:51,215 --> 00:04:52,484
Hey, sis. What's up?
131
00:04:52,552 --> 00:04:54,756
I told you to never come back
132
00:04:54,823 --> 00:04:56,960
after you sold my wedding cake
133
00:04:57,027 --> 00:04:59,465
to the couple
in the banquet hall next door.
134
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,335
How else was I supposed
to afford a gift?
135
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,005
Hey, do you mind if I lay low
136
00:05:03,072 --> 00:05:06,045
until some douches I sold
fake Coachella tickets to
137
00:05:06,112 --> 00:05:07,180
stop looking for me?
138
00:05:07,247 --> 00:05:10,888
If I miss Cardi B's hologram,
I'm kicking your ass!
139
00:05:10,955 --> 00:05:12,825
And as a thank‐you,
I brought doughnuts.
140
00:05:12,892 --> 00:05:14,863
No doubt
one of your flimflams.
141
00:05:14,929 --> 00:05:18,570
Probably filled with ill‐gotten
jelly, pilfered cream,
142
00:05:18,637 --> 00:05:20,641
and glazed with the tears
of the innocent.
143
00:05:20,708 --> 00:05:22,444
Hmm, I think
they're assorted.
144
00:05:22,512 --> 00:05:23,780
Who are you?
145
00:05:23,847 --> 00:05:25,851
Hey, you're new.
I'm Uncle Stan.
146
00:05:25,918 --> 00:05:27,989
As in "Don't wind up
like Uncle Stan"?
147
00:05:28,055 --> 00:05:31,563
Yeah. Only an idiot would
be impressed by this con man.
148
00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:33,867
Is that your van? Cool.
Yep.
149
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,571
Used to carry old people
to church,
150
00:05:35,638 --> 00:05:36,806
but they left their keys in it.
151
00:05:36,873 --> 00:05:39,011
Classic Stan.
Good to see you, buddy.
152
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,683
I'd give you a hug,
but you'd pickpocket me.
153
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:44,454
I'm sorry, Stan, but we have
a very busy schedule,
154
00:05:44,522 --> 00:05:46,560
and Duncan
has to get to his test.
155
00:05:46,626 --> 00:05:49,264
Oh, crap.
Now I'm running late for work.
156
00:05:49,331 --> 00:05:50,601
Jack, you take Duncan.
157
00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:52,638
No can do. Going to Pipe‐Con.
158
00:05:52,705 --> 00:05:54,576
They're debuting
a new kind of pipe.
159
00:05:54,642 --> 00:05:56,880
Don't wait up!
I could drive Duncan.
160
00:05:56,947 --> 00:05:59,552
No! You'll corrupt him
with your pool halls,
161
00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:00,988
pitching pennies,
162
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,860
and stealing pies
off old ladies' windowsills.
163
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,069
Mmm.
164
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,338
Annie, relax.
165
00:06:09,404 --> 00:06:10,641
I'll take him
straight to school.
166
00:06:10,708 --> 00:06:12,912
I won't stop for anything,
not even lights.
167
00:06:12,979 --> 00:06:13,747
Okay.
168
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,350
Come on, Duncan.
Let's haul ass.
169
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:17,420
[gasps]
170
00:06:17,487 --> 00:06:20,360
Dive!
[tires squealing]
171
00:06:20,426 --> 00:06:22,430
This van is so cool.
172
00:06:22,497 --> 00:06:24,234
You got carpeting
on the ceiling,
173
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:26,806
a floor hole
so you can see the street,
174
00:06:26,873 --> 00:06:29,512
and is that bucket in the
corner what I think it's for?
175
00:06:29,579 --> 00:06:31,015
Collecting seashells?
You bet ya.
176
00:06:31,081 --> 00:06:33,386
You want to see something
really cool?
177
00:06:33,452 --> 00:06:35,924
No way! Are these
Uh‐Oh Oreos?
178
00:06:35,991 --> 00:06:38,664
With the wrong frosting
on the inside?
179
00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:40,934
Yep. But they stopped
making 'em in 2009.
180
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,838
They were driving kids'
brains crazy.
181
00:06:42,905 --> 00:06:44,374
Can I have one?
Yeah, sure.
182
00:06:44,441 --> 00:06:45,911
Have the whole box.
183
00:06:45,978 --> 00:06:47,982
Are those shot glasses from
all the places you've been?
184
00:06:48,049 --> 00:06:51,255
Yep. Every Margaritaville
in the United States.
185
00:06:51,322 --> 00:06:52,825
Even Indianapolis?
186
00:06:52,892 --> 00:06:57,133
Worst food poisoning
of my life.
187
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,102
Here we are‐‐
188
00:06:58,169 --> 00:07:00,708
Croakdale High School,
where dreams go to die.
189
00:07:00,774 --> 00:07:03,513
I wish I didn't have to take
this stupid PSAT.
190
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:05,016
I hear you, man‐‐
I didn't take it,
191
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,820
and I've turned out great.
[van door closes]
192
00:07:06,886 --> 00:07:08,657
What are you gonna do
while I'm in there?
193
00:07:08,724 --> 00:07:10,694
Probably win money at cards
or trick a water park
194
00:07:10,761 --> 00:07:12,163
into thinking
they gave me pink eye.
195
00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:14,502
Or I might just stay here
and rock out to some tunes.
196
00:07:14,569 --> 00:07:16,105
I don't know. Good luck.
197
00:07:19,444 --> 00:07:21,248
Duncan, I saved you a seat
198
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,920
under the blinking
fluorescent light.
199
00:07:23,987 --> 00:07:25,724
Hey, they just said the test
is untimed,
200
00:07:25,791 --> 00:07:28,462
so we're gonna be here late!
201
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:29,866
Cool, more heat for me.
202
00:07:29,932 --> 00:07:32,470
Bad news‐‐the teacher's
bathroom is locked,
203
00:07:32,538 --> 00:07:34,007
so we can't crap in it.
204
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:36,011
All right, students,
take your seats.
205
00:07:36,078 --> 00:07:38,817
It's very dry in here, so while
you're taking your test,
206
00:07:38,884 --> 00:07:41,455
I'll be coughing
and nose‐whistling all day.
207
00:07:41,523 --> 00:07:45,096
[imitates rock music
playing]
208
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:48,737
[nose whistling]
209
00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:51,676
[continues imitating
rock music playing]
210
00:07:51,743 --> 00:07:55,851
[nose continues whistling]
211
00:07:57,888 --> 00:07:59,926
Let's go.
I'm skipping the test!
212
00:07:59,992 --> 00:08:01,428
Hey, I hope
all the cool things
213
00:08:01,495 --> 00:08:03,700
I showed you about my life
didn't influence your decision.
214
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:05,269
Absolutely it did.
215
00:08:05,336 --> 00:08:07,340
Right on! Warm Pepsi?
216
00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:08,910
[tires squealing]
217
00:08:08,977 --> 00:08:10,881
Goodbye, future!
218
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,128
So what are you
in the mood for?
219
00:08:18,195 --> 00:08:20,132
Taco truck? Crab legs truck?
Tex‐Mex Mex‐Tex truck?
220
00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,638
Oh, my mom doesn't let me eat
at food trucks.
221
00:08:22,705 --> 00:08:24,074
She calls 'em curb pirates.
222
00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:27,080
Well, your mom's not here,
is she?
223
00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:31,856
Duncan, she's not here.
Number 46!
224
00:08:34,729 --> 00:08:37,133
Well, it took you
long enough!
225
00:08:39,906 --> 00:08:44,314
[laughs] It's funny 'cause
the food was for his family.
226
00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:46,084
You're the best, Uncle Stan.
227
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,255
I wish we were related.
228
00:08:48,322 --> 00:08:49,625
We are. I'm your uncle.
229
00:08:49,692 --> 00:08:51,328
Oh, I thought that was
your first name.
230
00:08:51,395 --> 00:08:54,334
Yeah, it's probably best
you didn't take that test.
231
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,305
Hey, open fontanelles, huh?
232
00:08:56,371 --> 00:08:58,610
Mmm, me like taco.
233
00:08:58,677 --> 00:09:00,413
Now you do me.
234
00:09:00,479 --> 00:09:02,851
Family it runs in.
235
00:09:04,722 --> 00:09:06,793
That was an awesome day,
Uncle Stan!
236
00:09:06,859 --> 00:09:08,730
First, I find out
we're brothers.
237
00:09:08,797 --> 00:09:10,734
No, I'm your mother's
brother.
238
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:13,339
[laughs] You're gonna have
to draw it for me.
239
00:09:13,405 --> 00:09:14,474
Come on, let's go in.
240
00:09:14,675 --> 00:09:17,046
I'll show you my old crutches
from when I did that backflip.
241
00:09:17,113 --> 00:09:19,585
Now, that sounds sick, but
first I got to lay on my back
242
00:09:19,652 --> 00:09:21,321
and throw a tennis ball
in the air.
243
00:09:21,388 --> 00:09:23,058
Bloop, bloop...
244
00:09:23,125 --> 00:09:26,264
Ah, I can't believe
you're unemployable.
245
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,538
[all cheer]
246
00:09:29,605 --> 00:09:30,707
What's going on?
247
00:09:30,774 --> 00:09:32,645
You took a practice test!
248
00:09:32,711 --> 00:09:35,249
I'm so proud,
I even wrote a rap about it.
249
00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:36,886
Beatbox me, Jack.
250
00:09:36,953 --> 00:09:39,391
♪ My name is Annie,
and I'm here to say ♪
251
00:09:39,457 --> 00:09:42,263
♪ I love my son in every way,
yeah ♪
252
00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,234
Spit that nasty stuff!
253
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:45,604
Mm.
254
00:09:45,671 --> 00:09:47,541
How did you do
on the test, Duncan?
255
00:09:47,608 --> 00:09:48,943
Uh, I got 100.
256
00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:52,551
It goes to 1,600, ass brain.
Fine, I got that, then.
257
00:09:52,618 --> 00:09:54,287
[doorbell rings]
258
00:09:54,354 --> 00:09:55,824
Mr. Mitch.
259
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:58,630
You're just in time
to help us celebrate Duncan.
260
00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:00,701
We're breaking out
the Martinelli's!
261
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,038
You're celebrating him
blowing off his PSAT?
262
00:10:04,274 --> 00:10:07,246
Mm, mm, mm, I've never been
more disappointed as a teacher.
263
00:10:07,313 --> 00:10:09,317
I even wrote a rap about it.
[beatboxing]
264
00:10:09,384 --> 00:10:12,591
Hey, hey, nobody wants
to hear a teacher rap.
265
00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,729
All right, all right,
I didn't take my test.
266
00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:16,498
Who cares?
Duncan!
267
00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:19,605
What kind of future are you
gonna have without college?
268
00:10:19,672 --> 00:10:20,974
Do you want to wind up
like Stan?
269
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:23,112
What's your problem
with Uncle Stan?
270
00:10:23,178 --> 00:10:25,049
He's got a better life
than you.
271
00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:27,253
He doesn't have to come home
and drink an entire bottle
272
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,658
of white wine to pretend
his life doesn't suck.
273
00:10:29,725 --> 00:10:32,029
I just like
my after‐work Chardonnay.
274
00:10:32,096 --> 00:10:34,568
And he doesn't have to soak
in a bubble bath for an hour
275
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,871
before I can even talk to him.
276
00:10:35,937 --> 00:10:37,875
Lavender calms me down!
277
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:40,079
If you think Uncle Stan's
got such a great life,
278
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:42,483
maybe you should live
with Uncle Stan.
279
00:10:42,551 --> 00:10:43,586
Maybe I should.
280
00:10:43,653 --> 00:10:46,626
Oh, well, there's the door.
You want to go, go.
281
00:10:46,692 --> 00:10:49,030
Oh, well, I'll go, then.
282
00:10:50,032 --> 00:10:52,504
I don't see you going. Go!
283
00:10:52,571 --> 00:10:54,742
Oh, I'm going. Here I go.
284
00:10:54,809 --> 00:10:56,011
♪ Instead of BS'ing me ♪
285
00:10:56,077 --> 00:10:58,048
♪ You should've been
taking that PSAT ♪
286
00:10:58,115 --> 00:10:58,983
♪ Yeah ♪
287
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:00,787
What'd you think of the hook?
288
00:11:00,854 --> 00:11:03,091
[Duncan panting]
289
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,368
[all gasp]
290
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:12,243
Annie, there has to be
a better way to handle this.
291
00:11:12,310 --> 00:11:13,145
No.
292
00:11:13,212 --> 00:11:15,584
My parents never drew the line
for Stan,
293
00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:16,919
and look how he turned out.
294
00:11:16,986 --> 00:11:19,290
We got to nip this in the bud.
295
00:11:19,357 --> 00:11:20,359
[tires squealing]
296
00:11:20,426 --> 00:11:24,434
So is anyone gonna give me
feedback on my rap?
297
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,214
[slurps, smacks lips]
298
00:11:31,281 --> 00:11:33,318
Wow, she kicked him out
just like that.
299
00:11:33,385 --> 00:11:35,289
If she did that to her
firstborn, who's next?
300
00:11:35,356 --> 00:11:36,859
I mean, we don't do crap
around here,
301
00:11:36,926 --> 00:11:38,395
and we blame Santa
way too much.
302
00:11:38,462 --> 00:11:41,101
You know what? We've got to do
something so great for her
303
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:44,173
that she'll let us live here
for years to come.
304
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,177
I know!
We'll cook her an amazing meal!
305
00:11:46,244 --> 00:11:48,382
Uh, why did you need us here
for this?
306
00:11:48,448 --> 00:11:50,921
I don't know. I thought we'd
be kicking some things around,
307
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:52,290
but I hit a groove,
and we're good.
308
00:11:52,356 --> 00:11:55,129
Is it bad
that's his second bottle?
309
00:11:55,195 --> 00:11:58,268
Wow, ice cream for dinner.
This is the life.
310
00:11:58,335 --> 00:12:00,874
Just one of the perks
of no one caring about you.
311
00:12:00,941 --> 00:12:02,276
And you didn't even
have to pay for it.
312
00:12:02,343 --> 00:12:04,113
People love supporting
the military.
313
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:07,554
You were in the military?
No, but people love 'em.
314
00:12:07,621 --> 00:12:09,692
Can I be fake FBI?
315
00:12:09,758 --> 00:12:11,896
You can be fake FBI,
fake CIA,
316
00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:13,198
any fake thing you want.
317
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:15,169
Thanks for believing in me,
Uncle Stan.
318
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,373
Don't thank me.
Thank the laminate machine.
319
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,379
It's getting dark.
Where are we staying tonight?
320
00:12:20,446 --> 00:12:22,951
What do you mean?
We sleep in the van.
321
00:12:23,018 --> 00:12:25,022
Can't we just scam a hotel?
322
00:12:25,089 --> 00:12:27,995
I'll be Ambassador Tricia Wong.
323
00:12:28,061 --> 00:12:30,466
Sorry, I've been blackballed
at every hotel
324
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:31,769
in a 60‐mile radius.
325
00:12:31,836 --> 00:12:33,305
Plus, van sleep is good sleep.
326
00:12:33,372 --> 00:12:35,242
And we're right over
the exhaust pipe,
327
00:12:35,309 --> 00:12:38,315
so you're gonna have
some pretty far‐out dreams.
328
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,021
Oh, I thought your life
is all fun.
329
00:12:41,087 --> 00:12:43,593
It is, a lot of the time,
but once in a while,
330
00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:46,799
you have to sleep in a cold van
on a dangerous street.
331
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,569
[gunshot, dog barking]
332
00:12:48,636 --> 00:12:51,542
What a world. Even the dogs
are shooting each other.
333
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:54,213
Well, good night.
Don't toss my body if I freeze.
334
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,117
What? What are you
even talking about?
335
00:12:56,184 --> 00:12:57,253
The cold months are brutal.
336
00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,392
That's why I slow my heart down
to one beat a minute.
337
00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:01,762
And...
338
00:13:01,829 --> 00:13:03,699
I'm gone.
[exhales deeply]
339
00:13:03,766 --> 00:13:07,339
[shivering]
340
00:13:07,406 --> 00:13:10,747
[dog barking, gunfire,
tires squealing]
341
00:13:10,814 --> 00:13:12,851
[shudders]
342
00:13:14,153 --> 00:13:15,456
[shivers]
343
00:13:17,259 --> 00:13:19,565
Duncan come crawling home
yet and realize
344
00:13:19,631 --> 00:13:22,036
I was right about everything
and not to betray me again?
345
00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:23,840
Not yet.
But in the meantime...
346
00:13:23,906 --> 00:13:25,109
all: Ta‐da!
347
00:13:25,175 --> 00:13:27,146
It's luau pig, your favorite.
348
00:13:27,213 --> 00:13:30,052
Aw, you guys did all this
because I was upset?
349
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,889
That is so thoughtful.
350
00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:33,358
It was my idea!
I did everything!
351
00:13:33,425 --> 00:13:35,462
They just said "ta‐da"!
Please don't throw us out!
352
00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:38,736
You think I'd throw you
all out like I did Duncan?
353
00:13:38,803 --> 00:13:40,540
all: Mm‐hmm.
354
00:13:40,607 --> 00:13:41,675
Hmm.
355
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:47,854
So how is it?
Forgivably good?
356
00:13:47,921 --> 00:13:49,423
[all sigh with relief]
357
00:13:49,490 --> 00:13:51,127
[all gasp]
358
00:13:51,194 --> 00:13:53,933
There is no pleasing
that lady!
359
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,237
We put carrots in that salad!
360
00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:58,108
I'm not sure we can get
better than that.
361
00:13:58,175 --> 00:14:00,179
We can do this.
We just need a bigger gesture.
362
00:14:00,245 --> 00:14:04,220
What's something that annoys
her even more than us?
363
00:14:04,287 --> 00:14:06,692
She really wants
that attic cleaned.
364
00:14:06,759 --> 00:14:08,261
Not...it?
365
00:14:08,328 --> 00:14:12,203
That's not how "not it"
works, mister.
366
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:20,285
Where are we?
367
00:14:20,352 --> 00:14:22,356
The mecca
of disposable income‐‐
368
00:14:22,423 --> 00:14:24,595
a farmers' market
in a good neighborhood.
369
00:14:24,661 --> 00:14:27,466
Listen, you eat, like,
every day, so we need cash.
370
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,771
We just got to come up
with a good gimmick
371
00:14:29,838 --> 00:14:31,976
that someone else isn't doing.
372
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:33,512
[purring]
373
00:14:35,015 --> 00:14:38,856
God is good. God is good.
374
00:14:38,923 --> 00:14:40,225
Lots of competition.
All right.
375
00:14:40,292 --> 00:14:41,862
We're gonna have to take our
scams to the next level.
376
00:14:41,929 --> 00:14:42,897
What are you doing?
377
00:14:42,964 --> 00:14:44,100
Whenever life gets tough,
378
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:46,271
I immediately
play games on my phone.
379
00:14:46,337 --> 00:14:49,043
Ugh, it wants to know
if I'm a robot.
380
00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,314
You're not.
Oh, thank God.
381
00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:52,951
I need to ask
a sensitive question,
382
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:54,888
and I'll be as gentle as I can.
383
00:14:54,955 --> 00:14:56,391
You're kind of a dummy,
ain't you?
384
00:14:56,457 --> 00:14:59,363
Oh, yes, sir. You'd be amazed
at what I don't know.
385
00:14:59,430 --> 00:15:02,102
Duncan, how do you feel
about duping chumps?
386
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,106
I've never had them.
Is it spicy?
387
00:15:04,173 --> 00:15:05,977
You're gonna do just fine.
388
00:15:06,044 --> 00:15:07,446
Step right up.
389
00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:10,753
Be amazed at what a teen in
the First World doesn't know.
390
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,022
No question too easy.
391
00:15:12,089 --> 00:15:13,325
Oh, thank you.
392
00:15:13,391 --> 00:15:15,095
All right,
mayor coming through,
393
00:15:15,162 --> 00:15:17,767
showing she shops
just like you do‐‐relatable.
394
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,103
Get out of my way.
395
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:21,040
Ask my nitwit nephew
anything.
396
00:15:21,107 --> 00:15:22,409
If he knows it, you win.
397
00:15:22,476 --> 00:15:25,750
Piece of cake.
I got one any idiot would know.
398
00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:27,721
Who was the first president?
399
00:15:27,787 --> 00:15:30,425
Oh, I know this!
Uh, he's a guy.
400
00:15:30,492 --> 00:15:31,795
He's as old as hell.
401
00:15:31,862 --> 00:15:34,400
Uh, George Jetson.
402
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,072
See, he honestly believes
that's the answer.
403
00:15:37,139 --> 00:15:40,212
Amazing. I got to stop
funding these schools.
404
00:15:40,278 --> 00:15:42,182
All right, I'll bite.
405
00:15:42,249 --> 00:15:44,988
[grumbling creepily]
Oh, good one, Jensen.
406
00:15:45,055 --> 00:15:46,825
How many continents are there?
407
00:15:46,892 --> 00:15:50,600
Hmm, A‐E‐I‐O‐U,
and sometimes Y.
408
00:15:50,666 --> 00:15:51,568
Three.
409
00:15:51,635 --> 00:15:54,440
Wow! He thinks continents
are consonants,
410
00:15:54,508 --> 00:15:56,812
and he thinks consonants
are vowels.
411
00:15:56,879 --> 00:15:58,281
[laughter]
412
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:01,387
Holy cannoli!
This guy's boom‐batz!
413
00:16:01,454 --> 00:16:03,759
Hey, Red,
say something else dumb!
414
00:16:03,826 --> 00:16:05,295
[laughter]
415
00:16:05,362 --> 00:16:09,036
Hey, Uncle Stan, am I gonna
be a farmers' market freak
416
00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:10,172
for the rest of my life?
417
00:16:10,238 --> 00:16:11,441
Yeah, but don't worry.
418
00:16:11,508 --> 00:16:13,512
Van people don't
live very long.
419
00:16:13,579 --> 00:16:15,348
[coughing]
420
00:16:15,415 --> 00:16:18,889
Ugh, I think my future sucks.
421
00:16:18,956 --> 00:16:20,425
[bell dings]
422
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:33,953
Who's Marvin?
423
00:16:34,019 --> 00:16:36,023
I have no idea.
424
00:16:36,090 --> 00:16:39,129
all: ♪ Don't worry ♪
425
00:16:39,196 --> 00:16:41,969
♪ Be happy ♪
426
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,238
Well, I'm out.
427
00:16:43,304 --> 00:16:45,075
I know this is
the most terrifying thing
428
00:16:45,141 --> 00:16:46,310
you'll ever see in your life,
429
00:16:46,377 --> 00:16:48,749
but we have to make
your mother happy.
430
00:16:48,816 --> 00:16:50,085
Let's start cleaning.
431
00:16:50,151 --> 00:16:51,655
Okay, but just
to play it safe...
432
00:16:51,722 --> 00:16:56,063
Evil attic spirits,
by the light of my sage
433
00:16:56,130 --> 00:16:58,001
I banish you
to the neighbor's house!
434
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,138
You have no power here!
435
00:17:00,205 --> 00:17:02,544
[all scream]
436
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,079
Die! Die! Die!
437
00:17:04,146 --> 00:17:06,885
Jing, it's over. He's dead.
438
00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:10,425
[slowly]
Water.
439
00:17:10,492 --> 00:17:12,195
[both scream]
440
00:17:12,262 --> 00:17:14,968
Great, now I got to deal
with Marvin's stuff.
441
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,039
Who were you?
442
00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:19,109
38, 39, 40.
443
00:17:19,176 --> 00:17:20,980
Duncan,
we made our whole month.
444
00:17:21,047 --> 00:17:22,249
I'm gonna go buy
some patchouli oil
445
00:17:22,316 --> 00:17:23,986
from that woman over there
with no bra on.
446
00:17:24,053 --> 00:17:25,990
Duncan, there you are.
447
00:17:26,057 --> 00:17:27,560
Told you he wasn't dead.
448
00:17:27,627 --> 00:17:31,100
Am I trippin', or is that guy
over there just a head?
449
00:17:31,167 --> 00:17:33,772
Just a head. God is good.
450
00:17:33,839 --> 00:17:35,008
Wonderful attitude.
451
00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:36,878
We missed you at the PSAT.
452
00:17:36,945 --> 00:17:38,047
Yeah, and you missed my rap
453
00:17:38,114 --> 00:17:39,751
about shading
in the whole bubble.
454
00:17:39,818 --> 00:17:40,653
Nope, you didn't.
455
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,358
Oh, yeah, well, I, uh,
skipped the test,
456
00:17:43,424 --> 00:17:45,061
and I'm really happy
I did, too.
457
00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:46,364
Living on the road
is so much cooler
458
00:17:46,430 --> 00:17:47,667
than having to deal
with school.
459
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,539
Why is that lie lightbulb
flashing?
460
00:17:50,606 --> 00:17:52,977
Oh, I'm just scamming chumps
with my uncle.
461
00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:54,714
[bell dings]
Scam!
462
00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:58,154
This is a farmers' market,
not a swap meet.
463
00:17:58,221 --> 00:18:00,191
Duncan, don't say
that out loud.
464
00:18:00,258 --> 00:18:02,362
You're screwing up our scam.
[all gasp]
465
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,400
Ah, great.
Look, now I've done it.
466
00:18:04,466 --> 00:18:05,970
Rip‐off!
467
00:18:06,037 --> 00:18:08,642
Quick, Duncan,
get to the van.
468
00:18:09,878 --> 00:18:11,815
[crowd clamoring]
469
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:12,917
Where are my keys?
470
00:18:12,984 --> 00:18:14,788
Looking for these?
471
00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:20,165
What are we gonna do?
Just be cool.
472
00:18:20,231 --> 00:18:22,335
[exhales deeply]
473
00:18:23,639 --> 00:18:27,479
I got him!
Mayor Jen, tough on crime!
474
00:18:27,547 --> 00:18:31,053
Honey, are you ready
to love us unconditionally?
475
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,057
[cell phone chimes]
476
00:18:33,124 --> 00:18:35,328
[party horn blows]
477
00:18:35,395 --> 00:18:36,765
Duncan needs me!
478
00:18:36,832 --> 00:18:39,269
Duncan made his choice.
We like living here.
479
00:18:39,336 --> 00:18:41,173
Turn around.
No time. Got to go.
480
00:18:43,044 --> 00:18:45,716
[laughs evilly]
481
00:18:45,783 --> 00:18:48,354
You know, it really does
look nicer in here.
482
00:18:48,421 --> 00:18:50,091
Yeah.
Uh‐huh.
483
00:18:50,158 --> 00:18:51,360
Very nice.
484
00:18:51,427 --> 00:18:53,397
Ooh, why are you so strong?
485
00:18:53,464 --> 00:18:56,137
We are a civil democracy.
486
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,974
Now, how should we kill him?
487
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,944
Draw and quarter his ass.
488
00:19:00,011 --> 00:19:01,147
Make him live my life!
489
00:19:01,213 --> 00:19:02,182
Cut off his head
490
00:19:02,249 --> 00:19:05,188
and give his body
to someone who deserves it.
491
00:19:05,255 --> 00:19:07,125
[tires screeching]
492
00:19:07,192 --> 00:19:09,798
[grunting]
493
00:19:09,864 --> 00:19:11,367
Mommy, protect me!
494
00:19:11,433 --> 00:19:12,870
I'm so sorry. I don't want to
turn out like Uncle Stan.
495
00:19:12,937 --> 00:19:14,439
I swear if I could do it over,
I'd take that stupid test.
496
00:19:14,507 --> 00:19:16,511
You really mean that?
Yeah, I swear.
497
00:19:16,578 --> 00:19:19,082
I'd take it right now
if you could make 'em stop.
498
00:19:19,149 --> 00:19:20,519
And cut!
499
00:19:20,586 --> 00:19:23,191
Great job, everybody. Whoo!
500
00:19:23,257 --> 00:19:24,493
And that's a wrap
501
00:19:24,561 --> 00:19:26,998
on Operation:
Duncan's Dumb Decision.
502
00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:28,367
What?
503
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,038
When you said you didn't
want to go to college,
504
00:19:30,104 --> 00:19:33,779
I needed to show you what life
with no future looked like.
505
00:19:33,846 --> 00:19:36,651
The best example of that
was your Uncle Stan.
506
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,256
So she texted me
on my prepaid cell phone,
507
00:19:39,323 --> 00:19:40,593
and I figured I owed her
508
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:43,264
for that subprime‐mortgage
thing I got them into.
509
00:19:43,331 --> 00:19:45,401
And if I could help
you not wind up like me,
510
00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:47,105
maybe I won't go to hell.
511
00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:48,140
I said "maybe."
512
00:19:48,207 --> 00:19:49,409
When did you call him?
513
00:19:49,476 --> 00:19:50,779
Remember when I pretended
514
00:19:50,846 --> 00:19:54,019
to add your test
to the family calendar?
515
00:19:54,086 --> 00:19:55,221
No.
Well, whatever.
516
00:19:55,288 --> 00:19:56,123
That's when I did it.
517
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:58,595
Wait, but I already
missed the PSAT.
518
00:19:58,662 --> 00:20:00,633
Au contraire,
the test hasn't happened.
519
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,835
It's next week.
520
00:20:01,902 --> 00:20:04,339
But all those kids
were sitting in the classroom.
521
00:20:04,406 --> 00:20:06,176
Listen, we can answer
questions all day.
522
00:20:06,243 --> 00:20:08,080
Bottom line
is we were all in on it.
523
00:20:08,147 --> 00:20:09,784
Everybody?
524
00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:13,592
We just want the best
for you, Duncan.
525
00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:15,729
Because we're a community,
526
00:20:15,796 --> 00:20:18,434
a community
that's one dropout away
527
00:20:18,502 --> 00:20:20,606
from being named
Travel Channel's dumbest town
528
00:20:20,673 --> 00:20:21,473
in America.
529
00:20:21,541 --> 00:20:23,411
Not everybody was in on it.
530
00:20:23,477 --> 00:20:26,551
Annie, how could you not tell
your own family?
531
00:20:26,618 --> 00:20:28,454
Actually, Dad,
Jing and I knew.
532
00:20:28,522 --> 00:20:29,757
I'm an actress.
533
00:20:29,824 --> 00:20:32,730
So the only one
who didn't know was me?
534
00:20:32,797 --> 00:20:35,502
Oh, come on, Jack,
you know you would've blabbed,
535
00:20:35,569 --> 00:20:37,773
and I needed you
to clean that dang attic.
536
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,512
You scammed me!
What can I say?
537
00:20:40,579 --> 00:20:42,115
It's in my blood.
538
00:20:42,182 --> 00:20:43,384
Wow, Mom.
539
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,056
You turned the whole town
against me for me?
540
00:20:46,123 --> 00:20:50,398
Oh, honey, I would turn
the whole world against you
541
00:20:50,465 --> 00:20:52,670
if that's what it took.
542
00:20:54,439 --> 00:20:56,110
You weren't part
of this, Daddy.
543
00:20:56,176 --> 00:20:57,780
I know.
544
00:20:58,582 --> 00:21:04,126
So there's a hole
in your skull
545
00:21:04,192 --> 00:21:05,796
where I can touch your brain?
546
00:21:05,863 --> 00:21:06,798
Sure, give it a shot.
547
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:10,104
It's what the doctor said
not to do.
548
00:21:10,171 --> 00:21:12,242
Get in there. Scramble it up.
549
00:21:12,308 --> 00:21:14,514
Fun are brain holes.
550
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:16,751
I want to try!
Then me!
551
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,724
Your brother's unfused skull
is not a toy!
552
00:21:19,791 --> 00:21:22,395
It's not fair!
Kimberly got to do it!
553
00:21:22,462 --> 00:21:23,497
I no mind.
554
00:21:23,565 --> 00:21:25,536
See? He no mind.
555
00:21:25,602 --> 00:21:27,640
Fine. Everybody.
556
00:21:28,474 --> 00:21:30,779
I love family.
557
00:21:30,829 --> 00:21:35,379
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