Original subtitles

Why is there a grizzly bear on the cereal box?

Ooh, is it made from bears?

No, Crash.

And those cookies you like aren't made from elf meat.

Oh. You ruin everything.

[groaning]

I feel a bad stomach flu coming on.

It isn't gonna hit me today.

It's gonna incubate till...

Friday.

That's a very specific illness.

What can I say, Mom? I'm in tune with my body.

Yeah. I've heard his body make some nasty tunes.

That's why I wear an air freshener.

[sniffs]

[sighs]

So your slowly approaching stomach flu has nothing to do with the fact

that Tug Fly "The Bug Guy" is coming to your school?

Who's Tug Fly "The Bug Guy"?

He's a local portland celebrity

who has a huge collection of creepy crawlers

and Wyatt nibblers.

[laughing]

Bernstein, are you afraid of bugs?

No. I'm not afraid of anything.

I'll swim with sharks, I'll run with bulls,

I'll even breathe in your morning breath.

[exhales]

Oh! Were you built upside down?

So what made you scared of a tiny, hairy, multi-eyed,

disease carrying creature that bites?

I'm not scared.

It happened one night, right before halloween.

Boring!

Get to the bug part.

Guys, we advertised a haunted house.

I don't see anything scary here.

What do you call...

these?

Rubber cockroaches.

You gave me a 45 cent bug budget.

If you want scary, we're talking paper money.

Check out these bloody worms.

That's just leftover spaghetti.

Look, there's a piece of garlic bread in it.

That's to keep away vampires.

Oh, and who isn't afraid of a chocolate spider?

No, that's my tarantula!

Aah!

[both screaming]

Why are you screaming?

We're all out of grizzly flakes!

Grizzly flakes!

No!

Why? Why? Why?

♪ Let me tell you about the Bernsteins ♪

♪ Yo, I'ma let you finish ♪

-♪ But ding-dong ♪ -♪ Who's that? ♪

♪ Yo, it's Crash at the door ♪

♪ Don't wait for you to open Kick it down hard core ♪

♪ A purple with a 'tude Where your mom hide the food? ♪

-♪ In the fridge ♪ -♪ I'ma eat it then we tear it up, dude

♪ No make-up or feelings Tea parties or dolls ♪

♪ Now it's ninjas and football ♪

-♪ And face slams ♪ -♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein ♪

♪ What he said ♪

♪ It's war against awesome But awesome's gotta soar ♪

-♪ I'll be grounded forever ♪ -♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bernstein Crash and Bernstein ♪

-♪ Crash and Bern... ♪ -♪ I said "Stein" ♪

♪ What he said ♪

[chuckles]

I hear Tug Fly is awesome.

My brother said last year

he brought a beetle that could break a pencil.

[scoffs] Dude, I can break a pencil.

[straining]

[grunting]

Yeah. Plus,

the beetle could roll its dung into a huge ball.

Psh. I can do that too.

[straining]

No! No.

You don't have to show me.

I believe you.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Wyatt, you gotta take me to see the Bug Guy on Friday!

I'm not going to that assembly.

I plan on staging a minor woodshop accident.

Which one of my fingers is the least important?

You can't miss bug day.

Yeah. I could understand

missing climb the Rope Day,

but bugs don't taunt you for not getting past the first knot.

A real man isn't afraid of anything.

Obviously you haven't seen my grandpa's toenails.

They look like corn chips.

Bernstein, you learned this fear and I can help you unlearn it.

Lucky for you I was born with the power of purple.

-I can cure you. -Okay.

Is there a man here today

with a fear of bugs?

Yeah, Crash. It's me.

We all know that.

Yes. Yes.

Wyatt Bernstein,

on my command,

you will be free of your fear of bugs.

-Fear be gone! -Ow!

-Did it work? -No.

Oh. Let me...

think of something else here.

Um...

-Fear be gone! -Ow!

What do you know? I'm cured.

Yeah!

-Come here, buddy. Yeah. -All right.

Crash be gone!

[grunts]

[screaming on the computer]

Looks pretty scary.

Yeah. Natalie said it was the scariest movie

she's ever seen.

She couldn't sleep for four days and might need therapy.

I can't wait to see it.

Can I go with you?

You're too young. It'll give you nightmares.

Plus, I don't want a repeat of shark week.

I'm sorry I clubbed Wyatt.

Hey, Mom. Can I go see a movie all my friends are seeing?

It's only a tiny bit scary.

You know the rule. First I have to see it,

then decide if you can go. What's it called?

Bloody Butcher 2: Chop House of Gore.

Wait, isn't that the movie being boycotted

by both the Church and the Meat Advisory Board?

Do I really have to watch that?

It's your rule, Mom. Nobody asked you to be a good parent.

Fine. I'll go see it tomorrow.

Can I go if she goes?

I can take it.

I don't think so, honey. The shark?

Oh. Oh, Mrs. B, Mrs. B--

So when you go to see Bloody Butcher 2, can I go with you?

It's based on my favorite telenovela .

I'm not going to see that piece of trash. I just told Amanda I was.

[gasps] You lied?

Save your judgment. Sometimes lying is just part of being a parent.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

In that case, I was just being a parent

when I said I didn't break this frame.

[glass shatters]

[laughs]

You are getting sleepy.

No, I'm getting dizzy.

Wait for me to finish.

You are getting sleepy

and dizzy.

Now...

look into my eyes.

Your eyelids are getting heavy.

And you are asleep!

Listen to my voice.

You will make Crash sandwiches

whenever he desires.

You will loan Crash money

and not make him pay you back.

Now...

Wake up!

You're all cured, buddy. You know what sounds good right now?

A sandwich,

or a loan of 1,000 dollars.

Yes, master.

I keep the money under the rug.

[chuckles]

Oh!

I wasn't even hypnotized. And you forgot to mention bugs.

All right, Bernstein. You got me.

Well played.

So what rug do you keep the sandwiches under?

You guys are hopeless.

When I was scared of thunderstorms,

Mom just sang me a song.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Crash isn't gonna sing a song about--

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ I'm Mr. Inchworm ♪

♪ Inching along ♪

♪ Measuring this bed ♪

♪ And singing this song ♪

♪ While you sleep I'll crawl in your ear ♪

♪ And lay my eggs to calm your fear ♪

♪ Then my babies will hatch ♪

♪ And eat your brain ♪

♪ And giggle while you writhe in pain ♪

That's not helping.

Yeah, Crash.

Obviously that song is disturbing Wyatt.

Sing it again.

Whatever. I got another idea.

Earlier today I put a bug in this jar.

Crash, there's no bug in that jar.

Hmm.

There's no lid on that jar! Crash, you have to find that bug.

Relax, Bernstein.

It was just a ladybug.

Aah! Scorpion!

Mom!

I thought you said it was just a ladybug.

It's a lady scorpion.

Don't worry, Bernstein. You're safe.

[chuckles]

I'll put this jar on your desk.

Okay. Goodnight, Crash.

Goodnight, Bernstein.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm a little scorpion ♪

♪ I can open jars-- ♪

Not helping!

Sorry.

Good morning.

Look, buddy. You're cured.

You spent the whole night covered in bugs.

Crash?

Tell me they're fake.

I can't. I already told them that you're fake.

Relax, the scorpion's still in its jar.

Oh.

No, it isn't.

Here, ladybug.

Here, ladybug.

The hissing means they like me, right?

Aah!

I'm sure she'll turn up.

Great job, Crash.

I used to be annoyed by bugs,

but now I'm freaking out!

I don't know why you're scared of bugs. They can't hurt you.

I got bit on the finger and I'm fine.

Fine?

Crash, your hand is not fine. It's huge!

You're right. Only one thing to do.

Take me to Mount Rushmore!

I'm going to pick Teddy Roosevelt's nose.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, come on ♪

Hey.

[screams]

I mean... hey.

You want some eggs?

Why are you so jumpy? Anything you want to tell me?

Like maybe about a movie you saw?

How did you find out?

Your friend posted a picture of you vomiting in your purse.

Really?

How did my hair look?

Better than your purse.

I wish I'd never gone to see that movie.

I keep seeing that guy popping up out of nowhere.

Like this?

[screams]

[screams]

Are you okay?

Yeah. We were playing a game of who could scream loudest.

I won.

Hey, Mom, did you ever go see that scary movie?

Because Amanda can't see it until you do.

Yes. I did see Bloody Baker 2.

You mean Bloody Butcher ?

Yes. It was so scary I-I forgot the name.

[clears throat]

So, um...

I'm sorry, but you can't see it.

Okay.

That's it? No fight?

No telling me I'm the worst mom in the world?

Maybe some other time.

Hey, Mom. We should have sloppy joes for dinner.

All that freshly ground blood red meat?

Yum.

I gotta go.

Mom, you'd better hide your purse.

-Hey, check out my meat hook! -Aah!

That's quite a bite.

Okay. Let's take a listen to your heart.

[conga music playing]

It's a little irregular, but catchy.

Okay.

Let's check your reflexes.

Okay.

Ow!

Why don't you try the other knee?

[yells]

Okay.

Delayed reflex on right knee.

Good left cross.

Okay. Let me look in your ears.

Wyatt? Is that you?

What's up, doc?

Now, the swelling in your hand is just a reaction to the bite.

I'll give you a shot and you'll be fine.

However I don't know how long before you return to a normal color.

What's a shot?

Oh, it's no big deal.

It's like a pinch.

You'll barely even feel it.

[scary music]

[screams]

Come on. I thought you said that real men weren't afraid of anything.

That was before Dr. Stabby came at me with the ice pick.

Hold him down.

No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Now, now, now.

Pay no attention to the needle.

Concentrate on my mustache.

No. No!

No, no, no. [muttering]

It's like I'm skating.

I must be dreaming.

Cool.

-Isn't it wonderful? -[screams]

Whoa.

Thank goodness it's you, baby.

Things were getting a little weird.

Aah!

[screams]

Aah!

Aah! [screams]

[screaming]

[panting]

Oh boy.

All that running sure made me thirsty.

[humming]

[screams]

[gasps]

Oh. Bernstein?

I just had the craziest dream.

[scary music]

No!

[grunts]

Bernstein? Bernstein?

I just had the craziest--

Wait. I'm not falling for that again.

Mustache attack!

Crash, what's your problem?

I'm pretty sure it's mustaches.

Aah!

Crash. Let me in.

I checked. There are no mustaches anywhere in the apartment.

That's exactly what a mustache would say.

[grunts]

[gasps]

Crash, I really don't think you want to stay in this room

for the rest of your life.

It's not safe out there.

There are three mustaches on this floor alone.

The Ruiz brothers and Mrs. Mandola.

You can't let some ridiculous fear of facial hair ruin your life.

What about your dream of becoming a motorcycle cop?

[scoffs] You should talk.

Don't you have to go write a note to the nurse

so you can get out of Bug Day?

Oh yeah? Well, you know what?

I'll make you a deal.

I'll go to school tomorrow to see the Bug Guy

if you man up and leave the apartment and come with me.

But you hate bugs.

That's what brothers do for each other.

Really?

So there've been other brothers in history where one's afraid of bugs

and the other's afraid of mustaches

and they go to a school assembly

to help them conquer their individual fears?

I guess in some parallel universe

there could be two brothers with the exact same fears.

[laughs] Those dudes are losers.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Losers.

Yeah.

Yeah. Pow!

Honey, are you okay?

Mm-mm.

You look freaked out.

Did you drop your cell phone in the toilet again?

Mm-mm.

-Someone wore the same blouse as you? -Mm-mm.

Help me out here, Amanda. What else do you care about?

Cleo?

What are you doing eating barbecue for breakfast?

Why?

Does Amanda want some?

Get that away from me!

I can't take this anymore.

How can you be so calm after seeing Bloody Butcher 2 ?

I'm a wreck.

Wait, you saw the movie after I told you not to?

Yes. I'm sorry, I should have never gone.

I'm the worst kid and you're the best mom.

I can't believe you went to see that movie for me.

Well...

a mother does those things for her children.

I can't stop thinking about that cheerleader.

I know. That poor girl.

It was a guy! It's like you didn't even--

[gasps] You didn't see the movie!

You lied to me.

Mine was more a harmless fib, unlike yours which was--

Okay, we both lied.

I'm very disappointed in both of you.

Give me your phones!

We're all clear.

-No mustaches. -Oh, good.

Let's sit in the back and play it cool, huh?

Good. If any bugs get loose, they'll have to eat six kids

before they get to me.

Hey, kids.

I'm Tug Fly "The Bug Guy".

But you can call me Tug,

or Mr. The Bug Guy.

[laughing]

Sometimes tells me there's no Mrs. The Bug Guy.

[laughing]

Hey, look at you making jokes. I'm proud of you. High five.

I need a volunteer. Okay, you with your hand up.

I wasn't raising my hand.

Are you calling me a liar?

No.

Don't be shy. Come on up. Come on, show him some support.

-[applause] -You can do it, Bernstein.

All right, I would like to introduce to you all

the very rare Peruvian

slimy millipede.

Ooh.

Yes. It's completely harmless.

Unless it smells fear.

And it has a very keen sense of smell.

-Whoa. This wasn't part of the deal. -There you go.

Now, in Peru, these millipedes are considered good luck.

Although they haven't exactly helped old Tug at the track.

I tell you that.

Hey, this isn't bad at all.

It kind of tickles.

He-he's doing it.

I'm so proud of him.

If Bernstein can overcome his fear of bugs,

I can overcome my fear.

[gasps]

Mustache!

-[grunts] -[yells]

[screaming]

[laughs]

I'm getting a faint pulse.

Oh, not this one!

Not this one!

Way to go, Bernstein. You beat your fear.

Yeah. I guess I did.

You showed up a scared boy,

but stared danger in the face and became a man.

And as a man, some day, you will grow a mustache.

Until that day, we are friends.

[groaning]

-[scary music] -[screams]

Oh, hey, Mrs. B.

I'm making a PB and J. Want half?

[screams]

Relax, it's just a sandwich.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little on edge.

I just saw a horrible movie about a horrible butcher

who does horrible things

because I am a good parent!

[sobbing]

It's sticky.

♪ Crash and Bern , hard core ♪

♪ Bass, bass ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ Crash and Bern ♪

♪ Tear it up, dude ♪

♪ Good call ♪

♪ Crash and Bern Crash and Bern ♪

-♪ I said, "Stein" ♪ -♪ What he said ♪