Original subtitles

Previously on Californication:

I want some fucking girls and some fucking drugs.

Drugs.

I decided to go abroad for an indeterminate amount of time.

I want to make a literary pilgrimage.

How did you even know where I was just now?

Oh, I tracked your iPhone.

That's really fucking weird, Ophelia.

You know chlorine kills 99.9 percent of the sperm, right?

Fine, I'll get a condom.

Hank, what's up?

I want you to meet Gabriel.

You were sucked off by your sponsor.

Our daughter wants to go on a literary pilgrimage.

What kind of malignant fucking asshole wouldn't indulge that sort of behavior?

We should let her go.

What are you gonna do? You gonna slap me again?

Woman, you are a fucking fruitcake.

Oh, my God. Ophelia.

I had to create Atticus Fetch.

And now I have to kill him before he kills me.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, that was a short-lived mid-life career change.

We're foreplaying here, Charlie.

Not anymore.

Charlie Runkle, more irritating than shit on a shoe.

Atticus has quit the business.

His wife is divorcing him.

He's pulling out of the musical. He's canceling his world tour.

Bummer. Both of those disappointed fans.

Fuck the fans. This is gonna cost him tens of millions of dollars.

But no, no, no.

He wants to concentrate on his sobriety and enlightenment.

He's at fucking Happy Endings.

- Listen, do you think maybe...? - No, Charlie.

- You don't know what I'll say. - You'll ask me to talk to him.

- Would you, please? - No, can't do it. Won't do it.

- He will. We'll talk to him. - What...? Why, woman?

Because Happy Endings is no place for anyone's sobriety or enlightenment.

I said that. You negged me for being negative.

Well, who's being negative now?

I'm not sure.

Atticus Fetch made some great fucking music at one time.

And if you were great once, you can be great again.

Come on, let's help this phoenix rise from the ashes.

It'll be so much fun.

I promise.

Oh, God.

I feel so inspired. I'm gonna go jerk off.

- Run, save yourself. - Oh, come on.

- That shit'll stain your ears. - I can't unhear that kind of shit.

Quiet, please.

- I'm in the gap. - Oh, that's cool.

Can you pick me up a polo and a pair of chinos? I'll pay you back.

The gap is the space between my thoughts, Hank.

So you're forgoing millions of quatloos to explore your mental taint?

I don't wanna make music anymore. What's the fucking point, really?

I just want to...

I just wanna garden.

How are you gonna keep Air Force 69 in the sky gardening?

I'll fly coach...

Business.

That is if I fly at all anymore.

I don't see why I would ever leave this place.

What about the fans?

What fans?

You said it yourself, Hank. I'm a fucking dinosaur.

Yeah, but dinosaurs are cool.

You've seen a velociraptor, right? It's pretty bad-ass.

Atticus, you're one of the most iconic artists in rock history.

You're just going through a blue period.

I appreciate it, dear girl.

But I should've done the world a favor and died young.

Flash him.

I'm sorry, I find no joy in objectifying women anymore.

It's not fun, and it's not funny.

This is worse than I thought. Your tits are powerless.

You're upsetting him.

What? The guy's practically lobotomized.

I said you could visit, but you're getting him riled up. He's very fragile.

The perfect time for you to swoop in and get all blowjobby with him.

You should thank me.

Speaking of such things, do you have any idea where Richard is?

- Didn't you go to Fist? - I did, yes.

They said that he doesn't work there anymore.

Nice place, huh?

Like Disneyland.

You're a complicated individual, aren't you?

The heart wants, Hank.

- Gabriel? - Yes?

This encounter has me feeling like I'd really like to use drugs.

Well, Hank has that effect on people. Let's talk about it in my office. Leave now.

You gotta quit cogitating, bitch.

Becca is gonna be fine.

Road trip is a rite of passage.

You gotta have a little faith in the girl.

Don't say that word, "faith."

Oh, Jesus, trouble walking. Look away.

Look away. Look away.

- Ladies? - Ophelia.

What's up, crazy?

I would like to invite you to my house for lunch.

Oh, God. You know what? I gotta...

I gotta help my daughter.

- She's going on a road trip... - Yeah, I wasn't inviting you, Karen.

Oh, okay.

- What...? - Good luck.

- Oh, it's like that? - Yeah, I think... Yeah.

I have never been able to penetrate...

that woman's dysfunctional relationship to men.

She is just a lost cause.

But you, you are still impressionable.

And I owe you a big apology.

Hey, you know what, O? Just... Let's forgive and forget.

Please, Marcy, I really wanna make it up to you.

You know, I don't wanna leave it like this. I really don't, please.

Pretty please?

I know where you live, Marcy.

That's why it's so important to live first.

Write later.

Pen, paper, laptop... That shit doesn't matter.

The only tool you need is right here between your legs.

Use it every chance you get.

Do not deny yourself, children. Follow every instinct.

Then sit down and write about it.

But do not get up until you expose yourself.

Thank you, children.

Thank you. Go forth.

Go forth.

- Batesy. - Oh, my God, Hank.

How you doing, Batesy?

Thank you for that. That was lovely. Batesy, this is Faith.

- Faith. What a beauty you are. - Hello.

- He's very friendly, super handsy. - A friendly boy.

Look at you two.

Dr. Kinsey would be very confused by my meter reading right now.

That's... That's a compliment.

Oh, these are my teaching assistants, Rodrigo and Gabriela.

Give us a moment, kittens, go warm the bed.

Unless you two care to join us.

- No time for pansexual shenanigans. - Rain check. Time crunch.

- We have a favor to ask though. - Oh, anything, you know that.

We need to sneak some drugs into rehab.

That sounds fun. How can I help?

You can distract Gabriel.

Gabriel, oh, my gosh, that dear boy.

That does sound like an adventure. Let's do it.

Listen, once again, Marcy, I apologize.

My behavior was childish and uncalled for.

You know what, man? It's okay.

There was no permanent damage.

And at the very least, it was funny watching Runks piss himself, right?

Marcy?

I have a confession to make.

- I'm scared. - Don't be.

If you could look into my heart right now...

if you could see the expanse of feelings that I have for you...

you wouldn't be afraid.

Well, when you put it that way, I think I'd be fucking terrified.

Don't you dare belittle me.

Okay, you know, probably time for me to go, Ophelia.

- Wait, don't. - Thanks for the grub.

Please. Please, don't.

I'm sorry, Ophelia, but you're just a wee bit too intense for me.

I know, I know.

It's this lifestyle that I've chosen for myself.

I'm so lonely.

Well, I hate to say it, Ophelia, but methinks you need to get laid.

I think you're right.

Well, that's so great. Let me set you up with someone.

What about Stu?

Dude's a sweetheart, he's hung like a fucking hog and he's got big balls.

Marcy, that is disgusting.

And he cheated on you.

Yeah, he cheated on me, not you.

Oh, you are not getting the point.

I want you.

Okay, okay.

So you are a dyke. Why didn't you say so?

- I am totally cool with that shit. - I'm not a lesbian, Marcy.

I just love you.

Oh, fucksticks.

I want you to be my first, Marcy...

Aside from the Puerto Rican who fouled my anus when I was 23.

Okay, that's really flattering, Ophelia.

And I've been with women, and that can be really hot and everything.

But I just don't think that you and me have that kind of chemistry.

Well, that's disappointing.

So you'll just spread your legs for every snake in the garden...

but you won't even consider my precious flower?

Yeah, pretty much. Sorry.

Wait, Marcy, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

I understand.

You do?

I'm glad. Okay.

- Okay, so thank you for coming. - Okay.

And let's do this again.

Sure.

Thank you.

I've got you, my darling.

For God's sake, put them in the right order this time. Red, pink.

And you can just bend over, and you can plant those impatiens. That's great.

Maybe pull some of those weeds out...

No, no, no. You need to leave now.

You are endangering the sober happiness of everyone...

- Richard. - Gabriel, my dear boy.

I feel like a child on Christmas morning. Thank you so much.

You're welcome, Gabe-y baby. We just need to talk to Atticus for a minute.

- Yeah, sure, do whatever you want. - Thank you.

Come to Papa.

Come to Papa.

Yes.

It's been too long, my friend.

Now what?

- Hank. - Hello, rapist. We meet again.

- Hey, whoa. - Feed me some fucking inches, dude...

- ...right fucking now. - No. Tweaker chick, be cool.

What are you looking at, skank? You think you're better than me?

No, not better, just different.

I'll poke your eyes out and do a puppet show with your balls.

- That's sweet. - Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

I love you.

We'd like to speak with you privately.

Anything you have to say to me can be said in front of the group.

These people are my friends...

fellow soldiers in the war against substance abuse.

Not this.

Then I'm afraid you won't be talking to me today.

Get off of me, you fucking fucks!

- Stop, wait. - This is so mean.

Why are you doing this to me?

What happened to you? You used to be decadence incarnate.

Yeah, well, but look where that got me. My immortal beloved left me.

No, she left because you were fucking other women.

- The drugs made me do it. - No, the drugs did not make you do it.

You made you do it.

Me made me do that.

Me made me do it.

Atticus, there is nothing wrong with a little recreational occasional drug use...

or fucking anyone that wants to fuck you right back.

You are a rock star.

You deserve it and more.

You have my attention.

I've looked up to you for years, Atticus.

I'm quite possibly your biggest fan.

In fact, I was just about to hit the road and follow you from show to show.

This is not just about me.

Think of all the fans out there. We have tickets to your shows.

We've been staying up late every night wondering what it'll be like to see you live.

What song will he open with?

What will the stage look like?

Well, I'm opening for Marilyn Manson, so it won't be as elaborate as usual.

- That's a killer double bill. - Technically we're co-headlining.

But he closes the show every night, which makes him the headliner.

I remember when that cocky teabagging motherfucker opened for me.

Use this as an opportunity to show these kids how it's done.

Don't be a fucking quitter. It's unbecoming.

Call it a comeback.

Oh, child.

Tell me, what song would you like me to open with?

What would please you, sweet, sweet child?

"Step and Fetch it."

- "Step and Fetch it." - Well, obviously.

Obviously.

- Come on. That's a no-brainer. - You're making a lot of sense right now.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to sacrifice my hard-won sobriety just yet...

but we should talk further...

over a glass of wine.

What is it, pig?

- Is Marcy here? - No.

Are you sure? Because...

She was here. She was, okay?

She left ten minutes ago.

Okay, well...

her car is still here.

Okay, I give up. I'm done lying.

Come in.

You're not gonna Tase me again, are you?

No, of course not.

What is it? I'm in the middle of something.

You have to see this for yourself, sir.

Can't imagine what the commotion is.

Jesus on the mount.

Somebody call the police.

Oh, nonsense, son.

When in Rome.

Come on, Gabe-y baby, all the cool kids are doing it.

Hello.

It's the right thing to do, Gabriel.

Just treat yourself. You've been a good boy, kitten.

You've been a very good boy.

Take a bite out of that peach.

Let the juice dribble down your chin.

Come on.

Boys and girls, meet Ginger.

Ginger.

Marcy?

Marcy, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just I'm really pissed at that crazy bitch.

That Tasing shit really fucking hurts.

I know, right?

This is my third time.

Thanks for coming to get me, Runks.

Of course.

I got your text. I really freaked out.

Well, I guess with all this time and all the punani in between...

you still love me, huh?

Yes, I do.

Very much so.

And I guess I still love you, you dumb fuck.

Whoa, stop the clock. You do?

After we called it quits, things got all weird and pear-shaped.

And then I took that crazy fucking detour with Stu.

And we had some good times, but nothing felt right ever since.

That's exactly how I feel.

And you're right, you know? It was fun. Because, man, I mean...

- ...some of the sex that I've had... - Don't.

- Don't press your luck, Charlie. - Right.

Right, sorry.

And this little piggy had none.

No!

- No! - Ophelia! Ophelia!

Why the fuck did you chain me up next to this fucking worm?

You know that I hate his fucking guts.

Oh, Marcy.

That's the spirit. You know what?

I was gonna fucking chop off his pathetic little fucking excuse for a penis...

and feed it to my cats.

- But maybe you should do it. - Yeah, maybe I should.

I'll cut it off. I'll eat it myself.

- Okay? - I got a better idea.

Let's make soup out of it.

- Fuck yeah. Cock soup. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay.

- There you go. - Oh, yeah, okay.

That's great. That's really good.

I'm not gonna cut his dick off, you crazy bitch.

And being a fucking feminist is not about castrating men, you kooky cunt.

It's about learning to coexist with these dumb fucks.

And sucking a dick every once in a while...

is not about surrendering your fucking "she-ness."

Which isn't even a word.

And your books are unreadable.

That was a very beautiful speech, Marcy.

You're a very strong and beautiful woman.

And you should be fucking lucky...

you made any cash off of them at all.

Oh, fuck!

That fucking hurts!

Damn it.

Oh, Jesus, that was fun.

- Oh, my God. - Can I try?

- No. - What?

Okay, just once. We don't wanna kill her.

Just do one more... Okay.

- That is fun. - It worked.

- I'm gonna do it one more time. - On the toe.

I don't know.

What happened to you guys?

Ophelia Robins chained me to a radiator in my prannies.

- What? - Excellent, continue.

And then Runks rescued me, kind of, sort of.

Oh, that is so romantic.

- My man. - I know, right? And...

We're getting married.

- No! - The Runkles!

- Well, remarried. - No, you're not.

I need you on tour with me, fucker.

- Thought the tour was off. - Not anymore.

I'm back on drugs and I'm better than ever.

Yeah, he is.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

- So I will take a day off to get remarried. - No.

I tell you what I will do though, for both of you.

I'll fucking marry you fuckers on the stage at the Greek.

I'm a licensed minister.

Of course you are.

What do you think?

Fuck yeah. Why not?

Then you can bring your spunky little fuck bunny on the road with us.

And I can finish eating that chocolate bar out of her sweet little girly bits.

- Okay. Okay. - It's good to be the king.

- You guys are coming? - What?

On tour. We gotta keep writing this musical.

I write incredibly well on tour.

I find it inspiring.

Sounds like an adventure.

Think about it, and then say yes.

I'm gonna go to bed and show this dedicated fan girl...

what it's like to be penetrated by a ginger god.

No, you are gonna see what it's like to get raped by a tweaker.

- Watch that, shit's intense. - Holy shit.

One of us is gonna bleed tonight, and it ain't gonna be me.

I can hardly wait.

I'm gonna miss you, squirt.

I'll miss you too, Dad.

- But it's time to go. - Yeah.

- I need a change of scenery. - I know that feeling.

So hit the road.

What's keeping you?

The truth?

I guess I'm always hoping that your mom will take me back...

give me another chance.

Maybe that's your problem, Dad.

You see it as winning her back.

But there's no winning in this game.

You're not some white knight on a steed.

She's not some fairy-tale princess.

She's just as fucked up as you are...

and just as incredible.

- You know what's funny? - What?

You talk a good game about living, loving and fucking and fighting...

but this whole time, I've only seen you with that guy, troll doll.

Yeah, I can't seem to scrape him off my shoe.

That's like the beginning to every great love story I know.

He's one of the good guys, Dad.

He told me he loved me last night.

Of course he did.

What took him so long?

Does she have any allergies I should know about?

Penicillin and lameness.

I've failed to make an excellent impression on you, sir.

- Yeah. - But I really do enjoy your daughter.

I'm sorry. "Enjoy" sounds dirty. And I do enjoy her in that way.

- You know, like, sexually. - No.

But I'm really talking about the other way, you know? Like, I love her brain.

She's better than me and smarter than me.

And I'd like to support and nurture that for as long as she'll let me.

Sorry, I guess this is just my long-winded way of saying...

I'll take very good care of your daughter, sir.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

You better, or I'll rip that stupid fucking hair right out of your head.

I'm so proud of you.

Don't stand still.

Keep moving.

You wanna take a walk?

No.

I just wanna go back to my empty nest and cry.

- You want company? - No.

I think I need a solo cry.

Oh, that sounds kind of like code for rubbing one out.

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm just trying to keep it light.

I just can't believe she's gone.

She's not really gone, Karen.

She wants to be a writer...

which means she's gonna be unemployed for the next decade.

And then she's gonna have to move back home with one of us, preferably you.

Good.

Watching her go, I don't know, it kind of...

It kind of feels like the end of something.

Makes you wonder.

About?

If she was the only thing that was still keeping us together.