Original subtitles

Previously on Californication...

You have a magnificent body.

Do you think I have what it takes to be an actress?

Yes.

Eddie Nero said you got magic fingers.

I need your words.

Guess who's back in the picture?

Eddie fucking Nero!

I don't work for Stu and Marcy any more.

So, this whole thing isn't quite as inappropriate as it once was.

- What? - Will you read my screenplay?

I give it ten pages.

Hey. Can I come in?

It's Richard, you know, he won't stop drinking.

I think I made a terrible mistake, you know?

Hank, I woke up in a strange woman's bed.

I can't find my wedding ring. I'm fucked!

- Who's that? - It's my girlfriend.

- Holly. - Holly.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Whoa.

Hey. Hey!

- What the fuck? - Hey! Hey, hey!

You come to my home? How fucking dare you?

Batesy, Batesy! She's with me!

You can take your tramp and you can get the fuck out of my house!

Thank you for agreeing to break your fast with me this morning.

It's fine.

It's more than fine, young lady.

I know how particularly displeased you've been with your papa of late.

You haven't really given me much of a chance to think fondly of you, Papa.

Or even miss you, for that matter.

You've been around. A lot.

- Mucking with things. - I muck not.

Says the man responsible for the savage beating

my boyfriend suffered at the hands of some thug.

Nonsense, that was just an unfortunate misunderstanding.

And he's not a thug, he's an entrepreneur.

And a humanitarian.

And you know what they say,

"Whatever doesn't kill us makes us even more annoying."

Did you read his screenplay yet?

Is your mom still mad at me?

- What do you think? - On a scale of one to 10.

- 11. - I can get that down.

Did you read his screenplay yet?

What? I can't hear you.

- No, not yet. - Why? You promised.

There's just no upside, darlin'.

If I read it and it sucks,

then I have to endure his pathetic attempts and give him feedback.

The last young aspirant I gave notes to wound up in the hospital.

And if it's even remotely good,

why would I want to know that about him?

You see my dilemma here?

I'll never talk to you again.

You barely talk to me now.

I'll become a stripper.

I'll read it.

Tomorrow.

- Today. - Today.

You're fucking kidding me.

Rebecca!

This is why I hate coming here.

- That bad, huh? - It's that good.

- Really? - The writing is exceptional.

But that's not what pisses me off.

Well, that does piss me off.

I mean, where does that little douche get off

being even a halfway decent writer?

And where does he find time to write

when he has to tend to that fucking mop of hair?

Whoa, whoa, you're getting off-topic.

- Tell me more about the script. - Don't you even fucking dare, agent.

So, what's it about?

The whole fucking thing is about him. And Becca.

So?

So? It's very sexual, Karen. Very sexual.

And your point is?

It's also... It's very dirty.

And disturbing. And it's very, very sexual.

It's also disgusting, actually.

That's what it is, is disgusting.

Your entire literary aesthetic revolves around sex, so...

It does not.

- Does. - Doesn't.

You know what, I'm not gonna do this with you.

OK. Well, say what you will about my oeuvre,

but Tyler's script involves a young aspiring writer

who has a very down and dirty sexual relationship

with the daughter of a very successful novelist.

You're not that successful.

Oh, Karen, that is so funny.

I'm glad you still find time to emasculate me

while Rome is clearly burning.

I can always find time for that.

No, wait, no, wait! And this, and this.

The main character harbours fantasies about fucking

the extremely milfy mother of his girlfriend.

- Really? - How do you like them apples, Karen?

- How does that make you feel? - Good, actually.

Yeah.

- He's kind of hot. - You know what? It's not funny.

I am just so disgusted by your whole scene here.

- You're disgusted with my scene? - Yeah, I am.

How the fuck did that happen?

In my absence, your whole life has become this sexual playground.

Jesus! So what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna give him notes, or what are you gonna do?

Yeah, I'm gonna give him notes.

- I'm gonna give him notes. - OK.

But first I'm gonna see my daughter.

- Where is she? - She's at work.

I'm gonna go see her at work.

I got a bone to pick with her.

- Good luck with that. - All right, OK.

- Good. - Hey, hey, hey.

- How's Batesy? - Rehab.

Today's family day.

- Should be a hoot. - Awesome.

You still thinking about leaving him?

Really, Becca?

- What? - I'm troubled.

- You don't like it? - No, I don't like it.

- I don't like it one bit. - What don't you like about it?

Well, for one, it's very dirty. Very dirty.

So? Dirty is your thing, isn't it?

Whatever.

It also seems painfully autobiographical.

Dad, please, is everything you write the truth?

Or is it embellished?

Young aspiring writer seeks out daughter of very successful novelist

and proceeds to bed her? Sound familiar?

You're not that successful, Dad.

Jesus Christ, is nothing sacred?

Is this about sex?

Did you think I was never going to grow up

and have a sexual relationship with someone?

A father sure can hope.

Sometimes I think you wish

I stayed some asexual little goth Muppet creature forever.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Would you prefer I didn't enjoy sex?

Will you stop saying "sex"?

This is a place of business.

Yeah, and you're holding up the line.

This is not what I wanted for you, Becca,

to inspire some stupid, fucking mumblecore bullshit.

Just sit down with him. Give him your thoughts.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna give him my thoughts, all right.

I got his address. Look, right here.

Be gentle.

He talks a big game, but deep down, he's really just a sensitive artist.

Oh, uh-huh.

Uh, yeah, I'm gonna call him.

I will let him know. OK, bye.

- Hello, hello! - Ugh.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, and a very fine day to you, too.

What have I told you?

You don't piss on the losing class. That's rude.

I know, baby. Baby, he just brings it out in me.

Charlie, I'm sorry, I think what Marcy was trying to say is,

what the fuck are you doing here?

I was in the neighbourhood.

I thought it might be nice to lay eyes on my very own son.

Ha! You were in the neighbourhood?

That's bullshit. You wanted to lay eyes on Lizzie.

Well, you can't blame a man for that.

Oh, really, sweetheart?

You wanna go down this road?

You wanna sink the pink ever again in this lifetime?

Hey, hey, hey, remember what Dr Lawson said

- about using sex as a weapon. - I don't care.

Whoa, whoa, who's Dr Lawson?

Couples therapist.

Hey, there's no shame in workshopping your relationship.

Five minutes, Charlie.

OK? He needs a nap.

Otherwise, he's gonna be a fucking nightmare when we get back.

God damn it! Come on.

Motherfucker charges us if we're late.

Charlie, enjoy yourself.

Just keep your fucking hands off my Oscars.

Coming!

I don't like this thing with these stones.

I need a flat surface.

I'm sorry, Charlie. He just fell asleep.

Bummer.

Guess I'll just go, then.

No other reason for me to be here.

Yeah, you should go.

Yep.

I'll just be on my way.

See ya.

- Guest house? - I got a better idea.

- Hi, there! - Hi.

- I'm looking for Tyler. - Oh, he's at school,

or work, or somewhere. I'm not really sure.

Some mom I am, huh?

Any idea when he might be back?

No.

Hey?

Are you Hank Moody?

Yep, guilty.

It's so nice to meet you.

Becca is a doll.

Oh, I like to think so. Yeah.

I'm Lisa.

- Tyler's mom. - Oh, hey, Lisa.

Do you wanna come in?

- No, I... - Are you sure?

Yeah.

Cos I'm about to get really fucking high.

Oh.

Well, in that case.

Where's the man of the house?

Out and about.

We had a big fight.

About what?

Same old shit.

The drinking, the control issues.

Yeah, I hear that. That shit's universal.

Did you read Tyler's script?

Yes, I did.

It's very raw, isn't it?

Yeah, that's one way to put it.

You know, it's our fault.

Because we raised him in this very sexually free household.

- Yeah, about that. - Can you do me a favour?

Sure, but I can't promise anything.

Can I see your penis?

- Look, I know where this is going. - You do?

And you're a very beautiful woman.

And I'm very angry with Tyler

for defiling my daughter on the page.

But as much as I'd like to stick it to Tyler

and bang out his mom...

Sorry for being so charming.

I don't want to hurt my daughter.

That's cool, Hank.

I just wanted to see your cock.

I haven't seen one in a while and I like to study them.

Yeah? Well, what about Tyler's dad?

He can't... scratch that itch?

Not exactly.

What are we talking about here,

- a wheelchair situation? - No.

Penises are my passion.

Oh. Ooh.

Yikes.

Oh, all right. OK, all right.

All right, these are... These are yours.

The photos are mine.

Not the penises.

Right, I got it, I got it.

- OK. - So would you mind?

Well, I have been told I have a very pretty penis.

I'll be the judge of that.

Fla-dong.

Solid.

Solid?

Thanks, I guess.

He looks a lot cooler with some blood rushing through him.

What the fuck is going on here?

Oh, sweetie, it's nothing. It's just work.

We have one fight

and you go looking for dick!

You know what?

After I'm through with this piece of shit,

I'm gonna beat the fuckin' bi out of you

- once and for all, woman. - Wait! Wait, no!

- Please. - Come on!

- Please! - Come on!

Wait! He's Rebecca's father!

He's Hank Moody.

We love Becca!

Oh.

She's a doll! She's a doll!

Ah, God, I love fucking you.

God, I love fucking you, too.

I especially love fucking you in my ex-wife's marital bed.

Oh, understandably. But you should probably be quick about it,

cos they're gonna be back in a minute.

Don't think any woman's ever told me to be quick about it.

That's gonna make me...

Come.

Nicely done.

You see how long I last with you?

Yes, I have no complaints in that department.

Did you come?

No.

- How come? - It's not your problem, Charlie.

I didn't make you come.

This is totally my problem.

OK, well, um, I've been having money troubles.

I mean, Stu and Marcy pay OK,

but between my shitty car, acting lessons,

now I need head shots...

Head shots.

Done. My treat.

I can't let you do that, Charlie.

You just let me foul you.

I owe you one.

You're so sweet.

Oh, holy shit, they're home!

They're home.

God, I'm so hard right now.

Oh, God, I'm so hard right now.

Oh, God, yes, you are.

Drag that big boy.

Take out that fucking bat and hit me with it, bitch!

You know I will!

Yeah, let me see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh, God!

Why does couples therapy get me so worked up?

Ours is not to reason why, baby.

Ours is but to fuck each other's brains out.

- Yeah. Come on. - So I'll do.

Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute, wait.

What do you wanna play?

I don't know, what do you wanna play?

Ooh, ooh.

Let's do the one where Charlie is still your husband,

but he's upstairs in a wheelchair.

I like that one!

- Who are you? - I'm gonna be the contractor.

- Oh, yeah. - Uh...

Howdy, ma'am.

Uh, we're just about done for the day.

Oh, why, thank you very much.

You and your boys do such good work.

Yeah, I was sorry to see your bald husband's in a wheelchair.

Well, yes.

Times have been tough since the accident.

I bet ya he doesn't fuck you so good now.

- No. - No.

No. No.

It's just like a piece of overcooked penne between his legs.

- No! - But does he eat your pussy?

Well, he does try, but he doesn't get my spot.

Well, I got just the tool for that.

Take a look at that.

- Oh, my. Oh, my God. - Yep.

So that's what a dick's supposed to look like.

- No, no, no. - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, come on! Come on!

How much disrespect can one man take?

Oh, come on!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I just don't know how you deal with them growing up, these kids,

and becoming sexual beings, you know?

They're sexual beings from the moment they're born, Hank.

Yes.

Tyler, he was fixated on his penis from the get-go.

He was always, like, fucking tugging on that thing.

I have a photo series

that chronicles Tyler's penis from birth to now.

- Wanna see it, Hank? - No, not at all.

I think I'd rather see crime scene photos.

I think someone's a little uptight, huh, babe?

You don't have to worry about Becca, Hank.

She's experimenting in a very safe environment.

What does that mean exactly?

We encourage Tyler to bring his girlfriends here

instead of, you know, fucking 'em in secret

in the backseat of a car or some cheap motel room.

That's not making me feel any better.

Well, it should.

Because if the screams that are coming from that room are any indication...

That girl is clearly enjoying herself.

Still not helping.

Yeah, she is a beautiful girl, Hank.

Hey, would you consider letting us photograph you?

Oh. Oh.

Well, I'm flattered,

but I don't wanna end up in The Big Book of Cocks.

- Hey, Moms. - Oh, look, Tyler's home.

- My baby. - Oh, Jesus.

Whoa.

What, are you guys high again?

Hey, Hank.

What, are you here to beat me up for something?

Yeah, but only in the literary sense.

You ready for some notes?

Wow.

Come on, Lizzie.

I can't believe that you fucked your son's nanny

in his mother's bed! Ew!

I can't believe you play dirty, disrespectful sex games

involving your son's father!

I'm sorry about that, Charlie,

but that was one of the milder ones.

There are others?

What are they?

Well, uh, there's one where you just got fired,

and I play the boss who comes to console you,

but I end up fucking Marcy instead.

Oh, yeah, and there's the one that you play Charlie

and you just got the operation to make your dick bigger,

And I come to the hospital and I see it

- for the first time! - For the first time!

Charlie, I know it's very embarrassing,

but you don't have to worry about it

because you are having sex with Lizzie.

And this is fucking primo shit!

I mean, right on, bro.

Thank you, Stu.

Lizzie, I'm sorry about objectifying you there,

but you're just way out of his league.

No offence, Runkle.

No, I get it, she's totally out of my league.

I'll take it as a compliment.

OK, so if you're all done sucking each other's dicks,

can we get back to the business of firing Lizzie again?

OK, look.

We only had sex after you fired her the first time.

Then you rehired her.

It's very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube, Marcy.

Once it's out, it's just... It's... It's out.

I didn't mean for it to happen, Marcy.

It's just that Charlie's been very kind

during a very tough time in my life.

Oh, has it been tough, darling?

OK, look.

- Hey, come on! - Hey, hey, look. Look, wait!

I have a suggestion.

I think that we all feel a sexual tension between us.

- What? - What?

Charlie is trying to work his way into our sex life.

He's even eroticised the very bed

in which his ex-wife is now sharing with her new husband.

He's fucking his son's nanny, who happens to be young and beautiful,

threatens and delights all of us in some way.

OK, so what are you saying, Stuart?

You want us all to have a fucking orgy or something?

You know, I was thinking that we should all go

and talk this out with Dr Lawson.

But if you're thinking orgy,

I am totally down with that.

Fuckin' Jesus.

Oh, God.

Do you want me to go check on him, or am I fired?

Well, if you think you can get him to stop crying, yeah.

Your moms are pretty cool.

Yeah, they're all right.

Want to talk about your script?

Yeah, thanks for reading it. Um...

I have immense respect for you, Hank. I'm a huge fan.

Then why are you such an immense prick around me all the time?

Well, I didn't think you'd respect me if I was kissing your ass.

That's a good call.

But you... I don't get it.

You say you're a fan, you want me to read your shit,

and then you hand me a script

that's about your relationship with my daughter.

It's kind of hard for me to be objective about that, you know?

OK, look. When I found out that you were Becca's dad,

that's all it was about.

I was like, "Sure, I'll take a shot at Hank Moody's daughter."

You know? How fucking cool would that be?

I'm not proud of that, OK? But that's the brutal truth, right?

I just thought if I hung around her long enough,

that I'd get to meet you at some point, you know?

And the real kicker,

and it's the truest part of that whole fucking script,

is I fell in love with her, Hank.

Becca is amazing.

I like to think so.

She's the kind of girl a guy meets when he's too young,

and he fucks up because there's too much living left to do.

So, you're gonna have to forgive me for fucking up,

because I'm trying my best to not make that same mistake again.

You ready for some notes?

Yeah, absolutely, let's do it.

You sure? Last kid I gave notes to tried to off himself.

No, I think I can handle it.

All right.

Page one.

Why the fuck are you fading in?

OK.

Maybe he's not all bad.

He's not good or bad.

He's a work in progress, I guess.

Did you know he had two moms?

Debbie and Lisa? Sure.

Lisa asked me to be in The Big Book of Cocks.

- The sequel. Pictionary of penis. - OK, anything else?

Yeah, actually.

Um...

It's just the whole fucking parenting thing,

it's not getting any easier.

I just spent the afternoon with a couple of dykes

that know more about raising a child than I ever will.

You know what,

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself,

cos it's my job.

It's like we made this beautiful child,

and I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Maybe you should just

start enjoying her company, you know?

Don't judge it so much.

Maybe.

By the way, it looks like I owe you an apology.

- What? - I know.

That sounds like a foreign language to me.

You owe me an apology? Whatever for?

Well, Richard came clean about the whole stripper thing,

and he told me that you took the fall for him.

Yes, right, that.

Why'd you do that?

I figured you'd been through enough.

I didn't want to see you hurt if you didn't have to be.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yep, we still got it.

Shut up.

You still thinking about leaving Richard?

Good night.

What's up, Moody, huh?

Jesus.

What the fuck are you doing here?

How you been, man?

What, you don't fucking answer your phone no more?

No, I don't, not when you call.

You know why? Cos you only call with fucking notes.

- How the fuck you doing, Moody? - Nero!

- Say my name, say my name again. - Jesus, get off me.

Whatever happened to just a smile and a handshake every now and then,

- you fucking psycho? - Ah, what can I say?

You got me all hot and bothered, Moody. Good to see you.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I do have some notes on the script.

Last time I checked, you were not in the movie.

He is now, motherfucker.

Nero's gonna make this fuckin' joint bulletproof, man.

Sam's convinced me to do a cameo.

And you are just the man to write it.

With my own input, of course.

Fine.

But I'm not writing any of that weird omnisexual shit

about you taking a man in your mouth, all right?

Nah, nah, don't worry about that shit.

No nut-guzzling shit in my movie, yo.

No, no, man, I'm over all that noise. That was last year.

The year of living ambiguously. I'm celibate now.

OK. Why?

A man can only shoot so many loads in a lifetime.

I mean, literally, you can run out.

That's not medically true.

No, it's true. I've done the research.

I have access to the kind of medical science that civilians do not.

My dick don't work no more.

I mean, I haven't had an erection since last year's Golden Globe.

Have you seen a doctor about that?

Nah, I don't need to. Don't want to.

I've transcended sexuality.

Moody, let's face it, I was put on this earth for a reason.

To lead the way. And I can see clearly now.

Sex stands in the way of true artistic achievement.

I want to be the first film actor to have his genitals removed.

Can you imagine what that would be like?

To be completely dickless?

To be a smooth, hairless, real-life action figure?

Like a Ken doll, or a high-powered eunuch.

Can you even comprehend what I would be able to accomplish

without the distraction of sex?

Looking for a doctor to help me with this.

It's been a little challenging.

I may have to go underground.

Or to Europe.

Jesus fuck, I'm nauseous.

Oh, get out your laptop. I feel a monologue coming on.

My character

is a grizzled LAPD detective

who's confined to a wheelchair.

He's addicted to painkillers.

He hates black people.

But he loves America, you know what I'm saying?

- No. - You're not feeling

this fuckin' shit, man?

This motherfucker's droppin' bombs, man.

All over the fucking place, man.

This is gonna be hot.

Get your fucking laptop.

Go ahead.

Come on, honey, do it to me, put it around my neck.

That's it. You cannot quiet me!

Jesus, Eddie.

What the fuck are you doing up so early?

Up? I didn't go to sleep. I don't need it.

Right, because you're a superior being.

No, it's not that.

That's elitist.

But I do think I'm the next step in human evolution.

Sure, I'll buy it.

And I think I found my next movie.

Good for you, Edward.

Good for you.

The writing. The writing!

Reminds me of you.

Fucking & Punching, but for the Twitter generation.

Much more youthful. Vital and alive and...

This shit is fuckin' raw.