Original subtitles

Previously on Californication...

- So, what, you guys are doing it now? - It's none of your business.

Pearl's learning how to drive right now. Ben's teaching her.

Get a load of Black Jesus. Does he turn water into whiskey too?

Sasha is back on board.

- Why? - Eddie Nero's on board.

Let's do some drinking. Let's talk some story.

I'm a writer, Sasha, not a fuck toy.

Now you know.

Stu done knocked me up. I am indeed with child.

I've had a couple of vasectomies.

What exactly are you saying? There still could be swimmers in his junk?

- You still have feelings for her, don't you? - That's what you're mad about?

Oh, sorry!

You saw Hank Moody having a conversation

with your daughter prior to the night of August 13th?

Yes.

That jury is now under the assumption

that you knew Mia before you actually slept together.

This changes everything.

- Fuck. - Guilty?

- Yeah. - So what does that mean?

- Is he going to jail? - I don't know, honey.

- What do we do now? - Let's go get shitfaced.

Counsellor.

Mr Moody, before I commence sentencing,

do you have anything you'd like to say for yourself?

Yes, I do, Your Honour.

But I'm not sure it would move you one way or the other.

Begging for mercy is not my style

and to do so at this stage would be disingenuous anyway.

The only thing that I'm truly sorry for is embarrassing my daughter and her mother.

Everything else is just noise. Plain and simple.

Thank you, Your Honour.

And free the West Memphis Three.

OK.

Well, let's get on with it.

Mr Moody, you are a tragic disappointment.

You behave like an animal.

You live in flagrant defiance of the rules of our society.

I have no doubt that you have done some good in your life

as the many letters asking for leniency on your behalf do state.

You have been found guilty of statutory rape,

but the real crime here is not one of moral turpitude.

Your true crime is that you seem committed to squandering your gifts

and wasting what appears to be a rewarding life.

You have a young daughter.

I am forced to consider what time without a father

does to a prisoner's daughter.

On the count of statutory rape,

I hereby sentence you to three years.

Hank. Hello?

- What happened? - You fainted.

- I fainted? Like a little girl? - Pretty much, yeah.

- What a pussy I am. - You said it. I just thought it.

Are they gonna come and take me away in handcuffs now?

- I don't think so. - Why not? I got three years, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

Probation.

- No jail time? - No jail time.

Say it again.

Three years' probation, $25,000 fine,

and 288 hours of community service.

Never have I been so excited to write a huge cheque

and service the community for 12 days.

You are a lucky man, Hank Moody. And pretty good at math too.

Yeah, I am. I won the math-off in fourth grade.

- Really? - Talk about a panty-peeler.

First day of the rest of your life. What are you gonna do with it?

- I think I'm doing it. - Get up here.

Are you ready for this, former counsellor?

Am I ready to attend a fancy Hollywood party?

No, are you ready to walk into said party

with me on your arm and say to the world,

"Yeah, that's right. This tall drink of water, mine."

Hey, I'm here, aren't I?

The question is, are you ready?

I think maybe we should go back to the hotel,

lock the door, and knock some more boots.

I have a pretty good idea what that's about,

but I have no idea what it's like to attend a social event with you.

Oddly enough, very similar. Either way, somebody gets fucked.

You move fast.

Or is this how you're paying off your bill?

Gee, Ben. What's up?

Sorry. That's fucked up.

Ben, Abby.

- Abby... - How are you?

This is Karen's new chill, black bohemian lover.

"Blackhemian." Is that a word? Coining it.

- You can totally hit him. - You know what?

The only reason why I never took a swing

is because I was too busy feeling sorry for you,

and I was pretty fucking sure you were going to jail.

And, you know, what kind of asshole kicks a man when he's down?

But you're pretty much out of trouble, right?

Yeah, but I'm three years' probation,

so if you want to tussle, it's got to be on the d-I.

But I don't want to tussle. I don't want to scrap.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

- Can I just shoot him instead? - Too many witnesses.

But I'd be more than happy to defend you.

I think I'm gonna just go in and look at this fabulous house.

- All right. - I think I'm gonna join you.

Brother. What are you doing here?

Marcy insisted that I come. She said you wouldn't be here.

- And you bring him? - She said to bring a date, yeah.

OK. So now you guys are dating. Last I checked, you were just friends.

Oh, my God. Nothing changes.

You got off so fucking lucky today and you still are behaving like a bratty child.

You're right.

Thank you for reeling me in. Let's hug it out.

- Celebrate my good fortune. - Let's not.

- How about you? - What about me?

Your attorney. You bring your attorney and you're making out with her?

After what I put her through, she deserves a party. And some smooching.

Have you been sleeping with her all along?

Jesus Christ, Karen.

What... My God.

She is a smart, driven, career-oriented woman,

and you cast aspersions on her like that.

A few times, yeah, sure, we've slept together.

But really it was... Don't blame her because it was a slip on her part.

I'm just telling you to make you jealous.

- I'm not jealous. - A little bit? Just a little bit, you are.

- Not any more. No. - Don't kid a kidder.

- And did you sleep with the judge too? - No, no. Just a little oral.

And some anal. It's hard to get the robe up.

Right. I need to talk to you about something.

Go.

- Interesting. - Later.

Interesting. Did you two come together?

- No, Charlie. - No.

- Hank brought his attorney. - And she brought Ben.

Well, at least you and the Abster can shag with no shame now, right?

- Nice. - What?

- Thank you, Charlie. - What did I say? What?

You don't have to whisper, weirdo. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

I was just telling him I started my period.

And that cherry-poppin' daddy needs to earn his red wings.

Oh, boy. This planet that you're from,

how far from the sun are we talking?

Excuse me, fellas.

This bloody little girl scout needs to plug herself up.

Don't worry, Charlie. I'll let you pull the string.

Being There...

...by Hal Ashby.

This is my homage.

Years of practice.

- Hi, Hank Moody. - Oh, hey, Sasha Binghamness.

- How you doing? - Good.

My man.

- I'm glad things worked out for you today. - Yeah, that makes three of us.

I'm including my ass. He wasn't looking forward to all that prison cock.

Yeah, no offence, but I was kind of hoping they'd lock you up and throw away the key.

What'd I ever do to you, you little film brat?

Not a thing. It's just who wants a writer on set all the time?

Especially one that's been fucking the leading lady.

- I don't need that kind of competition. - Don't worry about it.

- It'll never happen again. - Not even for old time's sake?

No. Once you fucked my mother, my vagina pretty much sealed right up.

- So you're like a Barbie now? - When it comes to you, yeah.

So you're smooth and hairless with a little peachy cleft right there?

I should very much like to see that someday. Hope I may.

I've seen it. It's gorgeous. It's a "gorgina".

So you guys are boning now?

Yeah, you know, ever since that first meeting

where she showed her boobs, I've been obsessed.

- I'm devoted to those breasteses. - Yeah.

- I love 'em, Hank. - Oh, I know.

- I would do anything for them. - They're pretty spectacular.

Who's ready to make a motherfucking movie?

Hello?

Ladies? Gentlemen?

We have much to celebrate this evening.

- Whoo! - "Whoo", indeed.

The start of the production of a film

that has been my passion project for quite some time now.

Fucking And Punching.

The bravest, most erotic book I have ever read.

Yeah!

- Yes. - Yes.

And then there is my latest passion project, Marcy Ellen.

Perhaps the bravest, most erotic woman I have ever met.

Thank you.

Are you gonna toast me like that one day, Charlie?

- Why are you laughing like that? - What? Like what?

Like you're uncomfortable, which is making me uncomfortable.

Jesus Christ, Charlie, don't be such a misogynist asshole!

OK. Do you remember when you asked me

to tell you when you're acting really crazy?

- Right now. - OK, I'm sorry.

Kiss me. Pull my hair.

That got my endorphins going.

I'd like to steer this shit around to a man that I know.

True blue American hero. Motherfucking Hank Moody.

He's the ballsiest fucker I have ever had the pleasure to man-dance with.

Cheers, comrade. To you.

- Nostrovia. - Nostrovia.

- You're not gonna play me like that? - Like what, friend?

Like a cross between Bruce Springsteen meets Mickey Rourke in a gay bar?

Is Bruce Springsteen gay?

- I'm really glad I came. - Yeah, that's right.

I really know how to show a girl a good time, don't I?

- You do. - Karen?

- Yes? - You planning on coming to the set at all?

No.

I would like to get to know the yin-yang between the two of you.

I mean, I understand it from Hank's POV.

The beauty, the maternal qualities,

the stems, the hindquarters.

What is it about me? What keeps you coming back for more?

Is it the...

Or is it something else? Is it something that's...

- Neither. - I can't speak for Karen. I shouldn't.

But it's more of a heart-cock combo platter from the Moody deli.

- Love the combo. - What do you think, Ben?

No, nothing.

Yeah, I don't see you really packing much of either.

Good one, Ben.

I'm beginning to feel a stirring in my loins for you, Ben.

We don't need to work this out today but I would like to pick your brain

and I think you should consider opening yourself up to me sexually.

- Are you spoken for? - Jesus crispies, Nero.

Do you see this dreamboat sitting right next to her?

Let's go easy on the talent there, Marcy.

I'm so sorry to disrespect you. You're a handsome man.

- That comes with a price, by the way. - Testify.

You should come to the set and visit me too.

Got a lot of fans in the African-American community.

- What the fuck does that mean? - What the fuck?

It's true. Studies show. My manager's done the research.

- Respect. - I don't think we'll make it to set,

- cos we're gonna leave town tomorrow. - What?

That must be my trick ear, but what'd I hear?

Tomorrow? Leaving town? What?

- You didn't tell him? - What?

- We'll talk about it in private. - Karen. There are no secrets here.

Where you going? Are you taking Becca?

We're taking the girls on a road trip.

- In a car? - In an RV.

- Jesus, that's cosy. - Yeah.

- How do you feel about that? - How do I feel about it?

Yeah, how do you feel about Karen taking a road trip with her boyfriend Benjamin?

I think it's a fucking solid plan. What the fuck do I care any more?

You are not telling the truth and that is not like you.

Hank Moody I know is a truth-teller. Soothsayer!

Now, Karen, how do you feel about this beautiful woman on his arm?

By the way, you're an incredibly beautiful woman, very sexual.

Are you ovulating right now?

- I just got my period. - People are trying to eat.

Abby's great. She's solid.

- Very professional. - And how do you feel about competing

with the star-crossed nature of their relationship?

I haven't really thought that much about it, Eddie.

I call bullshit on that, barrister.

But this is just really our first date, so...

- So you haven't slept together? - You told her?

Yes. Just to make her jealous.

This is so boring!

I wish we were at the kids' table and you were finger-banging me underneath it.

You want to mind your manners, strawberry slutcake?

You're just jealous cos you're old and dried up, and you've got stinky snatch.

Stinky snatch! Poo!

You might want to curb your crazy bitch, Charlie.

Hello? I will have you know that Marcy is the wettest woman

I have ever known. I slide right in every damn time.

Jesus Christ, Stu, please shut the fuck up.

I get it. Hormone replacement. Good for you.

Watch it, OK? Just don't talk to her that way.

Why? Do you still love her?

Of course I do.

Runkle, are you challenging me right here in my own home?

That's fine.

We will take it outside and fists will fly, faggot.

Say it again, Charlie. Tell me you love her.

Of course I love her! I've always loved her!

The only reason I'm with you is because I was trying to sleep with 100 women

so I could forget about her, but it's impossible!

Forgetting about her, that is. I think the hundred might be doable.

I've loved her and I've fucked her for years.

So maybe we never got around to playing Holocaust survivors in the sack, OK?

But that doesn't mean I didn't love her with all my heart.

So there.

My man and my agent.

- I'm carrying Charlie's baby. - What?

What the fuck?

I had a really weird dream about that just the other night, I think.

I will not be trifled with, Charlie!

- Shit! Charlie! - Marcy!

Marcy, the baby!

This is giving me a raging hard-on. Feel it! Feel it!

- Bitch! - I'm not sure that's a good idea.

OK.

Oh, God.

No! Marcy!

- Go, kitty. - Fuck you.

Come on, kitty cat.

You OK?

It's OK, it's all right.

You're gonna be OK. Look at me.

Charlie?

I got this. She is just my kind of psycho.

Hey.

I'm gonna get a ride with Ben and Karen.

Traitor. Don't do that. That's not how a date ends.

A date ends when the gentleman drives the lady home.

Yes, but the gentleman seems slightly blotto.

OK, well, you got me there. Why don't you take the wheel?

The lady takes the wheel and that way I am free to fondle your ladyness.

They are so right, your friends.

You have such a good heart,

but you're still so messed up.

And you're trapped in the past. I can't go there with you.

I can't rescue you. I've tried that kind of thing before.

It doesn't work.

Good night.

OK, that's it? You're just gonna bail?

Captain fantastic.

You would love that, wouldn't you?

I'm not going anywhere. Just home, cos the night's over.

You know exactly where to find me and that's what scares the shit out of you.

The fact that I am real.

Not some... ghost.

So call me.

Don't call me. The choice is yours.

If not...

we'll always have Century City, right, Hank?

Hey, lady lawyer!

Ben, that's you?

I thought it was Black Jesus.

I didn't tell you? That's my alter ego.

You saved my life.

Like I had a choice. Shit.

If I let you die, you'd fucking haunt me from beyond the grave.

You're clearly the better man.

Yeah, Hank.

Like that was ever up for debate, buddy.

Hey, you don't kiss Karen like that, do you?

It was like absolutely no tongue.

It was very pleasant, though. Now don't get me wrong.

Hold on.

- Hi, Dad. - Hi, beautiful.

Mom said I could run in and say goodbye.

We're hitting the road.

Well...

I don't know how to say goodbye to you, sweetie.

- Are you mad at me? - No, no, no, no.

Never.

- I feel like I'm betraying you. - It's not possible.

Have fun out there. Bring me back a T-shirt that says,

"My daughter travelled cross-country with her mother

"and her mother's new boyfriend and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

It's a long T-shirt, but you could bring it back for me.

Isn't it better this way?

I mean, I'd rather say goodbye to you like this than watch you go off to prison.

And we'll be back.

Something tells me it'll never be the same.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be better.

My sweet little gloomy optimist. I love you so much.

I love you too.

Mom said you can go back home if you want.

Well, that's very nice of Mom, but it's not really a home without my girls underfoot.

- You know what I mean. - I do.

You know what I think, Dad?

I think it's all gonna be OK.

Chapters end. Sometimes you gotta shake things up.

Check out of this dump.

Go home.

Why does he love her so much?

I mean, what is it about her?

I don't know.

I don't think I've ever known.

I think sometimes you get it right the first time

and then...

it defines your life.

It becomes who you are.