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1
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Previously on Californication...
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Not Hank's fault? Excuse me.
3
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- What does that mean?
- It's not my fault.
4
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- You didn't tell her.
- Tell me what?
5
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,011
Becca's father and I
had a slight indiscretion.
6
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She's got to be kidding me, right?
7
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I don't want to hear about Felicia
and her midlife crisis.
8
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Fuck me, bone me, stuff me.
Take your pick.
9
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Who else has he been fucking?
10
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You? Gross.
11
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I can't believe you slept with all of them.
12
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,112
- You're a goddamn girl whisperer.
- OK.
13
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,905
- Julian's a writer too.
- Really?
14
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,700
He wrote The Artist Within.
Fucking genius.
15
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,828
Why are you asking me to procure
you drugs like I'm your assistant?
16
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,205
I'm dating my dream crush.
17
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Hitting my peak sexually.
18
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Give me my blow
and let's just call it a day.
19
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,503
No fucking way, Rick Springfield.
20
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You just don't want me to be happy, Charlie.
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Shit!
22
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- You looking to get your ass fired?
- I fire you first!
23
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:58,432
Charlie! You wanna go back
to slinging Beemers in the Valley?
24
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All right, maybe I got carried away.
25
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Hey! What's the dilly, yo? Where are you
fine young wenches off to this evening?
26
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- Dinner. Yeah.
- Great, I could eat.
27
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Give me a second, I want to change
my shirt. These pits are barking.
28
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No, actually, that's pretty good. Salty.
You girls want some of this?
29
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Check it out? Keeps you regular.
All right, what are we thinking?
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We're thinking that
you weren't exactly invited.
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- That shit is cold.
- Yeah.
32
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:07,918
Marcy's in a funk about
the whole Rick Springfield of it all, so...
33
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,086
Hey, Chels.
34
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,798
...we were gonna take her out,
show her a good time. Lady stuff.
35
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- I like the lady stuff.
- I know you do.
36
00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:19,763
I was kinda looking forward to this
as a little family togetherness time.
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Well, maybe next time.
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Cos I thought it might be good foreplay.
39
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,897
Family togetherness
equals foreplay how exactly?
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It's been quite some time since
we have lain together as man and woman.
41
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:35,696
- And it's gonna be some time, Hank.
- Really? Can you...
42
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How many...
Days? Weeks? Months?
43
00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:42,536
Well, when I close my eyes
and I don't see you inside...
44
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- Come on.
...that annoying little simp of a woman...
45
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- That's gross.
...then maybe I'll be good to go.
46
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- Roughly speaking.
- Why you gotta be like that?
47
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,045
Was it good, Hank? The sex?
48
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,548
- Come on.
- Did she rock your world?
49
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- Did she fuck your brains out?
- Stop. I was performing a service, Karen.
50
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When a plumber works on pipes, he doesn't
think about the quality of the pipes,
51
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he just fixes the shit out of them,
then he goes the fuck home.
52
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And drinks to forget.
53
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,688
All right, well,
you guys have a lovely evening.
54
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,649
Say hi to the Marce for me.
Tell her to keep her chin up.
55
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I'll be fine here alone!
56
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Eating a PB&J under a bare bulb!
57
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Ground control to Major Dong.
58
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,336
Not a good time, Hank.
59
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:18,382
I'm getting a serious relocation vibe here.
You moving north of Wilshire?
60
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,093
I got the axe, Hank. Shit-canned.
61
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:24,554
Charlie Runkle is once again an agent...
without an agency.
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00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,557
- Rick Springfield ankled?
- That's right.
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00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,520
That He-Man, woman-hating
salad-tosser is now in play.
64
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,480
Buck up, Chuck. You've still got me.
65
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,900
I'm bound to put pen to paper
one of these days. Hey, fuck you.
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00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,653
All right, Runkle. Here are the rest of 'em.
67
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:44,116
I trust you will be discreet, especially
with the ones with my legs akimbo.
68
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:48,120
- Sure thing, Sue.
- The writer who doesn't write.
69
00:04:48,162 --> 00:04:50,455
I take it you're off with Jerry Maguire here.
70
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,958
Undoubtedly.
Homies before hoes, you know?
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Good. Well, it saved me a phone call.
72
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There's no heat on you.
I mean, you're as cold as a witch's cunny.
73
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,428
The lady's really got it in for me this evening.
74
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,555
- It's just business. You understand.
- Yeah. I get it.
75
00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:08,557
- Nothing personal.
- Nope.
76
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:12,436
Now, Runkle, just because we no longer
have a professional relationship
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does not mean that you cannot
wine me, dine me,
78
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:20,527
and stand-up-69 me
once in a while, huh?
79
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,112
Dear God.
80
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:26,366
Well, she's got a point. There's no reason
you should let a professional misstep
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00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,410
come between you and a quality 69.
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00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,787
So, you fire me,
83
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,582
but you still want me around
as some sort of boytoy?
84
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,542
How's Sundays for you?
85
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,337
Charlie Runkle is not a doormat.
86
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He's not some little puppy that comes
trotting back after being kicked to the curb.
87
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,552
- You go, girl.
- Suit yourself, stallion.
88
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:50,265
You know, we could have been
lifelong fuck buddies, Runkle.
89
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,142
Leave your keys with Rhonda.
90
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,769
Collini...
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out.
92
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,983
She's a sweet woman.
Salt of the earth, really. I'm gonna miss her.
93
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,860
- Really?
- Not really.
94
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,363
- Wanna get some gin and juice?
- Hoochie-mama.
95
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:09,201
- Think I'm gonna take me one of these.
- Bad boy.
96
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,461
To hamsters in a fucking cage,
going round and round.
97
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:23,090
- When will we ever learn?
- I'm still working off last year's sins.
98
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,342
You're the one
with fresh blood on your hands.
99
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,844
I didn't commit any crimes, though.
That's the thing.
100
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:31,723
Karen was across the country.
I thought we had an understanding. We did.
101
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She did some things.
102
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Clearly I did some things.
103
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But we're being very adult
and European about it.
104
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,774
No matter what they say,
105
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,443
bitches don't like it
when you fuck other bitches.
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Word. And they don't like it
when you call them bitches, either.
107
00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:50,075
FYI for you, Charlie Runkle.
108
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:54,663
- So, you think we'll ever get it right?
- That remains to be seen.
109
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,999
I think that, ultimately,
they're gonna have to raise the white flag
110
00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:01,253
and accept us for the emotional retards
that we are, don't you think?
111
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:02,587
- One would think.
- Yeah.
112
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,382
Just hope my wiener still works.
113
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:10,178
You'll be punishing that thing with gnarled,
arthritic hands. Don't you worry.
114
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,681
- I still love her, though, you know?
- Yeah.
115
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:15,267
- My sweet little piece of Marcipan.
- Yeah.
116
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Those boobies?
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- Her teeny, tiny bajinie.
- That's enough.
118
00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:22,649
After all these years, she still gets
this white man harder than igneous rock.
119
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,734
Settle down, white man.
Take it to the restroom.
120
00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:28,697
Don't you have those moments sometimes?
When you just think to yourself,
121
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:33,577
"God! I love this woman, and I always will."
122
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,537
There was this one time...
123
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,956
I fell asleep in the Porsche
outside of Bill's house.
124
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- Just once?
- Becca found me.
125
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It was, like, two or three years ago, I think.
126
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Karen invited me in
and made me breakfast.
127
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:49,634
I know that Becca strong-armed her
into inviting me in, but that's not the point.
128
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:52,262
She made me breakfast,
and she didn't have to.
129
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,974
She made me this omelette
that was delicious. Perfect breakfast.
130
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,226
You know why?
Because she made it for me.
131
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,438
Then she told me to grow the fuck up
and get on with my life,
132
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,901
but that didn't matter, because it was
one of those moments where I decided,
133
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:08,820
I resolved,
that I was gonna keep on fighting.
134
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:13,366
You know, I've lost many battles,
but I've never lost sight of the war.
135
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,661
No retreat, baby.
No surrender.
136
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,458
Jesus Christ, Runkle,
are you weeping again?
137
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,252
Well, it was sweet. You moved me.
138
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- Jesus!
- Hey! Hey!
139
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- Get a load of this asshole.
- No shit, brosephina.
140
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,008
You spilled on my buddy here.
141
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,969
I did. Sorry.
142
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,388
- Hey, excuse me.
- Just let it go, Hank.
143
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:38,517
- Excuse me. I don't mean to be annoying...
- Let it go, it's not worth...
144
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,602
...but just now
when you said you were sorry,
145
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:43,021
it didn't really sound
like you were sincere to me.
146
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:47,567
It was, like, "Uh, I'm sorry." Perfunctory.
You understand that word?
147
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,654
Man, I am sorry.
Did I spill on your girlfriend?
148
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,989
I can get you and your lady another drink.
149
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,910
I believe our manhood was just assailed.
150
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,788
I believe you're right.
What are we gonna do about this?
151
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:01,915
I know what I'm gonna do about it.
152
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,213
Fuck, I knew it!
Couple of real-life faggots!
153
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,757
Charlie...
154
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,551
That's right, baby.
155
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:15,512
We're here, we're queer,
and get used to it.
156
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,144
Let me at him!
157
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,114
Thank you.
158
00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:36,241
You might wanna think about
popping a breath mint
159
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,909
or chewing some gum
every now and again.
160
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,703
Your mouth tastes like a hobo's taint.
161
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,955
Why you gotta do that?
Make me feel self-conscious?
162
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:44,416
Do you have gum or a breath mint
or something?
163
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,377
- What are we gonna do now?
- Something fun, huh?
164
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,922
You wanna go back to my place,
watch some DVDs?
165
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,133
The girls are out for the night.
166
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:56,845
I'm not gonna watch pornography with you,
Charlie Runkle. Creeps me out.
167
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,888
We'll watch a regular movie,
I don't care.
168
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,765
Last time you talked me into movie night,
169
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:03,310
I sat there and watched you
play pocket pool for two hours.
170
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,479
Men should not experience
pornography together. It's unseemly.
171
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,106
Excuse me, Mr Morality.
172
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,859
Didn't know you had all these special rules
about home entertainment.
173
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:14,487
You know what? The night is young.
It's in diapers, for Christ's sakes.
174
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:18,158
What do you say, you and me,
we go on a good old-fashioned bender?
175
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,660
- I could roll with that.
- You can roll with it?
176
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,747
- I can roll with it.
- Then you roll with it, motherfucker.
177
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,540
Proceeding to roll.
178
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,297
I think I'm sewing it up.
179
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:36,217
I tell you, seriously. It has led me astray.
Thank you.
180
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:40,555
That's disgusting,
and, also, what's it gonna solve?
181
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:45,101
I'm lost. Are you talking about your heart
or your vagina?
182
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,439
Look at you!
Using all the proper names for things!
183
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,691
Well, it is her father's favourite word.
184
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,903
I'm speaking of my vagina, sweetheart.
185
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:58,281
I don't have a heart any more.
I lost that years ago.
186
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,660
I think it was the night of
the squirting incident.
187
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,828
Remember that, huh?
188
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,581
OK, I'll say no more.
189
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,543
You know... You know what?
You had the fantasy.
190
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,714
How many people can say
that they slept with their teen idol?
191
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:18,009
How many people can say
they slept with Rick Springfield?
192
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:22,222
Only every tramp, ho, and thief
in Greater LA County.
193
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,019
What was I thinking?
You don't put yourself out there like that.
194
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,562
- It was good...
- Take note.
195
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,857
You owed it to your younger self, right?
196
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,695
I mean, you needed to explore
that whole area.
197
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,571
Really?
198
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:42,409
Were there any areas you explored
when you was in New York?
199
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,911
- I don't think we need to...
- What, Mom?
200
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,288
Yes, please, not in front of the child.
201
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,042
No! Screw that.
Tonight you're a growns-up.
202
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:55,588
You're out on girls' night out - GNO.
You want a zip of my wine?
203
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:56,881
Marce...
204
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,609
Check it out.
205
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,528
- South Of Heaven.
- No.
206
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,822
First edition, signed by the author!
207
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:24,534
Portrait of the artist as a dirty young man.
What did I inscribe?
208
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,120
"To Kelly. Best oral ever."
209
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,997
Who is Kelly?
210
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,667
I don't know.
211
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,588
- But I think we should find out!
- Poor Kelly.
212
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,631
Sounds like she had mad skills.
213
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:43,344
Early Hank Moody,
going for 100 big ones.
214
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,221
That real money? Maybe in pesos.
215
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,974
That's 100% John Wayne-style
American dollar.
216
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:52,061
Shit. People are willing to pay good money
for my early, beer-soaked ramblings?
217
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,688
I've increased in value.
218
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,858
The Franklin Mint can lick me
where the good Lord split me.
219
00:12:56,901 --> 00:13:00,320
It's a shame that money doesn't go to you.
It goes to sleepy-eyes over there.
220
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:04,282
No shit. I do all the work
and Weird Beard over there
221
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:09,287
profits off my words, my autograph,
my memories of sweet gifted Kelly.
222
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:14,000
Probably costs 100 bucks a week to keep
him in tie-dye, Birkenstocks and crystals.
223
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,462
True dat. And you know there's no way
I'm seeing my 10% either.
224
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,923
You could really use that ten-spot now,
couldn't you?
225
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,425
- Right!
- Cover me.
226
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:26,554
- I'm going Abbie Hoffman on this shit.
- OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
227
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,057
- I got you.
- You know, Runkle...
228
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,017
- information...
- Take it on home.
229
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,852
...wants to be free.
230
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:37,065
- I think we're good.
- Got it?
231
00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:39,692
- Let's go.
- We bad.
232
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,655
- We bad, we bad, we bad.
- Stop that. Stop.
233
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:46,533
- Let me get you covered here. Let me...
- No.
234
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:49,369
- Charlie, don't be an ass.
- I like to do that, it's fun.
235
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:55,708
Holy fuck! Look at this. The Artist Within
gets himself an entire table.
236
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:59,629
All right, how much does a first ejaculate
Sir Walter Dali go for?
237
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,382
- 95 bucks!
- Yes! I win!
238
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:06,636
Suck it and taste it,
artist within my yam bag.
239
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:13,601
Hold on a second, I gotta let one rip.
240
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,311
Switch with me?
241
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,730
OK, OK, OK.
242
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:28,199
- Come on!
- Slow down! Come on, man!
243
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,870
Get up.
244
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,831
- I'm down. Man down!
- Get up. Get the man up.
245
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,708
- OK, the man's up.
- Hello!
246
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:41,546
- Don't fuck with the pinkberry.
- We can't stop. We can't stop.
247
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,799
You know there's no one chasing you,
right, Dad?
248
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,885
- No?
- So there isn't.
249
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,097
This is fun! We have fun.
250
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,308
Why are you looking at me like that,
you goon?
251
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:56,185
- Are you ready for an adventure, Marce?
- No.
252
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,229
Please stop doing that with your face.
253
00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,607
We should move to New York, hm?
254
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,901
- With our friends, the Van der Moodys.
- What?
255
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,445
I did it! I got fired!
256
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,242
That's it,
there's nothing tying us here, man.
257
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,329
You got dumped by a pervy rock star
and I lost my job.
258
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:20,043
- Well, tell everybody.
- Freedom's just another word for...
259
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,379
- I'm a free bird!
- He's freaking me out.
260
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,547
Me too.
261
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,425
This is what
two White Winters will do to you!
262
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:32,472
- My V is sewn up tighter than ever.
- That was great, Charlie. Congratulations.
263
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,224
- Come with us.
- The next stop is the convenience store.
264
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,977
- What kind of snacks do you like?
- Stop it.
265
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,979
- Because I like snacks...
- You know what?
266
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,232
- It's past our bedtime.
- What about us? What about ours?
267
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:48,154
Way past your bedtime. Come on.
You better put yourself to bed tonight.
268
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:51,324
You're gonna be changing your own diapers
and wiping your own ass.
269
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,409
- I am done being your mommy.
- OK.
270
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,454
But could you just please
say "ass" one more time?
271
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,289
I can work with that for days.
272
00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:01,125
I want you to have this.
This is your heritage and inheritance.
273
00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:02,835
I liberated it just moments ago.
274
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,046
- What is that?
- Stop it.
275
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,092
Who's Kelly?
276
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:13,179
I've been thinking about that for 10 minutes.
277
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,933
She's either
a cocktail waitress from Toronto
278
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,268
or a very promising young marine biologist.
279
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,854
Either way, your father's
very lucky to have known her.
280
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,481
OK, that's it. Let's go.
281
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,899
- OK.
- Bye.
282
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,526
- Your loss, ladies.
- Thank you.
283
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,487
You're never gonna know
the splendour of a Cheez Doodle burp.
284
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,240
- Stop selling, Runkle. Come on.
- Good point.
285
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:38,287
Good evening.
286
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:40,665
I think she liked me.
287
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,340
- Kim, wasabi?
- Wasabi!
288
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,592
Living the dreams, Hank,
living the dream.
289
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,636
You get the booze, I'll get the snacks.
290
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,513
This is all the snack a brother needs.
291
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,807
You got your guilty pleasures, I got mine...
292
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,061
The humanity!
293
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,647
- Jesus Christ, Hank! Come on.
- Jesus, Hank!
294
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:07,734
- Sorry, Kim. I'll pay for it.
- You bet your ass you pay for it.
295
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,485
- Yeah.
- Shit, man.
296
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,238
- You got scolded.
- Yeah.
297
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,322
I heard it.
298
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,665
Hey, I saw that.
299
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,376
- Saw what, homie?
- What are you doing? Put that shit back.
300
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,420
- What the fuck you care?
- What do I care?
301
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,715
Kim and his wife are good people,
and you're stealing from them.
302
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,551
You need money, get a paper route
or something. That's bullshit.
303
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,219
- Whatever.
- Leave him alone, Hank.
304
00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:38,222
- No, the kid's stealing. That's not cool.
- He's a kid.
305
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:41,893
Need I remind you, we borrowed some
hardcover non-fiction this very evening?
306
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:44,103
- That is totally different.
- Of course it is.
307
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,439
There's no law against an author
stealing his own work.
308
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,982
What about Julian?
309
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,569
There's no law against stealing
from a colossal douchebag.
310
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,237
Wait, check this out, I got an idea.
311
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,948
Hey...
No, no. No, it's cool.
312
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,201
Put that shit back,
I'll give you this book.
313
00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,996
People swear by it. It'll change your life,
put you on the straight and narrow.
314
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:06,459
If it doesn't, use it as toilet paper.
Check it out. The Artist Within.
315
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,920
- Hank...
- My ass. Here you go.
316
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:10,213
- Hank...
- Take it.
317
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,423
- Shut up, Charlie, I'm schooling this kid.
- Hank!
318
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:13,758
What?
319
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,847
- Give me your fucking wallet.
- Yeah, OK, just take it easy.
320
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,725
You win, all right. Settle down.
No, you got it. You got it.
321
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,727
- Take it easy.
- Shut the fuck up.
322
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,771
Just take it. Treat yourself.
323
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:32,401
What, are you kidding me?
What the fuck? What the fuck is this?
324
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,946
- I work on commission, bro.
- Shut the fuck up!
325
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,989
You think this is a fucking joke?
326
00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:38,449
I got a daughter.
327
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,665
- Oh, shit!
- Get out of my store, motherfuckers!
328
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:49,460
Get out! You motherfuckers!
329
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,131
Fuck you! Get back here!
330
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:54,841
Fuck me.
331
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,120
I thought that was it, Hank.
332
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,788
The end.
333
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,790
I know what you mean, broheme.
334
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:33,296
- What was going through your head?
- What do you think?
335
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,090
Karen and Becca.
336
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,176
How much I love them.
337
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:41,846
How much time I've wasted
being a selfish prick.
338
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:46,559
What a cosmic "fuck you" it would be if you
were the last person I kissed before I died.
339
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:50,605
I don't know. I think it would have been
kinda poetic, actually.
340
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,190
For you, maybe.
341
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:58,362
I know what you mean, though.
I had my whole life flash before my eyes.
342
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:02,033
Really just like a TiVo on fast-forward.
343
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,701
And you know what?
344
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,745
It was really fucking pathetic.
345
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,455
Oh, I believe you.
346
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:14,962
OK. What now?
Where do we go from here?
347
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:18,049
I'm not entirely sure,
but if you thought we were drinking before
348
00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:20,218
you were dead wrong, because now...
349
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,428
...we are gonna do some drinking.
350
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:26,224
- You with me?
- Till the end, my Nubian brother.
351
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,850
Till the bitter end.
352
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:33,356
- I love you, bro.
- Hey, settle down. Don't soil yourself.
353
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:36,484
Again.
354
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:38,694
Make the car go very fast.
355
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,657
OK, just one drink,
356
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:46,994
so that missy here doesn't slit her wrists
when she's left all alone.
357
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,997
But you forget. I won't be alone.
358
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,292
Cos I got Yertle the Turtle as my roommate.
359
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:58,297
All the disadvantages of being married
and none of the advantages.
360
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,425
And what would those be,
if you don't mind my asking?
361
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:05,054
- Those what?
- The advantages of being married.
362
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,890
I need to know so I don't
end up as bitter as you guys.
363
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,558
Shit, is that how we sound?
364
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,395
So far I haven't heard much
in the pro-men column.
365
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,146
The best you can hope for, I guess,
366
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:17,608
is that they make you laugh and
occasionally fix things around the house.
367
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,735
Yeah, that would be great.
368
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:23,447
What? I would kill for a guy
to fix things around the house.
369
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,618
- What we meant to say was...
- Don't look at me. I know I'm bitter.
370
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:32,915
- I own that shit. I ams who I's ams.
- Well, I'm not bitter. Am I bitter?
371
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,461
Maybe I am.
I'm disillusioned, that's what I am.
372
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:39,547
I'm definitely disillusioned.
373
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,757
Come on, Mom,
what did you think would happen?
374
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,343
Did you think if you left
he would grow up all of a sudden?
375
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:49,223
No, I just... You know, I wish
we didn't have to prop him up all the time.
376
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:53,185
What's the point in wishing for something
that's never going to come true?
377
00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:55,479
He's never going to change, Mom.
378
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,859
He's always going to be that drunken fool
in the middle of Abbot Kinney.
379
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,946
The same guy who wrote this book.
380
00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:10,202
If that's not what you want
then you have to be the one to walk away.
381
00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,289
Because he never will.
382
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:16,917
God, Jesus!
383
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,212
I love this little Buddha
you shot out of your vag.
384
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:21,839
So wise!
385
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:47,031
Jesus!
386
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,952
I feel like I've been
fucked in the ass by God himself.
387
00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:58,334
And he pulled out
and jizzed all over my face,
388
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:01,420
got in my eyes,
and now I can't even open 'em properly.
389
00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:04,048
I'm hungry. You?
390
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,717
So our ladies must be
worried sick about us, huh?
391
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,011
- You know why?
- Why?
392
00:23:10,013 --> 00:23:13,557
- Cos we're a couple of dirty stay-outs.
- No missed calls.
393
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,148
Me neither.
394
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,900
Well, whatever.
395
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,696
This was fun.
We should do this more often.
396
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:31,534
You know,
I can do this because I'm an artist.
397
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:34,328
But you? You're a fucking businessman.
398
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:37,456
A sucker in a three-piece suit.
You gotta keep your shit together.
399
00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:41,043
- Doesn't sound very fair at all.
- I didn't make the rules.
400
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:49,468
You know, you're a good friend,
you bald motherfucker.
401
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:53,055
- I'm lucky to have you.
- Same here, buddy.
402
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:55,266
You're a really good kisser too,
you know that?
403
00:23:55,308 --> 00:23:57,852
Karen doesn't know
what she's missing right now.
404
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:01,063
There's a good chance
I'd have forgotten about that.
405
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,232
- Oh, no.
- Thanks for calling it back.
406
00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:06,318
God, I am sore!
407
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:10,573
My fucking back is killing me.
408
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,993
Got quite a workout last night, huh?
409
00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:20,749
- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah.
410
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:24,253
Did we get tattoos last night?
411
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,380
Did we what?
412
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:31,385
Oh, no, Hank.
413
00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:33,262
Hank, what did I do?
414
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,389
I don't know,
but we're about to find out.
415
00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:37,516
Bend over, big boy,
and drop your drawers.
416
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:39,894
And I hope that's the last time
I ever say that to you.
417
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:42,271
Jesus Christ, say it ain't so, Hank.
418
00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:48,736
It is so.
It is definitely so.
419
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,237
Why would you let me do that, Hank?
420
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,157
Why would you let me get a tramp stamp?
Why would you do that to me?
421
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,951
Look on the bright side.
It's a beautiful tattoo.
422
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:59,914
- The artist definitely outdid his self.
- Jesus Christ!
423
00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,249
It's a goddamn butterfly, isn't it, Hank?
424
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:05,294
Now I remember.
It's all coming back to me.
425
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,671
I'm such a fucking idiot!
426
00:25:07,714 --> 00:25:11,926
OK, come on. Let's go.
We're going to the removal place right now.
427
00:25:11,968 --> 00:25:13,844
Let's go. Hey...
428
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,226
Come on, let's go!
429
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:40,454
- Good morning.
- Morning.
430
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:45,709
- How was your night?
- You know, it was great. It was really good.
431
00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:47,419
Great.
432
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:50,756
- Yours?
- Mine was interesting.
433
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:52,883
Definitely had its moments.
434
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:57,888
I didn't fuck anyone,
if that's what you're wondering.
435
00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:01,767
No, I wasn't, actually.
436
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,144
Bullshit.
437
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:06,605
How's Marcy?
438
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:10,526
- She'll live. You know...
- Well, that's good.
439
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,695
And you? How are you?
440
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:16,657
I'm trying.
441
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:18,951
That's all anybody can ask, huh?
442
00:26:20,370 --> 00:26:21,829
Right.
443
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:29,503
Hey, check this out.
444
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,256
- Hank, don't...
- No, no, no. No.
445
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:45,686
- Am I supposed to be impressed?
- That's the idea, yeah.
446
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:54,028
I scar myself for you,
I stigmatise myself for you,
447
00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:56,530
and all I get as a response is "hmm"?
448
00:27:09,919 --> 00:27:12,004
Are you hungry?
449
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:17,760
Would you like some breakfast?
450
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:22,890
I would love some breakfast.
35095
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