Original subtitles

- You're my student. - Not any more, I'm not.

This is so not fair.

Previously on Californication...

I've never stepped outside of my marriage before.

Who in their right mind would step out on His Royal Deanness?

I am flattered, but I...

And I'm wet.

Hard and wet, that's a winning combination.

What? Not even a hello.

What? Were you just gonna leave me behind?

You're saying we just pack up and leave LA?

The three of us, move back to New York together?

Yeah, end of the semester.

For the first time in my life, I'm happy,

and you want me to move someplace I have no friends?

- What did you say your name was? - She didn't. Next.

Runkle is ankling!

Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house right fucking now?

'80s pop legend Rick Springfield is in there stealing your girl.

You have to out-fuck Rick Springfield.

The only time I ever made Marcy squeal like that

was when I put the ring on her finger.

Destroy me, Rick Springfield!

Christ on the cross, Hank. My lungs are about to explode.

You didn't have to come.

You could have stayed home and made the fucky-fucky with the boss lady.

Laugh all you want.

How many people can say they've been in the same honey pot as Jack Nicholson?

How many people in the LA phone book?

Who am I kidding? I used to be Charlie Runkle.

Now...

I'm Runkle!

Look at us, Runkle. LA has made us soft.

You used to be able to run for the Lexington Avenue Express with the best of them,

elbowing investment wankers out of the way.

Cellphone in one hand, mammoth ball sack in the other,

a Hollywood Reporter between your teeth,

not even breathing so you wouldn't inhale the fucking piss stench.

Jesus Christ, we're out here cos of Karen, aren't we?

That's right. The gods have seen fit to give me another shot with the soul mate.

She's in New York feathering the nest, and I got to be ready for her,

mentally... physically... sexually.

Maybe it's time to stop banging the entire college campus.

Right you are, motherfucker!

Right as rain.

It's time for me to grow up, do the right thing.

Easier said than done, though, huh?

No, Jackie's 23. She's not looking to make those breasteses exclusive.

And Jill, she knows I got a snip and a baby.

And Felicia, I'm just a daydream to her. An escape hatch from the deanery.

Shit, I can get this done in one day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner,

then home for some cybersex with the soul mate.

- That's not a bad idea. - You kidding? It's a terrible idea.

The lighting is subpar,

very difficult to properly showcase one's dangling majesty.

But it sure beats phone-ilingus.

You wanted to see me, Professor Moody?

Jackie, my prize pupil. Come on in. Have a seat and shut the door.

Or wait. Don't shut the door.

I don't know. What do you think?

Well, I think you're more of a thrill-seeker than I thought

if you want to fuck me with the door open.

I know. You know, I think, as you got to know me,

you'd find I was a fuddy-duddy, just an old-fashioned...

Yeah, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

I think we need to spice things up a little bit.

I'm getting sort of tired of being on top all the time.

Well, don't knock cowgirl.

That's my favourite posish. I do some of my best work from the bottom.

- You know why? - Why?

I got my hands free. It's like sexual Bluetooth.

- I missed you. It's been a while. - Yeah, about that...

- Did you miss me? - Well, sure I did. Tons.

Look, here's the thing.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Seriously?

- You're trying to end this thing. - A thing, is it?

Well, it sounds to me like you're dumping me.

That's harsh when you put it that way,

but that's exactly right, in a manner of speaking.

- You're lovely, the loveliest of the loveliest. - This is because of that woman, isn't it?

Who was in class the other day. Your old lady.

That's the woman what done it, yes.

So, you're back with her now?

She is the mother of my child.

And she doesn't mind you sleeping with students

who aren't very much older than that child?

Well, that is low.

Coming from the guy who loved my work and found me oh-so-talented,

but now has grown tired of fucking me.

- Really? Have I made you feel that way? - It's cool. Don't sweat it.

It's not like it was serious, right?

- Just fun? - Fun it was.

- Besides, I'm a sex worker, right? - What does that mean?

Don't worry about me. I can't get hurt.

I'm just a hot piece of stripper ass.

You have your fun with me, and then you're done. I got it, loud and clear.

- I don't like the way that sounds. - Well, maybe I don't like the way it feels.

- Jackie, I'm sorry. - Sorry!

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

No need to make a fuss. We can handle this like adults.

In fact, since I'm right here

why not just blow you one more time?

Well...

- No, that's really not necessary, no... - Come on.

Just let the sex worker do what the sex worker does best.

- No, no, no, no. - Moody, I...

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what is going on here?

This is so not what it seems.

I knew it. I knew you were a depraved lunatic.

Well, that may very well be the case, but things are not always as they appear.

Good God, man, your fly is open.

Thank you for embarrassing me in front of my student.

What do you have to say for yourself, Jackie?

Well, he said he'd give me an A.

That is some fucked-up shit right there, woman. Reverse course.

I'm gonna have you drawn and quartered.

Maybe Jackie's gonna want to press charges

against the ageing degenerate who compromised her college experience.

- Maybe I will. - What the fuck?

- But I can't. - Why on earth not?

Cos I was just kidding.

- You were kidding? - Look, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.

He was just giving me notes on a story.

We were talking about the ending,

- actually, of the story, right? - Yes.

- And he thinks it's over. - Right.

- But I know that it's just begun. - Right.

But don't worry, Dean Koons, really.

He's never done anything even remotely inappropriate.

Really, he's very boring,

and so not my type.

I like 'em darker, handsomer.

God, you have great eyebrows, sir.

A girl could really get lost in those things.

- He's got pretty blue eyes, too, doesn't he? - Gorgeous.

Thank you. Thank you, Jackie. That's very kind of you.

You're welcome. Thanks for the help.

I'll show myself out.

You have a thunderous erection now.

I'll close the door, give you some privacy.

Oh, yeah. That's mama's sweet spot.

Lower. Lower.

Another two inches, I'll read your spec script.

- No, I don't do that. - You're one of those, huh?

No happy endings, just cliffhangers. Well, get the fuck out of here!

I've grown weary. I have work to do.

Runkle! I need you on my carpet!

Crazy bitch.

Morning, Sue.

That guy! Fired up the grill and walked out of here with an uncooked wiener.

Can you believe that?

It's what happens when Buddhists commandeer a profession

that rightfully belongs to well-hung Swedes.

So it is. What about you? Have you emptied the chamber today?

- Well, as a matter of fact... - Of course you have. You're Runkle.

You'd whack it to a cat dancing on YouTube.

But I'm in the mood.

- Want to fire off another round, huh? - Phone call for you, Sue.

Rhonda, you know better than to interrupt me when I'm entertaining a gentleman.

- It's him. - Him?

Everybody out.

How you doing?

Everything good out here? You hip-pocketing anyone?

That was always my move as an assistant.

I know she's seen your penis.

Guess what, Rhonda? She's not alone.

11,000 hits on RedTube.

Don't go anywhere, Runkle.

I need you.

Jillybean.

Nice to see you.

Wow, classy.

Moody, real tablecloths. You trying to tell me something?

Cos I didn't even think we were dating, per se.

That's interesting, because... I've been doing some thinking,

- and I wanted to... - Yeah, me too.

You have?

- Ladies first. - Actually, not that much thinking,

just a medium amount of thinking,

cos too much with the thinking, that does me in.

That's how I jinx things. So now I'm just taking it slow, going day by day.

What were you gonna say?

OK.

- OK, look, here's the thing. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my sweet fucking God.

- What? - Jack.

My egg-waster.

- That's the ex dull normal? - Yeah.

The guy I waited half a fucking decade to propose to me.

- That guy? - Yes!

And he dumped me, in a place just like this.

- Fucking Italian food. - Really? That is a dick move.

Yeah. And you know what else?

He said it was unethical for him to keep dating me,

knowing that I wanted to get married and have kids,

and he wasn't ready for those things.

Well, see, that sounds pretty morally upstanding to me.

- In fact... - Really?

Cos it didn't stop him from having regular sex with me for five years.

But you could have gotten rid of him. Wash that man right out of your hair.

Boom! End of problem.

Have you ever thought about being the dumper instead of the dumpee?

That's not a bad idea.

- Why don't you practise on me now? - Oh, my God!

She has a ring. Look! Look at her finger.

Do you see that monstrosity on her finger?

They're fucking engaged!

Oh, my God, I...

- What is my move? What do I do? - There is no move.

- I have to go and say hi. - No! Fuck, no. You don't say hi.

- But that's what normal people do. - Jill, you've got to get out of your own way.

The only thought in your head right now should be, "Fuck that guy."

I'm really starting to think that's the only piece of advice you have.

- This is what you should do. - What are you doing?

Oh, my God, Moody. Moody.

- Oh, my God, it is you. - Yeah?

Yeah, it's me, buddy. Kind of busy here.

Well, excuse me for having the nerve to come up to you and say hi in public.

Don't blow me off. I just wanted you to know that I got the test results back.

And, shit, I hope you have the courage

to inform the rest of your sexual partners,

because Lord knows I never had the herp

before you blew me until I was shooting blood at the Palm Springs White Party.

Whatever.

I hope you and your beard

have a wonderful rest of the day.

- Now... - Oh, God.

OK, can I just tell you that being incredibly sweet

and sensitive to my situation right now

is not making me want to fuck you any less.

Let's go, baby.

OK, so here's the thing.

He's my life, Charlie. He's my first client.

I can't lose him. I am fucked if I lose him.

Let me handle this for you, Sue.

Knock-knock. Runkle calling.

How you doing there?

Hello, hello. I'm Charlie Runkle and...

Are you the law?

Or are you an outlaw?

Cos there's only one I can abide.

Sue...

Susan.

No harm, man.

Come in peace.

- I owe you an apology. - Don't do this.

Just get your head out of your ass, and you don't have to apologise.

- Come on, Sue, you know I love you. - Then why change?

It's not about chasing some shiny Hollywood dream.

Hell, I've snorted, fucked and smoked everything Hollywood has to offer.

It's about my legacy.

These young bulldogs from UTK came up nipping at my heels,

saying they could put my face on a salad-dressing bottle

and sell millions for charity.

Paul Newman-type shit.

Shit is exactly what it is.

UTK gives that speech to every potential client over 50.

It's how they poach boomers, by preying on idealism.

Who the fuck are you?

I am Charlie Runkle.

You can call me Chuck.

Look, what they want to do is turn you into a corporate brand, man.

Forget Paul Newman. UTK is more likely to put your name on a McDonald's cup.

- Sue here is the one... - Stop the vomit.

Listen, Sue.

Did you bring me one of those MBA twerps, or is this guy a man?

- Oh, no. He's a man. - Right.

Well, then let's settle this like men.

You want me to fight you?

You lick me, I go with her.

I lick you, you will leave the premises.

All right, Runkle.

- I... wha... - Pound him!

- I'm not gonna hit an old man. - I heard that, pantywaist.

Forget to take your Pamprin this morning?

OK, then.

How do you propose we do this, huh?

We're gonna do it tiger style?

Or do you like the spider?

- Come on. - Sue is Sue!

She believes in people, not brands.

She had your back when you were living in her van.

She'll have it till the day you die. That's my fucking bad nipple!

You want your face on some salad dressing,

Sue will get you some motherfucking salad dressing.

God, fuck.

My goddamn sciatica.

Fuck the whimpering dog pack!

Go with the lioness!

I'm in. Get the fuck off me.

Runkle.

Come on, you.

Come on.

You almost gave me a heart attack, you old bear.

Oh, Susie, you know I never would have left you.

I didn't want to sign with those UTK guys.

They're the laugh of the town, with that agent that's masturbating all the time.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

That place is unsavoury.

Professor Moody.

- You shouldn't have. - Can I come in?

Not the best of times, actually.

Well, I have some important things to discuss, weighty things.

Stuff I'd like to get off my chest.

Well, by all means, then.

- I really do have a meeting. - OK, OK.

So look, here's the thing. No. No, no. This is yummier.

You're quitting. I know.

You're moving back to New York, aren't you?

- You and Kelly will give it another go. - Karen. Karen.

Whatever. The point is, I assumed you'd be moving back.

Not to worry, we'll be fine. Life goes on.

I'm sure I could just cruise by Home Depot

and find someone more suitable for the job.

Well, you can't say we didn't give it a shot, right?

We gave it the old college try, didn't we?

- Did you, Hank? - I like to think so.

Oh, well, that's all that matters, then.

You seem rather annoyed with me.

- It's all for the best, really. - What's for the best?

Well, seeing as though I made an absolute fool out of myself,

I can't say that I'm entirely sad to see you go.

No, it's true, really. You know...

I offered myself to you, and you weren't interested.

That's not exactly how it went down.

You have some serious relationship issues to attend to, as do I.

And the most that we could have offered each other is some...

sexual healing.

Pleasures of the flesh and whatnot, that's all.

- But that's exactly what I was looking for. - Oh, no, no. You say that, but...

- No, it is. - No, but...

After a while, I would work my way under your skin

like the slow-moving fungus that I am.

And you... I've always been a sucker for a woman

who's a boy on my arm and a puma in the bedroom.

If only I could have just had one little nibble.

- A nibble's not enough. We both know that. - Yeah. It's all for the best.

- So we're cool? - Yes, we're cool.

OK.

That's my meeting.

You know what? You can go out this door if it's more convenient.

But my car is right out front, so why don't I just...

Of course. I'll see you out. Wait, wait.

- David. - Hey.

- Come in. - You look good.

I'm sorry. Am I early? Am I interrupting something?

- Not at all. - Yeah, well, he kind of is.

Nonsense. Professor Moody was just leaving.

Hank Moody. David Wilder. Big fan. Big, big fan.

David's another of our notorious writers at the university.

Yeah, The Hardest Of Woods. I'm aware.

Before you came along, I was in a fair amount of trouble with this one

for bedding the local talent. So thanks for taking the pressure off me.

You're welcome... I guess.

Yeah, it's given me a hell of a lot of time to work on my writing, which is nice.

You know, I like to sit at my desk, and I like to brew up a big mug of word tea.

Word tea? Sure.

You should probably go. We have work to discuss.

Where exactly is His Royal Deanness this evening?

He's out with friends, recreating the battle of Chickamauga.

- That's very interesting. - No, it's not, actually. It's dull as shit.

You're doing it, aren't you? Cashing in your freebie, your marital hall pass.

- I don't know what you mean. - Yeah, you do.

You'll stick it to the deaner by letting Wilder show you his hardest of woods.

- I beg your pardon. - Hey, buddy, that is completely out of line.

Don't do it, Felicia. Don't throw it all away

for a few clumsy minutes with the poor man's version of me,

- the road-show version of me. - Hey, you know what?

Bragging's not my thing, but I can go for hours.

Stay and watch. Be my guest. Maybe she'll take us both on.

Hank, this is none of your business.

Even if I was cashing something in or whatever...

Felicia, don't do it. Don't chuck it all

for the fucking Nutty Professor here. This is bullshit.

That is uncalled for. And we both know that I'm not black.

When was the last time, by the way, that you published anything, Moody?

Easy for you to say. No, no, no. You have no...

You got back with your ex-whatever, just as things were starting to heat up between us.

You know what, Felicia? It's up to you.

You know that I would jump at the opportunity to make sweet, hard love to you.

You have the ass of a ten-year-old boy.

Hank, please, just go. It's too little, too late. I can't.

Fine. You're a big girl.

You can make your own decisions.

Be good to her, Wilder. She's way out of your league.

I concur. Hey, Moody...

I have a book coming out this spring.

Do you think maybe you can write me up a blurb?

What's this one called, The Buoyancy Of Turds?

Think about it. I'll send you a copy, OK?

I think he's drunk.

So how do you want to do this?

Do you want to just kick back and start with a little oral, huh?

Do you want a little bit of this? Or should I go for a little bit of that?

Because I'll tell you something, I could eat that peach all night long.

I just camp out...

S'mores.

Yeah, I think you'll find that I'm a very giving and caring lover...

So don't worry...

Fine, I'll do it.

You want to throw your life away, use me.

What? That's the most ridiculous thing I've...

Please! Go!

Wilder, go brew yourself a big mug of word tea...

and dip your balls in it.

Behind The Green Door is available on Blu-ray.

LaserDisc.

People who sold their LaserDiscs were absolute assholes.

Fools and assholes.

- What? - Flip it.

Flip it!

Wow. OK.

So where is the man of the house this evening?

Berlin.

Think he is bidding on an Egyptian fertility amulet.

It's quite rare, really.

It's the world's first depiction of a butt plug.

Excellent. Excellent.

Good for him.

I must toast you.

- What you did today was astonishing. - Thank you, Sue.

When you started, I thought,

"My God, this man has diarrhoea of the mouth

"and there is no kaopectate in sight."

But the poetry that poured out of you...

I mean, you cast your rod,

and you hooked the old swordfish,

and you reeled him in by his taint.

To Charles W Runkle, my hero.

No. No.

To you, Sue.

Well, look at that.

So let's get this party started!

Toot?

Why not?

Wow, that's a nice coke straw.

Very classy.

Yeah. It was given to me by a female member of Fleetwood Mac.

- Stevie Nicks? - I can't say.

But it wasn't Christine McVie

or Lindsey Buckingham.

Yeah, Lindsey's a dude.

Exactly.

I have a deviated septum.

Well, you really shouldn't touch this stuff at all.

That really burns.

I want you to do me a solid, Runkle.

I need you to blow this up my bum.

You know, a tush toot.

The old coke in the can, huh?

No biggie.

No, it's no biggie...

No biggie at all.

Got anything a little longer?

We'll use this.

Not so fast. Where you going on a school night, young lady?

Actually, I was hoping we could go grab some ice cream,

make those Cold Stone guys work for their tips.

Really? What, like me and you?

Together?

Like father and daughter, almost, together?

To the Stone that is Cold, together?

That's cool.

What the fuck?

Hank! Mr Moody.

You're not gonna "Mr Hank" your way out of this one, Chelsea.

- Jesus Christ. - Becca said you'd be gone.

- Dad, can you please be cool? - Be cool?

I don't know how much spunk this kid has deposited all over your bedroom!

OK, that was unsavoury, all right? But it had to be said. Now, time to go!

Come on, Chelsea.

You limping, Hank?

Yes, I went jogging this morning, Chelsea, OK? Now go.

You're not interested in what I'm doing.

Is this really how you want to spend your school nights?

- I wasn't doing anything wrong. - You weren't doing anything wrong?

Becca, you invited your friends over

to fuck in your bedroom while you waited outside.

That is disgusting.

And that's hilarious, coming from you and all.

What? I don't understand you.

What the fuck are you thinking? Do you think this house is a bordello?

OK, look...

- Here's the thing. - Actually, Dad, yes.

This house is a bordello, because that's how it's run by you!

Don't you try to turn this around on me. Becca!

Becca! Don't go out that door!

Might as well live whatever life I have left before you ship me off to New York!

Becca. Becca!

Becca.