Original subtitles

My mama used to say, "Son,

you're gonna grow up to be an honest man one day. "

She kept repeating it over and over...

till it was the last thing she said to me before she died...

on a cold winter's day in Chicago.

That was her dream for me.

Not doctor or astronaut.

Just an honest man. A good man.

It seems like a simple wish,

the kind any mother would have for her son.

But in my business, nothing is simple...

and nothing is what it seems.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪Let 'em run over like a big wheel ♪

♪Lie, steal, run, hide Take 'em all for a ride ♪

♪ Call their bluff Have no fear ♪

♪Put Chicago in the rearview mirror ♪

♪I never say die when they put me to the test ♪

♪ The last laugh is still the best ♪

♪I slept with the devil to get what I want ♪

♪Now you see me, baby Now you don't ♪

♪ Got no trouble Got no blues ♪

♪ They think I'm walkin' in a dead man's shoes ♪

♪Rollin'hard 'cross that long highway ♪

♪Don't cry, mama I'll be back one day ♪

♪Rippin'and a-runnin' Can't slow down ♪

♪Blink two times, babe I'm ocean bound ♪

♪I never say die when they put me to the test ♪

♪ The last laugh is still the best ♪

♪I slept with the devil to get what I want ♪

♪Now you see me, whoo Now you don't ♪

♪ Come and get me, baby ♪

♪ Got my true love Got my dream ♪

♪ Things ain't always the way they seem ♪

♪Drivin'fast and I'm livin'high ♪

♪ Gotta keep on movin', baby and that's no lie ♪

♪Sail on It won't be long ♪

♪ They'll be lookin' but we'll be gone ♪

♪Brand-new face new I.D.♪

♪Me and my baby on the high sea ♪

♪I never say die when they put me to the test ♪

♪ The last laugh is still the best ♪

♪I slept with the devil to get what I want ♪

♪Now you see me, whoo Now you don't ♪

Bill, what are you doing? What's going on?

- You're gonna have to leave for a while, honey. - What are you talking about?

Take the truck and drive it to Tulsa Airport.

There's a ticket waiting for you at the United counter.

The 9:55 to L.A.

- When you get there, wait for me. - He's found us, hasn't he?

I got a plan.

Bill, I love you, I really do.

- But all your plans turn to shit. - Come on!

Your life is on the line now, and I can't believe you're just gonna sit here...

and let it ride.

You have gotta come with me. I need you.

I'm gonna be all right. We both are. Trust me.

Huh? Will ya?

All right, you'll be all right. Everything's gonna be all right.

Eight o'clock in the morning, and it's already 95 degrees in the damn shade.

Will you look at you? Lettin' you carry a gun around and everything.

Hey, tell Superfly here I never pack heat. You know that.

Yeah, and I never thought you'd turn rat either.

Look at this place. You think after screwin'over someone like the Skipper,

the Fed's would at least give you a place that was, you know, civilized.

Have you been doing ""word building"" programs?

That's a boner of a word for you, Felix.

All right, Felix, you're the talker.

The guy with the gun to my head is the shooter.

- Gotta have a driver outside, so who's Mr. Tool Time here? - This here's Royce.

He's English, has a thing about bad manners.

I can tell by the way he's tidying up my kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's the little lady?

She's out of town.

- Ow! - I'm gonna ask one more time, Bill. Where's Debra?

She went to Tulsa. She goes there once a week to get her hair done and catch a movie.

Miles, check out the upstairs.

You know, I don't eat that shit myself.

It's P.M.S. food for my wife. I hear it makes you impotent.

Bill ""the Mouth"" Menucci. I've heard a lot about you. Always wanted to meet you.

But now that I have, I've gotta say, you don't look like shit to me.

I sense a little hostility here, Royce.

Or is that sarcasm?

- You almost done? - In a minute, all right?

Let the man eat, Felix. For Christ's sake, he's from England.

This is practically a gourmet meal for him.

Besides, just bein' that ugly must work up one hell of an appetite.

What a comedown, Bill. I mean, you used to be king of the night.

Made sure the Skipper had his hand in every juke joint and crack den in Chicago.

I mean, you had it first-class all the way.

- What happened? - Well, it's like this, Felix.

You start to realize that the world's not a freak show.

People change. They evolve.

E-volve.

Yeah, well, maybe here in Green Acres, but not in my world.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?

I was the one who brought you into the Skipper's organization to begin with. Don't forget.

So don't give me your philosophical bullshit.

I know you too well. You're about as deep as a Jell-O shot.

She ain't here.

Well, I hope you kissed her good-bye, Bill.

Come on, Royce. Are you ready or what?

Hey, hey! Hey, come on!

Hey, Shaft, this is the ""new South."" You're allowed to talk now.

- Shut the fuck up. - If you don't have anything nice to say...

Yeah, well, see, when you betrayed the Skipper, Bill,

you caused a lot of pain.

It took a lot of cannon fodder to protect his ass from the Feds.

A lot of your homeboys got new cribs...

and exciting new jobs,

like pickin'up trash on the side of highways.

But that wasn't enough for you! You had to piss on the Skipper, messin' with his money.

- Felix, I wasn't messin' with it. I flat-out stole it. - Yeah?

Yeah.

And now you get to tell us, baby, where it's at.

Where's the most dangerous place in the world?

Statistically speaking?

- Your asshole. - Yeah, that's very funny.

Come on. Just off the top of your head.

I don't know. New York, L.A.?

I knew it. Everybody says either New York or Los Angeles.

That's what I love about all you Yanks. You're so bloody predictable.

The most dangerous place in the world is not a city.

It's right here in your own wee little home.

I mean, who needs guns and bombs, eh,

when you have got yourself hammers,

chisels, screwdrivers, fishing wire...

and power tools?

Oh, let's have a look.

I fancy the half-inch bit. What do you think, mate?

In your case, that sounds about right.

Oh, does it?

I don't wanna be a killjoy here, all right, guys?

Don't you think you screw-ups should be escorting me out right about now?

Don't go jumpin' the gun. First things first.

- Where's the Skipper's dosh? - I don't have it.

Wrong answer.

Where's the money?

- Where is the fucking money? - All right, all right.

- All right, it's hidden. - I know it's fucking hidden. Hidden where?

I swear to God, it's close! It's on the edge of town.

Where?

- Where? - I swear, it's close to the edge of town!

- I'll take you to it, goddamn it! - Fuck it!

You better not be playin' silly buggers with me.

Shit. I thought they sent assholes like you to Australia.

- Come on, come on. - Ow! Your hands, your hands.

- Your hands are so smooth. - Whoa, where's the dog at?

Why, you wanna do a little carpenter work on his ass, too, Felix?

Well, you're too late. Truck pancaked him.

He was a good dog too. A lot like you, Felix.

You know, real stupid but loyal.

Yeah, well, I'd rather be stupid than dead.

Where the hell you been, man? I been sittin' out here.

If you told me we were gonna go on a trip so I could fry my ass,

I would've...

- What's he still doin' alive? - They asked me to give you a few fashion tips,

Fredo.

Drive, man. Drive.

What in the hell happened in there? I thought we were supposed come and whack him.

Do you see any money? 'Cause we don't do shit till we get the money.

Did he just say whack him? I understand the Skipper mixing up his crews and all,

but when the hell did he start slumming with third-rate goombah wanna-bes?

Don't worry about Nick. He's about as Italian as Pizza Hut.

Hey, let me give you a word of advice there, Nicko.

Remember, you work for the Skipper. When he decides you're obsolete,

guess who's ass gets whacked next?

The fuck you know about the Skipper?

He don't know shit. Nobody's ever seen him.

Well, I have. Saw him and his girl.

Bullshit. He lives on some yacht someplace, circlin' the globe.

Okay, check it out. Bing, bing, bing, I get this call...

to drive the stretch to pick up some chick and take her to this private airstrip.

So when she gets out, there's this old guy waitin' for her in front of this jet.

He's holdin'this umbrella. Got this faggoty-ass rat dog,

like one of them runt greyhounds, you could see his ribs and shit.

It's called a whippet, dipshit.

I'll fuckin' kill ya!

Get your hands on the wheel!

- Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. - Damn, man.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

- What? - We're on fumes, man.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Oh, God, you're good. Didn't you know you're supposed to...

fill up the getaway car before you go ice the mark?

- You slimy-ass piece of shit. - Drive, man. Drive.

I'm driving.

This is really special, Felix. Between affirmative action,

foreign exchange and your idiot flunky wise guy here,

I've seen roadkill that'd last longer than these jokers.

What was that, Billy Boy? Couldn't quite hear you back there.

Fuck you, Fredo.

Bill's upset. Billy Boy's upset. What are we gonna do?

What's the matter? He's upset. Fuck.

♪ Would it matter at all ♪

♪If I should go away ♪

♪ Would it matter at all if I should ♪

♪♪Fill 'er up?

Yep.

- Want me to check the oil too? - I ain't payin' a dime extra.

- All part of the service. - Yeah?

Just don't go screwin' somethin' up, then charge me for it.

Nick.

Hey, listen.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Hear me out, man. Hear me out. Come on.

I don't suppose Felix told you about how much money I managed to acquire from the Skipper.

Did he? Huh?

I'm talkin' three commas, six zeroes and a twelve in front of it.

You skimmed $12 million running numbers and launderin' money?

And guns and broads and drugs.

What can I say? It's a cash business. There's a hell of a lot of secret sauce.

Listen, that's 12 million bucks.

Okay, we split that three ways,

that comes to four mil a piece, cash.

All you gotta do is let me walk. Come on. What do you say? What do you think?

Down!

You move, you die.

Come on!

What the fuck is this?

- Some redneck crap. - Shit.

It's just a local cop. Drink your crap, cool yourself. Let me handle this.

- Stay right there. - Sheriff.

Ollie.

How you fellas doin' today?

Oh, can't complain. Just tryin' to stay cool, Sheriff.

Ah! How the f... How you supposed to open this thing?

Let me show you a little trick.

Grab it by the neck,

and you twist hard.

- What the hell are they doing? - Calm down, Royce. Felix can handle it.

Felix couldn't handle his own dick if it was spot-welded to his hand.

I guess you fellas ain't from around here.

What the hell gave us away? Don't tell me.

It's the rings and shit. Am I right?

Right?

All I'm tryin' to say is, why they're out there talkin' to Barney Fife.

Think about it! That's four million bucks.

That's real money I'm talkin'about.

The only decision is which one of us is gonna drive us the hell out of here.

Shit, we're dead. We're dead.

That copper's just stallin' while he's findin' a way to haul our asses in.

All right, that's it. Get up! I'm gonna take care of him.

- Royce! - Oh, this ought to be good.

See, Harmony's the heart of Sweetwater County.

But the heart's only got one artery, and that's the highway.

- Okay. - It used to be Old Telegraph Road.

Now you get on there, back to the interstate. It's the only way.

Hear that, Royce? We ain't lost after all.

That's a Moon Pie. Sheriff Dex here swears by 'em.

- Well, it's been nice talkin' to you, Sheriff. - Likewise.

Stay cool, man.

- Y'all take it easy now. - All right, man.

Keep the change.

Fuckin' asshole. Gettin' the fuck out of the car like that.

Conley, you out there?

Conley?

Go ahead, boss. What you got?

Some out-of-state bait for ya.

All right. What state?

- Illinois. - Whoo-hoo-hoo! The Land of Lincoln.

I always did hate that son of a bitch.

You want me to, uh, warm up the radar?

Conley, do not warm up the radar. Just track 'em.

And keep your distance.

What'd you say to my boys? They're so quiet, it's like you kicked them in the nuts.

Well, if you're striving for accuracy, they kicked me in the nuts.

Maybe he's just talkin' the same old shit he's been talkin' about all morning.

Okay, I give up. I admit it. I offered to split the money with them if they let me walk.

You should've heard 'em. How much? What does 12 million even look like?

- Could I get mine in pounds? - That's bullshit.

How should we kill 'em? Slit their throats or shoot 'em in the head?

- I suggested they flip for it. - This piece of shit is playing us.

Oh, come on. He's denying it. He's denying it, Felix.

- He's fucking lying! - Yankee son of a bitch! - Put it on, man!

Get off the road!

Get off the...

Stop the van!

Get that damn thing out of sight. Stay with it.

Oh, what the... Man! Stay with the van?

Nice shooting.

What'd you say to me? Blow your fuckin'brains out, you son of a bitch.

Stay with the van. Stay with the fuckin' van.

Shit, shit, shit!

Stay with the fuckin' van.

You wanna tell me what you think you're doin'there, mister?

Oh, uh, sorry, Officer.

Just couldn't hold it anymore.

- That redneck crap goes right through ya. - Uh-huh.

You know we got a law in this state against urinating in public.

In public? Way out here? Hundred miles this side of Mayberry?

You gotta be kiddin', man.

Hey, uh, listen, Officer. If this is about some sort of fine,

why don't I just, uh, make amends...

and we can both be on our way, you know?

- Know what I mean? - Boy.

I sure as hell hope you ain't tryin' to bribe me.

Show me your goddamn license.

- It's in the van. - Go get it.

Okay.

Freeze right there, boy! Don't move!

- Oh, God! - Put your hands above the van!

- Higher! - Officer, if this is about the gun, I can explain.

Conley, that van come by yet?

Oh, God.

Shit.

Go forward.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

♪In the early mornin'♪

♪ On a velvet curtain Thinkin'of you ♪

- Jesus Christ. - My God.

Unless you boys are revenue agents, you'd best stop right there.

We are looking for a man. His name is Bill Menucci. Maybe you've seen him.

What do you want with him?

That's a personal matter. We don't want any trouble, just the man.

You boys got a little blood feud goin', do ya?

Hey, Kyle! Ask this science experiment you call a son to lighten up on the gun.

Huh?

Oh, that's much better. Thank you.

We'll be glad to take him off your hands if you want.

I don't think you boys exactly seem to understand what's going on here.

You two know each other?

Kyle and I are what you call business associates. Right, Kyle?

Well, well, how the mighty fall.

- Bill Menucci, a fucking moonshiner. - Yeah, boy.

- This ain't nothin' less than home brew. - He's being way too modest.

Boys, you just entered into the second largest crystal meth lab in the whole damn county.

See, I was kind enough to loan this son of a bitch some money outta the goodness of my heart.

Since then, I ain't seen dollar one in return.

Some things never change, huh, Billy Boy?

Kyle, I told ya I'm gonna get that money back to ya!

I swear. You don't understand how that pyramid thing works.

It's gotta build. It's an investment.

In the meantime, don't you think you should be looking out for your investment?

Well, if it isn't Mod Squad meets Deliverance?

Okay, everybody, let's just relax now.

Take it real fuckin' easy. I'm sure we can work out some kind of deal.

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. What do you want with these jokers and their chump change?

I got some real dough for you, man.

You can have a piece of like $12 million cash money, Kyle.

- What are you talkin' about? - Felix, tell him.

- Shut up, Bill. - Come on, Felix, tell him. Tell him what you're here for.

You want me to take care of this? I really think I should take care of this.

Son, you think you can pull that trigger...

before my boys spread you out for fertilizer?

I'll take my chances.

What the fuck are you guys doing? Oh, fuck!

Go ahead. Go ahead. Kill me, Felix. That's what you came here to do.

Just kill me! Just kill me! Do it!

Go ahead! Right here!

Oh, shit! You ungrateful piece of...

Why the hell do you think I called you two days ago, huh?

I was givin' you a goddamn head start.

And if you really do got 12 million around here someplace,

what the fuck are you doin' skimmin' dimes from Pappy Yokum back there?

There ain't a drug dealer that I care enough about not to steal the damn money.

Man, you're unbelievable. I mean, all I know is that I gave you the heads-up.

All right? At least I was loyal.

Yeah, you're loyal, Felix. You're so damn loyal,

that when I wouldn't give you a bigger cut of what I was skimming,

- you had to go and call the Skipper, didn't ya? - What choice did I have?

You always have a choice, Felix.

You want your steak medium or rare?

Take a little off the top or trim the sides?

Do I want chocolate or vanilla?

Shit, they'll even soft-swirl it together for you...

for those days when you're really fucking confused.

You always have a choice,

and I made a choice not to sell you out to the Feds!

Yeah? And I warned you that we were comin', all right? So I say we're even.

I guess you're not gonna have a problem killin' me once you get the money back.

I wouldn't waste one fucking iota of time.

- You're an asshole. - Which way to the money, Bill?

All right. All right, don't be an asshole.

It's on the other side of the road there.

Back there.

Okay?

Wait, how do I know this ain't more of your lyin'-ass bullshit?

Well, you don't have a choice now, remember?

Conley, those boys come by yet?

Conley?

I guess no S.O.S. calls for you today.

Goddamn it, Conley, where the hell are you?

If you're sleeping again, I'm gonna rip you a whole new asshole.

Have you gone fucking mental?

Nick's got the keys.

This is good.

I believe we have just been deputized.

Get the dogs.

Conley, if you're out there tracking game with that damn radar gun of yours...

- Not a word. - Okay, okay. Thank God, Sheriff!

- Freeze! - This man was just about to kill me.

I-I'm Bill Menucci. I'm with the Federal Witness Protection Program.

- Get your hands in the air! - You gotta believe me. I'm tellin' the truth.

- I don't know what he's talkin' about. He's nuts. - That's bullshit!

He was trying to kill me. He's got a gun stuck in the back of his pants.

Right there! Go on, Felix. Show the man. Show him how happy you are to see him.

Shut up! Now get on your knees. Slowly.

He's talkin' to you, Felix.

If I have to say it again, I start blowin' off heads, and if you don't think I will,

just ask the buck that's hangin' on my wall.

- God... - I'm cooperative.

Oh, Sheriff, you got a good instinct for bad guys.

He's a bad guy. I'm a good guy. I mean, look at that tie. It's a dead giveaway.

Shut up!

Where are your friends from the gas station?

Look, man, we kinda got lost on our way to the interstate.

You must have shit for brains 'cause I gave you pretty clear directions.

- I've seen you around, haven't I? - Yes, sir, you have.

Yeah, you live out on the old Wilson Place, don't you?

Yes, sir, that's what I've been tryin' to tell ya.

I'm a transplant, transplanted here by the U.S. government.

That sweet Uncle Sam put me here as a reward...

for helping out and serving my country.

You gotta call the Feds. You gotta believe me.

I don't gotta believe jack.

Keep your eyes out for Bill.

Are you thick or something?

Listen, as far as I'm concerned, this road trip is over.

We should've finished him off back at the house.

It's not over till we find him.

All right, Mr. Do Right, whatever you say.

Just let me know where you want me to drop you off. I ain't stickin' around.

The Skipper's paid us to do a job.

He's not gonna be happy if we come back without his money.

Oh, sweetJesus Christ. How many fucking cops can one town have?

Conley. Son of a bitch. There you are.

What the...

Shit.

I don't mean to be critical, but your boy, Royce,

I've had after-dinner mints that were smarter.

- I hope to hell you didn't give him a green card. - Shut the fuck up.

They're catching up, if that concerns you at all.

Shit, fuck.

Shit.

- Damn! - I got you now, you sons of bitches.

Piss off!

- Take the wheel. Take the wheel! - What?

Sons of bitches.

Bastards!

- Damn! - Oh, shit!

Hey, hey! Wait, wait. Nice driving.

Shit.

Bill's gone.

Damn! This is fucking unbelievable.

Give it up. So he may be a total wanker, but he's got more lives than a bloody cat.

Yeah, well, he couldn't have gotten far.

You Americans are unbelievable. You actually believe in this ""never say die"" shit.

The rest of the world just think you're totally fucking stupid.

Hey, what are you doing? You can't just walk away from one of the Skipper's jobs.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

If I run into this Billy Boy of yours, I'll kill him for you.

- How's that? - What about Felix?

Fuck him. He can take care of himself.

Cheerio.

Asshole.

Shit.

Well, cheerio, motherfucker.

I think your arms are broke. I'd just stay still if I was you.

Help me, man.

Hang tough, buddy. We'll have you out of there in two shakes.

So you wanna tell me why you were trying to kill your friend back there?

I wasn't. Just get me out of here.

Yeah, I'll get you out, but you gotta work with me first.

I'll tell you whatever you want me to know. Just get me to a doctor.

I don't think you're listenin' to me, boy.

Here's how it's gonna go. I ask you a question, you give me an answer.

- Understand? - No, I don't understand. Just get me out.

Now do you understand?

Why were you tryin' to kill your friend back there?

He stole... s-some money from a man in Chicago.

How much?

Twelve million.

Now that's a powerful amount of money.

I don't suppose he opened a savings account, did he?

- Where is it? - I don't know.

There's two things a man in your situation needs to be made aware of.

This car's gas tank is leaking something fierce,

and I'm dying for a Marlboro.

- I told you, I don't know! - Yeah.

Yeah, I tried that Nicorette crap,

but I gotta tell ya, there's nothing like that first drag,

pulling that smoke into your lungs...

and holding it down tight like some little thing on prom night.

Come on, officer, this shit ain't funny.

Bill's got it hidden. He didn't tell me where.

I'm tellin' ya the God's honest truth. Please.

Well, I guess if he didn't tell ya,

this conversation's over.

You can't leave me here. I swear to God, that's all I know.

What the hell kind of cop are you?

The kind that can't kick a bad habit.

No!

You have a nice day now.

Wait, wait. Okay, okay. Hey, hey.

Now you listen to me, you bloody ingrate bastard.

Now I had nothing to do with those other sons of bitches.

I was just along for the ride.

Then you sure took the wrong ride, boy.

Release them dogs.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't pull this trigger right now? Hello.

I'll give you two. First, my gun is bigger.

Second, because I'm an undercover agent. Special Agent Coltrane, FBI.

- Aw, that's bullshit. - Be smart, Bill. Be smart for once in your life.

All right, if you're FBI, then why didn't you warn me the crew was coming?

I've been under two years, deep cover, trying to get the Skipper.

There's a little invention. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called a telephone!

Which part of""deep cover"" don't you understand?

I don't have regular contact with the Bureau.

I didn't even know where we were going until I got in that van.

- Bullshit! You're lyin' to me! - I didn't know, all right?

No, it's not all right. I'm hangin' by my foot by a fuckin' tree,

wonderin' who the hell's gonna try to kill me next.

- What's my Protection number? - Three-two-five, Henry-seven-eight.

Shit. You bastards.

Witness Protection, my ass. You Feds couldn't hide shit.

You know what, Bill? Fuck you, man.

- No, fuck you! No, fuck you! - No, fuck you! Fuck you...

and your smart mouth and your bullshit schemes.

As I recall, the evidence you gave the Bureau didn't get us within ten miles of the Skipper.

Yeah, here's a tip. Tell your people to hire real accountants.

I mean, kindergartners with calculators can do better that those jackass yahoos.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but I bet they still couldn't have found...

the 12 million you stashed away, huh, Bill?

I think that money was my retirement fund...

and none of your business.

- Besides, nobody asked me. - Well, now I'm asking. Where's the money?

Oh, yeah, like you're gonna cut me a fucking deal, right? You don't give a shit about me.

You're right, Bill, I don't give a shit about you, but I will cut you a deal.

- Shit. - Here's my deal.

You take me to the money, and you might live to see tomorrow.

I'll even get you back in the Protection Program. Otherwise...

Otherwise, I'll just leave you hangin' up there. Like Kibbles and Bits.

Negotiation is definitely not your strong suit.

I don't really think you're in the position to negotiate.

I get the money, I use it to flush out the Skipper. Your time's runnin' out.

Now you do whatever you want, but the only other scenario I see panning out for you...

is your fat ass strapped to the hood of some redneck's pickup.

Fine.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Wait, come here.

- You gotta get me back to the house. - Fuck you.

No, come on, I swear, I swear. Don't be such an asshole.

Just get me to the house, and I'll get you the money. Honest to God.

Trust me when I say this.

You better not be lying to me.

What are you doin'?

- Hey! - I was out. Thanks.

Aw, damn!

Come on, come on, move!

You ain't got a chance, boy!

SweetJesus. Billy Bob, is that you?

Darla, hey! How you doin', honey? You mind givin' us a ride?

You boys gave us a good old scare. I don't mind me tellin' you.

We certainly do appreciate it, Darla.

Sarah Jane, don't stare. It's not polite.

I guess your luck ain't all bad today.

Startin'to wonder till you came along.

SarahJane and I are due to drop off lunch for Conley here in town.

- After that, we'll take you where you're going. - Well, actually...

That'll be fine. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you kindly.

How's your husband, Darla?

Oh, you know Conley. He's fine.

Yeah, well, you know, being deputy sheriff and all,

got a lot of responsibilities, don't he?

If that ain't a hoot and a half.

Nothin' ever happens in Harmony. You know that.

You hear that, Miles? We're in safe hands here...

in Harmony.

- Come on, honey. - Boo!

Come on!

Be right back. Oh, keep the windows down.

Wouldn't want you to get sticky.

Let me give you a tip, all right?

Least you could have done is commandeer the damn vehicle.

- I'm commandeering your ass. Get the hell out. Move! - You're moody.

Conley? Dex?

Anyone here?

Oh, shit.

So, Miles, why didn't you run into the station...

and embrace your brothers in law enforcement?

I get it. Can't stop till you bring down the Skipper, right?

Get your picture plastered all over the TV, the book deal.

In for the whole enchilada, are you, Miles?

You know, there's a lot more at stake in this operation than your punk ass,

if that's what you're drivin' at.

Besides, Darla, she's not gonna find Conley at the station.

- 'Cause last I checked, he's dead. - Jesus Christ.

Do you wanna walk in there and explain...

how that little girl's father, the deputy sheriff of this town,

happened to wind up facedown in the dirt?

You keep movin'.

Anybody home?

Conley?

It's Dex. I'll be right out.

Hi, Dex.

- Where's my Conley? - He's out on patrol.

Mmm. Perfect.

Oh, darlin'. What happened to you?

- Darla, this isn't a good time. - Why not?

Darla.

We've got ourselves a situation here.

Got some criminal types runnin' around the county...

stirrin' up God knows what kind of trouble.

- Criminal types? - Mm-hmm.

They're in my car.

Sheriff.

It's all right. I was just sayin'hey.

They were there before.

How far to your house on foot from here?

Oh, about 15, 20 minutes.

My Indian tracker's down at the reservation getting hammered on paint thinner,

so I can't say for certain.

We're gonna avoid the damn roads.

I'm not interested in meeting any more cops or their immediate families.

They'll probably charge you with an accessory to murder.

They won't give a shit if you're undercover or not.

Yeah? Recoverin' that money, bringin' the Skipper down...

that's gonna forgive a lot of sins.

I don't know. Black man killin' a white cop...

Unless you're a Heisman Trophy winner...

How about a black man killin' a white stoolie motormouth...

by sprayin' his brains all over the creamed corn...

because he won't shut the hell up?

Let me ask you a question. Who the fuck is Puff Daddy?

Billy Bob, is that you?

I haven't seen you 'round here for a while.

Well, Frances, how the hell are ya?

You're lookin'just beautiful today.

What's goin'on with you?

The darned ice-cream freezer's on the blink again.

And the Nutty Buddies are meltin' all over the damn place.

The damn heat, you know. It's hard to keep that refrigeration goin'.

- How's Debra? - Well, you know Debra.

She goes down to Tulsa.

- She's gettin' her hair done, catchin' a movie. - Billy Bob.

She ain't sweatin' it out like the rest of us.

Billy Bob, you look like you're doin' a might more than sweatin'.

Well, hell. She got in a damn accident with that truck,

and I'm tryin' to fix it myself.

Look at me. I can't report a man seriously.

It can go sky-high. You know that.

Who's your friend?

Danzel. This is Danzel.

Billy Bob, we gotta get outta here now.

You mind if I get a couple of things to take with us?

You like the jerky, don't you, Danzel?

Look what they got here. We got beef jerky, turkey jerky, goat jerky.

We got rabbit jerky. What kinda jerky you like?

- What the hell are you doin'? - I am thirsty, Danzel.

Let me get you somethin'to drink too.

You look a little stressed.

Hey! Look at this. This is great.

You ever have this? This is like Dr. Pepper, but without the medical degree.

Is that gonna be cash or charge, Billy Bob?

Damned Debra took all my money. I'm gonna have to charge it.

- You know the drill. - Yeah, I know the drill.

Let me ask you a question. What's the theory behind those fly strips?

They're just sticky, right? The flies just fly right into their death?

- Why, I don't know. - Why don't you order me some and ship 'em to the house.

Hey, Frances, you ever hear of Puff Daddy?

Is that a cereal?

Billy Bob, now.

It takes a little time here in the south.

They're more hospitable than you are in that urban country.

We're way out there where the hoot owls are screwin'the chickens.

How's that? Did I do that right?

I'm always messin'it up.

Put your hands up!

Oh, shit!

Look, I don't know what he told you, but I'm...

He's goin' for his gun!

Okay, okay, okay! Hold on!

Just wait! I was reachin'for my I.D.

- I'm a federal agent. - That's bullshit. Bullshit!

You can get 20 to life just for pointin'that thing at me.

He's lyin'. He's lyin', Frances.

He killed Conley. And I was next.

Look, he's got a gun.

He's a killer, Frances. He's a killer of people.

Bill, you son of a... Frances, you are makin' the biggest mistake of your life.

Be that as it may, I'll just let Sheriff Dryer sort it out.

That's right. Frances, I'll go call him right now.

- Good idea. - Be careful. This man's a deadly man.

- Look at him. - Bill.

He's bad. Don't be afraid now to shoot him right in the head.

He's scary. He's bad.

- Bill. - Keep that gun on him.

Bill. Bill. This ain't gonna turn out the way you think.

Bill! Bill!

Stay where you are.

Frances, now, Billy Bob, he didn't call the sheriff.

Billy Bob, what's the good word back there?

Frances, he's gone. He left.

He went out back, got in your car.

He found the keys you probably hide above the visor...

and took off, leaving you in a shitload of trouble.

I hide my spare behind the wheel rim.

Excuse me for saying this, but that's about as smart...

as choosing one, two, three, four as your PI N number.

Frances, Billy Bob is really Bill Menucci,

an ex-con who's in a whole mess of trouble with the FBI.

Do you want to be responsible for letting him get away?

Do you?

Now, listen to me, Frances.

One of two things can happen here.

I can wrestle that gun away from you,

and one of us could end up dead.

Or you could just hand it over,

get into that cooler.

I'll just lock you in there with all those half-frozen Nutty Buddies.

But if you don't make up your mind fast,

I'm gonna have to make it up for you.

You're not gonna try and...

rape me or anything, are you, Mr. Danzel?

Frances, I can honestly say the thought never even crossed my mind.

Oh, Jesus.

Shit!

- Debra! - Bill! Thank God.

Thank God it's you. I was so scared.

What the hell you doin' here? You're supposed to be in L.A.

I missed my flight. When I drove back, I found the house like this.

- Jesus. - It's the Skipper, isn't it?

I'll tell you all about it when we're lyin' on the beach in St. Tropez sipping champagne.

I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again.

Don't get all gushy. I told you I had a plan.

I may have hit a few potholes, but I'm still here. Right?

- Bill, let's get the money and get outta here. - All right. All right.

All right. Go downstairs, get in the truck and wait for me.

Hey, where is your truck?

It's over at my house.

It's about goddamn time you showed up. I've ripped this place apart.

Put your claws back in, baby.

I came as fast as I could.

Jesus Christ.

Come on, Bill. Do you really think I was drivin' to Tulsa every week?

Well, yeah.

I mean, your hair always looked nice.

Does this mean you didn't see Titanic 40 times?

I bought the CD and the video cassette.

That video cassette was hard to get.

I'll have to give it to my niece.

- How the hell could you? - It was easy.

Strange how someone who spends his entire life lying to survive...

doesn't expect to be lied to.

I could never trust you, Bill.

Who could?

You had yourself a fine slice of woman here, Bill.

Too bad you couldn't satisfy her.

I guess it takes a country boy to plow such fertile soil.

Yeah, she must be a real step up for you...

after all those years of pluggin' tree trunks with your dick.

I'm sick of your lip, boy.

What's this money I keep hearin'so much about?

Tell me, Debra. Do you think you and your deputy dog here can double-cross the Skipper?

The only reason he found you...

was 'cause this lady was kind enough...

to call him up and tell him where you were.

You called the Skipper. Oh, that's beautiful.

No, actually, that's a damn haiku.

I'm sorry, Bill. You settled. You pulled the plug.

I can't get excited about growing old...

in this backwater hellhole.

Neither can Dex. Can you, baby?

That's right, sugar.

The problem is I don't want to grow old with someone who lies to me.

What are you talking about?

You told me Bill here only stole 120,000.

Oh, you're rich.

Oh, that's a knee-slapper.

Don't you think you left out a few zeroes there, sugar?

Dex, I was gonna tell you.

Sure you were, sugar. Sure you were.

Jesus. Fuckin'animal!

See, the way I figure it, when the Skipper fella...

hears the both of you are dead,

that ought to be the end of it.

I think I'm gonna buy myself a van Gogh.

You gonna tell me where the money is?

I don't need to tell you jack shit.

The way I figure it,

by the time you're done cleanin' up this mess and buryin' the bodies,

you'll still be drivin' that pissant squad car givin' out parking tickets.

Uh-uh. I know you've got it buried around here somewhere.

Otherwise, why'd you come back?

If it takes me a week or a month...

or a year,

I'll find it.

So, you see, Bill,

I don't really need you at all, do I?

Oh, be sure and say hi to Debra for me.

You can open your eyes, Bill.

Miles!

Oh, God, Miles, listen.

I'm really sorry about what happened at the store with Frances.

I mean, what can I do?

Come on. Let's talk. It's just you and me now.

I got the bullets, and I got the gun.

So no more games and no more bullshit. Where is it?

What's this pushin'? What's this Mr. ""T"" bullshit? What are you so uptight about?

I'm the one who's got to live with the image of my wife getting shot in the head...

by the sheriff who was fuckin' her.

Okay. I'm over it.

- I'll take you to the money. - Get up.

- You expectin' a call? - Get the damn phone.

Coming.

Hello.

You got to the count of ten to show your face.

Tsk.

- How many guns you got? - You must be outta your mind.

Come on. This is not the time for your G-man bullshit.

You got three guns, unless you can shoot with your toes.

Goddamn it, Bill. I'm not givin' you a gun.

Do you think I'm stupid enough to shoot a federal agent?

Matter of fact, yes, I do.

- Come on! - Shit.

You put that near me, I swear to God, you're D.O.A., guaranteed.

Wait a minute. I got a gun upstairs.

It was given to me by the Skipper.

I never use it unless it's absolutely necessary.

The .38 taped above your toilet?

- I found that this morning. - Next to the money?

I'm jokin'. Lighten up. Come on.

- You gonna get it? - What if it's my mother-in-law?

Get the phone!

Fuckin' hillbillies with cell phones.

Hello. This is Billy Bob. I'm sorry I can't get to the phone right now,

but hold on, hold on, let me turn the machine on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Kyle, how are ya. I'm sorry I couldn't pick up the phone earlier.

I was busy havin' my ass shot off.

You know, it used to be you'd just come up and knock on the front door.

Tell me where the money is.

You listen to me, you little fuckin' Gomer. We had a goddamn deal.

150,000 in your compound to take 'em out, no questions asked.

You son of a bitch.

I don't recall taping a shotgun to my head and opening negotiations with the guys...

I gave you money to kill as being part of the fuckin' deal, Kyle.

I musta dialed wrong.

I musta got the goddamn psychic hot line...

'cause I'm talkin' to a dead man.

Asshole.

Don't look at me like that. You came down here to kill me.

Wasn't like you came here for the nightlife.

- One, two... - Break.

- That little shitkicker is faster than he looks. - One more time.

Ready? Go.

Hey, I think I got one.

So, Bill, tell me.

Why didn't you run when you had the chance?

Listen, Miles, even a guy like me gets tired of runnin'.

Besides, Debra and I had plans.

- You golf? - No.

- Like baseball? - No.

Well, so much for male bonding.

Hey, you like Dionne Warwick?

- Yeah, I like her. - Yeah, she's good.

Go low.

- I'll go upstairs. - I know the upstairs better.

I'll go upstairs.

- All right. - Let's go.

Oh, shit!

You big dummy.

Hey, punk.

Come here. Come on, boy.

I've been lookin' for this battery.

Kyle! How are you, good neighbor?

I'm really sorry about that Gomer stuff back there.

I was really under a lot of stress.

My wife just got killed and all that gunfire.

Hey, good news in that pyramid thing.

- Where's your partner? - Him?

He's dead. That no-good cop bagged him back in town.

He was tryin' to get him to tell him where the money was.

But that money is yours and mine now, right?

Tell you what. I'll keep an eye out for it while I'm diggin' your grave.

Jesus. Aw, shit.

Jesus, Miles. Miles, thank you for that!

You know, you always show up at the right time.

That son of a bitch was gonna kill me.

You are a good man, Miles.

- What? What? - The money.

What's with the gun?

Hey, we just kicked some redneck ass, and I saved yours.

Didn't you hear me? I told 'em you were dead.

I told 'em that no-good sheriff bagged him back in town.

Jesus.

What the fuck's that about?

The money. Now.

Huh? Come on. After all we've been through?

This is a partnership. This is like Hope and Crosby, like Gibson and Glover,

like Hootie and the Blowfish.

- You can't do this, Miles. - Shut up.

You're a damn federal officer.

I got some rights no matter what. You took an oath.

Come on, Bill. Where is it?

It's in there.

Get it.

- It's right here. I'm gettin' it. - Get it.

Be careful, Bill, very, very careful.

- What the hell is this? - That's the money. I told you...

Christ!

Shit!

What kind of federal officer are you?

Bill, you are pathetic.

Oh, shit. Shit.

You been lyin' to me? I trusted you?

Oh, shit!

How did you know my Protection number?

Oh, I know how you knew it. I didn't know it.

You bullshitted me. You played the odds.

You're good, man. You bluffed me. I believed you.

You shouldn't believe everything you hear.

You should know that, Bill. Now, where's the money?

It never left Chicago.

You're lyin' to me, Bill.

- Oh, God, I'm not! - You're lyin' to me, Bill. I'm tired of your bullshit.

- Where's the money? - I'm tellin' the truth.

I'm gonna kill you, man. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

- Where's the money? - Jesus Christ! It's in Chicago.

It's in a self-storage place in Chicago. DeSoto Storage, Eighth and DeSoto.

Do you think if I had the money here I'd hang around this fuckin'shithole?

I couldn't go to Chicago. I was stuck.

I had to wait till I got rid of you bastards.

I'm not fuckin' with ya!

My wallet. Get my wallet.

Oh, you bastard.

Take the photo out... of me and Debra.

Turn it over.

That was the boat we were gonna buy and sail away on...

until you bastards came down here.

You backstabbing son of a bitch.

Well...

sure is nice to see that you can tell the truth...

when you have the proper motivation, Bill.

Too bad you didn't have somebody around to shoot you every day.

Well, it's been a real pleasure meeting you...

after all these years.

Gotta go.

What are you talkin' about, ""after all these years""?

Who are you?

Oh, that's my lucky gun,

the one the Skipper gave me.

I never use it, unless I absolutely...

Have to.

I know.

Who the hell are you?

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

My mama always said,

"Sometimes it takes a miracle to save some people. "

God knows Mama prayed for a miracle,

but it never came, at least not for me.

I never did find that money.

But not a day goes by when the thought of it doesn't burn right through me.

Maybe Bill spent it all, or maybe he gambled it away.

Whatever he did, I guess you've got to admire a man...

who can look death in the face...

and still tell you a stone-cold lie.

Come on.

♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪

♪A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪

♪ That's what you get for all your trouble ♪

♪I'll never fall in love again ♪

♪I'll never fall in love again ♪

♪ What do you get when you kiss a guy ♪

♪ You get enough germs to catch pneumonia ♪

I made a lot of money back in the States...

with this pyramid investment.

Do you have some friends that got extra capital?

You see, the pyramid is a very simple thing.

You invest say... How much you got?

All right. Say you have $500.

You give me $500 for two weeks, and I give you $1,500 back.

But you have to get other people to invest.

You see, it's a pyramid.

You ever been to Egypt?

♪ That is why I'm here to remind you ♪

♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪

♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪

♪So for at least until tomorrow ♪

♪I'll ♪

♪Never fall in love again ♪

♪No, no, I'll never fall in love again ♪

♪I'm outta those chains Those chains that bind you ♪

♪ That is why I'm here to remind you ♪

♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪

♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪

♪So for at least until tomorrow ♪

♪I'll ♪

♪Never fall in love again ♪

♪Don't you know that I'll ♪

♪Never fall in love again ♪

♪I'll never fall in love ♪

♪Again ♪