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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:03,470
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:03,511 --> 00:00:04,771
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:06,072
Chappelle's Show.
4
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,374
Oww.
5
00:00:07,415 --> 00:00:09,977
Woo-hoo-hoo.
6
00:00:10,018 --> 00:00:11,712
Woo-hoo.
7
00:00:11,753 --> 00:00:13,881
Yeah, yeah.
8
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Let's start
the show.
9
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:24,047
(woman) And now, a moment
in the life of Lil' Jon.
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:26,894
Lil' Jon?
11
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,629
Yeah!
12
00:00:28,670 --> 00:00:30,837
I understand you may have
fractured your arm.
13
00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:32,533
Yeah.
14
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Let's take a look.
15
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,436
Okay!
16
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,171
Does this hurt?
17
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:40,340
No.
18
00:00:40,381 --> 00:00:41,642
Does this?
19
00:00:41,683 --> 00:00:43,377
Not really, no.
20
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,112
This?
21
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,281
No.
22
00:00:47,322 --> 00:00:48,582
What about this?
23
00:00:48,623 --> 00:00:51,184
Yeah!
24
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:52,486
All right then.
25
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,261
Do you have your proof
of insurance?
26
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,088
What?!
27
00:00:55,129 --> 00:00:56,389
Proof of insurance?
28
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,257
What?!
29
00:00:57,298 --> 00:00:58,599
Proof of insurance?
30
00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,426
What?!
31
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:00,767
Proof of insurance?
32
00:01:00,768 --> 00:01:02,029
Huh?!
33
00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:04,631
Proof of insurance?
34
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,234
What?!
35
00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:08,575
Proof of insurance?
36
00:01:08,576 --> 00:01:09,403
What?!
37
00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:10,744
What?!
Your proof of insurance?
38
00:01:10,745 --> 00:01:12,045
Your proof of insurance?
What?!
39
00:01:12,046 --> 00:01:13,780
Huh?!
Your proof of insurance?
40
00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,121
Proof of insurance?
41
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,210
Yeah!
42
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:19,379
Oh, it's right here.
43
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,415
Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?
44
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,151
What?!
45
00:01:24,192 --> 00:01:26,360
Do you do any
recreational drugs?
46
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(laughs)
47
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That depends doctor.
48
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What do you
define as "drugs?"
49
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Medication?
50
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,465
No.
51
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Cocaine?
52
00:01:39,374 --> 00:01:40,634
Absolutely not.
53
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Marijuana?
54
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Yeah!
55
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Yeah, yeah!
56
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What?!
57
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Nothing.
58
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:51,504
What?!
59
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:52,779
Nothing.
60
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:53,647
Pardon me?
61
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Nothing, just writing.
62
00:01:55,423 --> 00:01:56,249
What?!
63
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I didn't say anything.
64
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What?!
65
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Be done in a second.
66
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Okay!
67
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Fine.
68
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What?!
69
00:02:04,098 --> 00:02:06,226
Need anything?
70
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:07,134
No, I'm cool.
71
00:02:07,135 --> 00:02:08,001
Okay.
Okay.
72
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,302
You've just watched
73
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a moment in
the life of Lil' Jon.
74
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(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
75
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Hey, hey,
oh, what's happening, yo?
76
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What's up everybody?
77
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Welcome to
the Chappelle show.
78
00:02:29,257 --> 00:02:31,818
Thank you for
being here.
79
00:02:31,859 --> 00:02:34,421
Man.
80
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You know, folks,
you might've heard me say this
81
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publicly many times,
82
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:40,534
but this time
I mean it.
83
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,096
I've, I've quit
smoking reefer.
84
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(laughing)
85
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No, I'm serious
this time, man.
86
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This... I'm done.
87
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,341
I don't want to
smoke it no more.
88
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:50,077
Them commercials be workin'
on me, man.
89
00:02:50,078 --> 00:02:51,378
Every time I
seen them commercials,
90
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they just had me
feeling bad.
91
00:02:53,114 --> 00:02:55,242
Especially this one.
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(man) Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
93
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(man)
Hold your horses, man.
94
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We all hungry.
95
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,049
Are your horses
here, yo?
96
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,391
(man) Yo, let me hold them for you, man.
97
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,953
(laughing)
98
00:03:06,994 --> 00:03:09,162
Let me get my
cheddar burger, man.
99
00:03:09,163 --> 00:03:10,897
We've been here
a long time.
100
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:13,026
(coughing)
You all right.
101
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(laughing)
102
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No, cheddar
for you, man.
103
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Give me a
cheddar burger, man.
104
00:03:23,911 --> 00:03:25,645
Man, chill out with
that cheddar burger.
105
00:03:25,646 --> 00:03:27,340
Yeah, chill out.
106
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:30,811
Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
107
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You gotta eat
that burger, dude.
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Shit.
109
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Subtitles downloaded from Podnapisi.NET
110
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You killed her, yo!
111
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Come on, man, we gotta
chop her body up
112
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and stuff it
down the drain!
113
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,105
Let's go, let's get
the fuck outta here!
114
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,840
I can't, man,
there's people back there.
115
00:03:53,841 --> 00:03:55,102
Shit!
116
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(screaming)
117
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Fuck it.
Come on!
118
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,741
Let's go, let's go!
119
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:08,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
120
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:13,754
(applauding)
121
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,091
(laughing)
122
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:19,825
I just love the fact
that I have a show
123
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,601
where we can run over a kid
124
00:04:21,602 --> 00:04:24,204
and everyone just
busts out laughing.
125
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Only this show.
126
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Well, folks,
here he is...
127
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America's favorite,
my favorite...
128
00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:32,839
Mr. Paul Mooney.
129
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:36,743
And now, "Mooney On Movies."
130
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Our first film is
"Gone With The Wind."
131
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This film is an epic romance
132
00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:44,157
centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,
133
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:47,153
a damsel in distress
during the Civil War.
134
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,756
It is a must-own,
must-see movie.
135
00:04:49,797 --> 00:04:51,367
I highly recommend it.
136
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:52,399
I couldn't agree
with you more.
137
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,134
I've actually seen
"Gone With The Wind"
138
00:04:54,135 --> 00:04:56,303
13 times since I was
10 years old.
139
00:04:56,304 --> 00:04:57,564
No kidding.
140
00:04:57,605 --> 00:04:58,905
You must be on crack.
141
00:04:58,906 --> 00:05:01,467
I don't think we've seen
the same movie.
142
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I thought Scarlett was a ho,
143
00:05:03,244 --> 00:05:07,107
because she went bed with
everybody, uh, but Mammy.
144
00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:09,276
Um, I love Mammy.
145
00:05:09,317 --> 00:05:10,183
Mammy was the best...
146
00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:11,484
the best scene
in the movie
147
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:12,786
is when Mammy
told the white people,
148
00:05:12,787 --> 00:05:15,782
"get off my porch,
white trash!"
149
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,956
I stood and I applauded.
150
00:05:17,992 --> 00:05:19,292
I loved
every bit of it.
151
00:05:19,293 --> 00:05:20,553
I liked Mammy, though.
152
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,461
I really... I thought
she was great.
153
00:05:21,462 --> 00:05:22,762
I thought she
had a great role...
154
00:05:22,763 --> 00:05:25,365
do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniels?
155
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,534
They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.
156
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,685
That's a shame.
157
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,095
Hollywood... no, no...
158
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,004
Hollywood goes
too far.
159
00:05:31,005 --> 00:05:32,305
But she's dead,
but she's dead...
160
00:05:32,306 --> 00:05:33,607
but everybody comes back,
161
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everybody comes back
to get their money.
162
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:37,077
She came back
as Oprah Winfrey
163
00:05:37,078 --> 00:05:40,507
to get her money.
164
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,716
Barbershop is
a smart comedy about
165
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,885
a day in the life
of a black barbershop
166
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,012
on the south side
of Chicago.
167
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,355
It is owned by Ice Cube
168
00:05:48,356 --> 00:05:51,391
and inhabited by
a colorful cast of characters
169
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,861
who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.
170
00:05:54,862 --> 00:05:56,596
Recently,
a sequel was made.
171
00:05:56,597 --> 00:05:57,898
You know it's just a front.
172
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It really... they really sell
drugs out of barbershops.
173
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,328
Uh...
174
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,440
"The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,
175
00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:09,609
a Civil War veteran
who goes to Japan
176
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and teaches the emperor's
troops how to fight.
177
00:06:12,213 --> 00:06:13,473
Mr. Mooney?
178
00:06:13,514 --> 00:06:14,814
No, no, another
movie that's...
179
00:06:14,815 --> 00:06:16,509
I was offended by.
180
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,678
I mean,
Hollywood is crazy.
181
00:06:18,719 --> 00:06:23,884
"The Last Samurai"
starring Tom Cruise?
182
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:24,751
Mm-hmm.
183
00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:26,092
He's the
last samurai?
184
00:06:26,093 --> 00:06:27,354
Give me a break.
185
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:29,129
That movie
was offensive.
186
00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:30,430
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
187
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,033
First, they have
"The Mexican" with Brad Pitt,
188
00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:34,334
and now they've got
"The Last Samurai"
189
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:35,595
with Tom Cruise.
190
00:06:35,636 --> 00:06:36,896
Well, I've written
a film.
191
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,238
Maybe they'll, maybe
they'll produce my film:
192
00:06:38,239 --> 00:06:41,274
"The Last Nigger On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.
193
00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,403
How about that?
194
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:46,006
(applauding)
195
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:48,648
Were gonna take a
quick commercial break.
196
00:06:48,649 --> 00:06:52,078
Well be right back,
don't go nowhere.
197
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,355
Ha-ha, go ahead.
198
00:07:02,396 --> 00:07:08,428
Welcome back to
Chappelle's Show, everybody.
199
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,766
Man.
200
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,935
Now, has anybody ever...
201
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:19,706
seen this thing on ESPN,
these poker games now.
202
00:07:19,747 --> 00:07:21,007
Like poker...
203
00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:23,609
I didn't even know
poker was a sport.
204
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,385
They... that's weird,
right?
205
00:07:25,386 --> 00:07:26,686
Poker championships.
206
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:29,289
I didn't know that
gambling was so acceptable.
207
00:07:29,290 --> 00:07:31,024
And then I was watching
late at night
208
00:07:31,025 --> 00:07:34,835
they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,
209
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,229
like the "World Series
of Dice."
210
00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:37,924
It's crazy.
211
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:41,394
I'm serious,
it's right... look.
212
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,037
(man) Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
213
00:07:44,038 --> 00:07:45,772
and welcome to
the Marcy Projects
214
00:07:45,773 --> 00:07:47,901
here in Brooklyn,
New York.
215
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,242
Why are we here?
216
00:07:49,243 --> 00:07:50,503
To buy weed?
217
00:07:50,544 --> 00:07:51,845
Not this time, Bill.
218
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,539
Nope, every one knows
we're here for one reason
219
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,275
and one reason only,
220
00:07:55,316 --> 00:07:57,484
we're here for
the Eighth Annual
221
00:07:57,485 --> 00:08:00,046
"World Series of Dice."
222
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,388
Well, that's right, Rob.
223
00:08:01,389 --> 00:08:03,123
Some of the greatest players
from around the world
224
00:08:03,124 --> 00:08:05,291
have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:
225
00:08:05,292 --> 00:08:06,593
One another's money
226
00:08:06,594 --> 00:08:08,328
and bragging rights
for the whole year.
227
00:08:08,329 --> 00:08:11,758
Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.
228
00:08:11,799 --> 00:08:14,401
From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooter
229
00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:16,529
Grits n' Gravy.
230
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,264
Grits n' Gravy.
231
00:08:18,305 --> 00:08:20,000
Kansas city, missouri.
232
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,076
Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu.
233
00:08:23,077 --> 00:08:24,811
One of the premier
dice players
234
00:08:24,812 --> 00:08:26,622
in the eastern hemisphere.
235
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,541
He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.
236
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:31,277
Phyuck Yiu.
237
00:08:31,318 --> 00:08:33,446
Konichiwa, bitches!
238
00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:36,049
Drop the card, baby!
239
00:08:36,090 --> 00:08:37,824
And that's
Leonard Washington.
240
00:08:37,825 --> 00:08:38,691
You know they say,
241
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,722
"papa didn't
take no mess."
242
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,162
Well, neither does Leonard.
243
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:43,897
My name's
Leonard Washington.
244
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,158
Where I'm from?
245
00:08:45,199 --> 00:08:46,499
A little town called,
246
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:49,062
"none of your
goddamned business."
247
00:08:49,103 --> 00:08:50,403
Let's play
some dice, bitches.
248
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:53,873
And finally, from these
very projects, local legend
249
00:08:53,874 --> 00:08:55,568
Ashy Larry.
250
00:08:55,609 --> 00:08:59,039
Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?
251
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,075
Well, there's your answer.
252
00:09:02,116 --> 00:09:03,376
Ashy Larry.
253
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,467
Marcy Projects.
254
00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,846
Marcy, son... what.
255
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:10,750
Okay, Larry gets
first roll.
256
00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:12,485
Let's see how he does.
257
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,662
That man is drier than
Kunta Kinte's ankle.
258
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,372
Come on, let's go.
259
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,068
I stole this money outta
my girl purse.
260
00:09:22,069 --> 00:09:23,803
She think I'm out
emptying the trash.
261
00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:29,402
Come on, baby,
I need this.
262
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:30,743
What you need is
some chapstick
263
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,045
and a set of trousers.
264
00:09:32,046 --> 00:09:33,780
Roll the dice you
Ashy motherfucker,
265
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,041
start the game.
266
00:09:35,082 --> 00:09:38,852
All right, but I'm about
to go from Ashy to classy.
267
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,981
(moaning)
268
00:09:42,022 --> 00:09:45,058
Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.
269
00:09:45,059 --> 00:09:45,885
Ouch.
270
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,528
She's gonna kill me,
Kiesha gonna kill me.
271
00:09:48,529 --> 00:09:50,263
Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?
272
00:09:50,264 --> 00:09:51,564
I was... okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash...
273
00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:52,866
and that better
not be the money
274
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:54,560
out of my goddamned purse!
275
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,468
I was... okay...
276
00:09:55,469 --> 00:09:57,637
pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.
277
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,938
That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!
278
00:09:58,939 --> 00:10:00,240
I was just taking
the trash out.
279
00:10:00,241 --> 00:10:02,842
You hear me, I was
just taking the trash...
280
00:10:02,843 --> 00:10:04,971
she is gonna
fuck him up.
281
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:06,735
You said it, Bill.
282
00:10:06,747 --> 00:10:09,309
Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.
283
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,518
Now, Grits is
most known for once rolling
284
00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:15,381
77 sevens in a row at a
casino in Las Vegas,
285
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:18,024
making him a
millionaire in the process.
286
00:10:18,025 --> 00:10:19,325
Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today
287
00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:21,494
we asked him what
he did with the money.
288
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:22,795
Let's take a look.
289
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:28,394
I bought my momma a car
and I spent the rest on PCP.
290
00:10:28,435 --> 00:10:29,736
Okay, simple enough.
291
00:10:29,737 --> 00:10:30,996
I like his style.
292
00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:31,905
Loves his mother.
293
00:10:31,906 --> 00:10:33,166
Loves PCP.
294
00:10:33,207 --> 00:10:34,941
Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.
295
00:10:34,942 --> 00:10:36,612
Let's see how he does.
296
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,544
Come on, put in.
297
00:10:37,545 --> 00:10:38,845
Put up
or shut up.
298
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,105
All right,
just hold on.
299
00:10:40,106 --> 00:10:41,436
Time to double up!
300
00:10:41,448 --> 00:10:44,010
Here to take
everybody money.
301
00:10:44,051 --> 00:10:47,046
Seven!
302
00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:48,388
What you all know
about seven?
303
00:10:48,389 --> 00:10:49,649
Pay me!
304
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,858
Boy, you are
the goddamned devil.
305
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,027
Put it down there,
put it down there!
306
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,721
Let's spread this
around, yes!
307
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,023
Hubba-hubba!
308
00:10:57,064 --> 00:10:59,232
A'ight, you know what,
I'm tired.
309
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:00,783
I ain't got all day.
310
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,702
I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.
311
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:04,397
All in.
312
00:11:04,438 --> 00:11:06,132
All in?
313
00:11:06,173 --> 00:11:09,602
I see you.
314
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,583
And Leonard
laying it on thick.
315
00:11:16,584 --> 00:11:18,278
An incredible stare down
316
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:20,053
between
Leonard and Grits.
317
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,182
Look at the flaring nostrils.
318
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,784
Make's me
want to throw up.
319
00:11:24,825 --> 00:11:26,953
Ooh!
320
00:11:26,994 --> 00:11:28,274
Snake eyes!
Damn!
321
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,331
And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.
322
00:11:31,332 --> 00:11:34,326
And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.
323
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,102
And it comes down
to these two men,
324
00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:41,267
Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.
325
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,131
I want everybody in here
to get butt-ass naked!
326
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:46,512
Get your goddamn
clothes off!
327
00:11:46,513 --> 00:11:48,208
This is a robbery.
328
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:51,678
And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.
329
00:11:51,719 --> 00:11:54,714
Local thug,
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
330
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,357
breaking into the
Marcy Projects hallway here
331
00:11:57,358 --> 00:12:00,787
and telling us all
to get butt naked.
332
00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:03,388
You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.
333
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,123
It happens all the time.
334
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:08,595
They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.
335
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,631
TV... is no different.
336
00:12:11,672 --> 00:12:12,972
What you waiting
for, cool breeze?
337
00:12:12,973 --> 00:12:14,274
Get butt naked
right now!
338
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,535
Get it off, son!
339
00:12:15,576 --> 00:12:18,177
First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man
340
00:12:18,178 --> 00:12:20,780
because I don't think you know
who you're talking to.
341
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,909
I'm Leonard Washington,
342
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,511
I don't get
butt-naked for nobody.
343
00:12:25,552 --> 00:12:28,114
You want this role, nigga,
344
00:12:28,155 --> 00:12:31,150
you gonna have to
shoot me.
345
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:32,885
Okay.
346
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,621
(blam)
347
00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:38,524
This motherfucker
has lost his mind.
348
00:12:38,565 --> 00:12:39,826
Goddamn!
349
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:42,862
And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.
350
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:44,203
Oh, but I'll tell ya
something, Rob,
351
00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:45,938
you noticed he shot him
below the waist,
352
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,674
so it's not
attempted murder.
353
00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:49,842
That was very intelligent
on Quills part.
354
00:12:49,843 --> 00:12:52,405
Quills knows the law.
355
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:54,614
This is why black people
don't have nothin'...
356
00:12:54,615 --> 00:12:56,783
this is just what
they want us to do.
357
00:12:56,784 --> 00:12:58,911
Your mother
ain't shit.
358
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:02,381
And just in time, here comes
dumb-ass Ashy Larry.
359
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,723
Where the dice?
Where the dice?
360
00:13:03,724 --> 00:13:04,824
Where the dice?
361
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,285
Yo, give me that
money, son!
362
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,756
Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!
363
00:13:09,797 --> 00:13:12,398
Something told me
just to empty the trash.
364
00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:13,700
Well, Rob, I gotta admit,
365
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:15,868
I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,
366
00:13:15,869 --> 00:13:18,905
which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.
367
00:13:18,906 --> 00:13:20,166
Quick thinking.
368
00:13:20,207 --> 00:13:22,375
That's right bitch, get
them goddamn clothes off.
369
00:13:22,376 --> 00:13:24,503
Get that money up,
get that money up!
370
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,371
Okay, okay.
371
00:13:25,412 --> 00:13:28,408
So, on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,
372
00:13:28,449 --> 00:13:29,719
I'm Robert Pet...
373
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:31,443
Get that ring off,
get that ring off, man!
374
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,314
Sorry honey.
375
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,520
So long from
the Marcy Projects
376
00:13:34,521 --> 00:13:36,214
and "The World Series
of Dice."
377
00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,123
Hopefully, next year,
378
00:13:37,124 --> 00:13:38,424
we'll be able to get
all the way through it,
379
00:13:38,425 --> 00:13:39,686
but probably not.
380
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,027
Shut the fuck up, man!
381
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,998
Put them cameras
in a box!
382
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,758
(applauding)
383
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,361
Woo.
384
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,529
We're gonna take a
quick commercial break.
385
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,830
Don't go anywhere.
386
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:55,261
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
387
00:13:58,771 --> 00:13:59,639
Look out...
388
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,808
Turn on your TV...
389
00:14:01,849 --> 00:14:03,976
What you gonna see?
390
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,314
Hey, welcome back, guys.
391
00:14:08,355 --> 00:14:11,351
Welcome back.
392
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,518
I'm just handling mine,
that's all.
393
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,253
Welcome back
to the Chappelle's Show.
394
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,857
I'm Dave and I
"keep it real."
395
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,892
Sometimes "keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.
396
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,062
We got to pick our spots.
397
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:24,837
It's good to be
real sometimes;
398
00:14:24,838 --> 00:14:26,139
it's good to be
phony sometimes.
399
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,290
Yes, I said it.
400
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,701
Phony!
401
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,476
You think I'm this nice
in real life?
402
00:14:30,477 --> 00:14:32,605
Fuck that, son!
403
00:14:32,646 --> 00:14:34,380
It's because
I'm on TV.
404
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:37,810
I'm wild!
405
00:14:37,851 --> 00:14:40,887
I pull my balls out
right now, I don't care.
406
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:43,015
Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet.
407
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,618
(applauding)
408
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,032
If you don't believe me,
that "keeping it real"
409
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:56,513
ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.
410
00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,406
(man) You're watching "When
'Keeping It Real' Goes Wrong."
411
00:15:00,407 --> 00:15:03,836
Vernon Franklin was an
exceptional young man.
412
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,305
He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,
413
00:15:07,306 --> 00:15:09,041
won several scholarships,
414
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:12,552
and became the first person in
his family to attend college.
415
00:15:12,553 --> 00:15:16,849
He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,
416
00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:19,451
quickly becoming the youngest
Vice President
417
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,432
in the history of
the Viacorp Corporation,
418
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,656
ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction
419
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,757
that had plagued his
family for generations.
420
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:32,031
The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual
421
00:15:32,072 --> 00:15:34,674
Thursday meeting in
the south conference room
422
00:15:34,675 --> 00:15:37,710
when Frank Murphy, the man who
had mentored Vernon,
423
00:15:37,711 --> 00:15:39,839
made an awkward comment.
424
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,442
Vernon, great job,
buddy!
425
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,743
You the man!
426
00:15:43,784 --> 00:15:45,518
Give me
some skin, huh!
427
00:15:45,519 --> 00:15:48,988
Vernon got along with all of
the people he worked with,
428
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:51,157
which in his heart
of hearts made him feel
429
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,852
like an Uncle Tom.
430
00:15:52,893 --> 00:15:56,362
Though he could've ignored
the comment his mentor made,
431
00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:58,925
Vernon decided to
"keep it real."
432
00:15:58,966 --> 00:16:02,001
Get your motherfucking
hand out of my face.
433
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:02,869
You heard me, motherfucker.
434
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,604
Get your hands
out of my face!
435
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:05,471
What do you think
this is, man?
436
00:16:05,472 --> 00:16:07,599
Just shake
my hand like a man!
437
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,809
Here give me some five
on the blackhand side
438
00:16:09,810 --> 00:16:11,069
with all
this crazy jive.
439
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:11,978
That's bullshit.
440
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:13,279
Do you want a little
soft shoe?
441
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,448
Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?
442
00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:16,749
Fuck all that, nigga.
443
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,050
Hey, Vernon, buddy...
444
00:16:18,051 --> 00:16:20,219
get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!
445
00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,521
This ain't a game.
446
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,256
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
447
00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:26,292
Allow me reintroduce myself,
my name is Homes.
448
00:16:26,293 --> 00:16:28,461
You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?
449
00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:29,762
Rap music, gangsta.
450
00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:32,365
I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,
451
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,666
just for walking around
my way!
452
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:34,967
Vernon, Vernon, buddy...
453
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:36,269
you better sit
the fuck down, Frank.
454
00:16:36,270 --> 00:16:37,096
Vernon.
455
00:16:37,137 --> 00:16:38,437
I said sit down,
bitch.
456
00:16:38,438 --> 00:16:39,265
Thug life!
457
00:16:39,306 --> 00:16:40,606
You think it's
a game, nigger?
458
00:16:40,607 --> 00:16:42,301
(barking)
459
00:16:42,342 --> 00:16:43,603
Wu-Tang!
460
00:16:43,644 --> 00:16:45,811
Today, Vernon works at
"Sonny's Filler-Up"
461
00:16:45,812 --> 00:16:47,940
on Route 80
in New Jersey.
462
00:16:47,981 --> 00:16:49,651
He makes $6.45 an hour
463
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:53,144
and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.
464
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,748
It's as real
as it can be.
465
00:16:55,789 --> 00:16:57,483
A dollar?
466
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,824
What am I gonna get with
a dollar, nigga?
467
00:16:58,825 --> 00:17:01,821
I got kids, and that's real.
468
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,725
Vernon Franklin,
once a heartwarming story
469
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:07,460
of perseverance...
470
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:08,327
Wu-Tang!
471
00:17:08,368 --> 00:17:10,496
...today, a sparkling example
472
00:17:10,537 --> 00:17:14,400
of "When 'Keeping It Real'
Goes Wrong."
473
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,869
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
474
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:21,774
We'll be right back
after these messages.
475
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,045
The greatest show.
476
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:30,383
Tonight's musical guests,
477
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,552
two of Chicago's
finest MCs,
478
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,889
give it up for
Common and Kanye West.
479
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,904
Common Sense, yeah
480
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,661
yeah, it's Common Sense
481
00:17:41,702 --> 00:17:45,565
with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle show.
482
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:47,340
Everybody gotta eat,
right, y'all
483
00:17:47,341 --> 00:17:48,641
it's the food, baby
484
00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:50,336
I walked in
the crib
485
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:52,979
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
486
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,674
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
487
00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:57,305
so I had to did
what I had to did
488
00:17:57,317 --> 00:17:58,877
'cause I had
the kid
489
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,745
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
490
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,914
up all night
gettin' my money right
491
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,256
until the blue
and white's
492
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,558
po-po po-po po-po
493
00:18:05,559 --> 00:18:07,293
now the money
comin' slow
494
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,895
but at least a nigga know
slow motion better than
495
00:18:09,896 --> 00:18:11,197
no-oh no-oh no-oh
496
00:18:11,198 --> 00:18:14,233
you love to hear
the story again and again
497
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,836
about these young brothers
from the city of wind
498
00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:19,438
like juice and gin
in the city we blend
499
00:18:19,439 --> 00:18:22,009
amongst the hustle,
titties and skin
500
00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:23,302
50s and rims
501
00:18:23,343 --> 00:18:25,511
y'all know the sprewell's
and trucks that's detailed
502
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:28,114
heartless females that
wanna ride in 'em
503
00:18:28,115 --> 00:18:30,716
felt the southside venom
with rawhides and denim
504
00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:33,712
pimp minds collide with 'em
in a system that tries victims
505
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,314
we livin' it my man in
the fast lane pivotin'
506
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,958
on the block white is sellin'
like Eminem
507
00:18:38,959 --> 00:18:41,953
on the block get
"jumped off" like kim and them
508
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,597
on the block is hot you can
feel it in your skin and then
509
00:18:44,598 --> 00:18:47,158
shorties get the game but no
instructions to assembling
510
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,802
eyes bright it seems
like the fight is dimmin' them
511
00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:52,364
call my man cuzo like
I'm kin to him
512
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:55,007
he tryin' to stay straight
the streets is bendin' him
513
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,267
I walked in the crib
514
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,477
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
515
00:18:58,478 --> 00:19:00,172
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
516
00:19:00,213 --> 00:19:03,683
and so I to did what I had to
did 'cause I had the kid
517
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,811
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
518
00:19:05,852 --> 00:19:08,020
yo, I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
519
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,321
until the blue
and white's
520
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,017
po-po po-po po-po
521
00:19:11,058 --> 00:19:13,618
now the money comin'
slow but at least a nigga
522
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:14,919
know slow motion
better than
523
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,262
no-oh no-oh no-oh
524
00:19:16,263 --> 00:19:19,298
it's all good in
the hood like raps and gems
525
00:19:19,299 --> 00:19:21,860
throwbacks and timbs
blacks and rims
526
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,951
whether on ball courts
attires of all sorts
527
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,672
we never fall short
528
00:19:26,673 --> 00:19:28,841
with us, it's all force
like air-1s
529
00:19:28,842 --> 00:19:30,576
some waves
some air guns
530
00:19:30,577 --> 00:19:32,745
the days of the fair one
is over for
531
00:19:32,746 --> 00:19:34,914
cats is colder
than four below
532
00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,215
myself I go toe-to-toe
533
00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:38,818
wonderin' if it's for
the art of for the dough
534
00:19:38,819 --> 00:19:41,813
though I know to grow a nigga
gotta learn to let go
535
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,416
though I know the Dough i
gotta bring back to the ghetto
536
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:47,059
arrows on tarot cards
pointing to the grind
537
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,662
po' livin' in more
prisons pointing to my mind
538
00:19:49,663 --> 00:19:50,963
shine the light up
539
00:19:50,964 --> 00:19:52,264
clench my fist tight
holdin' the right up
540
00:19:52,265 --> 00:19:55,260
freedom fightin' dark year for
the years to get brighter
541
00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:57,863
situations
and jobs get tighter
542
00:19:57,904 --> 00:20:00,506
my man tried to get his weight
and height up, come on
543
00:20:00,507 --> 00:20:01,807
I walked in the crib
544
00:20:01,808 --> 00:20:03,976
got two kids
and my baby mamma late
545
00:20:03,977 --> 00:20:05,277
uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh
546
00:20:05,278 --> 00:20:07,868
so I had to did
what I had to did
547
00:20:07,881 --> 00:20:09,181
'cause I had the kid
548
00:20:09,182 --> 00:20:10,875
duh-ough duh-ough duh-ough
549
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,085
I'm up all night
gettin' my money right
550
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,820
until the blue
and white's
551
00:20:14,821 --> 00:20:16,122
po-po po-po po-po
552
00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:18,724
now the money comin' slow
but at least a nigga know
553
00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:20,025
slow motion
better than
554
00:20:20,026 --> 00:20:21,327
no-oh no-oh no-oh
555
00:20:21,328 --> 00:20:25,624
hey yo I, I know i
could make it right
556
00:20:25,665 --> 00:20:28,227
if I could just swallow
my pride
557
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,396
but I can't run away
558
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,038
or put my gun away
you can't front on me
559
00:20:33,039 --> 00:20:36,469
i, no I can't
let it ride
560
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,505
no, no, not tonight
561
00:20:39,546 --> 00:20:42,541
no I can't run away
or put my gun away
562
00:20:42,582 --> 00:20:45,578
you can't
front on me
563
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,614
Common and Kanye.
564
00:20:48,655 --> 00:20:51,445
I like to thank you guys
for watching.
565
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:53,380
I'll see
ya next week.
566
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:55,121
I'm out.
567
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,723
(applause & cheering)
568
00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:01,193
I'm rich, biatch.
569
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,101
(horn honking)
570
00:21:02,102 --> 00:21:03,362
Hi,
thank you.
571
00:21:03,796 --> 00:21:06,832
Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man!
572
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,174
Are you trying
to get choked?
573
00:21:08,175 --> 00:21:09,475
I've seen people shit
on the street
574
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:11,210
because they've
got no toilet.
575
00:21:11,211 --> 00:21:12,511
This isn't
the Vernon I know.
576
00:21:12,512 --> 00:21:15,508
What did you say?
577
00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:16,849
You think this
is a game?
578
00:21:16,850 --> 00:21:18,543
You think this
is a fucking game?!
579
00:21:18,544 --> 00:21:19,411
(barking)
580
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,014
(laughing)
581
00:21:22,055 --> 00:21:23,749
(barking)
582
00:21:23,790 --> 00:21:25,484
Rockafella.
583
00:21:25,525 --> 00:21:27,653
(laughing)
584
00:21:27,694 --> 00:21:29,822
(barking)
585
00:21:29,863 --> 00:21:32,858
Now tell me brother,
where you gonna go
587
00:21:37,305 --> 00:21:43,619
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